01x14 - Andre from Marseille

[bunniefuu]

♪ It might seem crazy what I'm 'bout to say ♪

Dre: I love all my children equally, but Zoey and I are particularly close.

After all, she's beautiful, popular, stylish...

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Singsong voice] filtersareforsuckers.

Basically the most like me.

So I really look forward to driving her to school.

It's our special time... just me and my little girl connecting.

So, how's school?

[Clicking] ♪ clap along if you feel like a room without a roof ♪

Well, glad to hear it's going well.

Anything exciting happening?

[Chuckles]

What? What? What? Something happen?

♪ Clap along if you feel happiness is the truth ♪
♪ Because I'm happy ♪

[tires screech]

Oops!

You dropped your phone.

Come on, Zoey. Talk to me.

Well, Mischa Dixon was on her Tumblr, which is so ancient, but she found this super-cute gif of Jaden and Justin...

Timberlake not Bieber.

Mm-hmm.

Bieber is the worst.

Well, anyway, we sent it to Monica 'cause she's obsessed with Jaden.

Oh, speaking of Dreamy, Andre was so not checking me out so hard.

Complete stalker.

Hey, whoa! Whoa. Back it up.

Andre? Dreamy?

What's that all about?

God, dad.

Did you not hear me say that Mischa Dixon still uses Tumblr? Uh...

But anyway, yes. Andre's cool.

We've been hanging out.

Andre... solid name, good name, my name.

[Laughs] So, tell me about this Andre.

Well, he plays on the basketball team.

Oh, my name and a baller. Hmm. Two for two.

Oh, and he's from Marseille.

Marseille? Is that near Compton?

No, dad. Marseille is in France.

[Gasps] French?! [Laughs]

Oh, he's one of those Tony Parker Brothers.

Well, he is a point guard.

Oh!

Andre: [French accent] Hey, Zoey!

[Gasps] Oh, that's him!

♪ Clap along if you know ♪

[Laughs]

♪ What happiness is to you ♪
♪ Come on ♪

That's him?! For her first boyfriend, she's feeling some three-point sh**ting, pick-setting point guard who hustles!

Why can't you just say he's white?

I just did!

Black-ish - 01x14
"Andre from Marseille"

Lindsey: So, that's when we show the graphic of action body spray.

"The power of a shower in a can."

Get ready, Pittsburgh, to go to work directly from the gym.

So, what do you think? Dre?

Huh? Hey. Yeah. It's fine.

You okay? You look a little clammy.

[Sighs]

My daughter's dating a white boy.

Sweet!

What?

Did you just say "sweet," like it's some kind of victory?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm just saying that it's cool.

You know, like, uh, "Ebony and Ivory."

What's wrong with Ebony and Ebony?

That would be a pretty hard piano to play.

You know, I don't have a problem with white people.

Some of my best friends are white.

Come on. Okay.

Yeah, not you.

You know, it's just that for her first boyfriend, I was hoping that she would find somebody more like me.

Dre, it's 2015.

Your kids are gonna date who they're gonna date.

Race don't matter. 'Cause in 10 years, we all gonna look Puerto Rican.

You got a point.

You know, I-I don't even know why I'm tripping.

He ain't even a real white boy. You know, he's from France.

France?!

France?!

Oh, you buried the lead on that.

Forget about that whole white thing.

You need to worry about that French thing.

What?

Dude, the French are renowned erotic pioneers.

This is true. They ain't no joke.

Look, t-they invented the, uh... the French kiss, uh, the ménage à trois, uh, that toast.

French toast?

Just what you gonna need after knocking it out.

I cheated on my husband with a French Canadian. What?

His French-ness was so powerful that I forgot he was Canadian.

Okay.

Bottom line, Dre... if a French kid is dating your daughter, sex is knocking at your door.

So, the French thing has overtaken the white thing on your list of stupid reasons to freak out.

Hey, look... not stupid, rational, all right? Mm-hmm. [Scoffs]

The entire French culture revolves around sex.

