04x06 - Eat Your Strangers and Don't Talk to Vegetables!

Previously on "You Me Her"...

You sound like Mom.

Yeah, well, you know Mom was trying to help you the only way she knew how, right?

Says the guy that she refers to as her only son.

Little Gabe...

on point with his sass game.

[Laughs]

Somebody put a full-price offer on this house.

Helen is gonna do us a landlord solid and give us 72 hours to match it.

Gabe: Hey, are you the new girl?

I...

I didn't see you come in.

Sasha: Off Campus Guy, right?

Yeah, New Girl.

Nathan...

He's a wounded bird.

He just needs a friend.

You're test-driving him...

Coach Remi!

Portland's official poly guru?

If you could be any part of your couple's home, what would you be and why?

... The front door.

Why did you pick the front door?

Because I was closed before I met Jack and Emma.

Turns out I needed two keys...

to open my heart even though it could be broken.

So what are you exactly?

H...

he means, like, besides stuck?

[Xavier & Ophelia's "Every Sunset Has a Story" plays]

♪ A broken heart falls apart ♪ ♪ Two lost souls in the dark ♪ ♪ Find a way to make a change ♪ [Clears throat]

♪ It shouldn't be this hard ♪ [Clears throat harder]

Wakey, wakey.

Hmm.

Hmm.

I was having the best dream.

I was onstage with TLC in the "Waterfalls" video.

Okay, I can't hold it in any longer.

Are you gonna throw up on me?

No.

Oh.

But we have a surprise for you.

You do?

Mm-hmm.

♪ 'Cause every sunset has a story ♪ Okay, so I forgot to ask where.

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪ ♪ It's the beginning or the end ♪ Did I mention that I love surprises?

Where is it?

Where is it?

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪ What do you think?

Pretty cool, right?

Yeah.

Y...

yeah.

D...

definitely.

It's that, like, specific kind of cool that requires an explanation?

Any c...

Any...

Any color you want.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Izzy Silva...

You're the door!

Dude?

What?

You're the door...

Yeah.

...

opening up our lives in the most spectacular and surprising ways.

And we want the whole world to know it.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

I love my door.

Yes.

I love you.

I love my door.

Mm.

Well, that's disturbing.

Hmm.

Oh, geez.

Look at these two.

No shame whatsoever.

Aw.

Maybe their cable's out.

Hello.

I know.

Even there's a baby, ooh!

Okay.

We'll go back inside now.

Relax.

Yeah, we're gonna go inside and do the s*x now!

So you guys can keep walking.

♪ A second chance ♪ ♪ To change your mind ♪ Behold my door, bitches!

[Chuckles]

Behold this beautiful morning that we're having.

Cheerio.

Marigold.

Interesting choice.

My Great Aunt Enid used to plant marigolds.

My mother would say, "They're cheap and common, and dig in like weeds." Oh, my God.

She sounds nice.

Definitely not on the long list of HOA-approved colors.

Ticketable offense?

100%.

Dun-dun-dun.

Seemed appropriate.

Sorry.

Let the mustache twirling resume.

♪ ♪ So they bought you a door.

Mm-hmm.

How, uh, romantic?

It's not just a door, okay?

It's a beautiful bright orange symbol of our love and clearly you don't get it so shut up.

Where'd you go?

What?

I'm being...

I'm being late.

Remember?

You wear those hideous suburbadroid Crocs and, uh, I show up late to everything all day?

You're so annoying.

Just come on, you can start it after.

Okay.

Uh, so remind me.

You went to a poly coach so you could figure out that you are, uh...

what was it?

Polymonogamous.

Polymonogamous.

Yes.

Right.

Now, does Coach Whatsisballs know that he invented a word that contradicts itself halfway through?

Okay.

The word sounds stupid at first, but it's actually brilliant.

Like these Crocs.

Right.

They're basically Jack and Emma...

left, right.

When I wear them outside of a garden setting, people are very eager to tell me that I'm doing footwear wrong.

That's why I assigned them to you.

So you'd look stupid.

Shut up.

Anyway, here's the thing, is they start to feel really good, like...

like my feet have a special secret, but the world insists "they don't make sense as an everyday shoe." So you buckle under the pressure and you try something a little cooler, a little younger.

Um, and... ?

And people say that they make your calves look great but it's too late, 'cause you've already fallen in love with these goofy-ass Crocs.

