01x02 - N-E-NEW A-I-AIDE

[bunniefuu]

Places, everyone. It's show time!

Can we please not do this?

Ray, it's a new neighborhood.

We've got to find out which is fastest.

It's unnecessary.

3... 2..

It's probably illegal.

[Buttons beep]

[Sighs]

Are we ever gonna get our furniture from the old house?

There's no place for anyone to sit.

Uh, he's right. Up. You've hogged it long enough.

[Chuckles]

[Sirens approaching]

Ooh.

Health Alert or Medic-Call?

Who's the winner?

Someone pressed a Health Alert pendant?

Sorry. It was a false alarm.

But we do have a special-needs child who at some point in the future may require immediate medical care.

Your response time was exceptional.

Please accept this basket as a token of our deepest gratitude for your time and your service.

Too late. He d*ed.

♪ ♪

Listen, whoever you want to be your aide, I'll make it happen.

I mean, that's what I do.

But why this gardener man?

I mean, what makes you think that he's the one for the job?

"I like him."

Yeah, what else?

"You don't."

[Scoffs] JJ.

He mows grass for a living.

This is a man whose chief job competition is goats.

Um, Mrs. DiMeo, I-I-I'm right here.

Aww. You thought that would embarrass her.

That's cute.

Look, we got off on the wrong foot.

I'd like to give you something.

Hee-hee! Yeah.

She's smiling, right?

That's right.

So, I, uh, I'm excited.

Little nervous.

You're gonna have to help me out.

I've never been an aide before.

"I've never had one."

Oh.

Okay, well, this isn't gonna work out at all.

[Both chuckle]

"Have questions?"

I-I do, actually.

What perspective does the disability experience lend...

"Real questions."

[Claps hands] Okay, let's do this.

Do I handle bathroom stuff?

Does your dude-stuff work?

Is my voice good to speak for you?

[Deep voice] I can go lower.

[Normal voice] Are you like Rain Man? Do you count cards?

Should we go to Vegas?

Okay, you're a liar. That's good to know.

So, how can I help the DiMeos?

You're conflicted. Let me sell this.

Well, we have a request.

Don't ask. Tell. Firm.

Fine. What we want...

Need.

What we need... and we realize this is unconventional, but...

Oh, love.

We have dismissed our son's aide and chosen his replacement.

It's your groundskeeper. He starts tomorrow.

Yeah.

Kenneth! That's wonderful!

He's a natural-born caregiver.

And he's already part of the Lafayette High family.

I support it wholeheartedly.

Does no one understand how these things go?

You don't just say "Yes." You push back.

That way, we owe you something.

Okay, watch for next time.

Yes.

"We're hiring the gardener."

"As an aide? Preposterous!"

"It's our decision. It's our son."

"It's my school!"

"Well, it won't be when our lawyers are done with you."

[Gasps] "So you're going to sue me now?

Fine! I approve it on a trial basis.

But do not mistake my kindness for weakness.

I will not be threatened, and you are not the only one with lawyers, bitch!"

"...trial... basis."

This is fantastic.

Hey. What are you working on?

[Sighs] The girl I like, Jillian, I'm trying to find some time to talk to her.

This is the school.

The green dots are her schedule, and the red dots are her boyfriend Zane's.

It's all day. I can't get a minute alone.

Be patient. You'll find a window.

And shred this.

[Wheels rattling]

No. Oh, no. No!

Dylan. Dylan, stop.

We can't have the neighbors seeing you cleaning up...

Sends a bad message.

What message?

That we clean up.

Listen, you're of an age...

I want to say 12...

Where it's time that you learn who we are and... and how we deal with people.

I'm so ready.

Okay.

Our family has a complicated life, so things are gonna fall through the cracks.

Lawns aren't gonna get mowed, garbage bins aren't gonna get taken in.

It's best to be clear about that.

It's the DiMeo way. We've set the bar nice and low.

[Door closes]

Oh, no. He's coming over.

All right. Just keep quiet and don't look cute.

Damn it, child. That's adorable.

Well, hello, there [Sighs] neighbor.

My name's Tom.

Hey. [Sighs]

And your name is...? [Chuckles]

Jimmy. My name's Jimmy.

Well, I brought you a lovely welcoming gift.

They're my famous [French accent] macarons.

[Normal voice] I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have a nice family move in.

The last owner, he just really let the place go.

You're, uh...

She's really eating them fast.

Anyway, if you'd like, I would gladly give you the name of a wonderful landscaper, handyman, painter... Whatever you need.

