01x08 - 2 Weddings and an Ass Whooping

Zoe: Have you ever heard the expression "be careful what you wish for?"

Our girl is getting married.

And to a handsome paramedic with full benefits.

Dreams really do come true.

And I have an entire night of bachelorette debauchery planned.

Ooh!

And after this, we gonna get in that limo...

Mm-hmm...

We gonna get some dinner...

Okay. then maybe stop for some fro-yo.

both: What?

I'm just playing. We 'bout to get turnt!

Aah!

Okay!

Come on, somebody. [laughing]

Thank you so much.

Excuse me, miss.

Driver says that's your limo parked out front?

Oh...

Need to have it moved, or I'm gonna have it towed.

I see what's going on here.

Y'all knew I wouldn't be happy without a stripper.

I didn't hire no stripper.

You didn't?

No!

I did.

[all cheering]

Make it rain, baby!

Get to it! Get to it! Get to it!

Da-da-da-da-da-da.

Oh!

What?

Valenté, Valenté, I'm getting it, I'm getting it!

♪ Turn it up, let me see you work... ♪

Zoe narrating: Be careful what you wish for because it might just walk into a bar and see you grinding on a stripper.

♪ Twerk, let me, let me see you turn up ♪
♪ Turn it up, turn it up let me see you turn up... ♪
♪ Zoe ♪
♪ Ever after ♪
♪ Zoe ♪

I can't believe him.

He didn't even come over to say hi.

Well, what do you expect? You got together with him...

Didn't have s*x.

Got together with him again.

Still didn't have s*x.

Then Gemini threw him out your house.

So you couldn't have s*x...

Lord...

I am so sick and tired of Gemini ruining things for me.

So, don't let him.

Go over there to Stephen and tell him you're sorry.

But don't go over there unless you're ready to have s*x.

I'm not gonna beg some man for his attention.

Mmm.

If he can't see how fabulous I am, then that's his problem.

Excuse me?

I'd like to send a shot to that man over there.

But I will buy him a shot.

both: Ooh!

Before you spin out of control, maybe he's on antibiotics.

Or he's in recovery.

Or he's playing hard to get.

Zoe, nah. No, baby.

Baby, please.

I'm good.

Don't do this. Ooh, Lord.

You're not on, uh, antibiotics, are you?

[chuckles]

It's nice to see you, Zoe.

Um, look, Stephen, I just wanted to say that I feel really bad about how things ended with us, and I'm... I'm really sorry.

I appreciate that, and I apologize for not returning your calls.

I forgive you.

Truth is, you've got a lot going on in your life with your ex and the business and... your ex.

And I'm not sure I need that kind of baggage in my life right now.

I'm sorry.

It's cool. Don't apologize.

I mean, I get it.

You're not a baggage handler.

Yeah, that's cool. I'm good.

You good?

We good?

We good.

We good.

Good.

♪ Damn, boy, why you make it so hard? ♪

[elevator dings]

Hey, Ma!

Hey, Ma.

Hey, baby!

Guess what?

What?

Dad said I could go to the fight on Saturday.

Oh, did he?

Uh, baby, why don't you go to your room and unpack your stuff, okay?

[kiss]

We never had a conversation about X going to your fight.

Oh, here you go.

Listen, see, I'm fighting the biggest fight of my career on Saturday.

I don't wanna fight the undercard with you tonight.

Oh, I don't wanna fight, either.

You don't?

No.

I know how big this fight is for you, Gemini, but I just don't think that X should be exposed to that kind of violence at his age, not on my watch.

I mean, the boy is eight years old.

He plays "Call Of Duty."

He can come see his pops fight.

He plays "Call Of Duty"?

Not on my watch.

[scoffs]

Look, if things get rough, you'll be there with him.

You are gonna be there, right?

No, I won't.

I'm gonna be at Pearl's wedding Saturday night, and I'm gonna make sure I'm nowhere near the bouquet when she throws it.

[chuckles] Okay, that's fair.

Well, while you're dodging bouquets, my son could come to the fight.

I'll send a car for him.

Gemini, X isn't going.

But afterwards, if you win...

When I win.