In fact, you feel bad you ever doubted them.

Wow!

Right?

Anyway, today is officially "Inappropriate Day Drinking...

Day." There has to be a better way to say that, right?

Well, we're gonna have to postpone.

Why?

Well, aside from the fact that I'm a high-school vice principal...

Oh, please.

...

uh, and that's never gonna happen, I have a date.

Cool.

Yeah.

Cool.

Yeah, it is pretty cool.

Oh, hold on just a second.

Oh!

Uh, speak of the devil.

The tall, blonde, gorgeous devil.

Okay.

Yeah.

I got to...

I got to take this.

Sure.

So...

Oh.

You want me to go.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

I'll...

I'll catch up.

So I'll...

I'll see you at lunch?

I've got to rain check 'cause I'm super slammed.

But, um, later?

Yeah, it's all good.

Sorry.

All good.

Hey, you.

Jack: Honey, real-estate sh1t is always complicated.

Okay?

Don't let it ruin our mojo.

Yeah, well, how dare the bank tell us over an e-mail to find more money, you know?

If they want to ass ram us, they can do it to our faces.

Huh?

Hmm.

Well, seems like you and I are gonna have to have a very long discussion about human anatomy.

Over waffles, perhaps?

With caramel sauce?

Okay.

And pickles, please.

Wow.

It's amazing that that doesn't make your list of things that make you barf.

It's fascinating.

Jack, we can't give Izzy a door and then lose the house.

I know.

And we won't.

Um...

What?

Okay.

Well, promise not to be mad.

Uh, your mom is coming to visit.

And she's staying with Gabe.

So?

She's visited him lots of times.

Well, and I think that maybe...

you know, possibly...

he may have said something about inviting us all to dinner?

Oh.

[Scoffs]

So this is what all that clumsy espionage was about?

You and Izzy and Gabe?

Wait, are you suggesting that we ask Jo for money?

No!

No.

No.

Maybe?

No, okay?

There is a zero-point-zero percent chance of me asking her for anything ever.

[Toaster pops]

Well, come on, Jack.

Do you really think it's a coincidence, you know, that you started thinking of your mom and dad and how it was after he died...

just as you're about to start a family of your own?

I didn't bleach my hair, wear eyeliner, and start doing drugs because my dad died.

I did it to test my mom's love.

And she failed.

Yeah, well, maybe she was angry.

Maybe tough love was the only love she could give.

What would she be angry about?

Gabe says she has regrets.

Did, uh, calling me a faggot make the list?

Jack...

I'm sorry.

♪ ♪ Waffles.

Aw.

Caramel sauce and pickles, together again for the very first time!

Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪ [Computer rings]

Babe?

Dave: [Skipping]

H...

h...

hello?

Dave?

Are you there?

Aw, f*ck me!

Oh, no, not you guys!

That's...

What?

No!

Not to insinuate that any of you are unworthy.

You're all very attractive people, and I'm sure many people, many people would be honored.

Please just don't call your lawyers, all right?

Take a beat.

[Laughs]

Oh, I'm so happy that I could amuse you.

We need to fix this.

Oh, like pay them off?

That's a good idea.

No, no.

I'm saying we need to fix this you and me and this 500-mile gap between us.

Okay?

We need to fix that.

I miss you.

Really?

You love me more than fluffy robes, fresh sheets, and room service?

Yes.

Yes, of course I do.

Come on.

Convincing.

I do think we should maybe spring for some nicer sheets.

These thread counts are...

I'm learning a lot about thread counts here.

How's it going over there?

Oh, well, they've stopped being subtle about, uh, books two and three, so I kind of had to wing a pitch.

Oh, God.

How drunk did you have to get to decide that was a good idea?

Well, drunk enough that I woke up with a dozen cocktail napkins in my pocket all with individual words on them, like I maybe did like a Bob Dylan type of thing.

Look, this either says "flatulence" or "pestilence." And neither is really good for a kids' book.

Actually, the first one could work, you know, like, um, "Everybody Farts, Even Immigrants"?

You know what, Carmen?

You really are the wind beneath my sheets.

See, I was still going with the fart thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm just really tired and I know it's stupid but I think I've just let this local awards thing get to me and...

Okay, you know what?

You know what?

Tonight, we're gonna have a full cyberdate, okay?

And it's gonna end in FaceTime s*x because I am the surest thing on the West Coast.

