01x08 - MarijuanaCon

[bunniefuu]

Paige: Okay, are you ready?

One, two, three!

Yeah!

Yeah!

We're gonna be the sexiest Cheech and Chong at the con.

I'm oddly attracted to you in that beard.

Obviously.

Girl, I can't wait to show you MarijuanaCon.

Imagine Comic Con but everybody's all about getting high.

So like when you go to Comic Con.

Better.

We get to meet with all the suppliers.

We get to sample all the new products.

And having our own booth qualifies us as an official vendor, which makes us eligible for this year's Mystery Box strain.

Girl, they only award it to one supplier each season.

What is that?

This is a gratitude basket.

I signed up for the convention's Smoke A Wish bud program.

It's basically like Make-A-Wish but with cannabis.

Each volunteer is paired with a cancer patient in their 20s.

You know that there's a room where you can get rolled inside a giant doob?

No, no, I know.

I just think it's gonna be so inspiring helping a patient through such a difficult time.

You know, learning from him, helping him through those dark, tortured nights.

Maybe taking him to Europe!

I mean, you know, if that's what he wants to do.

Hey, Paige, uh, you don't think this charitable event's gonna turn into some sort of like YA "Fault in Our Stars" romance, do you?

(scoffing) No!

God, I haven't even thought of that.

I mean, after all, I might actually get paired with... a girl.

Right.

♪ We set the roof on fire ♪
♪ We set the roof on fire ♪
♪ We set the roof on fire ♪
♪ We set the roof on fire ♪
♪ We set the roof, ♪
♪ we set the roof ♪
♪ We set the roof on fire ♪♪

(sighing)

Breathe it all in, Paige.

Or actually try to take shallow breaths because it's like being inside the world's biggest bong.

Oh, they're gonna announce the secret strain.

Come on!

(crowd gasping)

man: 177Sick!

We will be hearing pitches from potential distributors starting tomorrow.

Many will apply but only one will emerge the winner!

Do you see this, Paige?!

This is the Holy Grail of weed!

Now that we have a booth we totally have a sh*t!

Um...

Yeah, there's something I've been meaning to tell you about the booth.

Who do you think we're sharing it with?

We Bong It?

I mean, they can make a bong out of anything.

Like last year, they made a bong out of my old hairdryer.

Well...

Oh, it could be Hempon, the hemp tampon.

Not even in an emergency.

Ahh!

Bentley?

We're sharing a booth with Bentley?

Um... yeah.

Sorry, did I forget to tell you that?

Well, I have to go help dying people.

Gotta change.

Bye!

What are you looking at me like that for?

You think I'm happy about this?

Tell the dying people I'm jealous!

♪ Say it baby what's your name? ♪
♪ Are you the one Mary? ♪
♪ Are you Jane? ♪

Synced and corrected by Chitorafa www.addi7ed.com Who rolled these, joints, huh?

A monkey wearing mittens?

This (bleep) is sloppy.

Maybe it's the same monkey that you pay to write fake Yelp reviews of Mary + Jane.

Botulism is spelled with a "T," idiot.

Whatever.

What the hell are those?

Doob Dude exclusive: VR goggles.

They give you the virtual experience of being high.

There's nothing in here.

You have to smoke a bowl first.

See, that's the problem with you!

You're all flash over substance.

You're just here because like this is the next cool trend.

You're a poser.

I, on the hand, am in this for the love, brother.

And that is why Mary + Jane is gonna win this year's Mystery Box strain competition!

Okay.

Wait, what?

There can only be one applicant per booth?

That's bullshit.

This booth cost $10,000.

Oh, by the way, thanks for paying half my entrance fee.

Screw that.

I get to be the one who pitches.

Wha... over my dead body!

Don't tempt me.

What?

♪♪

Whoa!

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I dropped my book of poetry.

You write poetry?

man: Move it, assholes!

My cancer's hurting.

Where's the free weed?

♪♪

Some guys have the wrong attitude.

Yeah.

woman: All right.

Hello, everyone.

Thank you for coming.

I just wanted to extend a big thank you to all the volunteers.

The Smoke A Wish bud's program is about two people embarking on a very special journey together.

So let's take the first step in that journey, you guys.

Let's meet your inspirations.

First up, Alexandra Noise, say hello to your very special bud, Josh Ruta.

Josh?

And there they are.

Oh, that's the moment I always live for.

♪ Like it's a funeral ♪

Glad I didn't get the girl.

♪ You're a real-life fantasy you're a real-life fantasy ♪
♪ But you're moving so... ♪♪

And, last but not least, because there are no bad picks, we have Trent Weston and Morton Butts.

