01x13 - The Real Prom

[bunniefuu]

So I made it through my year of coming out to the world. It went better than expected, but there was still one social hurdle to clear.

So?

Yes.

Prom. An opportunity wasted on all these straight couples with no imagination and zero design sense.

Hey, I want to pitch you my prom-posal for Lacey.

Oh.

Roses.

And?

From the grocery store. [Chuckles]

Okay, I will fix this later.

Right now I have to go to V.P. Murray's office and demand that this school let me take a boy to prom.

And not just for me, but for all gay kids who follow.

Dude! Hey! You messed up my banner!

Fine. I'll help you fix it, but this is a high-traffic area.

You did not think this through.

Don't just stand there. Where's your glitter glue?

What?

You're a lost cause.

I don't know.

If I accept his friendship, isn't that sending the wrong message?

You frenched your children's vice principal.

I'd say that sends a pretty strong message.

Now it's your job to gather intel and see if you want to take it further.

Okay, fine.

I'll do it.

[Computer dings]

Yes!

And now the dance begins.

Oh.

Oh, dear Lord.

He's wearing shorts.

Hey.

Hey, you know what, Jimmy's been asking for money for a limo for prom.

Does he even have a date?

No. He's still working on his prom-posal.

These days, kids make a bigger deal out of asking each other to prom than you did asking me to marry you.

It feels like they've been talking about this prom for months.

I'll be excited when it's over.

Oh, I like seeing children in evening wear.

I like seeing cats in glasses.

Well, done with this conversation.

[Computer dings]

Oh, my God, V.P. Murray has liked all your photos in that time.

He liked that I liked Talbots?

What's this video?

[Key clicks]

Here it is... an original composition on my theremin. Uh, fun fact... this is the only one in Illinois.

[Sniffs]

[Theremin plays]

Nope. I'm out. Un-friend.

[Groans]

[Computer chimes]

What?! Where did she go?

[Knock on door]

Uh, Kenny, hey.

Apropos of nothing, do you know if your mom changes her privacy settings often, you know, on the social media and... and the like?

V.P. Murray, it is my right as an American citizen and a student of this school to have the freedoms allowed to all the other students.

You want to take a boy to the prom.

If the supreme court could see fit...

You can take a boy to the prom.

I have a letter from a lawyer.

Well, then, frame it because you are taking a male to the prom.

Who's the lucky guy?

Oh, crap. There is no lucky guy. I did not think this through. Cover. Cover.

I'm the lucky guy for taking this brave step forward.

Freedom.

[Bleep]

That's all I was asking for. You know, I like...

Hey, Shannon.

Hi.

I wanted to make sure you got the math assignment.

Oh.

No, thanks, Ethan. I'm good.

Shannon, you didn't even think about it.

You know, some people had to fight for the right to go to prom.

Once they had that right, had no one to go with.

I'm talking about me.

I just don't understand why you want to get hysterically excited about prom, only to be utterly disappointed by the outcome.

Because I am an American!

But I'm never gonna get what I want 'cause I'm the only gay kid in this whole school.

Stuart: Hi.

What about clearly gay Stuart?

Come here. Mah!

[Both laugh]

Well, I'm starting to think he might just be "Stuart."

Maybe you could go with that barista from Rigby's Roasters.

Isn't he gay?

Are you saying that because he's the only other gay guy you know?

Yes.

[Groans]

What's up?

Jimmy, can you think of any gay guys Kenny can take to prom?

Oh! What about the barista from Rigby's Roasters?

Wasn't he gay?

You think I'm gonna take somebody when the only thing we have in common is that we're both gay?

I think that's more important than, say, uh, you both liking tennis.

Yo! What up, Lacey?!

Hey, Jimmy.

You smell like eggs.

[Mumbles]

What are you doing?

You could have asked her right there.

As you can see, I'm not good off the cuff.

I have to plan it.

Yeah? Well, I don't even have anyone to plan for.

And I'm not asking for much.

I just want love at first sight with the perfect boy and the perfect kiss and the perfect night.