You are an insatiable slut.

[Both laugh]

Wow.

And I may have a solution to your sequel problem, so...

Excellent.

Tonight, you and me.

No kids.

No work.

No interruptions.

Just me listening to you about your life and then we are going to mutually abuse ourselves in front of each other.

That sounds...

I mean, is that g...

I'm gonna need a clear "yes." I mean, I could start now if you want.

This is usually behind a paywall but if you...

you have to say "yes." Stop it!

Will this get you fired, if I...

Yes, yes, yes!

[Sighs]

Okay.

$20, $40, $64 and change.

Split the settlement however you like.

That should work.

That's plenty.

[Indistinct conversations]

Sasha: I find myself kind of liking that shirt for some reason.

Yeah, shirts are cool.

I like shirts.

Maybe it's the feminist allusion.

Yeah.

Hashtag Time's Up, bitches.

M...

meaning un-woke dudes.

I...

I didn't...

I didn't mean women.

It's about motherhood.

Yeah.

Moms.

So hot.

So are you into all girls or just the ones with children?

Uh, well, I'm pan, which we all know means that I can love or be attracted to a person of any s*x including but not limited to males, females, transgenders, transexuals, hermaphroditous people, androgynous people, and of course those with a sex-chromosome anomaly.

Wow.

So thorough!

Why aren't you, uh, seeing anyone?

Maybe you're just, um, confused by the expansive pan menu?

Yeah.

So confused.

Yeah.

Ca...

Can't sleep.

I'm like, which way do I go?

Dare you to ask out the next human who's into you.

Hey.

Sorry to barge in, um...

but that story you shared in last week's Alliance meeting...

it, uh, it just really moved me.

Awesome.

Hey, um, do you want to hang out?

Yeah, sure.

You free tonight?

Yeah.

Uh, it's a date.

I'll text you.

Cool.

Boom.

[Chuckles]

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ All right, I was undeniably a massive fuck-up as a kid.

I'm getting the instinct that you need to hold all my calls, Rebecca.

Yes, Dean Warren.

Thank you.

Sorry.

It's all good.

All good.

Everybody assumed I was on drugs, and so they started giving me drugs and voilà , next thing I know, I'm on drugs.

And my dad died, my mother was frightened that Gabe and I wouldn't have a male role model, so she transformed herself into the worst possible version of one.

Somewhere along the line, I realized my whole reason for waking up every day for the rest of my life would be to help kids like me.

God damn it, I'm good at what I do, okay, so if you think that this is just soft, navel-gazing bullshit, well frankly, Mother, I don't give a f*ck!

Um, did I just, um...

Just call me "Mother"?

Yes.

I didn't hear that.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

You're a good egg, Dean Warren.

Neva.

I want a raise, Neva.

You got it, Jack.

10%?

Just like that?

Mm-hmm.

Academia...

Never enough money.

We operate under the policy of Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.

Your Wellness Program, Doctor, is extraordinary.

A raise is long overdue.

Wow, thanks.

You're welcome.

Oh.

And, uh, eat your strangers and don't talk to vegetables.

Right.

We can just keep that between us, right, the Mother thing?

Yeah.

Yeah.

♪ ♪ Ah!

Jesus!

Word around campus is that you're quite suddenly pansexual.

More like I've come to terms with it.

Please tell me that you haven't dragged anyone else into this admittedly adorable play for Sasha's affections.

And choose your words wisely, like I might already know the answer.

Maybe I just think Alex is hot and I want to do all the stuff with him.

Oh, yeah?

So you're gonna date a dude to prove you're pan so Sasha thinks you're all woke-sexy.

I find that highly offensive, Miss...

Doctor.

Dr.

Izzy.

Mm-hmm.

Sorry.

It's just sounds like those old soaps where the 19-year-old dime is also a brain surgeon.

Okay.

I think there were compliments baked in there, so I'm just gonna proceed...

You're hanging out with someone who digs you and thinks you might dig him back, so please just be careful with his feelings.

Hello?

Huh?

You okay there, Dr.

Izzy?

Just be a decent person, is what I'm saying, okay?

He's a human being with feelings, not a car.

♪ ♪ Car?

[Cellphone rings]

Hey.

I got the raise.

Ah!

Then we get the house!

Okay.

Tell me everything you said, word for word.

Don't leave anything out.

