01x06 - The Phantom

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Wrecked"...

I can't stay in the same place with the same people...

I'm gonna chart the island.

Great idea. I'll come with.

I think I'm gonna go by myself on this one.

I think we need an election.

The new leader of the island is...

Steve!

[Laughs]

Really?!

Jess: Todd stole the camp's stuff.

What if we dug a giant pit?

We can throw Todd in there until he gives us all of our stuff back.

Throw him in the pit!

[Thud]

[Cheering]

Oh, God!

All the hard work you've been doing for all these years is gone.

[Screaming]

Pack, the beach is that way!

Hello!

Anybody!

[Screaming]

I gave you your stupid stuff back!

Now get me out of here, you g*dd*mn animals!

[Panting]

What happens if it rains?!

I'll drown!

Or maybe I can swim my way out.

Oh, yeah. Come on, rain.

Come on, rain!

Hey, Todd. I got your food.

Come on. Hey, Chumba!

Chumba, man, hey, listen, you got to get me out of here.

There's, uh [Chuckles]

There's something down here.

What is it?

I don't know.

I don't know, Chumba, but it's weird.

It's so weird.

Here, come down here so you can see for yourself.

Is your plan to get me down there so you can hold me hostage?

No.

I'm not going down there, Todd.

[Bleep] you, Chumba! You rat!

I'll rip your heart out. Oh, God!

Here's your food.

No.

[Thud]

Goodbye, Todd.

No! No, Chumba!

Hey, hey! Chumba, wait!

I thought we were bros, dude!

Oh, Chumba, let me out of here!

Oh, Chumba!

♪

Dad?

Hey, there he is! Big O!

Oh, sh*t!

Was that today?

I'm sorry, dude, I had this...

Where are you going?

Well, uh...

I got to jet off for a while.

Why?

Well, your mom and me, we're having some issues.

Let me see if I can explain it in terms you can understand.

Sometimes in the, uh, pageant of love, there can be more than one winner, like your mom and her friend Linda and sometimes Linda's sister, Stacey.

The point is, your mom doesn't want to share the crown.

So I got to move out.

Are you coming back?

Owen, can I give you a little bit of advice?

Don't ever stay in one place for too long.

You just end up getting hurt.

It's best to just... fsht! Keep on moving.

Moving is living.

That and crank one out once a day.

Keeps you loose, sharp.

You got that, buddy?

Moving is living.

And don't forget to crank one out!

Oh.

[Grunting]

♪

Steve: Hello, everyone.

Welcome to the third island meeting under me, your new prime mini-Steve.

[Light laughter]

All right, well, lots to discuss today.

But first up, some exciting news.

Nigel, quite a good rummager, going through the wreckage, found a flare g*n.

Yeah!

Kudos to you, Nigel.

It'll come in handy.

Now, today, I'd like to discuss new shelters.

I think it's about time we started building more permanent structures.

Look!

Owen's back! And I think he's got something!

Oh, wait, guys! Hang on.

I haven't finished talking about the structures and... footpaths.

Hey. I found this on the other side of the island.

Nice!

Yeah.

What were you doing over there?

What do you mean? I was just walking around.

I was just... It washed up on the beach.

And I was just walking around. Why, what, huh?

"Cowboy Pants Truck Time."

Yeah.

That's nice, Owen.

Don't you guys see what this is?

A super-confusing Chinese jeans ad?

Guys, it's a sail.

Yeah?

This is our way home.

♪

[Whimpering] So hungry.

I'm so hungry.

[Panting]

Ugh! [Spits]

Oh!

What the hell?

What happened?

Ooh!

Food!

Food! [Panting]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[Can clatters]

[Crying] I'm gonna die here.

With two gross dudes.

[Whimpers]

Owen, how's the tarp going?

Good. Good. I think, you know, we just got to build a boat.

I was thinking instead of a boat, we could use the tarp for shelter.

What?

Shelter, it's... It's just basically...

It means like a covering to keep you...

Yeah, I understand what shelter is, Steve.

I just... I don't understand why.

Oh, just 'cause it's always raining here.

