01x07 - The Trial

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Wrecked"...

You have got to have ♪ rebound sex. ♪

I am not eating a person!

This is the jungle, Pack. It is...

Eat or be eaten.

Don't you guys see what this is? It's a sail.

This is our way home.

I was thinking, instead of a boat, we could use the tarp for shelter.

How about we go ahead and we ask your island what they want to do with the tarp? Yeah?

Well, would you look at this shelter?!

[Applause]

And the tarp fits perfectly!

See, we could make a life here.

[All chanting "Steve"]

[Insects chirping]

[Grunting]

[Screaming in distance]

What was that?

Owen.

Owen, there's something in the jungle, man. Wake up.

Danny, it's an old jungle. It's probably just settling.

[Screeching]

What was that?

Something's hurt out there.

We got to help.

Hey, hey, no, no!

Hey, no.

Owen, I swore to serve and protect.

Danny, you didn't swear anything.

You're not a real cop.

Irregardless.

That's not a real word.

Irregardless...

[Screaming]

What if that was you out there?

Then I'd be dead.

We're going out.

Danny, no, we are not going out there, okay?

No. Never. Not in a million years.

Not if you paid me a million dollars!

Do you know how to use that?

The sex whip?

[Sarcastically] Oh, yeah. I'm deadly with a sex whip.

Just keep your eyes open. Is the safety off?

Yeah, of course the safety's off.

[Screaming]

Did you hear that?

[Screaming continues]

Man: I'm gonna k*ll you!

[Screams]

[g*nsh*t]

[Gasps]

Oh, wow. You sh*t Pack.

Wow.

To think he was out there, only to come home and get sh*t by Danny and Owen.

Do you believe Danny about what happened?

Hmm. I don't know.

They always seem to be in the middle of our problems, don't they?

We threw Todd in a pit for a lot less than sh**ting a man.

♪

Exactly. What if you'd been sh*t?

I don't know what we would have done then.

What do you mean?

Well, with your hunting and know-how, you're invaluable, Karen.

You know, I think of you as my vice president.

Vice president?

You want me to be your vice president?

Yeah.

Karen, what's... what's wrong with your eyes?

Those are the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.

Okay.

Well, it's all true.

Yep.

[Sighs]

Now we just need to work out what to do with Danny.

He needs to be punished, but if I do it, I'm afraid people will think I'm just trying to get back at Owen.

Oh, if only someone else could do it.

Hey, wait. I could do it.

Yes!

No one would ever know it came from you 'cause I'd do it.

It just comes right...

Talk about thinking on your feet.

[Chuckles]

You are a VP, aren't you?

Oh, hello.

Uh, Steve, can I talk to you for a moment, privately?

Right.

Karen.

Vice president.

Man, I feel so sorry for Pack.

Oh, I know. Me, too, for sure.

I had sex with Chet last night.

What?!

I know, I know.

I know this is not, like, the time or the place, but I-I literally have to tell somebody.

Give me all the deets right now.

Well, it happened just like you said it would.

Chet: Hey, Jess!

Hey, do you have the toenail clippers, man?

My big toe is doing something real weird.

[REO Speedwagon's "Keep On Loving You" plays]

♪ You should have seen by the look in my eyes, baby ♪

[Music stops]

It doesn't smell good, either, so I don't know what...

Oh. [Chuckles]

My dong popped out. I apologize.

One thing led to another, and then...

♪ Keep on loving you ♪

[Grunting, screaming]

[Screaming in distance]

What was that?

You shagged it up with the filthiest hippie I've ever seen?

[Laughs] Right?!

I couldn't be more proud of you.

He is just... He's so just like...

not Todd.

Yes! That's it!

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

We're gonna hang out later.

No.

What? Don't do that.

You're a relationship person.

I mean, have you ever had a one-night stand before?

Yeah. Once.

And then we dated for seven years.

Mm, I don't want to see you in another Todd situation.

♪

Steve, I don't want to cause any panic, but I think Yolonzo might have Mengshu Fever.

What?

Mengshu Fever, the Red Death.

You've never heard of Mengshu Fever?

