01x05 - A Taste of Zephyria

[bunniefuu]

And sweep the mine.

And sweep the... [Todd laughing] and... sweep the mine. [Todd laughing]

[clears throat]

[laughing]

.. and... sweep...

[mine explodes]

Damn it!

Uh, excuse me, Todd, do you mind?

Some of us are actually trying to work here.

Oh, sorry, my bad. Wait, you're Zephyrian, right?

You might appreciate this.

[audience laughs on computer]

Hmm.

Excuse me. I ordered the chopped salad.

Chopped salad?! Oh!

[yells loudly]

[studio audience laughter]

[shouts]

[shouts]

What the hell is this?

It's this idiotic sitcom called "I'll have what he's stabbing."

One of the main characters is Zephyrian and he's super violent.

You ruined my salad.

[yelling]

All right, it's kind of funny. [laughs]

It's not funny. It's r*cist, is what it is.

Is this what you think Zephyrians are like?

Not just because of the show.

I mean, you're the scariest, most violent person I've ever met, Zorn.

That's not true. I would never do...

So, this wasn't you, Rom Rom? Because it looks to me like this was done with a giant sword.

[Linda and Todd laugh]

He just cut the table in half!

I've seen you do that exact move.

[Todd and Linda laughing]

[growling]

[title anthem]

Rom Rom: Split the bill?! Not a problem!

[Rom Rom yells]

I don't get it. I mean, it's 2016.

Are people okay with this sort of racism?

I blame the Mexicans.

Yeah, sure, Zephyrians are proud warriors, but we've also got a rich history of art, and music and food.

I-I mean, we invented tiny carrots, which the rest of the world is only now discovering.

Alangulon, here, come here.

You won't believe this. There's a Zephyrian character on TV who's basically just...

Oh, Rom Rom?

No, he's hilarious.

Hilarious?!

What are y... No, he's an affront to our culture.

Our culture? I'm AmErican.

Only from the waist up.

Yeah, I mean I'm half-Zephyrian technically, like by blood.

But culturally? I mean, I wouldn't even k*ll a spider.

Yeah, I wouldn't k*ll a spider, either, because they're reincarnated wizards.

But is that what you think of us, that we're all just raging, warlike barbarians?

Yeah, that's basically, like, the definition of a Zephie.

"Zephie"? Oh, my god. Who taught you that word?

You did. You say it all the time.

I can say it 'cause I'm from Zephyria and-and proud of it, I might add, unlike you.

You never even wear the warrior's belt I got you.

You think I'm gonna wear that in public?

Uh, yeah, 'cause it's a symbol of your Zephyrian heritage. Okay?

In fact, you know what? You're wearing it today. [sighs]

Give me that. Here. [magical chiming]

Dad, come on.

You know, he's just gonna take it off when he gets to school.

Zorn: Oh, no, no, no. Don't do that, Alangulon.

No, uh, t-t-that thing is enchanted, okay?

If you take it off, you'll turn to stone.

Should've mentioned that before I guess, right? [chuckles]

So, I keep a slice of the free bread, order the open-face sandwich, boom. Regular sandwich.

There's no place like Gnome!

[chuckles]

Oh, new neighbors moved in.

There's no place like Gnome!

[Gnome chuckles]

Dave Ellis and Wendell Knox playing hacky sack.

If this doesn't say Sophomore class, 2017, I really do not know what does.

I got the, uh, perfect yearbook caption here.

[chuckles] "Just a couple of sack masters straight blastin' the hack." Or the sack.

"Two sack masters hackin' the..." uh, yeah... [nervously chuckles]

Never mind.

'Sup, losers?

Yo.

I'm just kidding.

You guys are my only friends.

Oh, my god, diversity students sitting around each other.

This is what we call in the yearbook business the money sh*t.

If you'll excuse me.

Dude, she's totally into you.

What?! [laughs]

No, I mean, we're just friends.

Layla? I mean...

Maybe? I... You think, you think-think, like, we could...

Yes, dude, totally.

Now get over there and show her that awesome Zephyrian belt your dad gave you. Get it out.

No, no, stop.

[groans]

Did something just...?

Alan: Huh?

What? [nervously laughs]

There's no place like Gnome! [chuckles]

There's no place like Gnome!

