01x03 - The Field Trip

This is absurd.

Oh, my God.

There she is.

There she is.

Hmm...

(both chuckle)

Look at her. Like a f*cking dinosaur.

Oh, she's got bed head too.

Oh, my God.

I can see the edge of her f*cking Spanx.

Look at that. Look at that ass.

Ugh...

I bet when she get up here, she smells like f*cked buttholes.

I believe that's what the children call truffle butter.

(both chuckle)

Hey, Dr. Brown.

Hello.

Boom, boom, boom.

The ground f*cking shakes.

Boom, boom, boom.

(laughs)

Hey, darling. Oh, we've been thinking about you.

Were you able to get any sleep? You must be so tired.

I know you have a lot going on, but we like to raise the flag at half past seven.

Just so you know.

I'm sorry, I'm turned around.

Forgive me for running late, I do have a budget meeting with the super I need to prepare for.

Do you boys mind handling this one yourselves?

Oh, of course not, darling, please go inside, do what you need to do.

Let us know if you need anything.

Hmm.

I told you.

f*cked buttholes.

(blows raspberry)

(theme music plays)

(indistinct chatter)

What's happening, Mr. Gamby?

Are you gonna go eat with them teachers today?

Dayshawn, I'm patrolling the cafeteria, I can't just go eat with whoever I want to cause I feel like it.

Dayshawn: Look, ain't nobody going to cause any trouble.

Go eat with them. Don't be scared.

Who's scared?

Ain't nothing wrong with being scared.

You just outside your comfort zone, that's all.

I'm plenty comfortable, Dayshawn.

Look, even I wanted to, I don't even have a lunch.

So, couldn't even go over there.

Mr. Gamby, you don't need no lunch money.

I got you, dog.

(indistinct conversation)

♪ ♪

(sighs)

♪ ♪

Who did it? Who the f*ck did it?

(kids laughing)

I'm gonna watch some tapes! We're going to see who thinks it's funny for a man to be hit in the face with meat!

Goddamn it!

Scoot over.

Hi. I just need a second to settle down, then I'll figure out who did that.

Oh, do you want to use my napkin?

Yeah, that'd be great.

Here we go.

You got a little... yeah. That's it, that's the one.

So, what's up with you?

Anything cool happening in English this week?

Um, actually, no. I'm chaperoning Bill Hayden's history field trip to Charles Towne Landing.

Hmm. That seems a little odd.

Does it?

An English teacher chaperoning a history field trip.

English, history, kind of go hand-in-hand.

They really don't, they're totally different departments.

Let me guess, Bill Hayden invited you?

Yep.

Okay, I'll work it out with him.

Don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong, it's not your fault at all, you're not in trouble or anything.

But I'll have some words with him.

You know what? You're beautiful in this light.

Hmm...

That's not sexual harassment, it's just a compliment to someone.

You're allowed to do that.

Yep.

You don't... you can just take it. It's fine, take your compliment.

I know, I'm uncomfortable.

Don't be uncomfortable.

I tell Sue she's beautiful all the time.

Sue, you're gorgeous.

♪ ♪

Hey, Andrea, I'm still waiting for that homework. Still.

Lentrel, move your ass.

I'm cool, but I'm not that cool.

I want to see it tomorrow.

Gamby: Mr. Hayden!

Mind if I have a word?

Mr. Gamby, what's up?

You're going to bring that inside, where everybody can see?

Oh, am I not allowed to have this in the hallways?

Oh, no, you can have it. I just didn't know if you wanted everybody knowing you ride a bike to work.

Oh. (laughs) I'm not ashamed of that.

Okay, if you're not. (chuckles)

I was on my way out the door.

Was there something else you wanted to talk about?

Yes. As a matter of fact, there was.

It's come to my attention that you are planning a little field trip and you've been hand selecting chaperones.

I was just curious why you didn't inform me?

I told Mr. Russell. So...

Well, the thing is, Mr. Russell is not the vice principal in charge of discipline. That'd be me.

I'm sorry I didn't run it by you.

The thing is I'm not really sure if I can approve this field trip if you don't have a disciplinary, uh, advisor chaperone going onto the trip too with you.

Are you saying that the trip is canceled unless you come along?

