02x06 - Marthager

Chip: Dale! You're dislodging the toilet!



sh1t water!


Chip you shut up.

[Glass breaking]


I'm home. Oh.


Hey, we found the cat.

Dale: He... He was on the bridge that Daddy jumped from.

Probably wantin' to smell him or somethin'.

Why do you hate me so much?

We don't hate you, Mom.

We don't hate you, Mom.

Get out.

Mom, we're... we're sorry. Ronnie, not now, please.

You're not welcome here in my home anymore.

Can we at least help you clean things up for you?


What a bunch of crazy drama that was.

She is really upset.

Eh, she'll be fine.

You wanna go to Hooters and get some soup?

Hooters? Uh, sure. I don't have anyplace to be.

[Cell phone chimes]

Oh. What's this?

Oh, it's Trish.

I leave work for a few days and everything goes to hell.

It's gonna have to be a rain check on the Hooters soup.

Oh. Okay, well.

[Car engine starts]

Not sure what I'm supposed to do, but...

Well, most people have a job, Chip.

Maybe you'd consider that.

[Tires squealing]

Thanks, Dale.



[Wood cracking]

[Crowd cheering]

Man: Let's hear it for Baskets the Clown, y'all.



Oh, God. Chip.


Hey, look, I know you said not to tell your mom about jail, but I don't have... I didn't have the money, and I thought she would have the money.

I... And I didn't even tell her...

Martha, I need a job.

I need a job.

You're rambling on like a crazy person.

Nice to see you.


How are you?

I'm good. Well, nice to see you.

Uh... Okay.

Okay, so what kind of clown jobs are you looking for?

Uh, at this point, anything, I mean, I'll do theaters, you know, galas, store openings, fiestas. Birthdays, of course.

Oh, hey, my birthday's coming up in ten months.

I could hire you for that.

Okay, yeah, good. What's the budget?

Well, right now it's in the early planning stages, but I can look into it.


How old are you gonna be?


No what... Not what year you were born.

How old are you gonna be?

I'm gonna... I'm turning 49.

I wasn't born in '49.

Okay, yes, a birthday. Put me on your birthday, uh, thing.

That would be great. What else? What else?

Oh, have you read these stories about these clowns coming to towns and, like, spooking children?

Yeah, like when there have been...

People have been filling out police reports and stuff.

Yeah, can you see if that's a payed gig?

Um, yeah.

I don't know how you do that.

Maybe just go out in the woods?

Like, go look for clowns doing it in the woods, and ask them if they get paid?

Yeah, but don't get in the way of their work.

Just ask them, you know, is this a payed gig?

If it doesn't pay, but it could get you really great exposure, would you be interested?

Now you're thinkin', Martha. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That sounds good. But only go in the woods at night, because I think that's when most of this stuff is happening.

Don't go during the day. You're not gonna find any clowns or children.

You know what, Chip? I have to say it's great to see you so enthusiastic about your career.

Yeah, I don't know how much of it is enthusiasm, Martha, versus just... desperation.

I think I'd just like to function as a normal person for once.

Um, do you want to talk about what happened in jail, or where you were?

Well, I got mixed up with some squatter types, and, uh, their leader was a drug addled flautist.

And, uh, I witnessed his body get snapped in half on a choo choo train.



I'm gonna look into some of the parties and...


The openings and stuff.

Yeah, that...

This is off to a good start, Martha.



Okay. Got it.

Yeah, but no religious ones.

[Fan blowing]

How much longer will this take?

Uh, hard to say.

Uh, the water damage went pretty deep.

We need to tear the floor open, check for joist rot.

That smell you're smelling is a combination of mold and sewage, so we need to see what we can bleach, and what we need to toss.

If I were you, I'd rip up the sub floors...

[Indistinct dialog]


[Indistinct dialog]



Thanks, Mom, for doing this.

It's like you're home from college.

Except you never went to college.

You're still my baby.


[Cell phone chiming]

What have we got?

Hi, Chip, this is Martha.

Yeah, Martha. Hi.


Are you available this Saturday?

Yes, why?