♪ If you change your mind ♪
♪ I'm the first in line ♪
♪ Honey, I'm still free ♪
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
♪ If you need me, let me know ♪
♪ Gonna be around ♪
♪ If you've got no place to go ♪
♪ If you're feeling down ♪

[Swedish accent] May I have this dance?

Absolutely.

♪ If you're all alone ♪
♪ When the pretty birds have flown ♪
♪ Honey, I'm still free ♪
♪ Take a chance on me ♪

This is perfect.

I can never hear enough ABBA.

♪ Gonna do my very best, baby, can't you see? ♪

[School bell ringing]

Wait.

Why is he still here?

Do you guys see him, too?

The Nordic twink in the hoodie?

Kenny, this is Sebastian, our new Swedish foreign exchange student.

I thought you'd want to meet him since you both play for the same team.

And I'm not talking about a sports team.

You're both gay.

Just because they're both gay doesn't mean that they want...

Shut up. Hi! [Chuckles]

I'm Kenny!

Can you believe we're both gay?

We have so much in common!

[Chuckles]

What?

Do you have any 2s?

Nope. Go fish.

[Sighs]

[Balloon humming]

Did we make that happen?

I hope so.

[Laughs] It works!

Oh, and it's awesome!

That's up for debate.

This is gonna be the best prom-posal ever.

Lacey and Sebastian are for sure gonna say yes.

Because of a fish balloon?

No, because of a self-mobilizing fish drone.

It's gonna hover over Sebastian and Lacey, then I'm gonna pop it and it's gonna rain down Swedish fish, you know, 'cause Sebastian is Swedish.

And Lacey loves processed foods.

Prom is so over-hyped.

It's for amateurs, like Valentine's Day and New Year's.

Mm-hmm.

The most romantic night of your life could happen in a random parking lot on a Tuesday night.

You don't understand gay or straight romance.

I'm not sure you do, either.

Fine!

You'll see.

How'd it go?

Great.

I called Clive, and I told him it's not gonna work.

He took it really well, and we parted as friends.

In fact, I told him I'd help him chaperone at the prom.

Oh, my God, he's taking you to the prom.

No, he is not!

I am going as a single adult there to make sure the kids don't grope each other.

[Cellphone chimes]

"Hey, boo.

What color is your dress for the prom?

I want my boutonniere to match"?

See, he thinks it's a date.

How can he possibly think that?

Are you sure you were clear with him when you broke it off?

I told him I'm really busy right now and I'm not in a great place and I just don't think it's meant to be.

Okay, see, what he heard is, "when things die down, I'll be ready, so wait for me."

[Sighs] I need your help.

Teach me how to k*ll his hope.

My whole life has led to this moment.

[Laughter]

Okay, there they are. There they are.

Launch it.

I told you you put too many Swedish fish in the fish.

No, but the physics were right.

I calculated the trajectory.

I just need to redistribute the weight.

Sorry.

Got it.

Aah!

Sorry. Okay, go!

Stuart: Uh, hello!

Excuse me. Coming through.

Wait, what the...?

I'm coming out of the closet!

And I'm gay for you, Sebastian.

Prom... Question mark?

Ja.

Just when I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Yes! Thank you!

Damn it!

Okay, look, I feel for you, but let's get this fish moving.

I still have a chance with Lacey, okay?

Okay.

Hey, Lacey!

Wow, Devon. That's a lot of cheese.

What do you say?

"No."

Sure!

It's processed.

That's her favorite.

Why didn't I think of that?

Because it's literally the worst idea ever.

[Thud]

Everyone is staring at us.

What do we do?

We melt their hearts.

Kenny, my gay brother...

[Candy clatters]

...will you go to prom with me?

Yes?

Together: Aww.

[Applause]

This went exactly as we planned.

♪

I can't believe I took on a Catholic school so I could take a same-sex date to prom, and the date ends up being my brother.

It's too sad to even write a country song about.

Look, we're sitting in the sweet spot right now.

Everyone's hopes are super-high for prom, but... but, like Shannon said, they will eventually be let down by the reality.

