02x01 - Alligator Man

[bunniefuu]

(DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE)

(HIP-HOP PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES)

(BLOWS AIR)

(KNOCKING)

Hey, Droop.

(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

CURTIS: (EXHALES) What's good, my boy?

Seen our boy Clark County at Atlantic Station.

Word? I was just listening to that n*gga.

Hey, n*gga. A cup.

Oh, bet, bet, bet, bet, bet, bet, bet.

Fool, tell you about this man Chris from the job, man.

Just tell me why this man gonna come up to me today, talking about some, "I got more bars than Scooter."

I'm like, "Boy, if you don't get your g*dd*mn "illegal-ass, struggle bar-having ass out my face, boy, what is you talking about?"

This man talking like he finna quit his job off of one little, weak-ass mixtape that ain't nobody even finna listen to.

n*gga lame. He want to be somebody so bad.

Nah, for real.

Last year he was the Hotep n*gga, right?

Now that n*gga want to be hard.

n*gga's so confused.

CURTIS: That n*gga get on my last nerves, man. Oh, my God.

(PHONE CHIMES)

sh*t. What you on today?

Really, I was just trying to chill before work, you feel me?

I was trying to get some gas earlier, but, sh*t, my mans wasn't even hitting me back.

- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

You know they serving out Mrs. Winners?

Say what?

You order a number , hook you up with an eighth.

You a lie.

Real talk, n*gga.

The custodian in on that sh*t.

Oh, sh*t. We might have to fall through there, fool.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- I might get me a little meal.

sh*t, I might even get me a little nap in before the night over with.

All right, sh*t. Let me finish this.

I don't even know why you playing. Boy, you trash.

Trash-ass boy. Look. Look at you.

- Tra... Blow. Blow it.
- DROOP: Ah, here you go right here.

- Here you go right there.
- (GRUNTS, LAUGHS)

- CURTIS: Fool.
- DROOP: Damn.

CURTIS: Fool. That's what that is.

♪ But I ain't b*at that case, bitch, I did the race ♪

♪ b*at it up, where I nut? Shorty face ♪

♪ Eli blast, crackin' s like a vase ♪

♪ Pop a n*gga, then I go out my way ♪

(VOLUME LOWERING): ♪ Do the dash... ♪

SERVER: Welcome to Mrs. Winners. May I take your order?

DROOP: Yeah, can I get that, uh, two-piece... all dark...
With a side of Cajun rice.

You get that side of fried okra, too, and a peach cobbler and a number .

SERVER: A number ?

DROOP: Yeah, and a peach cobbler.

♪ Who gon' die today? ♪

SERVER: $ . . Please drive around to the window.

Man, what'd I tell you?

- Anita.
- ANITA: What?

I need you on the register after this.

♪ I-I-I'm Lil Tay-K, I don't think you want no action... ♪

(ANITA SCREAMS)

ANITA: Please don't hurt me!

Where's the storage closet at?

♪ f*ck a b*at, I was tryin' to b*at a case... ♪

f*ck.

(LAUGHS)

(CAR HORN HONKING)

(ALARM BLARING)

Mm-hmm. f*ck with me. Mm-hmm.

(ALARM CONTINUES BLARING)

(GRUNTS)

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

CURTIS: f*ck, go, go, f*ck it, f*ck, man, go.

(SCREAMING, CRYING)

(SIREN WAILING)

♪ Hey, yah, hey, yah, huh ♪

♪ Hey ♪

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER IN SONG)

- ♪ Hey - ♪ Only way ♪
- ♪ Look, hey ♪

♪ Came up on some bands, Balmain the sweater ♪

♪ Yo, Truey the pants, he did it again ♪

♪ Damn, I did it again, damn, that boy shitted again ♪

♪ Juuging again, that boy juuging again ♪

♪ Did he just hit another lick? ♪

♪ Damn, did he just run off with your sh*t? ♪

♪ Damn, did he just pull up in a whip? ♪

♪ Damn, did he just f*ck another bitch? Yup ♪

♪ And she just did a hundred tricks, damn ♪

♪ She a freaky little bitch

♪ Smokin' dope out the breeze, out the whip ♪

♪ Yo, hand full of grams, other hand full of them bands ♪

♪ Hey, hand full of grams, other hand full of them bands. ♪

(LOCK CLICKS)

(SIGHS)

Hey, man. You got to get up.

