02x04 - 8 Mile High

[bunniefuu]

[Rapping] ♪ Yo, you frighten like Casper ♪
♪ All trying to scare us ♪
♪ But, bitch, please, we ain't scared ♪
♪ We Las Hermanas Tijeras ♪
♪ Mess with us and your situation is mucho precarious ♪
♪ Straight off the streets ♪

[Raps in Spanish]

No, she didn't.

What'd I tell you!

No, she didn't.

What'd I tell you!

Oh!

Mm!

Damn, Jimmy. I can't believe Jake's letting you use the basement of the pizza shop for these battles.

What Cousin-uncle Jake don't know don't hurt Cousin-uncle Jesse.

[Chuckling]

That's what I'm saying, son.

These battles bring you back, cuz?

I remember when you used to spit back in high school.

I spit a little bit, then I got my braces off, turned into a pretty decent rapper.

Yeah, you did. You did.

Maybe I should dust those rhymes off, come back next week, teach these girls what's up.

I've been listening to Bone Thugs.

Well, let me break it down for you like this... these Las Hermanas Tijeras... they're on that new-ish.

[Bleep]

You're on that old-ish.

You want to get up on that stage, you gotta update your flow.

Do not question my flow, Jimmy.

I've had heavy flow since day one, you know that.

All right.

I can get on this new-ish.

All right. Respect.

But one thing... you get up on that stage, you gotta bring a crew.

Oh, that's what's up?

That's what's up.

Hey! Hey, there's a two-pizza blunt minimum, assh*le.

No exceptions! No exceptions!

Hey, buds.

Oh, God, Abbey!

Gross! What are you doing here?

I got a rap Groupon.

I'm supposed to meet my friends in a... a couple hours ago.

Yeah, you got ditched, Abbey.

No!

It's just a tricky thing to get people out on a Friday because Saturday is the next day, and... but, who cares, we're here, we're friends!

Is this the guy?

Yeah.

Come on, dude. Why you disrespect me like that?

God damn it.

[Spraying]

Yo, watch it!

I'm sorry.

That's what I thought, Raggedy-ass Ann.

You know what? No. I am not sorry.

I have had a [bleep] night, an even worse week, all my friends ditched me, and I've had to eat eight [bleep] damn pizza blunts because Jimmy won't let me out of my Groupon.

Ohhhhh!

[Cackling]

Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

Damn, little orphan Annie, you just made my [bleep] card.

You smoke?

Uh, yeah. I-I smoke.

You want to come ride with us?

Yeah. I... I-I would love to come ride with you ladies.

Get some scissors.

Let's go.

What kind of scissors?

♪♪
♪ Quit wasting my time ♪
♪ I ain't here for you ♪
♪ I'm just putting in work ♪
♪ Till my day is through ♪

It's called a crew, and it has to be three deep.

Now, I'll rap last as I'm clearly the leader, but I need two other rappers to go before me.

Nah.

Oh, me, me, me!

Fairbell, when I've exhausted every other option, I'll come to you.

That's all I'm asking.

And yet, you keep asking it.

Yeah, that's all I'm asking.

Okay, Shoemaker, I tried to get the O.G. Park Hill crew back together.

No go... they're all doctors now.

But you're a musician.

Yeah, but, no, see, I do love music, but, you know, I like rock 'n' roll and the blues.

I'm not into co-opting black culture or anything.

Come on. It'll be easy. I'm the main event.

You just get up there, grab the mic and say whatever.

Yeah, but still, even if I wanted to, I've got this new relationship with Doris, and so, I can't do anything 'cause I got a petulant little boy at home who just sits in his room and sulks all day 'cause he doesn't understand my new relationship with his mother.

I'm sitting right here! Stop talking about me like I don't exist!

And I've already told you to watch your sass mouth, Rod, haven't I?

Talk to me, not at me, Bill!

Oh, I will talk at you because as your common-law stepfather, I am allowed to.

I wish you never came into my life, Bill!

I tell you what... never adopt.

Rodrick Samuel Knorr, you get back here!

That's just great.

Can I be in your rap crew now?

Fairbell, I'm still gonna ask a lot more people first, okay?

Wouldn't have it any other way.

