01x06 - Three to Tango

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Faking It...

[Both scream]

You get way too much pleasure torturing her.

Wait.

Do you want him to forward this to the whole school or not?

Still hate you.

Still hate you too, boo.

If Amy knew about this, you honestly think she'd be okay with it?

Maybe you two are okay with this sneaking-around thing, but I'm not.

I wish there was a way that we could do this.

We could have a threesome.

A threesome?

Yes.

I actually suggested that Liam have a threesome with me... and you. [Chuckles]

You remember how I thought that Liam pulled away because he wasn't into me?

Turns out he's way into me, he just felt too guilty sneaking around behind your back.

I heard that, and I don't know what came over me.

I just...

Suggested a menage a trois?

Don't worry.

I'm gonna tell him that I had a brief lapse in sanity.

I mean, we couldn't.

We wouldn't.

You wouldn't...

Would you?

No, Karma, I would not have a [Bleep] threesome with you and Liam!

You are so having a [Bleep] threesome with Karma and Liam.

Okay, first Karma loses it. Now you?

Amy, this might as well be a big bi-curious bat signal in the sky.

Karma wants you to have sex with her.

With her and a guy.

One does not suggest a three-way with one's BFF all willy-nilly.

She has to be into you... in part or subconsciously or whatever.

Don't get my hopes up. You could be wrong.

You'll never know unless you try.

Get it? Tri?

You're really suggesting that I have sex with Karma and Liam?

You won't have to touch him if you don't want to.

Just let Karma be at the center of this sex sandwich.

You and Liam can be the bread.

And then you'll finally see if she prefers whole grain... or sourdough.

Why do I have to be sourdough?

And how do you know so much about three-ways?

At theater camp, I fiddled on more than just the roof.

Trust me, this is the perfect way to see how Karma feels about you.

I don't know.

I think it's pretty well established that she's pretty good at faking it.

There are always signs.

Signs? For what?

Early onset Alzheimer's.

It's really tearing families apart.

Got to jet.

What was that about?

Never mind.

I think we should do it... the threesome, I mean.

You'd...

Amy, you'd do that for me?

Are you sure about this?

If you're sure.

Oh, my God, Amy, I love you.

I promise it won't be weird at all.

Yeah, I'm not so sure that there's a way around that.

[Funky hip-hop music]

Aah!

What?

What the fosse?

Lauren, what have you done to my yoga room?

The school's yoga room is now my dance studio.

Brought to you by our friends at Skwerkel.

What's next, converting the wood shop into your own chapter of the KKK?

Move aside.

No, I need this space to train for the Lonestar Texas Teen dance competition.

My dance partner should be here any minute...

Dance partner?

Ah, bigot Barbie comes with her own closet-case Ken.

Bigot?

For the record, I've never been antigay.

Just anti-you!

And who you calling a closet case?

I've been out and proud since my first communion.

There you are, Lolo.

This was just leaving.

Wait a minute.

What the [Bleep] happened to you?

I volunteered with Habitat for Humanity last weekend, and I tripped on a nail g*n.

But qualifiers are this Saturday!

No, no, no! This cannot be happening!

You're freaking out.

We just need to find you a substitute partner.

I can teach him the routine myself.

How about Tommy?

Chronic straight-guy-rhythm deficiency.

Fine. Fine. I'll do it.

I'm Shane, by the way.

What?

Why are you still here?

Trust me, I've got the moves.

Lala, we don't have time for an audition montage.

Shane's here. He's willing.

Don't you want to win?

No, but he and I-we...

[Scoffs] Damn it.

I do really want to win.

Well, then let's get to twerk.

Hey-oh!

Hey.

Oh.

[Chuckles] Hi.

You both...

How's it going on? I mean... what's up?

Liam, you remember Amy.

Of course.

Hello, Amy.

Hey. Let's have a threesome.

What?

[Chuckles] Really?

I, uh... I thought you were joking about that, Karma.

I mean, girls... they throw around the three-way offer all the time, but they never follow through.

We're lesbians.

Our word is our bond.

Our people never joke about threesomes.

It's a whole thing.

I did not know that. Um...

Are you guys sure?

Well, we're sure.

Are you sure?

I'm totally sure if you are.

Just don't want you to think that I'm some womanizing, heteronormative bro-douche who's gonna brag to his buddies.

You know, I'm just all for openness and... sexual exploration.

Right.

So when are we thinking?

Oh. Oh, we're picking the time right now?

Great. Um...

Yeah, let's coordinate schedules.

Tonight's not good. I have a chem test tomorrow.

Friday?

Friday!

Mm-mm, we're guest-judging The A.V. Club's short-film fest Friday, remember?

Saturday.

We'll make it work.

Great. Um...

Should I... bring anything?

A deep-fried appetizer sampler, extra calamari.

Oh. Okay, sure.

She's kidding.

This one.

Just bring your sexy, open-minded self.

Maybe a few condoms.

It seems responsible.

You can never be too careful.

Rest assured, I'll handle everything.

I will see you there.

