01x11 - The Battle of Self-Acceptance

[bunniefuu]

We are celebrating the union of Zorn, Defender of Zephyria, Conqueror of the Tribes of Agon, Decapitator of the Dark Herdsmen of Grith, to Edie... Bennett.

So, by the power bestowed by the god of w*r, I pronounce...

Male voice: I oppose this union.

[hisses]

[laughs]

[audience gasps]

Sir Pent.

You can't marry... a dead woman.

[bleep]

[grunts]

[audience cheering]

I'm sorry, honey. I know I promised not to disembowel [music] anyone at our wedding, but he was about to explode your head.

I love you, babe.

Edie: See? [beep] I'm glad we watched that.

That's exactly how I want my hair for our ceremony.

Craig: So, we're not gonna talk about how Zorn just saved you from a murderous snake person at your own wedding?

Oh, he was just an ex. We went on, like, three dates.

Four if you count the initial kidnapping.

You know, I've never seen you look at me that way.

Would you call this a French braid?

No, that's a Dutch braid.

Hmm.

I'd like to see Zorn correctly identify a braid.

I love you, Edie, and, hey, I love your Dutch braid.

Craig: Son of a...

[title music]

Hey, Alan.

Oh, hey, Layla. What's up?

I'm plant sitting for my aunt. She's away this week, and I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to come over tomorrow and hang out.

Totally, yeah. Plants and no aunts?

That sounds like my kind of a party.

Cool. Well, I'll text you the address.

Cool.

Oh, uh, by the way, it's-it's a beach house, so... bring your swimsuit.

Beach house?

See you later.

Yup.

[sighs]

Alan: Wait, isn't Dr. Klorpins in Zephyria?

Yeah, well, that's what he wants the FBI to think, too... [chuckles] and the CIA... and Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

Klorpins: Zorn. You're looking well.

Someone must be taking his fish person oil.

Keeps the muscles tight and the mind focused on eggs.

That is actually why I'm here.

Well, there's a fish guy in room two.

Go on. Take a suck on his oil hole.

Zorn: All right.

And this time maybe I'll let the fish guy return the favor.

Uh, hey, Dr. Klorpins, what-what is, uh, Zephyritol?

Oh, it's just a drug that changes Zephyrian bodies so that they look like regular bodies.

And that really works?

Like on any body part? I don't know, just like a random example, what about legs?

Well, does Blake Lively look like she has tentacles under her skirt?

Then I guess it works.

Hey, uh, do you think I could have some?

Sure, I got some free samples here somewhere.

Let's see, scalpel... oh, pus kit... ow!

There's got to be a better place to store old, dirty needles.

Here you go, squirt.

Ooh, all right, well, just give me my flu sh*t and a lollipop, and let's get the hell out of here.

[thump]

Craig. Did you hear that?

Does this look like the face of someone who didn't hear that?

You want to go check it out?

Does this feel like the heartbeat of someone who wants to go check something out?

[thump]

Oh.

[whispering]: Okay, we've got to do something.

Okay, um, let's just stay in bed, and if the m*rder*r comes in here, then I'll-I'll, like, distract him with a cloud of feathers, and you make a run for it. [grunts]

What are you doing?

Nothing. I just texted Zorn.

Okay, well, fine.

We'll just call Zorn, let him swoop in, and I'll just sit here and be useless.

[bang]

Ooh.

Well, looks like it was a branch hitting your window.

Don't worry, though. I hacked it off, uprooted the tree, and salted the earth so nothing can ever grow there again.

Oh, I can break a stick, Edie.

If I had known that was the problem, I would've taken care of it myself.

Oh, I know you would've, sweetie.

[grunts] Hey, just so you know, Craig, she's lying.

Craig: Yeah, well, just so you know, Zorn, you could be mean.

[sighs]

I hate to sound like such a dreamer, but there's got to be a better way to shred documents.

Actually, the machine you use to make your smoothies is technically a paper...

Todd! No one likes a know-it-all.

[grunting]

Linda: Zorn. Hey, hey, didn't you get my memo?

Hey, Blake Erickson, the CEO of Sanitation Solutions, is coming in from Houston to visit our branch.

So I need everyone, especially you, to be on their best behavior.

That means no blasting Blues Traveler "'cause it's 'Run-Around' time somewhere."

Geez, relax, man. You're the most badass boss I know.

Why are you so worried about this guy?

'Cause I think Erickson hates me. Last time he was here, I said I'd rather be dead in a ditch than alive watching a tennis match. Turns out he's a huge tennis fan and his wife was found dead in a ditch.

Personally, I'd rather be dead in a ditch than at a tennis match.

I agree, but please don't say that in front of our CEO when he gets here.

[cell phone ringing]

Okay, well, shut up a second. Zorn on the horn.

