01x03 - The Real Lent

[bunniefuu]

Kenny: Holidays in our family were a little unique, mostly because my mom was able to insert Jesus into all of them. Anyone could do it for Christmas and Easter, but my mom really had game.

You know what's even brighter than those sparklers?

The light of Christ.

But St. Patrick's Day was different because it was all about fun. And the center of our fun was The O'Neal family float in our neighborhood St. Patrick's Day parade.

Pat: Hey, guys, come on! Ha-ha!

Here she is!

Beautiful!

Is it?

Well, I think last year we literally rode her hard and put her away wet.

Yeah, she could use some sprucing up.

And this year, in light of recent events, I think we'll ditch the rainbow.

Okay, hurtful.

But I'll never turn down a trip to Felicia's Fabrics.

Guys, look what I found!

It's our St. Paddy's Day costumes!

Oh!

My little leprechaun.

Great.

I'd pop that in the microwave before you try it on 'cause I think that's black mold.

♪ ♪

Is it just me, or is puffy paint getting less and less puffy every year?

No, it's not just you.

I mean, at what point is it just paint?

Hi, there.

Do you know that the bows you just bought were made by small Cambodian children?

Well, when you do something a thousand times a day, you get pretty good at it.

Mom! I... I'm sorry.

My mother doesn't like to be confronted in parking lots.

It'll only take a minute.

I... I'm seeking signatures for a petition to end child labor.

Oh, of course.

I love labor and I hate children.

What? No, no, no, I'm sorry.

The opposite.

Ricky: Okay.

No, you can't sign that.

You're not old enough to... Vote or sign things.

I'll do it.

How old are you?

Uh, I'm... I'm 16.

17. Hi, I'm Ricky.

I'm Kenny.

At that moment, I hated my name. It sounded like the name a baby.

Or Kenneth.

Sometimes people call me Kenneth.

Saved it! Whew! Look at me. I'm flirting with a guy, and I am crushing it.

Come on, Kenneth. It's time for your bath.

No!

She's crazy.

[Both chuckle]

I haven't taken a bath since I was 3.

Or, you know, unless my muscles are sore from working out.

Okay, gotta go. [Chuckles]

Oh, Jimmy, this guy was so cute.

But I couldn't tell if he was flirting, or even gay.

I assumed I'd be able to tell if another guy was gay.

The way vampires know.

Sure.

There is a way to find out.

Well, this is the advice I need.

You just walk up to him and you say, "You gay, bro?"

No, this is not the advice I need.

Advice about what?

Vampires.

Uh-huh.

Family meeting.

I'm sorry.

It occurs to me that with all the hubbub and excitement about St. Patrick's Day that we've gotten distracted from what's really important about this time of year... lent.

[All groan]

She finally did it. She managed to bring Jesus into St. Patrick's Day.

Seriously, I have to work on St. Patrick's Day, too?

I was supposed to go to sandals with Buddha and Vishnu.

Sorry.

Lent is the time of year when we are supposed to atone for our sins.

This family's got plenty to atone for.

We all gave up stuff already.

Yeah, I gave up girls.

I gave up novel-reading.

I gave up crossfit.

I gave up a Zac Efron movie in which he plays a deejay.

None of these things are real.

Oh, I thought so, too, but I saw the trailer.

It's real.

We should be giving up things that are keeping us from being better people.

So, Jimmy, you need to give up your long "showers."

Everyone knows what you're doing in there.

What? I'm not...

I don't... what... [Chuckles]

I... I... it takes a long time for me to shampoo my hair, Mom.

Fine. No long showers.

Shannon, you're giving up your phone.

Shannon.

Shannon!

I gave up crossfit.

Pat, I need you to give up calling me every time there's something you can't figure out in the basement.

When have I done that?

Just this morning.

But I couldn't figure out how to turn off the dryer.

It just stops.

How?

It just does.

But how?

It just does.

But...

