01x05 - Blood Feud

[bunniefuu]

[music]

[grunts]

[beeps]

This new wing will increase my velocity by 30%?

Of course it will, I invented it.

[growls]

What is it?

Some dead man took all the peanut butter!

What care I for the butter of peanuts?

[sips]

[roars]

[grunts]

Mmm. Peanut butter.

[grunts]

Take him.

Little late for the cleaning crew, ain't it?

Cap, heads up!

Missed.

I never miss.

[alarms wail]

[ground rumbles]

[grunts]

You rang?

You know, Hulk, when I built this place, I designed it with doors.

You're right, doors are so overrated.

Falcon: They don't have any heat signatures. And, no pulses.

It can't be.

[growls]

[grunts]

They ain't puny humans.

Iron Man, the tower has UV light frequencies built in, right?

Yeah, but...

Fire them up!

Okay. Weird, but okay.

[creatures hiss]

[screams]

What just happened?

Vampires.

Uh, you gotta be kidding me.

[pants]

[gasps]

Black Widow?

[strains]

Man: Good evening, Captain America.

It has been a long time.

I send this female with a message.

I offer you her life in exchange for yours.

[groans]

Tell me Widow has a creepy voice power I never knew about.

That was Dracula.

[title anthem]

Black Widow is a vampire?

No, not yet. She's still in the early stages.

Dracula's hold on her isn't complete.

She's going to get worse, way worse, but...

We still have a chance to save her if we act quickly.

Look, maybe I'll buy that there are such things as vampires.

Big maybe. But Count Dracula? Come on.

We're talking the, "I vant to drink your blood," guy, right?

Not Count, just Dracula.

He finds Count insulting, since he's King of the vampire nation.

Well, great. Let me know when Frankenstein's monster and the Wolf Man show.

Don't mock. There's often truth in myth.

Wasn't I a myth until you met me?

But Hawkeye's got a point.

Thor, your powers seem like magic to people on Earth, but it's simply Asgardian science.

There must be some kind of scientific explanation for these so-called vampires.

[yells]

[grunts]

[cries out]

Odin's beard!

[yells]

Mjolnir, to me!

[grunts]

She's fighting at a whole new level. It's like she's a...

A vampire, like I said.

Why did she run into a mirror?

She couldn't see her reflection.

Falcon: Just like in the movies.

[scan whirs]

Okay, I've used her biometrics to get into her personal shield file.

Falcon: She was following a lead on the Red Skull in Transylvania?

That's it. Now, if we want to cure her, we need to find the vampire who turned her into this and force him to release her.

Not so fast, Cap. If Skull is involved, this is probably M.O.D.O.K.'s brain-switching machine, or a form of hypnotism.

I just need...

Tony, we are wasting time!

We need to get to Transylvania.

A little faith, Rogers.

If there's a way to cure Widow, I can do it here.

Jarvis: Error, sir.

[electricity sizzles]

What's your tech telling you now?

That we should go to Transylvania?

Falcon: What are you loading up there?

Silver-plated strike discs. Tools to deal with Dracula's troops.

Can't Hulk just smash them?

He can knock them down, but they won't stop.

All right, Van Helsing, you want to tell us why you're such an expert on vampires?

During the w*r, Dracula and our country were uneasy allies.

HYDRA was trying to inv*de Transylvania.

Dracula was protecting his land.

The enemy of my enemy sort of thing.

Thor: But why is he after you now?

Dracula is a king. He takes what he wants.

I must have something he wants.

And you don't know what that is?

[whimpering]

No, but finding that out is our only chance to save Widow.

Relax, people. You're all acting like you're in the middle of a horror movie.

We just need to break into his castle and find out what Dracula is using on her.

Nanotech, maybe? I just can't see it, yet.

Really? Wooden stake arrows?

Why not?

I am uneasy, Captain. This smells of a trap.

Captain America: No kidding.

What is the status?

The Avengers approach my kingdom.

The soldier is with them.

Just as we predicted.

Follow the plan and I promise you will get what has been denied to you for thousands of years.

[music]

[thunder cracking]

What, is it always nighttime here?

Dracula: Yes, bowman, my kingdom lives in eternal night.

Good evening, Avengers. I see you received my... invitation.

So, Captain, my offer. Your life for the woman's.

Are you willing to accept?

Hmm... Wow. You need new head-sh*ts, Drac.

You look nothing like your pictures.

Captain America: Don't!

Hawkeye: Well, that was easy.

You have no idea what you've started.

Or finished?

[grunts]

Because of our history, Captain, I was going to make this as painless as possible. I see that my mercy is not wanted.

[thunder cracking]

Destroy them all.

[vampires hiss]

I hate to think I was wasting all that stake carving time!

Jarvis, what am I looking at here?

Jarvis: It appears that the vampire genetic structure can reconstitute itself. They do not take on damage the same way as you.

After careful analysis, sir, it is my conclusion that you are down in trouble town.

Thanks for the color play, Jarvis.

All right, guys, let's hit them with everything we got and a little more.

We'll figure out how to make ipermanent later.

[vampires hiss]

You over-think, Stark. Just smash!

[grunts]

[all hiss]

A whip? Gonna have to go higher tech than that.

[snarls]

That's not normal.

[strains]

Get to the entrance!

Right behind you, Cap.

[vampires hiss]

[grunts]

Wooden stake arrows work.

I like when Iron Man's wrong.

[growls]

[laughs]

[roars]

Come, demons. I could do this all night!

You may have to. They just keep coming.

This tech is amazing. It's like it's alive.

Alive? That's it! Non-genetic biodrivers.

This isn't magic, it's a form of biotech. There!

They use blood to transfer data.

Piggy-backing program commands through the white cells.

