01x19 - Paige's Birthday Is Gonna Be Great

Attention, please! We're about to draw the winning raffle ticket.

Remember, the student whose name I draw gets a day off from school.

For some reason.

(squeals)

I'm gonna win, Frankie!

And the winner gets to take a friend!

Wonder which friend I should take.

Hm, which one, which one...

Don't worry, I was gonna take you all along!

(laughs)

Will you calm down? You're shaking Theo.

Now I know what an electron feels like when it's exposed to thermal energy.

(laughter)

Let me just shake these up a little to build the impression of anticipation.

(screams)

Maybe you shouldn't get your hopes up too much just in case you don't win?

Oh, I know I'm gonna win because the day off is also on my birthday.

Got it all planned.

First, we'll go to the zoo, and I'll get in for free since it's my birthday, and then we'll go get ice cream, which I'll get for free since it's my birthday, and then we'll go to the movies, and I'll get in for free 'cause you're buying!

It's gonna be great!

And the winner is...

(screams)

Theo Appleman.

(screams, groans)

I'm sorry, Paige.

At least there'll be one less lame kid here on your birthday.

I'm gonna use my day off to go to school!

(cheers and applause)

Both: Seriously?

Both: ♪ You could spend all day ♪
♪ On a swing eating a baguette ♪
♪ But why do boring things like that ♪
♪ When there's the Internet? ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
♪ Hey! Hey! ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares ♪
♪ Saying, "Here we go" ♪

Here we go!

♪ He'll do anything you want ♪
♪ Just don't try this at home ♪
♪ Or watch Amelia teaching ya ♪
♪ How to look your best ♪
♪ Making over people is her never-ending quest ♪
♪ You could watch... ♪

Do you have constant foot odor?

♪ You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos ♪
♪ Like the one with evil pop-up books ♪
♪ That punch you in the nose ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪
♪ Hey! Hey! ♪
♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

And I... I missed it.

Paige, our PE teacher was wrong!

I am athletic!

How are you in a good mood?

Aren't you bummed we didn't win the raffle?

No, 'cause I never thought we would.

I didn't even enter the raffle.

No expectations, no disappointment.

(sighs)

I wish I could be like that.

I had a feeling you'd say that, which is why I set up a presentation.

Just give me 57 hours to break the world Hula-Hoop record.

All right, we can do it now.

(sighs)

Over the years, I've noticed a pattern.

Whenever you really want something, you get your hopes up, say, "It's gonna be great!" and get really disappointed when things don't meet your expectations.

I don't do that.

Paige, if you didn't do that, would I have set up a whole presentation?

Look, here you are leaving for Space Camp last summer.

I'll get to wear a spacesuit, and they're gonna pick me for a mission, and I'll be the first woman on Mars!

It's gonna be great!

And here you are after you came home.

Turns out it wasn't Space Camp.

It was Spice Camp.

(sighs)

Ugh, I can still taste the paprika.

If you want to avoid disappointment, you have to stop getting so excited about everything.

Like me.

I wanted to go to Keyboard Camp, but I assumed my dad would say no, so I just downloaded a terrible movie called Keyboard Camp instead.

Man: The thing about Keyboard Camp, Brandon, is when you're friends here, you're friends for life.

(keyboard music plays)

I wouldn't be friends with any of these people.

I can do that.

If I never get my hopes up, I'll never be disappointed again.

This is gonna be great!

Or?

Or it's gonna be whatever.

I have zero expectations. This will work out in any way.

That's my girl!

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Okay, people, Liam said we need to clean up the place, so we've all gotta do our share.

Uh, Bagpipe Ninja, you're in charge of bathrooms.

Horse Face Guy, dusting.

Love your attitude.

Uh, Twin and Spin Channel, floors.

Great.

Remind me later which one of you I went on a date with last week.

The rest of you know your assignments.

Let's clean, people!

So... what do you want us to do?

Yeah. We're two strong helper tigers ready to prowl.

(both growl)

Yeah.

Um...

