01x04 - The Not-So-Great Escape

[bunniefuu]

Tommy did it again.

What?

He makes me look at the ceiling, but there's nothing there.

And then he gives me that look.

What look?

That look.

Oh, sure, now he's acting all innocent.

Stephanie, you're crazy.

It's exactly what he wants you to think.

Morning, best friend.

Hi.

Good morning, sister-wife.

I want a sister-wife divorce.

Don't fight it. It's your destiny to spend your life with me.

I'm making the boys a healthy lunch. Want me to make Ramona a turkey wrap?

Oh, thanks, but Ramona loves my cooking.

Seriously? $20? You know, lunch costs, like, $4.

I know, but I feel so guilty about making her change schools.

I'm gonna give her a little dessert.

I'm not sure bribing your kid is the best approach to parenting.

But she likes me so much more when I do.

He's trying to make me look again. I am not looking up.

And now I'm looking up.

And, big surprise, there's nothing up there.

You sneaky little...

Aw... Look at those chubby cheeks!

What is it?

[sighs] I'm exhausted. I was up all night erupting my volcano.

Whoa, dude, TMI.

Mom, please don't make me go to this new school.

I'm so lonely there.

It's worse than the time you left me at the ball pit in McDonald's.

I didn't leave you. I forgot you.

Do I have to go to this new school?

I've been there five whole days and I haven't made a single friend.

Something's wrong with that place.

According to every online personality quiz I've ever taken, I score between "likeable" and "very likeable".

Well, you have at least one friend there, Jackson. You guys are friends, right?

both: Eh...

Kimmy, I have to get to work. You've got Tommy today.

Sorry. Gibbler Style has got a big party to plan.

My client's turning 100 years old.

I suggested we do his party as soon as possible.

Stephanie, you have no life.

Can you watch Tommy today?

I resent that.

Just because I don't have a boyfriend or a job or any money doesn't mean that I...

Okay. Yeah, you know. I'll watch him.

It's Puppy Day! It's Puppy Day!

Whoa, Max, take it easy!

No take it easy! Take it crazy!

Why are you dressed like a boy preacher?

I'm gonna pick out one of Comet Junior Junior's new puppies.

Plus, I like looking snazzy.

I'll catch up with you guys later.

Catch you in class.

Hi, Ramona. What's up?

I'm fake-texting, so I don't look like a loser.

Here comes this girl I kinda like. You should say hi to her.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

girl: Hey.

You know, I thought that went really well.

She barely acknowledged us.

I wanna hang out with my real friends at my real school.

I gotta get out of here.

I can make that happen. I'll bust you right out of here.

Really? That would be awesome!

But this place is like Alcatraz.

How are you gonna get me out?

Don't let this pretty face fool you.

I'm bad to the bone.

Ow! [winces]

You're not even bad to the funny bone.

Morning, Janet.

Morning, Dr. Fuller.

[whoops] Looking snazzy, Maxwell!

That was my plan!

I'd love to chat, but it's puppy time.

Oh, wait.

What dog could resist a baloney cologne?

Holy chalupas! They're adorable!

Okay, I have to get you to school, so pick one.

Hello, puppies. I'm Max.

I'm into oceanography, watermelon Jolly Ranchers, and lucky for you, I drop a lot of food at the dinner table.

Oh, I love that new puppy smell!

Well... everything checked out.

But his cholesterol's a little high.

Get it? 'Cause he's bacon.

Come on, Dad. You don't wanna miss your plane.

Oh...

Hi. You must be Dr. Fuller?

You're little Matty?

Oh, you've improved.

Thank you. The braces came off and my head finally caught up with my ears.

They were floppy. I thought about trimming them like a Doberman.

I do love to have my belly scratched.

[growls]

You two are gonna love working together.

Oh, we are?

Yeah, Matt's gonna help out while I'm on vacation. I told you.

Uh... no, you didn't.

I didn't? I know I told somebody.

You told me, Dad. That's why I'm here.

I look forward to working with you. Maybe I'll let you scratch my belly.

That was supposed to sound cute.

Little cute, little weird.

[Max giggling]

Max, did you pick one? I have to get you to school.

Dr. Fuller, I'm sorry, but I have to go take my dog to the vet.

Why don't you just bring him here?

I can't afford your prices.

Janet, I would give you an employee discount.

What kind of person do you think I am?

I would never take my dog to a discount veterinarian!

[sighs]

Max: I'm not a chew toy!

