01x05 - Of Lice and Men

[bunniefuu]

Loren: And that's when it hit me.

I was at my most effective in Spain because of the mid-day naps.

So I started thinking... how can I bring that siesta culture into the classroom?

Is that why you replaced your desk with this couch?

It's called "casual teaching."

Feel free to hashtag it.

I see a lot of head-scratching going on.

It's not that confusing. It's pretty simple.

Nothing can faze you if you don't let it.

They're not confused they have lice.

Lice?

Okay, everybody out of the classroom.

Everybody. I'm serious!

Pack up your stuff and go! Move it, move it.

Get out of here! That's disgusting!

No time for order. Just move it. Run!

Follow your dirty little friends. Go!

♪
♪ Quit wasting my time ♪
♪ I ain't here for you ♪
♪ I'm just putting in work ♪
♪ Till my day is through ♪

So I kicked them all out, and now I have to bleach the floors.

I have to bug-b*mb the entire wing.

I have to burn all my books.

Why are you freaking out about this?

Do you guys know what lice are capable of?

Dude, I was in a touring band for most of my life.

My head is 100% scar tissue. I'm aware.

Then you of all people should know how relentless they are.

I got lice 11 times in the second grade.

They shaved my head and called me "powder."

Kids are cruel.

My parents did that.

Ugh, I would have k*lled for that nickname.

I ripped my pants sliding down a railing my freshman year and kids called me "sh*t Jeans" until I graduated.

They called you "sh*t Jeans"?

Kids are hilarious!

Yeah, well, they saw me wearing a pair of borrowed pants from the lost and found and assumed the worst.

Yeah, you know what they say when you assume...

You probably actually sh*t your jeans.

I did not sh*t my jeans.

Loren.

[Laughs]

I am hearing a lot of exciting stuff about your #casualteaching.

You gonna bring that out tonight at the Quinn Town Hall?

I'm not going to the Quinn Town Hall.

In case you haven't noticed, we're in the middle of a lice pandemic out there.

Lice?

Well, this is the first I'm hearing about it.

Oh, well, Welcome to the party, Quinn.

Oh, I like that fire, Loren, but, honestly, I think you're getting a little worked up over nothing here.

It's not nothing, okay? This is a serious situation.

There's something on the kids. There's something invisible on all the kids.

Oh, Fairbell, you, too?

You guys are blowing this out of proportion, all right?

It's time you take a cue from the q... stands for Quinn.

Yeah.

Now, come here.

I want to give you a calming hug, okay?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come here.

No, it's on...

What?

It's on you, too!

He has it, too!

I have it on me? What? No!

No! No one look at me!

No one look at me!

No one look at me!

[Crying]

Oh, god.

I have lice!

I have lice!

Well, what is it?

Oh, it's definitely lice.

I mean, this is the grossest thing I have ever seen in my entire time in the medical profession, and let me remind you, I have seen Jose Canseco's ballsac.

So what are we gonna do about it?

This man needs medicated shampoo unless you want to shave your beard.

Yeah, right.

[Chuckles]

Like the lead mandolin player of Beard Science is gonna shave his beard before the biggest gig of his life.

Your town hall gig is sh*t, Quinn.

Those parents are gonna crucify you over this lice thing.

Loren may be right here.

Mmhmm.

I remember when Manny got this in '06...

Just ripped the clubhouse apart.

I mean, we literally had to put a cone on Papi's head to keep him from scratching himself.

If it can divide BoSox Nation, it is going to ruin Smoot.

You have to follow CDC protocol, all right?

Find patient zero, contain the outbreak, clean up the hot zone.

You seem to really know your stuff on this, Loren.

How about you spearhead the containment effort?

How about that? That is, of course, if Dr. Greene is okay with it.

There it is Canseco's.

What is that?

Is that just crazy?

Is that the grossest thing you've ever seen?

That is like a fetus. I do not...

Look at it.

I'm not gonna look at that.

Understand it and feel it.

I'm not looking at it.

I am not looking at that.

