There is no God. That much I know. This world is too evil to justify any higher purpose, a higher being. All there is, is pain ever since they took her. Now there's nothing to live for. But I didn't come this far just to give up. I still have one more thing to do, one more step, one final task, get revenge.
(theme music playing)
(rooster crows)
(both laughing)
Baby, you're crazy.
(sighs)
So who wants to go first?
I will.
A spoon?
(gasps) Now we each have one.
Thank you, dear.
Of course, honey.
Here, my turn.
Your own boat for when we finally make it to the Hudson River.
(gasps) It's beautiful.
Happy anniversary, my love.
(distant mooing)
What is wrong, my love?
(sighs) I just...
I just wish I could do better for you, give you more than a spoon on our anniversary.
Gregory, I am happy.
Do you know why?
It is because I am with you.
You are all I need.
How did I get so f*ckin' lucky?
(knocking)
(gasps)
Hey, who's out there?
(knocking continues)
What... what's happening?
It... it's okay, all right?
It's all right. Just... just stay put.
(gasps) Oh...
♪ ♪
(breathing heavily)
Ouch!
Hey!
You watch your waddle, you dumb m*therf*cker.
Watch it.
(clank)
Get out. Go. Yeah.
(gobbling)
Come on. Yeah. Get.
Baby, shh, shh, shh.
(whimpers)
Just stay close to me, okay?
I'm sure they're just relocating us to a nicer coop.
Gregory, I'm scared.
(alarm buzzes)
Oh, yes!
Nice! See ya!
Yes!
All right...
Yeah!
(man mutters)
Uh...
(both sigh)
(grunts) Aah!
Gregory! Gregory!
(grunts)
Sarah!
(grunts)
Sarah, it's gonna be okay, all right?
You're gonna be okay. I love you.
What's happening?
Where are they taking you?
Get... get off of me!
Sarah: No! (sobs)
Get the f*ck off of me!
No!
(gobbling)
(grunts)
(chuckles)
Gregory!
Sarah!
I love you.
Sarah!
(screams)
Sarah!
(loud mechanical whirring)
(gobbling and screaming)
Sarah!
(whirring and slicing)
Sarah.
(loud mechanical whirring)
♪ ♪
Okay, everyone, gather around Grandpa.
It's story time.
(clears throat) Excuse me.
Every year around this time, humans gather to pay respects to the giant sailing demons who glide overhead.
If you are a good rat boy or girl and stay in the tunnels like you're told, the demons can't see you.
But if you break the rules and they get even a glimpse of you in their world, the demons become very angry and will demand repentance!
(all scream)
But you kids don't have to worry about that, right?
All: Right!
(coughs)
And that's good. That's good because the demon giants remind us why we...
All: Never leave the sewer!
Very good, very good.
Now, everyone line up and throw your favorite toy into the sacrifice pile.
All: Aww.
(pop)
(humming)
Excuse me, Phil Jr., take those headphones off.
Mom... (scoffs)
Where do you think you're going on Demon Giant Eve?
I'm going to meet up with Mike, Mom.
This Demon Giant Eve stuff is for babies, okay?
And I'm definitely not a baby anymore.
(tiny cough) Sorry.
It is not just for babies.
Yes, it is. Look, everybody here is a baby except for me and cool Uncle Jeff. 'Sup, Jeff?
No.
Boo, this is a moral lesson for all of us.
It is a dangerous world out there.
Yeah, yeah.
Promise that you are going to stay inside the sewer.
Fine, I promise that I'll stay inside the sewer.
I love you, sweet boy.
I love you too, Mommy.
I love you so much.
Okay, I love you. Stop.
Give me a kiss.
Stop! Uncle Jeff's looking!
Who cares? He's your uncle.
(sighs)
I love you, boo boo.
Okay.
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
I love you so much.
Okay.
Yo, dude. What's up?
Oh, there he is.
Give me some of that.
There you go.
Yeah. Cool.
Sick.
God, this is crazy out here, huh?
It's...
It seems like most families are inside for Demon Giant Eve.
Yeah, and then the Jewish rats are at Chinese food restaurants or at the movies.
Right. Mm-hmm. Wow.
It's a little spooky, I'll be honest.
I know.
It's like a...
