01x23 - Elephant in the Room

[bunniefuu]

Dre: There are certain things in life that are just true.

Fact... the earth revolves around the sun.

Fact... 2 times 2 is 4.

And fact... black people aren't Republicans.

[Yawns] We just aren't.

We vote for Democrats. [Brays]

And it's not just an Obama thing.

He could have dropped-kick this baby, and I still would have voted for him.

But black people also overwhelmingly backed this guy, this guy...

Get down, now.

Hell, 91% of black people voted for this guy.

Fact... 91% of Walter Mondale's family didn't vote for Walter Mondale.

Sure! The other side may trot out a token black face every now and again, but the fact of the matter is being a black Republican is something we just don't do.

Ah! Hey, son. How was your day?

Oh, great. I joined the young Republicans club at school.

Fact... Junior may not be a donkey, but he's definitely an ass.

Black-ish
01x23
Elephant In The Room

Lunch for you.

Ah, lunch for you. [Kisses] Mm.

[Bag rustles] Lunch for you.

Ahh. Unh-unh.

[Bag thuds] No free lunch for you.

I don't want to offend your Republican sensibilities by giving you a handout.

[Door closes] I skipped breakfast.

Yeah, well, if you wanna eat, pull yourself up by your bootstraps!

Dre, what are you doing?

Well, Bow, we have a problem.

Junior... Is a Republican.

[Thud]

Well, that's okay.

What?

So he wants to shop at banana Republic.

They have a crazy generous return policy.

No, no, no. You're not getting it.

All right? He's a Republican.

A notary public? That's a noble profession.

We'll save us tons of time.

Bow!

Hmm?

A Republican.

A member of the Irish Republican Army?

What the hell?

Okay, okay.

So if you gotta take down a couple of fish and chips shops to be free of British rule, Dre, you gotta do what you gotta do.

N-no! Ronald Reagan. Ann Coulter.

Fox news. Tea party!

Bow! Republican!

Republican?

Yes!

No!

Yes!

No!

Yes!

No!

Yes!

We don't do that, Dre! We are compassionate liberals who believe in tolerance, acceptance, open...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. But we're black, all right?

That's all that matters. We're black.

When did he start believing that immigrants should go back across the border, that evolution doesn't exist?!

They should.

What?

And it doesn't. That's just proper thinking.

What?

Now what's all this fuss about?

Mom... Junior is a Republican.

[Coffee pot clatters]

Well, that's fine.

What?

He wants to be a publican. A British tavern owner.

Noble profession.

No, mama. A Republican.

[Clenching teeth] What's that you say?

You say "re"? As in Republican?!

Uh-huh! - No, he can't be a Republican!

[Crying] Oh, my God!

Not a Republican!

Oh, Jesus! Black Jesus! Sarah Palin.

You do know "nose in a book" is just an expression, right?

What do you want?

I think you might need glasses.

You're squinting to read.

And this morning, you almost brushed your teeth with the hydrocortisone.

I'm good.

Dad! Zoe needs glasses!

Don't listen to her. I can see fine, Dad.

Um... It's mommy.

I knew that.

And I'm gonna make an appointment with the eye doctor for next week.

No, no, no. I can see fine... ow! [Thud]

Aah.

Or this week.

[Whispers] You need glasses.

Experience the all-new expectation-shattering buick.

Stop, stop, stop.

I don't like what I'm hearing.

Uh, that's the client's copy.

No, I hear squeaking.

Chair check!

Chair check!

No, none of ours.

I'm on it.

[Chairs rattling]

Really? You're gonna interrupt my pitch for this?

What's wrong, buddy? You love chair check.

Look, man, it's my son. He's...

Boom! Found it.

Excellent job! [Grunts]

Uh, sorry, Dre, you were in the middle of telling us your son is gay. Yeah.

What? No. My son is not gay. He's...

A Republican.

[Gasps]

Outstanding! Your son is exactly the type of young man that the party needs.

You're sure he's not gay, though, right?

No, you... you don't get it.

There are just some things that black people cannot do.

All right? You can live in the suburbs and be cool.

You can listen to the Dave Matthews Band and still be down. Love me some D.M.B.

A black guy can marry someone white and still be cool.

Kanye, Quincy Jones... - Mm-hmm.

Tiger Woods, Ice-t, Richard Pryor... - Okay, Charlie.

Cuba Gooding Jr., Seal, Taye Diggs...

Look, Charlie...

Charles Barkley...

Charlie...

Keenan, Lamar Odom, Chiwetel Ejiofor...

Hey, Charlie, look, man, we don't have enough time for that.

Plus you didn't even get to anybody in the NFL or the fathers of the Golden State Warriors backcourt.

[Whispers]

Klay Thompson. Look, you can do anything, but you can't be a black Republican.

