02x03 - Lust in Translation

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Faking It...

Last week, a total of three people knew our names, and one of them was Irma the lunch lady.

You have to admit this is working for us.

I had no idea this whole time that you've been having these feelings.

Well, we can't figure it out if we don't talk about it.

I was born with XY chromosomes, but I developed as a female.

You have something to say, say it.

She kept Amy's secret.

She basically chose her over me.

Do we have to do this?

The last time we broke up, Principal Penelope had to call in a grief counselor.

This is a fresh start for us.

No more secrets, no lies.

So we're just gonna tell everyone we faked being a lesbian couple?

Let's not go that far. They'd skin us alive.

We'll just tell them that we're consciously uncoupling.

What? We are.

And then you'll be the most eligible lesbian on campus, and we'll land you a smokin' hot girlfriend.

Come on! It's just what you need.

What are you gonna do, fire starter?

I don't know, lay low, eventually drift back in to dating guys.

Just the power couple I was looking for.

Penelope, we have some bad news.

Oh, dear.

Okay. I'm all ears.

Um...

Every relationship is a journey, and on that journey, there are detours, a, um... a fork in the road, so to speak.

We've consciously uncoupled.

I am so sorry to hear that.

I hope you two keep it civil.

I've seen enough lesbian breakups to know how brutal they can be.

Okay, I would love to check in with your feelings, but at any minute, a busload of refugees will be arriving from our sister school in Brazil.

Refugees? What happened?

There was a tragic sinkhole accident.

It just, like... (slurps)... swallowed up their whole building.

And that's why I was looking for you, Karma.

I hear you speak Portuguese.

Will you help translate?

We have to make them feel at home.

Okay, great. Gotta run.

Not a single tear?

She didn't even get misty.

I mean yay!

Liam?

Look, about our fight?

I'm sorry.

You know, I want you to know I am always on team Liam.

In fact, I'm the captain, and we have these really cute uniforms.

Shane, don't sweat it.

We're good.

Really?

'Cause we haven't fought like that since I outed your G.I. Joes.

You had to bring that back up.

Gung-ho and Snow Job were not gay.

It was the height of don't ask, don't tell.

You'd be surprised.

(Laughs)

See, this is why I love being best friends with a straight guy.

You know, no drama.

I had enough of that with Pablo.

We're through.

Already?

Wow, that must be a new record.

I didn't even get a parting Pablowy.

Did you date him just so you could say that?

No!

Well, maybe.

Doesn't matter, now that we're both single, let's get back out on the field and catch some rebounds.

Normally, I would, but I've decided to bench my dong for the season.

Boo!

You're still hung up on Karma, aren't you?

I don't get it.

Are her lips dusted with cocaine or something?

No, this is not about Karma, and I'm only hung up on her because...

Little Liam wanted to meet a lesbian, so he needs to be put in time-out.

Why are you punishing your penis?

Hey, Karma is the one who lied.

Trust me, I deserve to be punished.

No, you deserve to move on, and the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new, stat.

Unless you don't want to get over her.

Of course I want to get over her.

I just think celibacy is the best way to do that.

I don't know.

In my experience, it only leads to blue balls and long, incoherent speeches about wolves.

(Horn honks)

The Brazilians are coming!

The Brazilians are coming!

Smile, people. We're a country of immigrants.

(Upbeat Portuguese music)

♪ ♪

Sure you don't want to start next week?

Faking It - Season 02 Episode 03 - "Lust in Translation"

(Upbeat Latin music)

♪ ♪

Churrasco?

Where's my Crispy Kale Salad, Irma?

I'm not sending you recipes off Pinterest because we're friends.

All this week, we're serving dishes from Brazil in honor of our special guests, so you might want to pack a lunch.

Lauren! Exciting news.

You're finally getting your hair straightened.

No. This weekend we are throwing a traditional Brazilian Carnaval.

And by "we", I mean you.

Why on earth would I do that?

Because you blackmailed me into making you social chair, so now it's kind of your job.

They're in America now. Shouldn't they assimilate?

Will you show a little compassion?

These students are hungry. They're frightened.

Some of them have been brutally injured.

She got a nose job.

Oh, you poor thing.

How did you become so cynical?

If you don't want to do it, I'm happy to appoint a new chair, and then they can plan prom.

(Scoffs)

Oh!

Whoa, darling, where's the fire?

Move it, moron!

I've got things to do, and all these Brazilian pheromones are making me nauseous.

So I'm guessing from your outfit and that clipboard, you're the H.B.I.C. around here.

Yes, I am.

What exactly does that mean?

Head bitch in charge.

Did you just call me a bitch?

No, no, no! I mean, well, yeah, but I meant it like, "it's Brittany, bitch."

You know, not in a bad way.

Like in a gay way?

Yeah, except I'm not gay, in case you were wondering.

I wasn't.

So where are we with the moving?

No one gives a flying flip that we broke up.

They're all obsessed with these Brazilian beauties.

Ooh, speaking of, check out this coconut flan.

(Mood Rings', The Line)

♪ Come smell the fruit ♪
♪ for a while ♪

(Whispering) Share the flan.