And I will see you there, 'cause all three of us will be there.

Okay. Bye.

See you Saturday!

Bye.

How in the whole wide world could I not know you...

Lolo, is it?

Pablo.

Lala here gave me that nickname at dance camp, and it kind of stuck.

Dance camp? Tell me more.

Pablo's one of the top students at Our Lady of Perpetual Chastity.

You know, the most prestigious Christian prep school in Austin.

Oh, man.

That sucks. Sorry about that.

Why?

Don't tell me you're one of those judgmental gays that looks down on Christians.

Judgy? Me? No way.

I'm very spiritual.

Just finished this really super healing cleanse I read about on Goop.

The one with fermented habanero oil and sparkling grapefruit water?

You goop?

I goop all the time!

[Both laugh]

I bet you do.

Hate to interrupt this little Gwyneth-off, but we've got work to do...

A lot of work.

What have we learned about using v*olence as a conflict-resolution strategy?

He should just apologize to David Beckham, history's greatest football player...

Uh, it's called soccer here, bro.

And again... [British accent] it sucks ass!

Hey! Hey! Whoa!

Ugh!

Sports.

I can't.

West, I'm gonna go find you a raw steak for that shiner.

If you two fight while I'm gone, you better k*ll each other before I get back.

Shane, where are you?

Karma invited me to a threesome with her and Amy, and I said yes.

Was that a big mistake?

Call me back.

[Normal voice] Bro.

Bro.

Dude.

Uh, yeah.

Bro...

Dudes?

A threesome with two hot lesbian chicks is never a mistake.

Oh, you heard all that?

Dude!

Bro!

It's not a big deal.

You're living every straight guy's fantasy.

Screw Beckham. You're my hero now.

It probably won't happen. I don't even have a place.

We can't let that happen, bro.

No way, dude.

Be honest.

Does this Teddy say "Virgin," "Skank," or the perfect blend of both?

Okay, this just got very real.

You're wearing lingerie.

I know this is every kind of awkward.

So, if you want to back out...

I don't want to back out... unless you want me to back out.

Of course not.

There's no one I'd rather do this with.

Really?

Yeah, and besides, we're both so good at faking it.

[Chuckles]

Too good, actually.

Well, you can never be too good, which is why I think we should rehearse.

Rehearse?

[Passionate music]

♪

The Paso Doble is based on the Spanish bullfight.

As the man, Shane, you play the role of the matador.

So Lauren's the bull, and I get to k*ll her?

No, idiot. I'm your cape.

I know you think Pablo's cute, but it'll never happen.

Sounds like someone's afraid of losing their best gay friend to their worst gay enemy.

Oh, please. Pablo's too good for you.

You don't know just how good I can be.

♪

[Applauding]

That actually wasn't bad!

But it still needs some flash.

I think I have just the thing.

Look what just arrived today from Branson.

[Gasps] Lala, that's exactly what I pictured!

It's like you read my mind!

While we're taking this brief siesta, I thought we could go over my notes on the choreography.

The choreography is flawless.

All I do is stand behind you.

Trust me, I'm a crowd pleaser.

In ballroom, the man supports the woman.

You're here to make me shine.

And what do I wear?

This.

Neutral, simple, classic, and, most importantly, masculine.

Shane, where are you? I'm freaking.

Karma's sending all these mixed signals, and I need you to tell me what they mean.

Call me back.

These trenches make for the perfect reveal.

Your mom won't miss them?

She's a meteorologist. She's got hundreds.

Perfect.

So we should probably get into choreographing the foreplay.

Or "Threeplay" in this case. [Chuckles]

Right.

So I'm thinking you'll be over there.

I'll be here.

Liam will be over here-ish.

That has good three-way feng shui.

[Giggles]

No giggling.

We need to be convincing.

Okay, so, first, I'll undo your coat all sexy-like.

[Chuckles nervously]

This seemed authentic.

Whatever.

Now you do mine.

[Sniffs]

Mmm.

You smell yummy.

I do?

Chinese food?

[Chuckles] Oh.

I had moo shu pork for lunch. [Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

I guess there's nothing left to do but to...

Kiss?

Mm!

[Smooches]

[Sighs]

I can't believe I'm gonna lose my "V" card.

[Sighs] I'm so nervous.

I almost wish you could be there.

Won't I be?

Well, yeah, at first, but then you'll make up some excuse and get the hell out of there, of course.

An excuse?

Yeah, like... an allergic reaction to Liam's cologne or...

[Laughs] Wait.

Amy, you didn't actually think I was asking...

No! No... [Scoffs] No.

I was just thinking I could suddenly... get food poisoning from leftover moo shu...

More believable.

Good thinking!

We should probably go through this again.

Leave your drama at the beep.

[Voice mail beeps]

Shane, where are you?

You talked me into this threesome, told me to look for the signs.

Well, Karma gave me a big old stop sign.

And I'm sure if you were here, you'd tell me to run right through it, because this is my last chance to see if she and I will ever be more than best friends.

And I'd roll my eyes and realize...

