01x02 - A Trusty Steed

Woman (on PA): Good morning, students.

Today's lunch options will be Salisbury steak or pepperoni pizza.

The Magic Club will be meeting in 109 today.

Java, Java.

Just like you like it, two creams and four sugars.

Oh! Well, thank you, Mr. Russell.

You're gonna spoil me up in here.

Woman (on PA): It's not too late to sign up for...

(WOMAN ON PA CONTINUES)

♪ ♪

Two creams and four sugars my ass.

She doesn't need coffee.

She needs a f*cking colon cleanse.

(RUSSELL SIGHS)

Goddamn it. Is it 7:45?

'Cause my watch says 7:51 to me.

Bitch needed a coffee.

We need to be coordinated on all fronts.

All right? If we set a meet, you show up at the goddamn meet time.

All right! I f*ckin' heard you!

Shut the f*ck up!

You shut the f*ck up.

Here, check this.

All the information I was able to gather on Dumpus Maximus.

Personal data, government documents, financial papers.

You put this together yourself?

Yes, m*therf*cker.

I have one on everybody in this school.

You better not have one on me.

(SCOFFS)

(BOOK CLOSES)

I processed the information. Now destroy it.

Bullshit.

I have a photographic memory.

I've retained the pertinent informations and discarded the rest.

Well, did you memorize the part about her firing every other vice principal she's ever worked with?

W... where did it say that?

Page one!

Dumb-ass.

At the last three schools she's taken over, she cleared out the front office and replaced them.

sh1t.

(SIGHS) What do we do?

It means we gotta play nice.

Means we can't be f*cking idiots.

Now, this woman will fire you and me and anybody else she doesn't like.

And don't make it easy on her. Keep your head down.

Start playing the f*cking game.

Then what?

"Then what" what?

Then who seizes power, you or me?

When we shit-can this bitch, it's every m*therf*cker for himself.

This is a temporary alliance.

To be honest, Gamby, I still think you're a f*cking dipshit.

Well, I think you're a f*cking dipshit too.

You're a f*cking dummy.

I think your tie sucks.

I think you're stupid and your face is ridiculous to me.

Bushy-ass mustache wearing m*therf*cker.

f*ck your face. f*ck your butt.

The point is...

I can't destroy her all alone.

Psh. You're goddamn right you can't.

I agree to your terms.

We take the bitch down, then best man wins.

But until then, this is an equal partnership. You hear me?

I call the shots too. Not just you.

Oh, you wanna do it your way.

Write another letter to the goddamn school board.

Yeah, that's right.

You did it your way.

Now, m*therf*cker, we gonna do it mine.

♪ ♪

Go further back.

The f*ck?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

All the grandkids are getting big.

Tracy's quite a looker, just like her grandma.

Oh, get thee behind me, Satan.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Gamby: And there you go, the corrupted file has been deleted.

You're kidding me!

Nope. You're up and running.

All right! You're the master!

Mrs. Libby?

Yes?

I'm still waiting on those attendance reports.

Oh! I... I have them right here, ma'am.

You know what, let me do this.

Do you need any help? Are you okay?

No, I'm fine. Thank you.

I'm okay. Oh, my goodness.

That's all right.

(CLATTERING)

That's all right.

We got it.

Here we are.

Oopsy daisy!

Mm.

(CLATTERING) Oh, my goodness!

Now here... not gonna worry.

There.

I didn't ask you to destroy a forest, did I?

We're a paperless school now, Mrs. Libby.

Oh. Well, yes, Ms. Brown.

It's Dr. Brown.

Dr. Brown.

Mr. Gamby, do you have a moment?

There's someone I'd like you to meet.

Mrs. Libby: Thank you.

(IMITATES DR. BROWN) Dr. Brown.

Dr. Brown.

Mr. Gamby, this is Blythe Sason.

He's an associate of mine.

I've asked him to do an evaluation of the school.

An evaluation?

I just like to know how a school works, who's doing what. It's not that serious.

Okay. Uh, sure.

Is that all?

No, it's not.

Since you get here so early in the morning, do you mind picking up biscuits for the faculty and staff?

I just think it would be a nice gesture to have a warm breakfast waiting for them when they come in.

Does that sound good to you, Mr. Gamby?

I mean, yeah, it sounds good. Sounds great.

Biscuits are a delicious thing to have in the morning, but I don't understand why I'm the one who has to go get biscuits for everybody.