They are not down for us, so we are not down for them.

Are you saying all Republicans are r*cist?

No, of course not.

[Under breath] But they are.

That is bullcrap. My dad is a Republican, and I cannot tell you how often he starts a sentence with, "I'm not a r*cist, but..."

[Lowered voice] Look, you just gotta do something about junior.

You don't want him to end up an Uncle Tom.

True that.

Why not?

I love my Uncle Tom. Okay, he wasn't actually my Uncle, but he was a great black guy named Jim who worked for my dad and did everything he was told, even at the expense of his own community.

Uncle Tom isn't a great thing, is it?

Both: Mnh-mnh.

[Singsongy] Zoey's getting glasses!

I'm so excited!

Why do you care so much?

Dad gave everyone great nicknames.

Junior's "junior," Zoey's "zo-zo," you're "Party time."

♪ Party time, party time, party... ♪

Stop!

Except me. I have the worst nickname.

Daddy, Daddy!

Ah, hey.

Look at my new glasses.

Lookin' good, Urkel. Girl Urkel.

Gurkel!

[Laughs]

I don't know if I like that name.

Well, it amused me for a moment, so I guess you're gonna have to live with it for the rest of your life.

Now I'm gonna go tell the family what your new nickname is.

Her new nickname is "Gurkel"!

This is my chance to ditch this nickname.

You're not listening to a word I'm saying, Party time.

So hard to stand still.

Party time!

There was no way I was gonna let my namesake become an Uncle Tom.

[Door thuds] Son, you're broken.

And me and a hundred years of negritude are gonna fix you.

Now why'd you join the young Republicans?

Honestly, because of how I feel about Hillary.

Hillary? Come on, man.

I know she's not the freshest candidate, but...

No, Dad. Hillary Montgomery, a girl at my school.

She's the secretary of the young Republicans.

Oh, you did this for a girl. Well, come on, son.

You can't be scaring me like that.

And most of the time black girls don't like me.

She's black? What is going on?

Never mind.

Never mind. You got a girl on the line.

You know what, son? Here. Take her out for ice cream on me this week. Whoo! Thanks.

Oh! Do I still have to read these books?

Hell, no! Books are for nerds.

Ha! Readin'.

You've got you a girl. Ha ha!

Ugh. I look like someone I wouldn't let sit with me.

What?! No, you? Never.

Jack? I would not be seen with you.

Exactly. You know what? I'm not wearing these.

No! I mean, no. You don't have to do that.

Why do you wanna go back to being blind when you can finally see the world?

Go on. Look how you can see the detail on the leaves on the trees.

Now look there at the restless b*ating of the hummingbird's wing.

Wow.

See?

Yes, and finally I can.

[Whispers] New Gurkel.

Well, I'll never need glasses. - Mm-hmm.

I can read that. I can read that.

I can read that.

Can you read this?

SIM-ple...

SIM-plemene-did?

Not so mouthy now, are we, party time?

Hey.

Hey. Oh! I talked to junior.

Okay. All right? It's all good.

He is not a Republican.

Oh, my God. Fantastic! What'd you do?

Found out he only joined that club because he's hot on a girl, and it's not about her policies.

It's about her pair of c's.

[Laughs]

I'm leaving you.

Hmm?

That's worse, Dre.

Why?

Men are impressionable.

Women can get men to do anything, and it sticks.

Look at you. You're eating seaweed right now because of me.

Seaweed is delicious.

No, seaweed is terrible.

It's seaweed. Weeds from the sea, Dre.

It's in the name, and you're loving it right now because I told you to.

Well, junior is a lot stronger than what you think.

Hey, Mom? Dad? This is Hillary.

Hello.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you as well. - Mm-hmm.

Uh, so, uh, how was ice cream?

Oh, we didn't get ice cream.

She took me to see anti tax crusader grover norquist speak at the Reagan library.

What?

He was sobering.

Then Hillary bought me d*ck Cheney's biography.

Mm.

It's awesome!

I mean, the dude destroyed Iraq, got rich rebuilding it? Hero!

Then he sh*t a guy, and the guy apologized. Pimp!

Hmm.

That should be the name of his book...

"d*ck Cheney: Hero pimp"!

Oh, my God.

Bow was right. [Crunches]

Seaweed is horrible.

Guys, have you ever noticed that we live in a really nice house?

[Gasps]

Wow. With those new glasses, I'd say Zoey's even more like a girl Urkel than Diane.

You think so?

Line?

[Sighs] "I'd say we have a new Gurkel."

Yeah, new Gurkel.

Whoa, guys, I think you're right.

Zo-zo's the new Gurkel!

[Snorts]

Oh, my God! With the snorting?

Full Gurkel! Fantastic!