You know, it would be nice to have somewhere dry to hide, get some sort of livable space.

Well, how about when you find a tarp, you can make it livable.

But I found this tarp, so I'm gonna sail home.

Yeah?

[Birds squawking]

Well, the thing is, I-I'm kind of in charge now.

So...

Wait, was that not a joke? [Chuckles]

When Diane said that they elected you to be the boss, I thought that was a big joke.

Is that real?

That's real.

It was a landslide victory.

[Laughing] Holy moly!

Whoa! That is hilarious!

Steve!

I had a good laugh, too.

Yeah.

I mean, I was, "Me?!"

You know?

I know, you?!

Yeah.

Not you.

Yes, turns out, I'm the guy.

Come on.

So what I'm gonna do is now just confiscate this from you.

Okay, Steve, how about this, man?

How about we go ahead and we ask your island what they want to do with the tarp?

Seriously, nobody else wants to use the tarp as a sail?

Just us three? Really?

Guys, we have to at least make an attempt.

Moving is living, right?

Florence, don't you want to get out of here?

Of course I do, but sailing into that ocean is su1c1de.

Besides, now we've got a flare g*n.

I mean, we could get rescued here.

That's the ultimate plan, surely!

In the meantime, we can use the tarp for shelter.

It would be nice to have someplace dry.

You know, more livable.

Oh, my God.

Okay, well, who votes we use the "Truck Time" tarp for shelter until we come up with a better solution for rescuing?

Seriously?

Well, there it is, then.

[Chuckles]

I might even add quite a landslide.

I hope you all feel real good about yourselves, making a grown man go crazy!

[Twig snaps, rustling]

Who's there?!

[Screaming]

Jess, you okay?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine. It's just stupid Todd and stuff.

Maybe I should just go check on him, make sure he's okay.

Uh, no. You do not go see your ex after a breakup, okay?

Trust me.

Besides, you are way too good for him!

What? I don't know.

Oh, my God!

You are the hottest ever, and he's like a two, max.

Oh, my God.

You're like Kate Winslet in "Titanic."

You don't want to be chained to some douchebag fiancé.

You want to be getting it on, dancing a jig to some fiddle music with some immigrants, steaming up the windows.

You want to do all that.

You don't want to be locked up to some ball and chain.

Todd's like that actor who played the fiancé.

What's that guy's name?

I-I don't know.

Oh, my God! What is his name? I don't know.

He's got those eyebrows.

Ow.

Danny?

Yeah?!

What is the name of the guy who played Kate Winslet's fiancé in "Titanic"?

Uh...

With the eyebrows.

It's not Josh Brolin, but it's like Josh Brolin.

Nothing like Josh Brolin.

No, what's his name?

Idiot.

Josh Hartnett.

He's got brows!

No, it's not.

No.

Very wrong.

Eric Stoltz?

Absolutely not!

Matthew Modine. Matthew Fox!

Oh, my God, you're so worthless!

It doesn't matter. Never mind.

It does matter, because I know I know it.

Don't know his name. Idiot.

It's fine.

Not Stoltz?

Anyways, you have got to release your inner Winslet.

Mmm.

Okay, and I'm talking about rebound sex.

Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no.

I do not think I can do that.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

No. No, no, no.

[Laughs]

Some guys are like [Imitating machine-g*n fire]

Uh... Oh! Oh!

Pa-pow! [Laughs]

No, no, no, no.

[Todd screaming]

Somebody!

[Oinking]

A wild animal fell in here. I'm not kidding this time!

Somebody come get it! Oh, my God!

All right, fine! I'll deal with it.

[Pig oinking]

Okay. Okay, Todd.

Okay, Todd, you're a badass, Todd.

Do it! Do it!

[Whimpering]

Get ready to die!

[Screaming]

[Pig squealing]

This is k*lling me.

Yeah, I know. I found that tarp.

What?!

I should be able to do with my tarp whatever I want.

He finds a tarp, he can do whatever he wants.

He can build a shelter with his own tarp.

I respect tarps. That's not a problem for me.