Well, I might have a job for you.




There you go.


Hi, Martha.

I haven't gotten any complaints, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're a hit.

Oh. Okay, good. So, what's next?

Well, how do you feel about taking a shift in the dunk tank?

You said shift, right?


Well, I mean...

What's the next, you know, job?

What's the next gig?

Oh, right.

Well, um, we have this picnic again next year, and then I'm still working on the budget for my birthday party in ten months.

That's it?

Well, for right now.

Martha, look, I don't mean to be greedy, but I can't survive on two days of work a year.

Trust me, I've tried.

Okay, well...

Oh, hi.

I'll work my contacts and...

Am I still on the clock here?


I can turn one more trick?


Okay, thank you.

Oh. All right.

Thanks, manager.

Hi, little lady. How are you?

There you go.

Woman: Wh... What the hell? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey. Hey. Excuse me.


Ma'am? Miss?

My scarves.

Hey. Who are you?

My name is Baskets, Baskets the Clown.

Ba... Bassets?


With a K.

Okay, Baskets.


Should be on there.

Nope. You're not one of mine.

Who sent you, Family Attractions, Bakersfield Party?

Martha Brooks sent me, of the Martha Brooks Agency.

Okay, listen.

This is a Friendly Fun Events, LLC, event. Okay?

Dunk tank, churro cart, that's all Friendly Fun Events.

All right? I can't have you just waltzing in here, okay?

I don't know who you are.

It's just that, uh, my manager, she's a...

Where is she?

Okay, listen.

[Sighs] Here's my card.

All right? This is my company. There's the address.

Why don't you come by and we can talk about some employment options, yeah?

But I already have a manager.

Doesn't sound like that to me.

sh1t, the bouncy castle's sagging. Corky!




[Dog barking]

I know. I know.

[Barking, Growling]

Tell her. Tell her.


What's with the barking, huh?

Well, she's telling you. She's saying, "I'm unhappy I'm not on the table with my mommy."


Oh, for goodness sakes.

Now she's up on the table.

Now she's quiet.

I wish Dad were here.


Can you imagine what Dad would say?


Oh, my God, we'd never hear the end of it.

Oh, I shudder to think.


That's why I like being old, 'cause I don't have your father around to ruin my good time.

Right, little poochie poochie girl?

You're not that old, Mom.

Thank you.

Oh. Go... Uh-oh, she's gonna go.

Go pee on the newspaper, honey.

On the newspaper.

Uh-oh. Too late.

Come here, you little pumpkin.

What's the matter with you?

She's not gonna want to stay here with us.

I like having her here.

Come on. Be a good girl.

Give Mommy a kiss. Give Mommy a kiss.

Have a kiss.

Okay, great. So can you read me that policy number on the back of that card?

[Phone rings]

Um, actually, can you hold on one second? Sorry.


Costco Home and Auto Insurance, this is Martha.

Man: Hi, I'm calling for Baskets.

Is this the right number?

Oh, yes, um, you've reached the right place for Baskets the Clown.

Okay, but did you say you're an auto insurance company?

Um, I did say that, but, um, we are, um, totally legit talent booking agency.

[Phone ringing]

What, uh...

Can you hold on one second? Thank you.


Costco Home and Auto Insurance, can you hold please? Thanks.


Okay, sir...

[Phone rings]

Um, is anyone else answering phones today?


You the insurance guy?

No. I'm here for a birthday party.

Thank you, though.

Martha: Hey, Chip, um, I'm sorry, but I think we got our wires crossed.

Oh, really? What makes you think that?

Shoot, here it is.

Yeah, you're supposed to be at a petting zoo in Oildale.

I think I might have whiplash!

Can I get money for that?

Sir, I'm a clown. I told you I do not work in the insurance trade.

Actually, I think he can get money for that.


Yeah, if he has liability.

Do you have liability insurance?

Martha, I do not have time for this.

Well, I'm really sorry this happened, and I want to say it's never gonna happen again, but I don't have a crystal ball.



We've got the mayor's picnic on Sunday.

Oh, we've got an opening in the Almond Parade tomorrow.