Here's a job for you.

That wall over there was just painted.

Why don't you watch it dry?

We're on it!

Do people here think we're useless?

What do you mean?

It's just, we never get asked to do anything important.

It always seems like the crowd parts and we're the only two left.

No way, man!

We're two reliable guys.

Oh, shoot! Uh...

Quick, uh, smooth out the smudge!

Is that peanut butter?

Why do you have peanut butter on your hands?

Sometimes I need a snack on the go!

Ah...

What removes peanut butter?

Bread!

Yeah, bread!

Wait. What?

Ah, now there's crusts in the wall!

Why do you have bread in your pockets?

For the peanut butter, dude!

Technically, we did what Amelia said, right?

Yeah, man.

We're two reliable guys.

Hey, for your birthday lunch, you want grilled cheese or pizza?

Meh, what's the difference?

They're both just cheese and bread.

Just cheese and bread?

That's like 99% of our diet.

Whatever.

I'm canceling my birthday anyway.

What? You can't cancel your birthday!

Why not?

I thought more about what you said, and you're right.

Never get your hopes up, and you'll never get disappointed.

Yeah, but your birthday!

Who cares?

If I'm not supposed to get excited, what's the point of doing anything at all?

No, no, don't slump to the floor!

(groans)

Oh, what have I done, what have I done?

Um...

Okay, I didn't want to tell you this, but...

I'm already throwing you a surprise party!

You are?

Yup! And it's... gonna be great!

The... the lounge will be decorated, we'll... we'll have music, and we'll have that... cake you've always dreamed of.

A sideways cake?

Might only be funny to us, but yes!

Wow.

This party sounds amazing.

And... and you invited everybody?

Uh-huh. Everybody you could possibly want.

Even, like, my most favorite person in the entire world?

Oh, yeah, she'll be there.

Aah!

Lilly Singh is coming to my party?

Yup...

Meg... mega celebrity Lilly Singh.

That... that's who I invited to your party and who also said yes.

(screams)

I really thought her favorite person in the world was me.

I want to thank you all for coming here on short notice to help me throw Paige the best birthday party ever.

(cheers and applause)

Uh, also I wanna apologize for promising a free brunch that I never intended to provide.

(groaning)

Shouldn't have gotten your hopes up.

Okay, the party's tonight and it has to be perfect or Paige will be so let down, she may never get excited about anything ever again.

Ugh, how melodramatic.

That's like, the worst quality ever.

I mean, I could literally die just thinking about it.

Uh, Horse Face Guy and "Will it Melt?" Girl, you're on decorations.

Bagpipe Ninja, you handle music.

Amelia, I need you to make this.

Amelia: What is that?

It's a sideways cake.

Sideways?

More like no ways!

Amelia, please. Paige needs this.

Um, I'll find Lilly Singh.

Somehow.

Go! Go work! It's gonna be great!

So... what do you want us to do?

Yeah. We're two strong helper tigers ready to prowl.

(both growl)

Yeah...

We want to do something important.

Uh, okay.

Uh... here's 20 bucks.

You guys can get ice.

We will get you that ice!

Yeah, 'cause we're two reliable guys!

You, uh... gave us a broken $20 bill.

Paige is gonna have the best birthday ever when she sees all this ice.

Well... this isn't good.

I think I know where we messed up.

Was it the back-to-back hot yoga classes we took right after buying the ice?

No, man.

We just didn't buy enough ice.

We need backup ice to keep the party ice cold.

Dirk, can I tell you somethin'?

Yeah, man. What's up?

We're a great team.

Totally.

Ugh, I've been on hold with Lilly Singh's assistant for two hours!

(phone beeps)

Aah! I just hung up with my face!

What are you doing, "Will it Melt?" Girl?

Everyone knows decorations melt!

You don't always have to be on!

Paige! You're not supposed to be here.

The party's not till tonight.

I know. I'm sorry, I was just so excited to show you this new dress I bought for my party.

I spent all my money on it.

Oh, man.

