01x01 - First

♪♪

♪ Hey! ♪

All right, we're recording.

One, two, three, four!

Both: ♪ Bizaardvark! ♪
♪ We like to keep it weird! ♪
♪ We make crazy videos ♪
♪ And we look good in a beard! ♪

Both: Eh.

Bizaardvark.

Hey, guys! I'm Frankie.

I'm Paige, and we have a favor to ask!

See the sub... sorry.

Hey, guys! I'm Frankie...

Uh... nope.

Paige!

Sorry.

Aah! No.

No.

Hey, guys! I'm Frankie.

I'm Paige, and we have a favor to ask.

See the subscriber count here?

We really need to get that number up to 10,000

'cause if we do, we'll get invited to the Vuuugle studio.

(heavenly choir type singing)

It's this killer space we've been dying to get into where all the biggest Internet stars shoot their videos.

Yeah, they've got hi-tech gear, and sets, and a wardrobe department, and makeup, and clothes, which is the same as wardrobe, which I already said, and...

(breathing heavily)

She gets excited.

So this week, we had a big dilemma.

We had a science project due about endangered species, but we also needed to make a new video for you guys.

So, we killed two birds with one stone.

No actual birds were harmed in the making of this video.

This song goes out to a guy that doesn't get a lot of love.

No love!

Probably because he was voted the world's ugliest creature.

Ugly.

But these two girls think you got it goin' on.

This one's for you... blobfish.

(romantic music playing)

Both: Oh, oh, oh!

♪ When I first saw you, blobfish ♪
♪ I said, "I really like your smile" ♪
♪ Okay, the picture is not your best one ♪
♪ And that drool is pretty vile ♪
♪ But I think you are perfect ♪
♪ Perfect ♪
♪ Just wanna get closer to you ♪

Ugh!

♪ Maybe not that close, my love ♪
♪ I can see all of your goo! ♪

Both: Blobfish, you're endangered for breaking my heart.

Both: Oh!

Thank you, AP Science!

I don't get it.

Come on! It's a love song... to an ugly fish.

I find your perspective juvenile and your sense of humor banal.

Class: Ohh!

Oh yeah? Well, I... uh, you're, um...

I got nothin'.

(bell rings)

No one at this school gets us.

Are we too weird?

Who cares?

Do you really want to fit in at this stuffy prep school?

In gym yesterday, we conjugated verbs.

You're right.

Psh, juvenile and banal.

Well, I find your face disturbing and your breath unbearable!

Ooh! Burn!

Only five minutes too late.

Yeah, I'm really good at comebacks.

Mm-hmm.

Just not right away.

That would make a great video!

That's good!

Yeah!

Write it down!

Okay.

(phone beeps)

Paige, Paige, Paige!

Bizaardvark just hit 10,000 subscribers!

No way!

That gets us into Vuuugle!

Two-person wave!

This is the best day ever!

Yeah!

We get to make even cooler videos for our fans and we're finally gonna be around people who get us!

Yeah! Let's go right now!

School's not over.

School is not over.

Both: ♪ You could spend all day ♪
♪ On a swing eating a baguette ♪
♪ But why do boring things like that ♪
♪ When there's the Internet? ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
♪ Hey! Hey! ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares ♪
♪ Saying, "Here we go" ♪

Here we go!

♪ He'll do anything you want ♪
♪ Just don't try this at home ♪
♪ Or watch Amelia teaching ya ♪
♪ How to look your best ♪
♪ Making over people is her never-ending quest ♪
♪ You could watch... ♪

Do you have constant foot odor?

♪ You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos ♪
♪ Like the one with evil pop-up books ♪
♪ That punch you in the nose ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
♪ Hey! Hey! ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

And I... I missed it.

Wait.

Let's savor this.

Our lives will change the moment we walk through this door.

(both inhale, exhale)

(dramatic music plays)

(heavenly choir type singing)

Look! It's "The Bagpipe Ninja!"

(boy playing bagpipes)

I love his channel!

(playing)

Oh, and that's the girl from "Will it Melt?"

Ah, it always melts.

Oh, and that's the guy from... actually, I have no idea who that guy is, but I'm definitely subscribing to his channel.

There are so many weirdos here!

Frankie, we're home.

Whoa! What a freakshow, am I right?

Bernie, what are you doing here?

Just came to check on my two favorite clients.

