02x11 - The Real Third Wheel

[bunniefuu]

It still feels weird that we're doing this.

Why? We've always made Mom and Dad breakfast in bed on their anniversary.

It's just, this year, Mom's alone in bed and Dad lives in the garage.

Okay, but celebrating the anniversary of a marriage that ended in divorce feels like having a birthday party for a dead person.

[Chuckles] That's like Christmas.

Hmm, good point. Let's plate those eggs.

Mnh-mnh. None for me, thank you.

Don't want to fill up. [Chuckles]

'Cause I'm having brunch with my honey, my boo, my boyfriend!

[Sarcastically] Oh, my God, we had no idea you were dating the most wonderful guy in the world.

[Sarcastically] Yeah. Why don't you ever talk about him all the time and never shut up about it?

Okay, I know you're being sarcastic, but, you guys, look how cute we are.

Allison says, "Where are you?

Crab, umbrella, French-fry emoji."

God, she's weird even in text.

She wants me to come to this lesbian slam-poetry thing she's doing, but today is a very important day for me and Brett.

What's so important about today?

Well, not only is today my first gay brunch, but I'm also meeting Brett's BFF, Christie.

She's visiting him from New Jersey and, no big deal, but she was Miss Teen Turnpike three years running.

[Soft gasp] Did you kids make breakfast?

Yep. For your anniversary.

Pat.

Hmm?

The kids made breakfast for what would've been our anniversary.

[Gasps] Guys, that is so weird.

Well, happy 19th anniversary.

Yeah, or happy first non-iversary.

Yeah, sure, that sounds like a thing.

You know what's not a thing...

Um, breakfast sausages dipped in coleslaw.

Excuse me.

When slawsages sweep the nation, don't ask me to buy you a house.

[Grinding and whirring]

What was that God-awful sound?

It's my new margarita machine.

I was feeling a little down after Gloria.

Thought I deserved a pick-me-up, so... it's a little "to Pat, from Pat" kind of thing.

Oh, yeah. You even gave yourself a card.

Yeah.

I was hoping Clive would come over tonight, but I guess he's stuck at school working out the budget.

That's odd.

He told me he can't go out tonight 'cause he's taking care of his mother.

She hyperextended her leg kicking the gardener.

Why won't he introduce me to that fascinating woman?

Well, either way, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.

Right?

Yeah. Right.

You know what... It actually doesn't matter.

We're adults, you know?

Yeah.

I mean, it's none of my business what he does with his own time.

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

You know, if I see him, I'll ask him about it.

Or not. You know?

Maybe I'll forget.

Mm.

Maybe I've already forgotten.

There you go.

[Clears throat] Unrelated to that, how about we fire up that margarita machine?

There you go. It's Mexico somewhere, right?

Yeah.

[Grinding and whirring]

Man. I thought having this car would help me get girls.

I mean, I named her "The Love Car." but the only girls who've been in here are Shannon and her stupid friends.

Well, thanks for driving me to the airport.

I'm second-guessing my brunch outfit.

Should I have worn a bow tie? Am I that kind of guy?

Do I want to be that kind of guy?

Why is your brother so excited about breakfast?

It is not just breakfast, Claire. It is brunch.

And it's like gay church.

Can I go to brunch?

No.

Meeting your boyfriend's best girlfriend is a huge deal.

They used to be called "f*g hags," but that's super offensive.

What do you call them now?

"Fruit flies."

And how is that better?

I wish I could be someone's fruit fly.

Of course you do, Claire, because straight women can't help but be drawn to gay men.

And we celebrate that love through brunch, with equal parts champagne, orange juice, and fruit-fly adoration.

Ugh. I'm so happy to finally meet you, Christie.

You're perfect.

Aww, you're sweet.

From now on, I will pick out all your outfits and help you choose what guys to date until the day that I officiate your wedding in a Hugo Boss pastel tux that manages to be both flattering and masculine.

Thank you.

Anything else?

Actually, yes.

I'd love to take a ride on a baby unicorn.

Certainly. Princess Glitter's right this way.

[Gasps]

♪

[Unicorn whinnies]

[Sneezes, snorts]

Brett: She did?

Um, you know she did.

And I was like...

Both: "Nuh-uh, nurse."

[Both laugh]

Here's your virgin mimosa.

Do you think you could put it in a champagne flute?

I could.

I'm sorry, Kenny.

We were up all night talking, but it's like we can never stop.

Oh, it's like that time when we were in Trig II, and Mrs. Campos was like...

Both: "Zip it, Brettstie."

Nuh-uh, nurse. [Chuckles]

Sorry, what?

Nothing.

So, "Real Housewives" marathon tonight.

Yes.

How excited are we?

Yes. [Laughs]

Yes, so excited.

I love "Real Housewives."

I... I just love watching those housewives being all real.