[As urkel] Did I do that?

Ha! Hilarious!

Diane, bedtime.

Come on, baby. Can you do that snort for me one more time?

Oh, yeah. [Snorts] Perfect.

Hold on. Diane, I said bedtime. Why you still standing there?

All right, do that snort again. [Snorting]

Urkel was the breakout character.

What have I given up?

Hey, junior. [Sighs]

Hi. Am I in trouble?

No.

Yes.

We... we just wanna talk to you.

About the trouble that you're in.

[Sighs] Dre.

Son, you cannot become a Republican because of a girl.

But it's about more than that now.

I've been doing some reading, and, Dad, you know how you're always talking about hard work and personal responsibility?

Mm-hmm? - Republicans believe the same thing.

Eh, that's different.

How?

Bow?

Because... We are not close-minded reactionary g*n nuts.

Grandma and Pops are Democrats, and they both have g*ns. In in this house?

B-baby...

What?

Baby, one crisis at a time, okay?

Okay.

We are Democrats.

Yes.

Why?

Bow?

Uh... Because we believe that government can have a meaningful and positive role in people's lives, and it's not just everyone for themselves.

And more importantly, we're black.

Whatever.

I'm gonna go get started on my speech.

Oh, oh, oh, oh! What speech?

Oh, Hillary's father thinks I should run for president of the young Republicans.

He said I'll make a great face of the organization.

[Sighs] Oh, my God.

[Applause] And tonight's final guest... the current face of black Republicans...

Andre Johnson Jr. Welcome, Andre.

[Applause]

It's great to be here, Bill. Let me start by saying, here's what wrong with black people.

So bow and I thought we should meet the parents who were pushing our son to be a Republican leader.

So, Dre, you know the game plan, right?

We're here to reach across the aisle and just get to know these folks.

We're not here to pick a fight or to judge.

I got it.

Okay.

I'll be on my best behavior.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

Looks like Uncle Tom got himself a real nice cabin.

We're off to a very good start.

They don't even stand like black people.

Thank you so much for having us over.

Your home is so beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

Mom, is it all right if I give junior the tour?

Absolutely. Have fun, kids.

[Lowered voice] Hey, take the tour, son.

Tell me what the g*n range look like, all right?

[Bow laughs]

We... we don't have a g*n range.

Oh! Of course you don't.

Your hearing's too good for that.

'Cause g*ns are so loud! - Bang-bang!

Okay. [Laughs] [Chuckles]

How about some lemonade?

Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you so much.

Yeah, I-I-I prefer kool-aid if you got it.

Dre, Dre.

What?

Can you rein it in, please?

I'm... I'm trying to.

Okay.

All right?

All right Wild boar bacon tart?

Oh, isn't that nice?

Oh, of course. Wild boar bacon.

I guess regular bacon's not good enough for them.

Dre...

Mmm! Mmm! [Mouth full] Oh, my God.

And, of course, this is the best bacon I've ever had.

Thank you. Hand-slaughtered.

Mmm. It's the fear that makes it so delicious.

Yeah, salty and fatty. Thick as a pork chop.

This is the Amber rose of bacon.

Okay.

Mmm.

Wow. This says that 70% of girls who get glasses become obese.

Really? Let me see that.

Oh. You don't need to look it up. [Giggles]

[Sighs] All right. Nap time.

[Sighs]

[Groans]

[Mouths words]

What are you doing?

[cr*ck]

[Deep voice] I'm Gurkel.

[Classical music playing] Well, if you ask me, the only reason the right wing wants to enact a voter registration law is to deny the franchise, which is in direct violation of the constitution.

I just asked where you went to college.

[Laughs] Sorry about him. [Laughs]

No, no, no, that's okay. I understand what's going on.

You wonder why we're Republicans.

Mm-hmm. - All right, listen, we recognize that it's not the "hotness," but it lines up with our beliefs as small business owners.

You own a fortune 500 company!

Yeah, well, just barely.

I mean, it's only in the high fours.

And with all the taxes that Obama is heaping on job creators...

Oh, yeah. Blame Obama. Everybody wanna blame Obama.

You know, there are so many perspectives in the world.

It's so many, right? And I...

I wanna reach across the aisle, and with an open mind just ask how... how you reconcile the whole racism thing?

Well, it's not easy. There are some ugly voices out there, but the G.O.P. Is a big tent, and the world is changing.

I'm sorry. What does "G.O.P." Stand for again?

Grand Old Party.

And... and that didn't raise any alarms?

Admittedly, it took some getting used to.

But the G.O.P. Is about putting family first.

You know, I gave up my law career when we had kids.

Did you? Yeah, I just didn't have time for all that leaning in and whatnot. [Laughs]

I lean back into our children.

