02x10 - Electile Dysfunction

[bunniefuu]

[Indistinct shouting]

With all other precincts reporting, the Denver mayoral race has come down to the votes inside Smoot High's polling place.

As you can see, tensions are growing.

Principal Quinn, what seems to be the problem?

Uh, there is absolutely no problem, uh, here.

You cannot rush the democratic, uh, process.

Uh, I assure everyone when we get the results of the election, they're gonna be coming soon, okay?

I have my best team on it.

Man: Get out!

[Screams]

Man: Keep the change, you filthy animal!

♪♪
♪ Quit wasting my time ♪
♪ I ain't here for you ♪
♪ I'm just putting in work ♪
♪ Till my day is through ♪
♪♪

[Indistinct conversation]

Hey, you guys excited for today?

[Chuckling] Yeah.

I would not miss this for the world.

So pumped. Yeah.

Wow!

I'm impressed that you're so invested in this momentous occasion.

Of course, but I just...

I just can't believe "Upton Bisby" is finally ending.

Wait, "Upton Bisby"?

I w... I'm talking about the mayoral election.

Mayoral election?

Who gives a [bleep]

Who gives a [bleep]

We have the chance to elect Teresa Ortega.

Uh, pbht!

She'll be the first female minority mayor of Denver.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Abbey, mayoral elections happen every 11 years or some bull[bleep]

No.

The series finale of the most beloved show...

Yes.

... of our entire generation...

that is a once-in-a-lifetime event.

Look, I love "Upton Bisby," too.

I'm just gonna DVR it and watch it tomorrow.

Real fans aren't DVR'ing it.

Real fans are hosting an official "Upton Bisby" watch party.

What?! No!

Yep. Yep.

How'd you get that?

I'll tell you how.

$1,500 in pledges to Rocky Mountain PBS over the course of three long, expensive months.

But...

I got this replica Bisby estate satchel!

Oh, man!

Right?

Best part is, it came with an authentic British country manor breakfast.

I got blood pudding.

We got blood butter.

I got blood toast. [Chuckles]

What?

I have a vial of just blood, and to top it all off, [British accent] spot of blood tea to finish the meal.

Proper breakfast, don't you say?

[Chuckles]

So, uh, what time should I come by?

Maybe 8:00? I could stop...

No, no, no.

I do not want any Bisby-come-lately's at this party.

Die-hards only, dude.

Are you kidding? I'm the hardest right now.

Gross.

All right, hot sh*t, Biz quiz.

All right.

In episode 43, "Bisby a Tizzy," what does Lady Gwenevieve name her miscarried son?

Ha! Easy.

[British accent] Wembley, after the stable boy Wembley.

No, no, no, that's a trick question, dummy.

Lady Gwenevieve doesn't have a miscarriage in "Bisby a Tizzy."

Wembley is stillborn.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Okay, I lied.

I'm two episodes behind, but I'll get caught up today, I promise you.

How are you gonna watch two episodes in one school day?

It's eight hours of content.

I don't know. I'll show a movie.

No.

I mean, the kids have really been wanting to see movies.

Floored donut! Yes!

Uh-oh, okay. What do you say?

Election day, election day.

[Chuckles] Happy election day, everybody.

You guys ready to soft-rock the vote?

See, Quinn gets it.

He isn't obsessed with "Upton Bisby."

No, not at all. I'm obsessed with making sure that this polling station runs Smootly. [smoothly]

[Laughs]

Okay, so he... gets it.

Smootly?

But to be quite frank with you guys, I don't have enough volunteers.

I need a few more people to pitch in.

So far, Coach Fairbell's the only one who signed up to help count votes.

In high school, they called me "The Human Calculator."

Mainly 'cause I could only spell the words "hello" and "boobs."

I'll volunteer. I want to make sure that it's a fair election for Teresa Ortega.

And everybody else.

[Chuckling]

Okay, well, that's the spirit right there.