Look at this.

What?

Josh sent me this picture right here.

Ooh.

This is what they wear to the beach.

French swimming panties.

[Laughs] [Cellphone thuds]

I don't know why you listen to those guys at work anyway.

They're the ones that convinced you to get that PT cruiser.

Hey, I pulled that off.

[Hip-hop music plays]

Maybe they were wrong about that.

Hey, but you know what?

Huh?

They're definitely not wrong about this French thing.

Hey, I don't want to take any chances with our beautiful daughter.

Dre, Zoey is a really smart girl, and she's gonna date.

So we're gonna have to trust her at some point, or she's never gonna trust herself.

I don't want her to trust herself.

I want her to stay in her room, ideally forever.

Why are you driving yourself crazy?

Why don't we just invite the kid over here and meet him?

Fine. Invite him over.

But I'm gonna tell you this.

Hmm?

I will not like him.

Good. You're keeping an open mind.

Oh.

Whoa. [Chuckles]

What?

Somebody's got a gray hair.

Oh, my God. Where? [Chuckles]

Ohh.

Not there, buddy.

What?

[Laughing]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Dre, when did that happen?!

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God.

Baby, baby, baby.

Ohh.

Baby. Baby.

There's no need to be embarrassed, okay?

Because you are a very attractive older woman.

Stop it! That's not funny!

[Laughs]

I disagree strongly.

Did I make fun of you when you gained 40 pounds?

It was 30, and yes. You called me "flubber."

I did, didn't I?

Anyway, babe...

Hmm?

I think you look distinguished, going all Frederick Douglass down there.

Okay, get out now, flubber!

You got a whole lot to abolish below that Mason-Dixon line.

[Laughs]

So, I was about to meet the first boyfriend, but I wasn't scared.

I was confident I could stare this kid down.

[Knock on door] [Inhales sharply] Whoo.

Sex is here. Okay.

[Breathes deeply]

Hey, bonsoir! You must be Monsieur Johnson.

I am Andre Du Maurier.

Ah, Andre "doo mar-yay yay." [Door closes]

Nice to meet you.

Mon dieu. So strong.

Uh, yeah. That's my judo hand.

Okay, so you met him. Got to go.

Mm-hmm.

Wait, no, no, no. Hey, baby girl, hold on.

He just got here.

We're getting to know one another.

So, uh, Andre, what's crackin'?

Uh, uh, "cracking"?

Uh, I don't... I don't understand.

It means, "what's up?" Who doesn't know that?

Yeah, who doesn't know that?

Dre: Mm-hmm.

Zoey: Okay.

So let's go meet my mom. She's normal.

But...

I don't like him.

Yeah, we don't like him.

Oh. I'm into this. Keep the pressure up.

Let's roll.

So, madam...

Mm.

Uh, Zoey tells me that you are a doctor.

Oh, I am.

Impossible.

Hmm?

Someone so young and beautiful cannot also be brilliant and accomplished.

[Laughing] I mean... you.

You know, I also do hot yoga.

[Scoffs] Well, my father is also a doctor.

Really? He works for, um - excuse my English, uh...

Oh, no, please.

Médecins Sans Frontières.

Oh. Yes.

Doctors without borders.

Thank you, Rosetta Stone.

While his dad was in Guatemala fixing cleft palates, Andre Dug Wells.

Andre: Oui, we were trying to find the clean water for the orphans.

"Zorphans"? [Laughs]

What are zorphans? [Laughter]

You know, the children whose parents have d*ed from the AIDS.

[Insects chirping]

Oh.

I-I did not mean to darken the mood.

Uh, perhaps I can lighten it with candy.

Rainbow: Oh. [Laughs] [Chuckles]

Et voilá!

[Gasps]

Sourball! [Laughs]

Look at that! Dad, I love sourballs.

Focus, son.

It's a common parlor trick.

Diane does not have sourballs behind her ears.

But she does! [Laughs]

Oh!

Look at that.

Oh.

What?

You also!

No!

