02x08 - Zen and the Art of Pageantry

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Faking It...

I really like you.

Lesbians move fast and they are viciously territorial.

I told you from the beginning, I'm not coming out.

There's no shame.

I just have to land some sponsorships.

I can't do this if Karma's gonna be lingering in the background.

I'm just trying to help.

You're making things worse!

Your parents think that you're still with Amy.

Why does it feel like she's your girlfriend and I'm second best?

Karma, tell your face I forgive you.

Oh, thank God. I can't take both of you being mad at me.

Both of us?

After dinner the other night, Liam and I got into a huge fight.

He feels second place to, well, you.

Because he is.

I mean, not that it's a competition.

I need to show him how much he means to me, so I've decided to come out to my parents and tell them Liam's my boyfriend.

They're gonna be really disappointed.

They just got matching rainbow tattoos.

I know, I should have said something earlier, but it felt so nice to be their favorite child for once.

Have you thought about what you're gonna say?

I was knocked unconscious in a particularly brutal game of dodgeball and woke up straight.

Maybe if they're high when you tell them.

Have you thought about telling the truth?

You know that's not how my brain works.

Yeah.

But it would make Liam really happy.

He's never told a lie in his life.

Oh, God, they're gonna be so disappointed.

Well, at least they still have your brother in the Peace Corps.

Sorry, not helping.

Oh.

You look even more beautiful than I did when I won Miss Teen Cactus Flower 20 years ago.

To be fair, we didn't have today's cosmetics back then.

Are you gonna invite this new boy you've been seeing?

Absolutely not.

Some guys find pageants a little weird.

I hate to say it, baby, but I think pink's more your color.

Under the floodlights, that blue's gonna make you look like an albino child hooker.

Bruce!

What?

Pfft.

You guys are taking this dress more seriously than Nana's breast cancer scare.

We all know that you hate pageants.

But remember, they're the reason I'm a meteorologist today.

Oh, they taught you how to smile vacuously for the camera?

They paid for my education.

I've always dreamed of having a daughter I could share the pageant experience with.

And now I do.

[Both laughing]

Plus, this one could actually win.

[Clicking pen rapidly]

I can't believe she said that.

What do you care?

You wouldn't want to enter anyway.

But if I did, I could win.

Well, you would rock the swimsuit competition.

See, I could at least make it to the finals.

That would be hilarious.

You could blow the whole thing up by calling out how sexist pageants are.

Are we women or are we prize cattle at the county fair?

Moo.

I think I'm gonna do it.

Wait, really?

Yeah, I'm gonna show my mom that I can win that crown.

And then take down the whole pageant industry!

Yeah, that too.

After I win.

How does anyone take these names seriously?

Missionary? Full mount?

I'm surprised there's no move called "deep penetration."

Oh, there is. You want me to show you?

Mm-hmm.

♪ Dance with me ♪
♪ And shake your bones ♪

All these private sessions are starting to pay off.

♪ He's been waiting ♪

Keep it in your pants, junior.

You got a big match tomorrow.

You're gonna need all your juice.

Sure thing, dad.

Dad?

You must be this Shane he keeps talking about.

Kinda skinny for you, ain't he?

You get him to sign that NDA yet?

NDA?

Non-disclosure agreement.

You mind signing one real quick?

[Scoffs]

Hey, family. Family adjacent.

Honey, what are you doing here?

I'm doing what you always wanted, mother.

I'm entering a beauty pageant.

[Both laughing]

Oh, I needed that.

Well, let's go review your choreography.

This morning, your fouettés were a little limp.

And who's this?

Oh, this is my coach.

Mm-hmm.

I'm Reagan.

Mm-hmm.

[Laughs]

Could we... [Stammers]

Why are you doing this?

For world peace.

Right. Not to embarrass me by flaunting your purple-haired friend in everyone's face?

You know, I have a reputation to uphold.

Don't worry, mother. I'm not here to embarrass you.

I'm here to win.

Mmhmm.

Oh, God.

Hey, Farrah!

I really appreciate you doing this for me.

But why are you so worried?

Your parents are the most nurturing human beings on Earth.

Mom is president of PFLAG and Dad created a smoothie based on my sexuality.

Worst-case scenario, he might have to rename "Lezberry Bast."

Mom, Dad!

Oh, hi, honey.

I am so glad you're home.

Liam, what a nice surprise.

My brother from another mother.

[Chuckles]

Uh, Liam's here because, uh...

I... we...

I have something I want to tell you.

Oh, that's great sweetheart, but can't it wait?

Because we have a big surprise.

Look who's back from saving African children!

[Laughs]

Zen.

Is that my little sis?

Hester's very first lesbian homecoming queen?

I'm so proud.

Bring it in.

[Chuckles]

[The Star-Spangled Banner plays]

See? I knew you'd k*ll it in the swimsuit round.

But my talent only got a five out of ten.

Nobody respects how hard it is to yo-yo.

Hey, it's still better than the girl who did r*fle twirling.

Because she sh*t herself in the foot.

Trust me, hey, you've got this on lock, and I kind of like seeing you all glammed up.