Hey, when you're getting ready for the best night of your life, why not?

Sure, why not?

Oh, yeah, sorry, we got disconnected.

Who are you talking to?

Uh... uh, it's... the magician.

There's gonna be a magician at my party too?

Sure, why not?

(squeals)

You're the best, Frankie!

Ugh. Forget the decorations.

I need you to learn close-up magic by tonight.

Not gonna cut it!

We need to talk about the sideways cake.

I can't do it.

This whole issue of asymmetrical baked goods is by definition... imperfect.

Don't do this to me, Amelia.

I'm trying to help my friend, not give up on life.

Oh, more melodrama?

Why can't you stop it, Frankie?

Why can't you stop it?

(groans)

Don't worry.

I came up with some other ideas that I think will work just as well.

Here's a cake with the word "sideways" on it.

No.

Here's a cake I baked while I was angled sideways.

No!

Okay, what if I hire a construction crew to rebuild Vuuugle on its side so everyone can eat cake sideways?

It'll only cost $32 million.

Here are some rough sketches.

Just make the sideways cake, Amelia!

I can see the cards! Work on it!

This is bad, man.

The outer ice is melting too quickly to keep the inner ice frozen!

Maybe we should just wait until right before the party starts, then bring in more ice.

Are you crazy?!

We can't wait until the last minute.

People would think we're unreliable.

You're right.

Oh! No!

We got a code wet!

The inner ice is melting!

We need fresh outer ice!

Aah!

I twisted my ankle! I need ice!

No, Bernie! We can't spare any!

We need someone in my studio to make sure the ice doesn't melt!

Bless you, "Will it Melt?" Girl.

Bless you.

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

I need an update on that cake, Amelia...

Oh, gosh!

Cakes go right-side up.

Cakes go right-side up.

Amelia...

Amelia, stay with me.

I need that sideways cake!

Cake, cake, cake.

I'll bake some more.

Top to the ceiling.

Bottom to the floor.

Cake, cake, cake.

I'll bake some more.

Lilly Singh: Hello?

Finally! Lilly, hi!

Hello, room service.

Yeah, I'll take a Château Hollywood Special.

Ooh, and a sundae with extra hot fudge.

Room 1410. Thanks.

No! Lilly Singh, wait! I need you to help me...

(dial tone)

...save Paige.

Frankie, great news!

I found the perfect shoes to go with my dress!

In order to afford them, I had to sell my...

Hold on. Um... before you say anything, I've got some bad news about the party.

It's not happening, is it?

(sighs)

I knew it.

No, no, not the floor, not the floor!

Um, uh, the... the bad news is you will never have a party this great again.

(squeals)

Oh, you're the best friend ever!

Amelia, pull yourself together!

We're going to Lilly Singh's hotel and we're gonna convince her to come to Paige's party!

But how? She's crazy famous.

We don't have a plan and the party's in three hours.

It's gonna be great!

All right, Lilly Singh's room is right down there.

Let's go.

Wait.

Lilly and I are both big Internet stars, so let me do all the talkin'.

Okay, but sometimes you make things all about you, so remember why we're here.

Right.

To invite Lilly to my party.

Okay, I'll do some of the talking.

So I bet you're wondering why we followed Amelia and Frankie to this hotel.

Eh, not really.

You follow Amelia from a distance a lot.

We've all just stopped asking questions.

Probably for the best.

When I was young, my grandma used to send me to a hotel on the weekend so she could "remember what joy felt like."

At that hotel was a machine that never stopped dispensing ice.

Wait. It always had ice?

Like magic?

No. Magic is silly.

It's 'cause all hotels are built on ice wells that shoot up ice from under the ground.

It's called science.

Bernie, can I tell you something?

Yeah, man. What's up?

You're really smart.

(gasps)

This is the day our lives change forever.

(button beeping)

(ice clattering)

(exhales)

Hi, I'm Amelia.

You know, from the Internet.

Oh! Good!

Are you here to fix the Wi-Fi?