With that, the frenchman launched an all-out-charm offensive.

♪ I don't see ♪
♪ Nothing wrong ♪
♪ I don't see nothing wrong ♪
♪ With a little bump and grind ♪
♪ With a little bump and grind ♪

He had all the Johnson women eating out of his hand, and I was terrified. It was a strong move. If I had any chance of countering, it was gonna take some more intel.

Let's start with his Facebook so we can get an idea of his most recent activities.

Okay.

Wow. You hacked in there pretty fast, man.

That's some next-level stuff, son.

Can't anybody just get onto Facebo...?

No, I did something special, and dad loves me for it.

All right. Let's see here. Okay.

Whoa.

Look at these pictures Zoey tagged this guy in.

They are entirely too close.

Man, that's less than a phone book's difference between them.

Holding hands?!

Unh-unh. No, no, no. That's almost first base.

I do not like that.

Oh, my God! Are they kissing?!

Wow. He really is French.

This ends right now.

[Knock on door]

Zoey, we need to talk. All right?

This guy is not good enough for you.

Dad!

Sweetheart, you're young.

You'll have plenty of time to...

Dad, it's over between me and Andre.

Oh... no!

Mnh!

Really?

Look, babe, I know it's hard right now, but breaking up with him is the right thing to do.

No, dad. He broke up with me.

What?

How dare he?!

Oh, I can't believe this.

I can't believe he broke up with her.

Oh, hey, Diane. At's wrong?

We got a Zoey problem.

What?

Sweetheart, are you concerned about your sister?

Yes, I'm concerned! She ate all the ice cream.

Everybody knows that chunky monkey is mine.

I ask for so little!

Good night.

[Sighs] Go to bed, sweetie.

[Door closes]

See that?

Mm-hmm.

Now both of our daughters are upset because of this monster.

Okay, listen.

Dre, did you ever think that maybe Zoey just wasn't right for him?

You mean not whte for him.

Oh, my God! Dre!

What?

There is zero evidence that race had anything to do with this!

Our daughter is perfect, so there is no other reason. Ohh.

I hate bigotry. And that kid is a bigot.

All right? He's a filthy, French, cheese-munching bigot.

Dre, they broke up. Isn't that what you wanted?

What I wanted was some ice cream, but we don't have any more, so now I have to go downstairs and eat a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips because food takes my pain away!

Um... Pam.

Yeah?

I kind of got a situation.

The other day, I noticed that a single, white female moved in [Clicks tongue] downstairs.

And then this morning, I noticed that she got a roommate.

Yeah, well, you got to get used to it.

Oh.

Once a couple move in, others are not far behind.

So how long before downtown gets totally gentrified?

It happens fast.

Oh.

When you get to be my age, it's like a Dave Matthews concert down there.

I wanted to prove that the only reason Andre from Marseille had broken up with Zoey was because she was black, so I sent my two moles in to do a little more recon.

[Sighs] I learned a lot about Andre from Marseille today.

I learned a lot, too, like how he did this.

Voilà! Sourball!

Yeah, Jack, you're cute, but you age out of that.

I was cute once.

Not like me. I've seen the pictures.

[Horn honks]

[Car door opens]

Hey.

Hey.

So what's the 411 on Cordon Bleu?

Here's what I got.

[Car door closes] He should be out of jazz band in three, two...

Amazing. How did you know that?

He posted it on Instagram, and I was about to...

Damn, son! Are you Jason Bourne?!

I want to live in this moment forever.

Sourball.

Not now, Jack.

Yeah, not now, Jack. And, dad, that's not all.

I have unconfirmed sources who say Andre has a new girlfriend named Becky.

What?

Aha! Becky.

Body's not even cold yet, and he's got him a blond Becky.

You know what? I'm gonna talk to this...

Hold on. What?!

Becky is black?

Come on, son! How could you not know this?!

Um, um, h-how could I know?

Wh-what kind of black girl's named Becky?

One whose real name is B'Keesha.