(echoes) Hello!
(echoes) Gay!
All right, dude. Today's the day, huh?
Yeah, totally. I'm ready.
Phil, you're not gonna wuss out on me, are you?
No.
You said we'd leave the sewer the night of Demon Giant Eve as a right of passage.
Yes, no, I know.
Okay, all right. So, what'd you bring?
Did you bring anything?
Yeah, yeah. Hold on.
I gotta... check it out.
I think it's, like, a chocolate dessert drink or something?
Oh, cool.
I don't know.
It was, like, kind of low, in the back, and, like, really dusty.
That's where they hide the good stuff.
I think it'll be good.
As long as there's alcohol in it, Yeah, there is.
I honestly don't even care.
What'd you get? What do you got?
Okay. Hold on.
What do you got? What do you got?
Come on, come on, come on.
Check it out.
What's that, water?
Okay, see, that's exactly the point.
So what I did was that I took my sister's vodka...
Sick.
But I actually put it all into this water bottle, Great.
So it looks like we're drinking water, but the thing is...
Both: It's not water!
It's vodka.
That's really smart.
Hey, before we go, should we take a sh*t?
Yeah, let's do it.
All right. cool.
That'll calm the nerves a bit.
Definitely calm the nerves and stuff. Cool.
Should I do them both? You f*cking dare me, dude?
Yeah.
Film this.
All right.
(phone beeps)
Hi, everybody.
My name is Phil Matarese. I love getting f*cked up.
f*ck parents and f*ck Demon Giant Eve.
Blah! f*ck parents and f*ck Demon Giant Eve, dude!
No, come on! Put it back on me!
(laughs) Put it back on me!
Put it... Ready? Let me zoom in.
All right.
(gasps)
(laughs)
Dude!
Stop filming!
No...
Stop filming!
Dude, I'm sorry, man, but this is gold.
That's a viral hit, man.
(cheering)
(celebratory music)
We should just go home.
Dude, we had a pact, man.
First of all, it's super dangerous to ever leave the sewers, especially on Demon Giant Eve.
Okay, look, we won't go out onto the street.
We'll just watch the demon giants through the sewer grate.
So, we technically won't leave the sewers, right?
That's what I'm saying.
Okay, let's do it.
All right.
Let's do this sh*t.
Come on.
♪ ♪
(alarm blares)
(groans)
This is so sick, bro!
It's like we're in "The Hunger Games"! (laughs)
(chuckles) Yeah.
Like you nerds stand a chance.
I got this.
(laughs) Totally, man.
You're the man, Colton!
Yeah, that's right.
(grunts)
(grunts)
Colton: Out of my way, nerds!
(gobbling)
Hey, here you go, man.
Look, you... you gotta eat up.
I mean, he only chooses the best looking one of us to pardon each year, and... you're looking pretty gaunt.
Who's "he"?
He's him.
♪ ♪
(grunts)
(squeals)
(both squealing)
(grunts)
(laughs)
(laughter echoes)
(gobbling)
(Gregory pants)
Gregory: I knew I loved her from the moment we met.
We were kids.
I was small for my age and would get picked on a lot.
She always defended me against the taunts of my classmates.
We married right after graduating.
Gregory...
She was the light of my life.
But they don't care about that. Hmph.
They just want to carve us up, gnaw on our flesh, and throw us in the garbage.
I don't mind.
I'm ready to die, but I'm taking that m*therf*cker down with me.
(door creaks)
(clank)
(grunts)
(grunts)
Son of a bitch.
Hey, Gregory, do it for Sarah.
Bah!
(grunts)
(grunts) Wup!
Bah!
(grunts)
(grunts)
(chuckles)
Blah! (grunts)
Gobble.
Give 'em hell, Greg.
(gobbles)
(grunts)
I still have one more thing to do, one more step, one final task, get revenge.
♪ ♪
(cheering)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(chuckles, grunts)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(laughs)
(laughs, grunts)
Ca-caw!
(laughs)
(gobbling)
(grunts, laughs)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(laughs)
(cheering)
Mike: Come on. Here.
Phil: No.
Come on.
I can't do it.
One, two, three.
(grunts)
There we go, huh?
God, that was horrible.
Here, take some water.
And before, let me start it.