[tense music]

There's no place like Gnome!

[Gnome chuckles]

Hey, uh, you guys have any herpes cream I could borrow?

Uh... For a friend?

Craig: Oh, yeah, I think we might.

A friend left some over here.

Zorn: Nice.

So, knocking, you're over that? That's not happening anymore?

Aw, come on, Edie.

I've got sensitive knuckles. You know that.

Oh, by the way, I just bumped into your new neighbor.

Really?

Friendly guy.

You know, good sense of humor, too, which I like.

You know, I mean, he keeps telling the same joke over and over, but it's only getting funnier.

That stupid talking Gnome. I was up all night!

Well, get rid of it then. You know, you can smash it or-or you divorce it, that seems to be your go to method.

Edie: No, it's fine. It's under control.

We're gonna slide a polite, but sternly-worded letter under their door.

Zorn: Letter? The Edie I used to know bashed 30 orcs with a w*r hammer when they threw a party that went past midnight.

Well, I'm not gonna get all Zephie-ish on our neighbor.

Whoa, whoa. Easy. "Get Zephie-ish"?

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

Well, you just said I should...

Zorn: Wow. You know, I'm curious, how come people never say they're "getting Zephie-ish" when they're weaving a beautiful tapestry, or reciting an epic poem, or inventing tiny carrots?

Edie: Zorn, I just...

I mean, it's no wonder

Alangulon only knows about Zephyria through stereotypes.

You've taught him nothing.

Come on, you can't deny that Zephyrians get what they want through v*olence.

Zorn, I can relate to the discrimination that you're referring to.

Craig, you have no idea what I'm talking about.

Edie, it's bad enough I have to deal with this at work, but my own son?

Well, maybe you should educate him.

I find the best way to do that is through a culture's cuisine.

That's how I learned all about Ohio.

There's no place like Gnome! [laughs]

I always think he's gonna say "home," and then, uh, you know, curveball. [chuckles]

[bell rings]

[indistinct conversations]

Caption: "Yearbook photographer waits for a ride."

[chuckles] Is that the best you got?

I know. That was pathetic, right? Yeah. Um...

Hey, you know what, I have that, uh, spirit day page write-up to do still, and you have all the photos.

So, I was just thinking maybe, uh, we could work on it, go get a cup of coffee? I don't know.

Together?

No, I... Well, I mean... It's-it's a...

No.

...bad idea, probably.

Yeah, yeah, uh, yeah.

I don't know, it's like...

Coffee sounds...

Yeah, let me just grab my backpack.

Cool.

Go do the backpack.

Yeah.

[tires screeching]

Oh, my god, oh, my god. Alangulon, get in the car!

Hurry up, your mom was in an accident.

What? What kind of accident? What...

The accident of not raising you with an appreciation of Zephyrian culture.

Wait, what? Are you serious?

What?!

Driver, let's go!

Alan: No.

You know, all the reviews say this is the most authentic Zephyrian experience in Orange County.

You know, before you made me picture mom dead in a car crash, I was actually supposed to meet someone and it was... it's pretty important.

Yeah, well, I mean, it just seemed like you weren't that into learning about Zephyrian culture, so I was worried you wouldn't come, so, you know, I improvised.

Yeah, I was worried that mom was dead.

Oh, boy, were you ever. [chuckles]

Welcome to taste of Zephyria, where the enemy to be battled is hunger.

I'm Eric, I'll be your server tonight.

Hey, before we get started, Eric, uh, can I ask you which Zephyrian battle that mural is depicting?

Ooh, is it the battle of Orphan's Cove?

Oof, we lost a lot of good men to those orphans.

This place used to be a mexican church.

We inherited that mural and just kind of made it our own.

Alan: Uh, how's the stir-fry?

Delicious. It comes with a zesty Zephyrian sauce.

Oh, you mean goat urine.

I, uh, think we use lemon juice?

Anything to drink?

Uh, yeah, two goat-urine-ades. It... uh, larges.

I mean, unless there's free refills, then we'll just get smalls.

No ice in mine, please.

No, okay, Dad, it's not on the menu.

Sir, while we may have taken a few tiny liberties, we are otherwise 100% authentic.