Loren, I want you to take the point on this one, okay?

Fine.

But if I'm doing this, I want total authority.

Huh. God, it's like you're diving right into the leadership role I've always wanted you to take, like you were just this timid caterpillar and you just said, "get me in that cocoon.

Make me a butterfly!"

Get your beard out of this. "Make me a butter..."

Geoffrey! Geoffrey, no.

You cut the crap!

I have to get to a Wilsons Leather.

My god, look at him.

And then look at this.

Geoffrey: Attention, Smoot High...

I have a prepared statement here from Mr. Payton.

Effectively immediately, beloved Spanish teacher and bon vivant Loren Payton has graciously volunteered to manage this lice crisis.

While he does this vital work, you will respect his total authority.

He may not be the hero Goth... Denver wants, but he's the hero we deserve...

Together: A silent guardian, a watchable protector...

The Dark Knight.

Dark Knight.

All right, what do we got here?

Whoa.

[Laughter]

Hey there, Rocketeer, did you just jet pack in?

Get your shoes off my couch.

I don't know if you heard...

You're talking to your new boss now, so maybe a little respect.

Hey, we're only here because Quinn ordered us here, Josh Hartnett in "Pearl Harbor."

Watch it.

I wanted to be here.

And I think you look awesome.

They gave you the keys?

They gave me every key.

Thank you, Coach Fairbell.

Now, I've taken the liberty of highlighting the areas of our district most likely to yield lice-infested children.

Wait, it's Launchpad McQuack in "Ducktales." all right, Shoemaker.

I was gonna give you your dream job of interrogating kids to find patient zero, but after that last little jab, you just pulled shampooing duty with Tammy.

Get out of here.

So brave of you to draw a line in the sand, Brendan Fraser from "The Mummy."

I think you have heads to wash!

Ohh! Oh, that didn't hurt!

That didn't hurt at all! Ohh!

Anybody else have any questions, comments, observations?

If you single kids out like this, it's gonna follow them all the way through high school.

All right, sh*t Jeans.

Since you're so worried about stigmatizing the kids, you can babysit them in quarantine.

How's that sound?

Oh, wait, you're quarantining them?

Just the infected ones for as long as it takes.

Now, Fairbell, since I'm using your gym for quarantine...

No, no, no.

You'll help Abbey... yes.

No! I can't be around the infecteds.

What if they get in my brain?

That's not how lice work, man.

That's not what Stevie Litkens said.

He said they come down your hair, in your ear, plunge into your brain, turn you into a lice.

What have I told you about listening to Stevie Litkens?

Don't do it.

Lice nest in your scalp, they eat your dead skin, they lay their eggs, then those eggs hatch by the billions and they go on to infect new hosts.

That's way worse!

No, I got it. Uh, I'm sorry.

It's Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher.

[Chuckles]

Ohh! What are the odds?!

Jade, Asia... Hair. Great.

Ms. Logan, can we go to the vending machine and get some sodas?

Oh, sorry, no.

Anyone suspected of having lice has to stay in this room until we're cleared no exceptions.

Oh, my god.

Oh, but we can still have a lot of fun, you guys!

It's not like anyone is being singled out or ostracized or anything.

It's... no one's gonna get a nickname from this.

This sucks, Ms. Logan. We thought you were cool.

Well, I am... I am cool. I'm... I'm just doing my job.

Besides, it's not a popularity contest.

Says every unpopular person ever.

Well, you know, Becky, popularity...

It's a... it's a tricky subject.

You know, it ebbs and it flows.

I mean, sure, maybe I leaned more towards ebbing in high school, but that didn't... I mean, it didn't...

It didn't affect me. I got... I got divorced, you know, but that wasn't...

It wasn't exactly my fault, and I don't think of myself as a... as a damaged person.

You know, let's just, uh, do our homework and, um, not talk.

We didn't mean to offend you.

It's just hard to believe you weren't popular because you're so pretty.

[Chuckles]

That's... Okay, stop it.

I need two more infecteds!

Fairbell!

