05x10 - Inauguration

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Mike! Mike! Mike!

Mike, will the president be making a statement about the House vote?

No, the president will not be making a statement at this time.

While she was disappointed in the result, she was thrilled to watch democracy in action.

I mean, the chances of this happening in Russia, nyet.

Mike, if Tom James wins against Senator Montez in the Senate and becomes president, will President Meyer consider...

Okay, let me cut you off right there.

Selina Meyer is not interested in becoming vice president again.

That job is in her rearview mirror.

I stake my reputation on this.

Selina Meyer will never be vice president ever, ever again.

Selina: So, Tom, let's be real.

You're gonna be an accidental president.

Pot, kettle.

I'm here to offer my help in making this transition of power as smooth as possible by joining your administration.

Well, strangely enough, I was thinking along the same lines.

Okay, fantastic. I'll tell you what I want.

I want secretary of state 'cause I think that's the least you can do.

I was thinking vice president.

That's literally the least you can do.

And I really want secretary of state.

Vice president.

Come on, secretary of state.

Vice President Meyer's got a nice familiar ring to it.

No, it doesn't.

Vice president, take it or leave it.

I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row at your inauguration.

That's a leave it.

Selina: General George Washington could climb out of his grave right now and I would rather eat out his zombified wooden asshole twice a day than be his vice f*cking... f*cking anything!

Okay, let's put a pin in the VP for now.

(SNORING)

Seriously?

Morning, ma'am.

Will somebody wake up Mike? Or not. What's the difference?

Ma'am, last night I ran a flash poll on presidential scholars.

They have rated you the 43rd most effective president ever.

Out of how many?

Kent: 44.

You were right ahead of James Buchanan, who many feel caused the Civil War.

Kent, can you give a girl some warning next time before you jam it in the back door?

Data gives no warning, ma'am.

Any chance Marjorie and Catherine want to get married?

There you go, first White House lesbian wedding.

That'll get you in the history books.

Oh, God. I can't take that much acoustic guitar.

(GROANS) What we have to do is we have to make Tibet happen.

That's what's gonna be my legacy.

Selina Meyer, the woman who freed Tibet.

Ma'am, we've been in radio silence with the Chinese for the last two weeks.

Well, then why don't we send warships out into the South China Seas?

Sea.

I want my Nobel Peace Prize!

Legacy!

Legacy meeting adjourned.

(PHONE BUZZES)

God, my phone is blowing up with these TV offers.

Think I'm gonna need an agent, you know, someone who can take the Dan Egan brand to the next level.

Too bad Goebbels killed himself.

The only president to pee sitting down since FDR.

Is that gonna be my legacy, Ben? Is it?

Well, I pee sitting down sometimes if it's gonna be a longy.

Okay, we've got to make Tibet happen.

Go through the Qataris, okay?

I bet there are a dozen of them right now at the Georgetown Four Seasons.

Go to a Lamborghini dealership, you know?

Wherever they have prostitutes. These guys could help you.

I'm finished with your brag wall.

All the photos of you with the Washington elite.

Are there any pictures where the president isn't yelling at me?

As far as I can tell, no such picture exists in the known universe.

Oh, also, we got to get some eye candy in here.

You know, hire some hot interns.

Oh, Uncle Jeff sent a bunch of resumes from New Hampshire.

One of them was a phone number on a bar napkin.

No, New Hampshire is just a fancy word for "it's cold outside, so I don't shave my pubes."

I'm writing that down.

Focus on the warm- weather states, okay?

Congressman...

I have a feeling you're gonna do some really great things.

I'm getting kind of hungry. Do you think you could find a lobbyist to take me out to lunch short notice?

Try for Big Pharma. I hear they do The Palm.

Madam President, I'm afraid to tell you that the Chinese are rather nervous about moving forward with Tibet now that you're out of power.

I am not out of power and... at all.

This has not, in fact, been formally announced yet, but I will be continuing on...

Oh.

...as, um... as vice president.

Tom James offered it yesterday.

It's really more of a copresident position.

Wouldn't you agree with that, Ben?

Sure.

And between you and me, Tom James could be healthier, I have to say.

Oh?

Yeah, he's a bit of a, you know...

Well, I suspect this will be of great interest to the Chinese.

Great. Thank you very much. Yes, thank you.

Oh, right, no touchy the ladies.

Oh, no, no. It's fine. It's private.

Just don't let the lunatics back home know.

(LAUGHS)

Selina: All right, come on, Ben, let's go.

Yes, ma'am.

This is gonna suck.

Hang on, I need to make a stop.

