01x09 - The Real Wedding

[bunniefuu]

Kenny: This year, my family's learning to be supportive of each other's changes, even if that change is upsetting, confusing, or really hard to see.

What do you think?

About?

My mustache.

Here. You can see it better in this angle.

You see it?

I want to be there for you, but I don't see it.

[Muffled] It's r... it's right...

Oh, wh... wait. There it is.

You look like the old lady who sells shaved ice in the park.

Yes.

Kenny, what's this about play auditions?

What? Did you go through my backpack?

Well, why didn't you tell me you're auditioning for the school play?

You know the theater's our thing.

For years, Mom and I have been the Doris Day and Rock Hudson of our church's theater productions.

Oh, Balthazar, I'm so glad you didn't forget the myrrh.

And the frankincense was so reasonable!

Pat, did you know Kenny was auditioning for the school play?

Oh, yeah. It's all anybody's talking about down in the basement.

Kenny, why would you keep it a secret?

You used to tell me everything.

If I didn't feel so comfortable rifling through your personal belongings, I wouldn't know anything about you.

Kenny: Look, I didn't tell anybody about this.

You know, I've wanted to do it for a long time, but I was afraid of being outed at school.

So, you know, now that everyone knows, there's nothing stopping me.

You can do a bunch of stuff now.

You can be a male cheerleader or a male ballerina, or you can be one of those shirtless guys at Abercrombie.

Well, I'm working on the play and currently heterosexual.

Currently?

We'll see what happens in college.

Anyhoo, I'm in charge of the special effects.

It's gonna be super gory.

Gory? I thought you were doing "Romeo and Juliet"?

"Zombie Romeo and Juliet."

It's our drama teacher's re-imagining of the classic play.

Ms. Hanson felt like Shakespeare phoned it in.

Dad, could you get me some crime-scene photos for reference?

Oh, I-I-I-I don't know about that, honey.

I think they might be a little unsettling.

Holy [Bleep].

I made it in shop class.

I'm gonna throw up.

If you promise never, ever to do that never, ever again, I will get you some photos.

Excellent. Got to go.

No, no, young lady.

Not until you've cleaned the blood off the breakfast table.

[Sighs] Wait, Kenny.

It says here Ms. Hanson's looking for some parent volunteers.

It sounds like she could use some help.

[Chuckles] I could do that.

I do want to make her happy, but making her happy will probably make me sad.

Um... Y-yeah.

Okay.

Yay! Theater buddies.

Yay.

I promise, you won't regret it.

Oh.

There's no hugging me at school, though, okay?

You can let go any time. [Chuckles]

I'm so excited.

Treading the boards together again.

[Inhales deeply] Oh, the smell of the theater.

I was talking to Ms. Hanson. She seems a little overwhelmed.

I am very overwhelmed.

To be honest, I thought this would be a little more like "Glee."

That was my main preparation for this job, watching "Glee."

Thank god you're here.

I thought there'd be way more gay kids.

That one really threw me.

Girl, I have to say, your eyebrows are on fleek.

Stuart, stop it. You go over there.

Okay, I need everyone to focus.

Focus up, okay?

All right. Kenny, do you know Mimi?

Oh, we know each other. He was my boyfriend.

Then he came out as gay.

So I know him, yeah.

Drama.

It's all happening.

Mimi, we're both auditioning for the play.

It's so fun.

Super fun.

Yeah, you've come to the one place where I didn't have to be reminded of your deception.

Awesome.

[Fingers snap]

[Sighs] Both my special gals are here.

Yay.

So, Pat, what kind of crime-scene photos are you looking for, exactly?

Oh, you know, anything gory, really.

Uh, any missing limbs.

Uh, any bludgeonings you have would be great.

Um, just nothing too hard-core, because it is for my daughter.

That's so sweet.

Ah.

What is Shannon now, 14?

Yeah.

That's when I started looking at crime-scene photos, too.

Look at me now, working in the crime-scene photo department.

Dreams, huh?

I'm gonna send you some of my personal favorites.

Great. Thank you.

Hey.

Hmm?

[Siren wailing in distance]

Do you maybe want to go out for a coffee sometime?

Coffee?

Yeah.

Pbbbbbbht...

Coffee, coffee, coffee...

Uh...

Okay, you know what? Never mind.

Okay.

[Chuckles]

Don't judge me. You robbed a bank on a bike.

"O, that I were a glove upon that hand that I might touch that rotting cheek."

Oh, that was not good.

How's the scene going?

