01x15 - The Dozens

[bunniefuu]

Dre: I heard that it only takes 72 hours for people on reality shows to forget the cameras are there, and I've learned that it only takes 72 seconds for kids to forget a human with ears is driving carpool.

I took 100 bucks out of my dad's wallet, and he didn't even realize it.

[Laughs]

I just shut up and take it all in.

Cool. So I'll sign my mom's name on a doctor's slip and meet you at the mall.

It's amazing what you learn.

I've been recycling the same tooth under my pillow.

I'm up $34.

Jack: I've got them fooled, too.

I haven't taken a bath in a week.

You're fooling no one.

Most stuff, I let go, but every now and then, you hear a piece of information you have to get in on.

I really don't want to go to school.

Cody is gonna b*at the brakes off me.

Yep. And just to be clear, I don't have your back.

Dude is scary.

Zoey: If you're circling the drain, I better get to know my other brother.

Dear Jack. [Buttons clicking]

I'm your big sister, Zoey Johnson.

We met at Thanksgiving.

Junior, you getting bullied?

Who's Cody?

Cody Rakowski.

"Rakowski"?

You got a white bully?

No offense.

None taken. But F.Y.I., he's from Boston.

Oh.

Boston... yeah, the original home of the scary white guy.

Yeah, Cody's a real bully.

He drop-kicked a janitor in the gut.

Poor guy had to mop up his own vomit.

Okay, son, so when Cody confronts you, you got a couple of different techniques that you can use.

First up is the throat chop, okay?

Ooh.

[Choking] See that? See that? He can't talk.

Adam's apple's like the balls of the throat.

If that fails, always go for the groin.

That's like the balls of the balls.

Ohh!

Uh-huh. Look at that.

Boom... right back up in the throat.

Totally incapacitated. Look at him.

It's okay, son. Just breathe. Breathe.

Black-ish - 01x15
The Dozens

Hi.

I've got bad news.

Kim Kardashian stopped messing with black guys?

Worse.

Zoe Saldana stopped messing with white guys?

There's this big white kid bullying my son.

White bully? [Chuckling] Easy.

Just go straight for the throat-balls.

[Chuckling] Right? Everybody know that one.

Mnh-mnh. He's from Boston.

Oh, Boston does not play.

Mnh-mnh.

Josh: Ugh, I had a bully.

I'd grab his tiny head and flush it in the toilet.

[Laughs]

Then he'd crawl around the bathroom floor looking for his glasses!

[Laughs] That's classic.

My bully was a Latvian exchange student.

I'd give him a potato-chip wedgie.

I'd just dump a whole tube of pringles down his pants.

That chip makes a nice jagged shard.

[Laughter] Whoa, whoa. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.

It sounds like you two were the bullies.

Oh, no, no, no. They bullied us by being different.

Yeah, like how the native Americans bullied my ancestors.

What the...?

Charlie: L-look, look, look, there is two ways to handle a bully, all right?

One... beatdown.

Right.

Which, seeing that he's from Boston, is not an option.

Mnh-mnh.

Two... talk about him till he cries.

Exactly.

I'm-a teach my son how to play the dozens.

[Laughs]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The dozens?

Yeah, you see, we come from a long, proud African tradition of talking trash.

Long ago, opposing African tribes didn't actually fight.

They'd just make fun of each other.

[Clicking tongue]

Yo mama.

Later, those same dudes came across the ocean on something like "the Love Boat," only no love, all Isaacs... pissed-off Isaacs.

Eventually, they arrived in America, and the less-desirable slaves were sold by the dozen.

But they found a way to turn their pain into something positive by making fun of each other.

That's what we call "playing the dozens."

Ah.

Josh: Oh.

Through the years, our ancestors found the comedy in pain.

The trash-talking tradition continued through the '60s...

Power to the people.

Yo mama.

Right up to the present.

I have no more campaigns to run.

[Applause]

I know, 'cause I won both of them.

[Cheers and applause]

Yo mama.

That's the dozens.

Josh: What? Come on.

You can't use words on a bully.

Shall we?

As the lord intended.

Hey, middle-aged Jimmy Neutron, I bet you only cost two packs of cigarettes in jail.

Hey, Powder, how's that cadaver modeling going for you?

Oh, you so white, you the light that people see before they die.

You so white, Wayne Brady's jealous.

You so white, you thought Malcolm X was a p*rn.

You so white, ghosts are scared of you.

I see pale people.

Hey, is... is that the phone in my office ringing?

I think it is. I got to go. I got to leave right now.

[Laughter]

Whoo!

Oh, Mr. Stevens, you laughing pretty hard for someone who looks like they should be sitting in a tub in a Cialis commercial.