You're right. [Scoffs]

It's time I take my destiny into my own hands.

If Karma expects me to leave, then I have to get her to want me to stay.

[Chuckles]

Shane, thank you...

Wherever you are.

Hey, Coach P.

Cruella.

Checking out the competish?

What are you wearing?

What? It's in theme.

What do you think, Lolo?

He does look matador-able.

I knew I couldn't trust you. Just [Bleep] forget it.

Talk about chewing the scenery.

I thought we were the gay guys.

This move to Austin's been really hard on her.

This is kind of all she has.

I'm gonna try and stop her from leaving.

Okay, West, is my sexy playlist queued up?

Check.

Okay, warming lube, ribbed-for-her... and her... pleasure condoms, and energy sh*ts by the nightstand?

Check, checkity-check-check.

We are locked and loaded.

Baby, uh!

Guys, guys, thanks for your help, but don't you think this place is a bit sleazy?

I was hoping something a little more romantic.

[Both laugh]

Bro, it's a three-way, not a Taylor Swift video.

It's okay if it's a little sleazy.

Now, you got your game plan all worked out?

These are the three "F" s of not [Bleep] up a three-way.

Number one... fitness.

Are you properly pumped and manscaped?

We got clippers if you need 'em.

[Clippers buzzing]

Think I'm good in that department.

Thanks.

Number two... fairness.

Give each girl equal time so both feel included.

Always kiss the girl you're less into first.

Makes sense.

Which brings us to number three... fortitude.

Are you ready to go all night and please both ladies?

Because the last thing you want to be is the dreaded fourth "F."

Both: Flaccid.

Lauren, breathe.

Just calm down.

We've worked so hard for this.

Please don't throw it all away.

Hey, Lolo, can you give us a sec?

I'm sorry, okay?

I'll do the routine as rehearsed.

I'll even wear the boring un-bedazzled outfit.

Sure you will.

This was just another chance for you to humiliate me.

No, it wasn't.

I just thought this outfit would help us win.

Oh, please.

You put that on to piss me off and catch Pablo's eye.

He's such a sucker for sequins.

Don't be ridiculous.

You know how I know?

Because I would have done the exact same thing.

We are nothing alike. I'm not...

Arrogant, self-centered, controlling... sure you are.

Face it... we're not good people.

Hey...

I care about issues.

Yeah, issues that directly affect you.

Listen...

Pablo believes the best in people.

He's a romantic.

He's longing for the one.

You go through guys like a chainsaw through puppies.

[Scoffs]

You'd break his heart and not think twice about it.

Next up, Lauren Cooper and Shane Harvey.

Good luck.

On second thought, keep on the gay-ass glitter.

I'm here to win.

Let's black swan those b*tches.

So... thanks for coming, guys.

Thanks for having us. [Chuckles nervously]

Yeah.

This motel room is something.

Is that ice over there?

I'm gonna go break it.

[Chuckles nervously]

Get it?

And I'll put on music.

We love music!

[Energetic dance music]

♪

Sorry. That wasn't my...

Sorry.

[Dreamy music]

♪

Oh, [Bleep] it.

Is this a threesome or a staring contest?

Let's do this.

♪

Third place? This blows.

No, third place gets us to regionals!

And by then, Pablo will be back, and my talent can really shine!

[Chuckles]

You guys were amazing.

Even watching like this.

Thanks, Lolo. I'm gonna go change.

This [Bleep] itches.

So I train rescued pit bulls as service dogs every other Sunday.

I was wondering maybe you could come with.

I promise, they don't bite.

But maybe we could grab one after?

You mean, like, kind of a date thing?

People still go on those, don't they?

That's a really sweet offer, Pabs.

Lauren was right. You're a good guy.

I'm just not really the dating type, and I don't want to lead you on.

And I can't believe I just said that, because I think you're really hot.

But I did, and no take-backs, so bye.

[Dreamy music]

♪
♪ Draw in the lines ♪
♪ Color it in ♪
♪ You see a picture ♪
♪ But don't know what it is ♪

Relax.

♪ Fill in the veins ♪
♪ Up to your heart ♪
♪ Like lonely streets when it gets dark ♪
♪ It's gonna be the last day of our lives ♪
♪ It's gonna be the last day of our lives ♪
♪ And I can't breathe ♪
♪ I hold it in ♪
♪ It's such a sin ♪
♪ To let it out and take it back again ♪
♪ Something to lie on ♪
♪ Something to lie on ♪

[Sighs]

Wow.

I know.

♪
♪ Like lonely streets when it gets dark ♪
♪ Something ♪
♪

I can't do this.

Next on Faking It...

How many hearts are you gonna break, Liam Booker?

Girls: Yeah!

Liam didn't do anything wrong.

I couldn't care less about Liam Booker.

We're not gonna talk about the threesome?

It was a stupid idea that got way out of hand, which is why we have to break up.

Is this 'cause I kissed Amy at the threesome?

You are jealous.

It looked like I had a right to be.

I think we should break up.

Fine.

For real.