Kenny, I'd like it if you gave up being so sneaky and keeping so many secrets.

I don't...

I heard you and Jimmy talking earlier, and I know it wasn't about vampires.

[Sighs] Fine.

But if we all have to give up stuff for lent, I think you should have to give up something, too.

Of course.

Okay, well, I think you should...

Give up being judgmental.

That's a dumb idea.

Yes!

Please!

Amen!

The people have spoken.

[Pat laughs]

Shannon, come on. Get down here.

You got to try on your costume so we know if it still fits.

I was thinking maybe we don't do it this year.

Shannon...

My leprechaun hunter outfit would look a little idiotic without a leprechaun to hunt.

[Irish accent] Time for shenanigans!

Dad, it always looked idiotic because that's not a thing.

Yes, it is. It's out thing.

But as I get bigger, both the costume and my dignity shrink.

Face it... I'm getting too old for this.

You'll always be my little leprechaun.

I feel like you're about to get really sentimental, so I'm gonna go listen from the bathroom.

Come on.

You know the people at the parade always love watching me chase but never quite catch you.

Dad?

Yeah, kiddo?

Not totally sure how to say this.

That's what the candle's for, honey.

Light a match.

No, I just got my period.

♪ ♪

Dad?

Uh, should I go up to your room and get your tool kit?

I... I don't have anything. This is my first one.

We need to go to the drugstore.

You know, your mom told me not to come to her with any more questions, but I think this is just a little more complicated than the dryer, so I'm gonna go get her, okay?

No!

Oh, honey, I am sure that she's got some things she wants to tell you.

I've already heard them all.

Did you get it yet?

When you do, don't get pregnant.

When you do, don't get pregnant.

When you do, don't get pregnant.

Please, Dad, let's just keep this between us.

Uh...

You're right. I can do this.

Why would I need your mother's guidance during your terrifying transition into womanhood?

Hey! Hey! Huh? Huh?

I used all the stuff you bought.

And I was thinking that we turn the rainbow into beer flowing into a pot of gold, or gold pouring into a pot of beer.

I haven't decided yet, so...

You know what? We've been doing this all wrong.

All of this has to change.

What? Wha-what... no, why?

Because it's lent.

People shouldn't be thinking about green beer and tiny hooligans.

They should be thinking about their immortal souls and what's gonna happen to them if they don't get right with god.

Remember Grandma's picture book full of the tortured and bleeding saints that used to give you nightmares?

Start there.

How do you casually run into someone twice in the same day without seeming like a stalker?

♪ I've been wasting all my time on you ♪
♪ Should I be on my way? ♪
♪ Eliminate the games we play ♪
♪ Should I be on my way back home? ♪
♪ I want you to know that I want you ♪
♪ you know that ♪
♪ I want you to know that I want you ♪
♪ You know that ♪, I don't know if you're aware of what's...

♪ I want you to know that I want you ♪

[Tires screech, horn honks]

Whoa! Whoa! Careful!

Oh, god!

Ricky!

Kenny!

Yeah!

Yeah.

Um, I'm pretty sure this is how J.Lo and Matthew McConaughey met in "The Wedding Planner."

What? Is that a movie?

Oh, "Is that a movie?" He says.

[Chuckles]

Okay, this is a little awkward, but I can save it.

You gay, bro?

I am... Bro.

I'm sorry.

That is not how I wanted to say that.

It's okay.

And you really outed yourself with the whole "Wedding Planner" thing.

It's such a bad movie, but I love it so much.

Want to hang out later?

Yes. Yeah.

Um, I... I would like that.

Okay.

And look at that. I thought this was going to be hard, but it turns out ning up a date is easy.

Don't I need your number or something?

Yeah. No, yeah, definitely you do.

All right, not that easy.

[Chuckles]

What did Mom say about showers?!

I just needed a band-aid, okay?

I've got a million splinters from reworking that float!

Using my hands for other things has been very dangerous.