Madam President.

Is the vice president in?

No, he's at the Senate for the vote.

Uh-huh.

Okay, I can do this.

Selina Meyer. What a delight.

Tom.

Um, I've got good news.

I have decided to...

No, don't tell me.

You have decided to throw away every last shred of dignity you have and accept my offer of the vice presidency.

I... I guess so, yeah.

I'm delighted to hear it.

Thank you.

I don't want you to worry.

You are not just gonna be any vice president.

You're gonna be a partner...

(CHUCKLING) and a very important part of my administration.

You're a m*therf*cker.

No, I'm serious. I'm serious.

You're gonna be... you know, you're gonna be part of the team.

You're gonna be at every meeting.

Okay.

It's like a shitty Groundhog Day.

(LAUGHS) Your country thanks you.

(PHONE RINGS)

Man: Congressman Ryan's office.

Congressman Ryan's office.

Hello.

Morning, sir.

Morning.

Morning, sir.

Congressman Ryan's office.

Richard, who are these dudes?

Oh, these are the new interns.

What?

That's Colt. He's from UVA. Played lacrosse.

Richard, I told you to get hot interns.

Sir, by any objective standards, Colt, Brady, and Mason are unequivocally hot, not not.

Hot interns means girls. How the f*ck do you not know that?

Excuse me, sir. I made you a latte.

Uh, thank you.

Mmm, oh, my God, this coffee is exceptional.

Thanks.

Can we please keep him?

Yeah, absolutely.

Hey, Colt, welcome to team Ryan.

I want you guys to get used to two things... killing it daily on the Hill and nights rated PG-squirteen.

Baller.

Baller.

Baller.

Baller.

Reporter: We are moments away from the Senate vote for vice president between Senator Tom James and Senator Laura Montez.

And, of course, with the presidency vacant, the winner of this vote will assume the presidency.

Well, President Lu, I'm very glad that we've come to an agreement and I'm exceptionally glad that we're gonna have another four years of working together.

President Lu is particularly happy to work alongside Senator James.

He hears he's quite the statesman.

(PHONE BUZZES)

Statesman-ish, which is a joke, of course.

Ben: Ma'am?

What?

We've got to see what's going on in the Senate right away.

You're kidding.

Forgive me, President Lu, but I'm afraid I have to go and attend to the vote that is happening right now in our Senate.

But feel free to follow along on the television or perhaps on one of the many bugs that you've planted throughout the White House.

Woman: Mr. Lowell.

Senator James.

Jesus Christ. What have we got?

It's tighter than we thought, ma'am. Tom up by two.

What?

Mr. Murray.

Senator Montez.

Kent: Up by one.

Tom, what's going on in here?

I don't know, I...

Senator Montez.

You m*therf*cker!

Amy: Nelson voted against you?

But Nelson is your protégé, man.

Get Nelson on the phone right... this doesn't just happen.

Tom, he voted!

They're going alphabetically. Get somebody after him.

Get Wallace on the phone.

Get Wallace!

I'm hearing something about your "borking" Dunkirk.

Tom: What?

Yeah, on a circuit court nominee.

That was... no. That was 10 years ago.

Someone is trying to f*ck me.

Tom James.

Thank you, Summerlin, you senile old piss sponge.

50-48.

Kent: Tom needs just one more.

Amy: Got all kinds of rumors about vote trading.

Selina: It's not us.

Oh, f*ck. Wallace is going Montez.

She's telling people that you reneged on her Alaskan coast cleanup bill.

That was a handout to Big Oil.

Mrs. Wallace.

Senator Montez.

50-49. This is not Montez. She's getting help.

Mr. Yinui.

Come on, you page-diddling Hawaiian fat f*ck.

Senator Montez.

Kent: That's 50.

Not another tie.

Ben: What now?

Kent: A tie in the Senate is broken by the president of the Senate.

Or what we humans call the vice president.

Oh, my God, perfect. You can vote for yourself. Go, go, go, go.

Ben: Tom's not veep, you butler.

Doyle is vice president.

Being called upon to cast this vote is a pleasure and an honor, not a burden.

There's been enough uncertainty in this country, so I won't stall any further.

Please.

Amy: Come on, just spit it out.

With this in mind, I vote for Senator Laura Montez.

- (CHEERING)

Reporter: It's official.

The United States of America has a new president.

This is a truly stunning turn of events for Laura Montez.

Now you know what it feels like.

I've got a source. Apparently Doyle masterminded the whole thing.

Rumor has it he's getting secretary of state.

Dan: Secretary of state.

