01x90 - Bloopish Special

Episode transcripts for the TV show "blackish". Aired September 2014 - current.*
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A family man struggles to gain a sense of cultural identity while raising his kids in a predominantly white, upper-middle-class neighborhood.
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01x90 - Bloopish Special

Post by bunniefuu »

[ Bell rings ]

Woman: Camera "A," mark.

Man: All right, quiet, please. Let's do it.

We're rolling in here! Rolling!

[ Laughs ]

Man: Here we go.

Welcome to "Black-ish." We're rolling in here.

Yo.

[ Door thuds ]

♪ Oh, my God ♪

Hold on. I looked right into the camera.

[ Laughs ]

Damn it, Tracee! Get it together!

"Hi, I'm Anthony Anderson, and I'm wild."

Y'all hearing wrong [Bleep]

Can I say that on this show?

Yeah, it's my line.

I've lost my mind.

Notice when it says "Dre," that's when I say it.

That's when you say it.

Everybody's messing up!

This is gonna be great for the blooper reel.

[ Both laugh ]

The mythical and majestic black family out of their natural habitat and yet still thriving.

They're just -- Just amazing.

People are loving "Black-ish" because we're telling truthful stories as honestly as we can.

You got to keep it real.

Keep it real.

I think the subject matter is relevant, it's current.

All this coming from Omni-colored-complexion, whatever-it-is- they're-calling-it-today woman who technically isn't even really black?

Okay, well, if I'm not really black, then could somebody please tell my hair and my ass?

They also love just how crazy it is.

[ All screaming ]

[ Laughs ]

You thought you k*lled the baby!

Bam! Oh, he kicked the baby!

So, we don't have any fun at "Black-ish."

[ Shouts ]

[ Laughs ]

That's all we do. [ Laughs ]

Obama's the first black president?

What --

[ groans ] You're doing a bang-up job over here.

No, no, no. Hold on a second. Let's explore this.

Shahidi: It shows three generations of one family.

And it's cool to see the dynamics between each generation.

You knew that Obama was the first black president, right?

I g-guess. Okay.

Mm-hmm. See what I'm talking about?

We pull from, you know, what's going on in the world today.

We also pull from our lives.

Smell that? [ Sniffs ]

Mmm! That is my childhood.

To see people of all ages, all ethnicities responding like, "Oh, my goodness!

I could completely relate to that!"

What do you think, huh?

I think this cow d*ed of natural causes.

This food makes me sad.

You know what? If everybody is so unhappy, why don't we all just go home without eating?

All: Yay!

Really?

I'm sorry.

Easy, girl. Easy, girl.

Shhh!

We are two crazy people.

Are you horse-whispering me?

Is it working?

I do feel less riled.

On the surface, it seems that Dre is the crazy one...

♪ When I say "cup," you say "cake" ♪

Cup! Cup!

Both: Cake! Cake!

Do the Bernie! Come on!

Un-freakin'-believable.

Do the Bernie down the hall!

...but in essence, they both are.

Oh, my son's been kidnapped!

It was only a matter of time!

You have to find him!

Ma'am.

I forgot the [Bleep] thing again.

What's the [Bleep] line?

[ Laughter ]

The good part is that we both are not crazy at the same time.

Big news. I found a way to save Halloween.

Ooh, that's great.

I found a way to save a guy that was at the bottom of a pool for 20 minutes.

Hmm.

But -- but you go. Okay.

Am I on-camera?

Man: Yes, sir.

Oh, guess I need to know the words.

What are the words?

[ Laughter ]

Opposites attract?

[ Laughs ]

I guess like -- Like magnets.

You look so sexy when you talk art.

You mean like... Cezanne?

What about Cezanne?

We're such polar opposites, but we are equally nutty, and that's what keeps us connected.

He loved to experiment. [ Breathing heavily ] With what?

Muted colors.

Ooh!

I think Anthony and I are pretty cute together.

I mean, I'm just saying.

Your big-ass hair...

It eclipsed everything!

Did it?