And that's where we swoop in, and we give Sebastian and Lacey a night they will never forget.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, Stuart is borrowing his mom's Passat, but there's no way he can sustain that level of excitement all evening.

Exactly!

And when their disappointment is at its highest, they're gonna look over and go, "whoa, who are those handsome brothers getting all Hemsworth up in the prom?"

I'm Chris.

I'm Chris.

I'm Chris!

I'm Chris!

Mm.

♪ Set me up, let me go ♪
♪ I'm out of control ♪

Smile, love birds.

This is so silly. [Scoffs]

All right, let's go find Sebastian and Lacey.

Okay.

Vice Principal Murray, I may have not been clear enough in our previous conversation.

I do not wish to date you today or tomorrow or any time in the future.

I will not date you here or there.

I will not date you anywhere.

Before you make your final decision...

Couldn't be more final.

...I have something to show you.

Please, meet me in my office in 10 minutes.

Uh... mm.

Give it.

Chablis? Get out of here.

♪ Set me up, let me go ♪
♪ I'm out of control ♪

Ugh.

[TV chatter]

See how bad prom sucks?

You think it's gonna be the night of your dreams, and the next thing you know, a bucket of pig blood is dropping on you in front of the entire school.

I'd take Carrie's prom over ours.

I mean, Moroccan mystique? Let's be honest.

That's just gonna look like a cost plus world market.

[Chuckles]

I'm glad I told Ethan no.

Wait, hang on.

You got asked to prom by some guy named Ethan?

He sounds amazing. Why didn't you tell me?

There was nothing to tell. Prom sucks.

You said it yourself.

Oh, honey, prom doesn't suck for everyone.

It just sucked for me because I didn't have a date.

Nobody wanted to go with fatty Patty.

I thought nobody asked you, and I didn't want you to feel bad like I did.

I'm happy sitting here watching "Carrie" with you.

No, honey, trust me, you don't want to be my age and regret that you didn't get dressed up and have a glamorous night with your friends and impress them with how well you do "the Tootsee Roll."

What's "the Tootsee Roll"?

It's only the most important dance of 1994.

Listen, you should go.

I guess I could pull out that junior bridesmaid's dress from Aunt Stacy's wedding.

Yeah.

It used to hang on me like a bag, but I think I have the curves now to pull it off.

And you know what else boys really love?

Turtlenecks.

♪ Why I got you on my mind ♪
♪ Why I got you on my heart don't understand ♪
♪ Why I got you on my mind ♪

They don't look disappointed.

♪ Why I got you on my mind ♪

When are they gonna look disappointed?

Right now.

We're gonna make them disappointed.

We're gonna cut in. We're gonna talk each other up.

And then you pass Lacey off to me, and I'll pass Sebastian off to you.

That's smart.

Man, you really flicker in and out, don't you?

Yeah, I really do.

Hmm.

♪ I always hear, I always hear them talkin' ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout a girl, 'bout a girl with my name ♪

May I cut in?

What?

The jocks are turning. The jocks are turning.

No. I want the Swede.

Uh... All right.

Hi. Excuse me, Devon. This will take one second.

All right.

♪ I could have really liked you ♪

I don't know if you saw, but Jimmy looks rather dashing in his tux.

We're sort of the Hemsworths of St. Barklay's.

♪ And now I don't understand it ♪

He's the Chris.

You know, uh, I'm not actually gay, but if I were, that fella right over there would be just my cup of tea.

I do like tea.

I want you to know Jimmy was going to ask you to prom first.

And if he hadn't spent so much time helping me with my prom-posal, you'd probably be here with him right now.

I was hoping that he'd ask me.

Great. Follow my lead.

Jimmy!

Spin me.

Whoa!

Hey! No!

What? What?

No!

Kenny, I can't see.

No, that's not what I wanted.

Kenny! No! No! [Groans]

Kenny: Okay, that didn't work out.

All right, when do I get to dance with a chick, bro?

Right now.

♪ My heart don't understand it ♪

Sebastian!

♪ Understand it ♪
♪ Understand iiiiiiit ♪

There you are, you silly Swede.

