01x06 - Episode 6

Just put it back where you got it from, OK?

No.

Thank you for coming in today. I've read your application.

It was... funny.

Oh!

Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.

So, how did you two meet?

He f*cked me up the arse.

So, is your business... surviving?

The lease is up in a couple of days, and I don't think I can really afford to...

Oh! Sneaking a preview, are we?

It's a sexhibition.

Inspired by and moulded on your father.

I will definitely be there.

I'm leaving Martin. I'm going to give you the money for the cafe, and I'm going to go to f*cking Finland. I'll see you at the sexhibition.

Yeah.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

Oh!

Oh, look at me.

I want to see those tiny things again.

Oh!

Ugh!

Stay sexy. Stay sexy.

Those tits.

Oh! OK. Yeah!

They are so f*cking tiny.

May I...?

Oh, yeah.

Erm.

Oh, God.

There's always a stage when someone's falling in love with you that they lose their erection.

They get confused, they panic, the stakes get too high, the blood rushes from their dick to their heart.

Oh, Jesus.

And everything is f*cked.

Oh!

What?

Oh, no, I don't think Hillary is going to want to hear this.

Oh, go on.

No.

Oh, go on.

OK, an 11-year-old boy was put in juvenile prison for repeatedly sticking rubber ended pencils up his school hamster's arsehole.

What?

Yeah.

Why would they do that?

Apparently he liked it when their eyes popped out.

No, why would they send him away?

He needs help.

She was a surprising person.

They shouldn't have just locked him up.

He pencil-fucked a hamster.

Yeah, but he's obviously not happy, happy people wouldn't do things like that.

Fair point.

And anyway, that's the very reason why they put rubbers on the end of pencils.

To f*ck hamsters?

No, because people make mistakes.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, about last night.

Uh-oh.

I don't usually connect with women.

I know, that's what I like about you.

Yeah, OK, erm.

I, erm...

[HE EXHALES LOUDLY]

Wow.

This must be what insecure feels like.

Actually, can we speak about this later? I want to find the right words for you.

I'll see you at the sexhibition?

Yeah, I'll see you there.

I'm going to go to yoga.

OK.

Marvellous.

I'm so relieved you're here.

Hi.

And, hello, good looking.

Hello.

Thank you.

Well clung to.

Thank you.

Does it get very boring, everyone telling you how gorgeous you are all the time?

A little.

Should we, erm...

Oh, yes, I won't forget this, I promise.

Oh, sure. Is Claire here yet?

No, not yet, you're an angel for being here.

Would you just hold on to that?

There are bottles for topping up on the little bar just inside.

I'm the luckiest thing to have you.

And, erm... there.

You're a natural.

[LAUGHTER]

No, really, though, this sexhibition isn't about me trying to get you all aroused, it's about the beauty of s*x.

And how it brings us all together.

How it excites and connects, how it opens people's minds, after all, s*x got us all here.

s*x brings life.

I've been building this sexhibition since I was 11 and a quarter, which is when I first climaxed by accident on a bidet.

The bidet is, of course, exhibited here, as are all of the pieces from my first ever sexhibition.

All apart from one.

A few weeks ago one of my most delicate pieces was stolen from my studio.

But in a sense it was a blessing.

In fact, her brutal snatching made me think of the women of the world they've been robbed of their freedom, of their happiness, and, in the saddest of cases, of their bodies.

So in many ways I have to thank the thief for creating my most profound piece of work to date...

A Woman Robbed.

[CLAPPING]

Now, I would ask you all to leave your genitals at the door and bring your minds to these pieces.

I don't believe people always think about s*x when they see a naked body, I believe they think about their own minds, their own bodies, and their own power.

And that's what this show is really about... it's about power.

Thank you.

[CLAPPING]

Beautiful.

Claire, it's me, just wondering where you are, because I am very much here and waiting for you.

OK, bye.

Dammit, Claire. Have you seen a sort of stressed out version of me anywhere?

Is it weird that my mouth's watering?

It's really fantastic work, honestly, it's amazing.

Thank you so much.

Yes, it's extraordinary.

Really, really moving.

Present. I'd love one of these on my floor... like a rug with perks.

I'm sure you would, but it's very securely nailed to the wall this evening.

Have you found your father yet?

Oh, yes, I think he's by the coats.

Oh, no, no, have you found your father yet?

It's just so very obvious to me.

Yeah.

Oh, Connor.

Whoops.

Look, about this morning...

Listen, what I was trying to say is...

Here we go.

I didn't realise this until we were having s*x earlier and I lost my...

Erection.

Erection.

One more time.

Erection.

But it made me realise... I'm in love.

Oh.

OK, I mean, I don't really know what to...

I don't want to have s*x with anyone else, and that's never happened to me before.

I'm in love.

And I need to tell her.

Her?

Yeah, we've been together for a couple of months.

And physically she just never satisfied me, she has these really massive, bouncy tits that really don't do anything for me.

And you just kept turning up like this sexy... plank.

And it confused me.

I just don't think I should be f*cking around behind her back any more.

I just thought I should say that I am sorry if I have led you on.

Oh, no.

God, no, my ex is due back any day now anyway, so, it's erm...

I'm happy for you.

I... I knew you wouldn't give a sh1t.

What can I say?