[people clapping]

♪ Happy, happy birthday ♪
♪ we're so glad you came ♪
♪ happy, happy birthday ♪
♪ from the taste of Zephyria g*ng ♪

[yells loudly]

Zorn: Oh, my god. What is this?

Come on, come on, let's go. We're going.

We're out of here. Come on!

But...

Hey. I'm Edie. I live next-door and I just wanted to welcome you, both of you guys, to the neighborhood.

Well, hey, right back at you, Edie.

Uh, I'm Ron Lee.

And I'm April Lee.

Well, great. I just wanted to say hi.

Hi.

Oh, but, hey, while I'm here, did you get the letter that my fiancé left for you?

The letter.... Yes, we did.

Indeed, we did.

We did, and you know what, we appreciate the feedback, we do.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

"Feedback..."

Yeah.

So... does that mean you're not...

Not gonna take down the Gnome.

[car door opens]

You don't eat Zephyrian food with a fork! I should've taken that fork and scooped out that dumb waiter's eyes!

Hi, mom.

I'll see you inside, sweetie.

[glass clattering]

I don't... Eat Zephyrian...

[yelling incoherently]

Is that Craig?

[laughs] Him? That's funny because...

Zorn: Making fun of my culture!

[Zorn grunting]

Oh, you must die.

...that is my fiancé. Yes.

That is Craig.

Ron: He's Zephyrian?

Yes. He's Zephyrian.

Wow.

Why don't we take the Gnome inside?

I think that's a good idea, sweetie.

Yeah.

[both laugh]

It's right over there.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

So nice meeting you.

Yeah, nice to meet you guys.

Ron: Such a pleasure.

[Zorn's w*r cry]

[grunting]

Oh, Zorn, will you open these pickles for me, please?

Oh, oh, I get it.

Because Zephyrians are big and strong, right?

That's all we're good for, huh?

Lifting stuff and opening up your people's pickle jars?

[chuckles] You know, never mind.

I just need to put a little elbow grease into it.

Oh, wow, elbow grease?

'Cause Zephyrians have greasy elbows?

Wow.

Hey. You went there, huh.

Hey, hey.

Hay?!

Oh, because we love eating fried hay?

No! I just... I wasn't trying to offend you.

Todd, you need to learn that people aren't stereotypes. For instance, I'm not gonna have fried hay right now.

I am gonna have pickle.

[grunting]

Hi, excuse me. Can you use your karate to open up this pickle jar?

[bell rings]

What's up?

Whoa, who d*ed? "In memoriam"?

Mr. Henderson got hit with a poison dart.

Oh, that's weird.

Doctors think he's gonna pull through, but...

It's my job to be ready if and when he does not.

Huh. I mean, Comic Sans?

Is that really the appropriate font to convey a respectful sadness?

Layla: Maybe not.

Sounds like the sort of thing we could discuss over coffee.

Or say we will and then one of us can just disappear.

Layla, oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Okay, my dad, he said my mom got in an accident just so he could take me to a restaurant.

Hey, can I make it up to you?

My dad's working late on Friday.

Maybe you want to come over?

And do yearbook stuff?

No, I was thinking we could watch a movie... or something.

Yeah, okay.

Yes, yes.

Yeah, cool. Great.

Okay, cool.

Movie.

Movie. [chuckles]

Hey, Ron, just wanted to say thanks for taking the Gnome down. Yeah.

And I have just a few other small requests.

So, you know how your oak tree drops its leaves in our yard?

Well, it does, yeah. I mean, I don't have a problem with it, but Craig has a huge problem with it.

He got so angry, he crushed a rock with his bare hand.

I did what now?

Uh, he would appreciate that. Take care.

Did you say I crushed a rock?

I was, uh, talking about a dream in which dream Craig did that.

Ooh, tell me more about this "dream Craig."

Well, apparently no one around here has appreciation for Zephyrian culture.

Are you kidding?!

Oh, oh, sorry, forgot to knock, right?

Okay. Ow, ow, my knuckles.

Ouchie. Ow, ow.

Look, Zorn, I'm sorry, but you may just need to be okay with your son never becoming a barbaric maniac.

I just know that if he could see Zephyria in person, he'd love it.