Mom and Dad can never know what happened.

Team Johnson.

Fiddlesticks, fiddlesticks. "A" mark.

I think the kids are beyond adorable. They're adorbs.

They're all immensely talented.

Smile, Miles.

Ross: They're fantastic, they're funny.

Hey, Zoey, I was --

Okay.

I know, right?

Like, she just comes up to me and starts talking.

That's what I have to deal with.

I'm the oldest of the Johnson siblings, which means there's that kind of power.

I'm Zoey Johnson. I run the social scene here.

She's in charge of her high school, but that's about it.

She loves her phone.

It's like her best friend is her phone.

She's, like, the kind of person that will make you feel really unsure of yourself.

That's how she gets you.

Just wait until you try Mama's roast turkey.

Who's Mama?

Me! I'm Mama!

Andre -- I think he's lovable.

He's very nerdy, so that's what gets him on his dad's [Laughing] bad side.

Mom said Zach and I could wear costumes to the new Marvel movie.

Trust me, son, I'm doing you a favor by not letting you do that.

Ross: The way he uses his body is hilarious.

I think he's a comic genius, but don't tell him I said so.

I finally got the coffee order right!

Aah!

So hot! Why?!

And then the two little ones are priceless.

There's only so bad a day can be when there's little munchkins like that on the set.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Scribner: Jack and Diane -- in a way, they're the two people who hold our household together.

You're already the most beautiful person in the world, Mommy.

Aww.

Except your toes.

What?

Those are jacked up.

She [Laughs] is a little bit quirky, a little bit sassy, kind of, to her siblings.

Well, look at Jack and say something nice about him.

[ Sets juice box down ]

I'm sorry.

There's just too much baggage between us.

She's not wrong.

Well, Jack is not as smart as Diane, technically.

I forgot to tell you last week, but Jack and I need two dozen cupcakes for school tomorrow.

Yeah, that's 23 cupcakes.

They mostly get along. They mostly get along.

Unh. Let me stop you right there.

You're boring me.

Ross: Miles can talk.

He's also known for his riddles, many of which are horribly... bad.

[ Laughing ] They're so bad.

And some are amazing.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Oh, lord.

"Breathe." You get it? You get it?

Because -- because the purple grape is --

Can't breathe beca-- That's why it's purple, and the green one is normal.

Anderson: The kids are great.

They do the heavy lifting, and Tracee and I, we just come in and bat cleanup.

Hey, guys, we're here at "Black-ish" set, and we are going to give you a tour, and here we go.

We're here in the living room, and this is where we did, um -- when we --

"prank king." "Prank king."

When we scared Marcus.

[ Sighs ]

[ Roars ]

[ Screams ]

Chair monster! [ Laughs ]

Chair monster!

Zoey, you see the look on your brother's face?

Priceless!

But memories and memories and stuff.

What the hell's she doing here?

What's he doing here?

Scribner: All the amazing people we have on the show... Shush!

...it just makes the scenes really fun.

When are you just gonna stop waking up in the morning?

Question I asked myself every day when I was married to you.

They're just fabulous human beings and so hilarious.

Is that that piece of hot wheels track you used to b*at me with?

Oh, yeah.

Laurence is someone that I can bounce off of.

How many white Russians have you had?

Irrelevant. But a lot. [ Sniffs ]

Aah! Aah!

How you like it [Bleep]

How you like that, huh?!

Aah! Aah!

How you like that?!

Ahh! Ahh!

We're this bouillabaisse.

The stock is only made delicious by each ingredient that you put in there.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Mama!

Baby boy! [ Both laugh ]

And that's what all these characters represent.

You're too hard on the kids.

No.

If I didn't know you were mixed, I'd swear you were Chinese.

That's r*cist!

Black people can't be r*cist.

I was robbed by a damn Mexican!

See? Totally acceptable.

Working with Jenifer Lewis --

It's magical.

Aw.

Now, there's my Andrew.

[ Both laugh ]

My name is --

Andre.

My name is Andre, Mama.