When you win, and when everybody's chanting your name...

Champ! Champ! Chiki-champ!

That's my favorite part, yo.

[both laughing]

Yeah, after that, you can call X and tell him how you proved everybody wrong.

Wow...

I gotta say, I like this kinder, less angry Z.

It's very attractive on you, Mama.

Thank you.

So much better than the whole, "I got my fingernail polish, my makeup, I don't need you."

Well, it's amazing how less angry you are when you've gotten rid of your baggage.

[laughs] Mon chéri.

That's cold-blooded. That's cold-blooded.

Where'd you get that cake?

The kitchen.

That better not be my sample wedding cake.

Is your sample wedding cake chocolate with mocha filling?

Yes!

No!

Ugh!

So, this wedding thing's really happening?

You bet your ass it is, Papi.

Hmm.

Hey, guys, put the cake down, La loca found a husband.

Ooh...

There's my maid of honor!

You like?

You look fabulous.

Thank you.

A little too fabulous.

That's it, I'm putting you in lime green taffeta.

Oh, girl, trust me, nobody's gonna be paying attention to me once they see you killing in that "I'm styling" dress.

Aah! Ooh, I need to go try it on.

If it doesn't fit, hide the cutlery because it's going down.

Wow...

Don't you look all maid-of-honor-y?

[chuckles] And don't you look all dusty?

So, are you bringing your girlfriend to the wedding?

Who?

"Ale-haaan-dra"?

It's Alejandra.

Oh. What'd I say?

Not that.

Okay.

Are you going with the guy from the loft with the muscles and the tight shirt?

Stephen?

Yeah.

Maybe.

Okay.

Probably.

Oh.

Why not?

Yeah.

Don't look at me.

Valenté, why are you walking like that?

They're fitting my tux, and I have five pins surrounding my crotch.

So any fast move and my falsetto may become permanent.

[phone ringing]

You know, I would...

I got it.

Okay.

Zoe Moon Cosmetics.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, send him right up.

Okay.

Guess who's here?

What?

Your parents.

How could they possibly be here?

I turned off my phone, Zoe, I deleted my Facebook, my Instagram.

Do you know much discipline it takes to not participate in Brokeback Thursday?

[elevator bell dings]

Don't you mean Throwback Thursday?

Not in my neighborhood. Oh, my good...

There's my Jerome.

[deep voice] Mama.

[chuckling] Come here, Mama.

Aw, you look so good. What y'all doing here?

Pops! Oh, my God, man.

Hey, hey, son.

We've been calling you, boy!

You know we in town for that Southern Baptist bowling league convention.

Mom and I just wanted to take you to our favorite seafood buffet.

But now, you can buy your own damn cheddar biscuits.

You look so handsome. Look, James!

He got a fancy job where he wears a tuxedo to work.

Yeah, like a butler.

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, another pleasant surprise from Va... Jerome.

[chuckling] I'm Zoe Moon.

Oh!

Hi.

[whispering] Boxer's wife.

Oh!

[whispering] Ex-wife.

And the owner of Zoe Moon Cosmetics.

Well, normally, it's Zoe Moon Cosmetics, but today, it's an episode of "Wedding Wars."

[chuckling]

Someone's getting married?

How exciting!

Here comes the bride looking for her groom!

[humming "Here Comes the Bride"]

You look so beautiful, Pearly.

Who are these people?

James?

Hmm?

I think I know what's going on here now.

What?

Jerome looks like a butler 'cause... he's getting married.

James: What?

Uh, I think there's been a misunderstanding...

Boss lady! Uh... can I speak with you and, uh... my blushing bride in the office, please?

[forced laugh]

Oh, Mom, Dad, there's donuts in the break room, all right?

For free?

I love New York.

Let's get some donuts, baby.

You need to talk to your parents.

You know, where should I start, huh?

"We're not getting married," hmm?

"I no longer go by the name Jerome," or "I'm a lifelong member of The pen1s Club for Men?"

Valenté, I can't have you ruining Pearl's big day.

So there's only one solution.

You have to marry me.

You need to tell your parents the truth.

What?!

What?!

Are you crazy?!

Shh!

