01x05 - Mad Max

[bunniefuu]

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

[plays trombone tunelessly]

♪ And on this farm he had a duck ♪

[plays trombone tunelessly]

♪ With a... here and a... there ♪

♪ Here a... there a... everywhere a... ♪

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

[plays trombone tunelessly]

Yeah!

Were my quacks quacky enough?

Are you kidding? I could have sworn there was a duck hiding in this room.

You'll rock your school recital tonight.

I know I look like I got it going on, but deep down, I'm a wreck.

Don't worry about it. You're not gonna quack under the pressure.

How could you make a joke?

This is "Old MacDonald," man.

It could make or break second grade.

[sighs] Okay, Max.

I was keeping this a secret in case you absolutely needed it.

But this is my super-magic scarf.

The first time I deejayed in a real club, I was terrified, until I put this bad boy on.

Then what happened?

I got super brave.

I did a k*ller set and I got a standing ovation.

The crowd was already standing, but had they been sitting, they'd have stood up.

And now I bestow it upon you.

[sings] Ta-da!

Are you feeling it?

I think I am.

Alright, blow that horn, cat.

[plays trombone tunelessly]

Wow! That was... just like before, but braver.

I know!

This thing really is super-magic.

But you'd better keep it safe till I need it. Thanks, Aunt Stephanie.

Anything for you, Mighty Max.

Just so you know, if any of my clothes turn out to be magic, they're all yours.

Deal.

As I predicted, I am walking, house-training and cleaning up after Max's dog.

Aw, you're lucky you're so cute!

Huh?

Oh! You've got lipstick on you!

Well, you're a Retriever, Cosmo. Go retrieve!

Congratulations, D.J.

I put your dating profile online a half hour ago and you already have 32 pokes, 24 winks and a love letter from a guy in San Quentin.

He wants a date in three to five years.

I told you, I'm not interested in online dating.

Steve asked me out and if I'm not ready to date my first love, why would I go out with a total stranger?

You know my motto: the stranger, the better.

Oh, hey! You're getting a lot of action here on glutenfreesoccermoms.com.

What did you write on my profile? Wha...?

I'm a neurosurgeon who's also a Victoria's Secret model?

Sorry, but when you go fishing, you want the smartest, most scantily-clad bait.

And that's my yearbook photo... with big photo-shopped knockers.

Actually, those are Channing Tatum's butt cheeks.

That's why they look so squeezable.

[doorbell ringing]

Can somebody get the door? I'm trying to feed Tommy!

Do you like these carrots or not?

Just give me a sign. A hint.

You have a visitor. [whispers] She's English and she's hot.

You are an observant young man.

Oh, my God, Shannon! What are you doing here?

I came to rescue you. I saw your Facebook page.

I mean, diaper changes, baby baths.

And you in some horrible pizza restaurant infested with guitar-playing rodents?

That's Chuck-E-Cheese.

Darling, the name is irrelevant.

The point is this is obviously a cry for help.

Look, I'm just here for my sister.

I help take care of the kids, I do a little light housekeeping, part-time cooking, drive carpools.

What has happened to my life?

Come with me to Coachella.

I've got two seats on some dude's private jet.

He's the guy that invented the emoji that looks like this...

No way! I use... this all the time.

And I would love to, but I can't. It's Mommy and Me Face-Painting Day.

You wanna come?

Okay. Um, this is a cult, isn't it?

If they're holding you here against your will, blink three times.

It's not a cult.

It's a family, you know, where you wind up five times a day in a group hug.

Oh, my God, I'm in a cult.

Let's go. The limo is waiting and that champagne is not gonna drink itself!

Okay, there's laundry in the washer, Mommy and Me class starts at two and don't forget Tommy gets his bottle at six.

I know.

On account of I'm his mother.

I'm not leaving you in the lurch, am I?

No, don't worry. We've got you covered.

I wish I was going with you. Coachella...

[whoops]

What, nobody "woot-woots" anymore?

Put the roof down.

Just so I know, when will you be home?

Like, Monday or Tuesday?

What if you meet a hot guy that's got a yacht docked in St. Tropez?

Mm... Good point. Maybe Wednesday.

Hey! Did you know there's a limo outside with champagne?

And coconut shrimp and mixed nuts and free ice.

Dear God, you're living with gypsies.

Bye! See you next week.

Bye!

Let me just take that.

Joke's on her. I had my feet in that ice.

Yeah, I have to get to the pet clinic.

I have Max's recital and now I have Tommy. Kimmy, can you watch the baby?

I've got a meeting, but Ramona can watch him.

Yeah, I'd love to help out. Tommy's adorable.

Oh! Well, I wanna pay you.

Now he's even more adorable.

We take credit, debit or PayPal.

I'm not prepaying, Kimmy.

You get double miles.

Do you know where Aunt Stephanie is?

She's out of town.

What?!

She has my super-magic scarf! My recital is tonight!

I'm about to freak out!

[shrieks]

Max, Max, Max, Max!

Take a deep breath.

