02x13 - The Real Confirmation

Kenny: Friday dinner out is a tradition my parents never believed in.

But Shannon's finally getting confirmed on Sunday, which means my mom has set the dining-room table and the kitchen is off-limits.

Now, I know I told you that your Confirmation could be on your terms, but I have decided that your wardrobe is still up to me.

Please don't make me wear some little-girl dress that I hate.

Oh, but it's adorable!

And I got matching pocket squares for your brothers.

Mm, I'm gonna need to see swatches, but you have my attention.

I would like to dress myself.

Really?

Actually, no, I trust you.

I just want us all to look perfect... all of us sitting there as a family in the front pew.

That is the last thing I ask of you people.

Okay, if you promise I have total control over everything else.

Okay, fine. Yes. I promise.

Great, because I fired Uncle Brendan as my godfather.

What?

But he's your Confirmation sponsor.

He's also a dud.

Hey. My brother's not a dud.

He lives off the grid.

In a yurt.

His best friend is a wolf.

Okay, he's a dud.

But I was arguing for him.

I just don't feel comfortable saddling Aunt Jodi with a godpartner who's so far beneath her... or me, so I fired him.

You can't fire a godparent.

That's true.

He received his emotional severance in Bitcoin, as requested.

Besides, I already have someone in mind to take his place.

Okay. Honey, we've talked about this.

Alan Greenspan is not gonna answer your e-mails.

That is the hottest woman I've ever seen.

[Gasps] Oh, my God! That's not a woman!

That's our old babysitter!

Yeah, it's Heather!

Oh!

[Laughing] Hey!

Oh, hi, Heather. Nice to see you.

Yeah. When... When'd you get back into town?

Last week. Finally finished my PhD.

Oh!

Congrats.

Thanks. Hey, Jimmy.

[Chuckles] It's "James," now. Has been for a while.

This pizza is tre formaggi.

Care for a slice?

Careful. It's hot.

Ohh! Ow! Balls on fire!

[High-pitched] Balls on fire!

Mm.

Do you plan on putting the food out a day early, too?

Mm, I thought about it, but this isn't France, so the eggs stay in the fridge where they belong.

Okay. I have an idea that would make Shannon's Confirmation even better.

Is it those top hats that say "Confirmaniac"?

'Cause the party store ran out.

No.

Oh.

Brett as my date to Shannon's Confirmation.

Not happening.

Let me guess... You still can't handle the fact that I have a boyfriend.

That's not what this is about.

This is about Brett not belonging in the front pew.

That's for family.

Aunt Jodi always gets to bring a date to these things.

Not this time.

Need I remind you of the fortune in photoshopping it cost to replace all of her bad dates with a Ficus in past Confirmation photos?

Okay. What about VP Murray? Aren't you bringing him?

No, I'm not.

You know, we're seeing each other, and that's nice, but he doesn't belong in the family pew yet.

Things are a lot more complicated than they were when you got confirmed, okay, and your sister's already given me enough of a hard time, so this conversation's over.

I'll tell you what's over... symmetry of this table.

[Laughs]

No.

[Sighs]

I know the last time you saw me I was 12 and 2 months and 4 days, but I shave now... everywhere.

[Laughs]

So, you built all this?

Sure did. Okay. Wait for it...

[Creaking]

And voilà!

It's pretty cool, right?

I knew some guys at Northwestern that would have loved this.

Northwestern?

Yeah.

That's cool. I party there.

You do?

Yeah.

That's very mature of you.

I'm very mature.

Other mature things I do are not chase the pigeons in the park and correctly pronounce the word "Acetaminophen."

Oh, and I... I win a boatload of wrestling trophies.

You want to see them?

Sure.

Okay, I'll be right back!

Okay.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Jimmy.

Oh. Hey!

Oh, hi.

Jimmy was just showing me around.

Oh. Sure is nice of him.

Yeah.

Seems like just yesterday I was stopping him from bringing a hair dryer into the bathtub.

[Laughs] Well, for me it was just yesterday.

It's really cool that you let him build this place for himself.

Oh, this is, uh, actually my place.

Eileen and I got a divorce, so I live here now.

I'm sorry. I-I-I didn't know.

We are very much divorced.

Yeah. Eileen's actually already in a relationshi...

Mm.

What was that for?

For the crush I've had since I was 17.

Spoiler alert... [Whispers] I'm not 17 anymore.

[Trophies clatter]

Jimmy. Oh, no.

And no.

So, Party Vault also didn't have the top hats you wanted, but they did have this.

Oh, Clive. A Jesus piñata?

Don't you think the poor man's been through enough?

Well, you don't have to hit him.

You just twist the sandal and the candy falls out.

Vice Principal Murray...

Just the man I wanted to see in my kitchen.

I have a question for you.

Well, if it has to do with "Star Wars" or bird calls, I'm your man.