I guess I am the, uh, most qualified, aren't I?

I have to check my schedule, though, I got a lot of sh1t going on.

But for now, let's say yes, I will come.

♪ ♪

A field trip? Brown is bleeding out like a f*cking buffalo right now. Now is the time to strike!

I'm not asking for permission, Russell, I'm telling you, I'm going on the f*cking field trip.

I need a favor from you as well. You said that you keep a secret file on everybody at school.

I need the one you got on Amanda Snodgrass, so...

(laughs)

What? That's not funny.

That is funny, the truth comes out. You trying to get your little dick wet.

That is not what I'm trying to do.

It is exactly what you're trying to do. I can see it all over your face.

Don't talk about my dick being wet.

Like a little f*cking horny dog.

Nope.

Like a corn dog, a little red dog.

Don't talk about my red things, don't do that.

I bet you gonna wear shorts on the trip, ain't you?

Jesus f*cking Christ. Gamby puts on shorts and tries to go f*ck somebody, that's just f*cking gross. Oh!

Look, are you going to help me or not?

f*ck no! Ha! Never.

Goddamn! You can die on that bus for all I care.

I'll see you on Monday, you little horny dog.

♪ ♪

(announcer speaks indistinctly)

(cheering)

(announcer continues speaking)

Ray's really good, isn't he?

I'm noticing some inconsistencies.

He's losing a lot of speed around those turns.

Jealous much?

Why, because he rides a dirt bike and gets my sloppy seconds?

What's sloppy seconds?

Your mom because of her bad attitude.

Speaking of jealous, guess who's going on a little trip with a lady friend?

Ah, you're seeing somebody?

Ah, yes, I am.

Amanda Snodgrass. Google her.

Hey, did you tell your dad your big news?

What, you got news?

Yeah, I want to start doing motocross.

Ray thinks I'll be good at it.

But I told her she had to ask you first.

Well, the answer is no.

Dad, why not?

Because it's dangerous. Look at this.

This is for losers and rednecks.

She wants to do this and I was only asking you to be nice.

We're doing it.

Announcer: Ray Liptrapp, it looks like he's gonna...

Yes, buddy!

(announcer continues)

(cheering)

(announcer continues)

♪ ♪

Hello, all.

Hey!

Hey, Mr. Gamby.

Ms. Snodgrass. I got it all sorted out.

Sorted what out?

Sort this out. The field trip.

I sorted out and now I'm here.

(whistles)

(laughter)

Who the f*ck was that? Whistle one more time, see what happens!

Sit down, goddamn it!

Hey, Bruce Carter, big Bruce. Good to see you, man.

I didn't know you were coming on this trip.

Yeah, yeah.

They, uh, they appointed me as supervisor of discipline.

(scoffs) That's not what I heard.

(mocking laugh) What'd you hear, Ms. Abbott?

Well, I heard you threatened to shut the trip down unless you could come on it.

That's not true. Maybe you got some of that Starbucks frappy drink in your ear because that is not what happened. (laughs)

No, what... look, I do have the power to do that, though, I could shut this thing down anytime I want to.

But I'm not because I want us to have fun.

All right, all right, all right. Chaperones.

Oh, it's just like Matthew McConaughey!

McConaughey, yeah.

That's funny.

Hayden: Thanks, thanks.

Um, shall we hit the road, guys?

Yes. Sweet.

Hayden: Let's do it.

Abbott: Hilarious.

Neal, after you.

Got some loose lips on you, huh?

Excuse me?

No. I will not.

♪ ♪

Sort of find different ways to work out when you're on the bus.

Yeah. Uh, possibly if there's time, you might...

Which would be incredible. There may be a musket.

(continues indistinctly)

Uh, I wonder what type...

Gamby: Ms. Snodgrass.

Yeah.

Snodgrass is such an interesting name.

Oh, you think so?

Yeah. What... what is it? Scottish?

I would imagine northern, uh, middle English probably.

"Snod" meaning, obviously smooth, sleek, even, "grass" meaning grass.

Smooth grass.

How would you know that?

Oh, I've always been fascinated with surnames and their meanings.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Cool. What does Gamby mean?

Uh... you know, to be, uh... it's medieval...

Hey, guys? Hey, guys! Listen up for a second!