God, I hate this country.

I know.

You fuckers.

How dare you?

That magnificent woman counted on you and you losers let her down.

Yeah, I got to call you back. Something amazing is happening.

All you f*cking cared about was your stupid, bad selves.

Your numbers... your numbers are garbage.

Your speeches, garbage.

(LAUGHS) And you're supposed to give her advice?

Is that right? All I heard was dumb, stupid I don't know what the f*ck it was.

Garbage?

Tom: Gary...

Oh, shut up!

You screwed her the worst.

In all the ways.

(LAUGHING) Oh, I know...

I know you make fun of me and I know that you think that I'm funny and I'm funny, ha, ha, ha. Well, at least I cared.

I did my job! I f*cking cared!

Well, that just kind of made this whole year worth it.

Yeah.

Montez: Today is a great day for democracy.

It marks the beginning of a new chapter for America.

You know, the vote we just witnessed sends one very clear message.

Now is the time we put our divisions aside and we move this great nation forward.

I just spoke to my good friend Senator Bill O'Brien and I'm happy to say he's fully endorsing my presidency, so I will be counting on his help...

I need fruit.

...as I guide America out of these turbulent times.

Here she is, baby Ellen.

Yeah, she seems really, really large for a baby.

I was a tall kid when I was three.

In fact, people in the neighborhood thought something was wrong with me 'cause I was the size of a five-year-old.

So what's the reason now, then?

Morning, Madam President. I am back.

Were you gone?

Nevada. Six days.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, it was a really, really amazing visit.

This is Mee-Maw's painting back here and I want to make sure to get this home.

Okay, that's technically Catherine's painting.

Hey.

Hello.

Are you here selling a young adult fiction idea, too?

Mine takes place in an alternate timeline where overweight, alcoholic ex-chiefs of staff are considered a sexual prize.

Alternate timelines are a crutch for lazy sci-fi premises, e.g., "Star Trek" with the exception of "Deep Space Nine."

You should try your hand at romance novels.

I have.

Mmm.

You hear Montez is looking to keep one senior White House staffer?

Probably just a rumor. Wouldn't worry about it.

As is customary, President-Elect Montez and her family will spend tonight at Blair House.

Tomorrow morning at 10:00 A.M., she will join President Meyer for coffee in the Red Room before heading to the inauguration.

Reporter: MSNBC has just learned that President-Elect Montez

plans to nominate Wall Street banker Charlie Baird...

(GROANS)

That seems about right.

...to be her secretary of the treasury.

President Meyer dated the banker briefly late last year.

(RUSTLING, THUDDING)

Oh, hey, Richard.

Oh, Madam President.

Uh, I'm just finishing packing up Congressman Ryan's old office.

I have to do it now because it's the last night before...

Yeah, I know what it's the last night before of.

You know about Colt's birthday dinner?

It's good, isn't it?

It's very, very, very relaxing.

I should have relied on you more, Richard.

I mean, really, seriously, you're one of the good ones.

Oh, well, thank you, Madam President.

I mean, if I had had 100 Richards, who knows what I could have done?

Probably a lot.

Or it could turn out like one of those "Twilight Zone" scenarios where we all murder each other.

I don't even remember how to drive.

I need a wallet.

Probably.

And stamps. I've got to get stamps.

Yeah.

If I was a little girl and you said to me, "What do you want to do?"

I would have said, "Please, can I be president?"

And then it turned out to be the 12 loneliest months of my life.

My auntie used to talk about loneliness like that.

Okay, so, right, you know that.

Yeah, yeah.

We were pretty, pretty close, especially 'cause my mother was so much older.

Old enough to be my grandmother, as a matter of fact.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe my auntie was actually my real mother and my mother was actually my grandmother.

Ah, wow, that's starting to make a whole lot of sense.

Everybody knew about it but me, too.

Are we praying, ma'am?

No, I'm just gonna lie down.

Oh, God.

Oh, I wish I had won.

I wish everybody won.

(GROANS)

Ma'am?

Ma'am?

Ma'am? Okay.

Can you just stay?

Mm-hmm. Absolutely, ma'am.

(KNOCKS)

Gary: Special smoothie for a special lady.

What happened?

I don't know.

Oh, my God, I hope I didn't f*ck Richard.

What?

Okay, you need some help?

No. Ow. Ow.

Okay, Mrs. Montez and her family, they're on their way.

You're gonna greet them at the North Portico doorway.

Mom.

Oh!

Wow!

Have you seen my film? The hard drive is missing.

Honey, look at you.