Well, actually, only North American bird calls.

I-I get a little confused...

Would you be willing to be my new godfather?

What?!

Wow!

Wow, wow, wowzers. So many emotions.

Um, I'm honored. I'm touched.

I'm a little dry-mouthed for some reason.

Uh, but [clears throat] I guess it depends on what your mom thinks.

Your mom thinks she'd like to have a word with her daughter in the other room.

[Snaps fingers]

[Clicks tongue]

Clive cannot be your godfather.

Okay, well, I swear on the hidden cameras that may or may not be recording this conversation that my motives are pure.

So, you're saying you're okay with Clive being in your life forever.

Yes, I am.

But it seems like you're not.

Okay, I am not prepared to be making this decision right now, and I'm not gonna have some stupid Confirmation force my hand.

And by "stupid", I mean "big and meaningful."

So sorry to rush you.

I actually left my car on, uh, not sure why.

So, am I in?

Yeah, Mom. Are you on board with your long-term boyfriend, my vice principal, taking on such an important role in my life?

Wow. When you put it that way, I can't not not say no. [Chuckles]

I'm hearing a lot of double negatives, and I'm not sure what's going on.

You're in.

Wow!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go try and return a blasphemous piñata to Party Vault.

I'll stop by your office later to work out the logistics.

Thank you for taking this chance.

I can almost promise you, I will let you down.

She just doesn't want the whole congregation seeing that we're dating.

She cares more about appearances than her own son.

Come on. The gay thing can be really hard for some parents.

Not yours. I mean, they're members of PFLAG.

They have a rainbow banner outside their house.

My mom adjusted the parental controls on our TV to block musicals.

I think you're being a little unfair.

She's unfair.

I mean, you're an important part of my life now, and she needs to accept that.

And that's exactly what I told her in a very strongly worded e-mail that's currently in my drafts folder.

[Chuckles] Aww.

You were standing up for me?

That's really sweet.

I love you, Kenny O'Neal.

What did he just say?

Got to go. See ya.

What?

"Got to go"?

Who says "I love you" and then "Got to go"?

My father.

Oh.

Brett said, "I love you."

[Scoffs] Heather was about to say, "I love you," and now she's just gonna be saying, "I love being your stepmom."

But it's too soon. It's too soon for "I love you."

I mean, I really like Brett, but I don't know if I love him yet.

And love leads to commitment, and commitment leads to marriage, and marriage leads to living with one man for the rest of your life, which leads to...

Oh, God.

Am I settling?

[Police siren wails]

This program just gets better and better.

Keep your track suit on. It's "Blue Bloods."

Again.

Yes, but it's Bogart's favorite.

Oh. Bread basket?

We can be fat now that we're in love.

You keep saying that.

[Doorbell rings, dogs barking]

Excuse me.

[Barking continues]

Hey, Kenny.

Jordin Sparks?

Jordin Sparks is at my house!

How did you get here?

In a jet.

Okay, so I am throwing this party, and I thought it would be, you know, really cool to invite some cool young people to it, but, I mean, I can see you're old and in a very committed relationship, so...

So I'm gonna sing my karaoke duets with somebody else.

What? No, no, no.

Jordin Sparks, I have a beautiful voice.

Ohh. I mean, I think at some point in your life, but not anymore.

But if I'm so old, how are you still so young?

It's 2019.

It's only been two years since Brett said, "I love you."

Two years?

I look like this after two years?

That's what love does.

It takes your hair and your joy.

My precious bangs!

Noooooooo!

Oh, thank God.

This looks horrible.

Why don't they make invisible tape?

They do. It's called glue.

Hm.

[Cellphone rings]

Oh, no. It's Brett.

Hmm. What do I do?

You just answer it.

I can't! There's something wrong with my phone!

You are terrifying when you're in a relationship.

So...

Aah!

...here's why I called you to your office.

You've reconsidered. You don't want me to be your godfather.

That's a wise choice.

No, you're still in. Sit.

Hmm.

Here's the deal...

Everyone getting confirmed has to write an essay about their spiritual journey, but Father Phil refuses to approve mine.

Too many cuss words? Did you go blue?

No. I refer to God as female.

I always had a hard time relating to a higher power until I realized "He" can be a "She."

And I wanted other people to know they could see God however they want, too, but Father Phil doesn't think that's kosher, and he won't confirm me unless I change every "She" to a "He."

So, you need to borrow some Wite-Out?

Because I have many shades.

No. I'm not changing anything.

This is my Confirmation, and it has to mean something to me.

That is why I need you... to talk to Father Phil.

Me?

You have pull with him, right?

Push. Pull.

I mean, who's to say what we have.

Words cannot really describe our relationship.

Then go talk to him and change his mind.

You can do it.

I believe in you, Godfather.

Don't be a Fredo.

