01x07 - The Interrogation

[bunniefuu]

I love a good remake, but did we really need a black version of "Pride & Prejudice"?

Yeah. You know, it was mainly just prejudice.

[Chuckles]

You know what?

I just think they need to knock it off with all the remakes, don't you?

Leave well enough alone.

[Exhales sharply]

[Chuckles]

♪

[Door opens]

[Door opens]

[Door opens]

Oh.

What the hell?!

Uh, how was the movie?

[Fire roaring]

♪

Alexis: We were only gone for two hours, and that included a stop at Pinkberry.

I want to know who broke my damn window.

So, I'm gonna be straight up with y'all.

No reason to b*at around the bush.

I don't have a damn clue.

That's all right, because one thing I can count on is somebody dropping the dime.

So let the finger-pointing begin now.

And... now.

Whoa. Really? Come on, Tia.

I honestly have no idea.

Me neither.

Yeah, it's just one of them mysteries, like taxes.

Or like, what does the Tooth Fairy do with all the teeth she takes?

And when her teeth fall out, like, who takes them?

Is there a smaller fairy?

Like, help a sister out! Come on! Say something!

Uh, she had a little bit too much sugar today.

Okay, everybody go to your room.

Oh...

This isn't over.

So, y'all want to order a couple calzones to hash things out?

Buck, can you give us a minute?

Well, before y'all make up your mind, just remember, watch your little feet, 'cause there's a lot of glass around here.

[Glass crunches]

What the heck was that all about?

I know.

Normally, these kids rat on each other with very little prompting.

Well, whatever it is, we're gonna have to figure it out.

Yeah. Like an episode of "Law & Order."

Bing, bong!

What was that?

Sound from the show. Bing, bong!

No, it wasn't. That was the sound of a broken doorbell.

I designed this house. I love every part of it.

These windows are like my children.

You have real children.

And look what they've done.

Look what they've done.

Honey, we'll figure it out.

[Sighs] You're right.

So, who do we question first... the sitter or the snitch?

[Laughs] The snitch.

["Law & Order" clang plays]

Why'd you bring me in first?

Well, you're our favorite.

Don't tell the others.

[Laughs]

And, also, we thought we may have put you on the spot in front of the people who probably actually did it.

So you can speak freely. It's just us now, The I.Q. Crew.

Kombucha?

Don't mind if I do.

But I already told you, I don't know what happened.

Uh, then, tell us what you do know.

Well, Uncle Buck was making us lunch, if that's what you want to call it.

Tia: I was reading Joan Didion's essay on California and taking notes in the margin when...

Hey, hey, hey! Who wants lunch?

Pop, pop, shazam!

I do. Ooh, ooh! Check it.

Will: "Pop, pop, shazam"?

You make Buck sound like he's in an '80s sitcom.

That's how he sounds to me.

Alexis: Yeah. Me too. Anyway, go on.

Whoo!

[Laughs]

Hey, where's Maizy.

I'm here!

♪

Maizy, why are you wearing a bee costume?

Who cares? I'm cute.

Ah.

[Laughs]

So, what y'all hungry for?

Ice cream!

[Laughs] Corn dogs and pizza.

Well, I think we should probably eat something healthy.

Childhood obesity is an epidemic.

So smart, sis.

You're my idol.

Insert Fat Marcus story. [Laughs]

How about we steam some vegetables?

I have some baby bok choy in there I've been saving for a special occasion.

Oh, we can do that.

Or you can pick a number from 1 to 3.

Uh, 2?

1, 2.

Okay. Here we go. [Laughs]

Look, check it out.

In the hood, we call it refrigerator roulette.

Pop, pop, shazam!

I call the capers.

And I'll get Pepper's ear medicine.

Hang on a minute, Tia.

So Buck feeds you by pulling random shelves out of the fridge?

No, but he doesn't put a lot of thought into it.

I mean, he made Maizy a syrup sandwich.

Come on, Tia!

Actually, Buck does love a syrup sandwich.

I do, too. It's a hood thing.

I see y'all on that real cul-de-sac diet.

Where I come from, they didn't have cul-de-sacs.

We had dead ends.

We had to get creative.

This is so good.

Ain't it, man?! Just call me Wolfgang Buck.

Pop, pop, shazam!

[Chuckling] He said Wolfgang Buck.

On point as always, my man.

Ooh, ooh! Check it! [Chuckles]

Here, Tia. Have a bite.

No, thanks. That's just high-fructose corn syrup.

Yeah, corn is a vegetable.

[Chuckles] Ain't it, man?

[Chuckles]

Oh! Oh!

Ooh.

[Laughter]

They all thought it was hilarious, but I didn't.

