01x04 - Superfan

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

"I heart Vark."

Who's Vark? (Gasps)

Are you crushing on that new German exchange student?

(bad German accent) Paige, vould you like to go zee movies vith me?

You vill have popped corn!

We're Vark. As in "Bizaardvark."

Someone made a fan page for us.

(gasps)

Ooh! And they turned us into puppets!

Puppets: ♪ Bizaardvark! ♪
♪ We like to keep it weird! ♪
♪ We make crazy videos ♪
♪ And we look good in a beard! ♪

Cool, I play the keyboard with my face!

Click on "About Me" and see who made the page for us.

"Hi, I'm Belissa from Omaha, Nebraska, and the only thing I love more than Bizaardvark is... nothing."

Wow, not even ice cream?

That's hardcore.

I can't believe it.

Frankie, we have our first real super fan.

I guess we can throw that away now.

(chuckles)

That was a stupid purchase.

We should write this Belissa girl a thank-you note in the comment section.

I have a better idea.

One, two, three, four!

Both: ♪ Thank you, Belissa ♪
♪ Thank you, Belissa ♪
♪ If that's a typo, then thank you, Melissa ♪

(screams)

Paige and Frankie! Paige and Frankie!

Paige and Frankie!

Paige and Frankie! Paige and Frankie!

Paige and Frankie! Paige and Frankie! Paige and Frankie!

Paige and Frankie! Paige and Frankie!

(quivers)

I'm their best friend!

(theme music playing)

Both: ♪ You could spend all day ♪
♪ On a swing eating a baguette ♪
♪ But why do boring things like that ♪
♪ When there's the Internet? ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
♪ Hey! Hey! ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares ♪
♪ Saying, "Here we go" ♪

Here we go!

♪ He'll do anything you want ♪
♪ Just don't try this at home ♪
♪ Or watch Amelia teaching ya ♪
♪ How to look your best ♪
♪ Making over people is her never-ending quest ♪
♪ You could watch... ♪

Do you have constant foot odor?

♪ You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos ♪
♪ Like the one with evil pop-up books ♪
♪ That punch you in the nose ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
♪ Hey! Hey! ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

And I... I missed it.

Frankie! Frankie! Check it out!

Our super fan sent us a ton of thank-you notes.

"Paige, you are talented and endlessly fascinating."

Ah, she just gets me.

There are hundreds of notes here.

Don't you think that's a little much?

She also sent us chocolates.

(sighs) She just gets me.

You always remember your first super fan.

Mine was Mii... scoo... brii...

You don't even remember his name?

Yeah, I do. It's Miiscoobrii.

He's from Malaysia.

My first super fan was so wonderful, I made him my assistant.

And now, he gets to do important things with his life.

Angelo, water spritzer.

Can you believe this silly goose was in his third year of medical school before I rescued him?

(phone rings)

Oh, sorry. Gotta take this.

Miiscoobrii!

Apa khabar, bro!

Girls! Girls!

I've got big news!

Drum roll, please.

No? We're not doing that? Okay.

I booked Bizaardvark your first live gig!

You'll be playing two nights at the Brewhaha Cafe!

A live show? Like in front of live people?

You know that's our dream!

Both: Bizaardvark Live!

Ooh, the hand thing is new.

I like it. Got goosebumps.

Bernie, how'd you get us this gig?

Please. Bernie Schotz knows how to play hardball.

Please! I'm just a little boy!

Please! Please, please, please!

Yeah.

Look at us.

A fan page, your first live gig, a handsome agent.

I am feeling good about life.

(ding)

Man on PA: Bernie Schotz, your grandma's here.

Grandma Schotz: Bernard, it's Grandma.

I have those high-fiber muffins.

You need to make bathroom.

I don't need fiber.

I choose fiber.

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Thanks for dropping by, Grandma.

See you at home. Bye.

You trying to get rid of me?

Who are you, my third husband?

I want a tour of the place where you work.

A tour?

I wish I could, but I've got... contracts to sign.

My assistant Janice.

Really?

Yeah! And I've also got to set up meetings with my new client... uh, Janice.

Spells it like a man would.

Bernard Miriam Schotz, you're not fooling anyone.

You told me you were a big deal around here.

Just once I'd like to brag about my grandson to those stuck up broads in Speed Walking Club.

Bernie!

Thanks again for helping me with my Perfectly Perfect Skin Care video.

