01x03 - Blow

[bunniefuu]

♪ Free jazz ♪

(People speaking indistinctly)

Mom. What are you doing here?

You're adopted.

Mitzi.

Mrs. Wilson.

Would you stop it with this?

Say it.

No.

Say you're adopted.

I'm not going to do that.

Are you trying to k*ll me?

Of course not.

Because that's what you're doing.

You're k*lling me. k*lling me. k*lling me!

I love you, Mom.

Allegedly mom.

All right.

Do you know how difficult this is for me?

For my own son to be adopted?

I'm not adopted. I look exactly like you.

There's pictures. You showed a video of my birth at my graduation.

Do I have to get your father?

Please don't do that.

I'm getting your father. No.

Mom. Mom...

You know what? He's in the car. I'm going to get him.

(Door bell's ringing)

William: Don't, don't. Please don't.

(Exhales forcefully)

(Doorbell again. Footsteps)

(Mitzi clearing throat)

Tell your mother you're adopted.

Really? You too?

Her consultant told her she needs this.

What, what does that even mean?

He's the best. The best consultant.

(Scoffs) You don't know him.

Well, what does he think is wrong?

We have to annul the pregnancy.

What?

The only way to do this is to annul the pregnancy.

This sounds serious.

Could you not encourage them, please?

It's a very serious thing.

You want to put me back up there?

Would you be open to that?

Oh, I'm dying! I'm dying! (Weeping)

Shh! Fine! Fine! Fine! All right? Just stop dying.

I'm adopted. I'm adopted.

You have to sign. He has to sign.

William: Sign?

If you could just sign this, please.

This says that I never existed.

It's a standard form.

Well, I don't have a pen.

I have a pen.

(Clicks)

Thanks.

Sign here.

(Exhales sharply)

Uh-huh.

And here...

William: This is...

And here.

How many of these are...

My body is failing!

Fine! Fine. Here. Okay? It's official.

You gonna go do this with Danny now?

No. Your brother's ours.

Okay. Thanks.

(Theme music playing)

S1E03 - <i>Blow</i>

(Sirens blaring distantly)

♪ Sad music ♪

(Gasping) Bondurant, I just got your message.

Jamie, quickly, take off your sweater.

Are you cold?

No, but your breasts look fantastic tonight.

And I'm just gonna keep it on then.

It's all turning to black!

What is? What happened?

My life, it's done, finished! Unlock my morphine pump.

Don't have a morphine pump.

Nurse!

What's wrong? Are you sick?

So sweet to lie to me like that as if it's not written all over my face.

Is it herpes?

I've lost my blow.

What do you mean, you lost your blow?

My trumpet blast, my symphonic exhalation, my flow of melodious respiratory current.

(Gasps)

It's been altered.

You can't blow air out of your mouth.

(Half chocking) Not a drop.

William: I gotta say, Jamie cheating on me with Bondurant, best things that's ever happened.

Yeah? Cause I wasn't sure I should tell you.

I'm glad you did.

You cried a lot more than I expected.

It was knee jerk reaction.

It was a tear jerk reaction.

Yes, I get it.

You're the picture of emotional stability and rest of us are just characters in an Italian opera.

Thank you.

These past few weeks there's been this, I don't know, transformation.

Jamie she's so completely struck by guilt.

And over compensating sexually. Yes, I heard you two last night.

Sorry about that.

You know I didn't realise that your voice could reach that register.

I didn't realize treachery was such a sexual stimulant.

I'm glad you're making this work for you.

It's as if she's dying of some horrible ancient disease and my d*ck's got the antidote.

That's wonderful William.

I'm actually sore.

Like raw and abraised from all the outrageous, degenerative sex we've been having.

Well Bondurant and I are certainly on an upswing.

All this sneaking around has wiped him of all that annoying energy.

Most nights we just order take out and watch movies.

That's terribly low impact.

Just calories and culture.

I've never been happier.

Bondurant, I'm not sure this qualifies as a medical emergency.

I have an audition in six hours, what could be more emergent?

All right, what seems to be the problem here?

I've lost my blow.

Hmm.

Any other symptoms?

I think her breasts look fantastic tonight.

Delusions, then.

Oh, come on.

Tell me straight... What's the prognosis?

Yes. It appears you have what's called Trick Candle Syndrome.

First observed in a German 6-year-old boy, who thought his sisters were messing with his birthday cake.

Unfortunately, little Wolfgang didn't have a <i>gute geburtstag</i> that year, and d*ed shortly after reporting the initial symptoms.

Jamie: This is fatal?

Oh, no, the Allies shelled his home.