Pretty soon, we're gonna be arriving in historic Charles Towne.

Okay? But it's not where we're arriving, it's when.

Okay, we are taking a trip through time, all the way back to the year 1670, when the British settlers established what would eventually become the first permanent settlement here in the Carolinas.

Okay? It's gonna be a lot of fun.

Unless... unless... if I may interject here, unless we choose not to have fun and act like assholes.

Then it's not gonna be pretty. Trust me.

But none of us are assholes, and actually using language like that is one example of what not to do on this trip.

Actually, make your own rules for yourself, because I'm... I make rules for myself, you make rules for you, and then I make rules for you guys as well.

That's... that's fine. But I don't think we'll have any problems, but I want everybody to be individuals, okay? Soak in the culture.

And don't act like assholes.

Because that's gonna be enough and that's enough.

Enough is enough.

Believe that. Believe that.

Clear?

All right. Go ahead, that's done, we're done.

He sits first, then I sit. I'm the last one.

Guys, now, this is so cool, everything you see here today is exactly as it was over 300 years ago.

Which means no iPads, no phones, no cars.

Uh, how about, "No thank you."

(laughter)

Guys, you'll also see the various characters from settlement life, such as craftsmen, militia, and yes, even slaves.

Oh, I don't know about this.

What's that, Mr. Gamby?

They shouldn't have to do this. That's racist.

It's part of history.

Charles Towne had slaves.

Well, I'm sorry, but I don't believe in that.

Hayden: You don't have to believe in it, it doesn't change the fact that slavery happened.

Bill, why are you arguing with me?

I'm saying that slavery is wrong, all right?

There's no reason for you to be arguing with that.

I'm... that's... I'm not arguing with that.

Look, don't make the whole field trip about yourself.

Let's keep moving, guys, come on.

(classical music plays)

(no discernible dialog)

Ooh! (laughs)

Make sure you get Ms. Snodgrass and these guys in it.

Girl: Okay, look sad.

Get a picture of me.

All right.

Get a picture of me. You know how to use a camera?

Get a picture.

Hayden, you're out.

Your turn... your turn's up. Snodgrass, you're staying in.

One with us two. Great work, Hayden.

Bruce, just make sure we're all framed up. Okay?

Crap, I closed it.

Get... get the shot, Bruce.

Hold on, what's on your password?

7-7-7-7-2, just do it, put it on.

My neck hurts. Can I...

Let me get the flash ready here.

Bruce, just open the... the camera app.

Not the photo app.

No, wait, there it is. I got it.

This is gonna be good.

No, don't take the photo.

Done. Erase it now.

Looks nice.

Bruce, will you post it?

Bruce: Here. Get me out of here.

Want to see it?

Get me out.

Goddamn it. You better not have gotten it.

I told you not to take it. I didn't want this picture.

Give it to me.

He said it's really good.

So, guys, we're gonna meet back down here at 6:30, and then we're gonna head to dinner in the hotel restaurant. Okay?

Oh, so we have some time to relax. Great.

Who's up for hanging out in the chill suite?

I don't want to drink alone, but I will if you make me.

I think maybe the plan is just to get some rest, Neal.

I think the adults can make choices for themselves, Hayden.

Oh, I'm going to have to be a party pooper, that sun wore me out.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Them turkey legs have my stomach feeling funny, so...

I'll check out the chill suite. Turkey legs didn't do anything bad to me.

No, uh, actually, I have some work to do.

I think we should all just go our own way.

Bruce: Yeah.

Cool.

♪ ♪

(man speaking on TV)

Snow bunny. (chuckles)

"The Elder and the Egg." A novelist. Hm...

Beautiful.

(TV plays indistinctly)

(door opens)

Servicio.

Hmm? What the f*ck?

sh1t!

Servicio.

Go, get the f*ck out of here!

Who are you?

♪ ♪

Abbott: No, you didn't.

What did you do?

It wasn't a shooting. It was just the guy with the pizza.

(overlapping chatter)

That's so embarrassing.

You have to hear him tell it.

(fake laugh) Yeah, real nice, Hayden.

You know you could've called my hotel room.

Bruce, I expect this kind of behavior from him, but you, I thought we were cut from the same cloth.