Yeah, it's been whack all day.

(laughs dryly)

Lilly Singh, wow! It's so great to meet you.

I... I'm Frankie. We're from Vuuugle, and... and we have a proposition for you.

Yeah, I'd love to hear it, but I'm super exhausted, so unless you're here to, like, offer me a role in a big movie or somethin', I'm gonna crash.

Um... we're here to offer you a big part in a movie.

I'm listening.

Frankie: Yeah.

It's a Vuuugle movie called...

Paige's Birthday Party.

Never heard of it. Let me call my agent.

Oh, no, no, no, you don't need to call your agent.

It's... No, you...

Hey, Debbee!

It's Lilly. You're fired.

So what's this movie about?

It's about a girl named Paige who's having a birthday party.

She's the sweetest girl in the world and... and the best friend anyone could ask for, but... her dumb friend Frankie messes up and makes a huge promise she's afraid she can't pull off.

If she can't, she's worried Paige will be emotionally destroyed forever!

Can I play Frankie?

She sounds like a total nutjob.

No, you play Lilly. Lilly Singh.

Uh, and I'll play equally famous star Amelia Duckworth, who Cyber Scoop Magazine once called "confusingly popular."

Can I see a script?

Uh, we don't have a script.

Um, 'cause it's all improv!

Awesome!

Oh, I can do tons of improv.

Like check this out, what if my parents also come to the party, and my mom walks in, and she's all like, "This party's so dirty," and then my dad walks in, he's all like, "Time to party"?

No, I told Paige you'd be Lilly Singh.

Um, no, no, the character of Paige.

That's who I told. I... I get really close to the characters that I write... in the script that I do not have.

Oh...

Listen, I... I don't know what's going on here, but I know what's not going on, and that's a movie.

No, no, you don't understand, Lilly.

No, I... I think I do understand.

Listen, I'm sorry, but you should leave.

I don't know who you are either.

(shutter clicks)

Can you text this to me, please?

(Muzak playing)

This party is officially a disaster.

Everybody freeze!

'Cause we're about to put this party on ice.

Prepare to witness our reliability.

We give you ice!

Both: Nooooo!

Paige!

Hi!

Frankie, look, I did my hair special for Lilly.

Do you like it?

Yeah, I love it! Um...

Okay, uh, listen, I... I really tried to give you the perfect birthday.

Unfortunately...

(doors opening)

It's all here.

All: Happy birthday!

Oh, my gosh!

Wait, why did you say "unfortunately"?

Happy birthday! Go.

Lilly Singh! Wow!

I... I'm Paige! I'm your biggest fan!

She likes me a lot too.

Happy birthday, Paige.

I'm Paige!

Lilly Singh said happy birthday to me!

Okay, Paige. Calm down.

By the way, I watched your videos.

You girls are really funny.

(screams)

I mean, cool. Whatever.

Paige: Oh, I'll be right back.

You came. Why?

Well, after you left, I saw a post online from a girl named Paige that said, "I can't wait to meet Lilly Singh tonight at my birthday party."

I'm sorry I lied to you.

That's cool.

You should have just told me the truth.

I mean, I'd do anything for a fan.

Well, thanks. You've definitely made this Paige's best birthday ever.

(laughter)

Wait, I recognize you!

Finally!

Horse Face Guy!

(whispers)

(screams)

(shutter clicks)

Wow, Frankie. This party's amazing.

How'd you get it all done?

I don't know. I guess I just... never gave up and kept telling myself that it was gonna be great.

And it is.

Which is kind of what you do.

Hey, Paige, you ready to take a trip to Unicorn Island?

If that means dance party, then I'm in!

(dance music plays)

Well, I guess we should get this thing back to the hotel.

Man, I'm sweating.

Does anybody have some water?

Both: We got this!

Thanks, guys.

(rock music playing)

♪ Two reliable guys! ♪
♪ They didn't get ice, but they came through anyway! ♪
♪ Two reliable guys! ♪
♪ They can do anything unless there's paint! ♪