(Breath trembling)

Doctor: The disease is psychosomatic.

I'll page the on-call psychiatric resident, and have them have a sit-down with you.

I'm gonna get a coffee.

Without me?

Yeah, well, you're...

Do you need anything or...

Um... Yes.

See if they have any warmer pillows.

Okay.

Bondurant: Seriously, why are you all singe-y?

Soot... You'll stay up with me, won't you?

Read me my favorite bedtime stories?

I do like it when you're caffeinated and reading to me.

The way you trip over T's, R's and Q's is so delightful.

You forget your U's sometimes.

I'll be right back.

Jamie, why are you leaving me?

Why are you leaving me here all alone?

Yes, this whole thing really has been very humbling.

Humbling's not the word one uses to describe a good screwing, William.

I would agree with you traditionally.

And untraditionally?

You're gonna think it's silly.

You're like a chick with this sh*t.

William: Okay. Okay.

So a few days ago, after a particularly, uh...

Conscience-clearing shtup?

Shtup?

Look at you, six months working in the financial sector, and already with the "shtup." Yeah.

So after that, I was lying in bed and...

The face of God appeared to me.

Humbling indeed!

See, I knew you'd...

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I mean, he... He had gained a few pounds, no question, but I could tell it was him. Definitely God.

William, come on, you were clearly experiencing a sexlucinatory episode.

A what?

It happens when you push the brain past its euphoric threshold from, you know, all the bonkers sex you've been having, and as a reward, one true morsel of the universe is revealed.

Quit trying to marginalize my miracle.

Interesting that yours was religious-themed.

You must be feeling anxious about something.

Only while I'm awake.

Mine usually come through wild animals, bulls, mustangs, anything with powerful hind legs.

It's quite nice. I've been having them since I was fourteen.

Don't you think that's a little young?

A second ago you didn't know what it was, and now you're sexlucination-shaming me?

Your questionable journey to womanhood aside, my thing was not that.

My thing was real.

Right.

And what was Jamie's reaction, when the very real face of the Lord appeared over your sex-stained sheets?

(Exhales sharply) She didn't see it.

No kidding?

If you must know, she was outside spitting my load over the balcony.

All class, that one.

Uh-huh.

But did God have anything important to say? Any wisdom to impart?

I don't know. Wasn't really paying attention.

Well, sure. You're a busy guy.

But do you want to know the best part of this whole situation?

Tell me. Tell me the best part.

When I mentioned to Bondurant about all the life-upending sex Jamie and I are having, it only makes him want her more.

No!

Yes!

You're telling me this phenomenon is self-sustaining?

I'm afraid it just might be.

Hmm. Never even occurred to me to play back into it...

We're on the frontier, Mitzi.

There is no primer here.

(Sirens blaring distant)

(Wheezes)

Hello.

Hello. Are you the on-call psychiatric resident?

Yep.

If you don't mind me saying, you look quite young.

No, I can count to this many.

I'm sorry, Doctor. I didn't mean to question your experience.

No need to be condescending.

So, what's the matter?

Well, I seem to have lost my blow.

(Blows)

Yes, exactly!

Something so simple. So basic.

So fundamental to my being and I've lost it.

Gone. In the wind, so to speak.

Where did you have it last?

Well, if we're being completely honest, I'm not sure I truly ever had it.

Oh, sure, some would say being named first chair trumpet to the Manitoban High School Provincial Orchestra was quite the accomplishment, but who are we kidding?

(Laughs)

Harsh, Doctor.

I'm sorry.

No, no, you're right to laugh.

This is the city. The big time.

And I'm just another struggling musician, who can't even blow his way to a gig at The Rex.

Why?

(Exhales sharply) I don't know.

Lately I've been missing something.

Feeling out of sorts.

Why?

I've been lying to my girlfriend.

Gross!

Yes!

It's disgusting and I hate myself for it.

Do you kiss her?

I supposed I could be more affectionate.

Lying is bad. You shouldn't do that.

Sometimes it's not as simple as do or do not.

There are other factors to consider.

Milk?

Oh, no. Thank you.

I wouldn't want to impose...

Drink it.

Well, I really only allow myself skim after midnight.

But I suppose a sip would be fine.

Hmm.

Better?

Perhaps a little.

See? Told you.

(Gasps)

Are you trying to say that I'm being selfish, Doctor?

That in order to cure my conscience unwellness, I need to share the truth with Mitzi?

With my friends?

Mmm.

Bondurant: But what if I reveal the true Bondurant, and they don't like what they see?

What if I don't like what I see?