[Laughter]

Go back to making fun of Josh, or I'll fire you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's all eat our fruit.

Yeah, I'll... I'll do that.

Mommy, where you going?

Aren't you putting us to bed?

Oh, babies, I'm on-call again tonight, but I'll kiss you while you're sleeping, okay?

Can you at least read us a story?

Uh...

Okay, but it's got to be a quick one.

Um... Oh! How about some junk mail?

What? [Laughs] Okay.

This child's been missing since 2003... nope, not that one. Okay.

Hey, mom, what's that word?

Oh.

Abduction.

Uh... I'm reading at a 10th-grade level.

Ohhh, isn't that cool?

Wow.

Okay, mommy's got to go.

I'm good at things, too.

I don't need a night-light anymore, mommy, so you can take it out of our room.

Oh, gosh, I can't believe you guys don't need a night-light anymore.

My babies are growing up right before my eyes.

I know.

It's happening so fast.

Don't forget to brush your teeth. I got to go.

Okay.

Bye!

Good night.

Bye.

So, I gave my son the whole history of bagging, roasting, the dozens, so he could deal with his bully.

He really seemed to be soaking it up, taking notes the whole time.

Hey, dad, this website says that home-schooling isn't just for weirdos.

Hey, son, I'm telling you... bagging will work.

But what if Cody just gets madder and comes after me?

Everyone knows the rules.

Look, if he lets words get to him, then he's a sucker.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, son.

I used to be a fat kid.

I'm listening. What's the secret?

[Sighs] The point is, bullies used to mess with me until I got in that ass with some word-f...

Never got in another fight.

But I don't know how to be funny.

Son, being different is the fuel for funny.

And looking at you, you got a full t*nk.

I guess the lesson started.

It's like Obi-Wan taught Luke Skywalker to... son, do you like being bullied?

Now, look, you got to study your bully.

Find his flaws and go in.

All right, now, there's several ways to do it, but my favorite is stating the obvious.

All right.

Look at this brother wearing a striped shirt.

What's wrong with my shirt?

Nothing!

But my tone convinces you that everything is.

Another version... the false compliment.

Oh, man, nice jeans. oH, yeah?

Your mama know they missing?

They don't fit her anymore.

[Sighs]

Alright, if you ever get stuck, you can go to my favorite... "you big."

"You big"?

You big crest 3D toothbrush-faced ass fool.

See, got you. Your turn. Go.

Oh.

You big...

Unh-unh. I don't believe you.

Sesame street...

Not funny.

Oh.

Looking like a...

Mm-hmm...

Like a...

Mm-hmm...

Like a... like a nice...

Say it. Say it!

Comb?

Okay, son, this home schooling, uh, is online registration, or do we need to set up an interview?

Think it's interview.

Okay.

Oh, God.

[Vacuum whirring]

Hey, sweetheart. It's 3:00 in the morning.

What are you doing? [Whirring stops]

Just doing some light housekeeping.

[Singsong voice] Can't sleep up there when there's crumbs down here.

Okay, sweetheart, it's time to go to bed.

No!

What?!

Leave the light on.

Okay, come here.

Is this about the night-light?

No way!

Mm.

If Jack doesn't need one, neither do I.

Okay, listen to me.

I am exhausted from work, and we we both need to be up in a couple of hours, so we're gonna go upstairs, and I'm just gonna turn on the night-light, and then you don't need to be scared of the dark, okay?

I'm not scared of the dark.

Why would I be scared of the dark?

I mean, it's just the number-one cause of murders.

What?

The dark.

But go ahead and turn the lights out.

You're the parent.

Diane.

Hmm?

It's just science.

The dark is the absence of Photons... that's it.

Wait. So, there's no Photons?!

Nope.

Where did the Photons go?!

What?

Did they go into me?

No... oh, God. I'm full of Photons!

Okay.

I'm full of Photons.

Okay, shh, shh, shh. Come on.

Sweetheart, do you want to sleep with me tonight?

Mm-hmm!

Okay. Come on.

Time for bed.

No!!

Okay, okay. Okay. All right.

[Whimpers] Oh, gosh.

[Snoring]

Mom?

Mommy?

Mama?

Rainbow!

Huh?

What? I'm awake. I'm awake, sweetie.

What's happening?

So... Photons, huh?

Huh? It's okay, sweetheart.

Daddy?

Hmm? Oprah, I... my wife's coming.

Hey, guys, good news. Cody got suspended.

Oh, wow, so it looks like you have an extra day to live.

Congrats.

Hey, dork!

My boy Cody couldn't make it, so I'm gonna kick your ass for him.

How many bullies do you have?

I mean, at some point, you just got to ask if you're the problem.

