02x07 - Boyz II Dead

[bunniefuu]

[Cheering]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Pop music playing]

[Cheering]

Alhambra!

We are Boypocalypse Wow!

We are back!

And better than ever!

And here's the one that started it all.

"Young, Fast, and Firm."

[Harmonizing] ♪ I'm ♪
♪ Young, fast, and firm ♪
♪ Ooh, girl, you make my mind go crazy ♪
♪ Young, fast, and firm ♪
♪ Yes, I'm sexy for you, baby ♪
♪ Young, fast, and firm ♪
♪ Can't you see all three? ♪
♪ Yes, I'm ♪
♪ Young, fast, and firm ♪
♪ Ohh, ohh, ohh, oooh, oooh ♪
♪ Young, fast, and firm ♪
♪ Baby, baby, won't you open your eyes? ♪
♪ Tell me what you really inside ♪
♪

[Screaming]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

♪

[Camera shutter clicks]

Where's Tribeca?

She had to take a personal day.

We get personal days?

I came in when I had meningitis.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Damn. Boypocalypse Wow.

[Chuckles] I always looked up to Denarius.

I figured if a black kid from the suburbs can be pressured by a creepy manager into joining a boy band, so can I.

Uh, listen, don't leave me alone with Scholls.

She's still a little bitter about the breakup and the whole lying about the baby we were raising together thing.

I'm sorry, what?

Never mind.

Scholls, what we looking at?

P.T. Cruiser, Boypocalypse Wow's bad boy.

His t-shirt cannon malfunctioned, leaving a fatal amount of space between his head and his body.

So, where's the head?

On eBay. There was no "Buy It Now" option, so we're bidding on it. Fingers crossed.

Was this an accident?

Man: Absolutely not.

Hi. Jack Pfoopa.

Manager of Boypocalypse Wow, Boysters on the Half-Shell, and Sir Ian McKellen.

So, you're saying you don't think this was an accident?

We've done this routine 800 times.

The boys do their moves, the girls scream bloody m*rder, I get my 80%, I go home to my parrots.

No, if something went wrong, somebody wanted this to go wrong.

He's right.

The f*ring mechanism on the t-shirt cannon was tampered with, so even if P.T. didn't look straight down the barrel, his tips were frosted the moment he stepped onstage.

[Sighs] All right, I'll talk to the band.

Tanner, canvass the audience and production crew, and Scholls, return my copy of "Total Recall" and stop texting me after midnight.

Let me get this straight. So you're Skylar, the pretty one; Chad, the fat one...

Funny. Funny one.

Funny one.

Denarius, the ethnic one.

Man... life's so precious.

You think you're gonna have your head on your body your entire life, and then... snap!... everything changes.

How are things internally within the band? Any friction?

Oh, we get along great.

I mean, we've been together so long, we finish each other's...

[Coughs, sniffles]

Did P.T. have any personal problems?

He was the bad boy. Bad boys have problems.

That's why he wrote the song "Bad Boys Have..."

♪ Pro-o-o-o-blems ♪

After him and Lori Loughlin broke up, he made a few bad Beanie Baby investments and then hit hard times.

I hear that.

I got a garage full of pogs I can't unload.

But all we can do is keep going.

I mean, what we gonna do? Have a funeral?

Mind if I look at this stuff?

Knock yourself out.

Wow.

Are all these from your fans?

Boypocalypse Wow has the best fans in the world.

Who's Fran Tabuto?

She's our number-one fan.

She's been to every concert, all the mall openings, a few dentist appointments, one shower.

She's harmless.

Seems like P.T. was her favorite.

"If I can't have you, no one will.

Marry me or die. XO, Fran."

Do you guys mind if I have this?

Sure.

Thanks.

[Buzzer]

Name, prisoner's name. Reason for visit.

♪

[Buzzer in distance]

Detective Tribeca, Diane Duran.