Anybody else want to get involved?

No.

No, we're good, man.

You won't have to teach class if you do it.

I could get caught up on "Bisby."

Last two episodes are incredible.

[Laughing] Yeah, yeah, I'll do it. I'd love to.

Yes, yes, yes.

Okay.

Me, too.

[British accent] For what we fight for today defines our very tomorrow.

Nothing like an authentic British breakfast to set you on the right path. [Chuckles]

Ew.

Lovely day for an election.

[Both chuckle]

Tammy Sherman here to vote.

Let's see here.

Uh, I'm gonna need six forms of identification, please.

Six forms?

[Laughs]

Are you serious?

That's the rule.

Next!

I'm Rod.

Oh, go right on in, Mr. Rod.

Wait a minute. Where's his six forms of I.D.?

I'm sorry, I must have left them buried in the Afghan desert when I was out there protecting your right to vote!

There goes one of our boys.

And as for you... six forms.

♪♪

[Sighs]

Well, I just took a very concerning [bleep]

Okay, we have a lot of work ahead of us.

Right, that's why I think it's best we split up the counting four ways.

Oh, yeah, see, Abbey, Loren and I are kind of working on something different, so why don't you get started without us?

Thanks, guys.

[Chuckling] Okay.

Oh, damn! It's a campaign ad.

I hate this PBS Go app.

But it's Zane. This is my guy, dude. This is my guy.

Hey, Denver.

You know, people think we're pretty cool for legalizing weed, don't they?

Well, I don't, all right?

Like six other cities have done it by now. It's not even that cool.

It's not even that interesting anymore, okay?

But you know what no other city has legalized?

Cocaine!

Br-br-br!

Yes.

You know it as the blow, the yeyo, the booger sugar, the medium dream.

You know all these things. I could keep going.

So I will! Anderson's Cooper.

Nostril parmesan. Quaking soda.

And Powderpuff Girls!

Looks like kind of a one-issue candidate, doesn't he?

Yeah, but the issue is dope as hell.

This is my dude. Zane train.

[Imitates train whistle]

Look, imagine how great the economy's gonna get when we legalize our cocaine!

So vote for me, Zane, and get prepared for some skiing in downtown Denver, 'cause it's about to sno-o-o-o-o-w!

[Sniffs]

Whoo!

I'm Zane, and I approve the [bleep] out of this message.

Cool hot tub. He's got my vote.

You just made a very smart choice.

Thank you.

Abbey: No, that dude is a monster.

That it why it is absolutely vital that Teresa Ortega wins.

Now, we just need to start counting.

And now, "Upton Bisby."

Ooh!

Is this the episode where they break the carriage wheel?

'Tis.

Oh!

One.

Two.

Okay.

Hey, Fairbell.

God, dude!

Shh.

Keep it down, man!

We're trying to watch a TV show.

What are you doing?

Sorry.

God.

[Whispering] Four.

Five.

♪♪

Just a moment, please. You, sir, go right ahead.

Wait a minute. Why does he get to go right on through?

He's democracy pre-checked.

Uh, this is my brother Dunder, and he's from Toronto. And he was wondering what it would feel like to vote as an American.

That's fine.

She said yes!

Here, grabby le pen.

[Scoffs]

Wait a minute, he's not even a citizen!

Okay, but they're having such a good time.

Let's go into the same one.

[Laughs] Yeah, yeah.

Now it's your turn.

You got your six forms of I.D.?

Yep.

Tammy Sherman. Here to vote.

Ah.

Are you related to a Tammy Sheman?

Sherman.

Well, it shows here that a Sheman lives at that address.

[Scoffs] They dropped an "R." Clearly, it's a typo.

If you would like to file a correction, you'll need to fill out this form, take it down to the city and county building room 337.

But that will take forever.

If you want to vote, that's what you'll have to do.

Fine.

You will not suppress me, empty nest.