Okay, what do you think?

I'm hoping this says I'm edgy, confident, but also like to cuddle.

It kind of smells like Grandpa.

What do I know? It's got a boat on the bottle.

I've never done this before. I'm kind of freaking out.

You've been on dates before.

With Mimi, and she was into me no matter what.

I mean, we'd just be, like, playing cards, and then, you know, before you knew it, her shirt was open...

I want you to stop!

And now I want you to keep going.

I'm so sorry. That was thoughtless.

I just... I need a pep talk.

You're gonna do great, okay?

The only thing I am confused about is who pays on a guy-guy date?

Oh, yeah. I don't know that, either.

Right?

And if you were lesbians, does that mean nobody would pay?

[Door opens]

No, that doesn't sound right.

What's going on?

Smells like the Yankee Candle Company.

That sounds judgmental.

I like each candle separately, but all together, it's an as*ault on the senses.

That's not judgmental. That's just a fact.

Speaking of lenten vows, is there something you'd like to tell me, Mr. Button-Down Shirt?

I'm going to confession.

Confession?

When's the last time you did that?

I want to get serious about atoning.

Interesting.

Well, you know, I'm gonna see Father Phil tomorrow at the parade, so I'll just ask him about it.

Just a reminder. C... confession is confidential.

So even if I k*ll someone, he can't tell you.

Mm. That's true.

And you just remember... god is always watching.

No!

I just wanted to hear it, Mom.

Okay, what do we got?

Oh, a lot of options, huh? [Chuckles]

We've got pearls, wings, flex foam.

Hmm, what feels lucky?

Early-onset menopause. That feels pretty lucky.

Let's read the back.

"Toxic shock." Nope.

Excuse me, sir.

Yeah?

My daughter here is experiencing her first period, and I'm helping her out all on my own.

Uh, these are the ones my daughter used.

She loved them.

Yeah? He likes these.

Oh, my god.

You're being a good dad.

She's not a little girl anymore.

Before you know it, she's off to college.

There's so much I haven't taught her yet.

Shannon, you're a woman now.

I'll be waiting for you in the trunk of the car.

Little girl's growing up.

You got to give her the tools she needs to leave you and survive in the real world, before it's too late.

Wow.

Two vegan raw apple pies.

Ricky: Thanks.

Enjoy.

[Gulps] Ugh.

Whoever called this apple pie is a liar. It's like someone sneezed in my mouth.

Um, so, your parents... they're... they're cool with you being gay and vegan and getting petitions signed in parking lots?

Yeah, my parents live in a tree.

Yours?

House.

Hmm.

And my mom... she's not really cool with anything.

She doesn't know I'm on this date.

This is actually my first date with a guy.

Mm.

Am I going overboard?

I wouldn't know 'cause it's my first time going overboard on a date with a guy.

I think if you tell the waitress, she'll give you a free artichoke.

[Both laugh]

Oh, my god. My first gay date was everything I imagined it would be... And more.

♪ I can't feel my face when I'm with you ♪
♪ I can't feel my face ♪
♪ But I love it ♪
♪ But I love it ♪
♪ But I love it ♪
♪ I tell you I love it ♪
♪ Oh, I can't feel my face when I'm with you ♪
♪ But I love it ♪
♪ You know I love it ♪
♪ But I love it ♪
♪ Oh, I love it ♪
♪ Oh, hey ♪

Sorry.

I never thought being vegan could be this much fun.

Okay, now, twist and flip. Go.

Ohh! Ugh!

Oh, my gosh!

All right.

Now you know how to disarm an attacker, okay?

Next lesson... never put your drink down in public.

Why not?

You put your drink down, some guy's gonna put something in it, and... boom... you're dead in a ditch.

Why are you doing this?

Because I have to because you were right.

Leprechaun costumes are for little girls.

You're a woman now, so I have to teach you some adult things, like choke holds and how to change a tire.

I can't even drive yet.

