01x04 - Crazy Mom

[bunniefuu]

Rainbow: Sí. Sí, sí, sí. Gracias.

Dre: To put it mildly, credit hasn't always been the easiest thing for a black man to get, whether it's a credit-card application, the birth of rock 'n' roll, or civilization itself. But as hard as it's been to get credit for those things, it's even harder to get credit from your wife.

Babe?

Yeah.

Look... I loaded the dishwasher.

Uh-huh.

Babe, are you not seeing what I'm seeing?

Everything is exactly where it's supposed to be.

You k*lled it, Dre.

They didn't believe in you, but you did it.

Silence the haters.

Cheese!

[Shutter clicks]

Look at my babies.

Yeah, Dre, you k*lled it.

Look, I'm just trying to do my part.

You know, being a modern husband, I can bring home the bacon and wash out the pan.

Are you trying to get credit for simply loading the dishwasher?

Mm-hmm. Sure sounds like it.

I should've stopped right there.

It was like watching myself in a horror movie at the Magic Johnson theater.

Don't go in there, fool! There's an argument in there!

I've seen this one before, man. He goes in there.

This guy is stupid. Watch.

I'm not trying to get credit.

I'm just not not trying to get credit.

[Audience screams]

Told you he was stupid.

No argument here.

Licorice?

Oh, thanks.

[Screaming continues]

Damn.

So, let me get this straight.

I've cooked dinner, corrected homework.

I'm making the lunches for tomorrow, I talked a first-year resident through a really tough intubation, in español, and you are trying to get credit for...

Oh, look at this.

Unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, unh!

Handles out.

Oh, boy. Okay.

All right?

I'm just trying to do my part around here, baby.

W-with all this new responsibility at work, I'm not gonna always be able to step up like this.

"Step up"?

Mm! Mm!

[Newspaper rustles]

Pops! Yo!

Your paper is k*lling me, man.

Well, how else will you know that I was here to witness you unravel the fabric of your marriage, son?

Okay, look, I'm just saying, now that I'm SVP, I'm gonna probably have to dial it back some...

You know, do a little less.

Oh, okay.

[Laughing] I'm sorry.

Did I say something funny?

Um, well, you said "less."

But, baby, that's physically impossible.

What? I help out!

[Snoring]

Listen, we both have huge jobs, but when I come home from mine from, you know, saving lives and whatnot, I start a whole other second huge job.

When you come home, you play video games.

Babe, that is ridiculous!

[Music plays, dinging]

That's the sound it makes when I get a work e-mail.

Male voice: You have lost this round.

Playing time... 4 hours, 13 minutes.

New record!

Okay. Maybe I have a little problem.

Just a little bit.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, babe.

Mom.

Yeah.

I forgot to tell you last week, but Jack and I need two dozen cupcakes for school tomorrow.

Yeah, that's 23 cupcakes.

Rainbow: Tomorrow?

Oh, great. That sounds fun for me.

And... be careful with the frosting.

Last time you made some, it looked like you did them last-minute.

Yeah, you kind of phoned it in, mom.

[Sighs] Did you even hear what she said?

Yes. She said, "hey, Dad."

Um, and then she said something to you.

Mm. That's what I'm talking about.

I mean, there's like a thousand invisible things that I do around here that aren't even on your radar.

Okay, babe, I hear you. Let me tell you what.

Let me handle all the kids' stuff this week, I-including whatever it is that Diane just said.

Really?

Yes, really.

That would be great. I could really use a break.

I know. You know, you look tired.

I look tired, Dre?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, look what's here in the paper.

Your obituary.

[School bell rings]

Ms. Davis: Mr. Johnson!

To what do we owe the surprise?

Oh, well, I-I wouldn't say it was a surprise.

You know, I've been here... many times.

Nuh-unh. Daddy, you've never been here, ever.

Uhp... shut up, boy.

Put your bag away.

You know, he has a problem with his short-term memory.

How's he doing? Is everything okay?

You're Jack and Diane's Dad?

Yes. I'm just dropping off cupcakes.

You're amazing!

[Chuckles]

My husband never drops off cupcakes.

Mine either. Except in his mouth.

