01x14 - Dead Me

[bunniefuu]

Sorry, babe.

Ugh! Janet kept me late again.

Can we still make our dinner reservation?

Oh, no. I don't think so, sweetie.

It's 4:00 A.M. wow.

What... why are your pants on inside-out?

Oh. I caught that mid-day, but I was too busy to fix it.

Babe, this is the third date night in a row you've missed.

I know, I'm sorry. It's just that we're redoing the entire place.

I mean, you don't just snap your fingers and create a stunning yet understated European-style hotel with rooftop vodka bar, smoking grotto, and clothing optional spa.

Jugs.

It's just... this job is a lot.

No, I get it. You know, that's the beauty of my new job.

Punch in at 10:00, I crunch some numbers, I'm home by 5:00, you know? Do I know what I'm crunching?

No. You know, should I have been there at 9:00?

[Chuckles] Probably.

But, it's all chell.

Chell?

Yeah, chell.

It's a cheller way of saying "chill."

Oh.

Babe, work is supposed to be something you don't care about, that ends early enough so you can get home and just...

Chell?

Yeah, now we're cooking with jazz.

But I don't want to chell, babe.

I mean, I have aspirations and dreams, and if it means I have to work till 4:00 A.M., so be it.

You know what?

That's what makes us tick. Right?

You live to work, I work to live, you know?

But together, we... lurk to wiv.

We're... oh, I had it, I had it, I had it. I lost it.

The point is, is I just want to hang out with you.

Me too. But hey, date night doesn't have to be over.

We still have plenty of time to...

[Cell phone ringing] Crap.

What? Oh, no. There's always time to crap.

No. It's Janet. I got to...

No. No, no, no. No. It is date night.

Or morning, okay?

So, now I'm going to reheat that tub, skim the hair off the top, and put on the sleepless in Seattle soundtrack.

Deal. [Phone ringing]

Oh, my god. The landline.

Wait. We have a landline?

I always thought that was a hipster cookie jar.

I got to answer it. It's Janet.

No.

You're right. You're right.

You're right. Date morning.

You go do that weird tub stuff, and I will open up a bottle of wine.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

[Laughs] Bip. [Jazz music plays]

Ooh.

Ahh.

[Snaps fingers]

Yes.

Careful.

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.

Are you... just walk in.

I'm just gonna go.

Okay.

Careful.

[Knock at door]

Janet, what are you doing here?

Annie, I need you.

All the work you did caught on fire.

What?

Well, not really.

But it was so bad I should have b*rned it.

Come on. We gotta go to the fabric mart.

It about to open. If I lose any more chiffon to gay Tony, I'm going to, uh, freak, uh!

What day...

Come on, let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, uh, Annie, I found a snake in the bathroom, but, um, he seems pretty friendly.

[Chuckles] Annie?

Singer: [Whistling]

♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ hey ♪
♪ can't hold me back ♪
♪ can't hold me back from you ♪

Mmm. I'm sorry, but this card is also declined.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Really? Okay, how about... ew.

Give that one the old college try.

Declined.

Ah!

Oh, Jake. don't worry about it, buddy.

We'll wait while you call your bank.

You know, if I don't keep switching this damn thing from pocket to pocket, my back starts scoliosin' something fierce.

So, Kay, I don't get it.

You brought us here to meet some girl?

I thought you were dating Hailey?

I am. Which is why I need to break it off with all these side salads I've been nibbling on.

I wanted you guys here in case she flips out.

When you take the Kay away, they go a little cray.

Human operator. Human.

Human.

Oh, my god, there she is.

Act like you're asleep. Oh, that won't do anything.

Brianna!

Hey.

I am so glad that you ca... Who the hell is this?

Just a friend. Not gay.

Well then, who's that lesbian on the phone over there?

Oh, that's just Jake. Although, he does have a bit of a Rachel maddow vibe cooking today.

Cool. Cool. Cool.

I think... that was mine.

Okay. All right. Oh, perfect.

Well, thank you so much. All right, bye.

Well, my identity's been stolen.

Damn it.

Why would anyone want to be you? No offense.

How... how would I not be offended by that?

Now I gotta restore my credit, unfreeze my bank account.

My yogurtland punch card is probably invalid.

I could fix that all for you.

You can?

I don't know.

