01x04 - Know Thy Selfie

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Faking It...

Time to occupy Hester!

Liam's really into this protest, so I'm gonna be the protestiest protester who ever protested.

I am so sick of the way you've been acting lately, and for what?

So some boy you hardly know will fall in love with you.

I'm Oliver.

I finally meet a girl I like, and she's a lesbian.

Karma and I are faking it.

At least Karma is.

I'm not so sure.

[Beep]

It's been 12 hours and 32 minutes of silence.

That's ten more minutes than when you got your tonsils out.

I can't stand not talking. I'm in physical pain.

Please call me back.

And you were right about Liam Booker.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I'm sorry, and I miss you.

[Truck playing La Cucaracha]

♪

No. No.

No.

Welcome.

Why can't I have normal parents?

[Cell phone chimes]

[Cell phone clicks]

Trouble in paradise?

Things are complicated.

Well, perhaps this crane will lift your spirits with its wings.

Dorky fact... I'm learning the captivating art of Japanese origami.

Okay, thanks, Oliver.

Hey, what are you doing right now?

Going to school like a normal person.

Did you snort some meth this morning?

I need you to help me find a girlfriend. I think.

Amy, you already have a girlfriend.

If these people find out you're faking it, they will lynch you and not even notice the irony.

Well, I'm not faking it, and that's the problem.

If I'm having these feelings for Karma, then I must be a lesbian.

Whoa. I think it's too soon to bust out the label maker.

You're the one who outed me to the whole school, remember?

Yes, but now I realize you're much more complicated.

And interesting.

Well, yesterday I kissed Oliver, and I didn't feel anything.

Why didn't I feel anything?

He makes really cool cranes.

Shocking you didn't jump him right there.

Look, if I find a real girlfriend, then my fake girlfriend can go back to being my best friend.

That's what this is about?

These feelings are k*lling me.

Yesterday I blew up at her because I was jealous of Liam.

Who does that?

Trashy women on reality TV, that's who.

Help me.

I'm going to agree, both because I can see you're in pain and because I'm dying to see how this plays out.

♪ Oh, you got me going, got me going ♪

It was interfering with your chakra, so we just need to cover 'em up, okay?

There you go. Oh, so much better.

You guys.

[Gasps]

What are you doing here?

I know, isn't this so exciting?

No, no. This isn't exciting.

Please go somewhere else. I mean, we live in Austin.

There's always a stupid festival.

Well, honey, where better to sell organic juice than at school?

And besides, we want to show our support for you, our proud lesbian daughter.

Oh, Lucas, show her the sign.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Ha! I mean, wow.

It really pops, doesn't it?

No! No!

I allowed you to take that photo.

I didn't give you permission to blow it up, just like I didn't give you permission to be here.

Well, the truth is, we could use the money.

What do you mean you could use the money?

Don't worry.

No, a few good days and we'll be fine.

I promise.

Honey.

If you want us to... pbbt... we'll...

Okay, you can stay.

I'll come back after everyone's gone to help clean up.

But keep that sign rolled up.

Okay.

Hey.

Did you get my text?

I wanted to tell you how great that song was.

Well, you've told me.

You can die happy.

She didn't mean that.

She gets a little snippy when she's fighting with her girlfriend.

Not that I have ever met that girl before.

I'm a little psychic.

Women, you know, they...

Let me see.

Oh, yes, that's constricted.

Oh.

You are in dire need of a dragonheart sh*t, on the house.

And it comes with a free hug.

Wow. Thanks.

You seem uncomfortable.

Yeah, I don't really come from a family of huggers.

Oh, you poor thing.

Just relax and enjoy.

[Typing]

I'm humiliated. Everybody is staring at me.

Wow, they're being so discreet, you can't even tell.

Tommy asked me to sext him, so I sent a photo of me in my bra.

I know everybody's seen it.

I don't know what I was thinking.

You should've used Snapchat.

Obviously.

[Laughs] Hey, what's up, bro?

Check it out. Look at this.

Oh.

[Gasps] I knew it.

Tommy Ortega!

I knew I never have sent you tha...

I put a crown on Mr. Squiggles.

Oh. Thank God.

I was worried you were showing these guys what I sent you last night.

Don't worry, I deleted it.

I know you don't want that getting around.

No. Wouldn't want that.

Welcome to the Twain.

Lesbian coffee shop by day, gay bar by night, and ne'er the twain shall meet.

Wow, I've never seen this many lesbians in the wild.

Well, you asked. I delivered.

So first things first. What's your flavor?

We got your lipsticks, we got your sporties, you got your Kristen Stewart groupies.

Or are you more classic Butch?

[Laughs]

Oh.

I have to pick a favorite?

I don't know.

I like her belt.

Who here makes your no-no place say yes-yes?

That's the problem.

I didn't have those feelings for Karma until we kissed.

[Exhales]

I guess I have to start kissing some lesbians.

Or you could just start by...

sh**t me a look if you need me.