Fatty.

Oh. [Chuckles] All right, nice seeing you, ladies.

Uh, I must be going.

Oh, no, no, no! Stay, stay!

Dads never make cupcakes.

Well, I didn't make these.

You know, these are store-bought.

[Gasps] Oh!

Boy: I love store-bought!

Which is... much more expensive than homemade cupcakes.

[Chuckles] Great!

Maybe I can stay for a minute.

Who wants some cupcakes?

[Kids cheering]

Dre: Oh!

If I had known that bringing in some cupcakes would get me treated like a rock star, I would've tried this hands-on-parenting thing a long time ago.

♪ When you wish upon a star ♪
♪ your dreams will take you very far, yeah ♪
♪ you're a shining star ♪
♪ no matter who you are ♪
♪ shining star for you to see ♪
♪ what your life can truly be ♪
♪ shining star for you to see ♪
♪ what your life can truly be ♪

While I was k*lling it at school, I also knew I was nailing it at home.

Aww!

[Chuckles]

[Gasps]

Oh, my God. My fridge is chaos.

Apples with applesauce? Chips in the fridge?

Oh, my God!

Hi. Cindee.

I-I need you to move my heart/lung consult.

I have a real emergency.

[Gasps]

Lettuce on the top shelf.

My poor fridge.

Who did this to you?

Oh!

So, when people see mustaches now, they think hipster, not h*tler.

And that, people, is the power of creative rebranding.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late for a meeting that I'm running.

Had a thing with my kids. Nice move, bro.

Hands-on Dad... way to go, Dre.

Family first here at Stevens & Lido.

Always. Starts and ends with the old fam-o!

Give me a minute to get things together.

Sorry I'm late. My kid was sick.

It took me forever to get out of the house.

Ah. No problem.

A little heads-up next time would be great, Candace.

Wow. [Sighs]

Candace, you're better than this.

It turned out to be a good day to be a Dad who cared.

Everywhere I went, people were bringing the love.

I've been receiving e-mails about my cupcakes all day.

"Thanks for stepping up today."

You're welcome.

"You made everybody's day."

I try.

Hey, "best cupcakes ever."

They were tasty.

That's a lot of e-mails for a tray of cupcakes.

Mommy, mommy, look!

Hey, sweetie.

The whole class made Dad "thank you" cards!

They're calling him "Cupcake Man."

What?!

No!

"Number-one Dad. We love you, Mr. J."

And you're wearing a cape in this one.

I am Cupcake Man.

Right.

Yeah, saving the world through cupcakes that I bought at a liquor store.

Ha ha! [Claps hands]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Liquor-store cupcakes, and you're a hero?

Yes.

I made those ungrateful runts quiche with green eggs and ham for Dr. Seuss day, and I got nothing... nothing!

I could see she was upset, and all I had to do to make her feel better was to tell her how much I appreciate her.

Well, babe...

Everyone can't be Cupcake Man.

♪ When I say "cup," you say "cake" ♪

Cup! Cup!

Both: Cake! Cake!

♪ When I say "cup," you say "cake" ♪

Cup! Cup!

Cake! Cake!

Do the birdie! Come on!

Un-freakin'-believable.

Do the birdie down the hall!

Do the birdie!

Do the sheneneh!

Mm! Walk with it! Roll with it!

Dummy did it again, man!

Mm. This time, he's gonna die.

I thought for day 2 of stepping up, I'd build on my success as Cupcake Man and introduce my new alter ego, Pancake Guy.

Who wants some extra-chocolate-chip pancakes?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, syrup for breakfast.

What's next... uh, diabetes for dinner?

Unh-unh!

Those... are mine.

Dre: Hey, guys, I'm glad you like my pancakes, but I hear your mother coming down the stairs, so please, let's try not to make too big a deal out of what's clearly a big deal.

Good morning!

Pops: Good morning.

Dre: Hey, babe.

Hi. Wow.

Dad made chocolate-chip pancakes.

Out of diabetes.

Wow! That's a treat.

They look delicious.

Mm... they're okay.

Hm. You guys, go get your book bags.

Yeah, go get your book bags.

Hey, babe?