Uh, I can't.

Lipstick.

Careful of that ankle wobble thing you always do when you're in stilettos.

Right, right.

I don't want to see that, and no stomping.

Mmhmm.

Right?

You just prance, my little show pony.

Okay?

[Clears throat]

What? He just wants me to win.

Every parents wants their kid to win.

He's taking it to another level.

Because he knows how bad I want it.

Which is why exactly?

Because you just love being judged on how you look in a bikini?

Hmm, you wouldn't understand.

Please, I am doing this because I have something to prove, and I can tell you do too.

But are you trying to prove it to yourself or to him?

Trying to get in my head?

Maybe you're cut out for pageants after all.

And now, for the anticipated evening gown round.

First up, Lauren Cooper!

Ah.

Prance, little show pony.

[Applause]

[Upbeat techno music]

♪

[All gasp]

[Crowd murmuring]

Next we have Amy Raudenfeld!

Oh, God.

[Scattered applause]

Oh.

I love her.

[Low chatter]

Statuesque.

That's my daughter up there! Oh!

Oh, you poor thing, you must have been terrified.

Well, I didn't have the luxury of being terrified.

You know, those people needed me.

So I took my fear and turned it into strength.

That's why I hope to return soon and set up an orphanage.

Wow, that's amazing.

The kids are so inspiring.

You know, I really identify with their struggles.

Mom and dad adopted you in Houston.

Both: But you were born in our hearts.

What about you, Liam?

What journey led you to our family table?

Well, I think Karma would like to tell you all about that.

[Chuckles]

Um... I was knocked unconscious in gym, and when I woke up, Liam was there, and we became study buddies. [Chuckles]

You can't be serious.

I know you would never leak anything, but I have to protect myself. Will you just sign it?

I wonder if this is how Katie Holmes felt.

Son, I might have lined up your first sponsor.

Are you serious? Who is it?

Everlast? Nike? Muscle Milk?

Closet Town?

Cluck-n-Go.

Sweet!

We're gonna do our own photo sh**t today and show them how amazing you'd look as the face and body of their company.

Good idea, I'll do some push-ups right now so my chest looks jacked.

I'll grab the sandwiches.

Be back in a jiff.

Are you sure about this?

I mean, Cluck-n-Go is a super conservative Christian company.

They practically grill their chicken over hellfire.

They're also my sh*t at going pro.

And they taste delicious.

I thought tonight was about coming out to your parents.

Look, I promise I will tell them next week when Saint Zen has ascended back to Heaven.

First, you don't want to hurt Amy, then it's the school, and now it's your family.

Do you really want to be with me?

Of course, I do. That's not what...

Liam, can you help me get the wheat germ from the top shelf?

[Sighs]

Wow, what a bind.

Tell our parents you're a fake lesbian or lose your boyfriend.

Mom and Dad are gonna be so disappointed to learn that Lezberry Blast was just a flavor of the month.

You made it to the finals!

Okay, time to blow this [Bleep] up.

After they ask you the first question, I'm gonna wait for you to say the first sentence of your speech.

Beauty pageants destroy women's sense of self-worth.

Right, then I'll start our slide show of emaciated models with rotten teeth, and you'll continue your speech about the unrealistic expectations of beauty men put on women.

Got it.

Then you'll say, as an out-and-proud lesbian, you could care less what men think.

Uh, we did not talk about that last part.

I know. Uh, I just added it.

Genius, right?

I gotta go load the slide show on the laptop.

You're gonna k*ll it.

Whoo, k*ll it! Ugh!

Oh.

You look stunning.

Well, you always did like me in a dress.

Honey, when you entered, I thought you were doing it just to mock me like you usually do, but I was wrong.

I'm sorry I misjudged you.

You know, when I found out I was having a little girl, I was so excited.

I couldn't wait to dress you in pink and go shopping and share clothes, but you were never that girl, and I had a hard time letting that go.

I've wanted to connect with you for so long.

Seeing you up on that stage, it means the world to me. Thank you.

And your girlfriend Reagan seems like a lovely young woman.

You should invite her over sometime for dinner so we can get to know her better.

I'd like that.

Oh.

Oh, don't tell Lauren, but I'm rooting for you.

[Giggling]

Oh, knock 'em dead.

What's the best way to deal with I.S.I.S.?

Drones.

Russian aggression in former Soviet Bloc countries?

Drones.

North Korea?

Drones. The answer is always drones. I'm not a [Bleep] idiot.

Well, of course you aren't.

But foreign policy isn't exactly your strong suit, and after that evening gown debacle, we need all the points we can get.

Oh! Why is it so important to you that I win this stupid pageant?

Wh... Because it's important to you.

Only because you've been signing me up for pageants since I was five!

The same year you found out I was intersex.

Oh, now, honey, hush. Let's not talk about that here.

All this time, I thought you were proud of me, but...

Really, you're ashamed, aren't you?

Oh, baby girl, that's not true.

And now, for the final round, the interview.

Thanks for the pep talk, Daddy.

This is enough food to feed my entire village.

Well, ever since we introduced baked goods, the juice truck's really taken off.