Mom and Dad will think we're fighting.

We are!

Okay, okay.

I know you only have the room at the plaza for four hours, and you wanna have the rehearsal beforehand.

But what if... don't hit me... you and I have a fake ceremony at the rehearsal?

Don't hit me.

You and I will know it's only a rehearsal, but my parents will think it's real.

Don't hit me. And now, they can go back to Nacogdoches happy, knowing that they son is married to a beautiful Christian woman.

Okay... now, you can hit me.

Wait, you think I'm beautiful?

I think you're Christian.

Okay, now, you can hit him.

What... oh!

I know we've been busy with the wedding, and now, the fake wedding, but I wanted to introduce you to someone.

It's a bit too late for me, I'm already taken.

Who?

Hello. I am the new Zoe Moon.

Oh?

Nice to meet you.

Yeah.

I am super cute, super confident, and 100% baggage-free.

And I've decided that Stephen is coming with me to your wedding, whether he likes it or not, because the new Zoe Moon doesn't take no for an answer.

Come on, somebody.

Damn, girl, with that attitude, I would've got married a long time ago.

Stephen?

Zoe.

[phone buzzing]

It was really great seeing you the other night.

This is Pearl.

Oh, yes, my wedding is booked there this Saturday.

Look, I know you said that I come with a lot of baggage, but I just wanted you to know that that baggage is checked.

Wait, what do you mean, double-booked?

I'm gonna go to Pearl's wedding on Saturday, and I was wondering if you would like to come with me?

Plus, I'm gonna be looking super fierce, and I wouldn't want you to miss out on that.

I can't cancel my wedding, I'm getting married.

Oh, I appreciate that.

But I don't always look fierce.

I will crawl through this phone and drag your tonsils through your nose if you do not fix this!

Oh, Stephen, that's great.

Okay, I'll see you Saturday... bye.

Hello? Hello?

Boom!

Stephen's coming to the wedding.

Boom! There is no wedding!

What happened?

The plaza double-booked!

Obama's giving a speech there, and apparently, they think that's more important than my wedding!

Oh, God. No, no... Pearl!

Pearl, sit down. Sit down, calm down.

You're okay. You're okay, look.

I'm gonna figure this out because that is what a maid of honor is supposed to do, right?

I got this, okay?

I mean, how hard could it be to find another place to have a wedding, huh?

I mean, in New York City? In four days? You okay?

[gasping]

♪ Zoe Ever After ♪

Hey, G, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you.

And I want you to go out there tonight and do what you gotta do, okay?

Do you and don't worry about nobody else, all right?

And I'll see you on the other side.

Okay.

See, Pearly?

I told you, I got you.

Who the maid of honor?

Zo to the... E to the...

Here's a Pearl of wisdom... if your wedding gets downgraded from the plaza to a living room, things ain't looking good.

Girl, it's gonna be fine.

Now, I hid a bottle of Dom underneath my bathroom sink in case you need a little liquid courage.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need that.

[laughing] Okay.

Ooh, and speaking of fine, look at my little man!

A real man wouldn't wear this suit.

[chuckling]

Stephen, you made it.

And your doorman didn't even frisk me this time.

I put the fear of God and no Christmas bonus in him.

Stephen, you remember my son Xavier?

Hey, Xavier, it's nice to see you.

I like your suit.

Figures.

Hello.

Hey.

You said to be here early, which I hope means that we get a first crack at the hors d'oeuvres.

You remember Alejandra?

Yes, I do. Nice to see you, Ale-haaan-dra.

Nice to see you too, Zoe.

You remember Stephen.

Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah! Sorry about the rats.

I was misinformed.

Wow, strong handshake.

I can't help but think if you tore your shirt open, there'd be a big "S" on your chest.

Oh-kay!

The fake wedding is about to start, so...

I'm gonna need you guys to sit in these chairs.

And if you could cry, that'll really help sell it.

Come on.

["Here Comes the Bride" playing on piano]

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here to...

[whispering]

The bride and groom have prepared their own vows.

Bingo.

Thank you.

Here goes.

"My darling insert name here"...

I mean Earl... I mean Valenté.