Well, I don't seem to be able to express emotion like a person, or even a zombie.

I mean, Siri read it with more emotion than I did.

This play is a travesty.

But if you want Romeo, you can make it happen.

Could you help me?

I mean, you obviously have the range.

You have played everything from Jezebel to the Holy Mother.

That was quite an Easter.

Announcer: And with one minute left to go in the game...

Hey.

Dad, I know you've been wondering why I grew this mustache.

Um... Well, I just figured you wanted to look like Tom Selleck.

[Laughs]

The grandpa on "Blue Bloods"?

[Sighs]

What do you need, son?

There's a girl at school that I really like.

Mm-hmm.

Her name is Lacey...

Uh, which I assume is short for Laceandra.

Probably not, but continue.

Well, you know I've always been kind of known for my verbal skills.

Again, continue.

But there's [Sighs]

There's something wrong with me.

I-I've been kind of off my game lately.

♪ ♪

Oh!

Thought I got closer.

What? Hey, Lacey. What's up?

Books, huh?

Uh... Yeah.

Books.

Books.

Booksssssss.

'Cause you, uh...

Ca... you like cat... Cats.

Y-you're probably good with women.

Well, sure.

I mean, I don't like to brag, but I have used words to talk to women before.

Sounds like your first line was fine.

I think that... that we... you... one would need to just kind of follow that up.

You know?

Huh.

Hmm.

Interesting.

Yeah, that's right.

Just don't worry about what to say.

Just keep talking, and the rest will happen on its own.

Just keep talking.

Yeah.

That's solid.

Right?

You know, like... like we're talking right now.

You know, no big deal.

I mean, a girl's just a dad in a skirt.

Right?

Emotional scenes can be tough.

But there are tricks.

For example, if you want to act sad, look down at a spot on the floor.

Mm-hmm.

If you need to be thoughtful, pretend you're watching a bird flying slowly across the sky.

Mm?

Okay.

Um, what about here, when I say, "It is my undead lady, O, it is my decomposing love."?

Clench your butt real tight and think about pancakes.

That doesn't really sound...

Who got five out of five rosaries in the church bulletin for her portrayal of Bathsheba?

Okay.

[Clears throat]

It is my undead lady, O, it is my decomposing love.

See how she leans her cheek upon her cold, dead hand.

O, that I were a glove upon that hand that I might touch that rotting cheek.

End scene.

I knew I'd find my gay!

I think we can all agree that we have found our zombie Romeo.

And, Stuart, congratulations, you are his understudy.

Outrageous!

I'm being discriminated against because I'm heterosexual.

[Door opens, closes]

That was amazing.

I can't believe that pancake butt-clench thing worked.

It was purely theoretical until now.

I couldn't have done this without you.

I'm... I'm really glad you're here.

Oh! So am I.

And as zombie Juliet, Kenny's estranged ex, Mimi Waxberg!

I'm sorry. What?

Okay. You two, come on.

Let's jump up and do the wedding scene.

Okay, you know, zombies are one thing, but there is no wedding scene in "Romeo and Juliet."

I know. The whole thing happened offstage.

Shakespeare really left a lot of meat on that bone.

And no offense, Ms. Hanson, but this is worse than when that harlot from "girls" played Peter Pan.

♪ ♪

[Clears throat]

I, Romeo, take you, Juliet, to be my lawfully wedded wife.

Mm, maybe you're right. Maybe I should cut it.

Don't you [Bleep] dare.

To be my lawfully wedded husband.

A little weird with Mimi.

I was thinking, maybe we could watch all the "Romeo and Juliet" movies tonight for inspiration.

Um, actually, I'm all good. I have seen them all.

Even "Gnomeo and Juliet"?

Oh, no. I missed that one.

I'll bring the snacks!

Fantastic.

Man: Come on, guys. We don't have that much time.

God, it's like the whole budget's going into the wedding scene, but I have to beg for decent stage blood for my blood cannon.

Sure, I could go to the dumpster behind the butcher shop, but I don't think anyone wants that.

What? N-no.

There are more important things than your blood cannon.

These?

Oh, the color scheme is ivory and rose, not champagne and bubble gum.

Get your head in the game, Lacey.

Uh-huh.

Mom?

Yeah? Hi.

Um, so, Mimi's starting to get a little carried away with all the wedding stuff.

It's getting awkward.

Oh?

Well, you know how us girls are.

Sometimes we get a little wedding crazy.

It's true. I bought 19 wedding dresses on credit, and now I'll never be able to own a home.