Hm? I don't know how this compares to work you've been getting, but...

Well, my last gig was, uh... my last gig was...

Oh, my last gig was a car accident.

Mm. I can get you two, three days work a week.

That's full time clown work.

No, it's two, three days a week.

Yeah, that's full time.

Full time, part time, yeah. Two or three days...

Yeah. We're on the same page.

Okay. Well, take a look at this.

This is our standard performer's contract.

All right? We've added a 60/40 manager's cut.

That sound good?

Yeah, that'll...

It's just, uh...

You know, I'm kind of... under representation right now with, uh...

Mm. Martha Brooks.



I Googled her.

Nothing came up.

Yeah, that's her.

Hm. Google me. And you get this.

[Whistles] Website.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Plus, I'm on Yelp.

We just got two stars.


So, you want me to...

I'm gonna fire your, uh, friend today.

Okay? And then tomorrow, you'll be strolling in the Almond Parade.

Pays $300 gross.

Jesus Christ!

With that much money, I could get my own studio apartment by the airport.

So how'd it go?

What's that?

[Cell phone rings]

Oh. Hold on a sec.


Yes, this is Martha.



Well, thanks for the call.

That was your new manager, I guess.

She said I'm not your manager anymore.

She said that?

What a bitch?


Ah, David, I found him. Hey, Luke, happy birthday.


What game are you playing?

It's not, I'm watching "Legos".

Ahh. Cool.

Hey, um, do you remember that clown we saw at the rodeo that time?

Baskets the Clown?


Well, what would you think if I told you I could get him to perform at your birthday party this afternoon?

Would you like that?

Well, do we still get to do the Super Soakers war?

Yeah, sure, I don't see why not.


[Sighs] Okay. Good.

I'm just gonna draw up some contracts for you to sign, and, um, don't worry about the deposit.

I think that's it. Okay, great.

We are in business. Officially. Happy birthday.

Woman's voice: Please leave a message after the tone.


Hi, Chip, Martha Brooks here.

Um, we have booked you a gig for this afternoon, and it's a great chance for you to break into the lucrative world of birthday parties, and personal appearance based, fee based, um...

Okay. Uh, just call me back for the details, and, uh, bye.

Esther: All right, honey, let's go.

Christine: We just need a couple more things, Mom.

What? There's so much in there.

We need this for the pee smell in the house.

Pee smell.

It smells like a pee house.

There is no pee smell in my house.

I know you don't smell it, but I can, Mother, and other people can, too.

Well, that's very...

Let's get these Wee Wee pads.

We don't need wee wee, she's got them.

Honey, those Wee Wee pads should be thrown out.

No, those are the ones she knows to use.

Ugh. They smell...

That's why she uses them.

[Gasps] Oh. Look at that.

Aren't these cards darling?

Put that back, you don't need it.

I have a friend, I'd like to send him a card.

What friend?

Oh, a man I met in Camarillo.

A man you met? Why didn't you tell me this?

You met a nice man?

Oh, Mother, you are unbelievable.

Men don't like cards, Christine.

They like hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

That's what they like.

Oh! Let's go.

♪ [Country] ♪

David. Can I ask you a favor?


♪ [Circus] ♪

Hey, uh, want to help me out?

Oh. Guys, I'm sorry.

I know you were expecting a clown, and I didn't want to let you down, but, um, it seems like I did anyway, and, uh, uh... I guess that's just what I do.


All right. Um, you guys can start your Super Soaker war now.


Boy: Yeah! Finally.


Hey, what's happening?

This is part of the parade route, ma'am. You gotta go around.

What parade? I gotta go through here.

Please, just go around, ma'am.


Oh, guys, I... I gotta...

Uhh, damn it.

Uh, ma'am. Ma'am, what... Could you please not...


Look, Daddy, a clown.

Uh, oh, uh, lady, I'm not a clown.

Okay? Sorry, I'm just... I'm a woman.


Oh, God.

[Crowd cheering]

Oh, God. Give me a minute, Sheila, I gotta go talk to another nut.

Martha. What the hell are you doing here?

