01x08 - Burnt Toast

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Faking It...

Why don't you tell her how you feel?

It's pretty clear she loves you.

As a friend.

She felt something when you kissed, and now she's pushing you away.

I think we should still break up.

Tell me about the pills you take all the time that you don't want anyone to see.

What about Amy?

We're faking getting back together until all of this blows over.

Nobody else knows, just you.

[Upbeat pop music]

♪

It's harder than it looks.

Here, let me show you.

First, you get a little wet.

Mm-hmm and then what?

And then you get a little dirty.

[Snickers]

[Superhumanoids' Geri]

♪ So clear ♪
♪ That you could not stay here ♪
♪ You could not see what we saw ♪

Okay, total buzz k*ll.

Ew, ew, ew, ew.

Seriously, so much for my ghost fantasy.

[Laughs]

Here.

What?

Nothing.

I'm happy.

You make me happy.

[Chuckles]

You make me happy too.

When can we be happy outside?

I mean, we've been sneaking in here at night for a week.

These paint fumes are starting to get to me.

Just a little while longer.

And lucky for you, I have so many more fantasies.

The Nicholas Sparks books alone could take a month.

How long, exactly?

Just until Amy and I can quietly tell everyone we've broken up.

And then a respectful mourning period of course.

Six months, tops.

Six months? That's forever.

I know, I'm sorry.

But if people at school think I left Amy for you, they'll hate us more than oil companies.

And Amy is okay with this?

100%.

I just, I really don't like lying.

Me either... hate it.

It's a good thing you're so damn sexy.

[Bleep]

I better go before my parents' Ambien wears off.

I'll meet you back here tomorrow?

I can't.

It's Amy's mom's wedding, remember?

Oh, I forgot.

Well, let's hope I can survive the withdrawal.

"And in conclusion, please raise your glasses "to Farrah and Bruce.

May each of your tomorrows be better than your yesterdays."

Do you want my super-supportive opinion or my tough-love opinion?

That bad?

I hate this [Bleep].

Will you do it for me?

You know I love a microphone and a c*ptive audience, but you got this.

Just speak from your heart.

What if my heart says something really stupid that it can never take back?

That's not possible.

Honey, I need you to...

Amy, we talked about this.

[Whispering] Nana is downstairs.

Thank God she didn't barge in five minutes ago, when we were 69-ing.

It is my wedding day.

Could we not do this?

Now, will y'all go, and keep her sober through the ceremony?

I do not want a repeat of my Cousin Walter's funeral.

I'll be right there.

How do I look?

Beautiful.

[Text alert chimes]

I think this dress is the best one yet.

Mm.

Me too.

[Both laugh]

I really hope I'm better at relationships than my mother.

Think of it this way: You couldn't be worse.

Who was that?

My mom. She wants me to give you a hug.

Mm.

I'm so glad we're back to good.

Just the two of us.

Yeah, me too.

[Text alert chimes]

I have a stalker.

Let me guess: his name is Pablo.

Ever since I rejected him, he's posting all these photos to try and seduce me back.

Super sadsies, look.

He's training for the AIDS ride.

In tight yellow bike gear.

Only my favorite color.

Look at the puppy he just rescued: a bichon-poodle mix.

[Sing-songy] AKA my dream dog.

Shane, you're deluded.

Need more proof?

Bam.

He's escorting Lauren to her dad's wedding?

And he tied his own bow tie.

I've been tying my own bow tie since I was eight, okay.

It's my thing.

I thought your thing was saying...

It's my thing.

I feel so terrible for this guy pining away, hoping I'll see these and come running.

Maybe you should.

Come running.

Yeah, right.

No, no, I'm serious.

Let's crash that wedding so you can tell this poor guy to move on.

Well, that's not exactly...

I'll drive.

[Josh Abbott Band's Dallas Love]

♪ I can see the light of your smile ♪

Do you think my mother suspects Amy's a lesbian?

[Sighs]

If she finds out, I will never hear the end of it.

Honey, your mother couldn't pick out a lesbian at a Melissa Etheridge concert.

And do we have to talk about this right now?

No.

Look out.

[Laughs]

So, Nana, what did you think of the ceremony?

Little too much Jesus for my taste.

I liked her first wedding the best, but this definitely b*at that second one.

Good old "Lazy Eye."

Can I get my flask back?

I won't get through this unless I'm drunk.

Thank you, Carmen.

Now, be a good girl, and go get me a ginger ale chaser.