Paige, I got ya a good one.

Trent Weston.

Ha! In your face!

Which means, Emily, you are with Morton Butts.

What?

No, I...

Hi, I'm Paige.

Congratulations, Paige, you got the dud.

Uh... no, no, no, no, no.

I...

I am super excited to get to know you.

Hmm...

And if there is anything I can do for you this weekend, please don't hesitate to ask.

Mmm, there is one thing you can do for me.

Yeah?

Show me your tits.

Yeah, and when you do it, can you lean down, because it's hard to get a good view from down here?

(gasping)

♪♪

(grunting)

Dude, I should be the one who gets to pitch.

I have wanted this my entire life.

Like the only thing you ever wanted is to twerk at a foam party in South Beach.

Yeah, been there, done that, got 18 likes, all right?

Besides, you could want it all you like but there's gonna be some stiff competition this year.

You think you can handle The Haseeds?

And you, you think you can break the Trustafarians?

Huh, look at 'em.

They roll joints using dollar bills.

They have no drive to make more loot.

(bleep)

It's the Encino Dance Moms.

♪♪

♪ Conquest ♪

Holy (bleep)!

I forgot about the Encino Dance Moms.

They are untouchable.

They run the Valley, from Burbank to Calabasas.

Oh, hey.

Do you really think those earrings make you look cool?

You look like the guy who cried during his audition for "The Voice."

(giggling)

That was four years ago!

How the hell did she remember?

There's no way I'll be able to defeat them on my own.

Well, I'm not gonna let those bullies win.

I'd strike a deal with the devil to b*at them.

Me too.

Okay, fine, but I'm the devil.

All right, fine, but you're the devil.

Wait, what?

Why would you wanna be the devil?

Whatever, deal.

♪♪

Here's what we do.

We're gonna write a rap.

Just like the musical "Hamilton," except this one is about the Founding Fathers.

So the musical "Hamilton"?

No, nothing like that, Jordan.

Open up your ear holes.

Mine is called "DOIP."

"Declaration of Indica-pendence."

♪ 17-sigidy-7Sick ♪♪

What?

Here's what we do.

We put laxatives in the Encino Dance Moms' coconut water.

Pow!

No and no.

We are not doing anything dirty to win this.

That is not me.

Look, we both run good, successful businesses, we just need to let that speak for itself.

You think I run a good business?

Yeah.

In the way that like a cockroach is a very successful animal.

Look, we don't need anything shady or gimmicky to win this.

We are stuck together, so let's get to work.

Okay, fine, but can we order room service first 'cause have you seen this edibles menu?

No!

We need to be focused.

We can't do this stoned.

Oh my God.

I have never uttered that sentence in my life.

This must really mean a lot to me.

♪♪

This... is for you.

And what the hell is this?

It is a gratitude basket I made for you.

It has...

Weed!

That's awesome.

I'll take one of these.

Um, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to pay for that.

I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to have cancer, so...

I don't think that kind of talk is healthy.

Well, there is one thing that would make me feel better.

I'm not showing you my tits.

Just show me your tits.

Look, I am so sorry if I gave you the completely mistaken impression that I was not super enthusiastic to meet you, but you must want my help on some level, otherwise why would you be here?

For all the free stuff, obviously.

Trent, I have made it my mission to give you the best weekend of your life.

And, you know, if there just so happens to be a lost love you wanna reconnect with...

There's not, there's not.

...or a family member, then maybe...

Well, there must be something on your bucket list that's not tit related.

There is one thing.

Yeah?

I've always wanted to know what it was like to k*ll a man.

Hmm?

Just watch the life go out of their eyes when you choke him to death.

Or maybe, I don't know, hit him in the head with a rock or hammer.

Just as we have overcome our personal differences, we can unite an entire city.

We are community.

We are democracy.

We are 177Sick.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Wow!

Thank you.

I think we might really have a sh*t.

Yeah.

That Wiz Khalifa song was an amazing touch.

Maybe a little flash isn't the worse thing after all.

Well, thank you.

And your knowledge of weed runs pretty deep, so props.

Are we done yet?

Yes.

(sighing)

You know a woman has never won the Mystery Box strain before?

I could be the first, like a pioneer.

Like I'm breaking through the grass ceiling.

Cool.

You know what?

All my brothers are doctors, so I'm kind of like the pioneer in my family, too.

If by "pioneer" you mean they just leave me off all the holiday cards.

Hey, whoa, don't let anybody make you feel ashamed about what you do, okay?