Okay.

Um, maybe you could talk to Ms. Hanson, just have her pull back the wedding stuff?

Make it more about zombies again?

Sure. I'll... I'll take care of it.

She listens to everything say.

Awesome. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Ms. Hanson: It's all coming together, Eileen.

Oh, good. I was hoping I could have a word.

Anything you want.

You've got decision-making skills that I will never have.

Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that.

Yeah.

Um, a-about the wedding scene.

I was thinking that...

Mimi: Hey, Kenny.

Here you go.

Thanks.

This will help your throat.

Sure.

We should go bigger.

Mm.

♪ ♪

You got this. Just keep talking.

Just keep talking.

Hey. How you doing, Gloria?

Got some envelopes, huh?

Yep.

Lacey, hey.

Hey.

Ponytail today, huh?

Uh... Yeah.

So, I was thinking about coffee.

[Clears throat] Love French roast.

Been known to dabble in French vanilla.

I like French fries. So, I'm getting a divorce.

Uh, I see that you are headed to the bathroom.

I-I noticed that you use the bathroom every day between 12:45 and 12:50.

You're super regular.

I was married for 18 years.

You know, there's so many new things out now.

It's... I guess it's the sexting and the Snapchat.

I mean [Chuckles] I've never taken a picture of my junk.

Uh, I remember at a party once, I went to the bathroom after you, and you were in there for a long time.

[Chuckles]

And afterwards, uh, it smelled like your perfume.

Um...

I mean, if you... if you pooped in there, I definitely couldn't tell, you know?

Probably want to do the weirder sex stuff with other women.

I just need to...

Thank you.

Cool. Yeah.

"Weird sex stuff"? What are you doing?!

"Pooped"? Oh...

Oh, we can't seat Cousin Ronnie next to his sister.

They haven't spoken since the family reunion.

Oh, man. That got ugly.

I've never seen anyone throw potato salad with so much precision.

Well, it wasn't a great time to find out you were adopted.

[Gasps]

Oh, Romeo!

Oh, look how handsome on his big night!

Uh, well, it... it fits.

I'm still not sure it's better than my regular costume.

Oh, yes. Ms. Hanson and I agreed.

This is what Shakespeare would've wanted.

Yeah, but it's gonna get blood all over it.

No, I swapped out Shannon's blood cannon for a rice cannon.

That doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, she's not happy about it, either.

Okay. Ha ha!

I found the good camera. It is out of film, though, so we're gonna have to stop by the fotomat on the way to the school.

Pat, I told you about this two days ago.

Oh, I forgot the flash cubes.

[Sighs]

Wait, what is going on?

Why is Dad taking photos with the old-timey camera?

And is that a seating chart?

No, it's not a seating chart.

It's just a chart telling us where everyone's gonna sit.

The reception's open seating.

The reception?

Uh, the cast party.

In Europe, it's called a reception.

They also call bathrooms toilets. [Laughs]

It's gonna be fabulous.

What... why are you acting like this is a real wedding?

Don't be ridiculous.

I don't think this is a real wedding.

Wedding cake's here.

[Sighs]

Guy said it serves 100.

Thanks.

[Smacks lips]

[Clears throat]

I see what you're doing.

You're using the play to get me and Mimi back together again.

I-I promise you, I am not trying to get you and Mimi back together.

She is the last girl on earth I would want you to marry.

She's terrible.

You're lying.

I am not lying. I just...

You just what?

I just...

This is the only chance I'm gonna have to see you marry a woman.

Wait. That's what this is about?

Yes. And I don't see what the big deal is.

[Sighs]

Is it too much to ask to have some pictures of you with a girl in a white dress?

And some nice cake afterwards while a string quartet plays Josh Groban?

Oh, my god.

I've been making mom p*rn!

Where are you going? The play's in 40 minutes!

I don't care. I'm done with the play.

You can go have your precious hetero wedding with someone else.

[Door slams]

How'd you know where to find me?

Come on. You've been running away to the garage since you were 4 years old.

Remember, you got so upset Martha Stewart went to jail?

They were making an example of her.

[Laughs]

Well, look, buddy, [Clears throat] you don't have to go through with this if you don't want to.

Okay?

But, uh, your mom feels a little bad, and she's pretty upset.

So am I.

You know, I was just starting to feel like, you know, maybe we were getting close again.

And then...

I don't know.

She's never going to accept that I'm gay.

No, I think she is. I think she is.

I think this whole bizarre wedding play is proof of that.