Yeah, Carmen.

Sure.

[Chuckles] Well, she's darling.

Now, why doesn't she have a boyfriend?

Has she got an extra toe or something?

It's complicated.

Oh.

Mm.

Excuse me, could I get a ginger a...

Liam, what are you doing here?

I just needed a little fix.

You're not supposed to be here.

Yeah, that's what makes it hot.

What a perfect night.

I don't know if I've ever been this happy.

I almost believe you.

Whatever do you mean?

Tommy dumped you, and now you can't stop smiling and talking like a duchess.

First, my smile is genuine.

Second, my diction is appropriate for the occasion.

And third, I'm the one who dumped that piece of [Bleep].

Yes, let it out.

Clearly you're mad at him.

At Tommy? No, he's an idiot.

This is all Shane Harvey's fault.

Why, what did he do?

[Sighs]

I don't want to tarnish this lovely evening talking about such un-pleasantries.

Suffice it to say, he's not a good person.

[Upbeat pop music]

[Crowd gasps, murmurs]

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah.

This is our song!

Okay, I've never really had a song before, but, yeah, this one will do.

No, no, no, no, not ours as in "Ours."

Ours as in "Mine and Amy's."

I gotta go.

I'll text you after.

Wait, but...

♪ If you are all that you seem ♪
♪ Then baby I'm moving way too slow ♪
♪ I've been a fool before ♪
♪ Wouldn't like to get my love caught in the slamming door ♪
♪ How about some information please ♪
♪ Straight up now tell me ♪
♪ Do you really want to love me forever ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
♪ Or am I caught in a hit and run ♪
♪ Straight up now tell me ♪
♪ Is it gonna be you and me together ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪

[Both laughing]

Ow.

[Both laughing]

Amy, dear.

Could I speak to you outside?

♪ Straight up now tell me ♪
♪ Is it gonna be you and me together ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪

There you go.

[Scattered laughter]

I knew it.

You...

I got you.

I can't believe she grounded me for two weeks.

We were just dancing.

What is this, the sequel to Footloose?

Footlooser?

I would watch that.

Maybe instead of this stupid toast, I'll just tell everyone how she got me a padded training bra for my tenth birthday.

Amy.

What?

Don't cross over to the dark side.

Humiliating your mom at her wedding isn't going to make you feel any better.

It's just gonna push you two further apart, and I know, deep down, that's not what you want.

How do you do that?

What?

Know me better than I know myself.

Years of practice.

[Over PA] Can I please get the wedding party to the dance floor?

Let's go, babe.

Break a leg.

[Sighs]

Psst.

First toast this evening, please welcome Farrah's maid of honor and Bruce's daughter, Lauren.

[Cheers and applause]

I think I was four when my daddy first took me to the beach.

I remember the sand was so hot you let me ride up on your shoulders.

[Laughs]

I love you, baby.

Love you too.

Just checking.

Are you sure you and Amy are broken up?

What are you talking about?

Well, I saw the two of you dancing.

You sure looked like a couple.

We're faking it, big time.

We've been through a lot together, you and I.

I just don't want to be like those sad women on Dr. Phil, who date married men that promise to leave their wives, but they never do.

Well, that's not what's going on here, okay?

Amy and are still best friends, but that's it.

And I find your insecurity adorable.

Sorry.

My family's so good at lying, that sometimes I assume everyone else is.

I don't want secrets between us.

So from now on, nothing but the truth.

Deal?

Deal.

You're a woman I can look up to, a friend I can count on, and the mother I always wanted.

[Sobs]

So would everybody please raise a glass... to Farrah and Bruce.

May each of your tomorrows be better than your yesterdays.

Aw.

Now, we'll hear from Farrah's daughter Amy.

[Applause]

[Chuckles nervously]

Um...

Love is a many-splendored thing.

[Somber music]

♪

Um...

I suck at giving speeches.

So I'm gonna try speaking from the heart.

Mom, Bruce, you're lucky.

You've fallen in love with your best friend, the person who accepts you at your worst, the person who laughs at your stupid jokes, the person who knows you better than you know yourself.

I would k*ll to spend the rest of my life with that person.

I mean... wouldn't we all?

[All chuckle nervously]

Amy, can we talk about that toast?

This really isn't a good time for constructive criticism.

I think I finally understand why you always get so upset anytime I mention...

Liam? You brought him here?

I saw him crawl out from under the table like a cockroach.

