01x21 - The Peer-ent Trap

[bunniefuu]

There comes a time when every teenager challenges their parents.

Zoey has been putting her mom to the test for a while.

[Singsongy] Hey, girl!

Go away.

Bye, girl.

But me and Zoey, we've always had the best relationship... [Thud]

Ohh!

Until recently.

Hey... what's going on?

Your sister's supposed to be watching you.

She is. We're playing a game called "Zoey doesn't want to be bothered."

I'm winning.

Zoey!

Hey, dad.

Are those my starter studs?

Are they?

You do not wear daddy's earrings, all right?

That's man jewelry.

And it all came to a head the other day.

M.O.P.: ♪ Ante up, yap that fool ♪
♪ ante up, kidnap that fool ♪

[Bell dings] ♪ it's the perfect timin' ♪

Pull over.

Oh, no.

I said, pull over!

[Horn honks]

Hey, shut up! I'm yelling at my kid right now!

Pull over, but not right here, because the guy behind me has road rage.

[Horns honking]

Oh, you wanna go? You wanna go?!

[Honking continues] You wanna go?!

[Bell dings]

I didn't know it was you.

And you weren't even driving your car.

That's because I was sizing up a Buick enclave for an account at work.

More like a Buick entrapment.

[Laughs] Nice! Wrong.

You?

No more phone till further notice.

What?

That's not fair.

Hey, you drove a car at 15.

You keep talking, there'll be no spring formal.

Now go to tie yourself to your bed and think about what you did.

This is bad, Bow.

It's not great.

But you know what? She's a teenager.

[Door closes in distance]

And they need to rebel a little bit. That's what kids do.

This is a gateway infraction.

A what?

Where I'm from, first, it's joyriding, then cr*ck, then getting pregnant and having your baby in a toilet...

Wh... then selling the baby you had in the toilet for better cr*ck!

Where did you grow up?

Far away from your hometown of vanilla hills, a suburb of caucasia.

Population... zero toilet babies.

I cannot believe we're having this argument again.

Bow, it's not your fault you're clueless.

All right? After all, you were raised by... for lack of a better term... your mother.

Alicia: Rainbow, my sweet, I don't want to harsh your vibe, but you might find that your choice leads to an unexpected result.

I never put a fork in a socket again.

That's because your heart stopped b*ating for two minutes.

Dre, my mother allowed me to learn my lessons on my own...

Mm.

And now I'm a doctor.

And I have an intimate understanding of electrical current as it relates to cardiac muscle.

Your childhood was lawless, practically feral.

So the internment that was your childhood was better?

Well, say what you want, but he didn't get away with anything.

If I thought he was up to no good, tossed his room.

[Fabric ripping] Pops?

Stitch it back up.

Hey, I learned discipline...

And sewing.

And you grew up resenting your father.

As it should be.

You guys just don't get it.

Girls at this age shut their mothers out.

And Zoey already doesn't wanna hang out with me, and I hate it.

I was best friends with my mother.

Aw.

I liked it!

And I wanna be best friends with my daughter.

Well, you're in luck. The way you guys are running things, your daughter will bring home her own daughter soon...

It... and you can have two best friends.

So what's it like to drive a car?

Oh, it's actually pretty cool...

See, Zoey?

You're setting a bad example for the young ones.

They should be thanking me.

And you all need to show a little more respect.

For you? Why?

Gonna need reasons.

As the oldest, I'm taking the heat so you won't have to.

I'm your civil rights movement.

False prophet.

Guys, just be good. It's easier.

I never have to look over my shoulder, and I have no worries and no stress.

You also have no friends and have never kissed a girl.

Children, walk with me in the light.

Walk with me.

[Lowered voice] Come on.

So if Zoey hadn't looked over at me in the car, she would've gone on her way, and the headlines would've read, "unlicensed girl crashes car, beloved daddy's reputation ruined."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but your daughter and her friends were checking out a Buick enclave.