Okay, Emma, we haven't all done two years at foot school.

Seven years of medical school, okay?

It's called the Red Death because if the patient doesn't get the proper medication, he ends up spitting up blood.

Well, I don't see any red on him.

Hey!

I think he looks fine.

Steve, if he has all the other symptoms.

We have to take this seriously.

Otherwise, it's gonna spread across the island.

I don't want to alarm everyone. Maybe he's just getting old.

No.

Old people get sick.

What?

That's their thing.

Since the beginning of time.

I think he'll bounce back.

[Gasps, panting]

Oh, my God.

He's gone.

He's gone.

Steve: Who's gone, Pack?

Pack: What?

If you're talking about Danny, I'm afraid he's... He's here.

Danny: I'm so sorry I sh*t you, man.

I-I didn't mean to at all. Just happened so fast.

Danny said that you came at him. You were acting crazy.

Crazy?

Did you att*ck Danny?

♪

No. Of course not.

Yes, you did. I was standing right there.

No, I was in the jungle, and I was coming out, and then I saw him, and I was, like, "Oh, these guys are my friends," and then he sh*t me with his g*n right here, and he meant it.

No, if anything, Danny sh*t him in self-defense.

Oh, come on. What reason did he have to lie?

I don't.

This is ridiculous. I was right there. I saw it.

Accident or not, Danny sh*t Pack, and he deserves to be punished.

Steve, what should we do?

Well, we're not gonna just let Steve decide what happens to Danny.

Why not? He's the leader.

Well, because he's not a dictator, Karen.

If anything, he should have a trial.

You mean with a jury?

Yeah, with a jury. That's right.

In America, we have juries. We do due process.

I will defend him.

Thank you.

Oh, then I will prosecute, hmm?

Fair is fair.

Danny deserves to be thrown in that pit, or worse.

Oh! [Gasps]

That was a powerful volley of orgasms.

Good for you.

I don't know what just happened.

Thank you.

Hey, I'm gonna go do yoga a little bit later if you want to join.

I don't want to toot my own flute, but I did take a class once, so...

Yeah, that'd be... That'd be cool.

Cool.

Ice that down, and, uh, maybe I'll see you later?

Okay. Later, babe!

"Babe"? Ugh.

Florence, I cannot fall into another relationship.

I ca... I can't help myself, but I cannot do another Todd.

Okay, Ba-Ba-Ba... I have done this a bajillion times, okay?

Wow.

Okay.

To avoid a relationship, there are two time-honored rules.

Number one... Avoid face time with him.

Half of getting laid is just being in the same vicinity.

Number two...

Never, ever, ever, ever,ever be alone with Chet after dark.

Ever!

Oh.

It's when you're weakest.

Wait. But how do I limit face time with him?

The jury!

Oh, yes! Get on the jury.

No one in their right mind would put that guy on a jury.

Basically, I think that we're all guilty because of, like, the original sin.

Like, Adam blaming Eve for his own choice.

But [Laughs]

But also, I don't feel like I have the right to punish anybody because punishment is just living this dang life.

Well, I like Chet for the jury.

Oh. Then we agree.

Chet, you've officially made the cut.

Hey, thank you. Hey, thank you.

You don't... Just sit down.

Okay.

You don't need...

Welcome to the jury.

From now until the end of the trial, you will be sequestered together.

Until you reach a verdict, you're not going anywhere.

[Whispering] That's so fun.

Well, hello, everyone.

This is our first trial on the island.

We're here today to rule on the wounding of Pack by Danny.

We'll use standard trial proceedings.

I'm sorry. Standard trial proceedings?

Okay, we are creating a new society here.

Who's to say what sort of legal system we should be using?

I just figured we'd do it like on "Law & Order."

Man: Yeah.

Woman: Okay. Go for it.

Yeah, I like that show.

Right, now remember, this is a serious proceeding, so it should be treated as such.

[Banging]

All right, court is now in session.

People, the case is clear.

There is no proof that Pack att*cked Danny.

There is proof that Danny sh*t Pack.

And sh**ting people is a crime.

If it wasn't, I would have put a b*llet in my brother-in-law years ago.