Cute baby.

Thanks.

He look more like you or your husband?

I'm not married.

I'm Darren.

Nothing sexier than a multi-tasking single mom, leaning in and doing it all.

Yeah, well, that's me, you know. Stephanie, the sexy single mom.

And this is Tommy, the baby that I carried in my stomach for... what is it?

Nine... yes, nine months. Yes.

Yeah, hi, can I get a double-chocolate fudge muffin and a bear claw, a non-fat, no-whip skinny latte?

Alright, that'll be $18.50.

Okay, let's see. Start with the blue one and work your way through the rainbow.

[phone ringing]

Hey, Deej.

D.J.: Hey, I need a favor.

My receptionist flaked on me. Can you come help out? I'll pay you.

I'm kinda busy.

Seven cards later and you're still $4 short.

I'll be right there.

I'm working at Harmon Pet Care around the corner. Maybe I could pay later?

No, you may not.

You made the right decision. I wasn't coming back.

Well, bye, Darren.

Bye, Stephanie. Bye, Tommy.

Why's he always looking at the ceiling?

Right?! Finally! Thank you!

So, am I going through the air ducts? Am I tunneling out? What's the plan?

Listen to me very carefully. When I say "go," you climb out the window.

That's it?

The blinds are pre-raised, the window is pre-opened.

When I execute my diversion, it's go time.

But basically I'm just climbing out the window?

Uh... yeah.

Good morning, class.

[class groaning and sighing]

I can feel your enthusiasm.

Lola, tell us about your science project.

That would be my pleasure, Mr. Gerald.

This is a scale model of the Haleakala volcano, which my mom...

I mean, I... worked on all night.

It's in Hawaii, which is where my mom...

I mean, I went on my honeymoon.

Six drops of that.

[class gasping]

[fire alarm ringing]

[class shrieking]

Remain calm!

But as you're fleeing for your lives, please take notice of how your projects are reacting to the presence of H20!

Careful, careful. Careful.

Hey!

You are in big trouble, Mr. Fuller! I saw you set off that smoke alarm on purpose!

It was an accident! I was practicing chemical reactions, like you taught us!

Whoa!

Look who just got busted! The new kid!

Great escape plan, Jackson.

Except you forgot where everyone lines up during a fire drill.

Right outside this window.

I'm sorry, do I know you?

I can't decide. I need volunteers to drop out.

Just so you know, we don't have a swimming pool, there's lots of stairs, and we're not allowed to watch Game of Thrones.

Whatever that is.

If anybody wants out, raise your paw now.

Help is here!

Oh, good. Hi, Tommy, honey.

Mommy missed you.

Good news, Kimmy's coming to get you.

When do I get paid?

When you do something.

Prepare to be wowed.

Uh, the rest of you prepare to be bow-wowed. And, well...

You prepare to be me-wowed.

Hey, guys. I gotta grab Tommy and run.

I'm triple-parked and I got a tub of mayonnaise, three-dozen oysters and a robot costume in the back seat.

Is that for the birthday party you're planning?

No.

[phone ringing]

Hello? What?

You're kidding?

I'll be right down.

Jackson set off the fire alarm at school. He's been suspended.

[phone ringing]

Gibbler Style, party-planning perfection.

What? Okay.

Ramona got caught sneaking out of school. She was suspended, too.

That's so weird that both of our kids are in trouble.

On the bright side, at least they're finally doing stuff together.

[sighs] Okay, Steph, you're in charge.

Tommy, keep an eye on her.

[sighs]

Hey, Stephanie.

Darren, hi.

Hi. I brought you your coffee, muffin and bear claw.

Aw, wow. Thank you. That is so sweet.

I... I feel like I should give you something.

Ah, like here. Heartworm medication.

I am trying to worm my way into your heart.

This one's out of the running. Sorry, pal.

Aw, look at that face!

Okay, you're back in.

Is this little guy yours, too?

It depends. How do you feel about moms with two kids?

Even sexier than moms with one kid.

Good because he's mine.

Alright, now go pick out your puppy and give your mommy a kiss.

But you're not...

Leaving this room without a puppy.

Okay, and you can go play with your brother right in there.

Okay, perfect.

Now, where were we?

We were about to ask you to dinner.

Well, let me pretend to check my calendar. Oh, look, I'm free!

The best licker wins!

We have a winner!

And if for any reason the winner cannot perform his doggie duties, you... will be contacted.