Zen, I wish you could have been here when Karma and Amy were crowned homecoming queen.

They even made it onto the evening news.

So, where is the other half of this power couple?

Uh...

Well, you see, it's a good story.

And hopefully accurate.

[Sighs]

I'm straight, and Liam's my boyfriend.

You're kidding.

Oh, dear God. Oh.

Honey, what... Why would you be so cruel?

Because... you've never been as proud of me as the day I came out, and...

I liked how it felt for you to be proud of me.

Lucas, what have we done?

We've dimmed her inner flame.

Come here, honey.

Family cuddle, come here.

Oh, we are proud of you no matter what.

But you're 100% sure you're not even questioning?

No, right, right, that's not the point.

How can you let her off so easy?

She's mocking the gay rights movement.

It's not her fault, Zen, it's ours.

We created a situation where she wasn't comfortable being herself. Oh.

[Scoffs]

Well...

I quit the Peace Corps. Yeah.

I'm an assistant manager at Suburban Suppliers.

[Gasps]

In Dallas.

[Shudders]

[Gasps]

I was afraid to tell you because I thought you'd be disappointed in me.

But I just couldn't handle living with near constant diarrhea and no A.C.

Mmm.

Oh, sweetie. Oh!

All right, let's see that k*ller smile.

Bring the chicken burger closer to you.

There we go.

Don't! I can't stand here and watch you do this.

Cluck-n-Go is a horrible corporation that has fired gay employees and given millions of dollars to anti-gay causes.

They also give money to M.M.A. fighters, so less talkin', more eatin'.

Look, if you don't want to be a role model, I get it, but it's on a whole other level to be the spokesman of a company that's actively working against our rights.

Son, we're not selling politics.

We're selling chicken. Eat the damn sandwich.

Don't eat that h*m* sandwich.

I hope you don't choke on it.

I know you have a tricky gag reflex.

All sides... heretofore... Sand Storm?

[Light applause]

Thank you, Krystal, for that illuminating answer about Syria.

And now, we have Amy Raudenfeld.

[Light applause]

Not everyone looks on pageants in a favorable light.

What would you say to their detractors?

[Machine whirring]

Um...

It's... it's a very complex issue.

And I could see both sides.

[Approving murmur and light applause]

I'll answer that question.

I'd say the detractors are right.

Who wears stilettos with a bathing suit?

Who tapes underwear to their butt?

Is this what real girls do?

And is this how we should be judged, by how pretty or girly we are?

Well, I've been judged enough, and I'm done.

[Crowd gasps]

Can I do my question over?

Goodbye, butt tape. I will miss you the least.

[Laughs] Wow.

[Sighs]

I did not figure you for a pageant girl.

You know, there's a lot about me you don't know.

Here's the deal. I really like you, and if we're going to have a real relationship, you need to know the real me, because I don't want to hide who I am anymore for anybody.

You're not an alien, are you?

'Cause that could be a deal breaker.

It's not something bad.

At least, I hope that's not the way you see it.

Last time I had this conversation with a guy, things didn't go so well.

See, I'm not your average girl.

We had a plan, and you didn't follow through.

Look, I couldn't do that to my mom.

It literally would have k*lled her.

You didn't introduce me as your girlfriend, and then you didn't want to say you're a lesbian.

Are you straight?

No, I'm not.

Where is this coming from? You know I'm into you.

I had this girlfriend that I was crazy about.

And then she dumped me to get back with her ex... boyfriend.

First, I don't have an ex-anything.

And second, I'm not her.

She told me I was a phase.

I can't go through that again.

Hey, you're not a phase to me.

♪ Working its wonders and now for you ♪
♪ Under the ocean, outcast with nowhere to go ♪
♪ Nowhere to go, nowhere to go ♪
♪ A brighter forecast, new winds will blow ♪
♪ We let it go, we let it go ♪
♪ A storm that's drawing near ♪

Are you ready?

♪ And the air is clear ♪
♪ Waste my youth chasing kites ♪

[laughs]

[Laughs] I'm so proud of you for being honest with your parents.

I'm proud of me too.

[Both laughing]

God, it feels so good to get that off my chest.

Oh, you were totally right about lying, it's the worst.

Not only are you insanely hot, but you also make me a better person.

[Chuckles]

Wait, Karma.

I have to confess something.

Okay. [Chuckles]

The night we broke up...

I slept with somebody.

It didn't... it didn't mean anything.

I was hurt and upset and angry.

Well, this isn't fun to hear.

But we weren't together when you did it, so I can't exactly hold it against you.

[Sighs]

I mean, it's not like it was with someone I know.

It's not like it was with Amy.

Get out.

Wait, please, Karma, just...

Get out!

[Sobbing]

[Cell phone vibrating]

Next on Faking It...

We are forming our future civilization.

Have you guys seen Karma? I need to find her.

She knows about me and Liam.

Both: She knows?

You know?

You know?

Did you eat Brandi's brownie?

Karma, you can't just shut me out.

I've got nothing to say to you.

Karma's gonna k*ll her.

There's no fixing this. Our friendship is over.