Did I hack the network firewall for Chicago one bank in under ten minutes? [Chuckles]

[Chuckles] I-I don't know.

Did you?

Depends. Who's asking?

You.

You're asking.

Yeah. I'm a programmer.

I can do anything in three keystrokes.

Both: Mmm.

Listen, girl, we need to talk.

Oh, about you clearing up my identity.

Preferably before giving or receiving any big relationship news.

Yeah. Anything for a friend of my little Kay.

I'd take a freight train to the face for you, baby.

Oh, that's sweet. Right, Kay?

Fine.

Okay. Okay.

[Laughter] - Oh, my god.

It's like, stop staring, hungry Barbie.

She's not into you.

Oh, man. This video game is so realistic.

I mean, if I had a Camaro and a baseball bat, this is exactly what I would do.

Dude, don't you have to get to work?

It's 11:00 A.M. ah, no one's gonna notice.

Yeah. I'm one of 400 employees on my floor alone.

What I do is I put a jacket on the back of my chair, and then people think I'm there. It's the perfect gig.

Man. I gotta get back in the corporate game.

Any news on that resume I gave you?

Oh, you're in the system, buddy.

Hr says you're next in line.

Well, then actually let me give you my new resume.

It's on card stock. My kinko's guy says it's the same paper people use to apply to be President of the United States.

Well, that's 100% not true.

Hey, guys. My boys, my fellas, my dawgs.

Woot, woot.

Oh, no.

Kay, what did you do?

Nothing.

I just, uh, thought I'd come by to see if you happened to get your identity fixed yet.

No, why?

No reason.

Just, uh, Hailey and I bumped into Brianna.

Made me think of it. No big.

Wait a second. Brianna saw you with Hailey?

Was she pissed?

Short answer is yes, but...

Oh, terrific.

So I gave my social security number to a crazy, jealous hacker who probably has a vendetta against you. don't worry about it. She said she's gonna take care of your whole identity thing anyway.

She did?

Yeah.

As she was storming off, she turned around, she touched all of her fingertips together, and said, "don't worry. I'm gonna take care of your friend's identity."

And ended it with a pretty standard "mark my words" sign off, and then just laughed and laughed.

Uh-huh.

It'll be fine.

Ah, somehow I don't believe you.

[Phone chimes]

Oh.

Here's a little news you might be interested in, Kay.

Apparently there's been a death at my company.

Oh.

Yeah. In my department.

My god.

On my floor.

Jesus.

In my seat.

We got to get you a new chair, buddy, in case that one's haunted.

It's me.

Somehow your crazy ex-girlfriend made me dead.

[Horn honking ringtone]

Gil: Oh, my god.

I just got an email from clm solutions too.

A temp position just opened up.

Best day ever! [Laughing]

Okay, look, wait a second.

So, Mr. Schuffman, comma, Jacob, ellen: It says here in the system that you are deceased.

Now, that's a bummer.

Well, obviously, that wrong.

Because I'm here talking to you, right, so...

Ooh, it's just... It's out of my hands.

Once you get your whole identity situation straightened out, just come back in, and then we can fill out the proper paperwork to prove that you are "alive."

I am alive. There's no need for the air quotes.

"Okay." [Chuckles]

But in the meantime, you are gonna have to vacate the premises, for insurance purposes.

I mean, can you imagine if you were injured while on the job while you were dead, you know?

Paperwork nightmare for old Eugene.

Are you Eugene?

I wish I were.

It looks like standard operating procedures are already in effect, so flowers are gonna be sent to your next of kin, and there's gonna be a small memorial for you at the next weekly staff meeting.

Well, can't you just stop that?

Hey, that's an idea.

But, no, there's nothing I can do.

Well, thank you so much for literally not helping me at all.

You're welcome.

So, we needed a short-term temp, that's you, because we bumped everyone up the ladder.

We had a death in accounts.

A man named Jake...

Schuffman?

Hey!

Someone's done their research.

Hey, keep this up and maybe this "temp" could become a "perm."

You know, according to teen vogue,

I have the perfect bone structure for a perm.

[Laughing] Hey...

It's been tense around here since Jake d*ed.

Thanks for giving me permission to laugh again.

[Cell phone ringing] Hey, babe.

Annie: Oh, hey. Just a quick question.