Ah, we're... we're really more do-it-yourselfers...

Oh.

...w-who don't do it.

I see.

Okay.

You know, they're supposed to be savored.

[Clears throat]

♪ ♪

Right, he has physical therapy today at 4:00, and I've packed his lunch.

It's all cut up into small pieces to avoid choking.

[Laughs]

What's so funny?

Sorry, it's just, um... Well, you had to be there.

I was... right here, trying to instruct you on how not to k*ll my son.

Everything you need to know is in this book.

The kid comes with instructions?

Feeding, communication...

Culture?

His favorite show is "The Bachelor"?

Yes. It's our tradition.

We have a date every Monday night.

[Laughs]

Oh, you're serious.

This is beautiful...

The bond between a... mother and... son.

[Both snicker]

[Engine starts]

Ooh! Wait!

Hold on!

Right. Here's a sweater in case he get cold.

And this is sunblock 'cause he's very fair.

And if there's a medical emergency, one of these is very fast, and one isn't.

I don't remember. Press them both.

He's gonna be okay.

This is hard for me.

He's my world.

Look.

I admit, I don't have this figured out.

It felt like a challenge and also a good way to help somebody.

I will earn your trust, Mrs. DiMeo.

Your son is in good hands.

[Tires screech]

[Brakes screech]

I'm not gonna lie.

That sucked.

Jillian. You're alone.

Don't you and Zane have Spanish together?

Zane? No, he switched to Mandarin.

What's that?

Uh... it's a contract.

I'm leasing a car.

Bad idea. I am too young.

So, Mandarin? Like the oranges.

Like 'em? I love 'em! [Chuckles]

You can put them on salad or you can eat them alone.

You got to peel them, though.

It's a lot of work. It's not worth it.

Uh, all right.

I have a window. Yes!

[Cellphone rings]

Mrs. DiMeo.

Hello, Kenneth.

Just checking to see you arrived safely at school with my son and that, once there, removed him from the van.

We're in school, and JJ's doing just fine.

Here he is. You can ask him yourself.

Did he just put you on the phone?

Take the phone back, Kenneth!

The boy doesn't speak!

That's kind of the whole thing!

Roger that.

Have a great day, Mrs. DiMeo.

[Chuckles]

All right, um, let's get down to business.

There's a lot going on here.

Are you a sports guy or, uh, you into music?

What do you think about?

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

That's curious.

I didn't notice a "butt" section in the book.

Might an aide help in that department?

All right.

First thing, uh, we got to do something about this.

Ugh.

Let's go shopping.

Kenneth: Uh, lost-and-found, please.

My friend misplaced some things.

What did he lose?

Let's see what you got.

Come on, JJ!

♪

It's a girl's shirt, man.

It buttons on the wrong side.

Yeah, but I'll know.

We said we'd try. Now we know.

Yeah, I'm liking this.

Wait a second.

Young man... do I see a chest hair?

Look.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, we got to show that thing off.

Ray: Hey, Dylan.

Have you heard about these glowing worms in New Zealand that hang from caves and catch their prey in slimy threads?

Ray, please.

I'm pretending to do homework.

[Door opens]

Dad. Great news.

I found my window with Jillian.

And I also found the perfect short thing to say to show her I'm cool.

Oh, no. Ray, please, not the glow worms.

Shh!

Dad, have you heard about these glowing worms in New Zealand that hang...

It's weak.

It's tight!

Mnh-mnh.

Dad. Look.

Huh?

Look what I did.

Come on. Lousy neighbors.

Tone set.

Ohhh, Dylan, you didn't.

[Sighs] What?

It's the DiMeo way.

No, this is not who we are.

Picking on people, pulling pranks...

That's a jerk move.

The DiMeos are not jerks.

We're idiots.

What's the difference?

People hate jerks.

Jerks are mean.

But idiots... Idiots are gonna mess up.

And what are you gonna do... Get angry? They're idiots.

So the world lets idiots lead their idiot lives.

That's what we want.

Think he'll know it came from us?

Nah.

He's probably just pointing over here, saying, "I'm a weirdo.

I angrily point at things I love."

Young woman: Everyone, this is JJ.

All: Hi, JJ!

JJ is interested in being our new cheer manager, and I don't think the fact that that's not a thing is any reason to say "No."

[All cheering]

[Giggles]

[Giggles]

Oh, dude! We got to go.

You have your appointment.

"I always..." M-I... "miss them.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

"They need their manager."

Are you trying to be adorable right now?

Fine.

But if your mother calls, we got to go.