[Chuckles]Better than that dumb old hockey, right?

[Both laugh]

Let's go buy a snake.

2,804...

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Can you believe that?

That Toff Cadbury's gonna run his family's dairy fortune into the ground.

Well, how 'bout this uppity stable boy Wembley running for the House of Lords?

It's above his station.

You guys want to watch another one?

Let's go ahead and start this one.

Oh, no, no, no. I have to help count.

Oh.

Whatever.

Ah, damn it.

Another campaign... Ooh, this is for Gil Nash.

I like this guy.

Oh, I hate this dude!

[Engine shuts off]

Whew.

They say that Denver's government's in city hall.

Well, that's funny, 'cause I can feel their hands in my pockets from here.

Hi, I'm Gil Nash.

When my great-grandfather, Big Whiskey Chandler, founded Denver, it was a one-horse town.

He turned it into a two-horse town, and I say it's up to us to turn it into a wild stampede.

That's true.

And that's what I've been trying to do, one mixed-use condo at a time.

How do I do it?

By cutting out all that government red tape.

As far as I'm concerned, the only government business is nunya!

As in nunya business, government!

[Laughs] I like him. This guy's clever.

This guy's trying to turn Denver into Houston.

What's with the Wrangler jeans?

That guy is such a hypocrite.

That's why I believe in one tax, period.

I'm Gil Nash, and I paid for this with my own damn money.

Yeah.

Cool tractor. He's got my vote.

Did you hear that? He believes in one tax, period.

Uh, yeah. Period... the menstrual tax.

Well, what do I care if he's gonna tax a bunch of flute-playing pussies?

No, not minstrel, idiot.

He wants to tax a woman's menstrual cycle.

Abbey, to be fair, b*tches do be kind of cray when they raggin'.

That is true.

You know what I mean?

I know that you are trying to project a Colonel Bisby tone right now, but you're being such a Toff Cadbury!

She's doing it right now.

I mean, we should at least be making money off it.

I am not going to stop until Teresa Ortega wins this thing.

And now, Upton Bisby.

Oh!

This is the bed rest episode.

'Tis.

2,821.

2,822.

Fairbell!

God, dude!

Shut up!

For the 100th time, keep it down.

101.

102.

103.

Unh-unh. Not so fast.

I'm back from the city and county building.

Room 337 was closed.

Oh, better luck next year.

Not so fast.

Room 337 was closed.

But room 338 was open, the office where you can legally change your name.

I am now officially known as Tammy Sheman, and I'm ready to [bleep] vote.

Well, congratulations, Miss Sheman, but you're gonna have to come back next election because these polls are [bleep] closed.

♪♪

I can't even believe this.

Why doesn't that colonel put that blasted butler out of his misery?

[Door opens]

Okay, not, uh, trying to peek here, but polling stations have officially closed, so...

No pressure, but how are we doing?

Great. So great.

Great.

Yeah.

Right, Fairbell?

Yeah, I'm almost done.

There you go.

322. 323.

Fairbell, weren't you at almost 3,000?

3,001. 3,002.

Is he just starting his counting from whatever number he heard last?

That's exactly what he's doing.

Watch. 78.

79. 80.

Oh, my God!

See?

D. E.

How did this happen?!

Okay, well, these two were watching "Upton Bisby" while Fairbell and I did all the work!

Oh, that is so Lady Gwenevieve of you, you duplicitous shrew.

I am no Lady Gwenevieve!

I have several months of fertility left!

[Both scoff]

You are not even fit to receive Toff Cadbury's seed.

That's because he's gay, you moron.

He's not gay. That's how people talked back then.

He's flaming gay!

Gentlemen, the election!

Now, I don't know who is responsible for bungling this count, but I...

He is.

Yeah. That's him, Fairbell.

Fair... Fairbell did it.

Yes, well, obviously, it's him, but you are responsible for not preventing him.

So, no one leaves this room until we count these votes.