What happens to Fredo?

Hey, Jimmy.

Can we talk, please?

I was just taking the garbage out.

Unless you wanted to steal that from me, too.

Well, I do, but only because it's leaking all over your sneakers.

[Grunts] Come on!

Here.

[Sighs]

Look, son, I obviously did not mean to get in the way of your little crush.

It wasn't a little crush, Dad.

I was about to get Heather in the back seat of my car, in her bra.

[Sighs] She's too old for you.

And she's too young for me, so let's just move on.

I can't do that, Dad.

She was my first crush, and I always imagined that when I was old enough that we would run into each other on the street and we would go and see "Titanic 3" together.

And then we would discuss how much we loved it over espresso.

But now that's never gonna happen.

Our love has less of a chance of surviving than... than... than the robots aboard "Titanic 3."

[Sighs]

They're never gonna make "Titanic 3."

[Sighs]

So?

Aah!

What did Father Phil say?

Uh, well, full disclosure...

The reason I'm in his office so much is because he keeps butterscotches on his desk.

I mean, the bowl is always full.

But I explained your predicament to him, and I have some very good news.

I can get confirmed?

Yep. Yes, sirree. 100%.

I mean, your essay won't get printed in the program, uh, but you're totally gonna get confirmed.

What? That sucks.

Everyone else's stupid essays aren't about anything while mine is actually about something.

It means a lot to me.

You want to rehire your wolf uncle?

[Sighs]

I can help you find him.

I have access to the dark web, and I can speak to eagles.

I appreciate you coming back, Heather.

I know this may sound like a weird request...

I like weird. I am all about the weird.

Okay, listen, I am very flattered by your attention.

Oh.

But the reason I asked you here was to see if there is any chance that you would go and grab a coffee with Jimmy.

It would really mean a lot to him.

And if a robot-boat movie comes up, just go with it.

Would it mean a lot to you?

Yes. It would.

J-Jimmy's just such a sensitive boy, and it's my job...

Aww.

Well, I've decided to forgive you.

What? Again?

No. Jimmy, it is not what it looks like!

Not yet it's not.

You need to leave. Go.

I'm calling your mother.

[Knock on door]

Brett: Kenny.

Hey.

Hey.

[Chuckles] Sorry. I went and answered the back door.

Sometimes I don't know where sound's coming from.

I've been calling you.

You have? Yeah. Sorry.

I've been helping my mom with my sister's Confirmation.

So far we've confirmed that we can't do a thing with her hair.

It's okay. Uh, maybe we can talk for just a minute.

T-Totally.

But not without hot cocoa made from scratch with real chocolate shavings.

Okay? Wait here.

I'll be back in 10 to 40 minutes.

But...

But why can't I bring a date?

I think you'd really like Basil.

He has a subscription to ancestry.com.

Oh, why does everyone want to bring a date?

It's just a young girl's Confirmation.

It's not the prom.

But you're bringing Clive.

Only in an official capacity as Shannon's godfather, not as my date.

"Shannon's godfather"?

What happened to Brendan?

[Draw opens]

She fired him and hired Clive.

What are you looking for?

An excuse not to talk to Brett right now.

I didn't realize things had gotten so serious with you two.

Both: Nothing is so serious with us two.

What is happening?

We are arranging flowers for Shannon's Confirmation brunch, okay?

That's what's happening.

And the hydrangeas are helping the carnations pop, okay?

[Groans]

Good God, parenting is hard.

I'm sorry. What... What did you say?

You're not a parent.

No, I said, "Good godparenting is hard."

It's hard to be a good godparent.

And it's a big deal.

That's what I said.

You know what? You zip it.

And, you, just emphasize the right words.

I'm sorry. It's just... I really need to talk to you.

Wait. That wasn't right.

[Microwave beeping]

I really need to talk to you.

You're in my head.

[Microwave whirrs]

You know, just clean these.

Hey, Kenny, can we please just talk?

Uh, talk about cocoa?

It was invented by the Mayans.

[Chuckles] Look, I-I realize you're freaking out because I said, "I love you," and I did notice you didn't say it back.

You did?

I did.

But I don't...

[Microwave dings]

Oh. Chocolate's ready.

Only eight more steps to cocoa.

Hey, there, godfather. [Laughs]

Shannon just told me the news.

You're gonna be a part of this family forever now, huh?

That's a pretty big deal.

It is not a big deal!

It is just a young girl's Confirmation.

You know what? Let's just throw a frickin' party.

Okay? You can bring a date.

Yay!

And you can bring a date.

No.

Anyone who wants to can bring a date!

Oh. Some of us don't have dates, because their father crushes their dreams with his tongue.

Oh, Jimmy, come on. Wait. Are you okay?

No!

Wait.

"No"? You don't want me there?

No, um, I do want you there.

I totally want you there.