All right?

All right. Let's see what these young ladies got, huh?

Can't be a guy who drives a van and says that.

I'll... be right over here.

Joyce, I'm so sorry.

JJ never misses an appointment.

I mean, he's got this new aide, and, I mean, I just...

I have to believe that he's okay.

You know what? You're upset.

I'll get out of your way. Send me a check.

A check? What check? Why would I send you a check?

For my time, of course. And I drove here.

Ahhhh.

You're a pushy little hippie, aren't you?

Ray! Get in here!

It's time for your physical therapy.

I'm... not JJ.

I'm... I'm the other one.

I know who you are. Your brother's MIA.

If we pay for physical therapy, we get physical therapy.

Go on. Heal him.

[Cellphone clicks]

Now!

Copy that. All right. Follow me.

All: Yeah!

Whoo!

Whoo!

[Cellphone vibrates]

Be aggressive!

B-E aggressive!

Whoo!

[Cheering continues indistinctly]

♪ ♪

Ready?

Be aggressive!

B-E aggressive!

Whoo!

Looks like you're working up a sweat, huh?

Listen... Never a mistake.

Mm-hmm?

Now, since this is our first time working together, if you can't make it all the way to the cone, no cause for shame.

I think I'll manage.

[Chuckling]

Oh, I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

Just walk how you normally walk.

This is how I walk.

Oh, no. Okay.

This is all wrong.

Listen. You pronate.

You have a petite gait with a 20-degree kickout.

It's gonna cause back pain and organ imbalances.

I mean, it's fine for today, but is this your long-term walking plan?

[Whimpering] I mean, it was!

Okay. Don't worry. Don't worry. We'll get you there.

It's gonna take work... Hard work...

But we are gonna do it, all right?

Let's go back to the top, here. We're gonna try again.

But this time, plant the heel, little toe mound, big toe mound.

Swing the opposite arm as you plant with an imaginary string pulling you up, elongating your form.

Go.

[Exhales sharply]

♪ ♪

[Breathing heavily]

What have you done to me?!

All: DiMeo! DiMeo! JJ DiMeo!

DiMeo! DiMeo! JJ DiMeo!

Oi!

Aah! Aah!

You're watching cheerleaders?!

I've been worried sick!

2, 4, 6, 8, who do we take for granted?

Wouldn't you just say "Not appreciate"?

I've been calling you for an hour.

Oh, really? Where's my phone?

I'm sorry, but, um... we were just having fun.

And where are your clothes?

I gave him a little upgrade.

Ohh. New and improved, is it?

All it took was a day away from me.

Great.

You know what? Give me your keys.

Come on, JJ... if that is indeed still your name.

All: Kenneth! Kenneth!

JJ and Kenneth!

Kenneth! Kenneth! JJ...

Chant about the mom.

...and Kenneth!

The mom!

Kenneth! JJ and Kenneth!

Mom, mom, the mom!

JJ and Kenneth!

The mom!

Stop making excuses for the man. I don't want to hear it.

Mom, we need to talk.

I'm a petite walker who pronates [Door closes] with a 20-degree kickout.

Everybody knows that, Ray. It's not the time.

I don't trust the man.

He left you in the street. He missed your appointment.

Nope. Don't drag me into this.

I have walking videos to watch.

"He gives me stuff you can't."

What? Like fun?

I'm very, very fun. I'm a barrel of laughs.

"You think you know all I want."

But I do!

I literally wrote the book, JJ.

I know you better than you know yourself.

[Scoffs]

I'm not saying that.

What?

"I hate 'The Bachelor.'"

[Gasps] Take that back!

[Doorbell rings]

What's the play?

Don't worry. Follow my lead.

Tom. Hey, neighbor.

Don't, okay? That word means something.

This is about not keeping the house up.

Okay, listen. I've thought about it.

It is really not too much to ask.

We... we have...

Oh! Again!

Who keeps sending us pizzas?

Tom: Wait. What?

I... [Sighs]

Jimmy, I owe you an apology.

Why? Are... Are you doing this?

Tom! We're neighbors!

No. Someone's been sending me pizzas, okay?

I thought you were pranking me.

Well, if I was, then I'm also pranking myself, so... it's not that.

Oh! [Snaps fingers] You know who I bet it is?

It's this Charlie guy... Lives two streets over.

Little guy? Shifty?

No. Yeah. I've seen him.

Okay. Not a great first day for Kenneth.

Yeah, but it makes for a fantastic last one, doesn't it?

