02x02 - Like Riding a v*g1n* Bike

The adventure begins.

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Were you drunk this time?

No.

Me neither.

My November rent.

Only fair, 'cause I didn't give you any notice.

No.

Hope it works out for you, rebound girl.

Yeah, you better f*cking run!

She wasn't my first girl. Or my second.

Well, she seemed pretty eager to get back on that bike, didn't she?

I thought I lost you.

My brilliant wife has just accepted a seat on the prestigious Hamilton School Alumni Board.

Mom?

I don't know what you think you heard.

We got some negotiating to do, don't we?

Lori: This whole "niece that fell from the sky" issue continues to bother me.

Ava: Lori has assigned me to use the interwebs to find out whether Izzy is or isn't your niece.

sh1t.

She knows I can do it. I can do it.

Emma: We got the theater project.

Jack: That's so great.

Well, everyone says I'm gonna get partner.

[Doorbell rings]

Carmen: You do remember we're having everybody over for the game tomorrow, right?

We're doing this.

We are?

f*ck yeah, we are.

This is our choice, and this is what we want.

Do it.

[Rap music playing]

♪ What's up? ♪
♪ What's up, what's up? ♪
♪ What's up? ♪
♪ What's up, what's up? ♪
♪ What's up? ♪

[Indistinct rapping]

[Music stops]

[Exhales]

[TV chatter]

What are you f*cking doing?

Don't f*cking do it.

Don't f*cking...

She knows.

I'm trying to save you from yourself, dipshit.

Yeah, well, maybe you should try and save yourself from that... that...

God damn it, you look super cute.

Really?

[Chuckles]

Thanks.

So you'll help me with the toast?

Nah, I think I'll let you tie the noose and kick out the chair.

Great party.

Hey, Gabe.

Hey, little brother.

Hey.

What in the Sam f*ck are you doing?

You know what? Not now, Gabe, okay?

Mm.

What are you doing?

What was that about?

Mm.

Again.

Ohh!

You cheering against the Ducks? Is that what's happening?

You ready?

Everyone has drinks.

Okay, let's do it.

[Clears throat weakly]

Man: Yes! Oh! Beautiful.

Jack: [Clears throat]

Izzy: Yo.

[Indistinct conversation]

Uh, can... can someone pause the game for a second, please?

Don't do this.

I have to.

Don't pause it.

Yeah.

Okay, could everybody... raise their glasses?

Drinks up.

We have some very exciting news we want to share with you because, really, we're more like family than neighbors.

Aren't we?

When you really think about it?

Yeah, we are.

Okay, um...

I'm Izzy.

This is Izzy.

She just said that.

I'm sorry. I don't understand what's going on here.

Why... why are you presenting your niece like it's her coming-out party?

It's act... [Chuckles] it's kind of funny you used the phrase "coming out," um, because...

Because, um, I'm not their niece.

Woman: Oh.

Man: Um...

We're together!

We're a throuple.

[Murmuring]

We're living together, like romantically.

Mm-hmm.

[Murmuring]

Yeah, so cheers, everyone, okay?

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

[Chatter]

Keep Portland weird.

Keep Portland weird.

Oh, my God.

[Cellphone clicking]

A third... what's that called? Polygamy?

Polyamory.

Polyamory.

So Emma's bisexual now?

Yeah, yeah. I guess, yeah.

We both are. I'm bisexual.

Sorry, I...

H... hang on.

Um, Ava, you're the one who showed me Jacqueline Isabelle's profile.

What?

I... I... I don't...

Oh.

The Trakarskys and... and the Amaris are scheming against me once again.

Only this time, they've recruited my own daughter to cover up their degenerate sexcapades.

You know, wow, really does sound tawdry the way she says it.

And, little Missy, you can say bye-bye to that shiny new 3 Series.

No, no, no. I earned that car.

I'm gonna be class president.

Mm.

Ava, not to pile on, but that deal's off the table now that I don't work there anymore.

You were also bribing her?

God damn it, we really should've brought notes.

Yes. Yes, they... they tried to bribe me.

And Emma threatened to break my leg if I didn't help them.

[Murmuring]

I was so scared, Mommy.

"Mommy," really?

Seriously?