Whoa! Somewhere, Brian Setzer must be missing a stray cat.

And somewhere a glory hole is missing that pretty little mouth.

[Bleep] Abbey! Escalation much?

I'm so sick of your [bleep].

Okay, can we talk about our dynamic a little bit?

Now, see, what usually happens is I diss you, you weakly try to diss me back, and then I come back even harder, leaving you thoroughly clowned.

Yeah. That's [bleep] over now, Holmes.

Were you hanging with those lesbian g*ng-bangers all weekend, Abbey?

They are not lesbians or in a g*ng.

They are a group of like-minded women who support each other and never leave a friend hanging on Friday night and... may have stolen some Blu-rays from Best Buy.

Mm. Any copies of "Rush Hour 2"?

Uh, four of 'em.

I'll take all four. $60 sound fair?

Thank you, Fairbell.

You're just jealous you don't have any friends for life.

For life?

Mm-hmm.

You met them on Friday. I have plenty of friends.

Oh, yeah? Name two.

Me, me, me, me, me.

Coty and Dalton.

[Scoffs] That's what I thought.

Now give me that scone, you friendless bitch.

What?!

I guess just drop my wallet and the Blu-rays off tomorrow?

[Rapping lamely] She is tough.

That was rough.

Maybe you've had enough of that stuff?

Fairbell, was that your rap?

Mmmmmmmmm.

[Sighs]

All right. You can join my crew.

Yes! Oh, thank you! That was so hard.

I'm gonna go get some sports drink.

I need a scone first. They're out.

You got it, rap leader.

♪♪

Phil, what up, man? What's good, homey?

What the blood clot, son?

You good? You good?

You know what I'm talking about? Ha ha!

Bet, that's what's up.

Hey, listen, you and I have not really hung out per se.

That is correct.

But I'm putting together a crew.

Really?

Yeah.

A crew?

Uh-huh.

Loren.

Was hoping you could join us.

Well, I did row crew at Bates.

No, Phil, this is a different thing, all right?

This is a rap crew for a battle, and I'm one rapper short, so I figured, who better than my man Phil to come spit some fire?

And you came to me because...?

Because... you're probably a dope lyricist.

I'm black?

What?!

Loren.

No!

You came to me because I'm black.

Phil, that is not what's going on here.

Loren, you do know that not all black people can rap, right?

Uh, Phil, you do know that not all white people think that all black people can rap, right?

Hey, Tammy.

Phil already texted me.

Oh [bleep] damn it!

[Muffled rock music playing over headphones]

Stupid Shoemaker!

Stupid Mom!

Hey, Rod.

I'm not sure what I'm interrupting here, but I'm starting a rap crew and I could really use a conservative 40-year-old w*r veteran.

Can't you read? The sign says, "Keep out."

Don't know what she sees in him anyway.

It was fine when it was just the two of us.

Cattie: So, I said, "I'm sorry, Governor Romney, but I'm just not that kind of girl."

Now, what the hell is this?

It's graffiti, Cattie.

I can see it's graffiti, Tammy.

I was just hoping that you could decipher it for me.

And you were hoping this because...?

Because I forgot my glasses.

Oh, okay.

And you're black.

There it is.

LHT, Las Hermanas Tijeras, a female Honduran prison g*ng.

I watch a lot of "Gangland."

[Bleep] almighty!

Now we got a g*ng problem here at Smoot!

♪♪

What the hell is this?

Cattie installed metal detectors because of our "g*ng" problems.

See, that's the ticket.

[Beeping]

You know, don't engage a problem or fix a problem... you search a problem or restrict a problem while we, the beleaguered masses, huddle in a line and wait for this man in a uniform to wave his wand like some sort of sl*ve driving sorcerer shrinking our liberties until we're nothing more than faceless, castrated non-threats.

[Applause]

You just freestyled.

No, I didn't. I just said what I was thinking, and this guy...

No, no, no. That's what rap is.

You dig deep, you find what's inside and you just spit the truth.

So, in a way, a rap battle is like a therapist's couch?

Sure. Yes, yes, exactly.

It's where you express your innermost thoughts.

I could use that. Okay, yes. I-I'll do it.

You'll rap?

Yeah... Well, why not?

I could use the talk time.

All right.