I said "doggie duties!"

My aunt found a stray pet. Can you take care of it?

Yeah, we're a pet clinic. All pets are welcome.

Except for skunks!

[shouting]

Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no!

Max: Skunk!

Steph: Oh, Max, no!

Hello? Steph...

[sniffing]

Uh-oh!

Stephanie?

Steph: Don't come in here. I'm wrapping a present for you.

D.J.: Oh, my lanta!

What's going on?

More importantly, why did you come in here when I said I was wrapping a present?

You could have ruined the surprise.

How did this happen?

We were victims of a drive-by skunking!

Google said tomato soup would get the smell out. Are you mad?

No. This is gonna look hilarious on my Facebook page.

Say cheese!

[giggling]

Hey, kids.

Hey, Mom. This is my new friend, Lola.

Nice to meet you, Lola.

Your daughter's so cool.

Security guards walked her to the principal in front of the whole school.

I couldn't be prouder.

Hey, Lola.

You're the kid that ruined my volcano.

Now my mom has to make a whole new one.

I'll see you in school in three days.

You'll sit at our lunch table.

We sit right next to the future millionaires of Silicon Valley.

We used to call them geeks, but that was before the self-esteem assembly.

Hugs!

Bye.

Bye.

Can you believe it, Mom? I actually made some friends.

And I'm out of school for the next three days!

See, I told you things would get better!

Didn't I say no video games?

I just needed something to do while waiting for my punishment.

Well, the wait is over.

Here's a list of chores you'll be doing while you're suspended.

"Mow the lawn, rake the leaves, sync your mother's iPhone to her iPad."

I can never figure out how to do that.

We need to talk about your punishment.

How about if I take you to your old school and you can say hi to your old friends?

That sounds fair.

On the way home, can we get mani-pedis?

No. We'll get them on the way there, so your friends can see your gorgeous nails.

Mom, are you watching this?

This is so unfair!

It is.

You don't... reward bad behavior with a spa day.

Ramona can think about what she did wrong while the manicurist pushes back her cuticles.

That can really hurt.

Come with me.

Drop it, Jackson.

I don't wanna fight in front of the kids, but I do wanna fight.

Because your bad parenting is undermining my good parenting.

You're just jealous 'cause my kid likes me.

Kimmy, you're supposed to be their parent, not their BFF.

Jackson's upset and I don't blame him because Ramona is getting rewarded for ditching school!

I know.

But I can't punish her now.

She's been through so much, between Fernando and me separating and leaving her home and changing schools.

And all of it's my fault.

I just want Ramona to be happy.

But she will be happy.

And she'll be happier with a parent who sets rules and limits and boundaries.

But what if she gets mad at me?

She'll get over it.

You can do this.

And by the way, this finger... it's 90% of parenting.

My perfect, sweet, precious Ramona...

I'm canceling spa day tomorrow.

Instead, you're gonna help Jackson with his chores.

Ah, nice! Now we're talking!

You can have 16 through 44.

Mom, you can't be serious?

I'm serious.

I love you, but you need rules and lemons and boundaries.

Not "lemons," limits.

Oh! That makes more sense.

Thanks, D.J.

Don't blame D.J. It was my decision to punish you.

[whispers] After D.J. told me to.

I think we can all agree that both of you being punished is fair.

If we're really being fair, you should know that Jackson only set off the alarm to help me escape.

Is that true, Jackson?

Yeah. I felt bad for Ramona, so I came to her rescue.

Setting off a dangerous expl*si*n without any regard for my own safety.

Or anyone else's.

Like a true American hero.

I salute your patriotism, but you're still punished.

But maybe a little less.

So, you're not mad at me?

I'm not thrilled with you, but...

I get it.

Hugs?

Come here, Mom.

After you've done your time, we'll go visit your old friends.

Is that okay?

Okay, everybody, I'd like to introduce the newest member of the family, Cosmo T.D. Fuller.

"T.D." stands for "the dog".

Hi, Cosmo.

[doorbell ringing]

That's my date. Don't wait up.

Hi!

Hey, Steph.

Everyone, this is Darren.

all: Hey!

More kids.

Yeah... yeah. That's Jackson and Ramona, the twins.

You know Max. And of course my housekeeper and my au pair.

Kids, Mommy says homework and to bed.

Au pair, have them brush their teeth before bed and housekeeper, just stay out of the liquor cabinet.

Bye, kids.

Bye, Mommy.