Got to go, got to go.

What's going on, man?

Oh, hell yeah.

Hey! Hey, that's my sh*t, man.

Yeah, you can't stay in here anymore.

They know you in here and they coming.

Today.

That doesn't mean you get to take my sh*t.

You got to auction it off or something, man.

Yeah, I watch Storage Wars, too.

This ain't that.

(SIGHS)

(CLICKS TONGUE) Man.

(KNOCKING)

What up?

Yo.

(DOOR SHUTS)

(HIP-HOP PLAYING FAINTLY)

EARN: Hey.

What's up, Al?

'Sup?

(EXHALES) What'd y'all do last night?

Went to Edgewood? Tear the club up?

House arrest.

Yeah, I know.

I was joking.

You want to try one of these sliders, bro?

Yeah, yeah.

Have a seat.

Be careful.

It's very, very cold.

Hey, can you, um,

you still give me a ride to the P.O.?

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'll go and get ready.

Hey, Al.

What's going on with you and Darius?

I don't want to talk about it.

All right.

Hey, Earn.

Hey. What's up, Regina?

My name's Tara.

Who's Regina?

(EXHALES, CHUCKLES)

Uh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I always think that.

I know you're Tara. You're Tara.

I just... (CHUCKLES)

You remind me of this girl named Regina I went to high school with.

Every time I see you, I'm like, "Tara's not Regina."
It's crazy 'cause you...

She was so cool.

Shut up, Earn.

(MOUTHS)

Here you go, baby.

(GRUNTS)

Darius is ready.

Cool.

Thank you.

Hey.

I don't know what's going on with you two, but I love you both.

(SNORTS, LAUGHING)

n*gga, what?

Man, get your boy.

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHS): He's crazy.

♪ Blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, hot head, oh, no ♪

♪ Pedagogue grab the microphone, and go ♪

♪ Blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo ♪

♪ Oh, no, blo, blo, blo, hot head, oh, no ♪

♪ Pedagogue grab the microphone, and go ♪

- ♪ Blo, blo, blo, blo, blo ♪
- Is Tara staying with you guys?!

- ♪ Oh, no, blo, blo, blo, blo,
blo, blo, blo, blo ♪
- Huh?

- ♪ Oh, no, clip a hundred doves ♪
- Is Tara staying over?

♪ Oh, no, blo, blo, blo, hot head... ♪

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Is Tara staying o... is Tar...

- Is Tara staying over? So...
- Oh.

'Cause if she's not, uh, can I stay over for a little bit?

I don't know, man.

You got to talk to Al.

Yeah. What's going on with you two?

I don't want to talk about it.

How's your parents?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Good. Good.

They're driving to Florida right now to visit my uncle who's dying.

Oh, Florida, huh?

Better make sure you tell them to watch out for Florida Man.

What's Florida Man?

DARIUS: Florida Man is responsiblefor a large percentage of abnormal incidentsthat occur in Florida.

Think of him as a...alt-right Johnny Appleseed.

No one knows his true identity,date of birth, what he looks like.

That's why headlines always say, "Florida Man."

"Florida Man sh**t unarmed black teenager."

(g*nsh*t)

"Florida Man bursts into ex's delivery room,and fights new boyfriend as she's giving birth."

"Florida Man steals a car, goes to Checkers."

MAN: Fries!

"Florida Man beats a flamingo to death."

"Florida Man found eating another man's face."

- No. No.
- Yes.

- Yes, it's true.
- No.

Him, the state government, f*cking cahoots.

Why would anyone even do that? (CHUCKLES)

To prevent black people from coming to and/or registering to vote in Florida, Earn. Come on.