Okay, you know what? Everybody calm down.

While certain elements of what Ava said are true...

Yeah, let's... let's stick to the facts, Ava.

I threatened to hurt her if she told her mother, not to make her help us.

Oh, well...

Emma.

[Murmuring]

Then suddenly our lives became a suburban revival of "The Crucible."

This deviant relationship... i... it might be official now, but your contract with the Hamilton School is not.

And I promise you the Alumni Board are gonna find this new information very interesting.

[Chuckles]

You're awesome.

[Murmuring]

Em...

Emma: It's all cool.

Everybody just... you guys relax.

Don't look so worried.

It's fine.

We're so f*cked.

No.

No, we are so f*cked.

I'm gonna lose my promotion, and...

I mean, what was I thinking? What was I thinking?

Who threatens to break a little girl's leg?

We're gonna lose everything.

No, we're not.

Yeah, we are.

No, we're not.

Yeah, we are.

We're gonna lose everything.

Emma, no, listen to me.

Yes, listen, you don't have a job.

I'm gonna lose...

Listen to me, okay?

Kiss me.

Kiss me like you saw my plane crash, but you didn't know I parachuted out until I came up behind you and tapped you on the shoulder.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay, s... so that's, like, a thing with you guys.

Well, I... I can do that.

Watch this.

Kiss me like I just went Uma f*cking Thurman on 40 ninja assassins, and... and zip-lined you to safety.

[Both chuckle]

All right, my turn.

Kiss me like we're two astronauts, and there's a comet headed for the earth.

And we mount it, we manage to divert it, but at the last second, your boot gets stuck.

Oh.

Right?

And I'm like, "I'm not leaving you, honey.

No way," right?

And then the Aerosmith song starts playing, and we stop bickering just long enough to grab each other...

Sorry.

Um...

So, it's not so much kissing as it is like... like knocking visors.

We're about to die anyway, so we take off our helmets.

Just grab each other by the face.

Well, yeah, but at which point, your head would, like, explode because you're hurtling through space at like a million miles...

Oh, just kiss me.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

I mean, I won't even ask how two people can possibly divert a...

You know what? I... I've got a good one.

Kiss me like I built a time machine and I went back to the night that Lori Matherfield's parents met, seduced her father, married him, devoted five years making sure that no version of Lori was ever conceived, built another time machine in our basement with, like, crude 1970s technology, then finally made my way to you.

Oh, that is good.

That is so, so good. [Chuckles]

Not as good as the astronaut one.

Okay, can you guys... disengage?

'Cause it's my turn.

Kiss me like...

You know what?

I'm gonna need a tongue break.

She's done.

No, you... you guys were great.

Yeah, awesome.

Thanks.

Okay, but just for the record, I had a really good one, so it's gonna be...

Hey.

... clearly the best of the night.

It's not...

Guys, it's not a competition.

Of course it's not.

No.

No, it's about you.

But if it was...

I would've won.

... I could...

Uh, guys.

It's a tie.

I declare this a tie, so thank you.

Okay.

And thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I can live with that.

I can totally live with that.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Deep down, you'll always know that I won.

Oh, come on. She...

You know what?

You were great. You were great.

♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪
♪ Round and round, round and round ♪

I can't believe they used our party for their dumbass announcement.

Should we start watching our language around Callie?

Why?

Gonna go to pre-pre-school next year and tell everybody to suck her dick?

I think we're fine. Ah-om!

Mmm.

Have you even told Jack what massive cock-turd he is yet?

Honey, it's 7:40 in the morning.

I will give him a thorough castigation when I get to work.

Should we have their backs on this thing?

Hey, hey.

No, of course not. That's stupid.

Freaking out is totally the appropriate reaction to have to your best neighbor friends pulling a permanent threesome.

Hello, Dave?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were doing a rhetorical monologue... kind of a one-woman show thing. There some in there?

I just can't help but feel a little bit...

Open, open.

... I don't know... Lori-esque.

Like, maybe we've become...

Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba.

... uncool.

Uncool?

What are you talking about? I smoke weed.

A... and I stay right on top of my Spotify Discover Weekly.

I mean, lately it has been recommending the Fray based on artists I like, which is, uh, a little unsettling.