Oh, surely I'm not the first 23-year-old to supplement his own narrative.

I mean, where's the harm in that...

Stop!

Stop? Stop what?

Stop being such a p*ssy, Bondurant.

(Footsteps approaching)

Woman: There you are!

Sorry about this.

My babysitter went home with the flu.

I hope she didn't bother you.

No, no, of course not.

She's a very bright little girl.

Woman: (Chuckles) Are you going to give Mommy her coat back?

Okay.

Okay, Mr. Smit.

You're saying you have some respiratory issues?

Yeah, it feels like a hiccup but it's like my entire body is burping.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, it feels like I'm sneezing from the inside, and all of my organs are orange.

Does that make sense?

(Indistinct chatter on hospital PA)

So? What's the verdict?

Hmm?

Are you long for the world?

Yes. I suppose I am.

Well, what did the psychiatrist say...

Stress!

Stress?

Another graduate of the "Dem Bones" School of Medicine, no doubt.

"The thoracic diaphragm's connected to the lung tissue. The lung tissue's connected to the motor cortex" and so on.

Trying to insist that a part of something is the whole something.

How wonderfully synecdochic.

This is good news, Bondurant.

No, this is shoddy journalism, Jamie.

You've been pushing yourself pretty hard lately.

The direction of impalation is not material.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Like, ten percent of the time.

I fear my malady is more profound, deeper than modern medicine is capable or interested in mining.

Maybe you just need to ease up on yourself a bit.

There is no ease handy for sufferers of my particular affliction.

No, I ail in the most concerning way possible.

And how's that?

Metaphysically.

Okay, I'm sorry, Bondurant, but how exactly does one ail metaphysically?

My fundamental nature of being is in poor condition.

Is that so?

I'm afraid it's impossible to say for certain.

Can't tell if you're being serious right now.

There is nothing of greater seriousness!

Okay. Do you want me to get the doctor again?

I don't need a physician. I need a metaphysician.

Well, I think they all went home for the night but...

(Groaning)

A nice walk might be helpful.

(Groaning)

Can you vouch for its curative punch?

Yes.

(Whispers) "Quit being such a p*ssy, Bondurant."

(Inhales sharply) All right, then...

I'll brave it.

Oh!

Oh. Oh.

My, my, my...

Oh, my.

♪ Chilling guitar ♪

(Sighs)

So, what are you doing for Thanksgiving this year?

Think Bondurant's gonna invite me to Manitoba.

William: Wow.

Really?

He's been dropping little hints.

Hints?

Well, he mentioned the other day he doesn't like leaving his dad alone for the holidays, said it's been a while since he's home.

Plus, there was a dead turkey on the hood of my car this morning.

Although, that last one could be work-related.

Does Jamie know yet?

No?

Sorry, dude.

Jesus. She's going to be so...

Something. She's gonna be so very something.

I better moisturize my d*ck tonight in preparation.

Got some coconut body butter in my room.

Thank God.

Yeah, next time you see him.

At your feet.

Hmm.

That strand's been making me paranoid.

Do you think we should have sex?

(Coughing)

Thought about it.

Well, don't keep a girl in suspense.

Of course it would be satisfying, you know, on a revenge sort of level.

Honey, it'd be satisfying on a cosmic sort of level.

Yes. Yes, I get it. You're quite the hellcat.

Damn straight.

The way I figure it, we've found a balance.

A little sliver, a tear in the space-relationship continuum, and where the shame and derision for our circumstance has been exactly offset by our revengatory response.

Your life up there is quite a high-wire act, huh?

William: Hmm.

Mitzi: I mean, it is pretty cool what we've done here, taking advantage of a bad situation like this.

No, no, that's exactly it. We're not taking advantage.

We're taking equal.

And you think by f*cking each other we'd be tipping the scales?

There's only a fixed amount of happiness in this world, Mitzi...

Don't spit my doctrines back at me.

What if I don't give a sh*t?

Bondurant did theoretically break my heart.

What's wrong with getting a little payback?

You want to know what separates comedy from tragedy?

Mitzi: In comedy you laugh at misfortune.

In tragedy you k*ll the comedian.

(Chuckles) Hubris.

We gotta be smart, stay grounded, only milk this for what we absolutely need.

Sex puppet and a dinner date?

Exactly.

This is nice, William, being cuckolded with you.

And cuckqueaned.

You know it won't last forever, right?

♪♪

Yes, I do know that.

Mitzi: Eventually the truth will come out.

And when it does, don't you want to have some amm*nit*on to fire back with?

I guess I just want to do this for a little bit longer.

Deal.