- Of course.
- Yeah.

You want to turn the music back on?

- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.

♪ Blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, oh, no. ♪

Earnest Marks. First-time offender.

Narcotics possession with intent to sell?

Um, half a joint.

Plus they said the charge don't even count, as long as I don't get charged again.

Unless you get arrested again, not charged.

One's easier than the other.

You've already paid your entrance fee.

Yeah, my jail entrance fee. (LAUGHS)

We'll need $ for the mandatory anti-drug class materials and each class is $ , so that's...

$ plus the $ ,

$ in total. Are you able to pay this amount at this time?

No.

A payment plan will be set up for the remainder of your classes.

Please pay promptly, or a warrant will be issued for your arrest.

Would I even have to show up for these classes if I paid for the whole thing in full?

You can't, so let's not.

Take one of those cups by the door, fill it up and leave it in the cupboard.

Yes. Thank you.

(DARIUS YAWNS)

What flavor is a Flamin' Hot Cheeto?

Hot.

(SIREN WAILING)

I am tasting hot.

Robbin' Season.

Christmas approaches, and everybody got to eat.

Or be eaten.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Hey, what's up?

Yo, where you at?

I'm with Darius. We're on our way back.

Hold on, let me put you on speaker.

ALFRED: n*gga, take me off speaker.

Yeah.

Yo, I need you to go over to Willy's.

EARN: Why, what's wrong?

That Yvonne done called here screaming, saying he done kidnapped her and sh*t.

She done called the police.

So just go over there and make sure he's good, all right?

Earn, you got it?

- Yeah, I got it.
- ALFRED: All right. Peace.

Can you drop me off somewhere?

Yup.

(DISTANT ARGUING)

- I'll be back.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You mind if I come in here with you, bro?

The vibes here are just so intense.

YVONNE: Yeah, I got something for your ass. Yeah, I got...

Sure.

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)

YVONNE: I'm not playing with you.

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

WILLY: Who is it?!

It's Earn.

("I'LL BE GOOD" BY RENÉ & ANGELA PLAYING)

♪ Passin' in the streets ♪

♪ Words unspoken ♪

♪ Silence unbroken, hey ♪

♪ Just by chance... ♪

Take your shoes off.

♪ The cry of success ♪

- ♪ Left no room to guess ♪
- (DARIUS GROANS)

♪ Oh, no, oh, no... ♪

Y'all can't sleep here.

We're not staying here. Where's Yvonne?

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- YVONNE: That the police?

Bitch, you better hope it ain't the police.

- Did you lock...
- (POUNDING)

♪ I put you through, baby... ♪

Did you lock her in there?

This is my house.

I'm supposed to be asking you, "What is you doing here?"
- Yeah, Al sent me.

He too good to come see me now on his own? He DMX now?

No, he's on house arrest. Yvonne called.

Said she was kidnapped.

Did he happen to mention to you that that thieving, raggedy bitch stole $ out of my pocket while I was sleeping?

YVONNE: I did not, Willy.

Well, where, pray tell, is it, then, Yvonne?

We the only two m*therf*ckers in here.

- Did it walk out the door?
- YVONNE: I don't know.

Maybe your stupid ass drank the $ .

I ain't drank sh*t. Okay?

I ain't never drank no $ in my life.

The f*ck she talking about?

She said kidnapping when she called, okay?

Kidnapping's serious. You know that, right? Willy?

WILLY: Well, I must've kidnapped that bitch in 'cause she ain't been a kid in years.

She in there?

No, and don't go in there. The alligator's in there.

- What?
- Hmm. Vibes.

YVONNE: Mmm, there's an alligator in there, for real.

(SCRAPING, GROWLING)

Give me the keys.

It's gonna take me a while to be able to find the keys.

They're right there in front of you.

♪ I'll be better than before ♪

♪ You know I'll love you more ♪

♪ I'll be good ♪

♪ I fell in love... ♪

Hey, uh... I-I would say nice to meet you, but I don't believe in time as a concept, so... I'll just say we always met.