Um, I was driving when I got trapped by this parade, and then I made a little girl cry.

Yeah, no kidding. Your make up is a disaster.

You look like a small child with lipstick issues.

Sheila, this is Martha.

Hi, Sheila.

You know what, Chip? You never returned my calls about my nephew's birthday party, so I had to be your stand in.

And it was really bad.

I bet.

Look, Chip, are you mad at me because Dale and I had s*x?

No, I'm not mad at you.

You can f...

[Horn honks]

Whoever you want.

You know? You can... [Horn honks] my mom if you want.

Okay. Look, I know that I wasn't the world's greatest manager, but I really did try my best for you.

Look, Martha, you're not a manager, you're more of a...

More of a...

More of a... You're more of a friend.


Yeah, I mean... sometimes I think you're the...

[Horn honks]

You know, sometimes I think your the...

[Horn honks]

Sometimes I think you're the...

[Horn honks]

Can you hold off on the gahoogas, please?

We're trying to have a conversation.

Thanks, Chip. That's probably like the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.


God, that's depressing.

Come on, Sheila.

Well, listen, I was...

[Horn honks]

Okay, well, never mind.

[TV playing in the background]

Who is this great American inventor?

Ron Popiel!

Let's give him a big round of applause.

He's here today.


America's inventor, and I'm proud to call him my friend.

What are you doing?

[Screams] Oh!

I thought you were dead.

Oh, God, Christine.

You wish.


Ooh. Oh, Mother.

[Phone rings]

Hello. Huh? What?

Ooh. [Laughs]

Enid won $200 at Keno.

Oh. Tell her I said hi.

I'm with my daughter.

Here, you tell her hi.

Oh, hi, Enid.

Hey, Christine.

Esther tells me you got a suitor.



Mother, you're such a gossip.

That's why we love her.

Yeah. [Chuckles]

Uh, I met someone, he gave me his card.

Oh, yeah?

I haven't used it.


Don't hold your breath.

This one's still in mourning.

Listen, I waited eight years after my husband passed before I started going out again.

Two would have been just fine.

Christine's waited 25 years.

Holy sh1t.


Well, my family needs me, my boys, I...

I'm busy, I've got a lot of things going on.

Oh, honey, honey, honey, you know, you use your family like a crutch.

I just feel like I should be there for 'em, and... what if the twins call? I like to be available to my children.

I want us all to be happy.

I want you to be happy, Christine.

I want you to go out there, and do something for yourself, honey.

Those kids are... They're grown men, come on.

Look at me. Look at the life I led.

I waited on that father of yours, that awful, awful man, that drunk.

I should have left him.

What did I do? I... I made excuses for him, I... I let him do whatever he wanted, I let him say terrible things to you kids.

And then when he did die, I thought, "Oh, my God, why did I do that?"

It was my fault, hangin' around a poisonous well just 'cause I didn't want to walk a few miles to the next one.


Well, I think you should go see this man, Christine.

I got some condoms in the bureau.

Well, he's... He's all the way in Denver.

Ooh. And you're telling me that you, of all people, don't have free miles?

Yeah, I have free miles.

Hey, Martha, can we go to Home Depot?



Hey, did you know that if your index finger, and your ring finger are the same length, it means you're charming?

Or, wait, it's either charming or schizophrenic.

I can't remember.

What are you doing?

Just chatting.

Isn't that what friends do?

Okay, yeah. Sure. What was it again?

I think it's if your index finger, and your ring finger are the same...

Oh, yeah, right.

Got it. Yeah, I'm schizophrenic.

Well, I guess me, too.

You're schizophrenic. Trust me.

Um... [Chuckles]


I guess we were meant to be friends.

Well, that's nice.

Or sad.


Hi, Meemaw, how are you?


Hi, Lamb Chop.

Hey, um, I, uh, brought mom a toilet, 'cause I broke hers.

Is she here?

She ain't here, honey.


Okay, I wanted her to give it a test.

Where is she?

Woman: [On PA] Ladies and gentlemen, flight 543 to Denver will be boarding shortly.