I told you we'd get rid of all those whiteheads.

Boop!

Oh, now I understand the charade.

You have a girlfriend.

Now that is something I can brag about.

Girlfriend?

Amelia's not... just my girlfriend.

She's my everything.

So now you've seen it all.

What?

Let's go.

Oh, who's this?

I didn't know it was Bring Your Daughter To Work Day.

Oh.

Dirk, this is my grandma.

Hey, you're DareMeBro.

Bernard just showed me the video where someone dared you to play basketball on the wing of a plane.

You're very stupid.

Aww.

Thanks for watching.

Hey, Bernie, you know what?

You should invite your grandma to the Bizaardvark show this weekend.

I'm going, Amelia's going...

No, I don't think my grandma can.

I'd love to!

It'll give me a chance to get to know this Amelia girl.

Great.

I guess we all need to get to know Amelia a little better.

Come on, Grandma. I'll give you a tour of Vuuugle.

What up, Janice?

(knock on door)

Mom, we're rehearsing!

It's not your mom! It's your biggest fan Belissa!

Surprise!

Both: Belissa?

I'm in Frankie from Bizaardvark's bedroom.

I have to touch everything.

Frankie's bed. Frankie's pillow.

Frankie's floor!

Frankie's hat!

(sniffs)

No, that's Paige's.

Uh... wait, you came all the way from Nebraska just to see our show?

No! That would be crazy.

I moved here all the way from Nebraska to be closer to you!

(sniffs)

Your hair smells like rainbows.

So, uh, Belissa... you moved here?

Did your dad apply for a new job or something?

Sort of.

I applied for him and also sold our house.

(shrill laugh)

What's with the measuring?

I want my new room to be an exact replica of yours.

That way when you come over, you'll be like, "I don't know if I'm at my house or Belissa's house. Oh well, I'll just stay forever!"

(laughs)

So which side of the bed is mine?

Doesn't matter. I can watch you sleep from either side.

What is going on?

I don't know, but we need to get this girl out of here so we can practice for our gig.

Also, remind me to change my sheets.

Okay.

But be nice. She's our first super fan.

Okay.

Okay, Belissa, it's been really fun, but we kind of need to rehearse for...

Bizaardvark Live!

How'd she know about the hand thing?

How'd she get in my pajamas?

(gasps)

I want to watch Bizaardvark rehearse.

Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse!

Okay, guess we're doing this.

This is a new song we wrote.

It's about the worst weekend of my life.

(laughs)

Anyway... it's about the time I got dragged on a camping trip with my family while my friends were at home having fun.

It's called Untitled Resentment Song.

♪ We're all playing laser tag ♪
♪ I got bugs in my sleeping bag ♪
♪ We're all headed to a party ♪
♪ My dad's tent is really farty ♪
♪ We're all dancing at the prom ♪

A bear just ate my mom.

This is awesome!

I'm gonna go grab my bassoon so we can jam together!

Yes!

And locked.

For the show tonight, I'm thinking we start off with something high energy.

What if we open with We're Feeling Meh?

We'll figure out the set list later.

I can't even concentrate.

I'm so pumped for our show!

Me too!

(screams)

Belissa, you enrolled in our school?

Yup. I even stayed back a grade so I could be in your class!

Also, I was scanning your school records and noticed you're having trouble in some of your classes.

So, I put a little gift in your backpack.

"I stole the answers to every test."

(clears throat)

I can't believe we both got detention.

(whispers) I didn't get detention.

So let me get this straight.

Your grandma's coming to the show, and she thinks Amelia is your girlfriend?

Right.

So, you need to trick your grandma into thinking you're on a date with Amelia.

But Amelia can't know she's on a fake date with you to trick your grandma.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

It's like that movie.

Which movie?

The one I'm gonna write about us when we pull this off.

Thanks for helping me.

Just once, I want my grandma to be proud of me for something.

No sweat, Bern-man.

All it's gonna take is a little pretending, and I'm great at that.

I once got dared to pretend I was a crane operator.

Okay, so we're gonna use that crane parked out front.

Just give me like five seconds to learn some basic moves and then come out with the camera, okay?

Here we go!

(crane operating)

(crash)

That's a wrap!

Okay, bad example.

But I can still give you some tips to help with Amelia.

Like the tea trick.

You offer to buy Amelia tea, and ask her if she wants honey or sugar.