Well, if you know they're delicious, then you do understand why you need to pick them up.

What are you writing down?

Don't worry about him.

So, can I count on you, Mr. Gamby?

Yeah, of course.

You can count on me.

Oh, thank you.

You can put that in your little... whatever you're writing down.

I'll be seeing you around, Mr. Gamby.

I'll be seeing you too, "Sis-son."

"Say-saw."

That's what I said. "Sis-on."

"Say-saw."

Say "Say-saw" right.

Andy: Mr. Gamby.

Oh, stable-master Andy.

How are you?

Hey, uh, where are we on that thing we talked about last week?

I'm... I'm not sure I remember what... what...

What was it, something to do with horses?

It was about you falling behind a little on your stabling fees for Shadowfax.

About $800 behind.

Oh...

Well, what are you suggesting?

Well, I guess I'm suggesting you pay me $800.

Or find a new place to keep your daughter's horse.

Cool, cool.

Okay, that... that's definitely good to know.

I'll, uh... I'm gonna get on that. Uh... but I do have a little bit of time to get... to get the money to you?

Well, I did already give you more time.

I was holding off 'cause you said you were going to get that promotion.

♪ ♪

Did you ever get the promotion?

Mm-hmm.

Yes, I did.

Gamby: I know that driving doesn't come natural for women, but I am impressed at your abilities.

Now put on your signal.

Let's pull to this parking lot here.

Reduce your speed. That's great.

Let's make a slight little wiggle to the left here.

Come into a stop.

And put it into park.

What are we doing at Bojangles'?

You are going inside and getting 12 country ham biscuits, 12 Cajun chicken fillet biscuits, and, uh, one... uh, actually, make it three steak biscuits.

Can I at least get myself a strawberry Welch's?

No, you may not.

This is for faculty and staff only. Go.

Put a rush on it.

It's Bo-time. Let's move.

You're doing really good. Thanks.

I like you better than him.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ ♪

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Dr. Brown: I hope y'all enjoyed Belinda's biscuits, everybody!

New Tuesday tradition right here!

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS) Pump it up!

The way you said that, it kind of sounded like you got the faculty the biscuits.

Well, you got them on my behalf, so I did get them the biscuits.

Well, no. Technically, you didn't get 'em.

I got... Whatever. It doesn't...

You're the boss, so...

Gamby, what do you think of Mrs. Libby?

I think she does a good job.

She's very friendly to people, has a kind voice on the phone.

It's interesting to hear you say that because Blythe Sason actually said she doesn't do a good job.

She comes in about 30 minutes late every day 'cause she's a part of some power-walking group.

What the f*ck is that?

Well, she just likes to stay trim.

I mean, what do you want me to do, talk to her?

I mean, I...

I prefer you just to fire her.

Fire her?

For working on that body?

Doesn't that seem a little extreme?

She's been here since the early '80s.

Then we've given her enough time, haven't we?

(CHUCKLES)

Do it today.

You're lucky to catch me before I got in the ladies room.

The line for that is something you don't give up your place for.

You just want to have a... a seat, Ms. Libby.

Oh.

My pleasure, Neal.

Right here?

Really? You're just gonna sit here?

Fine. I don't care.

Uh... what's going on, Neal?

Are you okay, sweetheart?

Uh... let's just say that I've had, uh, better days than today.

Yeah.

Uh... Ms. Libby, u... unfortunately, I have to, uh, let you know that you are officially... being fired from the front office of the school.

(CHUCKLES)

You're funny. (CHUCKLES)

♪ ♪

I'm fired?

Why?

(WRITING)

Performance.

Uh, there... there are certain people who believe that you aren't very effective in your job at the front desk.

Who decided this? Uh...

Was it Brown?

It was her, wasn't it?

No.

It was everyone.

You've been at that front desk for years, and yet you still don't even know how to run a simple diagnostic check on your computer, you're terrible at emails, you suck at using computers, and that, quite frankly, is unacceptable here.

And so, you just need to get a hold of yourself.

T... You're terminated.

You do not work here anymore.

Well, no!

I can't lose my job.

I love it here.

You will grow to have other things.

I'm sure in time that you won't feel as much of a p... person that has nothing.

I can't believe this.

There's a... a dignified manner in which you can behave right now, and you're choosing not to do that, so please choose to be dignified.

A dignified way?

Oh, my goodness.

I should've known that after 30 plus years of being here...