One male, one female.

You two, up! Up!

But what were you... You were saying, Becky?

Move it, infecteds. Move it!

Keep your hair where I can see it.

Hey! I brought you two more!

Well, glad to see you haven't overreacted.

There's no time for overreacting.

Leslie made me this suit.

She says she hopes I asphyxiate in it.

That makes two of us.

Tammy: 15 years at this school, and this what my life has come to... lice check.

Hey! I could have been interrogating kids right now, but instead I'm down here at the dog wash.

And, Danzig... hey, what fingerless gnome cut your hair?

This... I'm just gonna... and there.

That's all we had to do, huh?

And, look, now we can... okay.

Mr. Shoemaker, when you're done with his hair, can you do mine?

I can do it.

Oh, please, Tammy.

This is an art form, not something you can just B.S. your way through.

You don't think I can do it?!

If his lame ass can cut hair, so can I!

What are you doing? What are... all right, fake Navarro.

Up! I'm done with you. I've done all I can do.

Get out of here. You! Hey!

On deck! Get in here.

Now! Sit! Come on!

I like my hair the way it is, though.

You're a teenager. You don't know what you like.

♪

Some real dope boys, huh?

That's cool. Don't talk.

But I will figure out which one of your vermin brought lice into this school so it never happens again.

That jacket should never happen again.

[Laughs]

The juggalo speaks.

Hey, what's your home situation, Faygo? Huh?

A lot of unwashed step-dads coming in, taking in stray pets?

What's the carpet in your basement look like?

Man, look at that kid's lice! It's disgusting!

Which kid?

Damn it... oldest trick in the book!

Get back here!

Fairbell! Stop that kid!

Stop by the order of super comandante Payton!

[Grunts]

Ugh!

Ooh.

[Groaning]

Loren!

What in God's name are you doing out here?

Quinn, in my defense, I did not think that was going to work.

Well, we are trying to have a jam session right now and we can't concentrate with all the noise.

Oh, Jesse. Jesse.

Hey. Hey.

Now, where do we stand on the lice situation?

We're less than two hours away from showtime.

You just focus on Beard Science, okay?

I got this.

What happened here?

I'll tell you what happened here.

These kids are escaping on your watch while you go out and buy junk food to feed your habit. Come on.

It's not for me... It's for the kids.

The kids don't need candy, Abbey.

They need shampoo. Get in there.

What are you doing?

What I should have done a long time ago...

Full containment.

Oh, my god, a hole. Oh, god. Oh, god.

I've got a breach!

We can't just lock people in the gym... they'll panic.

No one is going to panic.

[Suspenseful music plays]

Help! The lices are gonna get in my hole!

Not now, Fairbell. The grown-ups are talking.

[Groans]

This is the only way to make sure nobody escapes.

Clearly, you're no help.

I'm only trying to make this whole containment thing somewhat fun for the kids.

Can you hear yourself? I got news for you, Abbey.

Those girls in there are exactly like the girls that called you sh*t Jeans in high school.

Let me tell you something, Loren.

Help, help! Help! Help!

You are not the only faculty member that these kids are capable of finding really cool.

So open that door and give me the key.

All right, don't sh*t your jeans.

Here you go, Abbey. Have fun being so super-cool, 'cause the second this day is over, they're gonna drop you faster than Shoemaker's history class.

[Clears throat]

[Can clunks]

Hi, girls!

Hi!

[Laughs]

[Dramatic music plays]

[Laughter]

[Clattering]

[Muffled panting]

♪

No! No!

Ohhhh!

[Muffled panting]

[Grunting]

Core... Strength.

Lift from the butt.

♪

[Clang echoes]

[Laughing]

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

I am well on my way to a fancy new Macklemore.

[Laughs]

Well, I am easing my way into a meat dress-era Lady Gaga.

[Laughs]

Derivative.

Bullshit.

My technique is flawless.

Okay, there is a line out the door.

What is the holdup in here?

Hey, you can have it good or you can have it quick.

You can't have it both ways.