This battle is on.

Now, what is the hold up?

[Detector warbling]

Yes, yes, son. What the blood clot, Jimmy?

Dude, what are you doing?

Are you writing fake prescriptions again?

[Whispering] You got in so much trouble for that.

No! Because that would be a federal offense!

[Normal voice] I just came to tell you you're looking at the newest M.C. of your Free-Flow Friday, son.

Oh! [Laughs] You crewed up?

Hell, yeah, I crewed up.

They fresh?

No. They're like 40. It's Fairbell and Shoemaker.

Now, who you gonna battle?

Dude, doesn't matter. Line 'em up, I'll mow 'em down.

I'm afraid it doesn't work like that.

In Jimmy's dungeon, it's all about the show.

Like TNT, son, you gotta bring the drama!

Okay. Then I just get some beef.

Oh, no. You can't just come at me with any kind of beef.

You gotta bring the high-quality beef.

Farm to table, grass-fed beef Friday night.

Yeah, absolutely. You gonna bring the Iron Chef's secret ingredient beef with you?

I'll bring some Wagyu beef, I'll bring some Kobe beef, I'll cook it up, serve it up, give it to every little kid in the house.

You come to me with that kind of beef?

I'm gonna put you up on that stage on Friday, cousin.

Bet, bet. I'm out to get that beef.

All right.

Oh, Jimmy, I forgot, did you hear Nana has to have another hip surgery?

You're kidding me.

No. Same hip.

You know what, we should visit her.

We should visit.

We should visit her.

Oh, my God, she would love that.

She would love that!

Call Papa.

Okay, I'll call Papa.

Let's find a time.

All right. I'll let him know.

All right. Bye.

Bye, Jimmy.

What the hell are you looking at?!

[Whistle blowing]

[Rapping lamely] ♪ All right, J.V., take a knee ♪
♪ I want you to see the words out of me ♪

[b*at-boxing]

Coach, Coach, I-I need you to stop.

♪ I don't want you to tattle ♪
♪ But this Friday night, Coach F. is in a rap... ♪

Battle?

Fight!

No, fight.

Coach, clearly you need us to help you with this.

Yes, please. [Sighs]

Rap's supposed to be fun, Coach.

The simplest things are the best.

Hey, my mom used to say that about me all the time.

Yeah. How about we, uh, let you take a listen to the stuff that we're into, huh?

All right. Fresh!

[Rap b*at plays]

Uh, uh, what's happening to my legs?

Ah, ah, ah.

I thought this type of music was forbidden.

♪♪

Hey! Watch where you're going.

Come on!

Yo, what'd you just say to me?

I said, "Watch where you're going."

This is a faculty parking lot, so why don't you guys turn this car around, park on the street with the rest of the visitors.

I didn't... I... You know what, park where you'd like.

I didn't see the scissors.

Okay, just park wherever you'd like.

Y-Y-Y-Y-Y... Whoa, whoa! He's cool.

I mean, he's not cool, but we shouldn't k*ll him.

Yeah, this puta better watch his mouth!

Okay, okay, uh, excuse me? Puta?

Hablo español, okay?

[Speaking Spanish]

Ah, hablas español.

[Speaking Spanish]

[Speaking Spanish]

[Arguing in Spanish]

Aah! What the... You stabbed me!

I thought it was escalating.

It wasn't escalating.

We were talking about verb structure, and you s*ab me?

Yo, I just greased you, bitch!

Yo, whatever. Let's just roll to Chubby's.

Yeah.

We're gonna roll to Chubby's, bitch.

Are you serious? Those [bleep]

Wait a minute. Wait, I think I just found my beef!

Guys, I just figured out my beef.

It's with Las Hermanas Tijeras and Abbey.

Ha ha! Wow!

Oh, my God.

♪♪

Rodrick Samuel Knorr, you get back here!

Screw you! You're not my real dad!

I am your legal guardian!

Billy, look.

That was pretty cool.

Right?

What's this bull[bleep]

Cattie called a meeting to address some g*ng v*olence.

You snitch on me?

I didn't snitch!

I passed out and somebody found me.

You're lucky they did. I could've d*ed out there on those mean streets.

Yeah?

Ow!