Yes, I got it. Sorry, sorry.

My name is Andre.

You know, I'll pay attention.

And she'll make random sounds and, like...

Oh, oh... Oh! [ Giggles ]

Eh. [ Sighs shakily ]

[ Hisses ]

♪ well ♪

[ Speaking gibberish ]

[ Laughter ]

We each represent that special ingredient that makes the base what it is, and we just stir that pot every week.

So, we are gonna have a lot to do on Monday, but I understand, Dre, Charlie, that it's a holiday for you two, so feel free to take the day off.

Enjoy that.

Having a senior vice president title is a feather in his cap.

What do you mean, "Feel free to take the day off"?

MLK is a national holiday, not a black holiday.

Obama's inauguration -- Black holiday.

O.J. getting off -- Black holiday.

Being one of the few minorities at the company...

You know, I-I don't see color.

Oh.

I'm kidding. [ Laughs ] Can you imagine?

...he has a specific slant and point of view on things.

People used to think that the President of the United States could only be white --

George Jefferson.

Man: No. No.

[ Laughing ] Not George Jefferson.

George Jefferson!

[ Laughter ]

I mean, could you imagine the first lady being weezy?

Weezy! [ Laughs ]

R-really, you're t-talking a little too close to me.

Well, you're -- I'm talking too close to you?

You're talking too close to me.

No, you're talking too close to me.

Anthony Anderson almost made out with me.

I need a minute.

[ Laughs ]

We have a great character on the show, Charlie Telphy.

I got two groups of people in two different parts of the country that I gots to love exactly the same.

Trip. Do you have two families?

Josh: Actually, I think "Big Love"...

[ Laughs ]

Couldn't get it in your mouth!

His character is so in left field.

You ever think y-your gray hair is lint?

[ Laughter ]

So far left that he almost comes from the right.

What's wrong, Dre? You're looking pensive.

Uh, maybe this is just my pee face.

No. I know your pee face.

Shahidi: It's "eye acting," is what I call it, because when you just look at his eyes, they're so expressive. [ Laughs ]
Man: What the hell are you doing?

Why, I must try it before I buy it.

Charlie!

Just the way he will look at somebody is hysterical.

Mm-hmm.

I know that one of the most fun moments for, like, all the kids was the "bro mitzvah" scene.

We all had our moment of shine on the dance floor.

Anthony did some flips, and nobody knew that he could, like...

[ Laughing ] Yeah.

...Full-on flip.

And then he fakes like he actually falls, so everybody's freaking out.

Then he just gets up and smiles.

Yeah.

I thought that the Halloween episode was hilarity.

Hey!

[ Laughs ]

Your polyester awaits.

[ Fabric tears ]

Ow! Ow. Okay.

Being the Jackson 5 plus Janet... Oh, my God.

But, really, some people didn't really know which was which.

I know.

Well, yeah, you could probably tell she was Janet Jackson.

Yeah, I had a purple dress on.

[ Laughs ] We know who Anthony was.

Anthony was Tito.

Dre: And there was no better time to be Tito.

The outfits were amazing.

Shahidi: And our personalized afros were nice.

We had to grow those out for, like -- whew -- months.

Yeah. It took us a long time.

Afros!

I love when Dre "toddlers" Rainbow.

Did you just "toddler" me?

This is a peaceful protest.

I "Gandhi'd" you.

Gandhi inspired the world. You are a giant baby man.

Get up!

I don't know if you guys know this about Anthony, but he is a sturdy individual.

And I'm putting my stank --

Oh, God!

He's made out of rubber.

Are you okay?

No, baby, I was acting. This is for the scene.

I'm, like, "that was your acting?"

Oh! [ Laughter ]

The man will do anything for a laugh.

Shahidi: "The Nod" was one episode that I could relate to so much.

Why didn't you give that kid the nod?

The nod? Yes, the nod.

We have had that conversation in my house so many times.

Bow, the nod is on the same primal level as a baby waving "Hi."

That's right.