That just sounds like I'm out three bucks for tea.

No, when she answers, it'll sound like she's calling you "honey" or "sugar."

Let's act it out. I'll be Amelia.

(imitates Amelia) I'd love some tea.

Oh, great. Would you like sugar or...

What was the other one?

Honey.

Right.

Would you like honey or tea?

I mean honey.

I mean... what was it?

Okay, too advanced.

Here's another trick.

Challenge Amelia to a staring contest.

That way, it'll look like you guys can't keep your eyes off of each other.

(imitates Amelia) Let's practice, y'all!

What's with the tongue?

Oh, sorry.

But open your eyes.

Tongue.

Eyes open.

To... no, together.

Have you seen a doctor about that?

A whole team.

Your girlfriend doesn't talk to you much.

Yeah, she's shy.

In fact, she might not talk to me all night.

That's strange.

What romance isn't?

Frankie, the house is packed!

If we bomb this show, it'll be the end of Bizaardvark and no one will listen to our music ever again!

Paige, you're doing that thing where you get really nervous and talk in extremes.

You're right. We're gonna have a great show!

Everyone's gonna love us, and by tomorrow, we'll have a billion fans!

Wow, when your pendulum swings, it swings hard.

You're right. We got this.

Slow motion dance party.

Both: Whoooooa!

Whaaat's up?

Aah!

Belissa!

Where'd you come from?

Omaha! I moved here to be closer to my besties...

We know.

But here's a crazy idea.

No offense.

Wouldn't you be more comfortable in the audience?

Okay! Break a leg!

Look at you two.

You can't take your eyes off each other.

I'll leave you lovebirds alone.

Did she say lovebirds?

No, she said... glove nerds.

No more questions.

What is going on and... why are we having so many staring contests?

(gasps)

Are you pretending we're on a fake date to trick your grandma?

How did you know?

I know how a fake date works.

I'm on three right now.

Please don't tell my grandma.

You don't know what it's like to live with her.

I can never do anything right.

This is my first chance to make her proud of me.

Wow, Bernie.

It's like you exfoliated your soul and the truth came out.

I did what?

Is that good?

You know how I love to help the less fortunate.

So, I'll do it.

I'll be your pretend girlfriend.

Thank you! And don't worry, you only have to pretend for tonight.

Good news. I invited Granny to tomorrow night's show, and she is totally down.

She is one cool granny, bro.

You can't help me out one time?

Hey, guys! I'm Paige!

I'm Frankie...

Both: And this is Bizaardvark Live!

(applause)

I'm their agent!

Sit down, Bernie.

We're gonna start off with a new song.

It's called Getting Dragged on a Camping Trip with Your Family While Your Friends are at Home Having Fun.

It's a working title.

(guitar strumming)

♪ We're all playing laser tag ♪
♪ I got bugs in my sleeping bag ♪
♪ We're all headed to a party ♪
♪ My dad's tent... ♪
♪ Is very farty! ♪

(laughs) Hilarious!

We love our fans! Right, Paige?

We sure do!

♪ We're all dancing at the prom ♪

A bear just ate my mom!

(audience groans)

Okay, we're having technical difficulties.

We will be right back with you.

(audience groans)

Belissa, you're not helping.

Oh.

Okay.

Sorry.

That was easy.

Yeah.

And we're back!

(audience cheers)

Yeah! That's what we're talking about!

This is the song that started it all for us at Vuuugle.

It's called The Comeback Song.

(audience cheers)

(music starts)

Yo... no, you didn't!

It's Paige and Frankie!

♪ Sittin' in science class ♪
♪ I'm minding my own business... ♪

Bassoon solo!

(bassoon plays off-rhythm)

(audience groans)

I'm helping.

Okay, we need a five, people.

Belissa, what are you doing?

You're ruining our show!

What? No! The show's a huge hit.

Girls, this show's a disaster!

I'm canceling tonight, and I don't think you should come back tomorrow either.

Here's some coupons for half-off a large decaf chai latte.

What? No! You can't cancel our shows!

Belissa, this is all your fault.

Tonight was supposed to be the start of Bizaardvark Live and you ruined it.

Yeah. How can we do Bizaardvark Live if we can't even do one show live?

I didn't mean to do anything wrong.

I'm your biggest fan.

Not anymore.

I'm sorry, Belissa, but we don't want you as our super fan anymore.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

All I ever wanted to do was meet my idols.