Awesome. Can we watch at your place?

My mom has bridge club tonight and, you know, after a few rosés, Mrs. King gets a little handsy.

She does.

[Nervously chuckling] Wow.

An entire night of the three of us hanging out and you two speaking in unison.

Both: Yay. [Laughing]

In fact, I will invite my BFF, Allison, to join us.

The girl who doesn't wash her hair?

Uh, no, she actually does wash her hair.

She was just born with extra oil glands.

♪

Thanks so much, Jimmy.

Whatever.

Bye, Shannon.

All right, let's go home.

Mm, wait.

I forgot, I promised a couple of friends we'd drop them off at the Radisson.

Oh. Hey, friends, hop in.

Thirsty?

So, how do you guys know each other?

Don't look at me, driver.

Geez. Nice friends, Shannon.

Okay, this was fun for a minute, but I really thought you'd figure it out by now.

You're an Uber driver.

What? No, I'm not.

Then why does your car smell like cheap cologne?

I'm trying something new.

I saw you driving around for free and saw a business opportunity.

How did you make me an Uber driver without me knowing it?

There are many things I have you doing that you're not aware of.

Right now, you're in a clinical trial for LIPITOR.

F-Fine.

But if The Love Car is going to become The Love Cab, then I want half the profits.

Deal.

Charge your phones?

Mm-hmm.

These are good.

They're like an adult snow cone.

Mmm-hmm. Yes.

Mmm.

See, this was fun, right?

So fun.

Yeah.

I can't stop thinking about Clive.

Why would he give us two different excuses for where he is tonight?

Why don't you call him?

All right.

Yeah, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.

[Cellphone dials, rings]

Clive: Hey, Snuggles.

Hi, Vice Principal Sexy...

Mm, Clive.

Um, I was just wondering...

Hey, I'm so sorry, again, about tonight.

It looks like Mother's gonna need me all evening.

Oh, so you're still at your mom's?

Yeah, just pulled up.

Her leg's even more hyperextended than we thought.

The doc likened it to an old accordion.

She's actually two inches taller, but just on one side.

Hey, um, I'm just getting another call.

Could you please hold?

Okay.

Yello?

Hey, brother.

Just wanted to call and make sure you can't come over and watch the game tonight.

Aw, no. So sorry.

I just got to the school.

I'm gonna be working here all night on the budget, like I thought.

I see. So you're still at the school right now?

Yeah. Yeah. It's a real pickle.

Every time I crunch the numbers, the budget's over by my exact salary.

Oh, well, that's a bummer.

Uh, good luck.

What the hell is going on?

I don't know.

Why do I suddenly feel like doing this?

Damn. I only had two glasses.

Hey, hurry up.

Hey.

Listen, I know you're mad that Clive wasn't at his mother's house...

And that she didn't bother answering the door when I rang.

And when I peeked in the window, she was in there jumping rope.

What?

Accordion leg, my ass.

I can faintly smell his cologne, but he's not here.

He lied to me, too? Why would he do that?

I don't know.

[Sighs] All right, come on. We should go.

Probably.

Although...

If we looked on his computer, that might tell us something.

He might have been abducted.

Yeah.

And he's trying to signal us without alerting his captors.

Sure. It would be irresponsible for us not to investigate.

And if we just happen to accidentally tap his mouse and his computer woke up...

All right, enough. Try the space bar.

What? He has a reservation for two for Bianco e Rosso?

He and I have eaten there. The bruschetta's amazing.

Yeah, I know. We had our first date...

Oh, my God.

Could he be on a date?

There's that feeling again.

[Grunts]

Sorry you had to miss your turn in the poetry slam to come over.

Well, you said it was an emergency.

I am disappointed no one got to hear my piece.

It's called "I'm Trapped in a Rapidly Filling Box."

Would you like to hear?

Okay, Brett and Christie will be here in a couple of hours.

We have to learn enough about "The Real Housewives" that I don't look like a big liar.

I've never seen "Housewives," but I've seen every single episode of "Hoarders."

Oh, no.

There are "Real Housewives" in nine different cities, eight seasons of each.

How are we going to learn all of this?

Hush! Hush!

The journey of a million miles can't begin, won't begin.

I'm trapped in a rapidly filling box.

That's good. Get this out now.

Okay, you know what...

There's no way we're gonna be able to learn all of this.

We have to work on our best-friend rapport. Right?

Brett and Christie know everything about each other.

So, I know that you are Allison.

Correct.

You are a lesbian [chuckles] and...

Now you go.

Your dream is to be the first openly gay Supreme Court Justice.

You want to travel the world, but you're afraid of planes because, like your mother, Eileen Mary Bridget O'Neal, you have control issues rooted in insecurity.

Also, you wear a size-eight shoe and secretly want to wear bow ties.

Mm-kay, how 'bout this?