Now let it out slowly.

You feel better now, right?

That did nothing.

Status update: I'm doomed.

Max, Max, listen to your big brother.

Whenever you're nervous on stage, just picture the audience in their underwear.

Are you nuts?

Hit the lights on your way out!

Trust me, it works.

When I ran for class treasurer, I had to make a speech in front of the whole entire school.

But you lost.

Yeah, that's because I was imagining all the girls in their underwear.

And then I forgot my whole speech.

Hola, shalom, howdy-do and welcome to Ramona's World, my vlog exploring the world of Ramona, with your host, Ramona!

Today, I'm babysitting my little buddy Tommy.

Say hi to the Internet, Tommy.

Hi!

So, if you're thinking about babysitting... first, you'll need a baby.

Second, parents with money.

And third...

Well, I guess that's all you really need.

Uh-oh.

My cohost is experiencing technical difficulties.

In his pants.

This will just take one second.

Here.

[Tommy grizzles]

It's okay, it's okay.

First tip of diaper changing, never breathe through your nose.

Second tip, do not look directly at what you're doing.

[water sloshes]

[toilet flushes]

By the way, this is a great time to use up that bottle of J-Lo perfume your grandma got you for Christmas.

[water bubbling]

Um...

Maybe we shouldn't have flushed that.

We were never here and you never saw this.

[Max hums]

[Max plays trombone]

[hums]

[plays tunelessly]

Hey, Max, here's a crazy question.

Why is Cosmo wearing your underpants?

Jackson told me to.

Well, then... carry on.

[barks]

[plays tunelessly]

Tyler, congratulations on passing the pre-screening.

You have now advanced to a pre-date meeting to see if you and D.J. click.

I'm so nervous.

I've never met a neurosurgeon slash Victoria's Secret Angel.

I'm sure she's gonna be just as nervous meeting a Navy SEAL slash bestselling romance novelist.

Yeah, we probably shouldn't talk about work.

Before I introduce you two, I noticed on your profile, you said you weighed 200.

Seems a little closer to 207.

How did you know that?

I used to guess people's weight at the carnival.

That must have been an interesting job.

I didn't work there. I just like picking up guys.

Okay, I'm gonna go find D.J.

My toilet is still clogged and you said the plumber would be here two hours ago.

Just tell me the truth. Is he coming?

Or is this like the cable TV guy where I wait from ten to four and then he shows up at midnight?

Never mind. He's here.

Thank goodness you made it.

Kimmy let me in. I'm Tyler. You're D.J., right?

Yeah. So are you ready to get started?

Get started? I guess so.

Great. Let's get upstairs.

Upstairs? You don't wanna talk a little first?

I don't need conversation. I just need a man to get to work on my pipes.

Whoa!

You don't waste any time.

Well, I wish I could do it myself.

Unfortunately, I need help.

Wow! This is going really well.

I need to get to my son's recital, so how long is this gonna take?

I can be in and out in 15 minutes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why are you taking your shirt off?

You brought me into the bathroom. I figured you wanted to start in the shower.

No, I wanna get started on the toilet.

Okay, your house, your rules.

What kind of plumber are you?

Oh...

I get it.

I'm a naughty plumber... and you are the lonely neurosurgeon, huh?

D.J., the plumber's here.

He's here.

I'm the plumber.

You're not a plumber?

I'm a naughty plumber.

That's Tyler. I found him for you on a dating site.

He's a Navy SEAL and he writes those romance books you buy at the supermarket.

Okay, somebody, just fix my toilet!

And when I say "toilet," I mean the toilet.

If you girls are into plumbers, check me out on plumbersmingle.com.

So what are you, about 250?

You're getting sleepy.

Go back to your earliest memory.

For you, that might be when I said, "Go back to your earliest memory."

Why are you hypnotizing Tommy?

To get him to nap. Nothing is working.

Hypnosis isn't real.

Remember that magician at the party who tried to hypnotize me? It didn't work.

Houseboat.

[clucks like a chicken]

Boxcar.

Forget hypnotizing Tommy.

It's a waste of time.

[dance music playing]

It is going off in the VIP bathroom.

I just helped Iggy Azalea find her contact lens.

She was so grateful, she gave me a hair extension.

Aren't you glad I rescued you?

Yes!

Ah! And look at this, my party timing's back!

Okay, so great news. DJ Unbreakable went crowdsurfing and got dropped.

He fractured his arm.

DJ Unbreakable... broke?

Yes, and now they need you on the main stage right now.

Are you kidding?

I'm not kidding!

She's not kidding.

Oh, my God! This is amazing!

Ah! Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry!

Here, have a crab leg. There.

[both shriek]

[violin playing]

You're up next, buddy. Jackson and I will be cheering you on.

No, you won't. I'm not going out there, Mom.

I need my super-magic scarf, but Aunt Stephanie took it.

She took your super-magic scarf?

What happened to the underwear trick?

It didn't work.

My puppy was cute, but that crowd is full of wrinkly old people.

Ugh!