Liam!

Come meet my new friends.

This is Francisco.

He's a bench-warmer for the Brazilian soccer team.

(Speaking Portuguese)

At least that's the story I'm telling myself, because all he talks about is futebol, and he's definitely warming my bench.

And these are his friends, Alessandra and Julia.

Hi. How are you liking Austin?

They don't speak a lick of English.

Fortunately, they're fluent in body language.

(Girls laughing)

What are you doing?

I'm giving you an opportunity to forget about Karma.

You know, take the green pill or the pink one or both.

You need to stop, all right? You need to butt out.

And they need protection from the sun's harmful rays, especially on their backs.

(Grunts)

(Gasps)

(Girls laughing)

Um...I gotta go.

Bye.

Tell me everything.

Her name is Fabiana.

She shared the last bite of flan, which means she's a giver.

That's all I got. She speaks zero English.

Minor obstacle.

Other than that, everything is going according to plan.

Plan?

You just landed yourself a smokin' hot girlfriend.

(Sighs) Karma, we just shared flan.

Please, that was the most adorable meet-cute ever.

Meet-cute?

Yeah.

It's the moment in a romantic comedy where a girl meets her soul mate for the first time and sparks fly.

My life is not a romantic comedy.

I can barely stand watching them.

Well, what about Pitch Perfect?

I like the songs and the vaguely feminist message.

All I'm saying is tomorrow's Carnaval is the perfect place to fall in love with someone new.

I can't fall in love with someone I don't understand.

Well, then I'll translate.

Like a chaperone?

No, like C-3PO.

I'm just there to convey information.

Listen, no butting in, okay?

I mean it.

(Imitating C-3PO) You have my word, sir.

May the force be with you.

(Both laugh)

Oh!

♪ Come smell the fruit ♪
♪ for a while ♪

Is he as hot as I think he is?

I saw him first. Whew.

Mmm!

Stop flinching.

It's a normal human reaction to have when someone comes at your eye with a tiny guillotine.

It's a curler.

(Sighs) Okay.

Can I ask you something?

Yes, if you die tomorrow, I would cry.

I think a lot of people would.

No, not that.

I was surprised that you were so into that guy.

I thought you took them off your menu.

I never said that.

I guess I just assumed that since you fell for me that that meant you were a lesbian.

Sometimes, my body reacts to guys, even though my brain doesn't want it to.

It's like I'm a sexual hulk.

So you can see yourself having sex with a guy?

One step at a time.

We're just talking about a high school carnival here.

Well, I think that this is great news.

You just doubled your chances of falling in love tonight.

Karma...

I know. I'm getting carried away.

I promise to stop if you promise to stop flinching.

(Turkey in the straw)

Welcome to America.

We hope you enjoy your visit but not too much.

You can't stay.

I feel weird implying I'm Native American.

This gown is hot.

My thighs are chafing.

Ugh! Go man the dunk t*nk.

What are you doing?

You asked for a carnival, and I delivered in a big way.

Carnaval!

The Brazilian festival marking the beginning of Lent.

Well, you should have been more specific.

Lauren, you are showing them the worst of America...

Snow cones made with high-fructose corn syrup, a game that glamorizes the slaughter of ducks, and I saw a guy guessing a girl's weight for prizes.

Excuse me, ladies, I just happened to overhear.

Penelope, you're not suggesting we censor what parts of our country these Brazilians see?

What? No! I was just...

Because the last time I checked, this was America, not China.

Stop twisting my words.

What I meant was...

Never mind.

That was impressive.

It looked like you needed a hand.

I didn't.

But if you really want to help, I could use someone to man the bottle toss booth.

Don't worry, Daisy Duke, I got it covered.

The weather is really nice tonight.

(Speaking Portuguese)

It's that perfect temperature where you can wear a light jacket without getting pit stains.

I am not translating that for your own good.

You're trying to connect with her, not sedate her for surgery.

Try getting to know her.

Ask her what she wants to be when she grows up.

(Speaking Portuguese)

(Speaking Portuguese)

She said that she wants to be a filmmaker whose documentaries change the way people see the world.

Really? She said all that?

Yep, Portuguese.

So much said with such few words.

Tell her how much I love documentaries.

Next! Step right up.

Knock 'em down, and win your sweetheart a prize.

♪ Hey, wait a minute, just a minute ♪
♪ I was ready for the flight ♪

Aw.

♪ Got my bags packed ♪
♪ waiting on the driver ♪

Let me help.

(Gasps)

(Mutters in Portuguese)

What'd she say?

I don't speak Portuguese, but I think she said, "butt out!"

I got carried away. I'm sorry.

I promise it won't happen again.

It better not, C-3PO, or I'm gonna take you apart and sell you for scrap metal.

Uh...

(Pinball bells ringing)

Huge favor to ask.

I'm trying to spend the weekend in San Francisco, if you know what I mean, but he has this real grenade of a cousin, and you know Brazilians and their cousins.

No. Is that a thing?

Huge.

Please take her off my hands for a little bit.

I promise, she's no Gisele, so there's seriously zero chance you'll be bundchening in your pants.