[Laughter]

Why is that funny?

[Laughter stops]

Ladies and gentlemen, did Danny sh**t Pack?

Yeah, he did.

But he did it in self-defense.

You guys, I was there that night.

Pack came out of that jungle like...

[Screaming]

I'm gonna k*ll you!

Now look at her face. Look how scared she is.

♪

Pack, Pack, Pack, Pack, Pack.

You claim that you were lost, just trying to get home, and yet... when we found you that night, you were covered in blood.

Is that not true?

What happened out there, Pack? What don't you want us to know?

♪

[Insects chirping]

[Gasps] What was that?

Jerry: Beats me.

Man, it is creepy as sh*t out here.

Stop following me, Jerry!

God damn it!

Whoa!

Why are you screaming at me, huh?!

After everything I gave to you.

Put your shirt down!

No, look at it.

You're not real.

You were just a dead body, and I was starving, so I hallucinated a conversation.

That's it!

But you're not starving now, so then... why am I still standing here talking to you?

Oh, no.

Pack, that means you've gone crazy.

[High-pitched] Oh, no, Pack. You're nuts.

No. Stop doing that voice. I'm not crazy. I'm very chill.

[Normal voice] Buddy, you chowed down on a dead dude, and now he's standing here, talking to you.

Shut up! Keep your voice down, Jerry!

♪ Oh, Pack is going crazy ♪
♪ Pack is going crazy ♪

[Clucking]

Leave me alone!

I'm gonna k*ll you!

[g*nsh*t]

Owen: Why'd you att*ck Danny?

Yeah, Pack, tell them what you did.

[Panting]

I didn't att*ck Danny, okay?

Um, I was coming out of the jungle to see you guys, to see my family, and then he sh*t me, right here in my shoulder hole, and I thought he was supposed to be a cop.

Yeah, yeah, that's a fair point.

Danny is a cop with extensive firearm training, and yet he still sh*t Pack for no reason.

No reason.

If anything, he should be judged more harshly.

[Indistinct muttering]

There's no further questions here, so...

No more, huh?

This is bad. This is really bad.

Okay. I can turn this around.

You gotta trust me.

We've heard a lot of cop talk today, but, Danny, are you actually a trained officer of the law?

What are you doing, man?

It's gonna be all right. Just tell the truth.

♪

I'm not a cop.

What?

I've just been pretending to be one.

[Indistinct shouting]

All right, order!

I just wanted to help people, you know, to serve and protect.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a case about a cop.

This is a case about a civilian that just wanted to protect us.

Guys, put yourself in Danny's shoes, okay?

You're alone. It's nighttime. You're in the jungle.

Something jumps out at you. It's gonna get you!

It's gonna k*ll you! You're dead!

Afraid, right?

Wouldn't you defend yourself?

Wouldn't we all?

Hell, yeah, we would!

Hell, yeah, we would!

So, let's do the right thing now, and let's let this man go free.

That's a great speech.

[Applause]

Okay, let me get this straight.

You're not a police officer?

No, Karen, I am not.

No, you're worse.

You're a liar with a g*n!

He lied to us.

Liar with a g*n. LWG.

Objection.

Karen: We trusted him with our g*n!

He could have sh*t any of us!

I say we banish him!

[Indistinct shouting]

Is this part of your plan?

Nope.

Bruce: We're just going over the same material over and over again.

You guys!

We've been at this for hours, okay?

It's Danny. It was an accident.

Roger: Unless it wasn't.

I think we should do an eye for an eye, b*llet for b*llet.

Holy sh*t, Roger.

Look, I just plain don't trust Pack.

I'm not saying he's a t*rror1st, but what was he doing on our plane? He might be a t*rror1st.

No, hey! Man, Pack's my buddy, and the... the real t*rror1st is the g*n...

Okay.

So why don't we banish the g*n?

Look, you're ruining this island, Cat Stevens! That's what you have here!

[Indistinct shouting]

Hey, look!

We're clearly not gonna come to any conclusions tonight, so why don't we just get some shut-eye, and we'll start first thing in the morning.

We're... We're sleeping here?

Yeah, Missy. We're sequestering.