Now, I have called this emergency meetin' here today to discuss the g*ng issues here at Smoot.

It's also been brought to my attention that a teacher has been lightly stabbed by a...

There is no light stabbing.

It's not rain. You're either stabbed or you're not.

Loren, why don't you take a seat before you pull that stitch, darling?

Now, I have brought with me today my urban planner, who is gonna oversee this meeting. Tammy?

I'd like to reiterate that I find it offensive that just because I'm black you assume I know about this stuff.

But let's get to the root of the problem.

Why do people join gangs in the first place?

Maybe they're so desperate for friendship they just join a g*ng in a bathroom.

Or maybe they go to that bathroom because their friend abandons them.

That is still no reason for someone to s*ab someone else in a parking lot.

No, you didn't get stabbed. That was just a Tijuana love tap.

Don't touch it!

This is about the students!

How do we resolve these issues?

Rap battle. Rap battle resolves any conflict, unless someone is too "skirred" to battle.

I'm not too "skirred."

Someone doesn't want to battle a buster!

Maybe someone needs to remember somebody else got dirt on the mother[bleep] and they wouldn't be afraid to tell and drop a dime on that ass.

Okay, this is a lost cause.

Well, I think we made some real progress here today.

I'll see you Friday, bitch.

Friday it is. Friday it is.

Yeah, I'm still not sure why I was made to come to this.

Phil, do we have to have yet another conversation about your tone?

All right, fam. Listen up!

Alright, now, we got a lot of confirmed gangsters in the building tonight.

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

We'll do it like this, see.

Put your hands in the air if you got dr*gs on your person right now.

[Cheering]

All right.

Keep 'em up. Keep 'em up! Keep 'em up.

All right, looks like nine, looks like nine confirmed.

Nine confirmed!

All right, fresh gangster!

Boy, subtlety is not Jimmy's strong suit, is it?

We'll see how subtle he is with a b*llet in his head.

[Bleep] Dave.

What?

Jimmy: All rappers report to the basement.

Hey, hey. W-W-W-Wait. Hey, listen.

I-I-I don't think this is a very good idea.

Come on, Shoemaker. I need you in battle mode, dude. Game face, all right?

But you never said anything about going into a basement.

So what?

I am not good at basements.

It brings up a lot of dark [bleep] from the past, and I-I...

If you thr*aten not to rap one more time, guess what?

I'm gonna put you on blast.

What does that even mean?

Test me.

I swear to God, test me right now, Shoemaker.

I'm just being hon...

And you're on blast.

You happy? Until further notice, you are on blast!

Where is Fairbell?

Yo, b*tches. You ready to get smoked like endo?

Can't wait to hear your nursery rhymes [bleep]

[Speaking Spanish]

You're gonna be suckin' my [bleep] by the end of the night.

[Bleep]

What's up with them?

I can't even hear you, because you're on blast, and I can't hear people on blast.

But what does that mean?

Blast!

But I...

B...

What does...

Blast!

All right, all right, all right. We are back. Come on!

[Cheers and applause]

Come on! All right.

Gentlemen, ladies, it's really simple.

Three rounds, freestyle, audience picks the winner.

[Cheering]

Just, quick reminder, quick reminder...

I am wearing a red, button-down shirt with no Kevlar vest.

Again, I am not wearing any Kevlar on my person right now.

All right, all right, let's get to it.

First rapper, Team Sodo.

[Chatter]

I don't know where our first rapper is.

If he's not here in 30 seconds, I gotta call it.

I hear ya, but he said he'd be here.

What's your boy's name again?

What did he say his name was?

Fairbell: Mr. Mile High, Mr. Mile High. Spike it, Little Debbie!

What's this...

[bleep]

[Rap b*at plays]

Yeah. Mr. Mile High!

Mr. Mile High. Yeah! Mr. Mile High.

Oh, my God.

Mr. Mile High. Mr. Mile High.

This is a rap battle. It's not the Latin Grammys.

Mr. Mile High! Whoo!

♪ Dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs ♪
♪ Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk ♪

What the hell is he doing?

I think he's just listing the things that he likes over and over again.

Man, I'm just glad he's not saying Mr. Mile High any...

Mr. Mile High!

Oh, there he is. He's back.

There he goes.