Well, once you accidentally call your boss "Mother," everything else just seems like a detail.

I once ended a phone call with a collection agency with "I love you." And yes, that is the real reason we had to change our number.

We did it, Em.

We're home.

Yeah.

I love you.

I love you more.

♪ ♪ Yep.

[Groans]

Hey, your date's a hobo bottle?

Um, canceled.

You know, papers to grade.

Hmm.

[Bottles clink]

You know, when I assigned you "day drinking," I meant after school and off campus.

Then I...

Then I guess this is, like, super-mega-double badass, right?

Extra credit?

For sure, super badass, yeah, until you get fired and the new boss wonders how the f*ck I got this job.

Hmm.

Interesting.

Are you wondering?

All right, Drunky McDrunkerpants, let's get you out of here.

Okay?

I'm bringing this.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Okay.

Hello, friends.

They're good friends.

Go.

sh1t, sh1t, sh1t, sh1t, sh1t, sh1t, sh1t.

Okay.

[Ringing]

Hey!

Hey, babe.

I'm so sorry, the girls were just impossible tonight and...

Carm?

Can you hear me?

Yes.


Okay, good.

I think my agents brought me here to give me some bad news because, fun fact, no one's ever offed themselves in a lobby bar playing Duran Duran covers.

Couldn't tell them you needed a half-hour with the wife?

Man: Yo, Dave!

Your drink's here!

I knew you would understand!

So, do you have any sequel ideas for me?

I mean, you're the writer in the the family.

Could you help a hubby out?

Sweetheart?

You know, it feels like we're about to glitch again.

Really?

But, uh, you're coming in crystal clear.

A.

E.

I.

O.

U.

Are you doing, like, a..

was that just all the vowel sounds?

Is that supposed to make...

Okay.

So that's your answer then.

I see.

That's fi...

[Tablet beeps]

[Sighs]

You're on your own, champ.

Nathan: Oh, man.

Okay.

So, you completed the assignment.

Please remove those obscene abominations now.

My sweet, sweet Crocs?

Unh-unh.

Like I said...

The world may think they look weird, but to me they're just right.

Hmm.

Beep, beep.

Well, then, I hope you never catch them blowing your brother on Turkey Day.

You're concerned that my shoes might fellate the brother I don't have.

Booze is like LSD to you, huh?

[Whispering]

Shh.

We're not really talking about shoes.

[Whispering]

Oh, we're not?

No.

Oh, my God.

No, it's a meta-floor.

Mm-hmm.

A matador.

Mini...

Minotaur.

You're nai...

You're nailing this.

Yeah, right.

Say it for me?

No, you say it.

Meta-floor.

Can't say it.

Not even close.

No.

What are you looking for?

Oh, your balls.

Oh!

Okay, well, I mean, you know, between the two of us, you are the way bigger wuss.

You let two damaged sociopaths take a holiday away from you forever.

[Scoffs]

Oh, that...

that is nothing.

You let a pregnant suburban married couple take your entire life.

I'm just trying to be a good friend and give it to you straight-up.

We met like three weeks ago, dude.

You don't know sh1t.

That's a shame.

Let's play 20 questions.

Yeah.

No.

Well, okay.

I'm preternaturally intuitive, so five'll do.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you want to go first, or do I go first?

I'll go first.

Here it comes.

Okay.

Um, okay.

Mm-hmm.

Close-in suburb or downtown?

Oh.

Pearl District forever.

That was an easy one.

Yeah.

Okay.

Block party or authentic bar-bar?

Another round of Rusty Nails for me and the posse I don't got 'cause I thought my wife was my bestie.

Okay.

Uh, okay.

Stay up all night.

Are you watching the sun rise or whatever's on Netflix?

Ooh.

Sunrise every time.

Get rich or change the world.

Change the world.

No question.

And some day real soon, too.

Let me guess...

you were the weird kid with the frizzy hair and rainbow braces who demanded fair wages for the cafeteria staff?

Wow.

That is...

That is oddly specific.

You talking about me or you?

Yeah, me too.

Really?

Yeah.

Cheers.

I was a weirdo.

Boop.

Okay.

Pets?

Oh, yeah.

Like, a whole bunch.

Hmm.

Yeah, and I would marry Seb, 'cause I love him more than anything, not like in a weird way.

Just so you know, I don't think there's an un-weird way to marry your pets.