Well, women who can't change tires get stranded, and... boom... dead in a ditch.

Dad!

Well, I have to teach you this stuff.

Not all in one day.

We went from leprechaun costumes to dead in a ditch in like 10 seconds.

If I wanted it to be weird, I would have told Mom about my menses.

Well, now you've made it weird.

Jimmy, the date was perfect!

So, who paid?

Um, he did, but I pulled out his chair.

So he's the chick.

Did you hear from him?

Yes. We talked, and we're meeting again tomorrow.

Tom... no, not tom... tomorrow's the parade.

Mom's gonna flip out if you don't ride in the float with the rest of us.

This is a huge deal. I'm finally dating.

She needs to understand that.

So you told her?

Oh, god, no.

No, she needs to understand that without ever finding out that it happened.

Why are you eating ice?

I'm in crisis, dude.

Jessica Newman is having a slumber party next door.

[Laughter, dance music plays]

[Laughs] A pillow fight?

That's a little on-the-nose, don't you think?

What else are they gonna do? Like, braid each other's hair?

Yes! Yes!

They literally did that right before the pillow fight!

But I'm not... I'm not gonna take a shower, though, 'cause I... I made a promise to god.

So I'm gonna... I'm gonna keep working on the float.

Now they're shaving each other's legs?

Girls are so weird.

[Laughter continues]

Eileen: Top 'o the mornin', O'Neals!

Put your green sweaters on!

We've got a float to ride!

Kenny?

[Knock on door]

What are you doing?

What's in that closet?

Not me anymore. [Chuckles]

I thought we weren't keeping secrets anymore.

We're not.

[Chuckling] Let's go!

What are you doing with all this yarn?

Nothing.

Really?

Because it looks like you're using it to knit a web of lies.

You went back to the craft store, didn't you?

Fine.

I went on a date with the guy from the parking lot, and I'm seeing him again today.

The guy from the parking lot.

[Chuckles]

What mother doesn't dream of this day?

You lied to me, and you broke your pledge to stop keeping secrets.

Come on!

The only reason that you went all lent crazy was because you saw Ricky and I flirting.

[Scoffs]

I mean, what you really want me to give up for lent is being gay.

It's only 40 days.

Doesn't matter! I am gay all the time... lent, St. Patrick's Day... Halloween for gays... that's like our... that's like our... our big football ti... day.

The Super Bowl?

I would have gotten it eventually!

[Sighs]

[Door closes]

Here you go.

What's this? A taser? A retirement plan?

That is your period tool kit.

It's got ibuprofen, a little chocolate.

I read a "Cathy" comic strip that said chocolate helps.

And a drugstore gift card because you should be in charge of your own feminine...

Wingy things.

Okay?

[Sighs]

Oh, good. There you are. We're down one for the parade.

Kenny's not coming. Don't ask.

Where's Shannon?

Eh, she's not feeling too great.

I think she's gonna stay home.

What's the matter with her?

Well, uh, she told me not to tell you this, but she got her period.

She didn't want to tell me?

But I'm her mother!

I know. And don't worry. I handled it.

And it did happen in my basement, and you said to handle things down there.

Yeah, but not when it's our daughter's "down there."

I can't believe she didn't come to me.

[Sighs]

Did you stress how important it is for her not to get pregnant?

That's why she won't come to you... because you can be a little bit...

♪ ♪

Terrifying.

[Clatter]

Check it out.

I added the screams of the damned.

[Screaming, evil laughter]

What is this?

How does this fit into a St. Patrick's Day parade?

It doesn't.

Do you like it, Mom?

I asked Jimmy to steer it more towards lent and what will happen if people don't get right with god.

Oh, for the love of...

Well, that's a lot to ask of a float, Eileen.

I-it's terrifying and judgmental, which is exactly what you asked for.

I wanted it to be more serious because I thought that's what we needed, but now Shannon won't talk to me about woman things, Kenny's sneaking around on gay dates.

