01x02 - Draw My Life

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

You know the best part about being at Vuuugle?

It's like having the whole Internet spread out in front of you.

Yeah!

There's Horse Face Guy...

Opera Baby...

(Opera Baby sings)

(Opera Baby cries)

(disco music playing)

Ooh, Disco Chef!

(disco music plays)

This is the weirdest place I have ever been.

Yeah.

I never want to leave.

Girls, this is for you.

We carried it all the way from the parking lot.

Angelo, can you please get me a water?

I'm exhausted from carrying all this.

Oh, a whiteboard.

The gift that says...

"This is a whiteboard."

Frankie, what do we say when someone gives us a gift?

Do you have the receipt?

The whiteboard is for your "Draw My Life" video, where you draw your life stories so your fans can learn more about you.

I love "Draw My Life," but is Bizaardvark big enough to do one of those?

Apparently. One of your fans requested it.

Who?

Me!

I want to learn more about you.

Why didn't you just ask?

I didn't want to have a whole conversation.

I'd respond, but you'd probably just cut me...

Anyway... you have to do a "Draw My Life"!

It's a right of passage at Vuuugle.

I still remember my "DML."

Amelia: I was born on my family's farm.

We didn't have a lot of money, but I loved pretty things.

So, I made blush out of cherries and dresses out of old curtains.

I wanted to show other girls they could also make a lot from of a little.

So, when I was seven, lot I started making videos.

(oinking)

There weren't a lot of kids around, so I had to improvise.

(pig squeals)

You know the rest.

Awards, fame, blah, blah, blah.

I said "blah, blah, blah" instead of "three million fans" 'cause I didn't want to sound braggy.

Mission accomplished!

Wow, Amelia, I had no idea you've had such an interesting life.

Yep, I came from humble beginnings, and I like to think I've kept it humble.

What is this? Tap?

I prefer my water like my personality...

Bubbly and/or sparkling.

(theme music playing)

Both: ♪ You could spend all day ♪
♪ On a swing eating a baguette ♪
♪ But why do boring things like that ♪
♪ When there's the Internet? ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
♪ Hey! Hey! ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares ♪
♪ Saying, "Here we go" ♪

Here we go!

♪ He'll do anything you want ♪
♪ Just don't try this at home ♪
♪ Or watch Amelia teaching ya ♪
♪ How to look your best ♪
♪ Making over people is her never-ending quest ♪
♪ You could watch... ♪

Do you have constant foot odor?

♪ You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos ♪
♪ Like the one with evil pop-up books ♪
♪ That punch you in the nose ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
♪ Hey! Hey! ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

And I... I missed it.

Amelia! You were right about the "Draw My Life."

Ever since you requested it, our comment section has been blowing up.

(makes explosion sound)

We're doing it.

Yay!

My idea!

I can't wait to get to know the real Paige and Frankie and hear what dramatic events shaped your lives.

I'm guessin' picked last for kickball?

Yeah.

Raised by wolves?

I wish.

Our "Draw My Life" will be the epic tale of Bizaardvark!

Frankie: We begin 5,000 years ago.

Paige: Power cord!

(electric guitar power chord)

Paige: Two epic space wanderers, Paige and Frankie, travel the universe and bring comedy to a deserted planet named...

Bizaardvark!

(Frankie mimics echo) Ark-ark-ark.

Their only enemy is hecklers.

(booing)

And the occasional space dragon.

(roaring)

No, no, no!

You can't make stuff up for "Draw My Life."

But making up funny stuff is what we do. It's who we are.

No, that's who Bizaardvark is.

Your "Draw My Life" has to let your fans know who you are.

If your "DML" isn't authentic, they'll turn on you like a bunch of angry...

What did you have in that stupid thing?

Space dragons.

Yeah, those.

Remember, you've gotta be yourselves.

Paige and Frankie.

Paige and Frankie.

She's getting better.

Yesterday, she called us Barbara and Stacy.

And I was Barbara.

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

And there you have it.

DareMeBro can eat a thousand breath-mints.

Are the cameras still there?