"Seeking answers about the location of a former boyfriend I believed to be dead but is actually alive and part of an elaborate conspiracy of which I've only scratched the scarface."

Surface.

[Buzzer in distance]

Stall 4.

♪

You dirty rat. I want my money.

You're gonna give it to me. It's my money.

No, no. I'm a detective with the LAPD.

Man: I'll take a look at it.

[Buzzer]

♪

Tribeca.

I never thought I'd see you again.

Would you care for a glass of pinot?

It's from the vineyard in my toilet.

Sergeant Pepper.

I know he's still alive.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yes, you do.

[Gasps]

Tell me where to find him.

You don't find him. He finds you.

Damn it, Duran! You give me his exact loc...

Hold on a second. I'm getting another call.

Hello? Okay.

All right, give me a minute.

I have to take this, but if you're serious about finding Pepper, he'll meet you here.

But only go if you're serious about knowing what the world really is.

Thank you for holding.

Okay, I'm taking off my top, and then I'm gonna go to the grocery store and I'm gonna buy some Kombucha.

♪

["Young, Fast, and Firm" playing on stereo]

♪ Young, fast, and firm ♪

Someone's home.

♪

[Sighs]

♪

Ms. Tabuto?

LAPD! Open up!

Let's rock and roll.

1, 2, 3.

Hello?

[Toilet flushes]

[Scoffs] Really?

I step out one time in eight hours.

Eddie.

I can't believe it.

Angie... we have a lot to talk about.

But could you just go outside again so I could be in the chair?

You're under arrest for probably murdering P.T. Cruiser.

I didn't k*ll him. I love him. Why would I k*ll him?

Hey, we'll ask the questions around here.

Why would you k*ll him?

I didn't.

You think we got the right person?

This place looks pretty normal.

Mind if we take a look around?

Sure. As long as you don't go into that room.

I think that's where we'll start.

♪

[Scoffs]

♪

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law.

This offer cannot be combined with any other rights.

Void where prohibited by law.

Some assembly required.

Driver does not carry cash.

[Romantic music playing]

I have so many questions.

I thought you were dead.

How could you do that to me?

♪

Does that answer your question?

Yes... but then what about the phone calls?

If you were alive, why not just...

Oh. That makes sense.

But then how did you...

I guess that covers it.

No more questions.

♪

You remember how to do this, right?

I think I can figure it out.

Mm. Mm...

Uh...

No. No.

All right, maybe I-I need a refresher.

♪

You wanted to see me?

I have no desire to see you, but it's my job to report to you what I find about your cases.

There's no way Fran Tabuto m*rder*d P.T. Cruiser.

We were in the apartment. That woman's guilty of something.

Nothing we found in that apartment incriminates her in this m*rder.

You want us to set free the lunatic that made this?

Not all those teeth are his.

Out of all of Fran's letters, only the one you found in the dressing room threatens v*olence, and it wasn't in her handwriting.

Are you saying we got the wrong guy?

I'm saying if I were you, I'd get back together with me and reopen your investigation.

♪

Why are you talking to me?

Really.

I mean, didn't you already arrest a m*rder*r?

Her handwriting didn't match the threatening letter, so we're thinking she was framed.

[Laughing] Oh!

So, who...

Who are you looking at?

I'm looking at you, Mr. Pfoopa.

You've gotten a lot of press since Cruiser's death.

Ticket sales are through the roof, and GQ just named you Scumbag of the Year.

[Laughs]

Am I profiting off P.T. Cruiser's death?

Yes!

Is Boypocalypse Wow playing arenas now instead of rec centers? Yes!

Did I place an order this morning for 1 million detachable bobbleheads in P.T.'s likeness?

No, 'cause I just thought of that.

Look.

If I had known that his death would be this good for business, I would have k*lled the son of a bitch years ago, but I didn't know.

I didn't k*ll him.

So cool your jets.