I gotta just turn on my phone.
(beep)
Just for the video.
Sure. What was that?
No, I was saying continue and take a sip whenever you're ready.
(slurps)
That's the f*cking vodka, dude!
Oh, my God. Sorry, I forgot.
That's not even funny, Mike.
I'm sorry. I actually... I genuinely forgot.
It looked like a water bottle.
I'm sorry.
What... (gasps)
Oh, my God, dude.
Whoa.
I've never seen so many humans before.
Fat ones, skinny ones, brown ones, not brown ones...
Can you see any of the demon giants?
I don't... Is that one?
Is that a fat boy?
No, that's a big boy.
Mm-hmm, okay...
All right, look, we need to get a better view. Come on.
You said we'd look from the grate and we're looking from the grate, and I think it's pretty great.
Let's just step out of the sewer a little bit so we can get a better view.
I mean, look around. Does it look that scary?
We can't come all this way and not see it.
You are just really good at peer pressure. I gotta say that.
I mean, it's, like, impressive.
Thank you.
All right, let's go.
Come on.
A little bit further.
Easy, easy. Slowly.
A little bit further.
Come on.
Just slow down, man.
I don't see anything.
Where are the demon giants?
(gasps)
Goddammit.
Dude. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.
Oh...
Both: Demons!
Oh, f*ck! Come on, man.
(screams)
f*ck... Get... Dude, get off me. Come on, man!
I'm gonna die!
Get off!
k*ll Mike!
No!
k*ll Mike!
Wait.
(whimpers) It's passing over.
The demon giant spared us.
Wait a minute.
He spared all the people here.
They don't look evil at all, and everybody here is smiling.
Dude, all this demon giant stuff is a bunch of BS.
There's nothing to be scared of.
What were our parents hiding from us? This is great!
Let's go f*cking romp around, dude!
I think we should go explore.
Yeah!
Come on.
Come on!
(mumbles)
(chuckles)
(mumbles)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(both laugh)
Oh, f*ck, baby. Oh, f*ck.
Give me that big turkey d*ck!
(giggles)
I love you, Gregory.
I love you, Sarah.
(giggles)
I love swings.
I love you on a swing.
No! (giggles)
Gregory!
Don't fall.
It's too high. It's too... (giggles)
It's too high. No, please.
Wow, the sun.
Three, two, one.
(grunts)
(gobbles)
(gobbles)
(grunts)
(growls)
(grunts)
(whimpers)
(gobbles)
(gasps)
(chuckles)
No! No!
You m*therf*cker! Come back! Goddammit!
Uh-uh-uh!
I'll k*ll you, you son of a bitch!
No! No!
Get back here!
(mumbles)
(grunts)
Ahh.
Oh, my God. This is somethin' else.
Papa likes, huh? Papa...
Papa Philly likey dis!
Papa Mikey likey too.
What was that? Italian? I don't know. It's a little...
I don't know.
It was funny.
I can't believe we've been missing out on this our whole lives.
I mean, look... look at the ground.
There's so much trash.
Yes!
It's almost like the sewer, but it's up here.
Yeah! Exactly.
And also, what's the deal with that?
Oh, my God, that. Oh, my God.
Thing's warm, dude.
Yeah.
That thing feels necessary.
I might never go back down to the sewer.
I was just thinking that, dude.
Maybe for birthdays or, like, nephews graduating or something.
But, like, this is where I want to be.
Yeah.
Up here.
Exactly. The older I get...
Do you want another one of these, by the way?
Yes, of course.
Here you go.
The older I get, the more I realize the sewer, it's all f*cked up down there, dude.
Yeah.
There's a lot of problems.
All these adult rules.
It's bullshit.
Bullshit.
It's BS.
Uh-huh.
All it is, is the rat trying to keep cool dudes Preach.
Preach it, dude.
Like us down, man!
f*ck the rat, dude.
f*ck the rat!
f*ck the rat.
Both: f*ck the rat!
f*ck the rat!
f*ck the rat!
f*ck the rat!
(gasps)
(crowd gasps and whispers)
(grunts)
(overlapping chatter)
(grunts)
(crowd yells)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(g*nshots)
(screaming)
(mumbles)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(whimpers)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(grunts)
(clattering, shattering)
(tires screech)
(crowd screams)
(grunts)
(hissing)
(grunts)
(screams)
(grunts)
Both: f*ck the rat!
f*ck the rat!
f*ck the rat!