I've temporarily lost my sight.

Okay, I'm back.

Now, to give me next week's dare, my special guest bro, Bernie!

Bernie Schotz, talent agent.

Right, the dare.

This dare comes from BigStu52.

He writes, "I dare you to swing" across a tank full of snapping turtles."

Turtles?

Cut... cut the cameras.

Cut! Cut the cameras!

Cut the... (sighs)

Dirk, you okay?

(sighs)

Confession time, little man.

Okay.

I have bladder shyness. Your turn.

Oh, you wanted to tell me your...

Okay.

When I was a little kid, I used to be afraid of everything.

So, I created an alter ego, DareMeBro, to help me overcome my fears.

And it worked.

But there's one fear that I've never been able to conquer.

Turtles!

Whoa, your breath is fresh!

Wait, you're afraid of turtles?

It all began back when I was just a tiny bro.

My dad ran a pre-owned turtle store.

Sometimes...

he brought work home.

One night, it was tub-tub time and I got in the tub without checking first.

And I didn't realize that it had been invaded by a gigantic reptilian monster!

(snap)

Young Dirk: Yow!

The turtle bit my butt-butt!

"Yow. The turtle bit my butt-butt."

Whoa.

This is big.

You're afraid of something that I'm not.

I'm the cool one!

What are we gonna do, Bern-man?

I promised my fans a dare.

If I don't do it, DareMeBro is over.

Don't worry, little guy.

Dr. Bernie will get you over your fear, no matter how pathetic it is.

This is the best day of my life.

I had no idea how important these "Draw My Lifes" are.

Every Vuuugle star has one!

Even Opera Baby.

(click)

(Opera Baby sings)

Whoa, she drew her own birth!

Ugh, gross.

Awesome!

(Opera Baby cries)

Okay, our "Draw My Life" has to be authentic, interesting, and about who we really are.

Uh, let's start at the beginning.

We were both born in Tarzana.

Have you traveled anywhere?

I once visited my aunt in East Tarzana.

Okay, that's a dead end.

Amelia overcame obstacles in her life.

Have we overcome anything?

Ooh, remember when we tried out for the volleyball team but we got cut? And then with a lot of hard work and determination, we convinced ourselves that volleyball's stupid.

Forget the past.

We're interesting now!

Like what did we do last Friday?

We threw rocks into your dad's pool.

Hm.

And what did we do on Saturday?

Your dad made us clean the rocks out of his pool.

This is awful.

Our fans are gonna see who we really are for the first time, and compared to everyone else at Vuuugle, we're lame.

We need to find something to make our lives more interesting or our "Draw My Life" will be the worst one in history.

(piano plays)

♪ What if we make our entire lives ♪
♪ A musical? ♪

Not doing that.

♪ Are you sure? ♪
♪ Do you want to think about it? ♪

(grunts)

Hey!

Hi!

What's this?

We do everything on a tandem bike now.

Sleep is a challenge. The bathroom is possible.

Not pretty, but possible.

If only someone had a whiteboard to capture this highly interesting moment.

Oh, this is for your "Draw My Life"!

"I love it"...

Thanks!

Is what I told the McKenzie Sisters when they started riding a tandem bike on their channel.

(country music playing)

Big deal. So they bike too.

They were also separated at birth and traveled across the country to find each other.

Once they reunited, they bought a three-person bike as a symbol they'd never be apart again.

Ours has a bell. (chuckles awkwardly)

(bell dings)

I'm gonna go return this bike.

(grunts)

Stupid parents not separating me at birth.

I don't know what to do.

I'm worried our "DML" is gonna be horrible.

Oh, you mean because you're doing a two-person "Draw My Life," so one person will come off more interestin' than the other?

What?

No, I... I wasn't thinking about that at all.

Oh, good. You shouldn't.

Your "DML" is going to be awesome... no matter which one of you is more interestin'.

(majestic music playing)

(cameras clicking)

Whiteboard reporter: Frankie! Saw the "DML."

Love your part.

Tell us again how you got so interesting.

Whiteboard Frankie: Well, the dictionary defines "interesting" as...