Yes?

I just want to say I'm sorry about last night.

Oh.

I did get caught up in all of the attention.

I was just mainly frustrated 'cause I feel like moms do everything and no one ever notices and then Dads do one little thing and people go crazy.

Mm.

But you know what I realized last night?

That you can't drink a half a bottle of wine in the tub and get out without help?

[Both laugh]

And that I have a very helpful husband.

And now I have a lot more time to enjoy myself.

Mm. Mm.

Mwah.

Maybe a little bit of you later.

Mmm. Oh!

I was enjoying my breakfast over here.

By the way, these health forms need to go in today, and if you want, I can fill it out 'cause I've got it down to a science.

Babe.

What? I got it.

Well, I could... hey!

I got it.

[Singsong voice] Okay, great.

Now go enjoy yourself.

Okay.

Mm.

You are not a very smart man, son.

What?

This whole "freaky Friday" role-reversal thing you got going on.

Dads and moms have different roles for a very good reason.

When I was married to your mother, for example, I was the provider.

Mm-hmm.

She, the unquenchable bonfire that consumed my time, money, and youth.

Pops, Bow and I are different. We help each other.

Oh. You heard what she said, now?

[Singsong voice] Okay, great!

In that cartoon-princess voice.

When a woman says that, she's not happy.

She doesn't like this new setup you got arranged, and you're not gonna like it, either.

How are you gonna tell me how I feel, man?

Pops, I'm fine.

Okay, Captain Cupcake or Mr. Pancake...

Whatever you call yourself.

It's "Pancake Guy."

Or... "Pancake Dude."

I ain't figured out which one it is yet, but it's gonna be...

Well, make up your mind!

Who cares what pops said?

I was looking forward to what kind of props I was gonna get today.

Boom! Filled out those health forms for you.

Oh, great. Thank you.

And?

And what?

Uh, well, you know, there were a lot of little boxes there that required some very fine printing.

Okay.

You're welcome.

You know, just trying to go that extra mile.

By doing what's mandatory?

Uh... w... hey, that's me!

Hey, come here.

Hey, Ms. Davis!

Hey, kids!

Hey, uh...

Oh, hey, everybody!

It's Cupcake Man.

[All gasp] Hey, Jack's Dad!

What did you bring today?

Health forms!

[Kids groan]

Ms. Davis: Okay, everybody circle up!

Today, we're starting our unit on Harriet Tubman.

Oh, oh, oh, hey, hey, hey.

Speaking of going the extra mile, if you need a little extra help with H-Tubs here, I'm your guy.

W-why do you think I need extra help?

Well, because I'm...

And you're...

A doctoral candidate in American history with a concentration in the civil w*r?

Who happens to be...

First in her class?

Uh, who is also...

Published?

Very white. I'm sorry.

Oh. I'm not. Being white is awesome.

I study American history, so I should know.

[Chuckles]

I'm kidding. We're the worst.

Oh.

Okay!

sl*very!

That cupcake glory didn't last long, did it?

I remember my first high.

I made homemade cotton candy for spring carnival.

I thought the praise would never end.

I quit my day job.

I'm sorry. You are...?

Stacy Kang-Nussbaum.

Yeah, okay.

Let me tell you what's gonna happen here.

The more you do, the more you get taken for granted, so don't bother to buckle up.

It's a slow ride to nowhere.

Thank you, but I'm good.

Oh, you think so?!

So, it's a fairly routine procedure, uh, but with your medical history, there is a significant risk for...

[Cellphone ringing]

I'm sorry.

Just give me one second, if you would.

Oh, it's my daughter. [Laughs]

Hey, baby.

Zoey: Hey, mom.

Hey!

I forgot my gym bag.

Oh! Never mind... force of habit.

I'll call Dad.

[Cellphone beeps]

I'd be happy to... [sighs]

[Cellphone beeps]

Okay, where were we?

Uh, let's see here...

Blah, blah, "significant risk."

You'll be fine.

Just, I'm gonna... thanks.

You can go.

So, while I was plotting my next move as an involved Dad, Bow had free time to enjoy herself, which is not always easy for Bow.

[Both laugh]

Hey, babies.