♪ Why I got you on my mind ♪
♪ You think you know somebody ♪
♪ Why I got you on my mind ♪
♪ You think you know somebody ♪
♪ Why I got you on my mind ♪
♪ You think you know... ♪

Thanks for coming.

Uh, I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Oh, I already am.

[Theremin plays]

[Off-key] ♪ Come on, Eileen ♪
♪ Oh, I swear what he means ♪
♪ At this moment ♪
♪ You mean everything ♪

It's even worse in person.

Smile.

[Chuckles] No, no, I'm just her dad.

I'm only here to help her have a magical prom night, but okay.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Oh, look at that disco ball.

It's just as wonderful as I imagined it.

Oh, yes, it's a ball with mirrors glued to it.

We live in magical times.

Okay, so which one of these guys asked you?

Ethan.

He's right there in the moss-green bow tie, but it looks like he's here with somebody else.

I'm gonna go get us some punch.

Wait, there's punch? For free?

Hey, green tie. Officer O'Neal.

He's a cop?

Uh, I'm not here in my official capacity.

I'm here just as Shannon's dad.

Look, could you do me a favor and just give Shannon one dance?

I don't want her to regret saying no to you.

You asked someone else first?!

[Sobbing]

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

Dad, what are you doing?

Embarrassing me and making my date cry.

I can see why you O'Neals only date each other!

[Sobbing]

I'm sorry, honey, I want to make this right, but that girl's heading for her drug purse, and I can't let that happen.

Hey, don't smoke anything out of that purse!

I'm sorry, Ethan.

This is exactly the kind of dumb prom drama I did not want to get involved in.

No, I'm glad this happened because my heart just wasn't in it with Paula.

You and I are like quantum entanglement.

When one particle entangles with the other, no matter how far the distance...

They always affect each other.

Exactly.

Also, Dem curves are dangerous.

Whoa.

[Off-key]

♪ Loo-ra-loo-rye-oooooh ♪

Stop! Stop!

[Theremin powers down]

Stop!

Uh, uh, Eileen, wait.

No, I don't want to be mean, but you're forcing me to say these mean things.

I don't like you.

[Sighs]

Look, you are a very nice man and a competent vice principal, and thank you very much for being my first... First kiss in a long time.

I was hoping that you would ask me to prom...

And then kiss me.

Uh, I could still do one of those things.

♪ That golden moment got you open ♪

Close your eyes. [Chuckles]

♪ With the cameras flashing in the daylight ♪

So, Clive...

Goodbye.

♪ I don't believe hopes or maybes ♪
♪ Hard work mean you can't get lazy ♪
♪ The '80s made me I'm so awesome ♪

Jimmy?

♪ I deserve to ride foreign ♪
♪ I woke up this morning like I gotta get going ♪
♪ Tomorrow's not promised ♪
♪ So I live in the moment ♪

[Sniffs]

♪ It's a good day to have a good day ♪
♪ It's a good day to have a good day ♪

[Bleep]

So, to recap, I had a chance to bring a guy to prom and ended up getting a pity dance from Sister Ethelreda. So much for my high hopes for prom.

♪ If you change your mind ♪
♪ Take a chance, take chance ♪
♪ I'm the first in line ♪

Thanks a lot, ABBA.

♪ Honey, I'm still free ♪

Sweden sucks!

♪ Take a chance on me ♪

There you are.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Is this really happening?

'Cause I hallucinate sometimes.

I'd rather be here with you tonight than the boy in the box who asked me.

It's been all downhill since the Passat.

I knew it.

May I have this dance?

Absolutely.

♪ Honey, I'm still free ♪
♪ Take a chance on me ♪

This is it. After everything I've been through, coming out to my family, coming out to my school, I'm finally going to kiss a guy... at prom. And not just any guy... A Viking prince from the land of ABBA.

♪ Take a chance on me ♪
♪ We can go dancing ♪

Huh.

Maybe I set the bar too high?

Look, uh, this is weird for all of us, but your dad and I are moving on.

It's just part of divorce.

And I get that.

What upsets me is that you could... you could totally do better than Vice Principal Murray.

Really?