That's pretty useful info for the Research Department.

Are you not listening to me right now?

Hey.

Do you think she'd do a video testimonial?

So today is the day you guys decide to focus on work?

You're right. You're right. [Inhales sharply]

That's lunch, everybody.

Mm!

No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on. I need some feedback and I tried talking to Bow, but that's no help.

Hell, she lets the kids do what they want.

I hear ya, Dre. My first wife was a bit of an enabler.

It ended with my boys trying to to Menendez me.

Duct-taped me to the fridge and b*at me with a bag of clementines to get my bank codes.

Wow.

We were taught to, uh, respect our parents. Right, Charlie?

Hell, yeah.

Except Eustace kinda runs the show at my house.

I lost the moral high ground once I bought a jet ski in his name and ruined his credit.

You own a jet ski?

Technically, he does.

Or did. Had to get rid of it.

My building manager said it was taking up to much room in the pool.

[Grunts] Look, Dre, what have you done to punish Zoey?

I took away her phone.

Smart.

So you can check out all her Snapchats, Tumblr, Tinder, Grindr.

I'm on all of 'em.

Pretty lonely, you guys.

Hey, thinking about getting a cat.

Social media is the wild, wild west.

Mm-hmm.

I read about some teens running a prostitution ring on Instagram. kids these days!

So much hustle.

You have got to keep tabs on your kids at all times.

And technology will let you do that.

Like right now my boys are...

In my kitchen, filling a gunnysack full of cantaloupes.

Ooh. Can't go home right now.

Amidst their insanity, my co-workers had some good advice... violate my daughter's federally protected right to privacy.

Man: [Russian accent] Now that you've cloned fingerprint, use it to bypass phone security.

Bang! I'm in!

[Laughs]

Is that Zoey's phone?

Uh-huh.

I broke into her snapchat account with the help of this Russian YouTube hacker.

It's called parenting.

It's called a heinous invasion of privacy.

See? That's your problem. You're too pro-kid.

"Oh, kids are people, too." Blah, blah, blah.

Loosey-goosey parenting like that is what made things like James Franco.

He took a chance at the oscars.

Bow, you really need to learn how to say "no."

I know how to say "no."

Do you?

Hmm?

Yes.

Yes.

[Ladder rattling]

Yes.

Well, it's better than only knowing how to say "no."

May I No.

Can you No.

I got an "A"!

No.

I don't even think you can say the word "yes."

No, I can.

Unbelievable.

Here's what it looks like when you try to become best friends...

Mm-hmm. Yep.

With your daughter.

Huh. Look at Zoey's friend Maya.

She's best friends with her mom.

Mm-hmm.

And that's why I'm looking at pictures of her new boobs and her mom's.

Look at Zoey's pal Sarah...

Mm-hmm.

In what looks to be an invisible bikini.

Look at the crew she hangs with!

These are the people...

Okay.

That our baby girl...

Enough! Enough.

You need to stop now, Dre. Stop.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

What?

Wait. Is that Zoey? That's Zoey.

Let me see.

Oh, my God. She's holding a cigarette!

And reclining on a motorcycle!

Okay, in her defense, that's an e-cigarette and... and a Vespa.

Bow!

You're right!

[Gasps] She's gonna have a toilet baby, and we're gonna be toilet grandparents.

You still wanna be her best friend, or do you wanna drop the hammer?

It's hammer time.

Damn straight.

Doggy's off the chain. Woof! Woof!

Woof! Woof!

Look, you cannot let Zoey know we have access to her phone.

We have to hide the ball. "Imitation Game."

Okay.

Got it.

All right.

A man listening to hype music while referencing a gay British wartime math movie. You are a delightful bundle of contradictions.

Unh!

DMX: ♪ Shut 'em down, open up shop ♪
♪ oh, no ♪

[Whispers] Okay. All right, look. It's go time.