Mm-hmm. I don't want either.

I just want you to shampoo these kids' heads.

You're gonna have to do extensions with that.

Be careful you don't fry them out.

Why don't you stop criticizing me and get to zhuzhing?

I am not zhuzhing. I never zhuzh my clients.

I will have you know that every brush stroke has a meaning.

Sorry if I like a little body and bounce.

Well, why don't we take it to the Quinn Town Hall tonight and let the audience decide who's the best stylist?

You're on. Hmm.

Hmm. Mm-mmm.

Ooh!

Snip, snip.

Snip, ship. Ha ha!

Okay, I think you guys are really taking your eyes off the ball on this one.

In case you haven't noticed, we're in the middle of a lice outbre...

[thumping]

Oh, what fresh hell is this?

Sounds like a large animal... a big one.

You get! Get out of here!

Go on! Get!

Oh! Oh!

You get!

Ohh! Oh!

Get!

Aah!

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, God damn it.

[Ringtone plays]

This better be important, Fairbell.

You got to help me.

Where are you? It sounds like you're in a wind tunnel.

I'm trying to leave the ducts.

You're trying to feed the ducks?

I don't have time for this bullshit man.

We're in the middle of a lice outbreak, and I just found out there's an animal roaming the ventilation system.

There is? Oh, my god.

Yeah, I don't know.

Whatever it is, it sounds huge.

I think it's a coyote, maybe a black bear.

Oh, my god!

Oh! Oh, my god!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

No, I got to go. It's on the move.

[Cellphone chimes]

Somebody just tweeted there's a coyote in the air ducts.

Ooh! It's scary.

[Laughs]

So what are you guys doing later on tonight?

Um, I have a date.

I was kind of thinking I would stop hanging out with a teacher.

[Laughter]

Good one, Becky.

[Bell rings]

[Door rattles]

Hey, unlock this so we can go home!

Oh, so sorry, but I haven't gotten the go-ahead.

The whole school's under lockdown.

Boy, I hope you're not late for your date tonight.

But this is still fun, right?

We're having fun, right?

[Folk music plays]

♪ Every day, I go to the trees ♪
♪ I look for the smoke, and I feel the breeze ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm down by the river, down by the mountain ♪
♪ Got some gummy gumdrops, and I want a water fountain ♪

Come on. Come on, Jess.

Jess, come on. Jess! Jess! Jess!

Now is not the time to be flat, okay?

You got to pucker, and you got to push, okay, Sassafras?

He's right, Jesse. You're flat.

Oh, who gives a sh*t?

No one ever comes to these gigs, anyway.

Altitude, not attitude.

All right, Quinn, let's brief.

What is this I'm hearing about a coyote up in the ducts?

It's all over Twitter.

There are some rumors out there, yeah.

Well, you want me to get my shotgun?

Not necessary, Jesse. I got it totally under control.

♪

[Machinery whirring]

See you in hell.

[Air rushing]

[Muffled panting]

What's... what's that smell? Oh! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Aah!

Guy said he had enough gas to k*ll a buffalo.

[Thumping]

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

[Gasping]

[Thuds]

See?

Quinn, they're ready for you.

♪ Bumblebee, Bumblebee ♪
♪ Tum, tum, tum, da-ding ♪
♪ Bumblebee ♪
♪ L-l-l-l-l-l-l-l! ♪
♪ Bumblebee ♪

Bumblebee, Bumblebee, Bumblebee. Tum, tum, tum, tum, tum, tum.

Bumblebee, ba, ba, ba, ba. Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta. Ugh!

All right, let's go.

Welcome to Quinn Town Hall, an annual exchange of creativity and "idears."

[Laughs]

So, uh, I'd like to start by addressing the elephant in the room.

Yes, my band "Beard Science" is gonna play... later, all right?

You don't start a meal with dessert.

Okay, so as I understand, a lot of your probably have some concerns about our little situation here at Smoot...

Or should I say, "hair" at Smoot?

And I'm sure you've got lots of questions, and...

