02x10 - Baby, Baby Where Did Our Love Go?

I don't want to be romanced.

I want to be loved.

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Clomid time.

You must really want a kid.

I must.

My professional recommendation would be surrogacy.

Well, how do we start?

Uh, how about we start with a conversation?

What are you guys talking about?

We want you to have our baby.

Like, our baby.

All three of us.

It kind of feels like, like we're supposed to do this together.

Does no one think we should just, like, hit the brakes just a little?

We're just going to delay the announcement of your promotion a couple of weeks.

Did I hear you say that you were...

I hate my boss and I want to quit my job?

You know how long I've wanted to start my own firm.

f*ck!

f*ck me!

Actually, I was yelling at my boss.

She found out I was scouting office space, so she's blackballing me at the few places I can afford.

So much for women helping women.

I'm not a woman.

I'm an architect.

What's this?

Hey.

Coolest firm in Seattle.

Thanks so much, Kylie.

I don't...

I don't even know what to say.

Everyone at Pinnacle is buzzing about me.

Wha-a-a-a-t?

I'm buzz-worthy.

Have you crossed into seriously considering this?

I have no f*cking clue who I am or...

or what I want.

I think we both know what you want.

So any old-dude advice on how to get it?

Go big.

[Sighs]

Emma, Izzy, will you start a family with me?

[Izzy chuckles]

Um...

Um...

O...

okay, I, um...

I'm really into the "us" part and...

the "love" part, but...

as far as this whole "family" thing goes, I mean, didn't we just enter this musing phase, like, yesterday?

Not the reaction I was expecting.

Well, what Jack is proposing is actually called "reciprocal in vitro fertilization." It basically means that, um, we'd be bringing two women to the party instead of one.

Um...

sorry, but kneeling is a...

young man's game.

Oh, sorry.

Here.

Uh...

Just...

Yeah, let's sit.

I'm a little dizzy.

Okay.

Whew.

How do you know all that in vitro stuff?

Interwebs.

So, you've been researching.

Which means...

that you're open to the idea.

Yeah.

In fact, um...

I did some Yelping for IVF clinics, and I made an appointment.

Relax, it...

it...

there was a cancellation.

The next opening was six weeks away, and we can totally wait if that's what you want.

Appointment to what?

To make us pregnant?

No, what...

no, no.

It's just a consultation...

just to make sure that the, you know, option is even on the table.

It's still your eggs, Em.

We'd all have to agree.

Yeah.

When is this appointment?

4:00.

Tomorrow.

Honey, it's just...

Yeah, no, I...

I heard.

It's just a consultation.

Are you mad?

'Cause we can...

we can totally blow it off.

I can call them back.

No, no.

I'm not mad.

I don't even know what I am.

[Sighs]

And I don't know if...

You know, I'm not sure if I still want a...

You're not sure that you still want a baby?

Well, f*ck.

That would certainly change things.

Seven years, Jack.

I think part of me just surrendered.

Okay, but...

what if you knew that it would work?

What if you knew the three of us could start a family?

Would you feel differently?

You really did all this?

[Chuckles lightly]

You think I'm crazy?

No.

Well, maybe a little.

[Chuckles]

So?

So...

let's do this.

Yeah?

But just...

just the consultation.

Okay, guys?

Just one step at a time.

Yeah.

Fair?

Definitely.

Okay, please tell me you did not stage this whole production with one bottle of champagne.

Oh, silly potential baby mama...

No.

Okay, good.

'Cause this lady right here might be staring down nine months of cold, hard sobriety.

So let's pop some corks, dickheads.

[Rich Aucoin's "Want To Believe" plays]

♪ In times like this ♪ ♪ I want to be a believer ♪ ♪ In times like this ♪ ♪ I want to be a believer ♪ ♪ Oh ohhh oh-oh ♪ ♪ I want to be a believer ♪ ♪ Oh ohhh oh-oh ♪ ♪ I want to be a believer ♪ ♪ Oh ohhh oh-oh ♪ ♪ I want to be a believer ♪ ♪ Funny how a good thing opens your eyes ♪ ♪ Makes you feel the branches ♪ ♪ Leads you to the pines ♪ ♪ I'll make you a map to me ♪ ♪ I'll be there in your sights ♪ ♪ Funny still how infatuation shuts you all up ♪ ♪ As it makes you a deadbeat son of a gun ♪ ♪ I'll be made into a mark ♪ ♪ With a heart ♪ ♪ Steadied and strong ♪ [Emma groans sleepily, cellphone chimes]

[Sighs]

Em.