You know, we say smoke weed, but when was the last time we actually did it?

When was the last time we did something sexual anyone would find remotely disturbing, even Lori?

When was the last time we even just...

Okay, I get it. So, you're saying that we're provincial and we're judgmental because what, we're... we're not cool anymore?

We're too uncool?

Does that matter to us?

No. [Chuckles]

No. No.

Oh, okay, 'cause I was gonna say yes.

f*ck, I knew it.

f*ck.

Maybe we start to clean it up a little bit.

[Indistinct conversation]

[Telephone ringing]

Hey, Dani.

How's it hangin', boss woman?

[Chuckles]

Sorry, that was... that was dumb.

Well, hey, what a surprise.

Yeah, so...

Uh... Wait, why?

Come on in, have a seat.

Okay. Um...

There is a little situation that I kind of want to get in front of.

You're referring to your new domestic arrangement?

Uh...

Very progressive, so cool, all about it, or don't give a sh1t.

Whichever, pick one.

[Chuckles] Wow.

Phew. You... You don't know how relieved it makes me to hear you say that.

Please tell me that you did not threaten to break the leg of a Hamilton student.

It was just a misunderstanding, right?

Um...

Well, I... I wouldn't categorize it so much as a misunderstanding...

f*ck a puppy!

What?

No! No puppy f*cking.

We... We were under a lot of stress.

Did you know that she was blackmailing us?

Honestly, this Lori person sounds like a real c**t.

Yes, she is.

She really is a...

Are... Are we using that word now?

We're owning it.

Look, everyone is scared shitless of her, and she has threatened to send out a blanket e-mail to all of the Hamilton parents if they didn't take this issue seriously.

We're gonna have to deal with it.

Okay.

Well, by "deal with it" you mean you've got my back.

Right, Dani?

Of course.

We're just going to delay the announcement of your promotion a couple of weeks.

[Chuckles]

I see.

You know, Danielle, you have been dangling partner over my head for three years now, always just jerking it out of reach at the last minute.

But instead of complaining ... instead of complaining, I keep grinding, and I nailed that Hamilton School...

Dangling, jerking, grinding, nailing...

I'm gonna stop you right there before this turns into a porno.

[Sighs]

We're also sliding you off Hamilton and onto the PBJ project.

What the f*ck is PBJ?

Overpriced clothing for rug rats to vomit on.

Wait, it might be one of those granola grocery stores where you're never really sure what they do or don't have.

Thanks, Danielle.

So much for women helping women.

I'm not a woman.

I'm an architect.

Are we good?

We're great.

We're amazing.

I'm really digging this new look you got going on here.

You're like that suburban mom with five kids who just wakes up in the morning, just like, "f*ck it."

Did you drive you minivan here?

Is that a no?

Are those slippers?

Yep, they're indoor-outdoor, okay?

I've been unemployed for like two days.

Will you let me enjoy a few more without any belts or zippers or shoelaces?

Mm-hmm.

That was quite the performance you three put on at the Amaris'.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

What?

No, it's nothing. It's all good.

Oh, really? It's all good, is it?

Mm-hmm.

Please.

You guys were like a slow-motion train wreck I couldn't seem to look away from.

Like, when did you and Emma actually decide to make that fucked-up decision? 'Cause last I remember, you ended it.

Hey.

You want to know what I think?

No. Absolutely not.

There's literally no part of me that wants to hear what you think.

I think it's entirely possible that you just introduced your first wife to her first wife.

Okay, you know what?

This... this has happened our whole lives.

The more you talk, the less sense you make.

I'm just gonna get up, walk away before you start yelling out random word combinations.

Blender, v*g1n*, fullback.

Yoga, pistachio. Buttplug.

f*cking unbelievable.

I don't want to know.

Hey.

I'm gonna quit my job.

You know, maybe... maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but real God damn soon.

[Gabe laughs]

That's awesome. That'd be great.

You know, unemployed polygamists?

Oh, yeah. You should just shave your heads and get, like, crazy tribal face tattoos.

You know, just f*ck it, right, cuz?

What do you think?

Yeah.

Be good for you?

Can we talk somewhere a little more, you know, private?

Sure, yeah, that's where I was going.