Yeah, what's this crap about the new bus schedule?

Did they finally k*ll that coyote in the duct?

What about that handgun they found the cafeteria?

I-I-I was actually talking about the lice pandem... uh, um.

It's actually under control.

Huh? What? What lice pandemic?

What are you talking about?

That's the third handgun they found this year.

Oh, okay, uh, so you don't even know what I'm talk... Okay, you know what?

Why don't we forget I even said anything?

And let's move this thing along.

I couldn't agree more. Thanks, Geoffrey.

We'll handle it from here.

Hey, how y'all feelin' tonight?!

[Laughs]

Sexy, I hope, because we have an amazing show for you tonight.

Tammy, why don't you tell 'em all about it?

Well, what started out as a simple lice shampooing turned into a life-changing event.

You will not recognize your kids when you see what we have done with them.

Tell 'em, billy.

All right.

First, let's start with Ben.

Come on out, Ben.

In just 3 1/2 hours, I took this dud to stud!

Whoo-hoo! [Laughs]

Now, that's a nice 'do, baby. That's a nice 'do.

But why don't we get a young lady up here on this stage?

Beth, come on out here.

Now, when I first laid eyes on Beth, she was a real see-something, say-something, but now this bitch is on fire!

[Laughs]

Beth, get your ass out here. Get on out here!

Woman: What the hell is this?

You cut our kids' hair?!

Not all of them, just the ones that Quinn quarantined.

Quinn, are you out of your mind?

You quarantined our kids?!

I didn't technically quarantine anyone, okay?

Loren, here, uh, maybe you would like to stand up and explain to everyone what you did, huh?

Stand up right now.

Yeah, stand up, guy.

[Crowd booing]

Okay, all right, all right, all right.

Boo yourselves, all right.

I was just trying to solve a problem one of you started by sending your dirty kid to school with lice.

Screw you, Chris Pratt from "Jurassic World"

Yeah!

I'll take it. I don't consider that an insult.

Get out of here.

Okay, Jesses, this thing is getting out of control.

I think we need a little Bluegrass music, and we're gonna go with "Black Cherry Mountain" on a-three... and a-one, and a-two, and a-this is what we do.

Hey! The fire department's here!

Woman: What?

No! Where are you all going?

♪ Everybody, go down to the river ♪
♪ That's where... ♪

Walk across! Use the hips!

Hey! Who won?

♪... Cherry Mountain Pie ♪

Hey, who...

♪ I wish everyone would sit back down ♪
♪ And not leave to... ♪

[Jesse whistling]

[Music ends]

Every God damn time.

Are they pulling that dead coyote out of there?

That's no coyote. Ain't dead, neither.

It asked for its mom.

Fairbell.

♪

Did I make a few controversial decisions?

Yeah, that's what leaders do.

I think ultimately history will judge me very kindly.

You mean like Stalin?

Hey, did they ever find that coyote?

They didn't k*ll it, did they?

Oh, no, no, no, no, buddy. It was too stupid to die.

It's in a farm, in the mountains.

Thank god.

Well, time to settle up.

This is the awkward part...

Especially since I gassed a human being.

Yes.

Tell you what... how 'bout I just tear up this bill and we pretend I was never here?

Fine. Now I got to get back to figuring out where these lice came from.

Hey, most of the time it's an infested object...

An old hat, some clothing, furniture off the street, that kind of thing.

[Laughing]

This couch is tickling me.

♪

Way to go, Dark Knight.

Guess we got the hero we deserved.

You should get out of here.

Take him with you.

I'll set this f*cking couch on fire.

Good luck with that.

Kurt Russel in "Backdraft".

Then... hanging from the door handle...

Was the hook?

Yeah, we know.

Can we leave now? My date started half an hour ago.

Oh, man. I wish I could let you.

But somebody got the go ahead.***

But look what I found here.

Scary Stories For Girls Only Too.

And two is spelled T-O-O.

[sighs]

Okay.

The girl with the yellow ribbon.

There once was a girl with a yellow ribbon.