Yeah?

You okay?

Mm-hmm.

[Sighs]

What time is it?

6:30.

Wait, what day is it?

Tuesday.

f*ck!

♪ ♪ What's wrong?

Izzy went AWOL again last night.

I think she's gonna have a baby with the Griswalds.

Not, like, today, but...

soon-ish.

You got to be f*cking kidding me.

Mnh-mnh.

She's gonna be double-married with children.

I can't imagine how our lives could possibly diverge more dramatically.

You could be single.

[Smacks lips]

I am single.

Is there something that you want to say?

No, I just...

I don't want to get all romantic again and scare you off.

I don't...

I don't want you to be...

single.

Way to ruin everything.

I know, I'm a f*cking asshole.

You're gonna have to go now.

I haven't had a boyfriend since...

Cross-country drive to...

Brown University.

Mm.

[Sighs]

We don't need, like, a label.

We could just...

Will you...

be my boyfriend?

Yeah.

[Door opens]

Izzy: We have a f*cking test!

[Whispers]

f*cking test?

We have a f*cking test?!

Huh.

You guys made up.

Had the intercourse all the kids are talking about.

Uh...

With this one?

No, that's gross.

We were studying for the test.

Yeah, you were.

You guys were studying each other's...

yeah, this...

that's not going anywhere good, so, let's do some cramming.

I'll be here.

Hey, uh...

girlfriend.

♪ ♪ Hey, boyfriend.

Hey.

[Chuckles]

Izzy: I can hear you.

♪ ♪ Oh, man, I didn't set my alarm.

Shh, shh, shh.

I turned it off.

Wh...

what would you do that for?

You're gonna make me late for work.

Do you hear that?

Hear what?

Exactly.

Should we be concerned?

No.

I checked on them.

Fast asleep.

Oh, and alive.

Oh.

Alive is good, yeah.

Did you drug them somehow?

Well, is bourbon considered a drug?

Oh, my God.

[Chuckles]

Oh.

Okay, so, uh...

I'll just show up late for work, I guess.

With an inscrutable excuse.

Let's be honest.

I'm probably gonna tell everybody in the office I'm having wild-animal morning-sex with my wife.

Men.

♪ ♪ Okay, I'm gonna tell everybody, including complete strangers.

I'll probably tweet it, too.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's the hurry?

It's...

We got to get going.

It's really late.

You're the boss at your new job, I hate mine, so, uh, let's take a minute.

[Scoffs]

Okay.

What's the deal with your starting your own firm thing?

Well, rent's obscene, I basically can't hire anybody ever, and, um...

yeah, this town already has about ten more firms than it needs.

So take a break...

right?

Can build up the firm from home.

Maybe stay with the baby.

[Scoffs]

Look, if you don't want it, I don't want it, okay?

You are the only man I've ever really loved.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Might be 'cause you're mostly gay.

[Laughing]

Yeah.

Sure.

That explains it.

Luckily my...

pheromones just busted through this lesbianic force field.

[Laughs]

I guess so.

I'd do anything for you.

You know that, right?

[Hooded Fang's "Almost Done" plays]

♪ Definition of last night's pine ♪ ♪ Open-ended till you fell behind ♪ Oh.

[Chuckles]

Lori: Hey!

Somebody's perky this morning.

Yeah.

You know, just feeling lighter.

Letting all that bad stuff...

go.

Sounds like a poop thing.

It's not.

But anyway, I have a feeling that you are gonna have a super-terrific day, neighbor.

Are you on something?

No.

Okay, well, um...

Thanks, Lori.

You have a super-terrific day, too.

Oh, I will.

Bye.

Ava: Glad somebody's happy.

[Groans]

I get to spend another morning in the girl's bathroom trying to flush the scent of asparagus urine out of my nostrils.