Yeah, I've been working with this new stylist since I've been doing all this press for the rescue farm.

It's my new look.

Oh.

Mom, you're gonna do something with your hair, right?

Huh?

Oh, God. Look at this.

Okay, you listen to me. Listen to me.

They can take away your presidency, they can take away your power, they can take away your dignity, but what is the one thing that they cannot take away from you?

My beauty.

That's right. Let's go.

- (MEN SHOUTING, THUDDING)

Man: Go back door! Back door!

Put it up!

Oh!

That's it.

You fouled me.

Do you realize the whole goddamn Rayburn House Office Building can hear you and your twink army in here cock scraping each other's esophagi?

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. We were roughhousing.

Jesus, Will, are you looking at what I'm looking at here?

Will, tell him the first rule of hiring male staff.

They must be substantially less attractive than the congressman.

And I almost hired an Iraqi war veteran.

Third degree burns on half of his face, but the guy had personality, so...

Will, tell him why I hired you instead.

Because I'm repulsive both in appearance and manner.

Now let me give you some advice before you're yanked out of here like a cheerleader's unwanted fetus.

You say nothing and you do less.

And take off those f*cking glasses.

You look like Clark Kent if they dug up Christopher Reeve's corpse to play the part.

And as for you ladies, this is DC, not Miami.

Congratulations, Jonah.

Thanks, man.

(WHISPERS) f*ck that guy.

Come on, let's go. Game on. Here we go.

All right, ready?

Alley-oop!

(GRUNTS) My f*cking nuts!

Oh, sh1t, Colt.

Call a doctor and call my mom. (GROANS)

Hey, have you ever used that Truman bowling alley?

No, no, of course not. I worked here.

I didn't go to the White House for a fourth grade birthday party.

Jesus. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. That's...

Amy, hi.

Hey, Candi.

Congratulations. Wow. Montez's new chief of staff.

Ben here is just showing me around.

I am.

You've interviewed here so many times, I'd think that you'd know the place like the back of your hand by now.

Kent Davison.

Mike McLintock.

Any luck with the new job search?

Uh...

Oh, it's all right. I'm back at the "Post," so we're good. Yeah.

This is Debralee, our surrogate.

Hi.

The twins are in there.

In there.

In here.

And this is Ellen, our new big girl. She's three.

Mike, she has the head circumference of a six-year-old.

I'm six.

What did she say?

Here's an interesting fact.

Would you believe that it was called the Red Room before it was actually painted red?

Woman: Oh.

Marwood: I heard that.

Yeah.

What'd it cost to paint this thing back then?

$12.

Yeah, $12. I was thinking right around 15.

I think it was a slave state, so it might have been free.

Men: Oh.

(CLATTER)

Oh, I'm just wondering... boys.

Boys. They're fine.

Selina: No. Okay.

Hell, when my boys were that age, they'd have just torn this place apart.

I have three boys. My entire house smells like an armpit.

Ooh, hate to hear that. See, glad I have girls.

Girls will cost you later.

Mm, girls are the worst.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, I also heard that it might go down into the teens tonight.

Hey, I better get out my fur for the ball tonight, right?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Marwood: Yes, you should.

Well, give me the heat any day.

But then again, I grew up in Mexico.

Marwood: Well, sure, yeah, we know that.

His family is from Jalisco.

Es muy caliente there.

And where exactly in Ohio are you from, Laura?

Um, well, I grew up right outside of Cleveland, but after, you know, 15 years, I feel like I am 100% New Mexican.

New Mexican, but not Mexican?

Of all the White House traditions, this one is probably my favorite.

Is it? Oh.

Yeah.

Damn it. I just had it.

I have this thing every day and now I can't find it.

Okay.

An estimated one million people are anxiously awaiting the arrival of President-Elect Laura Montez.

(CHANTING) Montez! Montez! Montez!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States, Selina Meyer.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(BAND PLAYING)

Greg: President Meyer has taken the stage.

And she's greeting a very attractive stranger.

Greg: That is first daughter Catherine Meyer.

Oh, wow. Too bad.

Greg: The handoff of power has begun.

President-Elect Montez will be sworn in and address the nation as president for the first time.

Why'd you do it, Andrew?

I offered you secretary of state.

You offered it to everybody in town.

Your head is so far up Montez's ass.

Next time it's Alejandro's birthday, he's gonna come all over your face.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

That's the truth.

President Meyer taking a moment to catch up with her vice president and longtime political ally Andrew Doyle.

Those two have a very special relationship.

I, Laura Priscilla Montez, do solemnly swear...