We deliver medicine.

We deliver love.

We do deliver love.

Turn on the live feed of the Miss Cannabis Pageant 'cause maybe we'll catch the talent competition and there is nothing better than watching a stoned girl try on chap pants.

Whoa.

(woman on TV) Oh yeah!

That's weird... ha-ha.

That's, uh... wow, should I change it?

No!

It's free p*rn.

Yeah.

This is the fanciest Best Western I've ever stayed in.

(woman on TV) Oh yeah!

I bet this guy's like... really good at licking envelopes.

Yeah.

I bet he licks like... all... the envelopes and then like opens the letters...

Yeah.

...just like reads what's inside.

It's very...

Licks all the envelops.

Just...

♪♪

Put... put the mustache back on.

(giggling)

There's something I wanted to show you.

♪ One call away ♪

Yeah, downtown Burbank is so inspiring.

Oh, look, I think I see IKEA from here.

Okay.

I thought that we could try this wish paper.

(scoffing)

See?

No, you're supposed to take a piece and then you write something...

Mm-hmm.

...that you want on it.

Oh!

Like... maybe enlightenment or... closure or peace.

And then you write it and let it fly into the air.

(lighter igniting)

And you...

Trent, what are you doing?

I'm smoking your wish.

Trent, I am trying to do something nice for you.

No, you're not.

No, you're doing this for you.

All right, you wanna pat yourself on the back because you're being nice to the dying guy.

I get it, all right.

But I'm not here to prove to you that you're a good person, Paige.

♪ I'll be there... ♪

And where is that music coming from?!

♪... to save the day ♪♪

Okay, look, you're right.

I signed up for this charity because I thought it would make me feel better about myself.

Look, can we please just start over tomorrow morning?

I promise, we can do whatever you want.

Except for staring at my tits...

Ugh...

...or m*rder.

Please.

I really think if you give me another chance we could have a lot of fun tomorrow.

Fine.

Whatever.

Okay!

Morton: I know this sounds crazy but I feel like I've known you all my life.

I think... I love you.

I love you too, Morton.

You're a little jealous.

No, no, not at all.

Would you mind turning the music back on?

♪ I'm only one call away ♪♪

Hey, Trent, it's Paige again.

Um, I thought we said 10:00 a.m. so text me when you get this.

Bye.

(woman on PA) Do not roll your swag bag...

Excuse me, are you Paige?

Yeah.

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Uh, Trent Weston passed away in his sleep last night.

Oh my God.

Well, actually, I think he may have sensed it was coming because he, uh, well, he left you a note.

"Thank you, Paige.

"Don't cry.

I'm in a better place."

I'm so sorry.

There was nothing I could do.

Because of his terminal illness?

No, because I'm a pot doctor.

But if your grief causes you any anxiety or back pain... feel free to give me a call.

♪♪

Um...

I know I cried that time but I think I'll be better...

Oh, hey, Paige.

Ugh, Bentley, you're the worst.

Isn't Bentley the worst?

I'm horrible.

He's so gross.

I'm just a bad...

Oh, wait, Jordan, you're a bad person.

You suck.

What?

Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm... I'm a little distracted.

My Smoke A Wish bud d*ed.

Are you okay? Do you wanna talk about it?

No, I...

I think maybe I just need to be by myself for a little bit.

Phew, I thought she was upset about us.

Thank God it was just about some dead guy.

(audience whistling)

♪ They see me rollin' ♪
♪ They hatin' patrollin' ♪

Trent: Show us your tits!

♪ Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪
♪ Tryin to catch me ridin' dirty... ♪

Paige: Trent!

Oh...

Oh, you can't hide.

You're in a wheelchair.

Hey...

Shh!

You are interrupting the Miss Cannabis Competition, okay?

This little lady is rolling the joints.

You have never seen anything like it.

♪ Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪
♪ Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty ♪♪

(cheers and applause)

Oh... oh man!

You faked your own death, you lying little sh*t.

No, I said I was in a better place, okay?

Look, she rolled me a va-joint shark.

What?

Look at that.

Ew!

Oh, come on.

Look, I gave you everything you wanted, all right?

A tragic death that you could go write in your journal about.

That's not what I wanted.

I wanted to give something back.

But you know what?

If what you want is to spend your last days on earth being mean to someone, then that's your right.

I hope you're happy.

Paige... don't cry.

Seriously, you're bumming out Miss Cannabis.

Ugh... whatever.

(woman on PA) Hotbox Car Service is offering a...

You know, I never thought I'd say this but we're really good together.