Creators, protectors, and nurturers.

We get our strength from Gaia, mother earth.

And when I look into all of your beautiful faces, I see just how powerful we are.

Aw.

Hey, mom, how are you?

Everybody, meet my parents.

[Cheers and applause]

Karma, you're acting very erratic.

Just this morning you didn't want anyone to know we were related.

I was joking.

I'm proud to be a part of this family.

Where's my kale suit? I'll help pass out samples.

Oh, your friend Liam has that covered.

Oh, but you can clean the juicer.

It's full of pulp.

["Do You Ever?" by Phia]

♪ Do you ever think about me? ♪
♪ I think about you ♪
♪ I remember that time in my life ♪
♪ And I wonder, do you? ♪
♪ Meeting in between class ♪
♪ Thinking all about us ♪

Hi.

♪ Kissing in between class ♪
♪ Thinking all about us ♪
♪ I'm drowning in ♪
♪ I cannot swim in memories, memories ♪
♪ I'm drowning in, I cannot swim ♪

Hey, what you studying?

Anatomy.

That could come in handy one day.

Hopefully.

I really want to go to med school.

Why bother when we can play doctor right now?

You're joking.

Right?

♪ I think about you ♪
♪ I remember that time in my life ♪
♪ And I wonder, do you?

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

Do you want to get out of here?

Yeah.

You do?

Hell yeah.

Let's go to my car.

Oh, uh...

Am I right?

[Laughs]

I have a girlfriend.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

I sh*t you a look. You were supposed to be looking.

I had to look away. It was too gory.

Was I that bad?

Eh, you were lewd and aggressive and overly sexual.

And that works for gay guys, but lesbians don't want to just hook up.

You know, they want to bond, and they want to nest, and they want to fall in love and let themselves go.

[Sighs] Sounds amazing.

How do we make this happen?

There's an app for that. It's called Syzzr.

And upload.

Hey.

"About me: "The best way to get to know who I am is to understand the things I hate"?

What? It's true.

I can't date someone who likes reggae.

"Or someone who wears sunglasses inside or someone who pays for jeans with holes in them"?

This profile makes you sound a wee bit negative.

I'm already faking one relationship.

If I'm gonna have a real one, I want her to like me for me.

That's not how online dating works.

If you get a hit off this, it'll be a...

[Tablet chimes]

Miracle.

Bet she's a bow-wow.

Only desperate people respond that fast.

Oh, my God, super cute.

You're so lucky.

Molly and Lucas seem like great parents.

"Molly and Lucas"?

Look, I don't know what you're up to, but cut it out.

What is your deal?

This morning I came to tell you how much I liked your song, and you treated me like I'd groped you in an elevator.

Oh, you know what you did.

No, I don't.

Can one of you help me compost these vegetable scraps?

I got it.

Liam was just leaving.

Aww.

I'm really gonna miss you.

I'll miss you too.

Oh, I almost forgot. Your share of the tips.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I can't take that.

You wore a kale suit.

No one should do that for free.

I was just having fun hanging out with you two.

Ditto.

[Laughs]

You remind me so much of my beautiful Zen.

Doesn't he remind you so much of our beautiful Zen?

Wow. Trippy. [Laughs]

Who's zen?

Oh, it's Karma's older brother.

He just dropped out of Amherst to dig wells in rural Zimbabwe.

He's a special soul.

Brimming with passion and integrity just like you.

"Integrity"?

Liam wouldn't know what integrity was if he searched for it on Skwerkel.

You saw.

Saw what?

Saw you protesting all day against the man.

Or the woman from Skwerkel.

The one you slept with, remember her?

[Exhales]

[Gasps]

I didn't sleep with her.

Yeah, because you're so discriminating in that department...

She's my sister!

Thank you for today.

I don't know, it's a little "I'm trying to be a professional lesbian."

Should I be more lipstick?

I could steal a dress from Lauren and then sedate myself, so I'd wear it.

[Laughs]

What happened to just wanting to be yourself?

That was before she was cute.

And "Myself" would wear my doughnut shirt and bacon sweats.

It is unfortunate that your favorite clothes are food-themed.

[Cell phone vibrates]

[Sighs]

If I hold it, I'll answer it.

I haven't spoken to Karma in 15 hours and 26 minutes, and my resistance is cracking.

This has to work.

Relax.

You're putting way too much pressure on yourself and way too much pressure on Jessica.

Jerrica? Jerold?

Jasmine.

[Groans] Yeah, right.

Jasmine. [Laughs]

I keep wanting to make a magic carpet joke, but I will just keep it classy and wish you luck.

Thanks. And you're right.

We'll just take it slow and get to know each other.

Yep, don't let her rub your bottle until at least the second date, okay, genie?

Aren't you coming?

I'll wait here for you.

You got this.

Okay.

Here goes.

Aah!

[Screams]

Wrong angle. Bad lighting. Add filter.

Shut the door!

Wait.