I'm gonna call the potato chips "skibbles," and you're gonna pretend like you know what I'm talking about.

Deal.

Thank you so much for rescuing me from that disaster of a date.

You're so welcome.

But now we need a carpool fare.

So what exactly happened?

[Sighs] Kevin and I were ice skating, and he got all Tonya Harding on the rink manager when he told him he couldn't have snacks on the ice.

There he is.

Then he threw his nachos at the Zamboni driver.

Thanks.

Welcome... Richard.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

You've got a nacho in your...

There, now you're perfect. [Chuckles]

Well, thank you.

Don't you dare drop me off. I need this.

Yes, ma'am.

Jimmy, she's taking up valuable real estate.

I don't care.

If I can't find romance in this car, at least someone can.

And then when "Love Cab" becomes a movie, I will be played by Chris Pratt.

Oh, you wish.

Yes! Yes. Oh, my God.

Okay, let's play.

Okay. Let's play.

Oh, "Real Housewives" bingo is so much fun.

I'm glad I'm such a fan of the show or I'd find this really challenging and stressful.

Well, Jules just screamed "pre-nup," so that's a point.

Okay, well, the countess had on a chunky statement necklace, so take that, bitch.

Oh, boo. [Laughs]

Oh, Kenny, you forgot one.

Ramona threw her drink in someone's face.

Oh, of course. Good ol' Ramona.

She definitely doesn't look like all those other ladies.

Right, bitch?

Why are you being mean to me?

Okay, just, uh, pass me the skibbles, please.

The what?

Okay, never mind.

I cannot believe that Sonja slept with the countess's fiancé.

Like, how are they all still friends?

Well, we had sex, and we're still friends.

Huh, wait, what?

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I thought you knew.

Kenny, it was not a big deal.

Yeah, totally, it happened once forever ago, back when we were a couple.

You were a couple?

b*tches!

That's a real housewife would do it.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

He is on a date.

Hello, Clive.

Eileen.

What... What are you... what?

I'm not going to make a scene.

I just wanted to say that I've enjoyed our time together and I'm sorry that you felt the need to go behind my back and cheat on me with this whore.

This is the hostess, Melissa.

I was trying to get gum out of her hair.

Oh. [Chuckles]

I was wondering why there was no one up front.

And here I thought the kids throwing gum at my head was going to be the worst part of my shift.

So sorry I called you a whore, Melissa.

Try peanut butter.

Eileen, how could you ever think I would cheat on you?

I would never.

I don't know.

I wish I could say I was drunk, but Pat makes really weak margaritas.

Great bathroom soap.

[Sniffs] A whisper of geranium.

Oh, hey.

Eileen, this is the friend I am having dinner with... Marco.

Of course, you're just here with a friend.

Just?

You dirty, filthy cheater.

[Glass shatters]

Right?

Mm-hmm.

Ugh, I can't believe Brett and Christie had sex.

Would it make you feel better if we had sex?

No.

Thank God.

You don't look anything like Jennifer Lawrence.

God, I can't believe they slept together.

Now that I know they slept together, I feel even more left out.

You feel left out?

What about me?

I know.

I mean, they barely talked to you either.

I have never met anyone so inconsiderate.

Once I thought our friendship was indivisible, then I realized I was just invisible.

Are we doing this again?

It's called free-styling, bitch.

Since you started dating Brett, you ignore me unless you need something.

I gave up my slot in the third-most-popular 18-and-under lesbian poetry slam in the Edison Park area of Chicago for you.

And you didn't even thank me.

Allison, I... I didn't...

Forget it.

I'm out of here... in 15 minutes when my mom comes to get me.

Your hair looks clean.

Don't.

Okay.

After all we've been through, you bring Marco to our restaurant?

You know him?

Yeah, he's the manager at Clive's apartment complex.

I'm also a tenant.

You guys got to try this bruschetta.

It's amazing.

Both: Yeah, we know.

Now, wait, how did you even find me?

We came upon the reservation when we accidentally tapped the computer mouse in your office.

Hell's bells, does my privacy mean nothing to you two?

You lied about where you were.

We thought you'd been taken.

You see what they're doing? They're tearing me apart.

He wants a piece of me. She wants a piece of me.

I just want a piece of bruschetta.

Clive, what do we do when we get stressed?

We put on our emotional tool belt.

It's the only way we can build a house of trust.

I'm sorry. You're the manager of his apartment complex?

I also run the divorced-men support group at the Hazelwood.

I've been talking to Clive, trying to help him with his anxiety about this situation.

Oh, anxiety.

Oh, please, there's no situation.

Clive, tell him.

That's it.

Click.

I am stressed out of my mind with the two of you tearing me apart.

That is why I lied to you.

I know it's your first post-divorce anniversary.

If I went out with Eileen, you would be sending me sad texts all night long.