Please, tell me how.

Well, not too long ago, she was trying to turn you straight, okay?

And now I think that she's really accepted the fact that you're never gonna marry a woman.

And for her, that is progress.

It's incredibly slow, very weird progress, but it's progress nonetheless.

And that's pretty huge for her.

Stop making me feel like she has feelings.

Well... Just remember that, uh, you've had 16 years to get used to the fact that you're gay, okay?

We've only had six weeks.

So, the whole Martha Stewart thing, and still no idea?

Really?

I'll admit, not my finest detective work.

♪ ♪

[Grunting]

My Romeo!

Oh!

Juliet, thy father canst ne'er stop us now.

Wilt thou be my wife?

Yes!

I finally understand why people go to the theater.

My bounty is as boundless as the sea.

You're just in time to see our son's ex-girlfriend marry an effeminate zombie.

Oh, all right.

["Pachelbel's Canon" plays]

Romeo, ghostly death canst part us.

I shall hunt for brains with thou tilst the end of time.

I object to this wedding!

[Music stops]

[Audience murmurs]

That zombie is a liar!

I am your Romeo!

Bitch, you have got to be kidding me.

He came back.

Oh, my god.

Oh, no.

The audience is gonna be totally confused.

I know. It's just like "Glee."

[Music resumes]

I, Romeo, take you, Juliet, to have and to eat brains with all the days of my life, which, barring any unforeseen blunt trauma to the head, should be forever.

I now bind thee as man and wife.

You may kiss your undead bride.

Here it goes.

If it helps my mom take a tiny step forward, then the show must go on.

[All gasp]

Sorry, Mom.

But that was so much cooler than rice.

Man: Geez. I've never seen that before.

It's a bloodbath!

Ms. Hanson: Just like "Glee"!

Yeah!

[Cheers and applause]

Can someone explain this to me?

♪ Everybody's on the same page ♪
♪ No new chapters ♪

I'm sorry things didn't work out with Lacey, buddy.

No.

I did not grow this mustache for nothing.

Honestly, I still don't see it. Wait, I wasn't finished.

Oh, boy.

Laceandra. Hi. Hey.

H... uh, hey. Listen.

I am not good at this.

But I want you to know th... uh, there was this one time in the cafeteria, we were both eating lucky charms, and we noticed that we both like to pick out the blue moons.

Anyway, uh...

I felt like we really had a moment there.

Or... or ma-maybe that was just all in my head.

It... yeah, it was probably all... yeah.

I'm gonna... this was... sorry. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no. It wasn't just in your head.

Blue moons are for freaks.

[Chuckles]

Whew!

Right. Yeah.

So, how'd you know my full name?

What else could it be?

Oh, my god. Yeah.

Right?

♪ I don't care what they think ♪
♪ No, I'm not listening ♪

Honey, I'm sorry I tried to force you to live out my dream of seeing you marry a girl.

Oh, please. That old cliché again?

I really did start out just wanting to spend more time together, but things just... Got away from me.

♪ Come on, show them ♪

You know, I do want to get married one day.

Mm. But it won't be in a Catholic church.

Mm, I don't know about that. The new Pope drives a Fiat.

♪ Everybody's born to be different ♪

But even if it's not exactly the way you pictured it, at least there won't be a blood cannon.

Well, you never know if your sister's invited.

Yeah, no, that's very true.

But I hope that when I do get married, you'll be just as excited about planning it.

♪ Don't let them make you into something you ain't ♪

By the way, I'm picturing orchids.

Oh, absolutely not. Orchids are all wrong.

Okay, well, obviously not by themselves.

I'd want orchids and lilies.

Oh! [Laughs] I'm sorry.

I thought we were planning a wedding, not a Hawaiian funeral.

Oh, my god!

That's a fantastic idea. It could be a luau theme!

Don't you dare.

Come on, we could bury a pig.

I can see right now I'm gonna have to start taking over the planning.

Come on, the caterers could be fire dancers!

All right, be honest with me. Is it too drastic?

I don't know what I'm looking at.

Did you shave your mustache?

No.

I grew a beard.

Oh.

[Scoffs] Yeah, there it is.

Lush.

Yeah.

It's gonna be a little warm for summer.

Yeah, and you're gonna get a lot of food caught in it.

Mm-hmm.

[Sighs] You guys are so right.

I'm gonna go shave it off.

♪ ♪

When we grow up, is he gonna live in your guesthouse or mine?

One, two, three.

Ha ha!

Ow!