Since I came out, there's not a single day there's not some sort of snide comment.

It's no Hester.

I heard about your lesbian Homecoming Queens.

Sounds like a gay Hogwarts.

Yeah, it's really open and accepting.

And now I feel bad for hating it.

No, it's cool, it's still high school, you know.

Yeah, I don't know why they keep making movies and TV shows about it.

I think it's so we won't forget how terrible it was...

Both: Like World w*r II.

[Both laugh]

So I got a Vespa.

Last weekend I rode it to Canyonlands, and my parents freaked...

Whoa. Dude.

I'm so sorry.

Arch your back.

Chin up.

Down.

Ew. No, up.

Can you just take the damn picture?

Do you want him to forward this to the whole school or not?

Trust me.

♪ Yeah, you got your bored look all worked out ♪

Wow, I look...

Banging... I know.

And you didn't even have to show your boobs.

I just can't stop changing lives today.

♪ On entry-level middle class ♪

Come on. Come on.

♪ Pretty and ridiculous ♪

Thank you.

Hallelujah.

Still hate you.

Still hate you too, boo.

♪

Jacket, please.

I'll send you the dry-cleaning bill.

Can we just pretend that didn't happen?

That coffee shop brings out the worst in me.

As much as I'd like to think that kiss is because you find me irresistible, I'm sensing there's something else going on.

I kissed my best friend, Karma, and now, nothing makes sense.

Oh. Been there, sister.

Seriously?

Oh, yeah.

Being with her was t*rture.

Not being with her was t*rture.

I wanted to tell her but knew I'd risk everything if I did.

Yeah, exactly. What did you do?

I finally told her.

And?

And... I'm on a date with you.

Oh.

Right.

Maybe your situation will be different.

But if things crash and burn, call me.

Maybe I can help you pick up the pieces.

[Tools clanging]

Look, about earlier, I came to apologize.

I'm sorry, all right?

When I saw you leaving the protest with her, I just jumped to conclusions.

Apology accepted. Now if you'll excuse me.

If the Skwerkel lady is your sister, then... why were you protesting?

My family is complicated. You wouldn't understand.

Maybe not, but I'd like to try.

My sister is being groomed to take over the company once my dad retires.

Your dad is the head of Skwerkel?

Yep, he founded it.

Shane is the only other person who knows.

So please do not tell anyone.

I won't.

Wow, Skwerkel's worth a lot of juice trucks.

Money has made my family secretive, image-obsessed ass[Bleep].

I want nothing to do with it or them.

That sucks.

Yeah, and that's not even the half of it.

It's more [Bleep] up than you could ever imagine.

What do you mean?

I don't want to get into it.

Okay.

Well, if you ever do, I'm here.

Thanks.

And if it makes you feel any better, my parents are image-obsessed too.

I mean, not because of money, but they're just so into being alternative.

We talk way too much about chakras.

Oh, let's call child protective services.

I'm just saying, I never really felt like they got me until I came out, and now they're so excited.

I'm worried they think my sexual orientation is the most interesting thing about me.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this.

It isn't.

♪ Do you care ♪

The most interesting thing about you.

♪
♪ To stay home? ♪
♪

♪ 'Cause I don't think ♪
♪ That I could go out there ♪
♪ I've got plans ♪
♪ That I can't stop thinking of ♪

It's okay.

I'm ready.

♪ If you want, baby ♪

I'm sorry.

I can't.

♪ To stay home ♪

[Door opens]

Finally.

I swear I was just skimming it.

Though that crush on the lifeguard last summer, interesting twist.

So was it love at first sight?

She was really cool. I was a hot mess.

Okay, moving on.

Internet dating is a numbers game.

Let's get back on the horse.

I don't want to meet another girl.

A boy?

I don't want to meet another boy.

That limits your options.

It won't make these feelings for Karma go away.

Well, then at least we know what you are.

We do?

You're a Karma-sexual.

[Sighs]

Why don't you just tell her how you feel?

She's been my best friend since kindergarten.

If I tell her, things will get weird, and we'll drift apart until one day we'll meet in line at the grocery store and say polite hellos and... pretend like we didn't once know everything there was to know about each other.

Or you tell her and she feels the same way, and you two live happily ever after.

Yeah, right.

I've seen you two together.

She's always kissing you or holding your hand.

It's pretty clear she loves you.

As a friend.

[Cell phone vibrates]

Oh, she's been texting you all day.

I've never seen so much emoji abuse.

She's clearly got her own version of your crazy going on.

No, it's not the same.

How do you know?

Maybe, just maybe, she feels the same way about you but is also too scared to say anything.

After all, it takes two people to make a good kiss.

What about her obsession with Liam?

Classic overcompensation.

I pined after Emily Michaels, the most unavailable girl in third grade, because deep down, I didn't want her to be available.

Happens all the time.

[Cell phone vibrates]

You'll never figure this out by hiding from her.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a date with that cute barista.

[Cell phone vibrating]

Karma?

Hey.