All right, the kids will never know what hit 'em.

[Loudly] Hear me, children! New family rules coming at you!

For all of us? What did we do?

Yeah. We all know Zoey's the bad seed.

Hey!

Shh!

Rules are a warm security blanket, smothering all uncertainty.

Exactly.

We called this meeting so that we can have an open dialogue and work together [Loud thud]

Oh!

Dre: Boom!

Um... hmm?

What's that?

Oh!

This is "the 10,000 commandments."

Commandment number 1...

"Thou shall not..."

Is he serious?

Uh, yes.

Commandment 1B...

"Thou shall not interrupt the giver of commandments."

"...no TV, Internet, or parental requests after 10:00 p.m."

But...

Aah, aah, aah!

But... but...

Now in the "should go without saying" section, "no driving without a license. and no hanging out with dopes that will hold you back."

But we share a room.

I'm going to punch you in the back while you're asleep.

[Sighs deeply] Nobody's punching anybody in the back while they're asleep.

And if you find something laying in the middle of the street that's not quite dead, thou shall not put it in your sock drawer.

What if you already named it "Gus"?

Gus must go.

[Whines]

Probably wasn't gonna make it through the night anyway.

Mom, does this not all seem crazy to you?

Dre.

Huh?

Um... Could we have a little sidebar in the kitchen?

Fine.

But I will be obeyed.

And yes... [whispers] I'm talking to you.

What was that?

I was about to ask you the same thing.

Me?

And what was up with this undermining chicken routine?

Huh?! Every time I spoke, you were like, "but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but..." [Clucks]

Dre, your rules are over the top.

These are children.

Mm-hmm.

They're not prisoners.

You let the dog off the leash, somebody bound to get bit.

Mm-hmm.

All right, maggots!

[Chuckles]

Last chance. Do you wanna run away with us?

We're going somewhere with fewer rules, like a German submarine academy.

Not everyone has the fortitude to live by the law, but we must stay the straight and narrow.

Forget the rules. I need sugar to get over Gus.

By the way, Gus passed.

Don't forget to shut down his Twitter account.

Oh, yeah.

Before you eat that, let's examine the good book.

Diane: Hmm?

It says, "no sticky stuff in the house."

There's a way around that.

Watch and learn, children. Watch and learn.

[Blinds whoosh]

[Dog barking in distance]

[Mouth full] See? My head is outside, so I'm not eating it in the house.

And that's what we call a loophole.

Listening.

The trick is to make the rules work for you. Take Mitt Romney.

He made more money last year than Belgium and only paid, like, $27 in taxes.

How?

Completely legal loopholes.

Mind... Blown.

So Taffy up...

And come join me in the loophole.

I'm calling from a landline.

I mean, it sounds better, but I don't care. It's gross.

I'm only allowed to go out one night a month.

So if I go to a movie with you guys, I can't go to spring formal.

Because my parents are crazy.

[Clears throat]

Yeah.

Hey, girl!

[Phone beeps] Go away.

Zoey, come on. It's just a movie.

That Daylen Diaz is going to.

Who's she?

He God, mom.

He's only the guy I've been obsessed with all semester.

And if I don't go, Maya's gonna be there, shoving her new boobs in his face.

But... You don't care.

No, I-I-I do care.

Don't be mad at me. D...

Zoey... [door closes]

These are your father's rules, okay? They're not mine.

If it were up to me, I would let you go.

I mean, Maya? Ugh.

I haven't liked her ever since she hacked into your club penguin account and rearranged all that furniture.

[Sighs deeply]

You can't let Maya get Daylen.

So you'll let me go?

W...

I would love to, but I can't do that unilaterally.

I mean, maybe we can get your dad to change his mind.

That'll never happen.

It might.

Have you ever told your dad that he looked skinny?

Why would I say that?

Do you wanna go to the movies or not?

♪

And it's just CityWalk.

It's not even a real city.