Pretty, pretty please?

Fine. I'll do it.

Ah! You're the bestest.

Raquel! (Whistles)

You said she was a grenade.

I can hardly look at her.

Owe you one.

(Speaking Portuguese)

His family owns a small bakery in Rio, and he says you smell better than the shop on a Sunday morning.

No, he didn't.

You pulled that from one of your stupid movies.

No, I didn't. It's word for word, I swear.

Tell him thank you, and he smells really nice too.

(Speaking Portuguese)

Uh...

He wants to take you on the Ferris wheel.

What's going on? He seems upset.

(Whimpering and screaming)

(Siren wails)

(Panting)

What's wrong with you?

Your scheming sent poor Manolo to the hospital!

I was just trying to set a romantic mood.

Remember that scene at the end of Never Been Kissed?

Oh! My life is not a movie!

You are not the director, and you can't press fast-forward!

(Rock music)

♪ ♪

Yum.

(Speaking Portuguese)

I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you're saying.

She said you have lips like pink, pillowy clouds.

Um...This is not what it looks like.

I'm just doing a favor to Shane.

He's hooking up with her cousin.

You know Brazilians and their cousins.

It's okay.

No need to explain.

I'm... I'm glad you're moving on.

Karma, there you are!

You know, Lauren's looking for someone full of hot air to help blow up some balloons.

Enjoy the rest of your date.

As you were.

(Somber music)

♪ ♪

(Sighs)

Oh, look, you're back.

Hmm.

Yeah.

That happened while you were away.

I fell in love with my best friend, and I finally got the guts to tell her, and everything got weird.

And now she can't wait for me to fall for someone else, but every time I look at her... (sighs)

My stomach gets these fluttery, "I think I'm gonna barf" feelings.

And as much as I want them to go away, I kind of don't, you know?

Yeah.

I'm a human sinkhole.

Stand back.

We... Kiss... Now?

Ugh! This is a school fair, people, not a third-world red light district!

Pooh!

I really wanted that stuffed banana.

We have a winner.

What the (bleep) are you doing?

Um, volunteering out of the kindness of my heart.

You're welcome.

We're not socialists.

We don't give away prizes just for playing!

Give me that back, Brandi!

No, this is my prize!

For what, being the school slut?

Ugh!

(Fabric tearing)

(Grunts)

Now it's your prize for being the school's biggest bitch!

Ouch.

What?

I know they all feel that way about me just because I don't want to hold hands and sing We Are The World.

Yeah, that's weird.

Like, once a month, maybe, but every day in homeroom, ugh.

Just you wait. That's just the tip of the melting iceberg.

I'll admit, compared to my old high school, this place is stranger than my cousin's inverted nipple.

Right? Thank you!

But it's also kind of awesome.

Oh, crap, you drank the kool-aid.

Come on! There's no bullying, no silly cliques, no sodas in the vending machine.

Those are just empty calories.

Look, I'm not saying you have to start wearing leather.

Just loosen up a bit.

Are you calling me uptight?

Just look around.

Everyone's having a great time except you, and I bet you're even prettier when you smile.

See?

I was right.

(Chuckles)

(Cheerful music)

♪ ♪

What do you think you're doing, Nancy Drew?

I'm helping Amy move on.

So you can be with Liam?

What? No!

It's not about that.

I-I want her to be happy.

And why are you so angry at me?

What did I ever do to you?

You pretended you were a lesbian to be popular.

On behalf of my people, we find that off-putting.

You were the one who outed me.

You could have corrected me, but you didn't.

You used your witchy ways and made my two favorite people fall for you.

And I have no clue how you did it.

Nope, still don't get it.

How happy would you be if I started singing "You're the one that I want" right now?

Where's Fabiana?

I saw you two speaking the universal tongue.

She's a really good kisser, but when I touched her, she turned me into an oompa loompa.

(Both chuckle)

I'm sorry.

I pushed you to move on too fast.

I just really want...

Me to fall in love with someone else.

I know, I get it.

I never expected the way that I love you would somehow not be enough.

You deserve someone who makes you happy.

You make me happy.

You know what I mean.

(Laughs)

I do.

And I promise I will move on, but it just might take a while.

♪ What's on your mind ♪

What do we do until then?

(Rock music)

Don't let us off until her face turns green.

It's just a ride. It's just a ride!

That they built today!

(Both screaming)

Aah!

I'll be sad when the Brazilians leave.

They've taught me so much about avoiding tan lines and getting the perfect calves.

Where's Raquel? Looks like you two were having some serious international relations.

I sent her home.

You know, this may come as a shock, but I'm not ready to move on from Karma.

(Gasps) What? No!

If you're so smitten, then go be with her.

She's clearly still into you.

Just go forgive her for lying and live happily ever after.

I did forgive her.

That's not what's standing in the way.

So what is?

Um...

After you told me the truth, I got really drunk, and I slept with...

Oh, wait, let me guess. Brandi.

Soleil?

That girl from homeroom?

Amy.

Oh, my God.

I know.

The guilt is k*lling me.

I have to tell Karma.

(Karma screams)

Whoo-hoo!