Kids?

Go.

Two girls and a boy.

You too?

What are your thoughts on pumpkin spice?

You know, I don't know what that smell is but it is clearly not pumpkin or spice.

Thank you.

Right?

f*ck.

Oh, my turn now.

Unh-unh.

There's no point.

Why not?

You already gave all my answers.

Well, that's not fair.

And you know, you're like...

like, a nice guy and you're funny and sometimes you look at me like you used to draw me as a child.

Have you been cyberstalking me?

Wow, damn, your...

your...

your crazy totally just ate my drunk.

I'm happy.

Mm.

I'm happy.

Okay?

Zero second thoughts.

So there's no point in test-driving you down the road not traveled...

less traveled.

I don't know, whatever.

How's...

How's that?

What?

Is that what we're doing?

You know, nothing that's gonna get you in trouble, but just enough to imagine the alternative?

I...

Mm-hmm.

...

would like to deny that.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm a dick.

It's...

It's all good.

Do they really love you?

And you really love them?

Yeah.

Look, Izzy, um...

You're gonna walk me home.

I am?

Yes.

You're gonna be a gentleman and you're gonna walk me home and you're gonna come in and you're gonna say hello to Jack and Emma.

Why?

Why?

Because we are friends, all of us, nothing to hide.

Nothing to see here, move it along.

Mm.

Am I right, friend?

Right, friend.

I'll bring this.

Party bus is on the move.

Okay.

Let's do it.

You want to get rid of those, probably.

Hmm, I don't know.

♪ ♪ Gabriel: Thanks for coming over, bud.

I didn't realize "Queer Eye" would be so moving.

I promise not to tell anybody about the wide-open sobbing if you, uh, stop calling me "bud." I get the point.

What?

No!

I...

Not every two queers are gonna be into each other.

It's cool, "bud." Seriously, Gabriel.

It's cool.

Alex, I like you.

I think you're smart and funny.

I just...

I'm trying to figure sh1t out right now.

Maybe this will help?

f*ck.

I totally misread that moment.

I am so sorry.

God damn it, Izzy was right.

I...

What're you talking about?

Alex, look.

You're a lot of things that I'm not.

Like a decent human being.

Into other guys.

Wait.

What?

I'm straight.

Like, like, weirdly straight.

Then why...

I thought Sasha would find it cool.

I...

Look, we can still be friends.

My mother says your dad's a f*cking Neanderthal.

Alex, come on.

Like father, like son.

Hmm.

♪ ♪ Both: "HOA Violation.

Marigold isn't on the approved list for exterior doors." Izzy?

Are you...

Are you okay?

f*ck Lala.

f*ck Hawthorne Heights.

I am so tired of dealing with this bullshit.

Wait here.

It's a...

It's a good idea.

♪ We both know it's insane ♪ ♪ We know it's not right, but we do it the same ♪ ♪ When you kiss me that way, it's okay ♪ ♪ I say "Oh, no ♪ [Knock on window]

♪ What you doin'?

♪ ♪ Oh, no...

♪ Okay.

This is, uh, a little cliché.

What happened?

I'm not pan.

Or gay.

Or bi.

I know.

I f*cked up so bad.

You actually went out with Alex?

Yeah, you definitely f*cked up.

Um, what were you thinking?

Tell me.

He's right...

I'm such an asshole, just like my father.

I never should've used him like that.

I never should have dared you.

We're both...

We're both assholes.

But we're gonna make it right.

I wish I could just go back in time and do what I wanted to do in the first place.

What?

♪ ♪ Any sober second thoughts?

Do you see any sober people around here?

'Cause I...

I don't.

Okay.

Okay, on three.

One...

No, this way.

Yeah.

One, two, three.

[Laughing]

♪ ♪ ♪ I don't care what you think about me ♪ ♪ And I'm never gonna fit in your society ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ It's a Union Jack and we're on the right track ♪ ♪ Better get yourself together ♪ ♪ 'Cause we're gonna fight back ♪ ♪ Stand up, boy, it's a revolution ♪ ♪ Can't stop me, this is evolution ♪ ♪ I don't care what you think about me ♪ ♪ I'm never gonna fit in the society ♪ ♪ I don't care what you think about me no more ♪ ♪ I don't care what you think about me ♪ ♪ I'm never gonna fit in the society ♪ ♪ I don't care what you think ♪