So really, I'm not asking for anything.

Mm-hmm.

You're looking so slender lately, dad.

Uh, have you been working out?

Well, I did a push-up yesterday.

Oh!

I saw him do it.

[Chuckles] Wow.

Are you trying to work me?

It is working?

No.

No?

Now tell me, who exactly is going?

Uh, well...

Maya, Chloe, Beth, Daylen... whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold... hold on.

Daylen? What... what kind of name is Daylen?

Uh, it's a... it's a-a very...

Uh, popular name with girls.

Yeah.

Yeah, uh, girls love Daylen.

It's basically just a girls' night out.

So you cool with this, Bow?

Well, I mean, it's totally against the rules, but I'm game if you're game.

All right, let me tell you how this is gonna go down.

Mm-hmm I'll let you hang with your little girlfriends, but you have to be back in this house by 11:30 sharp.

Thank you, dad. You are the best.

See that?

Mm-hmm.

Power and mercy.

[Whispers] Yeah.

[Chuckles]

You are as wise as you are skinny.

Yeah, I think you're making fun of me.

No.

And I forgive you.

Mnh. Okay.

Power... And mercy.

So you've been a real father for, what, two days?

You have any idea where your daughter is right now?

Longitude or latitude, huh?

See that green dot right there at CityWalk? That's Zoey.

I could send in a drone and wipe her off the face of the earth, or I could send her a delicious tin of Garrett's popcorn.

I don't understand why you need all that high-tech crap to keep tabs on your kids.

I mean, I hired a homeless guy to follow you, keep you out of trouble.

[Chuckles]

You mean the white dude in the beret with no neck?

[Dogs barking in distance]

Paid him with a crown royal bag full of quarters.

Told ne everything I needed to know.

I thought that dude was trying to kidnap me.

Pops, you told me I was being paranoid!

You do realize that experience shaped the way I feel about white people.

Son, No-Neck Tony loved you.

And on the bright side, you never got kidnapped by a white man.

What?

I'm going to get some coffee. You want some?

Another fun loophole... dad said no late night eating, but he didn't say no late night drinking.

Aw, yeah!

[Whirs] Whoa!

Behold... the Hamburger-Smoothie.

And what's a burger without fries?

[Resumes whirring]

So curfew was what, 11:30?

She gonna make it home in, uh... 45 seconds?

[Laughs] No-Neck Tony would've knocked you out and had you home by now.

I thought those were blackouts.

I was convinced I had epilepsy.

Well, that's on you.

When I heard Tony's shopping cart coming, I knew you were all right.

You know what? Zoey will be here in time.

I have control over my children.

Uh-huh.

Junior, what did I tell you about eating after dinner?

I'm not eating, dad. I'm drinking.

A cheeseburger smoothie with fries.

Loophole!

Ohh. Clever.

How's it taste?

[Slurps]

Awesome!

I see.

Now drink every chunky drop.

[Mouth full] Mnh! Oh, God. Pickle.

[Coughs] See?

I'm in control.

Your son is drinking meat.

Tight ship.

Rainbow: Hey, it's Bow. Leave a message.

[Beep]

Bow, call me.

Have you heard from Zoey?

She's an hour late for her curfew, and...

I don't wanna sound like a woman, but...

[Voice breaks] Oh, God. I'm worried sick!

[Door opens]

[Dog barking in distance]

Hey... Dad.

Yeah.

Give me a second to experience relief that you're not dead.

[Exhales deeply]

Where the hell have you been, huh?!

I... you better have a damn good story!

And I don't care what the story is, it's never gonna be good enough! Start talking, girl!

It was...

Shut up! I don't wanna hear it!

I don't know what to do now.

Yeah. Lucky for you, neither do I.

You obliterated your curfew without so much as a phone call.

Oh, my phone d*ed.

So you were at a phone funeral?

That's where you were?

No, no, no.

Uh-huh! Look at this. Uh-huh.