I'm gonna b*at you with one hand and film it with the other.

Come on, Tyler. Leave me alone.

Oh. What are you gonna do? You gonna cry about it?

[Chuckles] Come on. Give me something to film.

[Laughs]

Study the bully. State the obvious.

Cystic acne!

[Crowd murmuring]

Young man: What? What?

You look like you're allergic to your own face.

What'd you say, nerd?

Don't be rattled. Remember your training.

You look like you should have a proactiv I.V.

[Crowd oohs] Just a drip.

Like a constant drip of medication to fix this.

[Laughter]

I mean, yo, how does just your face have ebola?

[Laughter]

[Crowd cheers] Yes!

That was amazing!

As it turns out, the roasts are strong with this one.

It might have taken Junior three years and four doctors to learn how to talk, but it only took him two days to learn how to talk smack to bullies.

You look like... like Stephen Hawking spots you at the gym.

[Laughter]

[Robotic voice] One more. You got this.

Feel the pump.

[Laughter and cheering]

♪ Your mama is so fat ♪
♪ How fat is she? ♪
♪ Your mama is so big and fat that she can get busy with... ♪

You look like... like your parents are related to each other.

And not like cousins, either, like you got one set of grandparents.

[Laughter]

Whoo!

[Sniffs] Ohh!

Your breath smells like... Like sl*very... like 400 years of hard sl*very inside your mouth.

Whoo!

My son? Where?

Okay. Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can.

Hey, I've got to go.

Junior was sent to the principal's office.

Oh, no.

Did your son bully his way onto a locker-room hook?

[Sighs]

Oh, hey, Josh, uh...

Me and Charlie were messing around the other day with those pale jokes.

Yeah, man, you don't look like the inside of Conan O'Brien's thigh.

Ah, no worries.

Didn't even clock it, bro.

Yeah, okay.

All right, see you guys later.

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

So I hurried to Junior's school, where an exhausted Bow joined me to meet with an angry principal.

I had you two come in because your son's been aggressive lately.

He asked a student with a skin condition if he could get half his face with anchovies and the rest with extra cheese.

He said that?

What? Who said what?

Oh, my God. This chair's so comfortable.

And that's why he's getting detention.

Uh... detention?

I don't... who cares about detention?!

I finally got a son!

Did you hear what he said?

That was masterfully crafted.

He didn't even say "pizza face," yet you still knew what he meant.

Huh! It's in the grain of the wood.

This is a very serious matter, Mr. Johnson.

Why are you dancing?

Because he roasted.

♪ Roast-roast ro-roast-roasted them ♪

Your son was bullying someone.

What?!

Man, bagging ain't bullying.

Where were you when my son was actually being bullied?

Where were you?

What I did was teach him a creative, non-violent way to defend himself.

Plus, he roasted.

♪ Roast-roast roast-roast-roasted them ♪

Look at that. I switched sides.

Hey, hey. Junior!

Good call on the detention.

I'm sure it's well deserved.

I also really want to make sure that you understand that black people don't just randomly start dancing.

No, I mean this is... this is a very big moment for Dre.

♪ Roast-roast ro-roast-roasted them ♪

Okay, thank you.

Whoo!

Sweetheart, I fell asleep trying to put someone to sleep today.

I need to rest tonight.

I found your old Teddy and your old blanket.

You feel safe now. I need you to feel safe.

You have to feel safe.

No one's safe.

Night is coming.

Diane!

You don't need to feel afraid in your own house.

It's not like this is the hotel from "The Shining."

What's "The Shining"?

Nothing.

Mommy's tired. Forget I mentioned it.

Well, well, well, "friend."

How does knowing how to read so good help you in the dark?

Jack, stop it.

I'm just saying.

You were the first to talk, you were the first to ride a bike, you were the first to pee standing up.

Wait, what?

Well, I'm the first one not to be afraid of the dark.

How does it feel, little baby scaredy cat?

Okay, Jack, that is not appropriate.

I'll say.

Yep.

"Little baby scaredy cat"?

You hearing this, dad?

Son, that was weak sauce.

Jack, we're Johnson men.

We have a duty to be good at roasting.

What?

So instead, you should've said something like,

"nice glasses. You look like... like the world's youngest Librarian."

Jack and Junior: Ohh! Okay, okay.

Okay, no, no, no, no, you're not helping.

Uh! I am exhausted.

We need to get her to sleep, okay?

I hear you on the sleep.

You're so tired, you look like... like you drowned.

Ooh!

Twice! [Guys cheering]

You don't just have bags under your eyes, you've got... luggage.

[Guys cheering]

Samsonite!

[Laughter] Gimme three times!

Both: One, two, three.