Mr. Neal Gamby!

Let me help you straighten up your desk because that would be dignified of me, wouldn't it?

Let me help you with that.

While we're at it, why don' t you call my husband, you know, Mr. Libby, and tell him he can't retire - (DIAL TONE) because I have been retired and tell him I'm gonna stop by the thrift store on the way home since we can't shop at the mall anymore?

(SOBS)

I'm fired.

Open or closed?

Closed, Ms. Libby.

Russell: Oh, Jesus Christ, the blood bath begins.

She's got me off my rocker, Gamby.

We gotta act quick.

Now, she's tied up in teacher reviews for the next 72 minutes.

That gives us some time.

Time to do what?

Time to go to that bitch's house and dig up some dirt.

I'll drive.

♪ ♪

Is this where she lives?

What a shit-hole.

This is my house, m*therf*cker!

It's a mid-century sea ranch!

Now, stay here!

I gotta go get somethin'.

It's a classic shit-hole. Hmph.

Goddamn it.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(WOMAN SCREAMING IN KOREAN)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Shut up!

Shut up!

All I hear is gibberish from you! Shut up!

Go back in the house!

Oh, grow up!

No, go back!

Like nails on a chalkboard.

(SCREAMING IN KOREAN)

Go back in the house!

f*ck you!

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

Everything okay?

Go.

Yeah?

Just go.

(SCREAMING IN KOREAN)

So, uh, was that woman your wife?

Don't be asking me personal questions.

We ain't f*ckin' friends, okay?

This is business.

Friends?

I'm not trying to be your friend.

Over here trying to make a f*ckin' friend and we about to do a mission.

You're the one trying to make friends the most.

♪ ♪

(GASPS)

Here's a credit card statement.

We can track her purchases.

This is a waste of time. It's disgusting.

I'm not finding anything except old tampons and empty bottles of cocoa butter.

I think if we want to find some real sh1t, we're gonna have to dig a little deeper.

What are you suggesting?

Oh, you gonna break in?

Bullshit.

f*ck you. No, you're not.

Stop pretending.

You think this is pretending?

(SHATTERING, CLATTERING)

Oh, sh1t!

Gamby...

Bitches first.

(CHUCKLES)

Big whoop.

No dildos, no s*x tapes.

What kind of people have nothing to hide?

Oops.

Knock that sh1t off, Russell. Okay? We're not here to destroy things, We're here for Intel.

You broke the f*ckin' window.

So that we could gain access here. That's it.

Oh, please.

Feels good breaking sh1t.

Pick something. Anything, Gamby.

No.

Anything.

Uh-uh.

No, sir. Okay? No.

Knock that sh1t off, Lee. Okay?

Russell.

Here you go, Neal.

Break this one f*cking coffee mug right here, then we'll go.

This coffee mug is laughing at you.

(LAUGHS)

I bet I don't have a coffee mug like this.

Do you have a coffee mug like this?

"World's best principal."

Where's your f*cking coffee mug, Neal Gamby?

Why does f*cking Belinda Brown deserve to have it?

f*ck this mug!

Whoo! That's what I'm talking about!

Eat sh1t, Belinda Brown!

Did you see that?

You see how it just went everywhere?

f*ck yes, I did.

It was f*ckin' awesome is what it was.

Break something else!

Okay.

What you gonna do? Where you gonna go?

Where you goin'?

Check this. Check this out.

This is her head. Watch this.

Whoo!

That's right!

What else should I f*cking destroy here?

Oh! Pick! Pick it! Whoo!

You wanna take our job?

Whoo! Boom!

Look at that, huh?

Boom!

You wanna take my f*cking job?

Whoo!

Booyah!

Your turn! Your turn!

(CHUCKLES) Me?

Your turn.

You, me, watch this.

What you got, Lee?

What you gonna do? Oh, you're going for the picture.

(CHUCKLES) You going for the Fine Arts Department!

(BLOWS)

You ready? You ready?

You unworthy piece of sh1t!

I will f*cking kill you!

Do it!

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

Whoo!

Aah!

(SCREAMS)

Yes!

(SCREAMS)

Oh!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, watch this!

Watch this!

Watch this.

You ready?

Yes!

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo!

(BOTH SCREAM)

(SIRENS WAIL)

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

(EXPLOSION)

(SIGHS) Let's do it.

Let's do the whole f*ckin' place.

♪ ♪

(SCREAMS)

Yeah!