I'll leave you with this because it's suddenly taken on greater relevance.

I got a connection at Griffin College, and it seems they're expanding their psych department.

So I will get you a meeting, little brother.

Okay? Got some sauce right there.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a good one.

Did I hear you say that you were...

I hate my boss, and I want to quit my job.

Yeah.

[Chatter]

Hello.

Hello.

You're such a gaping asshole.

You're a walking tourist attraction.

The world's largest asshole.

So, what now?

Duh... pizza.

How are you not obese?

Uh, well, it's genetic.

From the aliens that my ancestors mated with thousands of years ago.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Just to make sure... you do remember that I quit my job, right?

Well, that firm has been ass-fucking me for three years now.

Man: Wow.

Sorry.

Not literally. That would be horrible.

Not to mention actionable.

Is "ass-fucking" an industry term for "made you partner"?

Yeah, well, that's kinda, sorta been retracted.

What? Seriously?

I'm so sorry.

You know how long I've wanted to start my own firm?

Honestly, I don't remember you ever saying that before.

Yeah, I mean, Dani's... Dani's trying to shove me out, so maybe I turn this into a leap.

You know? A... A leap into my bliss.

A bliss leap.

I'm gonna make this into a bliss leap.

Wait, are you high right now?

No, I... I don't know what I am.

I... I just, like... I just...

Listen.

Take it easy, okay?

Kiss me like we're...

Jack.

You don't need to do that.

Just tell me it's all gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

We're gonna be okay. I promise.

We are, right?

Yeah.

[Rap music playing]

So, I got a job at Shaun's bar.

That's why I wasn't in class.

So you dropped out of college to pursue mixology?

Respect. Good call.

I switched my class, smartass.

Mm.

But the point is...

[Sighs] I got a real job.

So you quit escorting.

For Andy.

Whoa, Nellie.

Just, you know, pump your brakes, Speed Racer.

Mnh-mnh, no.

So you're seriously falling for him?

I'm scared shitless.

I can't sleep.

I'm...

Do you really think that I'm rebound girl?

Well, that's...

Okay... I mean... define "rebound," because in basketball...

Oh, God.

Okay.

Nin, I just don't want you to get hurt.

I just broke up with him like five minutes ago.

So maybe it's love, but honest...

No, okay, I know.

It's like, um, eight years of suppressed Valentine's Days, all the 1980s Rom-coms, and every f*cking Jane Austen novel collided and became a super ovary.

[Music continues]

Listen to me, 'cause I need to be very super f*cking clear.

Do not say the "L" word to him.

Okay.

Not yet.

Not yet.

I can do that.

I mean, not do that.

Okay.

Okay.

Do you even want to be a college professor?

I don't know, to be honest.

I hadn't really thought about it.

I mean, 'cause I don't want to push you into anything.

Pbht.

What's that supposed to mean?

Pbht?

Oh, it's just...

[Cellphones chime]

Carmen and Dave.

Yeah.

Apparently, they want to go on a double date with me, you, and Izzy.

Seems like they're making an effort not to find us self-destructive and moronic.

[Chuckles]

I mean, that... that's something.

Yeah, here's to something.

Here's to something.

[Cellphone chimes]

Apparently, I have an interview at Griffin tomorrow.

Hey.

I mean, how bad can that be, right?

It's not like you're working the late-night drive-through at Taco Bell or anything.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, if... if you want to, 'cause, you know, I don't want to push you into anything.

No.

No.

Please don't.

I would not.

I'll just push you in this doorway right here.

[Cellphone ringing]

Oh, it's Emma.

Just take it.

I'd hate for you to get in trouble with the wifey.

[Cellphone beeps]

Hi, monkey.

[Door opens]

Andrew: Hello.

Oh. Oh, hey.

'Sup?

Izzy: No, it's just, uh...

It's surprising.

Stop that immediately.

Where do they want to go?

No, that's... I'm in.

Nope, it's all good. Bye.

[Clears throat] Andrew.

Isabelle.

Okay, this is still weird.

Well, doesn't help when you braid tongues in front of me.

I got to skedaddle anyway.

Emma and Jack are picking me up.

Aww.

Aww.

For a double date with Carmen and Dave.

Oh.