Need any help with your spelling words?

Nope. Dad already quizzed us.

We don't need you.

Oh.

[Knock on door]

Knock-knock.

Hey!

Want to go hit a bunch of balls?

What does that mean?

I don't know.

It just seems like something I've heard people say, so...

Is that...

No.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey.

I was just wondering if, you know, you want to...

Just talk about anything... special...

You know, just girl-to-girl.

Gross.

Okay.

For me, day 2 of stepping up had not gone as planned.

I needed to really bring it tomorrow if I was gonna stay in the game.

Need a win here, Dre. Back's against the wall, bruh.

Hey!

So, the kids are busy, and I'm not doing anything, so I was wondering...

Are you hand-grinding cornmeal?

Yeah, babe. This corn bread's got to be spectacular.

It's for the Harriet Tubman presentation tomorrow, and I will not be ignored.

Well, it looks great.

You know what else looks great?

Like that? Yeah.

I like that. I like it. Babe...

Hey, babe, you know, that teacher was mean to me.

I filled the hell out of those forms, and she's like, "good. Get out."

Like I didn't even exist.

Mm.

Well, if you're not in the mood, you can just... [clicks tongue]

[Clicks tongue]

Babe... huh?

I'm baking.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey!

Guess who made authentic, hand-ground corn bread.

O...Kay. Just put it over there, Dre.

Mr. Kinnebrew made kettle corn for everyone.

You rock, Glen!

I'm just doing my part for the Harriet Tubman experience.

[Chuckles]

Here you go. Go get 'em!

[Chuckles]

Who's the showboat?

Some jackass Dad.

No one's even noticed my cardboard replica of Harriet Tubman's one-room cabin.

If you look in the window, there's a tiny marzipan map of Canada on the wall.

Woman, what the hell are you talking about?

It's aspirational.

I wanted to be gracious and rise above it, but as the next minute and 37 seconds will show, that's not exactly how it went down.

Okay, class, it is time to start our special show.

[Applause]

Good afternoon, chil'ren. My name is Harriet Tubman.

I was born in 1820 in a one-room cabin...

Look at that.

Look at him sitting over there like he's a prince.

Popcorn on the underground rail road?

Please.

Harriet was a smart woman.

She wouldn't blow the whole deal with some loud-ass snacks.

Okay, Mr. Johnson. What?!

You need to be quiet.

You're ruining the Harriet Tubman experience.

Oh, I'm ruining it?

Yeah.

[Scoffs] I'm here to save it.

You're the one that's ruining it by allowing off-topic snacks and spreading misinformation.

For five whole days.

Harriet Tubman was not a spy.

Yes, she was!

No, she wasn't!

Excuse me!

Who's talkin'?

I am!

Harriet, could you help a brother out over here and solve something for us?

You were never a spy, right?

Why, yes. I was.

What does she know?

She ain't even the real Harriet Tubman.

[All gasp] Oh!

The accusations!

Accu... what?!

All this rigamarole is aggravatin' the headaches what the hell is "rigamarole"?

And dizzy spells I've had ever since a sl*ve owner hit me in the head with an iron weight in 1835.

Oh! [Groans]

You're hurting Harriet Tubman!

Boy, that is not the real Harriet Tubman!

She said she was born in 1820!

What's today date?! Do the math!

[All gasp] What are y'all looking at?

Oh. He's crazy.

Shut up, Glen!

You should leave!

What?! I should leave?

Who gave you cupcakes, huh?

Who gave you cupcakes?!

With a carefully worded, furious e-mail, I calmly let the authorities at school know the injustice I had suffered.

In many ways, I was just like Harriet Tubman...

The real one, not the fake-ass spy one.

Dre!

Kitchen, babe.

What in the world did you do at school today?

I stood up for parents everywhere.

We need to be respected and valued.

That teacher didn't even thank me for what I did.

For attacking Harriet Tubman?

What was I supposed to do?

Oh, my...

Teaching our kids nonsense like Harriet Tubman was a spy in the civil w*r.

She was a spy.

Her code name was "Moses."

And how do you know this?

Because it was in the packet that Ms. Davis sent home.