Uh-huh.

A-as a man scrunching up his face when a woman with a big butt walks by.

Ahh!

Whew!

The fantasy scene when we're in all white and you have the gold bike.

Oh, yeah.

That was one of my favorites.

I like the part when we're on top of the ice-cream truck making it rain.

Scribner: They actually had real money-blowing machines.

It was pretty amazing. [ Chuckles ]

Guess we have to entertain ourselves.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

You thinking what I'm thinking?

[ Both laughing, screaming ]

When we were going down the stairs, that was pretty cool.

Yeah, we do our own stunts. Just, yeah.

[ Both screaming ]

We went so fast, but they're actually pulling us.

One person was --

Oh, yeah, we had a harness.

Junior: Okay. Here we go.

Are you crazy?!

They need helmets.

It was so cool to then actually see it in the episode and see how well it turned out,

'cause what we saw were, like, cords dangling...

[ Laughs ] ...And them attached to, like, seat belts and all sorts of stuff.

Whoo!

[ Crash ]

Then this is the kitchen.

This is how we do our juggling.

I can do this and stuff.

I can't juggle at all, so...

Practice makes perfect, guys.

A fridge, yes.

Fridge.

When we sh*t "The Gift Of Hunger," we opened the door...

And there's a camera sticking out, and it can see us.

Why is the fridge empty?

Is it broken?

We have... grape soda.

Pizza -- That's all gone.

Strawberries!

These are not real.

[ Rattling ] These are not real.

Nobody knows, but...

[ Clatter ] Oh! I had it!

...none of these fruits are real.

Babe, how could you keep me out of the sex-talk loop?

Dre, please.

You are uptight with this kind of thing.

I mean, look at the way you wear a towel.

I'm sorry -- Did you want to talk to her about her menstrual cramps?

I just might.

Uh-huh.

Right after I get into the sex-talk loop with Ginior.

Ginger? And Mary Anne.

♪ And Mr. Howell ♪

mm-hmm.

It's really hard work.

There's nothing fun about doing "Black-ish."

We're never laughing.

[ Laughs ]

Nothing's ever funny.

Oh, I disadree.

[ Laughs ] "I disadree"?

Oh, my God. You're so sleepy.

My baby's so tired. [ Laughs ]

[ Imitating Laurence Fishburne ] And the hardest part is working with Laurence Fishburne because he's so not talented.

[ Bell ringing ]

[ Both laugh ]

It is so much fun.

Dre: Put it on the glass! Put it on the glass!

Oh!

It doesn't feel like work.

Anderson: Move out the girl's sh*t!

[ Laughter ] I need you to focus and look at me like I'm crazy!

All right? 'Cause I'm crazy right now!

I'm cray-cray!

Shahidi: The writers do an amazing job of writing fabulous, really funny scripts, but then it also is brought to life by ad-libbing and improv-ing.

He's the first president to make it three times past his life expectancy.

He's the first man in the Oval Office to slap bones.

He's the first man in the Oval Office to have the sickle-cell trait.

We like to do so much improv that they'll, just, like Yara said, keep the camera rolling.

He's the first man elected in his 40s to drink a 40.

He's the first president to use Magic Shave.

That's all I got.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

We're definitely a family off-camera.

[ Laughing ] Nope! I'm done.

And then I love when it's just the four kids,

'cause we're always up to something.

[ Low-pitched squeak ]

Oh, my God! Yara, unnecessary.

[ Chuckling ] Wasn't me.

We get to goof around, and we have a lot of fun.

Dre: Your mother and I waited eight years before having children after you were born so I could figure out this line.

Oh.

Shahidi: The dynamic is awesome, and it feels like a real family.

Dre: Swing like you want to hurt the ball, son.

Hurt the ball!

Imagine the ball's your father.

[ Laughter ]

Anthony and Tracee, they really act like...

Our mom and dad.

...They're our parents.

Just be quiet, and you focus, okay?

He's focused, he focused. Now you focus.

Brown: Anthony is pretty funny.