Oh, I almost forgot.

No f*cking way.

Yes f*cking way.

Fresh start, clean slate.

But you do have to pay it forward.

Meaning?

[Sighs]

Well, don't be an asshole.

This feels like a trap.

♪ ♪ Okay, it's noon o'clock somewhere.

[Sighs]

You know what?

I am totally cool leveraging the prospect of eventual pregnancy as an excuse to drink...

almost constantly.

Hey, you know what the PSA says...

"Friends don't let friends binge-drink alone." Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

So let's get it?

Get it.

Get it.

Get it, girl!

Shaun, here we come.

You just snorted.

I did a little bit.

[Coughs]

What?

You start work in 47 minutes.

That...

That's at noon.

So?

Uh, it's just...

you can't fulfill the duties of a skilled bartender when you're highly inebriated.

[Stifles laugh]

I could be drunk and a goldfish and still "fulfill my duties as bartender" better than you.

Oh, that's...

that's very funny.

Yeah, because it's very true.

It is very true.

Y...

you might want to take a look around 'cause it's just the two of you and, like...

barfly over there.

Anyways, I'm having a baby.

Now get us another shot.

We're celebrating.

[Laughs]

You're kidding, right?

Of course I'm kidding.

Geez.

Silly boy.

That wasn't funny.

Shots.

But seriously, I'm way pregnant.

Oh, whoa.

Oh, don't be doing that.

Oh, and she did it.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

One more.

I'm closing.

[Footsteps]

[Clears throat]

Sorry.

Can't seem to figure out how to not startle people.

Well, if I had a door, you could knock on it, but I don't because I'm stuck in a f*cking corner because...

I normally wouldn't interrupt you, but Ms.

Monro would like to see you in your office.

Don't you mean Dani wants to see me in her office?

That's what I thought.

She made me say it like a dozen times to make sure I got it right.

Ms.

Monro would like to see you in your office.

Southeast corner.

Dani: Come on in, Emma.

[Cheers and applause]

Yay.

Put 'er there, partner.

Uh, what's going on?

Well, I did a...

a little maneuvering.

You're heading up the Hamilton Theater Project again.

Press release for your promotion goes out this afternoon.

[Chuckles]


Uh, can I talk to you for a minute?

Of course.

I was going to present this to you at the party, but...

You're putting on quite a show, aren't you?

What the f*ck is that supposed to mean?

My neighbor, Lori Matherfield, she was clenching in such a big, fat, juicy secret this morning...

I thought she was gonna explode.

She's gonna tell me.

Fine, if you really must ruin it.

[Chuckles]

What, you mean expose this bullshit piece of theater starring you as the magnanimous senior partner?

There was a meeting...

at Hamilton.

Mm.

I kinda figured.

This Matherfield c**t...

Don't...

Don't call her that.

Oh, she's your buddy now?

I...

I don't know what she is, but...

you know, she's not that.

The jury's still out on you, though.

Do you really want to play it like this?

Just finish your story.

She called together the Alumni Board, Dean Weinstock, and a few other of the administrative types, and made a speech on your behalf.

And?

Like I said, you're back on the project.

And what if I say no?

What?

Why would you say no?

What if I decide not to head up the project?

We lose it.

Excuse me?

And I fire you so f*cking hard, Trakarsky.

Ooh, I'm scared.

And before the door hits your ass, I initiate the first of 100 calls to make sure you never work in this town again.

[Laughing]

Stop, I'm gonna piss my pants.

You play it as cool as you want, but...

we both know we're stuck with each other.

Now, why don't we go back to your new office, put on our big-girl smiles...

Oh, I can't.

I'm meeting a friend.

Um, but I will give you my decision as soon as I get back.

What f*cking decision?

There's no door number two, Trakarsky.

There's always a door number two, Monro.

♪ ♪ Did I happen to mention that my wife and I had wild, animalistic morning s*x today?

Yeah, like three times so far.

Why is it so...

gross when a guy brags about having s*x with his wife?

Yeah, like, when you tap Mila Kunis, you can brag, but telling people you tapped your wife...

it's just...

weird.