She's a high-school girl. They all love to give me hugs.

Don't underestimate cute.

I can't believe he's already dating somebody else.

Aw, sweetheart, I know this is hard.

My world is ending, and you're giving me a lecture?

No, uh...

Okay.

Thanks a lot, mom.

I-I-I was just... my bad.

Hey. Hey, babe, it's not your fault.

Okay? The French boy broke our daughter.

[Sighs] It's all a part of adolescence.

She's fine.

Mm.

And thank God you know that Andre didn't break up with her 'cause she's black.

If he's so into black girls, why isn't our black girl good enough for him?

I don't know.

I'm glad you asked.

Oh. Look who it is. James "b*mb."

"b*mb" because you blew it.

Dad, it's true. I let you down.

But I feel like we're a family that believes in second chances.

Are we?

I know you told me to drop the case, but I just couldn't, so I found out why Andre broke up with Zoey.

And let me tell you, it wasn't easy.

I broke up with your sister because she is shallow.

He said she's shallow?

His exact words were...

Oui. Like the kiddie pool.

Good job, Junior. You're back.

Boo-yah! You will not regret this!

Yes! Bang, bang! Whoo!

[Clicks tongue] Yeah!

I'm already regretting it. [Scoffs]

Shallow.

Our baby is not shallow.

Oh, I know this.

Now he's taking sh*ts at her character?

Look, this boy's a jerk. Uh, a French jerk.

Mm-hmm.

Or as the French would say, un crétin.

Yeah, I've been brushing up on my French.

I was hoping they'd stay together.

Why are we here?

'Cause I have to take care of something.

And if I left you home alone, mommy would go to prison.

Hey, Bow. Hey, Connie.

What you in for? A touch-up?

Legs and brows?

Maybe a little more.

Oh. Whose birthday is it?

Is it someone's birthday? Are we having cake?

No, we're not having cake.

But, sweetheart, why don't you take my phone?

Go sit over there, okay?

So, if you want to take it down to the deck, our two best options are hot wax or laser.

Ooh. Hot wax or laser? Does that hurt?

It's hot wax and lasers, so, yeah, sweetie, it hurts.

Well, if they hurt, why would you do that?

Well, it's a... it's a beauty treatment.

It's something that women do to help them look better.

Should I do hot wax and lasers, too?

No. You should not.

Oh.

You know what?

Sweetheart, we should be who we are.

Yeah.

You're already the most beautiful person in the world, mommy.

Aww. Thank you, sweetie.

Except your toes.

What?

Those are jacked up.

Hey, baby girl. How you doing?

Terrible.

How was school?

You mean that place Andre goes where I met him and then I lost him?

Thanks for bringing that up, dad.

[Beep] Okay. My bad.

[Lid closes]

What's wrong, Dre?

Nothing.

Nah, player. Nah. Talk to me.

I can tell something's wrong.

You got the droopy eyelids, and your elbow's all ashy.

Come on. Talk to me.

Okay, look, man.

The French kid dumped my daughter.

He thinks she's shallow. Can you believe he said that?

Well, she is your daughter.

[Laughs] Unless she's not.

I mean, you swabbed her, right?

Of course I swabbed her.

Man, you've seen her. She don't even look like me.

Hey, wait. Are you calling me shallow?

I mean, not in a bad way.

I mean, we are men. We supposed to be shallow.

Oh, my God. You're right.

How's she taking the whole thing?

She doesn't even know it, man.

The coward broke up with her and didn't even tell her why.

Well, that's why she's so sad. She don't know what happened.

You got to tell her why.

Man, I can't tell her that.

Look, you've got to keep it real with your kids.

Just find a way to say it.

Look. I'm gonna help you. Pretend I'm your daughter.

I'm not pretending you're my daughter, Charlie.

Come on, man. I'm your daughter.

No.

I don't want you being mad at me because I ain't role-play when you needing me to role-play.

Now, come on, now.

No.

Come on! Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Come on, come on.

Okay, fine.