Whiteboard Paige: My dad has a pool!

Nobody cares!

Go home and throw rocks in it.

Frankie's talking!

(cameras clicks)

Well, I'm glad I helped.

Bye!

Bernie?

(tranquil music plays)

Bernie: Namaste, Dirk.

This is your mentor and cooler friend Bernie Schotz.

Today, we're using meditation to get you over your fear of turtles.

Have a seat, chief.

Or do you prefer "tiger"?

Tiger, I guess.

You got it, chief!

Now close your eyes.

Imagine a meadow with trees and butterflies.

Ah.

Hey, butterfly bro.

There's also a pond, and in that pond is a little turtle.

Aah!

You're right, this is fun!

The turtle's your friend.

Say hello.

He... hello, Mr. Turtle.

Wow. Okay.

I think this might actually be working.

Now open your eyes and press "play" on that tablet to see playful snapping turtles in their natural habitat.

(happy music playing)

(snap)

(videographer screams)

(screams)

(high-pitched) No! No snapping turtles!

(normal voice) Die, turtle!

(grunts)

Congratulations! You're cured!

Please return the tablet.

It's my grandma's.

Paige, Paige, Paige!

How interesting does this sound?

We wear astronaut suits all the time.

(squawks)

Uh, follow up question.

Why do you have a parrot on your shoulder?

Oh, this guy? His name's Levon.

I thought he would make us more interesting.

Now we're the comedy duo who has a parrot on our shoulder.

Cool. When do I get to wear him?

(squawks)

Oh, you don't.

He's kind of my parrot.

Oh.

You guys got parrots for your "Draw My Life"?

So smart!

Actually, only Paige got one.

Oh.

Well, don't freak out about it. You'll be fine.

I wasn't freaking out.

Should I be?

No.

I'm sure you'll think of some way to be as interesting as Paige in your "DML"... even without a parrot.

What do you mean, "as interesting as Paige"?

Okay, sport, to get you over your fear of turtles, we're gonna relive the moment where it all started.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's that?

Little Sheldon here is your friend.

Aren't you, Sheldon?

(toy squeaks)

What did he say?

I don't trust him!

Just relax. Sheldon's gonna be all the way over here, and you two are gonna work things out.

I'll come back and check on you.

(dramatic music playing)

(scoffs) You're just a toy.

I'm not scared.

Whoa!

Close enough, tough guy!

Okay. Good.

Deep breath...

Hey, maybe this isn't so bad after all.

Aah! Turtle attack!

Aah!

Ow!

Oh!

No!

Bad turtle! Bad turtle!

(grunts) Dirk! Ow!

(grunts)

(screams)

I thought shock therapy would fix you!

(phone ringing)

Grandma?

You were right.

It was a bad idea.

♪ Hey! ♪

(squawks)

(loud footsteps)

What are those?

Pistachio nuts.

Not those.

Those.

Oh, my pointy boots? (Chuckles)

Forgot I was wearing them.

(western showdown music plays)

Whiteboard Paige: You're tryin' to be more interesting than me, aren't you?

Whiteboard Frankie: That's right, Whiteboard Paige.

Looks like we're about to have an interesting-off.

Tumbleweed.

Oh, hey!

I cartwheel instead of walk now.

I collect Russian nesting dolls now.

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Dirk, did you hear?

There's a grilled cheese truck in Studio C!

What? Grilled cheese app, you are useless!

(bubbling)

I don't get it.

Is the grilled cheese truck behind this giant turtle pond?

(gasps)

(audience gasps)

I finally figured out the best way for you to do the snapping turtle dare.

Just do the dare.

I can't.

You can!

You're DareMeBro, and all these fans showed up to support you!

Right, guys?

(cheers and applause)

Also I told them all there was a grilled cheese truck, so they've already been let down once.

(audience boos)

I'm sorry!

You're right! I'm DareMeBro.

I can't let my fans down.

Here we go! Whoo!

(cheers and applause)

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

Thanks for helping me get over my fear, Bern-man.

I can totally do this!

Great, great.