Oh...
(hissing)
Both: Demon!
(both scream)
f*ck! Come on, man! Come on!
Demon!
(grunts)
(grunts)
(grunts)
What?
Uh-oh.
(spits)
You thought you'd get away.
Ya thought you were untouchable.
Well, it looks like your chickens have come home to roost.
(chuckles)
(grunts)
(gobbling)
This is for all those turkeys you k*lled.
All those turkeys you handed out like f*cking candy instead of creatures who had thoughts, memories, families, people who loved them.
(gobbles)
(grunts)
(gobbles)
(grunts)
(gasps)
But most of all, this is for Sarah... a beautiful, smart, strong turkey... who was also my wife.
(whimpers)
(click)
Before you die, I want you to say her name.
Say her name.
Say it!
Say "Sarah"!
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Gobble, gobble, gobble, say, gobble, gobble, gobble, "Sarah."
Gobble, gobble, gobble, say "Sarah."
Gobble, gobble, gobble, say "Sarah"!
(whimpers)
Sarah.
(g*nsh*t echoes)
♪ ♪
♪ We must modernize Jerusalem ♪
♪ Detonate the temples ♪
♪ Let them fight over the dust ♪
♪ We will organize in Bethlehem ♪
♪ Able bodied women ♪
♪ And agnostic headstrong men ♪
♪ All will meet at ten ♪
♪ If you lose ♪
♪ Your fear of God ♪
♪ You are an animal ♪
♪ At heart ♪
♪ Heart ♪
♪ Show your teeth to everyone ♪
♪ Don't let no one prove you wrong ♪
♪ You are an animal ♪
♪ An animal ♪
♪ An animal ♪
♪ Show your teeth to everyone ♪
♪ Don't let no one prove you wrong ♪
♪ You are an animal ♪
♪ An animal ♪
♪ An animal ♪
♪ We must rearrange reality ♪
♪ Shuffle all the cards ♪
♪ Play the joker with the queen ♪
♪ ♪
We made it, Sarah.
We made it to the Hudson.
(coughs)
I'm comin' home now.
(sighs)
♪ ♪
Pump that up real quick just a few more notches.
Let me just go ahead and hit that. Mm!
This is all we need.
Yes.
A rat in a sewer.
That's what makes sense.
Oh, it just feels right.
I mean, it's a f*cked up world up there.
So f*cked!
Those demon giants are real as f*ck, man.
No thank you. (laughs)
Yeah, it's pure evil up there straight up.
Crazy journey though, you gotta admit.
It has been a fun ride.
We've met so many interesting people and we've done so many interesting things.
The most important thing is that I got to...
I got to do it with you.
You know, I got to go on all these crazy adventures with my... my best friend, Mikey.
Ah. Dude, you're my best friend, man.
You're my best friend, Mikey.
(clears throat) It's okay.
I mean, honestly, if this was the end, I'd be content, dude.
Yeah. Me too, man.
To the time of our lives.
No, I'm... I'm probably just gonna wait on that.
I don't wanna...
It's just water. Don't worry.
Yeah, yeah.
I got the bottles mixed up again.
You know, they say fool me once...
That was on me.
They say fool me once, shame on you.
Right.
You fooled me five times, Right.
So again, it's on... on you. So, shame on you.
Guilty as charged.
What the f*ck?!
Get off me! Mike! Mike, what's happening?
What? Get off me!
I can't see anything!
Phil!
The demons are back!
Let me go!
(screams)
Mike: Phil! Phil! Phil! Phil, wake up, dude. Dude, wake up.
Hm? Mommy?
(groans) Okay.
(groans)
What the... Wait, where are we?
I don't know, dude, but this is not good.
Various animals: Hey, come on! Let us out!
Where are we?
Let us out of here!
Hey, let us out!
Mommy?
Let us out!
Hey, let us out!
We're gonna die in here!
I don't like this.
(overlapping animal noises)
♪ ♪
01x10 - Turkeys.
"Animals" revolves around the downtrodden creatures native to New York City, with each episode consisting of a different cast and story line.