Okay. [Clears throat]

[Sighs]

Zoey, sweetie, I...

I'm pregnant, and I hate you!

I knew this was a bad idea.

I'm moving to North Carolina to be with him, and there ain't nothing you can do about it!

He's not even from North Carolina!

I need $800!

Okay. We're done.

No, I'm... [Chuckles] I'm just playing. It's is your boy Charlie talking right now.

All right. I really need $800.

Uh, y-you ever lose your walk-around money at a cock fight?

Teach me the thing.

You know, the sourball trick.

Only if you say it.

Dude, just show me.

Dude, just say it.

Fine. You're cute.

No, that's not it.

[Sighs]

[Mumbling] You're cuter than...

I can't hear you.

You're cuter than me!

Thank you. That so hard?

Where are you going?

I'm also smarter than you.

The sourball trick dies with me.

I was out of ideas on how to cheer Zoey up, so I tried an old standby.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

These are the ones, all right?

These are the more expensive version of the pair that you just got.

So definitely these.

[Sighs] I don't know.

Come on. Snap out of it.

I don't get it. Like, why would he break up with me?

Who knows why dumb people do dumb things? All right?

They're dumb, and they're French, and they're dumb.

I just feel like if I knew, I could actually get past it.

[Sighs]

Look, Zo-zo, I may have found out from an anonymous secret source that Andre thinks you're...

Shallow.

Shallow?

I-I know, baby. He is so wrong.

That is such a relief.

I thought it was something serious, like I was ugly.

[Giggles] You know what, dad? Those are cute. Can I get those?

Absolutely!

Thank you.

Boys are wack. [Chuckles]

Ha! Now you're talking. Hey, you know what?

Let's get some sunglasses, too.

Ooh.

And just like that, I had my baby girl back.

And a tight new pair of Ray-bans for myself.

[Camera shutter clicks]

The next couple of days with Zoey were golden, just like my grilled cheese.

Ha!

Now, I don't know why you have an Instagram account for grilled cheese or who follows it, but you let everyone know that this is mine.

Okay, I'm gonna hashtag it...

[Singsong voice] Lovingmydaddysgrilledcheese.

I mean, if that's what you want do.

[Clicking] [Knock on door]

[Gasps] That's Derrick.

What?

Derrick?

Hey. Thanks for having me.

Of course. You ready to go?

[Indistinct conversation]

[Scoffs] What kind of name is "Derrick"?

It's just "Eric" with a "d." Just be Eric.

Uh-huh.

Do you see what he's wearing?

[Chuckles]

He's dressed exactly like you.

No. His shoes are blue.

Who does that?

You do.

Every Thursday. You call it Blueshoe Thursdays.

No.

Dre, don't you see what's going on here?

He's you, and you still don't like him.

Through your eyes, there's never gonna be any boy that's good enough for Zoey.

Ha!

She's right.

I just had to own up to the fact that my little girl was growing up.

She was going to date, and I was gonna hate all of them.

But I could not hate that kid's shoes.

They were awesome.

What's he doing here?

Yeah, what's he doing here?

Hey, guys, I got this, okay?

Derrick, what are you doing here?

Nice job, Dre.

No, seriously.

Why should I let you date my daughter?

Well, I'm a gentleman.

I volunteer at a Youth Center.

Derrick's also an amazing artist.

Oh, so you're practicing to be homeless.

Uh, actually, I'd like to work in advertising.

It's kind of the last great American art form.

[R. Kelly's "Bump N' Grind" plays]

Ahh.

♪ I don't see nothing wrong ♪
♪ I don't see nothing wrong ♪
♪ With a little bump and grind ♪
♪ With a little bump and grind ha! ♪

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

♪ Nothing wrong ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Baby, I don't see ♪

Oh, man. I like your shoe game, son.

I can say the same. [Chuckles]

Hey, how about we all do laser tag?

What do you say?

And I'm out.

I'm out, too.

Way to make it weird, dad.

Junior: He never took me to play laser tag.

Uh...

Jack: He took me.