Bernie, we tell you this every day at school.

You're not our agent.

Oh yeah?

Then why did I get new business cards?

"Bernie's the best. He'll out-agent the rest. I don't know. Does that sound stupid?"

Aah, they printed that?

I was just asking the guy at the copy place.

Bernie, to be an agent, you kind of have to have clients.

So what I'm hearing you say is you'll let me be your agent if I can sign one client?

Oh yeah. Sure, Bernie. We'll be your clients if you can convince a Vuuugle star to sign with an agent who has a 6:00 curfew.

Deal! I've already got the contracts ready!

This is a love letter to your math teacher.

(chuckles nervously)

We pretend that when I get older, we're gonna get married and live in a cabin in Vermont.

It's our bit.

Please don't tell her about this.

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Dude!

It's Dirk from "DareMeBro!"

Frankie: He does anything his fans dare him to do!

Remember, "DareMeBro!" isn't about pointless stunts.

It's about experiencing all the majestic wonders that life has to offer.

Now watch me ride a shopping cart into a brick wall!

Don't try this at home. (chuckles)

(beep)

Here we go! Whoo!

(grunts, groans)

Whoo! Life!

Dirk?

I... I'm such a big fan.

Sweet! You guys wanna get in on this?

Seriously? A cake smash dare?

Those are my favorite!

Whoo!

Cake smash!

Yes!

I meant "Did you want a slice?"

That was for my birthday.

(blows horn)

Sorry, guys.

Maybe next year.

Someone please dare me not to cry.

No! No, no, no, no! The party's not over!

♪ Happy bir... ♪

Paige!

Aah! It's Amelia from "Perfect Perfection With Amelia."

She's one of the biggest lifestyle gurus on Vuuugle.

And that's how you turn old sweatpants into a prom dress!

It's so easy!

(ding)

You watch her videos?

(scoffs) No.

They're so girly.

Amelia! I love the one where you make your own lipstick out of cherries and candle wax!

Don't judge me.

Aww, thanks. (chuckles)

(computer beeps)

Why won't my video upload?

This thing keeps freezin'.

I know an awesome trick for that.

(recycling bin sound)

Both: Uh...

What is wrong with you?

You just deleted my video!

Angelo, where is my screaming pillow?

(screams)

You're my world.

Do you have any idea what you just did?

3.4 million fans were waitin' for that.

I... I'm really sorry. It was an accident.

Well, you just made number two on my enemy list.

Right below pink backpacks.

♪ Happy birth... ♪

Bye, guys! Love you too!

Are we gonna be outcasts here just like at school?

It's not that bad.

See? Amelia sat right next to us.

Angelo, privacy screen.

(whirring)

Hello, girls.

I'm Liam. I am the boss here.

Before you ask any questions, let me get it all out.

No, I am not a robot.

Yes, my father owns Vuuugle and... makes me work here.

And no, you cannot order lunch by touching my screen.

Both: Aww.

Yes. Well, chat over.

See you tomorrow at the VidView party.

Can't wait! (chuckles)

Uh, what's a VidView party?

(groans)

It's where you newbies get to show the first video you make here.

Everyone will be watching.

Everyone will be judging.

It's a big deal.

He's mean.

I like him.

Frankie, this party is our chance to make everybody here not hate us!

We can't re-bake Dirk's cake or get Amelia's video back, but we can make people laugh.

You're right.

We should make that video we were talking about at school.

The Comeback Song! That's perfect!

Let's go write it.

Wait.

There's something really important we need to do first.

Frankie: Whoo! Woo-hoo!

Whoo!

All right. Let's get to work.

Hey, what's up, little man?

The nurse says I'm average for my...

Doesn't matter.

Bernie Schotz.

Talent agent.

I'd like to represent you.

"Bernie's sincere. He'll protect your career. Ugh. These rhymes are awful and people hate me."

Again?

I swear that copy guy is doing it on purpose.

Look, if you make me your agent, I will hustle for you.

I'm talkin' TV shows, movies, your own record label!

Eh.

What about your face on a mug?

I'm listening.

Great! I'll talk to my mug people.

Hang on!

Anyone who joins my team has to be on board with me creatively.

No problem.

Bernie Schotz can handle anything you throw at him.

All right, DareHeads, my new dare assistant here is gonna butt heads with this wild ram.

Wait, what are we doing?

(ram grunts)

(grunting, clanking)

Oh! Here we go!