Yeah, a packet that she probably wrote!

Oh, my God.

You have become the crazy mom.

You realize that, right?

It's no longer Stacy Kang-Nussbaum.

It's you. You're crazy mom.

You know, if anyone's crazy, it's you.

What?

Zoey told me what you did.

You sat on her bed. Who does that?

Okay, let's not change the subject, okay?

No, we are talking about you. You are a praise junkie.

Uh...

And you are a control freak.

What?!

Yes! Excuse me.

Don't think I didn't notice you re-put away all the silverware.

You told me that you wanted me to do it, but you don't want me to do it.

No, no, I want you to do it.

I just want you to do it how I do it.

That's crazy!

[Drawer slams] Okay, look...

No, it's not crazy. Look, okay.

'Cause this is the way it's supposed to be, okay?

It's supposed to be big fork, little fork, big spoon, little spoon.

You put it in here big fork, big spoon, little fork, little spoon... like a maniac.

And now it's chaos all up in the drawer.

I'm being abused for working hard, just like Harriet Tubman.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Who... Who would put a spatula with a can opener?

Huh? Huh?

That's a lunatic! You're a lunat because...

[Drawer opens]

Mommies Ed to with their babies, Dre!

What is going on out here, son?

I can hear you all the way out to the guest house, where I am trying to entertain a lady friend.

Bow is being unreasonable, man.

Bow is being a mom.

The problem is, you're trying to be a mom, too, and you're being all crazy with it, yelling at teachers for teaching, forks and spoons all Willy-Nilly.

I-I know. Can't hand it!

[Chuckl see, there? "Freaky Friday."

And you didn't even get that far into the week.

Nothing sadder than a freaky Thursday, son... nothing.

Okay, pops, I get it. I messed up, all right?

[Sighs]

You know what? I-I'm just gonna go talk to Bow.

Do that. Lose what little dignity you have left.

So you don't think I should say anything?

I think sometimes talking is overrated.

The way I see it, crazy got you in.

Crazy can get you out.

Later.

Pops doesn't always make a lot of sense, but in this case, he was right.

I needed to make a big move.

Mom, will you make us breakfast?

I can't take any more of Dad's pancakes.

Too much sugar.

Miss your steel-cut oatmeal.

Well, Dad was actually...

It's... so good.

We hate flavor.

Okay, babies. I'll make you breakfast.

[Refrigerator door opens]

Hey... mom? Mm-hmm?

I'm... really looking forward to spending some more time with you... together.

Oh. Wha...

That's so nice...

And a little strange.

Go!

Hey, mom.

You want to... sit on my bed later?

Wha... sure.

Awesome.

Okay.

[Yawns]

Good morning, everybody!

Dad, do you mind if mom takes us to school this morning?

Son, that's what this whole week was about...

Giving your mother a break.

Please? It's so slow and safe.

We love listening to your books on tape.

What? It's...

Rainbow: Really, babe? What?

You could've at least had them rehearse a little more.

That was like some really bad theater.

[Chuckles] I know.

So, you want things to go back the way they were?

Maybe a little.

[Laughs]

It's not as easy as you thought, is it?

No, it's not, babe. You know what?

No.

To hell with being the unsung hero. I want to be sung.

[Laughs]

Well, as much as I hate to admit it, I actually miss doing the little things.

And it kind of burns off my working-mom guilt.

Just sayin'.

Babe, babe.

Hmm?

I appreciate everything that you do.

I appreciate everything you don't do.

[Laughs]

Oh, hey, when you get home from work later, I know you might be tired, but I was thinking maybe you could... [clicks tongue]

Oh. You gonna sneak me in the underground rail road?

Mm-hmm.

You be Harriet Tubman. I'll be Frederick douglass.

Done!

All right. Ha ha!

Done! Done!

Let me get the wig.

Oh! [Laughs]

This is nice.

I'll wash the glasses.

Offering to do the dishes?

You're trying to seduce me, Mr. Johnson.

I am.

[Laughing] Oh. Mmm.

Dre: You know, this has a very happy ending if he doesn't blow it.

Oh, no, he's gonna blow it.

Yeah. Probably.