Lean back. Lean back. - Right? [Laughs] Uh-oh. [Laughs]

[Laughter] No, but it's true.

I mean, women today are always about career, career, career.

I just think moms who are always about their jobs are... Selfish.

Hmm. [Singsongy] Bingo!

So you think it's selfish to save lives?

You know I'm a doctor, right?

I'm actually a doctor and a mother.

Both! Crazy! Who the hell do you think you are?

Yes, who the hell do you think you are?

Well, I'm from Tennessee. My fa...

Hey, excuse me.

Can a brother talk?

Is it all right if a brother says something up in here?

Can a brother talk?

Uh, no one's interrupting you.

Can you let him talk? Can a brother talk?

Can he talk?

Yeah! Let him talk.

Thank you, baby.

Let my man finish his sentence. Mmhmm.

It's a sentence so he can get it out.

Thank you, baby.

Mom, dad, what are you...

You know what? No, junior, let me talk, okay?

Let me talk!

Hey, let her talk, okay?

Let your mama talk.

Let me talk.

I'm letting you talk.

Okay, so this may not have been our finest moment.

You know what?!

Everybody, let everybody talk!

We're letting you talk.

Oh, really?! Really?!

Now I can never show my face at the young Republicans again.

Does that make you happy?

A little, of the outcome, but I can't say we're proud of the process.

[Lowered voice] I'm sorry if your mother became the intolerant person that we thought the Montgomerys were.

Me? Dre, you have four bacon tarts in your pants.

Three, okay? Three.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I wish I had four.

Damn, this is some good Republican bacon.

Junior, we screwed up.

Mmm.

And we're sorry, but these are our beliefs, and we want them to be yours, too.

I don't want your beliefs.

Oh.

But I will take your pocket tarts.

Uh...

Ruby: I heard that.

Now see, that was a mistake. [Door closes]

What?

Don't you know you can't force kids to believe the same things you do? Mmm.

Unless it's about Jesus.

♪ Then it's his way or the highway ♪
♪ To hell ♪

Ruby... You were so close to making sense.

No, Bow, she's right.

Pops not letting me listen to reggae music is the reason I went through my rastafarian phase.

♪

It's like when kids go off to college and never seen alcohol before and they just go crazy.

All: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

Or... So I've been told.

Steering 'em away from something only makes them want it more.

Forbidden fruit, Missy.

I don't think I've ever said this before in my life.

Ruby's right.

Yeah. I also got some ideas about that missing Malaysian Airliner. Pssh!

And I don't think I'll ever say it again.

I doubt it.

So Bow and I resolved to be more balanced in how we present things.

Junior, we just want you to know that we respect your beliefs.

Even if they're wrong.

Mm, and there might be certain things that we don't see eye-to-eye on, but we want you to know that you can try new things, even if we're not in love with them.

Like, say you get into civil w*r re-enactments.

Very weird.

Mm-hmm.

We'd make fun of you. Probably.

But we wouldn't stop you.

No. Or say one of you becomes a celtics fan.

Really?

Yeah.

You would be okay with that, right? Right?

Right.

Right.

Hmm. And let's say one of you girls met a very nice guy... Mmhmm.

And decided that you wanted to stay home and not have a career.

Your mom would be perfectly okay with that.

Right, Bow?

Hmm?

Yeah.

Ah.

Okay. All right.

We're really going there, huh?

[Whispers] Oh, we're there.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Just like your dad would be okay if one of you thought "kingdom come" was Jay-Z's best album?

What?

Really?

Jack: That album is so cool.

[Strained voice] Perfectly okay.

I don't think this is about us anymore.

Should we leave?

I wanna stay and see where this goes.

All right.

I can't believe I'm about to ask you this.

But how's young Republicans going?

Actually, Dad, after much thought, I've decided I'm a Democrat after all.

What?

I did that.

I introduced him to one of my liberal girlfriends, and let's just say her "ideas" are bigger than Hillary's.

Oh.

Come on, dad. I had to.

Republican? We just don't do that.

[Laughs]

Way to go, Gurkel. Mm.

I'm Gurkel! That's my nickname!

Ow! Ow. [Laughs] Hey, hey, hey.

I'm sorry. I didn't know you liked it so much.

I... Guess I didn't either.

Well, since it means so much to you, you will be my only Gurkel from now on. Cool?

Thank you.

All right.

Well, Zoey, looks like we're gonna have to find you another name. Uh...

Butterfly, because you're so delicate and graceful and looking at you is so special.

Aw, that's so sweet, Dad! I love it!

Oh, I love you, Butterfly. Hey, but you know what?

We're gonna have to get you some contacts.

Because glasses are not it. - Mnh-mnh.

Hey, go to school, Gurkel.

All right?

Butterfly? [Sighs] I played this one all wrong.