He would always call us different nicknames at times.

Yeah, he calls him "Party Time."

"Hi. I'm Miles."

Oh, yeah. And Miles with the dance moves.

Unh. Oh. Oh, robot, yeah.

He does not stop moving. No joke.

But he is Da b*mb Diggity at dancing.

Oh. [ Laughs ]

Da b*mb Diggity.

We're all goofy people.

Do you think that this is gonna say to Janine that I am ballin' out of control?

Huh?

Dre: You are definitely out of control -- and silly.

To be in an area in which your goofiness and silliness and your creativity is allowed to thrive is such a great environment to be in.

Tell your mama we can see the dimples in her booty when she walk off.

The dimples are the best part.

[ Laughs ]

Shahidi: It's so cool to have fans that are dedicated to watching this show.

It's awesome getting all the positive feedback on social media and everything.

Wow. You hacked in there pretty fast, man.

That's some next-level stuff, son.

Can't anybody just get onto Facebo--?

No. I did something special, and Dad loves me for it.

Brown: It's pretty cool knowing that they kind of pay attention to what we're doing.

We're all going to wear these T-shirts to show family unity.

You get, like, a good feeling off of making people laugh.

I should've eaten this shirt.

I should've gotten adopted by Madonna.

I should've peed at home.

It's healing. We heal each other through laughter.

N-n-no! Ah! Oh, god!

No matter what it is that you're going through in life, if someone can come by and make you laugh in that moment, that just lifts your heart.

Laughter is medicine.

Three, two, one...

Launch.

I missed mine.

Me too.

[ Laughing ] Okay. You did?

Did I do it wrong?

No.

Stop listening to the voices in your head.

[ Laughs ] They're talking to me.

I can tell you that there are some great episodes coming out very shortly...

Yeah.

...definitely exploring the different sides of all the characters.

Junior: Look at him!

Rainbow: O-oh, God!

Thank you for helping me out this year.

Mommy really needed a win.

I tell you, [Laughing] It's always like God, how much can a girl take?

You know what I mean?

Rainbow's got some stuff to be explored.

Are you okay, Mom?

Yeah, I am.

It's just, you know, he's a lot sometimes.

When Rainbow said, "Why don't you tell my hair and my ass?"

I believe that there is a caravan of stories in that.

This idea of being a mixed woman in the context of this family...

Alicia: It's bulgur kernels.

This is what Rainbow grew up eating.

Oh, I'll be damned if I'm gonna eat that.

...some of the things she has newly been exposed to through Ruby and Pops...

Oh, baby, so that's why you can't cook?

I'll be damned. I've been blaming the victim.

I'm excited to just kind of explore different aspects of Zoey.

You've never really seen her just hanging out with friends.

Or Junior.

I'd like to see how much more trouble one person can actually get into.

When did you start parting your teeth in the middle?

[ Bowl thuds ]

You got a real mean streak.

I had a dream --

I was like, "Diane needs to sing."

[ Vocalizes ]

Get it, girl.

She needs to sing. And Miles needs to dance more.

You need to dance. [ Snaps fingers ]

[ Laughs ] Boom!

Can't argue with that.

Anderson: I'm just looking forward to telling more stories as these characters on "Black-ish."

I'm really excited to see and witness what they evolve into.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry we messed up your day.

Nice to see you.

"Black-ish" Wednesday nights, ABC!

Anderson: Slow your roll, people. We ain't done yet.

Ross: Stay tuned to see what's coming in the weeks ahead on "Black-ish."

Here we are at Jack and Diane's room.

Mine's flowers, his is robots.

And I do puppet shows.

This is The Prince, and this is Froggy.

We have a little basketball hoop here.

Yay.

Here we are at Dre and Rainbow's room, and this is the Hall of Shoes!

What?!

Hi, Dre. Dre, Dre, Dre. That's hilarious.

This whole thing is for Dre.

And we have one little thing for bow.

For bow.

Thank you guys so much for being here with us.

Hope you watch more "Black-ish."
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