But there's no way he's had all his sh*ts.

You know, he hasn't had leprosy, you got bubonic plague, wizard's beard, purple fever, bigpox, cursed treasure allergies, irritable basilisk syndrome.

Well, Zorn, if you can't bring Alan to Zephyria, why not bring Zephyria to Alan?

"Bring Zephyria to Alan." Hey, wait a second... yeah... yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So... is that it? Are we good?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, I'm good. I'm good.

I'm just taking it all in still. Pretend I'm not here.

Hey so just to warn you, uh, my dad only has a Laserdisc player, and a movie called Fletch Lives.

Aw, I've seen it, like, so many times.

Are you serious?

No, I don't know what that is. [chuckles]

That would be...

Fletch Lives?

Zorn: Alangulon! Welcome to Zephyria!

Do you like it? If not, it was Craig's idea.

Zorn: Alangulon. Alangulon's concubine.

Come with me on a journey to the beautiful, exotic land of Zephyria where you will learn all about...

[voice breaking]: the greatest damn culture on Earth.

[chuckles] You can go, for real. Just take off.

Please. No, please, really, just go.

No.

It's cool. It's-it's interesting.

Now Zephyria is known for many things: w*r, bloodshed, tyranny and style.

[runway-type music plays]

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. [cackles]

Okay, we're ready, Frank! Frank is funky and fabulous, but still playful, wearing the remains of several endangered Zephyrian species.

Dad, is that fur? Have you k*lled a bunch of animals to make a piece of clothing? Really?

Oh, we're not dead!

We are in terrible agony!

[yells and grunts]

[pelts grunting, crunching sounds]

Zorn: See, Alangulon? They're alive.

Nobody had to k*ll anybody.

[grunting and crunching continues]

[loud crunch, pelt yells]

Except Frank. Frank just k*lled them.

Alan: Okay, uh, you... seriously you can go, no problem.

Take a...

No, no, no, no.

But while looking sexy is obviously important, many Zephyrians also appreciate... the arts.

Layla: Wow.

That's so cool. Who is she?

This is Winona, one of the most brutal and feared she-warriors.

She looks so real.

It's kind of... mesmerizing.

Zorn: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Oh, oh, oh, cover your eyes, Layla.

She's coming for your soul.

Alan: Okay, whoa, whoa, Layla?

[demonic voice]: Layla's no more. I am Winona.

All who oppose me will be destroyed!

Yeah, no, forgot to mention, our paintings are actually soul prisons.

[grunts]

What just happened?

Huh? [nervous chuckle]

Why are my bones cold?

Uh, because you just had your soul possessed by an evil spirit.

Uh, your dad hit that, by the way.

Before and after spectral transformation.

Okay, I think we've all learned a lot about Zephyria.

I know I've got enough for one day here.

Let's-let's-let's head on out.

No, no, no, no, no. You can't leave yet.

The night's about to hit a "high note."

Is that made of throats?

That?

That's... of course not, not made...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure is. All human throats too.

I mean, you consider children human, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course you do.

No, yup, all human.

[strange sound]

Oh, that doesn't sound right.

[strange sound, then honk]

[slap] Oh!

Alan: Aw!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[stunned gasping]

Dad, you're so embarrassing!

Whoa, whoa, hey, calm down, buddy.

Calm down? Calm do... you just hit my friend in the face with a human tongue! I hate Zephyria.

I'd rather live in Florida.

[Zorn gasps]

Take that back!

Layla: So... I'm gonna go.

Thank you for all the new ideas about clothes, and art and... Thanks.

Hey, uh, hey, I'm sorry, but that was like a total nightmare.

Yeah, three of the things I saw today were from actual nightmares I've had.

But honestly, I thought it was really sweet the way your dad put the whole thing together for you.

That was sweet? My dad's culture's so weird.

It really only got weird for me after you started yelling at him.

Um...

[Alan sighs]

[car engine starts]

[grunts]

[line reeling]

Layla...

Layla! [yells]

Layla! Laylaaa!

So how was your "Zephyria night"?

Zorn: Horrible. No, Alangulon hated it.

Well, I want to say I'm surprised.

Ah, hell, I guess I'll just have to accept that my son hates Zephyria.