Pepper was humiliated, so I took him upstairs to give him a bath.

Wow. You gave Pepper a bath. He hates baths.

He bit me last time. Punctured my Polo.

That close to losing a nipple.

Well, I have a special connection with Pepper.

I won't say "spirit animal," but we're close like that.

♪

Calm yourself. I know.

[Whimpering] The others are so crass.

But if you ask me, they're the animals.

[Barks]

[Screams]

And that's when I saw Buck and Miles and their little project.

[Whirring]

Ooh! A button. I love buttons.

[Motor shuts off]

Hey, hey, Maizy.

Don't touch that. That's dangerous.

Now, go wash your hands. You're getting syrup everywhere.

Please, Mr. Buck. For you, this is a joke.

For me, it is my livelihood.

[Clears throat] Gentlemen, as you know, I've always supported your creativity, but playing with the wood chipper seems, at best, ill-advised.

That's how we do. Pop, pop, shazam!

[Laughs]

Okay, what does that even mean?

Uh, if you have to ask, you can't afford it.

Also nonsensical.

You know, Mark Twain once said, "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

Dang, she schooled us again.

Yeah, we'll never b*at her in a w*r of words.

She's too verbally, uh, uh... What's the word?

Adept.

That's it! Pop, pop, shazam!

Let's do it again!

♪

Okay, that's enough.

So it was Miles and Buck on the pool deck with the wood chipper.

Easiest game of "Clue" ever.

That's not what I said. I didn't see it happen.

After that, I took a shower.

When I got out, I was looking for my blow dryer.

That's when I heard a crash, and then you two came home.

[Gasps] Maybe you guys did it.

Ha ha.

You can go, but don't leave the area.

[Door opens, closes]

Oh, my God. I think she's lying to us.

Not Tia.

Remember she signed that integrity pledge when she was 5?

Yeah, she wrote it herself.

But I'm still catching the unmistakable odor of a cover-up.

Yeah, and I think we both know who the mastermind is.

So why don't we just go on and cut to the chase and bring in the sitter?

Cling, clang.

Just say it. You've never seen "Law & Order."

["Law & Order" clang plays]

Thanks for coming in.

I know my rights.

I get one phone call, an attorney, and some of that nasty-ass coffee in the vending machine.

You're not under arrest, Buck.

Oh, well, cool. [Chuckles]

I'll just go down to Costco's and get me a pack of jeans and some free samples.

Listen, we're not accusing you of anything.

We just need to know what happened.

Okay, well, we were about to go get lunch.

Don't you lie to me, Buck!

What were you doing in there?

I was playing good cop, bad cop.

He won't respond to that. All cops are bad to Buck.

But don't worry. I know just how to get inside his head.

[Door closes]

Tia told us everything.

Who did it? 'Cause I'm dying to know.

Damn it. He's too good.

It's like he's playing chess, and I'm playing checkers.

Okay, honey, take a break.

Buck, start from the beginning.

What happened?

Like I was saying, I was fixing lunch.

Children, lunch!

Hey, Uncle Buck.

We love you.

Aww.

Your splendiferousness is the very apex of perfectionism.

She actually said that?

Yeah, you hear how she talk.

The girl uses a dictionary for a pillow.

Listen, my darlings.

Every child is a unique snowflake.

And because I knew that, I fixed your favorites.

Oh, awesome! Pizza and corn dogs!

Ice cream!

And disgusting kale that I pretend to like!

Your gastronomical technique is both sagacious and pituitary. [Snorting]

Come on, Buck. That's just gibberish.

Buck: Yeah, who you telling?

[Snorting]

You kids are so lucky to have so many food choices.

Back in the day, we had to improvise.

Oh, great. A hood tale.

I love hood tales.

All: Hood tales! Hood tales! Hood tales! Hood tales!

There once was a lady that lived in a shoe.

She had so many baby daddies she didn't know what to do.

[Laughter]

You know, maybe you could run those hood tales by us in the future.

Yeah, yeah, a little heads-up on the baby daddies, bro.

So I'm assuming this is the part where you make Maizy the syrup sandwich and it falls on the dog?

Maybe.

Well, cut to the chase. What happened after that?

Miles had a problem, so I did what I do.

Which was break the window. Come on, Buck.

Just say it so we can all go home.

I am home.

We'll see about that.

Great lunch, Uncle Buck. I wish my grades were that good.

What's going on, little man?

I'm flunking science.

They said I could get extra credit if I come up with an experiment that demonstrates global warming, but I can't think of one.

Oh, easy. We'll just make a glacier.

How?

By putting ice in the blender, then put it in the oven, and raise the temperature until it melts.

That's global warming.

Oh, great idea, Uncle Buck.