Yeah.

You... you're smart.

And you're funny.

I mean, y-you remember that time the neighborhood had a... had a peeping Tom?

Who did he peep on first?

You.

That's true.

It was really scary.

[Groans]

I'm sorry I ruined your prom.

I thought prom didn't matter to me because it didn't, then Ethan referenced one of the great mysteries of physics, and my heart got all fluttery at prom.

I'm just like every other teenage girl.

Honey, I hate to break it to you, but you are not like any other teenage girl.

Thanks.

I pride myself on keeping my edge.

Want to go catch up with Ethan, huh?

No, our paths will cross again.

Maybe in our 30s in Prague.

Maybe in the 10th grade on our teen tour.

Ugh. There I go again.

Yeah, I think we're all getting a little caught up in the Moroccan mystique.

[Chuckles]

Anyways, Ethan can wait.

I already have a date.

Hey, someone finally asked me to the prom.

Want to go to the snack table?

There's a chocolate fountain.

Oh, my God!

He is so simple.

All right, I'm having a totally crappy time, and I'd like my date to take me home.

What happened?

All right, I'm gonna tell you because I'm very frustrated, but no comments.

Things didn't work out with you and Sebastian?

Well, we kissed.

What?

You had your first boy kiss?!

That's awesome!

Look at... look at it! The O'Neals are getting some!

Ha ha.

I mean... except... except for me. I'm not.

But I'm... I'm still happy for you guys.

"You guys"? What, Mom, did you get some?

You were telling your story. Go on.

Okay, well, Sebastian and I kissed, and I thought it was gonna be this amazing moment.

I mean, he is good-looking.

He says his Y's like J's, and he's short-tall, so he's not intimidating, but he can still hold me.

But it didn't feel as amazing as I thought it would.

I was expecting 4th of July, and it felt more like...

August 9th.

[Chuckles]

National Rice Pudding Day.

[Sighs]

It sucks that it was just...

...ordinary.

You know what that means.

That I'm probably straight and I should kiss a girl.

No.

It means you're normal.

You think I'm normal?

Of course I do.

Listen. You can't force a connection.

You don't know when it's gonna happen or with whom.

He may not dress the way you like or play an instrument that doesn't sound like a... crying robot.

You can't account for chemistry.

Well, thank you.

And it sounds like you have quite a story to tell.

For another day.

Murray: I now present to you this year's...

What are you doing?!

Everybody has to get inside this totally rad prom right now!

Jimmy and Kenny are being named non-gender-specific prom monarchs."

[Chuckling] What?

What?

[Fanfare plays]

You have your mother's eyes.

Him and Mom?

I'm afraid so.

[Applause]

Do you have any music from the olden times?

Like 1994?

♪ Cotton candy, sweetie, go ♪
♪ Let me see your Tootsee Roll ♪

[laughs] I always knew I'd love prom!

Once again, the O'Neals did what we do best... We took an evening of disappointment and embarrassment, and we made it into a night to remember. My family has been through a lot these last few months, and it's moments like these that give me hope that we just might be...

[Grunts]

That's for kissing my date... whore!

♪ To the left, to the right ♪

That's about right.

[Fanfare plays]

Does our family spend too much time together?

Yes. Yes, we do.

Aah, that Stuart has a sharp little fist.

Hey, sorry about your kiss.

Yeah.

Was it at least better than kissing a girl?

Oh, hell, yeah.

At this point, I would kiss anyone.

Well... Lacey!

Oh, Lacey, hey.

I'm sorry about not kissing you earlier.

The reason I...

♪ Head up high ♪
♪ Now's the time ♪

Cool!

♪ Spread your wings ♪
♪ You're ready to fly ♪

Kenny, I need you to dance with me.

Don't ask why.

Kenny: [Groans] Really, Mom?

V.P. Murray?

I didn't judge you. Don't judge me.

Yeah, fair enough.

♪ Fierce, flawless, unafraid ♪
♪ Fierce, flawless, unafraid ♪
♪ Fierce, flawless, unafraid ♪
♪ Fierce, flawless, unafraid ♪