I'm just trying to get people off the island.

I'm trying to figure out who played Kate Winslet's fiancé in "Titanic."

Who cares?

Like half the island.

None of us can remember his name.

I mean, back home, we would know in, like, two seconds.

I'm sorry.

I can't work until I figure this out.

I'm going to ask somebody else.

All right. Team, let's get together!

Let's figure this out right now!

The ship is going down. He's a real d*ck.

Oh, who was that actor, right, guys?!

Oh, I can't even think about building this shelter till we figure this out.

If only we were back home!

Eric Roberts?

James Marsden.

Oh, one of the Dillons.

No, no, and no!

Oh, wait. Is he the guy from "The Mummy"?

You know, the guy that plays the mummy.

You mean Arnold Vosloo?

Yeah.

Are we serious, Pablo?!

Why don't you get the [bleep] out of here, okay?!

Why don't you go take a walk and start using your brain on that walk and come back when you have some ideas!

Is this really happening? [Chuckles]

I just wish I had my phone, you know?

God damn it!

Right?

sh*t!

I feel like the only way we're gonna get this guy's name is if we stop waiting around for something to happen and actually do something ourselves, you know?

Right? Yeah, okay.

I'm gonna go start working on my boat because something tells me these people are gonna want to get off this island sooner rather than later.

And that tarp is as good as mine.

Yeah, sure. Whatever, man.

Billy Crudup. Huh? No?

Damn it!

What's all this?

Why have you stopped working?

We're trying to figure out who played the fiancé in "Titanic."

It's extremely important.

Is it? Come on, Owen.

Sounds a bit silly.

Silly? Sounds a bit silly?

Okay, if we as an island cannot remember the name of one of the world's finest actors, what are we gonna forget next, huh?

Music? What beauty is?

Huh? Harry Potter?!

No!

No!

Great series.

Yeah.

Guys, back home, we were living in the golden age of information.

Here, we are one step away from living like apes!

Like apes!

Soon, we're probably gonna be hucking our poop at each other, jerking off out in the open.

This guy already did once, I think.

Do you want to Huck your own poop at people, Diane?

No!

You want to Huck poop!

No!

Is that what you want, Diane?!

No!

I didn't think so!

This is not about just the name of an actor.

This is about our humanity.

Right, guys? Who's with me?!

[Cheering]

Come on!

That's right!

Yeah!

Yes! I'm with you!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Anthony Edwards?

Buddy?

[Gasps]

You ain't looking too good.

You're alive?

Who, me? [Grunts]

Oh. Oh, hell no.

I'm deader than a doorknob.

So is my old buddy Jerry here.

How you doing?

[Screams] How the sh*t are you talking right now?

Well, my guess, and I am speaking from some experience, is that you are in the final hallucinating stage of starvation.

Oh, yeah. Your little body's shutting down.

Is that how you guys d*ed?

Oh, no, no, unh-unh. I took him out.

Oh, bullshit! I got you first.

I got you with a choke hold.

Oh! Eat stick!

Yeah, find out who's getting...

Hey! Hey!

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop fighting! Stop fighting!

Agree to disagree!

How did this happen?

Well, after the crash, we landed out here.

Food ran out about five days ago, and things went bad fast.

I'm never gonna let this country jackass make a meal out of me.

Jackass?!

Oh, gross!

How could you guys even think about eating a person?!

I hate to break it to you, pal, but you're thinking about it right now.

No, no. No, no, I'm not!

No, I'm not.

Whoa.

Man, just think of us for what we really are...

Two piles of meat!

Mmm!

No.

Finger-licking.

No.

No.

All you can eat.

No.

The buffet is open.

[Oinking]

What?

You hungry?

Well, sucks for you.

Should have brought something to eat, shouldn't you have?

[Sighs] All right.

These are Cheez-Its. They're precious.

It's my last bag.

[Oinking]

Good sh*t, right?

I'm gonna name you Meat.

All right, Owen. The was quite the prank.

Well done.

I think this should end now, though.

I want everyone to get back to the shelter.

What's the matter, Steve, huh?