Amaris have chosen the venue... China Girl.

China Girl?

Oh, my God, they did that for you.

They want you to think that they're, you know, cool.

It's pretty cute.

Yeah.

Okay, wait.

You have to promise me that you're gonna get video of the 30-somethings dancing.

[Laughs]

You're a horrible person, but of course I will.

Bye, Boo.

[Door opens, closes]

[House music playing]

[Cheering]

[Chatter]

You chose this place?

Not me, this one.

I Googled "coolest Portland dance club."

You sure you didn't accidently type in "greatest concentration of assholes in one place"?

I might quit my job and start my own firm.

That's f*cking awesome.

I know. Can you believe it?

Yeah.

Is it raining in here?

I keep feeling these drops of...

I think it's sweat, babe.

Oh, God.

Em, I just took a giant sh1t in my pants.

I know, right? This place is amazing!

We can say anything.

Okay, guys, dance time.

Dave?

Dave: Oh.

Uh, I'm okay.

I... I'm just gonna do like a little shoulder thing here in the dark if that's okay.

Emma, don't do it. Remember last time?

Yeah, but I'm so much drunker this time.

Stranger sweat in my eye.

Honey...

Stranger sweat in my f*cking eye.

Okay, okay. All right, don't... careful.

Don't touch anything in there!

♪ Givin' it up for free ♪

Jack.

Come on, Jack.

♪ For free ♪
♪ Givin' it up for free ♪
♪ For free ♪
♪ Givin' it up for free ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Come on.

[Laughs]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Givin' it up for free ♪

[Laughter]

[Indistinct conversation]

Whoa.

That's, uh... that's romantic.

We tried. f*ck this hell hole.

Oh, there's my girl.

What were in there for? Four or five hours?

It was, uh, 27 minutes.

Did we ever go to places like this?

I don't know.

I have a vague recollection, but I can't tell if it was a fever dream or a horror movie we saw.

Think they even noticed that we left?

Oh, is this about the thing I said about the bike?

What bike?

You know, the one that Emma remembered how to ride really fast.

Hold on.

Are you saying y... you don't think Emma's bi?

You think she's just, like, gay?

I don't know what I think, Carmen, okay?

It's a lot for me to process, a lot of new information coming at me about my wife.

It feels like just yesterday, I found out she even kissed a girl.

Pretty much was yesterday.

Uh... Well, look at that.

Yeah, I had no idea.

It's, uh, time for us to be anywhere else in the known universe.

It's... Mm-hmm.

The sitter... we only had her for like 45 minutes tonight.

Okay. Okay.

You guys got to talk.

You know? I mean, all three of you.

Don't just let it gurgle around in there.

Yeah, you're right.

Okay. You're right.

Okay.

Come on, let's go.

Okay.

♪ Well, I've known since the beat ♪
♪ That I'm no measure in this song ♪
♪ Just the rest ♪
♪ Well, I've known since the beat ♪
♪ That I'm no measure in this song ♪
♪ Just the rest ♪

[Snoring]

[Snoring]

[Clears throat]

Water.

Dear God, why isn't there water?

Maybe there was water, and karma took it away from you.

Huh?

What's that supposed to mean?

Are you mad?

Mad?

Why would I be mad?

Who doesn't love a spirited public cuckolding?

Seriously?

We asked you to join us.

Right?

[Snoring]

Okay, on your side here, Snuffles.

Mm.

We just paid three 20-buck covers to share the ninth circle of hell with a bunch of sweaty, annoying hipsters.

Now this one is laying between us snoring like an obese octogenarian.

Am I the only one questioning our life choices right now?

Okay, I hear you.

But there is a small war going on inside my head right now.

Can we possibly do this in the morning?

Sure, why not?

I love you.

I'm sorry for being insensitive.

Vodka got up in me before knew what was happening.

Okay.

I love you.

You already said that.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

[Snores]

Jack.

You have to say it back.

I love you more.

[Snores]

♪ But love is trippy like that ♪
♪ Sometimes you think that you've got it ♪
♪ Nobody's gonna trick you outta this one, baby ♪
♪ But love will slip through your hands ♪
♪ You never know how to hold it, control it ♪
♪ You're gripping, it's tripping you up ♪