Whoa!

Quinn, no!

The series finale of "Upton Bisby" starts in less than one hour.

Two. Three.

Just count the votes!

Five.

This is Tammy Sherman, and I'm live streaming to let the world know that Eustace here is suppressing my right to vote.

Ms. Sheman, put the camera down and unlock the doors!

I will not!

Just let me leave!

What do you think, audience? Should I let her leave?

Oh. [Laughs]

I'm so sorry, Cocoon.

The world has spoken. You're not going anywhere!

♪♪

Guys, let me at least help.

Haven't you done enough already?

You want to help?

Get rid of those absentee ballots.

If we have to count all those, we're never gonna finish in time for "Bisby."

What do you want me to do with them?

Flush them down the toilet!

Eat them.

Nobody cares.

Get out of here!

All right.

[Cellphone vibrates]

Oh, great.

My PBS cheese delivery just got left on my doorstep.

Now I'm about to have another duplex porch ruined by a melted-brie incident.

On record, worst day of my life.

Okay, I'm done. Nash has 2,413 votes.

Did you just copy my piece of paper?

No. Why?

Because Zane has 2,413 votes.

2,412, 2413 votes for Ortega!

Oh, my God, it's a tie?

God damn it!

I can't believe this.

All the precincts have reported in and it's dead even.

That means the next mayor of Denver is gonna be decided by the results in this room.

Please tell me you finished counting.

Okay, you're not gonna believe this, but what we have is a...

Time. We have time. We have plenty of time remaining.

We still got to count. So you just do...

Well, hurry up, okay?!

I'm out here k*lling myself.

I'll stall the media.

Okay.

Never touch my lips again!

Try using ChapStick, Abbey.

[Bleep] I don't have to use it because your hands are so greasy.

Okay, think, everybody!

If it's still a tie, that triggers an a*t*matic recount, and Bisby starts in 12 minutes.

Oh, what about the absentee ballots?

Yes.

Yes, that's it!

Oh [bleep] Fairbell!

Fairbell! Fairbell!

Hey, Fairbell, get back here!

Fairbell!

There he is.

Hey, please tell me that you didn't actually flush those ballots down the toilet?

Only about half.

[Abbey sighs]

That's okay.

That's plenty.

Half still works.

We can make half work, right?

The other half wouldn't fit, so I b*rned them up.

[Imitates expl*si*n]

Oh, Fairbell.

What? That's what you wanted!

Damn it. So we're still tied. What do we do now?

Oh, my God, I've been so "Bisby"...

I mean, busy... counting votes that I forgot that I didn't vote.

So, Teresa Ortega for the win!

Well, I haven't voted either.

Me neither.

My vote's for Nash.

Zane train, all the way.

Oh, so it's still a tie!

Damn it.

Yeah, and I haven't voted, either.

♪♪

Well, well, well.

Fairbell, do you realize what this means?

♪♪

No.

Fairbell, your vote is gonna decide the next mayor of Denver.

That's a pretty big deal, right?

So take this ballot, and cast your vote for Gil Nash because he's a Libertarian.

Oh, like Abbey.

No, no, no, she's a librarian.

Libertarians are useful.

I'm losing you.

Okay, you know the movie "Home Alone," right?

[Chuckling]

Yeah! Yeah.

We all love "Home Alone."

Yeah. Yeah.

Great movie.

And what did Kevin do when those dang Italian robbers came over?

What did he do? Huh? Did he call the cops?

No, he put Micro Machines on the floor. Woop!

That's right. He handled it himself.

[Laughs]

And then he ate ice cream and mac and cheese.

Kraft mac and cheese, the good... the best kind.

Kraft mac and cheese, and that's Gil Nash's Denver.

That's all it is.

[Inhales sharply]

Awesome. Look, he's got my vote.

[Chuckles] There it is.

Sold!

Election decided.

No, no, no, Fairbell, you're voting for Teresa Ortega.