I want you there, because...

No, don't say it. You don't mean it.

Don't say it.

...I love you.

Damn it, Kenny.

What is the point of having voices in your head if you don't listen to them?

[Dog barks in distance]

Why are you up?

I'm trying to make this table look perfect, but this vase looks stupid wherever I put it.

Why are you up?

Same reason.

I could hear this vase being stupid in my sleep.

[Sighs]

So, what's going on?

You and VP Murray seem even more awkward than usual.

We're just at that point in every relationship where, you know, you freak out a little 'cause the person you're casually dating is gonna spiritually connected to your family for all of eternity.

I can see how that would be stressful.

Mm.

What about you and Brett?

You know, we're just at that point where he tells me he loves me, and then I freak out and avoid him and then tell him I love him even though I don't know how I feel.

Do you ever miss those times back when we used to hide all our secrets and swallow our feelings?

So much.

Mm.

What do I tell him?

[Sighs]

I like him, I really, really do, but I don't think I love him yet, and I hate that I said that I did.

Well, I think you should say exactly that.

You know, there's a lot of love in it, even if it doesn't have "I love you."

[Sighs] Thank you.

You're welcome.

Do you want to go clean the oven?

I would really like that.

Me too.

[Indistinct conversations]

Did she die?

Oh, so sad.

Due to a clerical error, we left one essay out.

[Sighs]

What did you do?

What did you do?

Father Phil said we couldn't print Shannon's essay in the program, but he never said [Whispers] we couldn't just stuff it in.

God is not a woman sitting at a typewriter wearing an A-line skirt and sensible boots.

[Normal voice] I hear that.

But just for the record, [Whispers] I always thought God was a woman, too, who looked a lot or exactly like Bea Arthur.

I knew you were up to something.

It's correct to always assume that.

So, what are we gonna do when Father Phil finds out?

[Normal voice] Just play dumb.

I've already laid the groundwork for it.

You are one badass godfather.

Mm.

She just kissed you.

I know.

Last time I was called a badass was by my doctor who said I physically have a bad ass.

Clive, I owe you a huge apology.

For what?

Well, I've been so concerned about this Confirmation...

Who could be here and why... that I missed out on seeing what a wonderful godfather you're being.

No one is more surprised than me that I came through for her.

So, how many of these did you hand out?

200.

Oh.

Well, we have to get them all back.

God is a man.

On it like a bonnet.

May I have that, please? Thank you. I'll take that.

And my third time on the site, I discover I'm an eighth Swedish, which makes me Swede-ish.

That's a joke.

[Laughs]

[Whispers] Kill him. Or me.

Hey, buddy.

Now, I know you're disappointed with the way things turned out with Heather, and I'm sorry that she got between us, but... look who I found.

Miss Short? What are you doing here?

Your dad said you were missing your old babysitter and that brunch was being served.

[Chuckles]

Did you really think this would make me forget about what happened?

I was hoping.

Yeah, well... you were right.

Miss Short, I have had such a bad week.

Oh, sweetheart.

Do you still like grapes cut in half?

Very much.

[Gasps]

[Giggles]

Mmm.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Hey.

Hey.

I brought a gift. Is that weird?

No. Great wrapping job.

Uh, look, I have to talk to you.

Okay.

Yesterday you said, "I love you," which... which was so incredible to hear.

And then I said it back, which wasn't... entirely true.

Okay.

Because while I feel so many amazing things for you, love just isn't one of them yet.

I knew you were freaking out. I...

No, it's just you're my first boyfriend, and I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling or how fast I'm supposed to be feeling it.

I just...

I don't want to screw this up.

Can you forgive me?

Yeah. Sure.

Or maybe we should hit the pause button.

What? No. Brett, that is not...

Tell Shannon I said congratulations.

You okay?

I don't think so.

Come on.

[Organ playing]

According to Catholic doctrine, the sacrament of Confirmation strengthens our bond with the church.

It can also remind us how strong that bond already is...

...how quickly that bond can be made...

...or broken or...

Well, I don't know what this is exactly, but it's a bond.

Which just leaves me alone again with my family.

Well, maybe not so alone after all.

[Sighs]

Oh. My. Gosh.

All that hard work.

I mean, they didn't even use the tongs.

Like, what... what is the point?

Animals.

I'm gonna go get a trash bag. [Sighs]

These are delish.

Thanks, Jesus.

Mm-hmm. How you doing, Kenny?

[Sighs] I've had better days.

Thank you for showing up for me.

Well, I'm not here for you.

I'm here for that thing.

You know, just 'cause they sell it doesn't mean you have to buy it.

It has a three-day return policy.

So did I.

Ooh! Resurrection humor. Nice one, Jesus.

Ah, I needed that.

Well, if you can't laugh at yourself...

[Both imitate explosion]

[Both laugh]