I guess I don't need this anymore.

Wait, is this my hair?

Yup.

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Yeah!

There they are!

So good news and bad news.

The bad news is, well, you, but the good news is Amelia said she'd pretend to be my girlfriend for another night, so you win some, you lose some.

Sorry, Bernie. There's not gonna be another night.

The owner just canceled tomorrow's show.

What?

He can't treat my clients like that.

I'll handle this. Wait here.

Oh, and cover your ears.

Bernie's gonna use some colorful language.

Please, please, please!

I'm just a kid with a fake girlfriend!

Cafe Owner: All right, I'll give them another night.

Just stop begging! It's sad!

If you're gonna be my pretend boyfriend, you have to look like my real boyfriend.

Yay makeover!

These pants are really tight.

I can barely feel my legs.

Wait, you can still feel them?

Angelo, tighter.

(grunts)

Your teeth aren't as shiny as they could be.

(grunts)

I'll get the tile cleaner.

Tile cleaner?

How do you feel about body spray?

I'm actually not a big fan of...

(strained) body spray.

Why are you walking like that?

This suit is too tight. I can barely move.

Wait until you see your outfit for tomorrow.

Two words: Span. Dex.

What do you mean tomorrow?

I thought this was just for tonight.

I'm really liking this fake boyfriend thing.

It's all the fun of fixing someone without the work of having a boyfriend.

Okay, that's it.

I can't do this anymore.

We're over.

You're breaking up with me?

You're breaking up with her?

Look, Amelia... you're a good kid.

And I'm sure one day, you'll find someone as smooth and cool as me.

(seams ripping)

Oh, I just ripped my pants.

Oh man, that was emotional.

What, your fake breakup with your fake girlfriend?

You knew?

Bernie, please, I may not be allowed to drive at night anymore, but I'm not blind.

Sorry.

I was just trying to find one thing to make you proud of me.

Bernard, you lied, you pretended, you manipulated people just to impress me.

You're a real Schotz.

I couldn't be more proud.

Really? Thanks, Grandma!

Now go fix your pants. I can see things.

Hey, you guys ready to play?

We sure are!

Thanks for giving us another chance.

We won't let you down.

I hope not.

You got another full house.

That promoter of yours really hustled for you.

Promoter?

That bassoon girl.

She's been promoting your shows all week.

She knocked on doors, passed out flyers, she even painted my house.

I didn't ask her to, but she did.

Belissa did all of this for us and we got rid of her?

We have to fix this right now.

What about the show?

What about playing for billions of fans all over the world?

If we can't appreciate one super fan, then we don't deserve to have a billion fans.

Hey! Where are you going?

Who's gonna do the show?

I got this.

I've been working on my stand-up comedy.

Ahem.

Anyone here tonight with their fake girlfriend?

♪ Hey! ♪

(knock on door)

Come in.

(door opens)

Belissa, we're really sorry to bother you at home, but we want to apologize and...

Oh, my gosh, she actually did it!

This room is exactly like mine!

That's impressive!

Scary, but impressive!

Even the inside of the drawers are the same.

Well, you might not know this, but... there was a time when I was a really big Bizaardvark fan.

(whispers) Not anymore.

We know, and we feel really bad about what we did.

So, we wrote a song about how we both miss our biggest fan.

Yes, it's you, Belissa, the only other person in this room.

♪ We miss you cutting off our hair ♪
♪ And taking it to keep ♪
♪ We miss you looking in our windows ♪
♪ Watching as we sleep ♪
♪ We miss you going through our trash ♪
♪ On every garbage day ♪
♪ We miss your plan to clone us both ♪
♪ We're sure it's on its way ♪

Both: ♪ Oh, Belissa ♪
♪ Your love is just enough ♪
♪ Oh, Belissa ♪
♪ Keep buying us cool stuff ♪
♪ Oh, Belissa ♪
♪ We hope you don't stay mad ♪
♪ Oh, Belissa ♪
♪ Stop getting new jobs for your dad ♪
♪ Forgive us please ♪

I could never stay mad at you.

Forgiveness hug!

(snip)

(giggles)

Wait, did she just cut my hair?

Huh. The girl is quick with scissors.

Okay, Belissa, we have to run back to the show.

Do you want to come?

Really?

Yeah. We can't do our first show without our super fan there.

Can I bring my bassoon?

No, you may not.

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