No, he's not.

I already said the "Home Alone" guy.

Excuse me. Okay, all right.

How do I explain reproductive rights to you?

Um... okay, okay.

Okay.

Um, let's just say that you're playing a video game that seems fun at the time, but then you get to a level that lasts nine months and sucks all the fun out of your life forever and you're only 16.

I guess I just load an earlier save.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but you forgot to save because you were pretty drunk, and you'll be damned if you let some JV quarterback's video game into the world, you know?

I guess if Teresa Ortega is that into video games...

I can vote for her.

Yes, yes!

That doesn't count.

Wow. Wow, Abbey.

Really very empowering.

Listen, Fairbell.

While Abbey's right to have many, many more abortions is important, if that JV quarterback had had coke [bleep] which is something that Zane thinks we should all have the right to have, she never would have been pregnant in the first place.

Uh, that was a metaphor. That was not...

Yeah, we all know that was you.

Billy: No, that was you. Yeah.

Even I knew.

What?

Loren: Fairbell, you have an opportunity to elect the next mayor of Denver.

Shouldn't you elect the dopest candidate?

[Chuckles] That does sound smart.

Smartest thing you're gonna hear all day.

Take this pen and make the cool choice, friend.

You've all given me a lot to think about.

I'm sorry, I know how painful that is for you.

Okay.

[Sighs]

This is it.

Don't get scared, now.

Hey, privacy please!

Of course!

Sure, sure, sure.

I respect the process!

Yep, yep, yep.

I hope you're ready for that Zane train to pull into town.

It's the sound of the Zane train.

I made my choice.

And without further ado, I'm proud to announce the next mayor of Denver Mr. Loren Payton!

What?

You voted for me?

What?

Yeah, you said whoever I vote for gets to be mayor.

Oh, my God.

He's the coolest guy I know!

Abbey: What?

One condish.

You have to let me ride in Mayor Force One.

That's not how this works, Fairbell.

Look what you did, you little jerk.

You are what the French call les incompetent!

God, Fairbell, you're such a disease.

Grab him. Grab that...

I assure everyone when we get the results of the election, they're gonna be coming soon, okay?

I've got my best team on it.

Get out!

[Screaming]

Keep the change, you filthy animal!

This is my house! I have to defend it.

[Laughs]

Yep, that right there, that was the signal.

I told my team, I said, "When you've got the results, throw the health teacher out of the window into those bushes a-and maybe do a 'Home Alone' quote." [Chuckles]

So, I'm gonna run inside and grab the results.

[Chuckles] Excitement! Okay.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

That's right, folks.

He had a signal to throw a teacher out of a... window or something.

This has been Gloria Guzman for Super Accion Noticies.

Hey, hey, ho ho, Eustace here has got to go!

Hey, hey, ho ho, Tammy Sherman's got to vote!

Let me go!

No.

Tammy, why are the doors locked?

I need your help right now.

No can do, Geoffrey.

I am exercising my right to civil disobedience.

I'm not going anywhere until Maude here stops oppressing me.

Look, Loren and Shoemaker and Abbey have really screwed up, okay?

I might have to actually fire them this time.

Well, you should have led with that, Geoffrey.

[Chuckles] Let's go!

Three minutes, I remind you! Cut these ballots up!

Three minutes.

I'm gonna cut them!

You put that away, I swear to God, I'll cut your face!

Aaaah, what is going on?!

There's a three-way tie, and Fairbell wasted his vote on me.

Well, what about the absentee ballots?

Did you count those?

Yes.

Of course.

The first thing we did was count the absentee...

No, I flushed half of them, and then I b*rned the other half.

They told me to.

Okay, enough!

Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna do a recount.

Oh!

Great!

Now we're not going to be able to watch "Upton Bisby."

Damn it!

I knew it!

Geoffrey: Wait a second, wait.

There is one person who still hasn't voted.