He's back on it.

♪ Dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs ♪

All right, all right!

He's back. And he's back.

Give me my microphone!

Aah!

First round goes to Las Hermanas Tijeras.

[Cheering]

They didn't even rap. They didn't even rap!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you did, and that was enough.

Now, leave this place forever.

You're making everything about this less cool!

Well, good. I have to return my Hummer limo, so there.

[Crowd jeering]

I apologize for that sincerely.

All right. History teacher, you're up.

Whoa, whoa. No, no, no. I am not...

No, no, no, you got this.

I'm not doing this.

Hey, this is what we talked about up there.

We're in the dungeon now. You want that dark [bleep]

All right?

You want [bleep]

You can't be worse than Fairbell. Now get out there and spit fire.

No worse than Fairbell.

You got this, Shoe, come on.

You got this, Shoemaker. You got this!

All right.

Hey, you, D.J., drop that b*at.

[Rap b*at plays]

Ah, all right.

Everybody, put your hands up.

Put your hands up.

I'm about to get grimy on this [bleep]

When I was young, my neighbor used to lure me into his basement with promises of candy and soda before he put his hands into my mouth, then into my [bleep] and then he'd tell me, "Don't tell nobody or I'll k*ll your entire family.

Don't you talk to nobody about this.

Because if you do, I'll k*ll you."

Time-out, time-out, time-out.

Shoemaker, Shoemaker.

What?

What are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I doing?

What are you doing out there?

I'm finding my darkness.

No. You're supposed to go at them.

Go at them. Aggressive-style, on the att*ck.

Oh, okay. My bad.

Yeah.

Okay.

Just...

Out of context, that was...

All right, man, take another sh*t at it.

A'ight. Sorry about that, everybody.

Hey, yo, D.J., drop that b*at!

[Whispering] I apologize.

[Rap b*at plays]

Hey, yo, hey, yo.

Put your hands back in the air!

Put 'em up again!

Get 'em up!

All right, I hate you, I hate you, I hate your whole [bleep] crew.

For not being there that day in the basement when my neighbor had his hands in my mouth and in my [bleep]

You could have stopped Keith.

You could've told him. You could've ran for help.

But none of you were there!

No [bleep] Shoemaker. Shoemaker. Shoemaker.

Okay. Okay!

There are some things going on up here that are clearly beyond the scope of a rap battle.

So Las Hermanas Tijeras win again.

[Cheers and applause]

Nah. Nah, he can have that round.

I don't even want that.

That [bleep] too real.

That's very nice of you. Thank you.

No.

Yeah. This wasn't the place for this, but I-I appreciate you having me down to your basement.

[Crying] Thank you for making a little pathway for me.

All right!

So... So, we all tied up, heading into the final round.

All right.

Yeah!

You know what, let that bitch go first.

Oh, yeah?

See what you got, Logan.

See what you got.

Yo, D.J., drop that b*at.

[Rap b*at plays]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

♪ You actin' all deep like you got somethin' to say, yo ♪
♪ You think you're Dr. Dre, you're not even Drea de Matteo ♪
♪ We bangin'-ass b*tches, born and raised by the streets ♪
♪ You're just a punk-ass kid who lives in Cherry Creek ♪
♪ My rhymes are the... I'm gonna make you grovel ♪
♪ 'Cause til the day you die ♪
♪ You ain't never finishing that novel ♪
♪ Look at your face, you call it a beard ♪
♪ It's like my [bleep] when it grows out and gets all weird ♪
♪ I can make you my bitch, put you on a short leash ♪
♪ But I ain't 'cause your d*ck's so small I'd need a microfiche ♪
♪ You think you're interesting ♪
♪ You're not, you're hella boring ♪
♪ If you're not a little bitch, how come your name is Loren? ♪

[Cheers and applause]

Jimmy: What are you doin'?

This is that new-ish.

I'm coming at them on their level.

Hey, yo, D.J., play that track I gave you.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

This is what's up.

[Clears throat]

Y'all mind if I take a turn? Thanks.

Hey, yo, this is girl talk.

When I was a little girl, I knew I was different from my sisters.

I didn't like My Little Pony, wasn't interested in the mistress.

When you're a kid, they call you tomboy.