See, the thing is, once we get a new bad boy, no limit to Boypocalypse Wow.

You want to investigate me, go right ahead.

I got nothing to hide.

So you're saying if the LAPD does some digging, we're not gonna find any skeletons in your closet?

I bought every one of those skeletons online legally.

Fran Tabuto was set up... something three dating sites weren't able to do.

The m*rder*r thought Fran would be a perfect patsy.

It had to be someone with backstage access.

The whole crew had alibis.

Hmm. I'm thinking somebody in the band k*lled him.

Since Pfoopa's cooperating, I say we place somebody undercover with the band.

I mean, they got to be believable, though.

They got to know the dance moves and the songs cold.

Now, who do we have that can pass for a pop star?

Geils: If for one second they think that he's a cop and not a handsome versatile musician, the whole operation's blown.

Not to mention we'll have a dead cop on our hands.

Detective Green!

Yes?

Is that soy milk in my coffee?

Sorry.

I can do it.

You sure, Tanner?

I mean, I did "The Wiz" for six months down at the Pantages.

Which you all would have known about if you'd have came to one of my shows.

Oh, that was a crazy time for me.

Your e-mail must be going to my spam.

It'll never work!

You can't just say that you're in a boy band!

I mean, most kids go to eight years of boy-band school before they even think about putting on a hat the wrong way.

You got to earn it.

Geils: We don't have another choice.

This is the only way to draw him out.

Nobody will believe it!

Look, can he sing? Can he even dance?

Sir, you'll be able to see that I can do both.

Okay. Let's see.

Go ahead.

♪

Huh! [Panting]

Congratulations!

This is the moment when a man becomes a boy.

[Romantic music playing]

[Both coughing]

[Sighs] I wish we could just stay here forever, but eventually, we have to go back to our real lives.

I'm a cop, and you're the people we catch.

Well, we have this Airbnb until noon tomorrow, so we have plenty of time to talk about our future together.

♪

I'm gonna go pee so I don't get a UTI.

♪

[Grunts]

♪

Whoa.

Aww.

♪

Whoa.

♪

Aww.

♪

Whoa.

Aww.

♪

Whoa.

Aww!

[Toilet flushes]

Pieced it all together?

Almost.

Now I'm done.

Nice.

When I was on the force, I found out that the biggest criminal is not out on the streets.

He's in the mayor's office.

Mayor Perry?

Off-duty, I tracked crime after crime to him.

Voter fraud, racketeering, money laundering, racketeering fraud, voter laundering.

Th-The list goes on and on.

[Woman screaming]

I don't understand.

Why didn't you just bring it to the Lieutenant?

You can't change things from the inside.

Trust me. I tried.

[Leprechaun cackles]

What about Mayhem Global?

I am Mayhem Global.

As soon as we get Mayor Perry out of there and elect d*ck Dreyfuss, we can start to make real change, cr*ck down on crime...

Well, actually, Mayor Perry launched a really effective crime initiative last year.

All right, environmentally, we can get the city off coal, get a train that goes from downtown to the beach.

Actually, Perry pledged to get us off coal by 2020 and he just expanded the Expedition line to Santa Monica.

Mayor Perry sucks!

There's one number programmed into this phone.

When you're ready to be part of the revolution, call it.

[Sighs]

Do you have, like, a charger or something?

♪

Gentlemen, meet Daniel Tanner.

Boypocalypse Wow has a new bad boy.

It's a pleasure meeting you all.

I am such a fan.

Hey, what's up, man?

I'm the diversity in this group. Step off.

Denarius, he's the bad boy, you're the ethnic one.

There can be overlap.

Yeah, man.

It's 2016.

Yeah, I know what year it is.

You're gonna get hazed for a little while, but eventually, you'll just be one of the guys.

Thanks, man.

Don't thank me, dickweed.

[Laughter] Whoo!

Chad: All right, guys. Here we go.

Here we go. Let's get it right this time.