How do you manage to take care of us so well and stay so cool?

Easy. I put your needs first, and I make sure my Jordans are fresh.

Hey, everybody!

Together: Hi, Hector the gardener.

I was trimming the trees, and I overheard about Miles' extra-credit project.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but a bigger glacier means a bigger score, no?

It makes sense.

I have an idea!

So the wood chipper was Hector's idea?

Let's call it a collaboration.

[Ding!]

Hector was definitely in the loop.

So we take some bags of ice and put them into the wood chipper to make a giant glacier for Mr. Miles' experiment.

Do we need a giant oven, too?

[Chuckles] No, sticky little bee.

The sun will be our oven.

Now, Hector, are you sure this is safe?

As I always say all the time, safety is the most important thing when kids are around.

♪

Why so cautious, Mr. Buck? Life is for the living.

All right, man. Let's make a big-ass ice glacier, then.

[Laughs]

The bee! She dances in winter.

It is unnatural.

Hey, Maizy, don't touch that. That's dangerous.

And go wash your hands. You're getting syrup everywhere.

[Pepper whimpers]

[Clears throat] Guys, I fear this activity will result in glamtopolous and ramitunctious fetter wetter.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Wait a minute.

Did Tia have a stroke?

Okay, never mind. Buck, what were you thinking?

That I was trying to make education fun for your son, who, like me, has focus issues.

So you mean to tell me nothing went wrong with that wood chipper?

No, Detective, because the wood chipper broke before the window did.

The window didn't break itself, Buck.

So you assume I did it? [Chuckles] Real nice.

Thought you'd know by now that I wouldn't put your home or your kids at risk.

Look, if you're not gonna charge me, I'll be on my way.

♪

[Door opens, closes]

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

So Buck's telling the truth and Tia's lying?

This is weird.

You know what?

I actually do believe him.

I do, too.

Here's something weirder.

Our only sh*t at finding out the truth is with Miles.

I didn't see that coming.

I'll go get him.

I, too, have a story to tell.

["Law & Order" clang plays]

Huh. Didn't see that coming, either.

[Clears throat]

[Melodramatic music plays]

Mi amor... you chip the wood... that makes the mulch... that makes the flowers grow.

Thank you, John Deere.

Buck: [Hispanic accent] Hector!

Bring me the wood chipper now, my friend.

[Hispanic accent] Be smart, Hector.

You know how this ends.

Please, Don Buck. You don't have to do this.

Until now, she only tasted wood.

Now she's going to taste the ice.

No!

Buck: Ohh!

[Hispanic accent] You're scaring Jalapeño Pepper!

[Hispanic accent] v*olence solves nothing, Tío Buck.

[Dramatic music plays]

[Pepper barks]

Hector, thank you. That was enlightening.

I swear it's all true, even the dancing bee.

Yeah. We'll be in touch.

Okay.

[Door closes]

Well, that was both Spanish and irrelevant.

All right, it's time for Miles.

Probably where we should have started.

Yeah.

Whatever this cover-up is, that boy's the weak link.

He think he got game, but he's always tripping over his own lies.

Yeah, let's bring in the repeat offender.

["Law & Order" clang plays]

Uh, look, guys, I don't want any trouble.

I've got priors.

We're familiar with your work. Now start talking.

I'm gonna. I'm gonna.

I'm just gonna tell you everything that went down exactly as it happened.

Yo, Miles! Lunch!

[Hip-hop music plays]

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪

[Whimpers]

♪ Hey ♪

I hate to admit it, Miles, but you're cool as hell.

And I love to admit it, Tia. You are not.

[Laughs]

You got her, brother.

You totally did.

I did. I did.

So in your mind, you're the rapper Big Sean.

Miles: We have a lot of similarities.

Just skip to the wood-chipper part.

You got it.

[Cellphone vibrating]

♪ Hey Damn, Miles, all them girls blowing up your phone.

Ain't you gonna hit 'em up?

Man, they all up in their feelings.

I got to keep my head in this. I'm flunking science.

Oh. - I can get extra credit if I do an experiment that demonstrates global warming, but I can't think of one right now.

I got an idea.

Let's take a break and build a big-ass snow cone.

Sound good to you, little man?

That's what's up.

Cool, 'cause I just happen to have two jugs of slightly expired snow-cone syrup that I bought from a dude outside the liquor store.

So you weren't working on a school project.

You were making a giant snow cone.

Yes. I mean... I mean, no.

I mean...

Can I have some water, Mommy?

No.

Look, Uncle Buck came up with the idea of a glacier, but we both instantly realized that we could also have a giant snow cone.

I mean, it was a two-for-one. You can understand that, right?

And then you broke Hector's wood chipper.