Oh, my God. You made a fake fingerprint?

Yeah. That'll teach you to drink milk without gloves.

Hold that.

Dre: Then the whole sordid affair played out in front of me.

I realized my daughter was living a dark, secret life...

With my wife!

Zoey' voice: L.O.L. Daylen asked me to spring formal.

He's so cute. Maya cried!

Emoji heart, emoji heart, emoji heart...

Zoey's voice: Mom, ride left early...

Dre: I felt so betrayed.

Bow helped Zoey play me?

Daylen is a boy?

And I don't want to sound like woman, but...

[Stomps foot] [Voice breaks] They think I'm fat.

[Door closes]

Hello, rainbow.

[Gasps]

[Switch clicks] Dre! Are you trying to give me a heart att*ck?!

You're the one sneaking in.

Or coming home from work.

Mm-hmm. Hey, is there anything you'd like to talk about?

Any conspiracies you'd like to reveal?

Uh... Not that I can think of.

You.

Uber.

Zoey's girlfriend Daylen having a penis.

You didn't stand strong, Bow!

[Sighs deeply] You're right.

I'm sorry. Okay, I just wanted... yeah, admit it!

I... admit that you just wanted to be friends with her.

Yeah, that's what I was about to say.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. It was a part of my apology.

Oh, I didn't hear it.

I was wrong.

Mm-hmm.

Okay? But she was letting me back in, and I just couldn't resist. So I...

I gave her a couple of tips about how to handle you.

Since when have I needed to be handled?

Since you became a crazy person?

Mm-hmm.

Your heart is in the right place, but you can be very scary.

You were sitting in the dark, waiting for a grown-ass woman.

That's why the kids come to me.

Youse a scary man.

I am not scary.

I'm cuddly and lovable, damn it!

This hit me hard.

I needed to get some outside opinions on whether I was scary or not.

Hey, guys!

[All scream]

Okay, I was just gonna ask if I was scary, but...

Oh, yeah. Terrifying.

Are you sure you're just not afraid of black dudes?

Totally, but you're a special case.

I mean, just hearing you breathe cures my hiccups.

Yeah, it's you, maing.

Hey, people who know me know that I am a cuddly and lovable guy.

Who can be a little hard to talk to.

And doesn't take criticism well.

For example, Dre, all of the original artwork you did for the Buick pitch said "Biuck."

What?

And I knew you'd fly off the handle if I pointed it out to you, so I asked Charlie to change it without telling you.

See?

"Experience the new Biuck"? Charlie!

I-I was s-scared to... to ch-change it.

When people whose judgment you don't trust at all are still able to size you up, it's time to listen.

So I decided to ease up a bit and let Zoey go to spring formal.

Now have fun, and remember, no Vespas and no vaping.

What?

I see everything.

Dre, it's enough. She learned her lesson.

All right.

Rainbow: Bye, babe.

Have fun! [Chuckles]

[Car door closes]

Nice moment, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Daughter off to the spring formal with the blessing of both her moms.

What are you trying to say, pops?

I'm not trying to say anything. I said it.

Son, you're soft.

I... you're lady soft.

You're ladysoft black mambazo.

So... Text me pictures.

Text me stories.

Just text me, okay?

Got it.

Wait, this...

That's funny. My seat's so close. [Whirring]

Ooh! Lumbar's off, too.

Weird.

Someone swapped my Beck for Beyoncé? [Seat belt clicks]

Get out of the car.

Get... Out... Of... The car!

[Groans]

Are you kidding me?

Zo-zo?

What's going on?

She drove my car.

What?

You know what? She is not going to the spring formal.

She's not leaving the house. [Door closes]

She might not go to college.

Zoey! [Door opens]

[Lowered voice] Well, son, looks like your wife decided to sac up and grow a pair, huh?

You're off the hook.

Rainbow: Go to your room! I do not want to see your face! Ugh!