♪ Yeah, so good, so bad... ♪

- The police here?
- You call them?

No, but Patty next door, she quick to call.

I don't know if you remember what you said on the phone, but kidnapping is a felony, and if you tell that to the police, we're in a lot of trouble.

- You take that $ ?
- f*ck you, Earn.

I didn't take sh*t.

- Give this to Willy.
- (CASH SHUFFLING)

But make sure he gives you your change first.

If you took his $ , give it back and keep this $ .

Thank Alfred.

Was that alligator here when I was staying here?

Who? Coach? Yeah.

(SIREN CHIRPS)

Oh, sh*t. sh*t. I-I didn't call them.

Tired of m*therf*ckers knocking on my door like they the police. Wha...?
- Are you the resident here?

Man, what y'all want?

We were called about a domestic disturbance.

- No. No.
- (YVONNE STAMMERS)

No, that's the wrong house. We are not domestic.

- We not even married.
- W-We didn't call, Officer.

We-we good.

Ma'am, do you live here?

No. She don't live here.

I'm f*cking the bitch. That's the deal.

- Okay? No crime.
- We were called.

Negative. Please step out into the lawn.

I'm gonna leave the safety of my house to step out on the lawn with y'all for no reason?

I ain't... no. No. No.

I'm not finna do that.
I know how the law work.

If you're trying to arrest me, you got to get a complaint from her, and then it's got to be filled out and signed.

- That's how the law works.
- No, sir.

That's not how it works.

Comply or we will put you in cuffs.

Put me in what?

Willy, you-you-you better go on and talk to them.

WILLY: I'm not talking to these sons of b*tches about nothing 'cause I ain't do nothing.

And if they keep on trying to act like they're gonna come in here and get me, then I'll let that alligator loose and see what they do about that.
- You don't have an alligator.

- Yes, he do!
- He do got an alligator.

That's the alligator man.

Them children ain't lying to you.

I'm the alligator man. Okay?

So, now, just leave me alone, won't be no gator. All right?

We'll sh**t your g*dd*mn alligator.

Well, do it. I want to see it!

Do it!

I don't know what you trying to pull.

All I know is I ain't got to do sh*t 'cause I ain't done sh*t.

Kiss my black ass.

Hey, how's it going? That's my uncle.

He's a veteran. Please don't sh**t him.

Hey, look, we need him to step out here or we will tase him.

I know, I get it. I-I don't want this to become a big thing, okay?
Just give me five minutes, I'll talk to him. He's not dangerous.

He's-he's just unstable, all right?

Hey... is there an alligator in there?

Yeah.

Is he friendly with you?

No.

All right, five minutes.

- Just give me five minutes.
- sh*t.

Willy, you got to get out there.
I don't want sh*t to get crazy.

I don't know, it's already crazy up in here, bro.

This n*gga got a full-grown caiman in here surrounded by chicken carcasses.
- (SNIFFS)

sh*t's like an Azealia Banks Snapchat.

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

I'm on probation. I can't go to jail, all right?

If there's gonna be a sh**t, I need to get out of here.

A sh**t? n*gga, I'm not crazy.

I'm not Florida Man.

I just know the law.

As long as I didn't do sh*t, all I got to do is stay in my house.

Look, I don't know if you're high right now, but you're getting on my last nerve.

Uh-oh.

Fulton County has no problem coming in here and cuffing all of us.

- Okay? Don't be a...
- (POUNDING, GROWLING)

DARIUS: Oh, hoo-hoo.

Don't be an idiot.

How you trying to tell me about myself?

You're homeless, Earn.
You don't even have a mirror to look at yourself.

Here.

I know you all about your principles... but can we just please, just listen to Earn so we can get out of here. It's four cops on the other side of that door.

You know if they come in here, they're gonna get your ass on a whole lot of other sh*t.

You lying-ass bitch.

- I knew it.
- You mother...

Mama, I hate you, Willy.

Don't you never come back to my house no more.

And I hope they blow your motherfuckin' ass to smithereens.
- You better hope they do, bitch.