No, no, no, no, no. Um, it just jammed. That's all.

But we came up with a solution.

[Motor sputters, stops]

Oh, man, that ain't enough for a giant snow cone.

Hector, what's wrong with this ratchet-ass wood chipper?

What's wrong with the wood chipper?

It's broken because it's a wood chipper, not an ice chipper.

Don't worry. The gears are just frozen.

Wait a minute, guys.

I'm remembering something from science class.

What?

Doesn't heat melt ice?

Oh, man.

You know what? I think Miles is right.

I got an idea.

[Water running]

Woman: Welcome to "Iris Out," a podcast featuring feminist cinema.

Let's talk lady film.

A podcast in the shower?

You might as well read a book in there?

That is so weak.

[Blow dryer whirring]

I say we let science work its magic, fellas.

In the meantime, I guess I will just chip your very prickly bushes by hand.

All right, Hector.

Well, it looks like it's enough snow for regular-sized snow cones.

Where's that syrup you was talking about, Uncle Buck?

Buck: Man, I...

Ahh!

I don't know why you need the ice.

It tastes better straight.

See, that's one of them moments where I wish I would have watched you a little closer.

I'm cutting you off. Give me that.

Good thinking.

My heart was going real fast, and then it got real slow.

Maybe I'll go take a nap.

Maizy...

You know what would take this to the next level?

What?

I got a little Kahlúa. It's in my nightstand.

Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah, let... No, not you.

Yeah, you cool as hell, but you just a kid.

Whatever. I got to pee-pee, anyway.

And then I heard the crash.

Go on.

That's it.

What do you mean, "That's it"?

I don't know any more.

[Scoffs]

Miles, I don't know how much he's paying you, but we'll double it.

No, we won't. What?

You're excused.

[Sighs]

[Door opens, closes]

This is a hell of a conspiracy.

The Illuminati would be impressed.

Wait a minute. There's one person we didn't ask.

Miles isn't the missing link.

The missing link is the sugar junkie.

She's tweaking on syrup right now. Easy pickings.

["Law & Order" clang plays]

You feeling better, honey?

I'm coming down, but I still feel a little loopy.

Well, while your judgment's still impaired, can you please tell us who broke the window?

Sure. I know exactly who did it.

Ahh!

[Twinkle!]

[Buck's voice] Hey, Maizy! Give me a pour!

Sure, Captain Magic Horn!

[Glug! Glug! Glug!]

[Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!]

Damn, girl. That's too sweet.

[Sparkle!]

[Crash!]

[Burps] My bad. I'm out.

[Rattle! Zoom!]

Wait! Don't leave me here!

I want to come to Unicornia!

[Groans]

And Captain Magic Horn poops jelly beans, too.

Um, sweetie, maybe you should go downstairs and help your brother and sister clean up.

Yeah, you shouldn't be lying down.

[Grunts]

♪

Do you really think it's possible this was a freak accident and they really don't know what happened?

No way, but they're sticking to their story.

I think we have Buck to thank for that.

You're right. Maybe we should.

Thank him? I was being sarcastic.

I know, but think about it, baby.

Before he moved in, this place was a w*r zone.

The kids fought all the time.

And in terms of selling each other out, they were pros.

[Sighs] That was not a fun time.

But look at them now. They're like a little unit.

You know, when you put it that way, it is weirdly impressive.

Exactly. That's how brothers and sisters are supposed to be.

I'm not happy that the window got broken, but at the end of the day, maybe it's not such a bad thing.

Though they did start a small fire.

I know, baby. Just... let the moment breathe.

[Sighs]

You missed some glass, kids.

Really?

Shouldn't the person who made the mess be cleaning it up?

What you talking about? I didn't do it.

Come on, man.

I didn't do it!

Well, we all assumed you did.

So we're all covering for you so you didn't get in trouble.

Or go back to jail.

You know, in spite of that comment, thanks, kids.

That really means a lot.

Then I wonder what happened.

♪

[Sniffing]

[Wood chipper whirring, paws tapping]

[Motor starts, Pepper whimpers]

[Electricity crackles]

I guess some mysteries will never be solved, like why Kahlúa go with everything.

[Chuckles]

This is orange juice, and it kind of works.

Seriously?

[Grunting] Mmm!

[Whimpers]

[Pepper grumbling]

Got you, you little, dirty mutt!

See, I knew you broke that window.

You got everybody around here fooled, but I know what you are, and now they will, too.

Game over, little bitch!

[Whimpers] Come back here!

This is your last meal!

Ohh! Ohh!

♪

He... He...

That little...

The proof is...

Oh, forget it. I did it.

[Pepper barks]

This ain't over.

[Whimpers]

And is that my camera?!