You're ruining this whole thing, thank you very much.

Okay, well, here's something...

me, Emma, and Izzy are gonna have a baby.

You're gonna have a threesome baby?

How is that even possible?

No, it's...

it's my s...

sperm, Emma's eggs, and Izzy's uterus.

But then we got to...

move downtown.

That is some very weird science.

Is there, like, a polygamist community down there or a...

some special school for children of threesomes I don't know about?

Well, it's just Izzy's part of the bargain.

We get her womb and she gets a loft.

Ah.

Translation..

she doesn't want to live anywhere near you boring losers.

Oh, yeah, because your gated community of uber-Caucasians gets the hipster seal of approval.

My backyard bocce ball tournaments get pretty f*cking wild after a few Belgian ales, David.

Whitest thing you've ever said.

I gotta be honest, you know, it's all happening so fast.

It's like one night you're prancing around an unfinished loft doing a fertility dance, and the next day, you're sitting across a professional talking about a three-parent baby.

What?

It's just...

one of those...

once-in-a-lifetime sentences.

Mm.

[Sighs]

Sorry the sitter bailed.

I was dying to get out of the house.

Oh, it's cool.

I had stuff to do at the house anyway.

I want to open one.

Do you want to open one?

What?

Yeah?

What do you...

What?

What did you have to do?

You know, like...

stuff.

You're being weird.

Sort of rerouting the conception strategy.

Yeah?

We have an appointment today to discuss other options at 4:00.

Okay.

What kind of options?

You know, like...

Izzy...

carrying our baby...

stuff like that.

Baby.

"Baby".

I know, right?

Hilarious.

Wait, you're kidding, right?

Nope.

Do you remember what you said to me in the...

Lesbian Temple of Tea how you're not sure about anything in your life sexually, professionally, or...

reproductively?

Jack wants a baby.

Jack wants a baby.

[Knock on door]

We're in here.

Lori: Hello?

[Whispering]

Lori?

[Door closes]

Oh!

Hey.

Hey.

That was a pretty amazing thing you did for me, Lori Matherfield.

Oh.

Somebody please tell me what's going on right now.

Lo called together the Alumni Board and Dean Weinstock and fixed everything on the Theater Project.

Oh, so you're a partner again?

Mm, maybe.

Hug her.

Huh?

What's that?

Hug...

Hug Lo.

She deserves it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here, I'll take her.

Hi.

How do you want to do this?

Uh...

Okay.

Okay.

Yes.

It's okay.

I want you two to become friends.

It's nice.

Okay, spill it, Trakarsky.

What the f*ck is this about?

Are you...

dying?

Oh, I love that one necklace of yours.

The...

the antique-y one with the rubies.

What?

It's a joke.

I can make jokes now, right?

I'm Lo.

♪ ♪ Hey, baby daddy.

Hey.

[Sighs]

[Chuckles]

You know, the last time we sat on the bench together, I left and consumed a dangerous volume of vodka, jalapeño kettle chips, and pistachio ice cream...

'cause I had fallen for a married couple and I could never, ever see them again.

I went home and had s*x with my wife, who...

told me you gave her a footjob under the table...

... and made out with her...

and that...

you weren't her first girl...

or her second.

It turns out you weren't her third, either.

[Chuckles]

Rough.

That's when everything changed.

[Chuckles]

Look, I want this...

... bad.

I need you guys to want it, too.

'Cause if you don't, there's no reason...

Jack.

I do.

[Chuckles lightly]

♪ ♪ [Cellphone chimes]

[Cellphone chimes]

[Rose Windows' "There Is A Light" plays]

♪ There is a light ♪ ♪ Down through the sky ♪ ♪ See the dream as it goes by ♪ ♪ Past our eyes ♪ ♪ There is a cold ♪ ♪ Wind that will blow ♪ ♪ Through all the memories ♪ ♪ That we know ♪ ♪ Like a whisper ♪ ♪ The hounds will be chasing soon ♪ ♪ The feeling will not get through ♪ ♪ The old just dying with the new ♪ ♪ There is a light ♪ ♪ Down through the sky ♪ ♪ See the dream as it goes by ♪