I, Laura Priscilla Montez, do solemnly swear...

...that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States...

...that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States...

...and will to the best of my ability...

...and will to the best of my ability...

...preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.

...preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.

So help me God.

So help me God.

(PURSE THUDS)

Congratulations, Madam President.

(CHEERING)

Gracias.

My fellow citizens, this is the dawn of a new era.

Una epoca nueva.

(CHEERING)

We are interrupting President Montez's speech to bring you breaking news.

On the left side of your screen, you're seeing live footage from Andrews Air Force Base.

We have just learned that mere minutes into her presidency, President Montez has brokered a deal with the Chinese government to free Tibet.

And on board that plane are the so-called baby lamas, Tibetan spiritual leaders who have been freed from decades of Chinese captivity as part of this historic agreement.

This will no doubt put President Montez in line for the Nobel Prize.

Montez: ...all of our problems. We must put our faith...

You're not gonna believe this, but she just freed the lamas.

What?

She brokered with the Chinese to free Tibet.

Thank you. May God bless you and may God bless America.

- (CHEERING)

(BAND PLAYING)

Madam President.

Oh, Senator James.

An historic day for womankind.

What'd you think of the speech?

I had no idea her tits were that big.

So what's next for you?

Well, I've always dreamed of living in a small town, having a little place on Main Street, hanging a shingle out front, and running my own little multibillion-dollar hedge fund.

Uh-huh.

You know, back to basics.

Okay. All right. Well, I'll see you around.

See you around.

See you around.

Madam President.

What?

Nice shoes.

Oh, come on, man.

(LIGHT APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Where's Sue?

I don't know.

Well, I'm not good with good-byes.

Or winning presidential elections.

Well, that's not true.

Yeah, it is.

Okay.

Um...

I don't know what to say.

Was I supposed to write something, ma'am?

Nobody told me.

I thought he was getting a baby.

Yeah, that's not a baby.

Uh, well, we gave America everything we had.

Yeah, sure did.

Inspiring words, ma'am. Godspeed.

Thank you, all of you.

It's...

All right, let's go, girls. Get on the thing.

Ben: Good-bye, ma'am.

Man: Ma'am.

Man #2: Bye.

(APPLAUSE)

Ma'am!

Ma'am, I just want to thank you for everything you did...

Amy, just come with us.

No.

No, no, you should just come.

Okay, but I don't even have my...

Where are they going?

Gosh, from a distance, it looks really beautiful.

Yeah, from a distance.

Can I borrow somebody's phone? I have to check on Buddy.

Oh, did you get a dog?

Buddy's my...

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Ooh, what was that?

Okay.

What the f*ck is that?

Pilot: Small problem with one of the engines, Madam President.

We're gonna have to take her back down.

Oh, Lord.

Hell of a time to run out of gas.

If you could just step away from the aircraft for a bit, we'll call you a motorcade.

Oh, my God.

What am I walking on?

Marjorie: Grass, ma'am.

Mom.

What?

Are you sure you don't know where the hard drive of my film is?

No.

No.

- (BAND PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

What is that sound?

The parade, ma'am.

I think I can walk back from here.

(BAND CONTINUES)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SNIFFLES)

Oh, my God.

Here you go.

Maybe it'll ruin her parade.

That's it from the National Mall. Back to you, Wolf.

Floor manager: And clear.

Nice work, Egan.

Thank you.

I may have a full-time gig for you.

Really?

We've got an opening for someone to cover the state department on the overnight.

Really?

Easy, Cronkite.

Just think of it as morning somewhere. Carrie?

Yes?

(PHONE BUZZES)

Could you give me tomorrow's research, please?

So, what do you say?

I just got an offer from CBS News.

So, Greg, I will say this...

Egan out.

Yeah, I just got your email.

I just want to make sure the job is with CBS, right?

That's Columbia Broadcasting?

Yeah, there's just some minor swelling, Mr. Ryan, but nothing a little ice won't fix.

Excellent. (GROANS)

Hoo. I have tickets to the inaugural ball tonight.

Oh.

Yeah. I'm a congressman.

The second ticket is unclaimed if you're available.

I'm married. I have the ring hiding under the gloves.

No, I saw it.

No. Oh.

Anyway, there is no easy way to say this, but you have a lump on your left testicle.

I just want to biopsy it and we can take it from there.

Take what from where?

Early detection would have prevented this.

We really encourage regular self-exams.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, they're waiting for you in the Roosevelt Room, ma'am.

Thank you, Sue.

Of course.

Selina, good news. We found the missing Nevada ballots.

You won.