Everything's going to hell.

[Screaming, evil laughter]

Ohh!

It slipped. I don't...

I'm surprised you wanted to come back here.

You didn't seem like you liked the food that much last time.

[Scoffs] Are you kidding? This is our place.

This is where I learned that you can't eat most of an artichoke.

Well, I'm glad we're here. [Chuckles]

Oh, hey, did you get that list of personal questions I e-mailed you last night?

Not all of them. My printer ran out of paper.

So I thought maybe we could just talk.

Oh, bummer.

Okay, so that probably means that you didn't get the last page about the tickets I found for us to lollapalooza.

At's like five months away.

Six, actually, but I looked at the map, and if we walk real fast, we can make it to Lana del rey and bloc party.

Look, you're new at this, and... and you're excited, which is a good thing, but I'm in a different place than you.

And... Like, I... I was hoping it was just first-date jitters, but I'm realizing that, you know, you need to date someone who's more where you are.

Ricky kept talking and explaining all the reasons for his decision, but I'd heard everything I needed to hear. I'd had my first date and my first rejection. [Sighs] I just needed a classy exit line.

I've got to pee so bad I can taste it.

[People cheering]

Why are you sitting out here?

It doesn't seem like The O'Neals are gonna make the parade this year.

Did you have a good time with your parking-lot gentleman?

That was... that was kind of a bust, too.

Does that mean you tried it and it didn't work out and now you're gonna go back to the other thing?

That's not how it works.

Do you want to talk about it?

No.

Well, would you want to talk about it if I promise to try really, really hard not to be judgmental?

And not just because it's lent... because I really want you to be able to talk to me.

I finally liked a guy, and he didn't like me back.

Well, if he didn't like you back, then he's obviously stupid and has no taste.

Why would you want to date a stupid boy with no taste who lives in a parking lot and accosts innocent people who are just trying to buy crafts?

Ohh.

Am I really judgmental and terrifying?

You are.

[Sighs]

But this time, you used your powers for good.

I mean, he doesn't eat meat.

You mean for lent?

No, like, ever.

Well, he's gonna die alone.

[Door opens]

Hey, Mom, you got to come check this out.

Hey, Dad, here they come!

Pat: Jimmy and I stripped off all the scary stuff.

Well, except Lucifer.

I... I used, uh, too many nails.

I think it's okay. [Grunts]

I think I made it work, and we should still go to the parade.

What do you think, Mom?

Well, who's to say that Satan wasn't Irish?

Ha!

Let's do this!

Oh, but, Dad, where's your leprechaun?

Without Shannon, is your leprechaun hunter costume gonna make any sense?

Oh, it never made any sense.

It might make slightly more sense if I'm here.

I thought you were too old.

I probably am.

I mean, I am looking at property in Mexico, but I still want us to hang out.

Me too.

Let's get moving.

We've got a lot of neighbors to confuse.

Yeah!

♪ ♪

[Sighs]

Jimmy, cue the Irish music!

[Screaming, evil laughter]

Sure, whatever.

Time for shenanigans!

Well, there goes another weird holiday for my family. We are four hours late for a St. Patrick's Day parade riding shotgun on a float with the devil in a Santa suit. Get ready, Easter, The O'Neals are coming for you.

♪ This is why we're biting the b*llet ♪
♪ We know the kids are right ♪

Shannon! Aah!

Shannon, why don't we just take a br... Shannon, take a break!

Shannon!

Bam... dead in a ditch!

Who's next?

No, I'm good over here.

No need to get involved.

Too late.

Already roofied your drink. Dead in a ditch.

Mm.

How much longer do we have to do this for?

Yeah, how long?

Until I'm done with my period.

And that happens once a month? Can we stop?

Jimmy: Shannon! Aah!

Ah, we're good parents.

We really are.

Jimmy: Aah!

Shannon: Bam... dead in a ditch! Who's next?