Yeah!

Dump that fucker!

Yeah!

Yeah!

(SCREAMS)

Booyah!

Whoo!

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

Yeah!

Yeah!

(GRUNTS) Whoo!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(FIRE ALARM BLARES)

Russell, what the f*ck?

I'm burning this fucker down.

We gotta get out of here.

Russell, we gotta get out of here! Go!

sh1t! sh1t!

Oh, sh1t!

f*ck! f*ck!

sh1t!

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck!

sh1t!

f*ck!

Oh, sh1t! Oh, sh1t! f*ck!

Oh, sh1t!

(TIRES SCREECH)

Oh, sh1t. f*ck.

sh1t. f*ck. sh1t.

Oh, f*ck, sh1t.

Oh, sh1t. f*ck.

(TRIES SCREECH)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Mrs. Puquette: Day in, day out, I make Justin a sandwich, and these other boys just go right ahead and smash it.

They're being monsters to him, Mr. Gamby.

Mr. Gamby?

Uh, okay, ma'am, well, I'll... I'll be sure to take care of it.

We won't have to worry about this problem ever again.

Well, you've done a piss-poor job so far.

Are you in charge or discipline or aren't ya?

I mean, who the hell is even running this school?

Dr. Brown: Oh, my gosh!

Oh, Lord! My house is on fire!

(DR. BROWN SOBS)

My house!

My house! My house is on fire!

Oh! Let me go!

No, don't touch me! My house is on fire!

Did she say her house was on fire?

Dr. Brown: It's on fire!

Did who say?

(NEIGHING)

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

(PHONE TRILLING)

Voicemail: You've reached Lee Russell.

Please leave a message. Be well.

(BEEP)

Okay, Lee, I'm not really sure why you're blowing me off, all right?

But you need to call me back as soon as you get this message, you son-of-a-bitch.

This is Neal Gamby.

This is about, uh... to do with stuff at school.

(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING)

Got you a corn, Neal. I'm not hungry.

I didn't ask for that. No thank you, Ray.

We were just talking to that idiot who runs this place.

Andy.

He says that you're $800 behind in stable fees.

Well, there's obviously some sort of processing lag with his computer systems.

Look, it might not matter much anyway, because Janelle's been saying she's not really that into horses anymore.

Yeah.

I haven't heard that.

Yeah, man.

She's actually showing a little interest in motocross.

Yeah.

I've been letting her take my 450 for a spin.

Safely.

(SCOFFS) Dirt bikes?

Yeah.

Look, Ray, please don't do this.

You know horses is my thing.

It's not Ray.

She really wants to do this.

This is about Janelle and what she wants.

And honey, if you want to stay relevant in her life, Son-of-a-bitch. you're gonna get it...

Next up, number 15, - What the...

Janelle Gamby riding Shadowfax.

Gamby: Hey! Hey!

Hey!

You have no right to be here!

Excuse you!

I'm here with my daughter!

Hey! Hey!

How dare you, Blythe!

Mr. Gamby, about those stable fees...

(GRUNTS) Blythe!

Blythe!

Blythe, I know you hear me!

Blythe!

You have no right to be here!

I'm with my daughter!

What the f*ck?

What's wrong with you, man? Are you crazy?

No.

You are!

Staring at me weird!

Everybody saw it!

You better watch out!

You scratched my car, you m*therf*cker!

(MUTTERS)

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

(RADIO CHATTER)

(PHONE TRILLING)

Voicemail: You've reached Lee Russell.

Please leave a message. Be well.

(BEEP)

God dammit.

(IN BAD ACCENT) Yes.

Me see Lee?

Uh, work... work at school with Lee.

To see him?

You're looking for Lee.

Come on in. I'll go get him.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Okay.

Uh, can you take off your shoes?

Yeah.

Are these, uh, heirlooms?

Ancient heirlooms?

(SPEAKING IN KOREAN)

Hmm?

Mm-hmm.

I just... I'm waiting for him. We don't have to talk to each other if you don't want to. I'm fine.

What the f*ck are you doing in my home?

You need to learn how to answer your voicemail.

We need to talk.

(SPEAKING)

Alone.

Mi-Cha!

Christine, take Mi-Cha outside!

She wants tea.

Fine.

Uh... who are these people?

This is my wife Christine, Gamby.

The thirsty woman who resembles a bowl of sh1t rice is her mom Mi-Cha!