Can you believe that JJ thinks that man knows him better than I do and that he's more fun?

Wait a minute. Is that what this is?

If Kenneth doesn't have what it takes, okay, he's got to go.

But if this is about you feeling threatened, you have to get over it.

No, no, no. It's the first one. It's the one you liked.

Can I fire him now?

[Sighs]

Look, I mean it.

Doesn't matter if he's fun. It's not what the job's about.

The job is about JJ's dignity and safety.

It's about feeding him and showering him and taking care of his basic needs.

Kenneth does not have what it takes.

[Sighs]

JJ loves Kenneth.

This is gonna sting.

[Sighs]

You're right.

I'll get the principal to do it, eh?

[School bell rings]

Did she say what this was about?

She did not.

Mrs. DiMeo.

If this is about the stuff that we took from the lost-and-found, tell her we'll return it.

He just liked it.

And finding Crocs in my size... [Chuckles]

I felt like it was a sign.

I'll be sure to convey that.

I know that you called this meeting, but I-I have news.

It turns out there's training Kenneth would require, and in a world where there are qualified applicants, the district can't justify the expense.

The request was denied.

[Chuckles]

You seem... broken up.

Perhaps I should tell them myself?

[Inhales deeply]

Yeah. Do that.

Where's my son?

He had to use the restroom.

But he needs me for that.

Kenneth: All right, pal.

It's okay, buddy. I got you.

Nice and easy.

All right. All right, it's all good.

You'd do the same for me, right?

Yeah.

All right, but don't make me guess next time, okay?

If you hold it in too long, then we got trouble.

We already took the last pair of pants in your size.

[JJ chuckles]

[Chuckles]

Yeah, no need to thank me. We're boys.

We're keeping Kenneth.

Is this the arguing thing from before?

Oh, goody! What do I say now?

No, no. This isn't a conversation.

But... wait. The list.

Yeah, you know what everyone on that list has in common?

White men.

Well, h-have you seen it?

I-I can't imagine that Grace Huang is...

It's very simple.

Terminate a child's aide based on race and have a giant PR nightmare or make this work.

Understood?

[Sighs] I can do it.

I have dirt on the superintendent.

He's my brother, but screw it.

[Dialing]

Oh. Hey, Ray.

Hi, Jillian.

I saw something online, and I thought of you.

Have you heard about these glowing worms in New Zealand that hang from caves and catch their prey in slimy threads?

I saw a video.

When they glow, it looks like the night sky.

Right! That's what made me think of you...

Because we both love astronomy.

[Chuckles] That's sweet.

[School bell rings]

Time for class. Walk with me.

Joyce: [Echoing] Walk to the cone.

Petite walker.

Walk how you normally walk.

You stupid petite walker!

You're a disgrace!

You'll never amount to anything!

She didn't even say that.

♪ ♪

Are you all right?

[Scoffs]

Just go!

Why did you have to make me walk?!

So, all the principal wanted to know was whether we were happy with Kenneth.

And are we?

We are.

I mean, it's an adjustment...

To you and a little to my son.

But I'll try.

To be frank, yesterday, I didn't trust or like you.

Now I trust you.

It's a start.

Dad. Check it out.

[Indistinct shouting]

I bet that's Charlie.

Wow. Tom's really letting him have it.

Poor guy. Collateral damage.

Wait. So we're just gonna let this happen?

Seems like kind of a jerk move.

I didn't want any pizza that night, Charlie, okay?

I'd already eaten.

I didn't do it!

Now, now, now, now. Now, wait. Hang on.

It wasn't Charlie.

It was us.

You?

We did it. I'm sorry.

It was just a messed-up try to announce ourselves to the neighborhood.

You're a nice guy, and you...

All of you... Deserve to know now, [Chuckling] we're lousy neighbors. Yeah.

We're not gonna take in our trash bins.

We're not gonna fix up our house.

If we receive your packages, they will become our packages.

We had a snake when we moved in.

Where it is now is anyone's guess.

And we're definitely gonna swim in all of your pools.

We already did.

It's just... who we are.

Let me get this straight.

You pranked us, lied about it.

You people are awful, and you know it.

And you've decided you're not gonna do anything about it ever.

I mean, you people are jerks.

Dylan: No.

We're idiots.

♪ ♪

I just work here.

[Chuckles]

Lauren B.: [Gasps] Oh, my God.

[Romantic music plays]

[Crowd cheering]

[Remote clicks]

Yes.

Give me that thing. [Chuckles]

♪ ♪

You too, darling.

You'll always be my baby.

[Grunts]