Florence: Number two... Never, ever, ever, ever be alone with Chet after dark.

I hope you guys like it Au naturel 'cause I sleep in the buff.

[REO Speedwagon's "Keep On Loving You" plays]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What if there was another way?

A way that ends this now?

♪

Well, has the jury reached a verdict?

We have.

We, the jury, have decided that Danny's fate...

♪

Shall be decided by Steve.

Are you [bleep] kidding me right now?

It was the only unanimous decision we could come to.

I mean, always be sequestering, like, day and night, and sleeping together and stuff.

We all trust Steve.

He will do what's best for the island.

You are making him a dictator.

Come on, Owen. It's just Steve.

Yeah, and I'm sure in Germany, they were like, "Come on. It's just Adolf!"

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

It's the mustache, isn't it? That's where the comparison ends.

Maybe that and my love of fine art.

Well, if that's what the, uh, island has decided, then so be it.

I'm gonna make a decision.

I'll be back in an hour.

[Indistinct talking]

[Insects chirping]

♪

[Sighs]

Jessaroni!

Oh! God. sh*t.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to spook you. I'm sorry.

Chet, we cannot keep doing this, okay?

We-We've got to stop.

Oh, you're developing feelings for me.

What? No.

No?

No.

Oh.

Y-You're interested, though, like, you kind of want to...

Not really.

Not really?

No.

Okay, do you... Do you like me at all, or...

No. no!

I don't like you at all, Chet!

Oh, my God!

You're the worst.

You're not funny. You're not smart.

You're kind of sweaty all the time, and honestly, I don't understand most of the weird things that you say, because... I-It's not because I don't get it.

It's because it's literally gibberish.

It just... It doesn't make sense, Chet!

Mm.

Huh.

So if I don't have feelings for you, where does that leave us?

♪ Keep on loving you ♪

[Both moaning, shouting]

This isn't right, Steve.

[Sighs]

You just can't stand the idea of me being in charge, can you?

In charge of what?

You're playing make-believe here.

This is not a real society.

This is just some rock that we're stuck on until we can get home.

Owen, this is our reality, and I'm the leader here.

Well, then, do the right thing for Danny.

I promise you, I will.

Yolonzo?

Yolonzo!

Yolonzo?

I knew it was Mengshu! Yes!

I am so sorry, Yolonzo, but I knew it.

[Laughs]

[Coughing]

[Steve sighs]

This was not an easy decision.

It was an honest one.

What we're trying to do here on this island is difficult.

We're laying the foundation for a real society because this is not some rock we're living on.

This is home.

And when you're at home, you want to feel safe.

Now, do I think that Danny is dangerous?

No.

Therefore, he will not be banished.

[Sighs]

[Crowd murmuring]

But the fact does remain that he did lie to us, and his lie resulted in a severe injury to Pack.

So therefore, Danny, I give you three weeks in the pit.

Wow. Great job.

And, Owen, you'll be joining him.

What?!

You were complicit in his lies since the very beginning.

Makes you an accomplice.

This is insane.

Just serve the time, Owen.

Do the right thing.

Okay, Steve, how about you take a big sh*t into your hands and then eat it with your own face?

'Cause we're not gonna go in your pit.

[All gasping]

A bit foul.

But don't make me think of banishment because I'm... I'm gonna consider it.

Owen, please, if we're both in the pit together...

It's okay.

Yeah, you don't have to consider it, okay?

Because right now, I'm banishing myself and Danny because we would rather go live on the other side of this island and focus on what's important, which is getting home.

Once you leave, you can never return.

No, I understand what banishment is 'cause I just banished myself.

Right.

Danny, you ready to go?

Daniel, you don't have to listen to this.

He's... He's confused, I think.

If I was you, I'd stay.

We've got a nice, warm pit here for you.

Okay, let's go.

[Dramatic music plays]

Holy sh*t. You are an assh*le.

Florence!

Emma?

Good news... I was right. It was Mengshu.

What? Isn't that awesome?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, also, Yolonzo's dead.

Oh.

[Coughing]

Oh, my God!

[Gagging]

What a sh*t!

Help!