No big whoops, but did you happen to die?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I should have called you earlier, my bad.

Uh, you might be receiving some flowers from my company.

Yep. I got 'em.

Jake: Kay's crazy ex-girlfriend somehow convinced the world and every computer in it that I'm dead.

Okay. Well, just a heads-up.

This is on that list of things you're supposed to immediately call me about.

That and if you see Lamar odom.

It's weird that he's still your hall pass.

Why is the bathroom key wet again?

Oh, I gotta go. Janet's here.

Annie, these patterns are all wrong.

Oh, but they're exactly what you asked for last night.

Well, last night I was on Percocet for my...

I don't know, ear pain?

Sure. Let's go with that.

Now this means we gotta come in on a Sunday.

And by "we," I mean "you."

And by "you," I mean "ugh. You."

Okay. No problem.

Who's this? Clm solutions.

Condolences. Ah, who's Jake?

Um, that's my fiance, but it's not...

Your fiance d*ed? What are you even doing here?

You should be at home, lousy with grief.

Really?

Maybe I sh... Maybe I should be home.

I am feeling pretty grieve-y.

And I've been trying to work through it, but...

Oh, I'm so sorry, you poor thing.

Oh, and I've been so hard on you.

And that explains why your work has been so subpar and childlike.

Okay. I'm gonna go.

Human operator. Human.

Oh, no, babe. What are you doing?

That was the social security office.

Jake, stay dead.

Because as long as you are, you don't have to go to work, I don't have to go to work, we can finally have a date night.

We can have a whole date week.

So just forget about this, and kiss me with your corpse mouth.

Oh, yeah, baby.

I'm gonna shove my dead tongue down your living throat.

Oh, yes, please.

Ooh.

You know, we're just not these kinds of people.

No, no. We eat off this thing, you know?

It's not sanitary.

It's so low with your back.

Yeah. Soft bed in the other room right there waiting for us.

Yeah. Just gonna brush my teeth.

I'll be right in.

All right. Very good.

Wow, Annie, this hotel is so chell.

I can't believe you designed all of this.

Thanks, babe. I couldn't have done it without Janet screaming at me and taking credit for my work.

Ah, she just sucks all the Joy out of my job.

I'm really glad we came. Seeing everything I created really reminds me of how much I love this stuff.

Yeah. And I'm glad Brianna k*lled me.

Otherwise I'd be stuck in a sterile cubicle instead of straight up chelling.

Yeah.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you say that this euro-spa is...

Clothing optional?

Uh-oh.

Hide your field mice, the snake is loose.

Yeah. And thirsty. don't be gross.

Uh, no, no.

I just meant can you grab us a few more drinks?

Oh, yes. Of course. No problem.

Two more Moscow mules, please.

Oprah and Gayle love them, so do I.

Annie?

Janet. What are you doing here? You hate interacting with clients.

Yeah, true, but I had to drop off these lobby designs because you were supposed to be at home grieving.

Yeah, I was, but I can't stay in that house.

Not... not the house that we shared as lovers.

I had to come here to get away from the sadness and the memories...

Oh, and the drinks?

Yes. Yes.

Just pouring one out for my homie.

R.I.P., Jake. R.I.P.

Annie, what's the 411 on those drinks?

I want to wet my whistle while I wet my Willy.

Oh, Annie, is this naked guy with you?

Um, yes. Yes this... put this on. This... this is Jake's brother, ja... jezz. Jazz. Jazz, jazz.

This man's name is jazz.

Jazz, I would like for you to meet my boss from work Janet l'amour of "Janet for Janet l'amour designs by Janet l'amour."

Oh, Janet. Annie's told me so, uh, little about you.

Yeah, because we... We don't really see much of each other and know much of each other because I was in Afghanistan and my brother, Jake, did not support the troops, which vis-a-vis was me, so... [Chuckles] We had a falling out, you know?

So, it's hot there, you know?

A lot of people don't know that about Afghanistan.

Okay, that's good.

So, the two of you came here together?

To a nude spa?

Yes, because we...

We both feel that Jake would want us to be nude...

Yep.

As a symbol of rebirth.

Yeah. This is for you, big brother.

And we miss you a lot.

Ahh.

No, no, wait.

Well, it's real nice of you, jazz, to come all the way from Afghanistan to support Annie here.