You better hope they do.

This n*gga kidnapped me.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Really, man? Huh?

What are you wilin' out for?

- You on probation. Just leave a n*gga.
- Nah.

The person who owns this house said I had to make sure you were okay.

Uh-huh.

You scared.

You got to stay on his good side now.

'Cause he's Mr. Moneybags.

Remember, Uncle Jarvis used to manage Damon when he was in that group.

Now they don't even talk no more.

'Cause you find out family is business.

No, that's not it.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

What I'm scared of is being you.

You know, someone everybody knew was smart, but ended up being a know-it-all, f*ck-up jay that just let sh*t happen to him.

Damn.

♪ So nice... ♪

Uh, see, the vibe here is just feeling more and more like jail.

So I'm gonna...

Yeah, I'll meet you in the car.

- Cool. Cool.
- Cool.

♪ That I've never felt... ♪

I didn't do sh*t.

Willy.

♪ No, it's not the... ♪

Willy.

♪ Feeling I had... ♪

(DISTANT SIREN WAILING)

I meant what I said, but I'm sorry I said it.

If that makes any sense.

I am scared about Al leaving me.

He don't need me like that anymore.

He's...

He's kind of a big deal.

I'm still mad at you about what happened with my mom.

That's why I had what I said locked and loaded.

(CLIP POPS)

You're gonna need this in the music business.

Take it.

I'm not taking that.

n*gga, I'm not asking you.

There's police all over this house.

You want to help Al or not?

(SIGHS)

And if you don't want to end up like me, get rid of that "chip on your shoulder" sh*t.

It's not worth the time.

That's what I'm telling you, there's a g*dd*mn alligator...

Yeah, I-I couldn't get him out.

He's all yours.

Willy! You coming out?

- I'm going in.
- Wait.

(DOOR CREAKING OPEN)

♪ Hey, love ♪

♪ Hey, love ♪

♪ Turn your head around ♪

♪ Turn your head around ♪

♪ Take off that frown ♪

♪ You're in love ♪

♪ Wake up ♪

♪ Wake up ♪

♪ Open the door ♪

♪ Open the door ♪

♪ Don't cry no more ♪

♪ Turn your head around ♪

♪ You're in love ♪

♪ Take off that frown... ♪

Where's Willy?

♪ You're in love ♪

♪ Ah, ah-ah ♪

♪ Hey, love ♪

♪ Hey, love ♪

♪ Hey, love, hey, love ♪

- ♪ Hey, love ♪
- ♪ Hey, love, hey, love ♪

♪ Hey, love... ♪

What's up, man?

How's Willy?

Not in jail.

ALFRED: Hmm. (SNIFFS)

Want some?

Yeah.

(ZIPPER OPENING)

(DARIUS COUGHS)

The f*ck? (LAUGHS)

What the fuduck is that?

It's a g*n.

Willy gave it to me.

n*gga, and you took it?

Yeah. You told me to help him.

I was helping him.

Yo, so let me get this straight.

You're holding a g*n for a n*gga while outside.

- That sh*t gold.
- (BOTH LAUGH)

Yo-yo, can you stash this for a little bit over here?

(LAUGHING)

You better get rid of that g*n, n*gga. (LAUGHS)

Who-who are you?

ALFRED: Oh, man. That's my boy Tracy, man.

- He got out today.
- Yeah. What's up, man?

You-you staying here?

g*dd*mn! Is you the landlord or something?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

DARIUS: That gold sh*t.

Yeah, um... I'm out of here.

I'll-I'll see you.

DARIUS (LAUGHS): Ah, that sh*t gold.

- Oh, sh*t.
- DARIUS: Hey, Earn.

You good?

Yeah. I'm good.

All right, I'll catch you.

Peace, man.

EARN: Peace.

(SIGHS)

♪ When seasons change ♪

♪ And we've again surpassed September ♪

♪ A lot of scars that kind of scare you to remember ♪

♪ Scufflin' times ♪

♪ In seeing people trying to put you down ♪