Little by little, he'll assimilate, and my great-great-grandchildren will have no idea that glorious Zephyrian blood is running through their veins.

Well, let's not get drama...

[wind chimes]

[rooster crows]

[wind chimes, owl hoots]

[cow moos]

There's no place like Gnome! [chuckles]

Zorn: [laughs] Oh, hey, the Gnome's back!

Well, I've got to admit, that cheers me up a bit.

Quite a bit actually.

Edie: Shut up Zorn!

Did you see the neighbors' yard?

Craig: Lawnapalooza, right?

Which is so weird, since we had such a nice talk yesterday.

Wait, what?

Oh, yeah, I ran into Ron and April at the mailbox, and I thanked them for being so responsive to my letter.

[chuckles] Oh, and get this. They thought Zorn was your fiancé.

[fake laugh] Really?

[laughs] I know, right?

Anyways, I cleared it all up.

[Alan grunting]

[knocks on door]

[gasps] Alan, stop! What are you doing?

You're gonna turn yourself to stone!

Edie, that's a myth.

Alan, masturbation is perfectly normal, and fun.

What is wrong with Zephyria?

Can't they just make something that holds your pants up?

Even their belts have to assassinate people?

Look, all Zephyrian culture isn't bad.

Did your dad show you the throat-sicord? That's cool.

The dead people's throats tied together?

Well, it's actually made of throats of men who d*ed on the b*ttlefield. It's a great honor.

Uh, what about the child's throat?

They do need a high C.

See, that's what I'm talking about, Mom.

They're all a bunch of violent warriors.

Warriors who are defending their country, their families, people they love.

You could call it violent, or you could call it heroic.

Yeah, your dad is certainly a hero.

Look, he moved halfway around the world, no friends, no job.

Barely a child's understanding of how the real world works.

All that, just so he could be closer to you.

[computer beeping]

Todd: Zorn?

Listen, uh, I feel really bad about those insensitive things I said.

I mean, "hey, hey, hey?"

I knew what I was doing.

Yeah, so what?

We like fried hay. Big whoop. But you wouldn't go up to a swedish person and say, you know, "meatball, meatball, meatball." Right?

Ah, well, maybe you would.

I know.

A-A-And I'm sorry.

Will you let me make it up to you?

This is supposed to be the most authentic Zephyrian restaurant in town.

[phone vibrates]

Oh, my God!

Zorn, where are you g...

Hi, there. Let me start you off with some complimentary fried hay.

Where's Alangulon?

Edie said he was in an accident.

Alan: Yes, the accident of not appreciating you teaching me about your culture.

Dad, I-I'm sorry. I guess I just, you know, was embarrassed and being an idiot.

And, you know, it's actually really cool that you spent all that time and work to teach me about where I came from.

No, no, no, no, no, but I was forcing it on you.

I should be apologizing to you.

Well, I guess we've both got some reconciling to do.

Hey! Are you doing the dance of reconciliation!

Oh, no, not quite.

No, that's-that's actually the dance of perpetual virginity.

But you are nailing it, son!

Zorn: Okay, now that we've got all the little rocks between you and the belt, it'll think you have turned to stone, then we can take it off, okay?

Here we go. One, two, three!

[belt unlatches, relieved sigh]

Alan: Wow. Well, too bad that belt's enchanted, otherwise, you know, I might wear it... sometimes.

Wait, you want a Zephyrian belt? I'll make you one.

Hey Craig, give me your belt!

In your dreams, big boy. This is woven leather.

Its funny that you think you have a choice here. [phone vibrates]

Hi, Ron. Thanks for calling me back.

Ron: Hope you don't mind me calling you at Gnome, which there is no place like.

Okay, I deserve that. I'm sorry I lied to you guys.

I just hope we can move past this.

Hey, I get it. And I guess we could've behaved a little better too. We'll take down all the stuff.

And maybe I'll be willing to talk about the Gnome.

Oh, I'd appreciate that.

Honestly? I'm just happy we don't live next to a Zephie.

Excuse me?

I mean, could you imagine what would happen to our property value?

I mean, Zephies are a violent people with greasy elbows. So...

[tense music]

Hello, old friend.

There's no place like Gno...

[crash]

[music]