I mean, Jerome. I'm sorry.

Girl seems confused.

Shh.

Today, we finally get to make it official.

My best friend, my soul mate... the man who loves me for me...

Stop.

I cannot do this.

This is something that you should say to your real soul mate, not me.

Mom... Dad...

I'm gay.

What'd he say?

For Christ's sake, the boy gay, Barbara Jean!

Hell, I knew that.

How did you know?

Son, I've known since I saw you trying to kiss Will Smith on the TV during a "Fresh Prince" rerun.

Why didn't you say anything?

What do you want me to say, son?

"Hey, boy, stop kissing the TV, that's gay!"

Jerome, I don't care how many TVs you kiss.

Your mama always loves you.

Mama...

Oh, hell.

♪ Zoe ♪

[heartbeat pounding]

[crowd cheering]

♪ The champ is... The champ is... ♪

Zoe: No, I won't be there.

I'm gonna be at Pearl's wedding Saturday night.

♪ The champ is... The champ is... ♪

Pearl, everybody's waiting.

And Raquel is hitting on the minister, so you might wanna get out there before they leave together.

What's wrong?

Nothing today went like I planned it.

[sighs]

I really, really like Earl.

But how do I know he's my soul mate when I don't even know his middle name?

I mean, does he open his gifts on Christmas Day or Christmas Eve?

And what if he wears socks with sandals?

Right.

You would think an FBI background check would tell you those things, but no.

Pearly, I wish I knew what to tell you.

Mmm.

I mean, obviously, I'm no authority on relationships but...

Okay.

You know what I will say?

What?

If it were me, I'd wish my girl would tell me not to rush into something I wasn't ready for.

I did tell you that!

I was right there and I said, "Zoe, don't you marry that fool, because..."

Okay!

It's not about me. It's about you.

Okay.

And, Pearly, if you marrying this guy just to check off a box, then it's a mistake.

Sometimes you gotta think with your heart and not your head.

[sighs]

It's like my grandpa used to always say, "Think with your heart and not your head."

[both laughing]

[R&B ballad playing]

I'm gay.

That's my boy.

So you're okay with us slowing things down?

Not so slow that it doesn't include s*x.

Oh, hell, no! I was just about to dance you into that bathroom for a quickie.

Psh, let's dance then.

You having a good time?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you put on a great wedding, even though no one's getting married.

You having a good time?

I am, and I hope to be having a better time later.

Hmm.

Has anybody seen X?

Uh, yeah, he left, like, ten minutes ago.

He said he doesn't like old people music.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

I benched 220 yesterday.

180.

110.

[bell dings on TV]

X...

I thought I told you I didn't want you watching this fight.

Dad's in trouble. He's losing.

Baby, look, Daddy is gonna be just fine, okay?

Let's go get some cake and we'll call him right after the fight's over.

I don't want cake!

Dad needed us tonight, and we weren't there for him.

[crying] Dad's losing because you wanted to be here with your stupid boyfriend.

Excuse me?

Leave me alone!

I don't wanna live with you anymore.

I wanna move in with Dad!

[sobbing lightly]

I found your son.

Are you okay?

My son just told me that he wants to go live with his dad.

Oh, Th... that's just talk.

When I was younger, I would threaten my parents that I would run away and join the circus.

And when I got the chance to audition, it turns out they already had a bearded lady.

[chuckling]

Maybe we should have gone to the fight.

But maybe I just didn't want him to see his dad get hurt.

But he doesn't get that, I mean, all he sees is his evil mom keeping him away from his dad, his hero.

That's not what it is, okay? He's a kid...

And maybe I shouldn't have invited Stephen!

[crying] What am I trying to prove?

Who am I trying to prove it to?

I get it, God! I get it!

I failed, I can't make it on my own.

I get it, God!

Zoe, Zoe.

Wherever you are, I get it!

Zoe... Zoe, Zoe, Zoe!

[heartbeat pounding]

Zoe: This isn't your house anymore, and I'm not your wife.

♪ The champ is... The champ is... ♪
♪ The champ is... The champ is... ♪
♪ The champ is... The champ is... ♪

[heartbeat fading]