I just have to hack these sequence codes before Widow becomes a full-fledged vampire.

I already know how to get Widow back.

Hulk, Thor, cover this entrance.

Falcon, Hawkeye, around me. Hulk, make me a hole.

Hulk: Hole!

Dracula's chambers are in the North tower.

How do you do that?

Furthest from the sun.

I was just about to say that.

Black Widow: Falcon! Falcon, help me please.

Guys?

Black Widow: Please, hurry.

[footsteps approach]

Widow? You okay?

[snarls]

[bell rings]

[cries out]

[laughs]

The sonic navigation units that run your armor make you vulnerable.

[strains]

Great job as an Avenger, Wilson.

Hawkeye: Back away, Natasha.

He may be a noob, but he's our noob.

Clint? Help me. Dracula's controlling me.

I can't stop him.

No, fight it.

[grunts]

The Avenger's compassion will always be their weakness.

Will more innocents suffer before you give me what I want?

What do you say, my Captain?

Put them down. I'll come with you.

I knew you wouldn't disappoint.

[vampires hiss]

[growls]

Vampires are cowards.

Indeed. Their strike and retreat tactics lack honor.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Probably not, blondie. Just smash!

[roars]

[yells]

[vampires hiss]

Guess lighting works as good as sunlight.

Jarvis: Sir, the hack codes for Black Widow's blood are ready.

What took you so long?

I cross-referenced her blood with the other avengers and something alarming came up.

[shrieks]

Define alarming.

Ladies, please.

Jarvis: It concerns Captain America.

Why are you doing this? We were allies.

I have a new enemy.

Okay, we've had common enemies before.

The Avengers can...

My enemy is humanity!

[both grunt]

There are more of you humans every century.

My kingdom is threatened.

I can no longer hide in the shadows of rumor and myth.

I am at w*r!

Release the Widow, then we can talk.

[laughs]

You are in no position to make demands.

I have recently learned that the super soldier serum coursing through your veins can cure me of my one and only weakness.

Let me guess. Red Skull?

But you were at w*r with him. How could you?

These are strange times, Captain.

[roars]

[hisses]

You know you can't trust the Skull.

Of course I can't trust him, that's why I'm using him.

With your blood in my veins, I will be able to destroy HYDRA, the Avengers, anyone who dares stand in my way.

[grunts]

[gasps]

Huh?

[grunts]

With your blood, Captain, I will walk again in the daylight.

Finally.

[rumbling]

Hulk...

Like you need to tell me!

Iron Man: Not even Dracula can handle a Hulk. Right?

[Dracula coughs]

[grunts]

[strains]

[roars]

That doesn't look good.

[growls]

That looks worse.

[roars]

sl*ve, finish the Avengers.

[stammering] Yes, master.

Hey, big guy.

Hey I'll, I'll replace the peanut butter. [timidly laughs]

That was you? [Hulk roars]

[groans]

Incredible. He is even stronger than before.

[Dracula laughs]

Tony, we're losing her!

Dracula: Black Widow is the least of your worries, Captain America.

Now, that I have the power of the Hulk, there is nothing to stop me from getting your blood.

[laughs]

[grunts]

[strains]

[Dracula cries out]

[strains]

What's happening?

[gags]

Jarvis: Sir, Hulk's blood is attacking Dracula's blood.

[computer whirs]

That's it, the gamma rays.

Hulk's gamma-energized blood has a similar ionizing property to solar radiation.

English, please.

Hulk's blood is kind of like sunlight.

Thank you. Is there a plan in there somewhere?

Yeah, we make him madder.

I am an expert at that.

Strike and retreat. Ha! He hates it.

Hawkeye: You sure about that?

Cause I spend a lot of time making sure he doesn't get mad.

Gamma levels up high enough, they'll burn out the Dracu-cells. I think.

Good. That's the idea. [computer whirs]

But it's not enough! Come on, people!

We need him angrier! Angrier!

[growls]

This way, you oaf!

[thunder crashes]

[roars]

Over here!

sl*ve, no!

[hisses]

[growls]

I hope that's angry enough.

I hope it's not.

Iron Man: His blood cells are like millions of tiny suns, burning away the vampire infection.

[strains]

Come on, big green. You can do it.

[groans]

[groans]

Is he dead?

Wait for it.

[snores]

He purged himself? That's... that's impossible.

[roars]

No. That's the Hulk.

I was so close. So close!

Release the Widow.

Away from me!

Let her go, or digesting gamma radiation will be the least painful moment of your day.

[ground rumbles]

Huh?

This is not over! You have won nothing, Avengers.

The Widow is mine. She will be mine forever!

You're coming with us, Nat, we're going to save you. Right?

Falcon: Uh, who's going to wake up the Hulk?

No time for questions.

This is a synthesized version of Hulk's blood.

It will burn out the vampire virus and cure her.

No chance she'll, you know, turn green or something?

Of course not. Right, Tony?

Right. I mean, probably not, no.

Hopefully not. I don't know.

Let's find out.

[vampires hiss]

Dracula: Let him pass.

Be honored. I show few my moments of weakness.

Your present state, your highness, is not your fault but that of the Avengers.

You came to point out my humiliation to those mortals?

Be careful, Skull.

No. I came to offer you a seat on my cabal.

A powerful consortium devoted to the thing you also seek.

What, pray tell, do you believe I seek?

Revenge.

I am listening.

[moans]

Where am I?

It's kind of a long story.

I remember Red Skull and Dracula, he bit...

[gasps] Am I a vampire?

You got better.

[sniffs]

What is that awful smell?

Just in case Stark's tech wasn't as good as he thought it was.

Do you have a wooden stake ready too, just in case?

[chuckles]

What do you take me for?