Oh, come on, Quinn.

Another vote for Loren's not gonna do anything.

It's not me.

Tam-Tam, okay?

Who here wants Tam-Tam to vote?

[Chatter]

You dickwads!

Loren: Fine, go ahead.

Billy: Sure. I mean, it makes sense.

Get back there behind that Trapper Keeper, because the fate of Denver is in your hands, Miss Sheman. [Chuckles]

Finally, my voice will be heard.

[Indistinct shouting in distance]

And the Sheman thing was between us!

I'm sorry.

Still no word as chaos and confusion continue to reign here at Smoot.

Wait, someone is emerging.

It's Principal Quinn.

Principal Quinn, do you have the results?

Oh, yeah, I do.

I got them right here, but first, I would just like to say that, uh, everything went Smootly. [smoothly]

[Chuckles]

Man: Spit it out, Quinn!

Oh, yeah, let's get right to it here.

Uh, the next mayor of our great city, the mile-high city, [Chuckles] the prairie p...

Quinn, just announce it!

The next mayor will be...

And now, "Upton Bisby."

♪♪

[British accent] I've got goosepimples.

♪♪

Father-in-law, when will you teach me the ways of the family business?

For the last time, Toff, you're a means to an end and nothing more.

As soon as you and my daughter provide me with an heir, I'll be done with you and your family's sad excuse for a dairy empire.

Perhaps if my father had listened to me, I could have saved the dairy fortune.

For I dream of an egg...

[Scoffs] Enough of this damned egg fantasy, Cadbury.

Presenting Lady Gwenevieve!

Thank you, Gatwick.

Hello, Father.

Dear husband.

Lady Gwenevieve, what are you doing out of bed?

This is the longest any of your pregnancies have lasted.

My precious fetus!

'Tis true, but I regret to tell you about a miscarriage.

A what?

[All gasp]

Oh, thank heavens.

Of justice.

Oh, okay.

Damn.

Our very own stable boy, Wembley, has entered into the election of the House of Lords, but the magistrate has forbidden it.

Wembley in the House of Lords.

Surely you jest.

Gatwick! Gatwick!

Gat... wick!

Aaaah!

Gatwick!

Aaaah!

Fetch me Wembley. Gatwick!

Aah!

Wembley.

Wonblem?

Wembley!

Brandon!

Wembley.

Brandy.

Wembley... fetch me that fool Wembley.

Food from the kitchen!

Not... Wembley!

Wembley!

Wembondy!

Wembley!

Wembley!

Aah!

Stuttering fool, Wembley!

The man with the horses!

Fetch a horse!

Wembley!

The boy I keep in the barn!

He will bring a horse!

No!

Aah!

Wembley!

Wembley!

Yes, Wembley.

Right away! Right away.

Shamble off, monstrosity.

I like that butler. [Chuckles]

Announcing stable boy Wembley!

Thank you, Gatwick.

You wanted to see me, sir?

What is he doing in the house?

He's gonna track mud all over the carpets.

What's this I hear about you running for the House of Lords?

'Tis true, your Lord.

[Chuckles]

The moxie on this one.

Might I borrow your riding crop?

Yes, sir.

Papa, do be civil.

Silence!

Not now, Lady Gwenevieve.

I'll take my lashings.

Gatwick. Gatwick. Gatwick!

Aaah!

Play me something jaunty for this lashing, will you?

Aaah?

Yes, a jaunty tune.

Ehh.

Now, I believe you know the position?

Face down, ass north.

Aah!

Oh!

Whip him.

Aah!

[Groans]

Bastard!

I can't even watch this.

Savage!

[Groans]

Gwenevieve: Have mercy, Papa!

Wembley is the father of my unborn child!

[Gasps]

No.

What?!

What?!

Yes.

Well, it is as they say... wenches be certifiable.

I'm gonna miss this show.

Bring it in, bring it in.

I'm glad we were here together for this.