I'm sorry you're gonna miss your audition today.

Might be for the best.

The gig was to play <i>Reveille</i> every morning at an insane asylum.

That's grim, Bondurant.

Thank you again for staying with me.

(Clicks tongue) You know, I always got your six, homie.

Yes, I do know that.

Good morning.

I'm not in love with you!

What?

I don't love you.

I'm sorry! It's not that you're unlovable, even though William and I don't love you, and it has nothing to do with your breasts.

Well, not a lot to do with your breasts, I suppose.

But, you see, the thing is...

I love Mitzi.

And I used you to make her jealous!

I dragged you into this and it was unfair of me to give you hope like that, but I did it anyway and I'm sorry!

It's okay, Bondurant. Just don't let it happen again.

Because your heart can't handle it?

Yeah.

I meant what I said, your breasts really are adequate, perhaps a bit off-skewed if I'm on an honesty kick, but...

No, that's enough.

And you should tell Mitzi what you just told me.

I bet she'd be happy.

Even if I never get my blow back?

Don't worry, Bondurant.

One way or another, everyone gets their blow back.

Huh.

Hah!

Oh!

(Distant rooster crowing)

(Birds chirping)

(Grunts) Heya, kiddo!

Albert? You're alive!

Nah, I ain't.

I'm your sexlucinatory episode.

What? I don't understand.

Bondurant's rehearsing tonight and how could I be...

(Music)

Mitzi! Where the hell are my pants?

Oh, no!

Oh, yeah!

But how? I thought we agreed not to tip the scales.

Shouldn't have given him that coconut body butter for his d*ck.

Might as well have been K-Y.

Okay, well, so what?

It serves Jamie and Bondurant right.

Why? What did they do?

What'd they do? What do you mean, "What'd did they do?"

You told me what they did. You told me you saw them having sex.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot I said that.

That was a lie.

What?

Yeah. Made all that sh*t up.

Those magic beans are not to be trifled with.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

How graphic would you like me to get?

Hold on.

If Jamie and Bondurant aren't cheating...

If they don't feel guilty, why are they being so good to us?

You ever think maybe they just really like you guys?

No. No. No, no.

That's... That's impossible.

Bondurant is in love with Jamie. He said so himself.

Pig Jesus! He was just trying to make you jealous.

You always act so damn cavalier.

I am not cavalier.

I'm a very open and loving and warm person.

You're emotionally stunted, Mitzi.

Probably because you've been having these damn sexlucinations since you were 14 instead of crying to your mama about your popped cherry like every other normal f*ckin' teenager.

So you're telling me I have a fantastic boyfriend who loves me?

Yeah.

And I just screwed his best friend.

Yeah.

Probably no way for me to walk this back, huh?

Unlikely.

Now, if we're done with your thing, I need to see a pond about some ducks.

(Squeals) f*ckin' bipeds...

(Whispers) Albert...

William?

Oh, hey!

What are you doing here?

Mitzi called me.

Said she needed me to crush a spider for her.

You mean that spider?

Not funny.

(Laughs) Sure it was.

You laugh, but you should be proud to have a boyfriend that's biologically programmed to fear spiders.

Fawn.

William: I'm serious.

Those big, brave cavemen all you women are always going on about...

None of them were afraid of spiders, and now where are they?

You're a miracle of evolution.

Better believe it.

So, seriously, what are you doing here?

I dunno. Wasn't really getting any writing done, thought I'd go looking for some inspiration.

Aw. Lucky me.

So, uh, what'd you do tonight?

Uh, well, the orphanage I grew up in b*rned down...

What? That's horrible.

No, it's fine. I ditched the evidence.

Saw Bondurant for a bit, too...

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, he's having some trouble blowing himself.

Must have an audition tomorrow.

Ah, the poor guy.

He really gets into his own head sometimes.

You hear he was thinking about bringing Mitzi home for Thanksgiving?

No. I didn't know that.

Yeah.

Strange, though.

I think I'm actually a little jealous.

Jealous?

It's tough for me.

Knowing that my own boyfriend can never bring me home now that his family disowned him.

(Laughs) How did you even...

Danny called me.

Wanted to make sure you're okay.

I'm fine.

My mom doesn't have a lot of drama in her life so, every few months she likes to create it in mine.

She still seeing that shrink five days a week?

No. He tried to hang himself.

Really?

Yeah, so she's only allowed to see him once a week now.

Well, your brother told me that I should take care of you. So...

That is the least sexy sex-transition I've ever heard.

(Unzipping)

♪ ♪

Jamie: Mmm... Coconut.