And if I went out with you, Eileen would be sending me threatening texts all night.

They're just emojis, Clive.

You don't need to be defensive, Eileen.

It's hard to build a house of trust on a foundation of fear.

Mm.

Can we be done with him now?

Marco, I think I got it from here.

We haven't gotten our entrees yet.

Don't make me take out my assertiveness wrench.

Wow. You're even holding it the right way.

You're ready. [Chuckles]

Fly.

Clive, I am so sorry we made you feel that way.

We didn't realize we were making you choose between us.

What could I do?

My bestie used to be married to my lover.

Don't say lover.

Don't say bestie.

It's not like the three of us could ever hang out together.

There's not a lot of divorced couples that want to be together in their spare time.

I don't know about that.

We had a pretty good time today...

Woke up, had our slawsages, started drinking.

Which led to a little light stalking and computer-hacking, and here we are.

There's no reason the three of us can't hang out together sometimes.

Yeah. Hey, we can be like a three-person couple.

A throuple.

If you must give it a name.

I must.

Hey, Melissa, two-thirds of this throuple need menus when you get a chance.

[Clears throat] She's giving us the finger.

Oh, no, I think that's actually just for me.

Richard: No way.

Jodi: Yes, every Christmas.

Okay, you're telling me you actually like classic action films?

All the "Lethal Weapons."

Yeah.

All the "Die Hards."

Sure.

Anything before Mel Gibson went crazy, and when...

Both: Bruce Willis had hair.

[Laughs] Oh!

You... You are like the ideal woman.

I have been trying to tell people that.

It's true.

This is going to be a pivotal scene in "Love Cab."

Too funny.

Huh, you know, I don't think I've ever taken this way home before.

Well, Richard, I like my passengers to experience new parts of the city.

On our left is a gas station.

And on our right is a man yelling at a garbage can on fire.

[Laughs]

Right.

Well, it does seem like it's a little out of the way.

Not that I mind being stuck in the car with such a lovely lady.

Seriously, could you hop on the freeway or something?

Because I'm supposed to be meeting my fiancée for dinner.

Oh.

Yeah, she is tough.

You're engaged?

Yeah.

Jimmy, pull over.

[Screaming]

Got it! Hey, hey!

[Tires squeal]

Get out.

Really?

I think it's for the best, Richard.

♪ You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain ♪

But I don't even know where I am!

Why don't you have your fiancée pick you up, you tease?!

Do you think he's gonna be okay?

It's really cold out there.

It sounds like a Richard problem.

That is so sweet, you guys. Thank you.

Don't worry, Aunt Jodi.

We'll find you someone much better.

Yes, we will.

Now let's put this Love Cab into hyperdrive.

I just pressed the lighter, so please be careful when it pops out.

Thank you.

Are you sure you don't want to wait inside?

Yes, and I don't want to talk.

My mom will be here any minute.

Okay.

But you forgot your bag.

And your coat.

And your keys and your phone and your hat.

I can get my scarf another time.

Hey.

Hey. You're back.

Yeah, I dropped Christie off and came back.

Couldn't stand you being mad at me.

Plus my mom's bridge club was four bottles in and they started re-enacting scenes from "The Good Wife."

Oh.

Yeah.

I cannot believe you didn't tell me that you lost your virginity to Christie.

I should have told you.

But I didn't want you to think that what we have isn't special because it is.

I've never felt this way about anyone before.

Really?

Really.

Me neither.

Anyway, I was hoping we could hang out tonight.

I would love to.

But... I was actually hoping to hang out with Allison tonight and watch "Hoarders," if she'll have me.

She's listening.

I wouldn't blame her if she said no.

I've been a real jerk.

I tried to make her into my fruit fly, but she's more than a fly in the sky to eye, she's super fly.

I have no idea what's going on.

Yeah. It's sort of our thing.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow, then.

Absolutely.

Allison.

[Sighs]

I am really, really sorry that I took you for granted, Allison Meredith Adler-Wong, especially 'cause you're such a good person.

You're an organ donor.

You have perfect vision.

You're a Costco executive member.

You went through my wallet, didn't you?

I did.

It's a start.

It's a start.

I'll get the skibbles.

And I'll turn on "Hoarders."

I hear it's rat week.

Every week's rat week.

Oh.

If I'm going to be driving annoying people like this around, I'm gonna need more than our 50-50 split.

Fine. 60-40.

Huh, deal.

You know you're the 40, right?

Oh.

[Laughter]

Lightweights.

All right, from now on, every Thursday is Throuple Thursday.

Yes.

Oh, let's go back to the tiny house for more margaritas and Jenga.

Okay, but this time I'm making the margarita, 'cause yours are for little girls.

I'm in.

[Laughter]

This is not what the Love Cab is for.

Suck it up. We're surge-pricing.