We thought you were doing your own thing, you said you had work.

I do have to do work, but I also want to eat. Jesus Christ!

Well, go ahead and eat now, Neal.

Yeah, it's really good.

Hey, how are we doing over here? Can I get you guys anything else?

Yes. I need to order an entrée now. I already know what I want.

I want a Blue Moon, the buffalo burger, and your salad bar, and put a rush on it, I need it pronto.

Well, we're kind of busy tonight, so it'll be ready when it's ready.

Excuse me? Would you say that again?

Sure, it'll be ready when it's ready.

Am I sensing a little attitude from you?

Are you trying to pop off and not get a tip, smart mouth?

No. Just telling you. And your party's over six, so gratuity's included.

Yeah.

(mutters) f*cking bitch.

Well, we should get these kids to bed, Neal.

You're welcome to stay and finish your food.

Uh, you guys go on. I'll, uh, I'll keep Mr. Gamby company.

Hayden: Okay. It's up to you.

Fine, leave. I don't give a sh1t.

Good night, Bruce.

Good night, guys.

Finally, right? (chuckles)

You know what I'm looking forward to?

This buffalo burger. I heard it's awesome.

You know, the last time I had a buffalo burger, I was actually skiing in, uh, Colorado.

You ever been to Colorado?

Uh, actually, I love it, I've been a few times.

Oh, yeah? Wow. We got a lot in common.

It's nuts how I know about your last name, and what it means, and know that you like Colorado.

(laughs) It's like I know all your sweet spots.

Yeah.

Let me guess, you also have ambitions to be a writer?

Neal, can I tell you something?

Yeah, of course, you can tell me anything.

Great. Everyone thinks you're an asshole, Neal.

You're ruining the trip.

(laughs) What, does wine make you tell jokes?

No. No, I'm not joking.

Everyone was super excited about coming here and now you're ruining it.

You're being controlling and very weird.

Kind of like a little bitch-ass.

Bitch-ass?

Mm.

Well, some of the stuff you're saying is pretty bitch-ass, too.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, there's things I could tell you that you should change about yourself.

Please do.

How you're just always trying to... wearing... that stuff with your necklaces, just how you're...

The part in your beautiful hair, just like... it looks so stupid, how it's on that one side.

Whatever, just, like, don't act like you're perfect.

I am not perfect.

Yeah, well, so give me a pass for once, please.

Thank you, Jesus Christ!

Okay.

Who's saying this bologna anyway? Hayden?

No, I'm saying it, Neal.

Oh. Very impressive.

Bill Hayden's getting a female teacher to do his dirty work.

No.

Now, that is the definition of bitch-ass.

Good night. Good night, Neal.

I need you to wrap up all my stuff. I'm taking this to go.

The salad bar's dine-in only.

You f*cking cocksucker.

♪ ♪

What the f*ck?

(muffled laughter)

Open up! This is Vice Principal Neal Gamby!

If you do not open this door right f*cking now, I'm calling parents!

One Mississip, two Mississip.

Jesus H. Christ.

Party's over, party's over!

Kurt Small, that's five days of ISS for you.

Randy Gamble, you got that bottle of Tanqueray, eight days for you.

My wine sack! Who did this? Who drank my Chablis?

No one drank it, we poured it out.

The pouch made it taste all meaty.

You think you know about wine, sweetheart?

What wine pairs good with ten days ISS? Huh?

Is it a zinfandel? Is it a f*cking shiraz?

Where's Tammy Wooten and Kyle Gebhart? Huh?

Where are they?

They're hooking up.

My God.

Hayden, wake up! We got a code red, Hayden!

Hayden!

What's going on?

We got a major situation here. We got...

What the f*ck? What's going on here? Just a little...

You guys are all hanging out and you didn't even invite me?

Just having some...

No, yeah, we didn't plan this.

This just sort of happened.

Yeah.

Goddamn it, Bruce! This trip's got me seeing you in a whole new light now.

Gamby, you want a mudslide or what?

No, I don't want a mudslide, that's not even a drink, it's a dessert.

That's two desserts for you tonight.

It's my cheat day.

Did you need something, Neal?

Yeah. As a matter of fact I did, Mr. Popularity.