I'm sorry, I don't give a sh1t.

Cool.

Never wear padding, OK?

Claire, where are you?

I can't survive much longer in this sea of penises.

I don't know anyone. And, so...

Harry?

Harry?

Hi.

Hi.

What did she do to you?

We just, you know, covered me in plaster and left me in the garden for a couple of hours.

Oh, God, hi.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm just going to go and browse around.

It was really nice to meet you.

You, too.

That's... Elaine.

We're...

Did you see that really good-looking guy that came in with me?

No, but I saw a really good-looking guy on his motorbike outside, why?

Oh, yeah, that's, he, erm, well, he and I...

Oh! Great.

Yeah, he just dumped me, so...

Oh!

I'm sorry.

This is very... you.

Yeah, yeah, she said you were cool with us doing... that.

I don't... I don't know why she... where's my pen1s?

Oh, it's on the wall over there, second from the left.

Oh.

I should probably go and find Elaine, she doesn't like being left on her own.

You've still got some stuff at the flat.

I've been rolling around in my lingerie, all over it, waiting for you to come and collect it.

Yeah...

Just your Tupperware, and your TV, and your dinosaur plate.

Oh, I got a new dinosaur plate, but, erm...

Yeah, but, thank you, but, you can keep those.

Hey, do you still wank about me sometimes?

No.

Elaine.

Claire. My God, it's been hell, where have you been?

I, erm...

All parked up.

Hello, you.

We almost didn't make it, but, erm...

We didn't want to let the old boy down.

I thought...

We're just going to do a quick whizz around, to show our faces.

OK, but...

We're just going to do a quick whizz around.

Sorry, could you just, could you do something with those? Thank you.

[SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS]

[SHE MOUTHS]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[GASPS]

[SHE MOUTHS]

(Don't)

Don't!

[CRASH]

[GASPS]

[SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] The joys of butter-fingered staff.

Stop making a spectacle of yourself and clean that up.

You clean that up.

Apologise.

I'm sorry.

Turns out I'm not such a natural after all.

Oh, f*ck off.

I'm just going to say this once...

I deserve to be happy, I am allowed to move on, I have a good life and I'm happy, all right?

All right? If you don't mind... I'm going to go and get... my cardy from the car.

It's a little chilly.

I'm sorry you had to hear that... but you did have to hear it.

No, no, she'll do it.

What the f*ck was that?

What is he doing here?

You're not going to Finland.

Oh, God.

What are you doing here?

I'm helping.

He is...

He didn't try to kiss you.

He did.

He says it was more like the other way around.

What?

Well, that's just not true.

No, f*ck you.

Claire.

Please don't...

No, Claire, he came out into the garden...

I don't want to hear it.

Claire, you have to believe me.

How can I believe you?

Because I'm your sister.

After what you did to Boo?

He slept with someone else, he said, he told me he f*cked someone else.

I'm sorry, but you just have to see it from my point of view.

Come on.

I think I love him.

I'm going to hurt myself, I'm going to get hit by a bike, and then hurt my finger and then he's going to have to come and see me in the hospital and be really sorry for what he did.

[HE SOBS]

I don't know where you came from.

What, you don't think we are the same?

You have the same lines on your forehead as me.

Thank you for fixating on them.

And you're stubborn.

Snap.

And sad.

Not born sad.

Some people are.

You weren't.

No, I guess not.

Jesus, why do daughters get to say that they're f*cked up by their fathers when it's so often the other way round?

Why do you do that to yourself?

Looks cool.

I think your mother would have admired your little performance up there.

Do you ever think about her?

Yeah.

Do you think about your friend?

All the time.

Well... I'm sorry.

I... think you should go.

'Hi, this is Boo. I can't come to the phone right now, but please leave me a messiagio and I'll get back to you.'

'Hi, this is Boo. I can't come to the phone right now, but please leave me a messiagio and I'll get back to you.'

Are you OK?

Big night, then?

Mmm.

What?

I thought in the application for your loan it said you ran a cafe for guinea pigs.

That's why I thought it was funny. I... never thought guinea pigs needed...

It's guinea pig themed.

OK.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Can I get you a cup of tea?

I've run out.

Coffee?

Run out.

Well, I should probably be heading back to the office.

Cafes are a very... difficult business.

You've certainly made this one very... unique.

I also f*cked it into liquidation.

OK.

And I f*cked up my family.

Did you?

And I f*cked my friend by f*cking her boyfriend.

Right.

And sometimes I wish I didn't even know that f*cking existed.

And I know that my body, as it is now, really is the only thing I have left, and when that gets old and unfuckable I may as well just kill it.

And somehow there isn't anything worse... than someone who doesn't want to f*ck me.

I f*ck everything... except for when I was in your office, I really wasn't trying to have s*x.

You know, everyone feels like this a little bit, and they're just not talking about it, or I'm completely f*cking alone... which isn't f*cking funny.

Right, well... I should probably, erm... I should probably, erm... I should probably...

People make mistakes.

It's why they put rubbers on the ends of pencils.

Is that a joke?

I don't know.

I think we should start your interview again.

Here?

Yeah.

Go on.

OK.

Well, thank you for coming in.

No problem.

I've read through your application form.

It says you run a cafe for guinea pigs.

[SHE LAUGHS]

Told you it was funny.