I don't think I wanna do this.

Too late. Already clapped and said, "Here we go!"

Now let me just rattle his crate and get him extra angry.

(crashing)

(gasps)

He did not need that, did he?

Ready, Bern?

Bern?

(screaming)

I bought a ram for this!

Come on!

(ram roars)

Thanks for unlocking the studio for us, Liam.

Oh, yes, of course.

Yes, I got a degree from Oxford so I can open doors for tweenagers.

"Bizaardvark."

Okay, I'll bite.

How'd you come up with that name?

It was a very long and complicated process.

Okay, we need a name for our channel.

Let's just go through the alphabet.

"A," aardvark.

"B," bizarre.

(both gasp) Bizaardvark!

I don't get it.

It's just silly. We make comedy videos.

Like right now, we're making one for the VidView party.

It's called We're Really Good at Comebacks, Just Not Right Away.

But... but that would mean that you're not really good at comebacks.

Right. That's the joke.

(chuckles awkwardly)

I don't get it.

I don't get it.

I meant, "Did you want a slice?"

That was for my birthday.

What is wrong with you?

You just deleted my video!

I don't get it.

Well, you can't please everyone.

We need to change our video for the party!

What are you talking about?

The head of Vuuugle doesn't get us!

Dirk and Amelia already hate us!

It is school all over again!

We're too weird here too!

Paige, calm down.

When you freak out, it gets in my head, and by the time you calm down, I freak out.

(exhales) You're right.

We can't change everything based on...

Oh, we're too weird! We need to change our video!

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Bernie Schotz. Talent agent.

Here's my card.

You know what?

Not gonna risk it.

You've been talkin' a long time and you haven't said one thing about me.

Bye!

Wait! I need you.

See, there's these two girls I'm trying to impress, and all I...

Say no more.

I know exactly what you're askin'.

In today's video, we're gonna help Bernard here impress girls by waxin' off some of his unruly neck hair.

Wait, what are we doing?

Is... is it gonna hurt?

If I do it right!

(screams)

My neck! (screams)

(screaming)

Bernie Schotz. Talent agent.

(screams)

"R"!

"R"! "R"!

Once again, Captain, perfect vision!

Both: ♪ Pirates at the eye doctor ♪
♪ Pirates at the eye doctor ♪

Oh, what are we doing?

This is weirder than our Comebacks video.

We need something everyone at Vuuugle will get.

Well, what are we gonna do? The party is in an hour and we've gone through every idea in our notebook.

Okay, stay calm.

What do we do when we don't have any ideas?

The Back and Forth Game.

I'll start.

Okay.

Let's...

Make...

A...

Video...

About...

The...

Funniest...

Thing...

Ever?

We...

Are...

Dead.

Liam: Next up at the VidView party is Alan Davis with his channel, "My Grandpa Clears His Throat."

(coughs)

(clears throat)

(applause)

Charming.

And finally, we have Paige and Frankie from Bizaardvark.

(applause)

So, um, we had this really great idea and some other ideas that were like, eh, probably not as good, and a lot of stuff about pirates.

We have no video.

What?

(disapproving murmuring)

If you can't make one video, then why are you even here?

Good question.

(sighs)

This was supposed to be where we finally found our people.

We did.

They just didn't find us.

(ram roars)

(crashing and shattering)

(roaring continues)

Anyone else her got a ram?

No?

Probably mine.

(timer dings)

Switch!

Hey!

Guess who just signed throat-clearing grandpa?

(clears throat)

Me! So... per our deal, I am now your agent.

Sorry, Bernie, Bizaardvark is over.

What? Why?

'Cause for years, whenever we felt like weirdos or we didn't fit in, we'd say, "It's okay 'cause one day, we'll make it into Vuuugle."

And then we did.

And we blew it.

But you guys can't quit.

You're too talented.

You're just saying that 'cause you want to be our agent.

No, I'm saying it because I'm your friend.

Look, everyday, I wake up to hear a voice saying, "Bernie, give up. You're never gonna be an agent." And then I say, "Can you at least wait until after I've had my cereal, Grandma? I don't need this right now!"

What's your point?

My point is, I never give up.

So, neither should you.

You have over 10,000 fans who love you.

Have you seen what they're doing online?