5, 6, 7, 8.

[Groans]

Come on, rook!

You got to be better than this, dude!

Keep up!

Here we go. 5, 6, 7...

[Groans] Okay.

You all went on 7 that time.

You got to be ready to go on anything, rookie.

5...

♪

[Laughs]

[Groans]

Yeah, welcome to Boypocalypse Wow, son!

Ooh! Welcome to Boypocalypse!

♪

And it took us a little bit longer to cross the I's and dot the T's, so please accept this LAPD gift basket as an apology.

[Police radio chatter]

So, who did it?

Well, it's still an open case, so we're not allowed to discuss it.

No idea?

We have a man undercover right now.

He's posing as the new bad boy, so we should have the m*rder*r in a matter of minutes.

Good.

I just feel so bad for Skylar.

All he's ever wanted is to be the bad boy, and Pfoopa won't even give him a sh*t.

Skylar, the pretty boy?

Yeah.

He originally auditioned to be the bad boy, but since he can't really grow a mustache...

Do you have a sample of Skylar's handwriting?

Uh, a note or an autograph?

Scholls: That's a perfect match.

Over 16 points of similarity.

The statistical probability of this being someone else's handwriting is negligible.

Thanks so much, ma'am.

You can remove the pixelation and put your shirt back on.

Thanks, Monica.

I know we ended on a sour note, but we work well together.

I just hope one day that things can be good between us.

It means so much to hear you say that.

Angie!

[Both grunt]

You want to go catch a m*rder*r?

Rescue our buddy at a big Hollywood party?

Yeah, sure.

♪

If you start to cry... this is gonna get awkward.

♪

Tanner's still not picking up.

Floor it.

[Siren wails]

It's gonna be parties like this for the rest of your life, man.

Come on.

Let me show you the house.

♪

"Tingly Feelings" started it all.

Wow.

I remember that.

[Chuckles]

That was P.T.'s biggest song.

Yeah. It's yours now.

You know, all I ever wanted to be was the bad boy, but the moment I walked into the audition, Jack Pfoopa said, "We found our pretty boy!"

Wow.

Is this Jack's trophy and antique weapons room?

I'm more than just a pretty boy.

Sure, I'm angular, great smile, blue eyes, butt cheeks like two vanilla cupcakes, but I can be bad.

You know what I had for breakfast? Cookies.

I don't floss. I don't make my bed.

[Scoffs] It's been over 48 hours since I talked to my mom, but Pfoopa's got me pigeonholed.

[Chuckling]

I don't know, man.

I mean, you're the pretty boy.

Seems like a sweet gig to me.

[Chuckles]

Exactly.

That's all anyone ever wants me to be... sweet.

If I'm hearing you right, you'd do anything to be the bad boy, wouldn't you?

You got that right.

Maybe even k*ll P.T. Cruiser.

Maybe.

Skylar, do me a favor.

Put your hands on your head.

I'll do that, Danny... right after I do this.

♪

Tanner! Turns out Skylar is the m*rder*r!

Oh, you found out already. Good.

Skylar, drop the crossbow.

Come on. You don't... You don't have to do this. You're not the bad boy.

[Sighs]

[Voice breaking] He's right.

I'm not.

Skylar, don't!

But if he's feeling it...

[Screams]

Oh, damn. That's a shame.

Tanner, the honor's all yours.

Congratulations.

You're going to jail... bad boy.

[Siren wails]

Reporter: The Boypocalypse Wow singer has been found not guilty by reason of insanity.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe he got off.

Pleads insanity.

Now all he has to do is six months in a psych ward, a charity concert, and he's back out on tour.

Tanner... can you get us tickets?

Maybe the San Diego show.

What's the point of any of this? We have evidence, a confession, and the bad guy doesn't spend one night in jail?

That's the system, Tribeca.

The system sucks.

♪

[Sighs]

♪

Maybe we don't take her to San Diego.