The students are drunk off their asses and Tammy Wooten and Kyle Gebhart, they're missing.

Wait, what?

What?

Where are they?

Okay, what do we do?

Well, it's come to my attention that you guys don't really want me here. That you guys think I'm an asshole, I believe was the term.

But let me tell you this, you better be glad that I am here.

Because if this was Lee Russell or Belinda Brown, they would've called the cops by now. Be glad I'm cool.

Cause I'm gonna give you all one more shot.

Well, if they're drunk and missing, maybe we do need to call the cops.

Yeah. Maybe.

No.

I'm giving you all one more shot.

Go! Let's go!

Oh, hey, have you seen two students, high school, quite possibly drunk?

Habla Espanol?

No, no. Thank you.

So, what's the real story, Bill?

What?

Come, on, man, don't be dumb with a fellow educator.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Why would Ms. Snodgrass say I'm ruining the trip when I've been doing nothing but being helpful?

You know what I think's going on?

I think you're trying to turn her against me.

(scoffs) Do you have a crush on Ms. Snodgrass?

Psh! No. She's ugly.

Holy sh1t!

Hey! No!

Hey! No!

f*cking, hey!

Get out of her!

No! No!

Oh, my God! sh1t!

Hayden: Oh, my God!

Gamby: f*ck!

(muffled shouting)

(exhales) How dare you make this trip sexual.

What are we in trouble for? For being in love?

For being an idiot.

That's bullshit.

You know what's bullshit, Kyle Gebhart? You are, mister.

You came on this trip with big designs, didn't you?

Thought you'd come out here and expand your sexual conquests, but instead what happened?

You failed. You must feel like a fool, right? Pretty f*cking pathetic.

I think we've all learned our lesson here.

Hayden, I say when lessons have been learned.

Lessons have been learned.

Now Mr. Hayden's gonna take you to your rooms, since he caused this whole entire debacle.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, you heard me, Bill.

This is what happens when faculty members get shitfaced on mudslides.

I'm just glad that everyone is safe.

Yeah, so am I. Bill, what are you doing?

Get these kids up to their room. Let's go.

Well, that's enough excitement for me, for one night.

Yeah, me too. Um, good night.

Good night. (sighs, laughs)

Got to hand it to you, Mr. Gamby, you and Bill really saved the day.

Well, Bill didn't do anything. He was useless.

(laughs) Totally. Useless.

Oh! Pretty wild night, huh?

No.

You're wrong, it wasn't wild at all.

Guess it wasn't that wild.

Uh-uh. Don't just agree with everything I'm saying.

It's annoying.

Yep. That's weird.

I don't know... I don't know why I did that.

After I said it was wild, I was thinking, "Pfft! No, it wasn't."

(snoring)

No, dog. (coughs, snores)

(phone vibrates)

Oh. Hey, Neal. You're awake early.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I didn't sleep much with all the excitement last night.

Kind of a messy night, huh?

Yeah. To say the least. (laughs)

Hey, listen, um, about what I said last night.

That was... uncool of me. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have...

No, you don't have to apologize.

We all did stuff last night that I'm sure we'll regret forever.

What did you do that you would regret forever?

Just that I was supposed to get my daughter a souvenir.

It's the only thing I did that's regretful really.

Do you want me to help you pick something out?

You'd do that?

Of course.

Okay, yeah. That'd be cool. Uh...

Okay.

She's 13 years old, what do you think? Think she'd like this?

This... this too small?

(laughs)

Maybe you should buy her some food.

(laughs) She has... eats a lot.

Does she like these horses, maybe?

Actually, she loves horses.

Um... I'm amazing.

This big monster here.

120 bucks.

(exhales)

Maybe the old wooden Native American one.

Yeah. Don't get her that one.

You think this one?

Yeah.

Come on.

It's worth it.

Yeah. That's easy.

Thank you, it's awesome.

It's my pleasure.

♪ ♪

That's my personal business, for work. You shouldn't be looking at that.

What in the f*ck is this?

You have everything about her in here.

Right now I'm looking at the section on her menstrual cycle.

It's disgusting and weird.

Shh, shh.

Just keep your f*cking mouth shut about this, okay, please?

♪ ♪

(inaudible whispering)

(engine revving)