♪ When I first saw you, blobfish ♪
♪ I said, "I really like your smile" ♪
♪ Okay, the picture's not your best one ♪
♪ And that drool is pretty vile ♪
♪ But I think you are perfect ♪

Frankie... (video stops) we totally forgot about our fans.

They get us.

I can't believe we almost quit.

Let's go back to Vuuugle and make the video we should've made in the first place.

Bernie Schotz alone in a girl's room.

What should I check out first?

Frankie: Get out!

Uh...

Hey, everybody!

Sorry we're late with our post.

We got to Vuuugle and we doubted ourselves.

But then you reminded us the only thing that matters is making videos we believe in.

So, here's The Comeback Song.

This one's for you guys.

(hip hop music plays)

Yo. No, you didn't!

It's Paige and Frankie!

♪ Sittin' in science class, I'm minding my own business ♪

♪ Robbie starts talking trash ♪

♪ He thinks that he can dish it ♪
♪ He's like, "Nice glasses ♪

♪ Did you get 'em from your grandma?" ♪
♪ Grandma, grandma ♪

♪ So I'm like... ♪

(clock ticking)

♪ "One second" ♪

(ticking continues)

♪ "Uh, still thinkin'" ♪

Yeah, to help me see you have a stupid haircut!

Oh!

♪ We're so good at comebacks ♪
♪ Gonna be worth the wait ♪
♪ Make it rain with punchlines ♪
♪ So what if it takes a day? ♪

♪ This is The Comeback Song

♪ The Comeback Song ♪

♪ The Comeback Song ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ A few days later ♪
♪ Later ♪

♪ I'm cravin' for some juice ♪
♪ So many delicious flavors ♪
♪ I don't know what to choose ♪
♪ The cashier rolls her eyes ♪
♪ And says, "Could you take any longer?" ♪
♪ Longer, longer ♪

♪ So I'm like ♪

(clock ticking)

♪ Uh, hang on now ♪

(ticking continues)

♪ Uh... I got this ♪
♪ I'm sorry, I didn't order for a glass of your opinion ♪

Oh!

♪ We're so good at comebacks ♪
♪ There ain't nobody greater ♪
♪ We're spitting straight fire ♪

♪ Who cares if it's three months later? ♪
This is The Comeback Song ♪

♪ The Comeback Song ♪

♪ The Comeback Song ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Finally it's the weekend ♪
♪ Friday ♪
♪ We 'bout to let loose ♪
♪ Chillin' on the seesaw, but this lady don't approve ♪

♪ She's like, "Aren't you too old to be playin' at the playground?" ♪

♪ Playground, playground ♪

♪ So we're like ♪

(clock ticking)

Paige: ♪ Wait for it ♪

(ticking continues)

Don't leave yet.

(ticking continues)

Your mama's... uh...

♪ No ♪

♪ We're so good at comebacks ♪

♪ We'll find the perfect line ♪
♪ Hit you with the bestest ♪
♪ Even if it takes a lifetime ♪

♪ This is The Comeback Song
♪ You better watch out! ♪

♪ The Comeback Song ♪

♪ 'Cause we're coming at you with some comebacks! ♪

♪ The Comeback Song ♪

♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Eventually ♪

Hey, lady!

♪ Aren't you too old to be... ♪

(music slows, stops)

Wait, what was it again?

I don't remember.

(sighs) We've wasted our lives.

(music continues)

Bizaardvark!

(applause)

Thanks, everyone!

Thanks for giving us another chance.

Got to admit, ladies, we work well together.

You filmed that entire video, and I stayed home like you told me.

Hey! You're not a Vuuugler!

You have to leave immediately!

Out, out, out, out, out!

It's okay, Liam!

He's our friend.

He's also our agent.

Are you serious?

Thank you, guys! You won't regret it!

Oh, good.

A 12-year-old agent.

That makes perfect sense.

I'm gonna get on the horn right away and start making deals for you guys.

Grandma, I finally signed Bizaardvark!

Yes, I'll be home by 6:00.

That was really great, you guys.

Yeah. I had no idea you guys were such funny chick dudes.

I'd give you a high-five, but, you know, bear trap.

Really? So you guys don't hate us?

And you liked our video?

Liked it? I loved it!

Hugs!

Frankie, we did it!

We finally found our people!

Yeah.

Two-person wave!

(chuckles)

Make that a three-person wave!

I'm dryin' my nails anyway.

Five-person wave... Aww.

I'll get you guys next time.