You worried that if people don't find this place livable, they might want to give me the tarp?

Owen, do you know the name of that actor?

Well, maybe I do and maybe I don't.

Well, if you won't end it, I will.

Okay, well, unless you know the name, I'd like to see you try.

I know the name.

How does Stanley Tucci sound?

Yeah, that's not even close.

Oh! God damn it!

Sure it was Tucci.

He's been in so many g*dd*mn things.

All the faces look the same.

[Gasps] I got it!

[Crowd gasps]

I got it.

I know the name!

Rupert Everett!

We already said Rupert Everett, Pablo!

Oh!

[Screams]

What's wrong with you?!

[Growls]

I can't remember!

None of us can remember, Diane!

No, I mean I can't remember what my dog smells like!

[Crying] Oh, God.

Dear God, it's begun.

[Sobbing]

What is beauty?

Oh, look at us.

It's a real shame, isn't it?

You know, I just wish Owen would tell us what the name is already.

Owen knows the name?

Yeah.

Yep.

Let's get him!

Diane: Owen!

Tell us the name of the actor who played the fiancé from "Titanic" or we'll rip your head off!

Owen, I told them you didn't know.

Oh, God!

He knows!

He's just keeping it from us to get back at Steve for taking his stupid tarp.

Hey, hey, I don't know the name, I swear.

If he won't tell us the name, we'll tear his boat apart.

Let's go!

Hey, wait, wait! Wait!

Okay, this is exactly why we shouldn't be here.

Guys, we cannot live like this!

This is the reason that we should take this boat and we should leave the island.

Tear his boat apart!

Yeah!

No, no, no! Hey, no!

No!

[Dramatic music playing]

Oh, everyone!

Look at what Owen has done to us.

Shame on him for causing this.

But shame on us.

We've stooped just as low.

But he won't tell us the name!

We have to know the name!

Well, there's another way.

What way?

We try and stop remembering.

We busy our minds with building the shelter.

We just let the answer come to us.

What if it doesn't work?

Then we're coming for Owen.

You see, the thing about monogamy is nature doesn't wire us that way.

[Oinks]

Exactly!

You know what I mean?

Guy like this, a lot of options.

[Twig snaps]

What the hell?

Meat, stay back.

[Squeals]

All right, listen, we're gonna keep you out of sight, all right?

'Cause if they knew you were down here... [Oinking] they'd eat you.

[Squeals]

And you don't want to be eaten, do you?

No, you don't.

You don't want to be eaten.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Who's it gonna be, man?

Shut up.

I kind of cut Gary open a little bit.

Probably dig in there, get some good rib meat.

Shut up!

You don't want me, man.

I'm all dry inside.

But look at this thick... Oh... juicy rump on Jerry.

I'm gonna tell you what, if I had my choice, that's exactly where I'd sink my chompers.

This?

That.

Yeah, you do not want any of this.

I haven't worked out in years.

This is like a can of uncooked biscuits.

That is some grade-A, 100% flank steak.

Put a little bitty pat of butter on that.

Shut up!

I don't care if I'm starving or going insane.

I am not eating a person.

That's a bridge you can't uncross.

Okay, so just... Aah!

[Stomach rumbling]

Yo, Gary.

Uh-oh.

I don't even think this dude wants to live.

He doesn't.

Of course I want to live.

Then give yourself a chance, man.

Here. [Grunting]

This is the jungle, Pack.

It is k*ll or be k*lled.

Eat or be eaten.

No, no, no!

Don't you want to survive?

I want to survive.

Cross that bridge.

You hear that sound?

That's your mama's dinner bell ringing.

Ding, ding. Ding, ding.

My mama doesn't have a dinner bell.

Well, would you look at this shelter?!

[Applause]

And the tarp fits perfectly!

See, we could make a life here.

That's what's important.

He's right.

I mean, look at what we've built.

Who cares about what's his name?

Steve, Steve!

[All chanting "Steve"]

That's the spirit.

[Thunder rumbles]

Oh!

Come on, everyone. Get inside!

You okay, man?

♪