I'm just gonna get the crowd all warmed up.

Get 'em all excited.

Ladies and gentlemen, this ham is what DareMeBro will look like if he falls in.

(snapping)

Audience: Whoa!

Can't do it, Bern-man. I'm sorry.

Dirk, wait!

(hopeful music plays)

Oh.

Uh... that's all I had.

No! Dirk, wait!

How's this for interesting?

I'm gonna be the girl who dared to do the dare that DareMeBro dared not to do.

No, I'm gonna be the girl who dared to dare the... do the... whatever.

I'm swinging through the stupid turtles.

Let me have this, Frankie!

I need it for the "Draw My Life" more than you do!

No way! My life is way less interesting than yours!

Less interesting? Throwing rocks in my dad's pool was the highlight of my month!

The highlight of my month was cleaning up the rocks!

I went to a fortune teller and she fell asleep!

I read my own diary and I fell asleep!

Well, I go to a stuffy, boring prep school!

Paige, we go to the same school!

Go back!

I can't go back!

Let me go around you!

Aah!

Frankie!

(audience gasps)

(gasps) That sweater's on backorder?

(gasps)

Paige, don't let me fall!

So many great memories.

Dirk, what are you doing?

Quitting, Bern-man.

You tried, but this is a dare I just can't do.

You can't quit.

I have to.

And I want you to have some of my things.

But you're an inspiration to so many viewers.

If you quit the...

Ooh, this is nice.

I can keep this?

I promised my fans I'd be DareMeBro.

Not...

Dare-Me-But-Not-If-It's-Turtles... Bro.

So now, for the last time... here we go.

No. I can't let you do this.

You're an icon, a national hero.

You show people that...

Is this a cape?

I have always wanted a cape!

I mean, uh... your presence... is a hero... something.

I'm sorry, all of this is mine?

And anything else you want in here.

Unless... you really think I should stay.

Nah, seems like you got this all figured out.

Best of luck, old friend.

I can't believe this is how we're gonna die!

Can someone call for help?

I'm on it!

Yes, help, my two friends are...

Hang on, I'm gettin' another call.

Hello?

Yes, this is Amelia.

You do have the sweater?

Sure, I'll hold.

(both scream)

I'm sorry, Frankie.

This is all my fault.

I was afraid you were more interesting than me.

Are you kidding me? You're so funny and weird.

I was afraid you were more interesting than me!

You know what I wish we did more of?

Convince each other that we're more interesting so we never compare ourselves to other people or each other?

Yeah, that, and also pull-ups!

(both scream)

(audience gasps)

(screams)

This cape's working already!

I'm coming for you, chick-dudes!

Here we go!

(heroic music plays)

Hey!

There aren't any turtles in here!

You're right!

Yeah, um, about the snapping turtles... they're really expensive.

So, I just used an air hose to create a terrifying simulation.

Vuuuglers: What?

Either way, I'm proud of you, Dirk.

Conquered your fear.

I guess I did, didn't I?

And all because I jumped in without thinking.

I guess the lesson is, "Think less."

Wait, if there aren't any turtles in here, then how'd that ham get ripped apart?

Oh, easy.

I just put a baby tiger shark in the tank.

All: What?

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Hey, guys!

Hi!

We're Bizaardvark, and we're excited to show you our "Draw My Life."

(mimics echo) Life-life-life.

Paige: All my life, I've felt like an outsider.

Frankie: So did I.

Is that supposed to be you?

Fine, you draw the rest.

Frankie and I met in music class.

I liked Paige right away 'cause she said, "How funny would it be if we smashed our guitars right now?"

And I liked Frankie 'cause she did it.

(electric guitar smashing)

So, after we got kicked out of the orchestra, we started making videos together.

And "Bizaardvark!" was formed!

Power chord!

(electric guitar power chord)

Sorry, had to get that in.

And now I get to spend every day laughing with the most interesting person I know.

Aww! That's how I feel about you!

And you see this blank space on the whiteboard?

That's for all the cool stuff we're gonna do together.

Also, for a while, I had really pointy boots.

Bizaardvark.