He showed up. I didn't invite him, I swear.

I thought the two of you were done. Why didn't you tell me?

Because every time I talk about him, you flip out.

No, I don't.

You're doing it right now.

And I think I know why.

Trust me, you have no idea.

Amy, do you have feelings for me?

What? No.

Ew.

I can tell when you're lying.

Oh, really?

Because I've been lying ever since we kissed at the homecoming assembly.

You've had these feelings for weeks, and you never told me?

I was afraid I'd lose you.

You could never lose me.

Look, this is no big deal.

Right now, you're just confused, and...

No, no, I'm not.

I know you felt what I felt during the threesome when we kissed.

Amy...

There's a spark between us.

You can't deny it.

Was it hot?

Yeah, but...

At first, I didn't want to have these feelings either.

They're scary.

But they're scary because they're exciting, like bungee jumping, and I know you've always wanted to try that.

Please, don't.

Karma, step off the edge with me.

Everyone already thinks we're lesbians.

Let's... let's give the people what they want.

Stop!

I love you.

I love you too, Amy.

More than anyone else on earth.

Just not like that.

But... how can you tell if you don't try?

I slept with Liam.

[Folksy music]

Can we go?

This is too much work, and I'm not getting paid.

Did you talk to Pablo?

Let's just say I heard everything I needed to hear.

Okay, you can go.

I'm gonna wait for Karm...

Karma?

She's the reason you wanted to come.

I thought you two were done.

We were, but...

Man, I know this sounds cheesy, but I've fallen for her.

Yeah, me... Liam Booker.

Oh, my God, and I'm guessing she feels the same way?

Poor Amy.

Hey, don't worry.

Everything is on the up and up.

Amy knows all about it.

In fact, she's 100% on board.

Right.

What?

There's something you need to know.

I should've told you a long time ago, but I never thought it would get this far.

♪ I'm scared to speak my mind ♪

Mm! Mm-mm.

♪ I don't want to make you cry ♪

You can go.

♪ Don't want to make you cry ♪

Is it poisoned?

No, but it's what I want to eat whenever I get dumped.

I didn't get dumped.

I was eavesdropping from the bathroom.

I'm guessing you plan on extorting me?

Will you just shut the [Bleep] up?

I'm trying to empathize.

I know a thing or two about being rejected when you're at your most vulnerable.

I shared a secret with Tommy, and he dumped me.

Was it the pills?

It's called a secret for a reason.

I should just tell you.

He's probably gonna blab to the whole school on Monday.

[Clears throat]

You're not gonna tell me, are you?

Absolutely not.

Tommy's an ass[Bleep].

Yeah, well, Karma's a bitch.

♪ I'm scared to speak my mind ♪
♪ I don't wanna make you cry ♪
♪ Don't wanna make you cry ♪

Well, I told Amy about us.

It didn't go well.

Yeah.

It must be hard to break up with your fake girlfriend.

I mean, there's so many ways to play it.

There's sad, relieved, angry.

What?

Don't deny it.

Shane told me everything.

Liam, I can explain.

Like I'd believe you.

Shane?

How do you do it?

Do what?

Be so good all the time.

You know, I like to think I'm a good person, but then I do all these bad things, like outing people's pill-popping, and keeping secrets from my best friend.

Hey, we all make mistakes.

Don't put me on a pedestal.

I'm no angel.

Yeah, I'm sure you're the meanest volunteer at the soup kitchen.

An old Cherokee legend says there's two wolves within each of us.

One good and one evil.

The one that survives is the one that we feed.

Did you seriously just quote a Cherokee legend?

[Laughs]

Before we go any further, I'm celibate.

I'm a Gemini.

No, I'm not having sex until marriage.

Can you wait?

Totally.

Not even oral?

Never mind.

You two will work it out.

You always do.

I believe in fate, and if you're meant to be with Amy, you will be, and if you're not, there's so many other girls out there.

[Whispering] Oh, sweetie.

My mom paid for half of this wedding.

Just put it on her tab.

I think you've had enough.

I've had enough... of your insolence.

[Autre Ne Veut's Warning]

♪ What's this thing that ♪
♪ That I can't explain ♪
♪ Just a feeling ♪
♪ More like a warning ♪
♪ And this thing that I'm telling you ♪
♪ I can't explain ♪
♪ Just a feeling ♪
♪ More like a warning ♪
♪ Like a warning ♪
♪ Like a warning ♪