Yeah.

Listen, Jordan, I'm sorry that I wrote those nasty Yelp reviews about Mary + Jane.

And I'm sorry I paid that dude to take a dump on your car.

Well, you know, it's a convertible, so, technically, it was in my car.

It was in your car.

Yeah, but I appreciate that.

Yeah.

I've never been this close to like one of my dreams actually coming true before.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And, you know, just to add a little extra insurance, I spiked all the Dance Moms coconut-based liquids with laxatives.

Wait, what?

Huh?

No, I said no.

Yeah, then I read between the lines.

There were no lines.

We agreed nothing shady.

It's not shady if you win.

The ends justify the means.

Come on, it's in the Declaration of Independence.

No, it's not.

It's not?

Nope.

Oh man, I gotta rewrite like all of "DOIP."

God, I thought winning this strain would change my life, but I am not willing to change who I am in order to win it.

Not even the Holy Grail is worth that.

I'm out.

(crowd applauding)

Yes!

♪♪

We know what you did.

You really think you could take us down, little man?

We drink laxatives for breakfast.

Don't judge me.

How do you think we eat so much string cheese and stay so regular?

And stand up straight.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh... Jordan, oh...

Here are your drink tickets.

Have fun at the dance.

Dance like no one's watching.

You...

I am so sorry your bud didn't work out.

But it's nice that you still wanna work the dance.

Of course.

It's not about me, it's about the cause.

That's right.

Chin up.

Oh...

Morton just asked me to marry him!

Morton: We're flying to Italy tonight.

Even though our time is short we're making the most of it.

Mm-hmm.

Mwah!

Oh!

You.

I mean, come on.

You didn't really wanna be Mrs. Butts, did you?

You came.

Yeah.

Oh, and I, um... bought you a corsage.

Miss Cannabis made it...

Oh.

With her hands.

She's actually a very talented florist as well.

Look...

...I'm sorry.

But I did in fact fake my own death so I guess I do owe you just like a little bit.

Just a little.

So... we could, uh... go to the dance.

Not exactly my forte, obviously.

Or I was thinking that maybe we could...

...go up to the roof and sample some of the 177Sick that I got in my swag bag.

Mmm?

Okay, fine.

Holy sh*t.

That's amazing.

Actually would've been a shame to die without trying that.

(coughing)

Cancer sucks!

Yeah, you know what?

Cancer sucks!

People who say "God won't give you what you can't handle" suck!

IKEA sucks!

Splitting one book into two movies sucks!

The ending of this seasons "Walking Dead" sucks! Sucks!

(laughing)

Oh man.

That was actually a little bit of fun.

Yeah.

Uh, it's getting late.

I'll see you around.

Trent, wait.

♪♪

Yeah.

♪ Oh bless your heart, bless your heart ♪

They always show me their tits.

♪ Okay I'm reloaded ♪

(horns honking)

Come on, you damn hippies!

Move your van!

Come on, don't take a nap on your roof!

Don't... no!

Well, get comfortable because we're gonna be here for awhile.

I'm sorry you guys didn't win the strain.

Who won?

The Russian Mafia.

Yeah, no.

They kidnapped one of the judges' grandmas.

You really can't underestimate those guys.

I feel like I barely saw you all weekend.

You must've been super bored.

Uh, yeah, bored.

But like relaxing but... don't worry... but I was bored.

Yeah, nothing happened at all.

Oh good.

So how was (bleep) Bentley?

I can't hear you.

(horn honking)

(horn honking continues)

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.

No, really, like how was it?

Was he... was he just like...

(all horns honking)

I can't hear you.

♪ See I'm giving you the Declaration of Indica-pendence ♪
♪ Unresplendent ♪
♪ I'm a good candidate to take your weed to sell it ♪
♪ And bake it into cookies ♪
♪ Or even brownies like my skin ♪
♪ Wait a minute, racial ♪
♪ I'll give you girl a facial ♪
♪ Didn't mean that, please take that back ♪
♪ Yeah, let's get high mother(bleep), high ♪
♪ Come on, all white men ♪
♪ High, mother(bleep), high ♪
♪ Girl, you're blonde, you're my favourite kind of woman ♪
♪ You and me later to get, to get the move in ♪
♪ I'll rub my sack all over your... ♪ No.

I apologize that you had to hear that.

That was a really misogynist thing.

♪ I'm not a rude, dude, I'm the dude, dude ♪
♪ Yeah, girl, wanna get you down to your socks ♪
♪ So I could explore your mistery box ♪

I did it again.

I... I'm so sorry.