You're right. That's a lot of granny panties.

[dance music playing]

[phone ringing]

Deej, what's going on? I'm kinda busy. Is everything okay?

No, it's not. You took Max's super-magic scarf.

What magic scarf?

The one you're wearing?

Ugh! I'm an idiot! Put him on.

It's Max. Remember me?

Oh, Max, I'm so sorry.

But lucky for you, I can transfer the magical powers of the super-magic scarf through this phone.

Okay, just touch the screen and say, "I believe." Ready?

What do you think, I'm in preschool?

Everybody knows you can't transfer magic over WiFi.

Okay, Max, the truth is you don't need the scarf.

Play that song now and I'll prove it.

I'll try, but just so you know, I'm very skeptical.

[music stops]

Okay, what's up, party people?

I've got a special guest coming live from Harvey Milk Elementary, Mr. Mighty Max Fuller!

[whoops]

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

[plays trombone tunelessly]

♪ And on this farm he had a duck ♪

[plays trombone tunelessly]

♪ With a... here and a... there ♪

♪ Here a... there a... everywhere a... ♪

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

[plays trombone tunelessly]

Oh, come on, you jaded ravers! He's a little kid!

[whoops]

DJ Tanner, yeah, you rock!

[whoops]

Come on, everybody give it up for Max!

all chant: Max, Max, Max, Max!

Max, you just played Coachella.

Thousands of people are chanting your name.

Holy chalupas!

Max, if you can play Coachella, you can certainly play a second-grade recital.

Go knock 'em dead, Max.

Thanks, Aunt Stephanie. We're still friends.

crowd chanting: Max, Max, Max!

[music resumes]

[crowd cheering]

[Max playing trombone tunelessly]

[shrieking and cheering]

Oh, wow! Now that was fun!

Emoji guy loved your barnyard samples. Apparently, he grew up on a farm!

He's flying us all to Lake Como. It's Clooney's birthday. Let's get on that jet!

I'm... I'm so in!

Ooh!

We can bring two carry-ons, right?

What are you doing?

I wanna see how Max's recital went.

No, I pulled you out of that cult. You're back with your own people now.

[shrieking and whooping]

Hi, Tommy.

Mommy missed you. Yes, I did.

Yes, I did. I missed you.

Ramona?

Huh? What?

Oh, no! Tommy's gone!

He's right here.

[sighs]

Hey, we had some plumbing problems today. Know anything about that?

Well, I might know something.

See, the truth is...

Tommy flushed his diaper down the toilet.

Did he now?

Well, that was very poor judgment, Tommy.

I hope you learned your lesson.

Oh, I think he did. He looks really sorry.

Well, no more jumping off your changing table, strolling across the floor, slam-dunking your diaper in the toilet and vaulting up to the flusher.

Well, I'm off for coffee with Hank.

He's not just a plumber.

He's also an investment banker slash UFC Heavyweight Champion.

I think you're gonna break a record tonight and sleep five hours in a row.

Hey, Deej.

Hey! What are you doing back so soon?

Your text said you were going to Italy.

I was.

I don't know, I got on the plane and everybody was drunk and stupid.

Maybe I've just outgrown that whole party scene.

You should have seen the emoji guy's face when I told him to turn his plane around.

Something like this...

[hisses]

Hold on. You passed up Italy?

I haven't used my passport in ten years, and that was just to renew my passport.

I just got to thinking about everything I'd be missing here.

I missed Max's first recital and Jackson's gonna start dating soon.

No, he's not.

I definitely don't wanna miss Tommy's first words: "I love you, Aunt Stephanie."

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

I can't believe I'm saying it, but these kids, they've really snuck into my heart.

Ooh... Look who's getting sucked into the vortex of motherhood!

Yeah.

Hey, Steph, you alright?

I'm fine.

No, you're not. What's wrong?

I really don't wanna talk about it.

Hey, whatever it is, you can tell me.

I can't have children.

Oh, Stephanie.

Are you alright?

I'm okay.

You know, I just found out a while ago. It's just not gonna happen for me.

Why didn't you tell me?

I was in England and you had just lost your husband.

You had enough going on.

And I wasn't really thinking about starting a family then anyway.

But then I moved in here and I really got to know your kids, and feel what it was like to have a family of your own...

Things changed.

[sighs] I'm so sorry.

Aw, this breaks my heart.

But you should know that my kids are your kids.

And we appreciate everything that you do. We love you.

Not that I'm counting, but that was our fourth hug in a minute.

I can't help it. I'm turning into Dad.

Stephanie!

Hi! Hello, hello!

Why are you crying?

Gosh, I'm just really sad that I missed your first recital.

Well, cheer up. Mom has it on her phone.

You can watch it over and over and over again.

Good. I love you guys.

Come on, bring it in.

Just in time!

How was coffee with the plumber?

Oh, it was great.

Hank lives on the water in Sausalito, in a cute little...

What do you call it?

Houseboat?

[clucks like a chicken]

Boxcar.

Good night, everybody.