And, um, hey, you know, if you need another shoulder to cry on, I just want you to know that my door is always open, and the clothes are optional.

That's a joke.

[Chuckles]

Jake: That's... whew.

Thank god I took those m*llitary improv classes.

Yeah. Those really helped.

Right?

I can't believe Janet was there.

I didn't think this thing through.

I mean, what am I going to tell her when I have to go back to work, and she sees that I'm still planning a wedding with you?

Okay, here's the deal.

Jake stays dead.

Jazz steps up, does the honorable thing, marries his brother's widow. [Grunts]

Old school.

She's gonna figure it out.

Babe, Janet doesn't think twice about what you do in your personal life.

Besides, you know she's just gonna Percocet it and forget it.

Jacob, emergency powwow.

We need our key back.

If you'll excuse me, I have some cry-heaving to do in the bathroom.

Whoa, Gil, you're wearing an outfit that actually makes sense.

What's up, pal?

I need advice.

I'm doing the announcements at this week's staff meeting at clm solutions, which involves a five-minute memorial segment on the deceased, vis-a-vis, you.

They're only giving me five minutes?

Hey, I had to push for five.

They wanted to give you a hard two.

What?

But anyway, I want to make sure it's really awesome.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

So I can impress Hank.

Ugh.

Now think for a second.

What's a better song to go with pictures of dead Jake?

Is it I will remember you by Sarah McLachlan, or mambo no. 5 by Lou Bega?

Is that a joke?

You want to play a song to pictures of dead me?

It's obviously Lou Bega.

No, that's what I thought.

But I wanted to run it by you out of respect.

Who is this Hank guy you're talking about?

Hank. He's the office manager.

He works right next to Barbara.

Oh, I'm drawing a lot of blanks here.

Babs. Her daughter just got out of rehab for that crippling bath salts addiction.

They did a story about her.

She was running through the streets eating people's faces.

At clm?

She ate a face at clm, yeah.

She ate a face at clm?

Bring-your-daughter-to-work day, she ate a face.

She ate Earl's face.

Earl, he organizes the trivia night.

Trivia night? I didn't know they did that.

I love trivia. Especially when it's cloaked by the night.

Yeah, it's pretty chell.

Wow. That does sound pretty chell.

It's hella chell, if I'm being honest.

You know, I don't know why you always said they're some big nameless, faceless corporation.

We're a family. A big, 10,000 person family.

We're like mormons, except we get to drink coffee.

[Knock at door]

Who's that?

I don't know.

Annie's boss Janet!

Jazz. What are you doing here?

Janet, you are here, and that is neat.

Yes, that is neat. And, uh, this is my friend, Gil, from the w*r.

I'm jazz.

Hmm.

I'm rock and roll.

Annie, may I have a word?

Yes.

I think it's pretty clear why I'm here.

Well, I don't think it's clear why any of us are here.

I mean, the universe, right?

We were once fish.

Pfft!

All right, you probably noticed that jazz and I really hit it off at the spa.

Huh?

Please. I mean, the chemistry was so intense you could hear my egg drop.

So, I came over here to tell you that I'm going to actively pursue him.

Huh?

And since I like to pounce when they're at their most vulnerable, I'm gonna have to go ahead and attend that funeral, okay?

The fun... yes, the... the funeral.

Well, the tragedy continues because we aren't having one of those.

No funeral?

Oh, well, there is gonna be a memorial service at his office, if that helps.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but a lot of people are calling it the memorial service of the fiscal quarter.

I will see you there. [Chuckles]

Oh, and I never wear underwear at a memorial service, so let's just say there's not going to be a dry seat in the house.

Oh, let's not say that.

All right, well, see you there.

Hey.

Hey, cool guy.

What's up with the hat and the shades?

Hat-and-shades Thursday isn't until next Tuesday.

We had to reschedule it 'cause some guy d*ed.

I don't know.

Me, Gil.

I d*ed.

Just trying to keep a low pro because I'm not supposed to be here.

But jazz is.

I'm jazz.

And I'm rock and roll.

We've already been through this.

Ooh, I gotta go say hi to my friends.

They're having a tough day.

The toner didn't come in.

Hey, hey. [Mimics exploding]

Look at all those sweet handshakes he's doing.

Ahh!

Oh, Annie.

Annie, right here.