Why are you doing this?!

Bow, this is the dozens, all right?

We come from a long, proud African tradition of...

Men who don't sleep with their wives?

All right, buddy, come here. Let me talk to you about timing.

Come here, come here.

No.

Mommy?

No. No.

Mom.

No.

Hey, Bow. Hey, babe.

No.

See?

See how cute Junior used to be before you taught him to say I look like I drowned?!

You're right, baby. He shouldn't have said that.

He shouldn't have said it.

But have you looked in the mirror?

Fix him!

Junior!

Bow was right. I may have created a monster.

I had to make sure Junior knew how to talk trash responsibly.

All right, son.

This is the most proud you've ever made me, but I'm also disappointed in you.

Son, you made the women in the house cry, but...

You carried on my legacy.

Those are some very mixed messages.

The point is you went too far.

I'm just doing what you taught me, dad.

Look, Cody comes back to school tomorrow, so I did a background check on him.

His dad moved back to Boston, and now his mom's on Tinder.

[Laughs] She's lonely.

Son, slow down, all right?

That's some deeply personal stuff.

Look, man, I taught you the dozens to defend yourself, not go on the att*ck.

And you should only use this on people who can handle it, otherwise, you become the bully.

Believe me, Cody can handle it.

And he deserves it. He's made my life miserable.

Fine.

Just remember you have a choice... you can use your gift wisely... or you can be like Darth Vader and go to the dark side.

Darth Vader didn't go to the dark side.

It was actually Anakin who went to the dark side and became Darth Vader once he was there.

Dad, where are you going?!

You should really watch the movies with me.

You're gonna be extremely lost when the new one comes out.

[Door slams]

You've come a long way, Junior.

I mean, I've actually admitted to people that we're cousins.

Wait, what?

You haven't earned "brother" yet.

Cody: Hey, geek!

[Crowd oohs]

Hey, Cody, I'm here to finish what we started.

All of a sudden you think you're the man?

'Cause you got jokes?

I don't have any jokes today, just facts.

[Crowd murmuring]

Guess who I found on Tinder?

Please. Please don't do this, okay?

Don't do what?

Send a screenshot to the whole school?

[Crowd cheering]

Well, tell us... who'd you find on Tinder?

You know who I found on Tinder?

[Crowd cheering]

I found a... a bunch of girls who aren't interested in me.

[Laughs]

And why would they be with these, uh...

These, uh, linguine arms?

Yeah! [Laughs]

What do you cook these for? Two, three minutes?

I look like I should be standing in front of a... in front of an auto dealership.

No money down on all 2014s!

Everything must go!

No credit, no problem!

Dude, that was pretty classy.

It felt good to do the right...

[gasps]

It was your mom! Your mom's on Tinder!

If you love mommy, you will go to sleep tonight without the night-light.

And if you hate mommy...

Actually, it's okay if we use the night-light.

Wait, really?

Yeah, can we also leave the lamp on and the door open?

Hold on a second. What's happening here?

Does God listen to me? Can you hear me, God?

I may have tricked him into watching "The Shining."

Aaaaah!

Your sister dared you to watch "The Shining"?

Yeah.

So you are too scared to sleep without a night-light?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Mommy is gonna sleep tonight,

[angrily] and your brother is gonna need therapy.

You are a very bad... good girl.

You and daddy give a lot of mixed messages.

You're grounded tomorrow, and I'm gonna get you a pony.

Good night, babies. Mommy's going to sleep.

[Sighs]

Hey, sorry. Sorry you got Molly-whopped.

Ah, but I'm proud of you.

I'm not proud that you got Molly-whopped, but that you showed some restraint.

I thought that you said I wouldn't get hit.

Yeah, hey, man, Boston don't play.

But it's very cool how you turned the roast on yourself.

Well, I thought about what you said about only roasting people who could handle it.

Mm-hmm.

And I knew I could.

From all the years of you dumping on me at every possible moment.

Mm, you got thick skin. Just like me.

Thank you.

I just hope I don't get your thick neck.

What, now?

Nice torso. What are you?

Like a... like a fit model for the Klondike bar?

[Laughs] That was a good one.

Standing over there looking like a Black Grimace.

Okay... You got me.

Ohhh, you like that... Spongebob Squareshirt?

Hey, man. I said you got me.

Nice smile.

When did you start parting your teeth in the middle?

You got a real mean streak.

Raven-Symoné with a fade!

Hello? Yes, this is Dr. Johnson.

No, no, no. No, I was not sleeping.

I'm at the, um... Gym on the... I'm on the treadmill.

Okay.

[Gasps]

Both: Come sleep with us.

Come sleep with us forever.

I mean, you need to hang up and call 911, for me.