Good at climbing trees and on your bike.

When you're a teenager, not so innocent.

Cornrows get you labeled... Psych!

'Cause I would never use that word for malice.

Never use that... for spite.

Took it back, looked up the definition.

Stopped the flood of hatred with this dike.

But, yo, that attitude... that's born in perspective.

Took me 37 years to unlock.

Out there, amongst the wicked, there's no judgment, there's just girl talk.

Take it home.

♪ Do-do-do-do-do, girl talk ♪

What the hell is he doing?

He's Macklemore'ing.

♪ Just a homie in a hoodie with a dark little secret ♪

Is he telling us he's a lesbian?

Nah, nah, nah, nah. See, you would think that.

What he's doing, he's using his upper-middle-class perspective to comment on what it's like to be an inner-city Hispanic lesbian.

♪ Talk about some girl talk ♪

This is some next-level [bleep]

♪ Couple girls talkin' 'bout life ♪
♪ Girl talk ♪
♪ Just a couple girls talkin' ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout some real girl talk ♪
♪ Couple girls talkin' 'bout life ♪

[Mellow piano notes play]

[Distorted] ♪ Giiirl talk ♪

[Thud, microphone feedback]

[Jimmy clapping]

Yeah, too stunned to respond. I'm not surprised.

It's some pretty next-level [bleep]

You know what, cue it up again.

I think they'll get it on the second time.

Wow! You a fool!

You know, it's 2016. It's okay to admit you're a lesbian.

I just broke through the glass ceiling for you.

How 'bout I break through your glass ceiling?

I don't know how you'd do that.

As a heterosexual male, there's... Oh, you mean s*ab me.

She's got a Kn*fe! Mirror, mirror!

Mirror, mirror!

That's the signal.

Oh! Whoo! Weapons hot!

Dave.

Weapons hot!

Mirror, mirror!

Dave: DEA! Anyone with dr*gs, hands against your head!

FDA! Anyone with expired produce, up against the wall, or you will be k*lled!

Give me a reason!

Dave.

[Siren wails]

Anybody would go to the basement for a Cadbury egg!

It was June!

Ow, ow, ow! You are crushing my private business!

I said I'm Mr. Mile High.

I don't even know what cocaine looks like. Ow!

What? But I didn't do anything.

Yeah, she does not look like your typical Hermana Tijera.

Macklemore, come here for a second.

This one... she been involved in any illicit g*ng activity?

Her? Nah, we're just hanging out on a Friday night.

She's just a boring-ass librarian.

Right, Abbey?

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, no, she's not a gangster at all, guys.

She's just, um... She's just a f-friend.

Agent: Okay. Super-touching, too.

Hey, man, when does that mix tape drop?

Oh, you all like real hip-hop?

Yes.

Okay. Lettuce drops in June.

Did you see that?

Loren.

I mean, I-I know we've had our difficulties, but I really feel like this is a change in our relationsh...

[bleep]

♪♪

You know, I, um, I wanted to apologize.

This weekend, I was forced to remember, very publicly, just how difficult growing up can be.

So, I... got you this.

Go ahead.

Yeah?

Open it.

"Call of Battle: Questionable Deployment"?!

Yeah!

Oh!

Oh, I love it, but... my shrink at the V.A. hospital specifically said I shouldn't play this game.

Well, then I guess it'll have to be just our little secret.

Yeah.

A secret you should never...

[Voice breaking] tell anyone.

Half the game takes place inside of a flashback.

And, best of all, the FDA agent said I didn't have any dr*gs in my butt.

Way to go, Mr. Mile High.

I'm proud of you.

I gotta go.

Loren, I want to thank you for the other night, even though you did ditch me again.

Well, you're welcome, and the important thing is that you and I have reestablished our dynamic.

So you're out of the g*ng life now?

You done with that?

The feds put most of the power players in jail, so there's not much of a g*ng left.

So, why was your cousin wearing a wire anyway?

Jake was in trouble with the FDA 'cause of some bad produce, so Jimmy struck a deal with the DEA because of the drug element hanging around the store.

It's standard joint-task-force stuff.

Has nobody here seen "The Wire"?

God!

I have a feeling Jimmy's gonna get what he deserves.

[Scissors snip]