Come on.

(SPEAKS)

(SPEAKS)

Come on! I'm gonna get it.

(CONTINUES SPEAKING)

I'm getting it!

(SPEAKS)

I'm getting it!

This is f*cked up, Russell.

This is not what I signed up for.

Oh, please. It's exactly what you signed up for.

What, you think taking this bitch down was gonna be pretty?

Is that what you thought?

No, but I... I thought we'd be doing more things like making her look bad at her job.

Like, school-related sh1t.

Oh, we knocked that bitch down a peg today.

You know what it felt like when we were tearing up all her sh1t.

I saw that look in your eyes, Gamby.

You loved it.

No, I went to a very dark place.

A place I have not been to in a long while.

And it was f*cking beautiful.

I'll be honest, Gamby, I've never had an ounce of respect for you.

I just thought you were the lamest, dumbest person I'd ever met.

Just somebody who was f*cking nothing.

Just someone who needed to spend their whole life on a f*cking treadmill.

A life loser.

Until today.

Today I saw something in that house.

I saw your potential.

Potential.

Like how?

(SIGHS) Look, earlier today, my mother-in-law was all up in my ass 'cause her shower head broke.

She told me I eat pubic hair with pepper paste.

Now, that's about the meanest thing you could say about somebody in Korean.

But did I get all mad?

No.

(GLASS CLINKS)

I do this.

(SPITS)

Excuse me.

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

Oh.

Now I f*cking own her.

That's who I am.

And that's the kind of potential I see in you as well.

Since we're partners, it's only fair you get your share.

The f*ck is this?

Those are real f*ckin' diamonds set in a brooch.

Where'd you get this?

Where you think I f*cking got it?

Fat Albert's clubhouse.

Just lined my pockets. Every single one I had.

Just took whatever it is I wanted to.

Now, you can get good money for that.

No.

No. You are unbelievable.

I am not doing this for the money, Lee.

Look, Gamby.

What we're doing is serious business.

But it don't mean it can't be fun too.

Teacher: As General Lee gazed on that field of slain soldiers on that cold winter's day, he said, "It is well war is so terrible... "

(PA BEEPS)

Woman (on PA): Would Mr. Russell and Mr. Gamby please report to the principal's office?

Mr. Russell and Mr. Gamby, to the principal's office.

Students: Ooh!

Don't you f*cking move.

Step inside, gentlemen.

Do you know why you're here?

No, ma'am.

No, ma'am.

You know my house burned down.

The whole goddamn thing.

My sons didn't even wanna move here.

Now look. Everything they ever owned, gone.

I can only imagine...

Do not interrupt me, Mr. Russell.

Let me finish.

Yes, ma'am.

Now, I brought Blythe Sason here to observe this school, and I was expecting him to find unpleasant revelations.

But after reading the report on the two of you, I was shocked.

"Mr. Gamby is no nonsense. Whether you agree with him or not, he tells it like it is. He's a man of his word. He can be trusted."

"Mr. Russell is a great leader and a great relationship builder. He is roundly admired by the faculty."

After completing his analysis, Mr. Sason concludes that you two are excellent vice principals.

With everything I'm going through, it's a comfort to know I can trust the men standing beside me.

And I want to thank you for being a bright spot on a rather bleak day.

You're welcome, Dr. Brown.

You may be new here, but you are family to Neal and I.

Thank you, Mr. Russell.

And Dr. Brown, if you or your boys need any toiletries or canned goods, I don't mind going to the corner store for you.

Thank you. I think we'll manage.

Now, would you mind praying with me now?

To pray to God?

Yes. Let's touch and agree.

Touch and agree.

Amen. Thank you.

Oh, dear heavenly Father, thank you so much for everything you've blessed me with in my life.

Lord, this fire is not gonna kill me.

It may knock me down, oh, but I'll get back up and I'll be stronger than ever.

Thank you for bringing me Neal Gamby and Lee Russell.

(GROANS) Oh, help us.

Lord, help us do good things together.

In Jesus' name...

Mm-hmm. we pray.

Amen. Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Would you mind getting me a cup of coffee?

It would be my pleasure, Dr. Brown.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Wait here.

(CAR CHIMES)

(PLOP)

That should take care of what I owe and the rest of the year.

What's this?

Those are real f*cking diamonds set in a f*cking brooch, you idiot.

♪ ♪

(TIRES SCREECH)

♪ ♪