You might need to move. Annie, come on.

I have to go sit with her.

I'll stay back.

Oh, isn't jazz going to join us?

Uh, he's scared of powerpoints, you know?

Because of the w*r.

Oh.

I like it. A fixer-upper.

[Chuckles]

Oh, you're gonna wear that?

Yeah, obviously. I'm already here.

What the hell are you two doing here?

We wouldn't miss your funeral, buddy.

Besides, Barbara made her famous deviled eggs.

Hey, babs.

And Hank's taking everybody bowling after.

He's really good.

Wait, so you two are hanging out with Barbara and Hank now?

God, I feel like I'm in one of those movies where Nic cage learns what his life could have been like if he just made a couple of different choices.

All right, let's get started.

Our buddy Gil's gonna take us through the announcements starting with a very special powerpoint to commemorate the passing of one of our team members: Jack Chuffman.

[Applause]

Get it, Gil!

[Barking]

Thank you.

His death brought us together.

But my powerpoint will lift us up.

This was Jack Chuffman.

Oh, come on.

♪ A little bit of Monica in my life ♪
♪ a little bit of Erica by my side ♪
♪ a little bit of Rita is all I need ♪
♪ a little bit of Tina is what I see.

This is sadder than I thought it would be, but in a different way.

You gonna get up there and say a few words?

This song says it better than I ever could.

Annie, the least you can do is get up there and say a few words about your dead fiance.

Hey, all due respect, Janet, I'll grieve in my own way.

Thank you. You don't need to tell me what to do here. We're not at the office.

Well, somebody should 'cause you're mourning wrong.

You know what? I am gonna say a few words.

A little bit of Monica indeed.

I'm Annie. I'm Jake's fiance.

And it's been a weird 48.

But if I have learned anything from this whole "Jake is dead" thing, it's that life is short.

And that is why, Janet, I'm done. I'm done.

I quit.

What?

I quit, too.

And I quit.

No, no. No.

No, I'm sorry, I don't work here, so it's not like a Jerry Maguire thing.

Never mind.

Second that.

Sorry, we're all just such team players here.

And that's a team I want to be part of.

Hi, I'm Jack Schuffman...

Jake Schuffman.

And I'm not dead.

And if I have learned anything from what Annie has learned from this whole "Jake is dead" thing, it's... life is short.

You know, when I worked here, I wasted every day thinking about the second I can get home and chell.

Chell?

But what I learned is...

That you need to find a new career that inspires you.

What? No, no.

What I learned is I can just chell out here right at work.

I'm just realizing what an amazing group of people you are.

The problem was me.

And clm was the solutions.

All: Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Oh, okay.

Oh.

Stop it.

All: Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!

Whoo!

No, no, no, no.

You know what? I learned something even more important today, okay?

There is a half a sheet cake in the kitchen.

Now let's go in there and eat the [Bleep] out of it!

[All cheering]

Jazz! You're alive.

I heard the terrible news about Jake.

So I left the w*r to make love, not w*r.

You gonna fire off your musket?

Oh, what? Musket?

That's old-timey.

No, I use m16s and things like that.

Other things, okay.

Like handguns of some sort.

I know. Sorry.

But, uh...

Should we start again?

Yeah, should I go out? I don't wanna...

You know what? No.

We're just not these kind of people either.

Who role-plays?

Too confusing for me...

Right?

To be so historically accurate.

Just... and it's a lot to think about...

I know.

Instead of thinking about what, you know, what we really want to do.

I'm thinking about a backstory.

Yeah. I wrote a backstory.

I know.

I'll tell you, I'm glad that Jake has his identity back.

I am gonna miss jazz.

Well, he's a real w*r hero.

Yeah, he fought for our country.

Mm.

Yeah.

So, babe, how are you feeling about this whole new job thing?

Have you figured out what you're gonna do?

I decided I am gonna go out on my own.

Annie, I am so proud of you. That's great.

Thanks. And I'm so proud of you for figuring out how to...

Brrr, what, goof off at work?

I don't know what your lesson was.

You better be a good dad.

Yeah, I hope I am.

More importantly, I'm very excited that we finally get to have a date night.

Aww.

Well, actually, you know, I'm gonna have to work.

Because starting your own company, it is very time consuming.

Oh, wow. Your new boss is a real bitch.

She's the worst.