Well, well, well. No, I'd-I'd love to help you out, but I'm super busy here at work, okay? Whoops.

Linda: No, he's not! Whoever this is, he'll be right there!

Hey, sorry it took me so long. Traffic on the freeway was terribly hard to walk through on foot. [sighs]

Zorn, I want you to train me to be more like you.

Really? You need me to train you to hate... you?

No, I want you to train me to be a warrior.

If I'm gonna marry Edie, I need to be able to protect her.

Being sweet, lovable Craig isn't enough.

I need to be tough, lovable Craig.

She already has that man: Alangulon. The fruit of my loins!

Zorn, I want you to picture Alan trying to stand up to a meth-crazed mugger.

All right, cool. I'll dust off the old imagination here, let me see what I got.

Oh, my God! That junkie tore him to bits in seconds.

I mean, that was like running a tomato through a band saw.

Why-Why did you make me picture that?

So you see my point, Zorn.

Fine.

I, Zorn, will make it my mission to train thee, Craig, in the ways of the warrior!

Waitress: Here you go, kale salad, no Parmesan, extra lemon juice.

Ooh.

B.S.! He'll have a live pig, and don't you dare help him k*ll it when it arrives.

[exhales]

Oh!

[laughing]: Wow.

[laughs]

Wait a second.

Only one...

So, this is the place.

Whoa.

Uh, my aunt can't get pregnant and, uh, she doesn't trust animals, so she says her plants are her children.

Wow. [chuckles]

Oh, you got aloe!

Yeah, we got aloe, we got drinks, we got everything.

Aloe is the best. Aloe vera.

You know, a lot of people say that aloe should not be applied to exquisite and elegant legs such as these.

Really?

You mind if I, uh, cr*ck one of these off?

Hop to it.

Only the best for the best legs.

How often do you apply?

Every day at breakfast I apply aloe to my real, human legs.

You really do have amazing, amazing legs.

Oh, you know what? Speaking of... these legs aren't gonna tone themselves.

Mind if I hop on this?

Not at all.

Wow, you know your plants and you can climb stairs.

Oh, my God!

Oh, yup, I'm good.

Just a little too much aloe on there.

Craig: Zorn, is this really necessary?

All right, the first step in being a warrior is looking like a warrior.

Hey, you look, like, so fierce, man.

Look at that. I mean, you are no longer Craig the Therapist. You're more like Craig the Psycho-Therapist.

But did you have to rip the sleeves off?

I just bought this shirt last week.

Warriors don't have sleeves. We need our arms free, you know, for windmill punches and raising our fists victoriously, like this.

[laughs] Yeah! Ha-ha.

By the power of Fullerton University Online, Continuing Adult Education Division, [music] Department of Psychology and Music.

You shall not pass!

[music continues]

[grunts]

Zorn. [laughs]

Yes.

[slap]

[thud]

Layla: You know, I totally thought you didn't know how to swim, but you're actually pretty good.

Well, I take a bath every Sunday, so what is that but a tiny ocean? [laughs]

Yeah, you should come back Saturday.

I'm gonna be here all day, so...

Oh, uh, that sounds good.

It's cold.

Oh, you want to, uh, wear this towel?

Thank you.

Uh... hold on a second. Let me take that.

Uh...

What?

I just, uh, I just caught a... caught a spider, yeah, between my leg and the towel. I got to go take care of that.

[music]

[thud]

Edie: Oh, Alan, how was the beach house?

A super magical day.

I don't want to talk about it, though. Thanks.

Well, if you decide you do want to talk about it, I'm here. [door closes]

Come on, honey. Let's rap.

Kid's still say that, right?

Alan: No, we don't, no.

Well, do you want half of my sandwich?

Alan: No, ok... fine, sure, don't come in.

Just shove it under the door, okay? Bye.

Blake Erickson: These numbers are terrible, Linda.

I know. We've been having some... employee productivity issues.

Todd! Where have you been?

I need that report on my desk by the end of the day.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just playing some tennis.

It helps me concentrate.

I'm gonna tackle the report right now.

Tennis, you say?

[phone rings]

Oh. Important client.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Edie, What's up?

Hey, have you seen Zorn?

No.

Why? Everything okay?

Well, I'm worried about Alan.

He had a 40-minute shower cry.

I don't know much about parenting.

I'm gonna guess gay. Okay, got to go.

What do you think we can do about our productivity problem?

Well, I do have some ideas, actually...

Todd calls his mom on company time.

Craig: Okay, warrior, let's build up that confidence.

I'm gonna do a power poem.

Craig: Capable.

Resourceful. Acrobatic.

Incorrigible.

Giggly? [chuckles] Sometimes, yeah.

[giggles]

Craig!

Oh. Zorn. Do not barge into my bathroom.

Or my bedroom. Or my dreams.

All right, Craig, you can become a warrior, or you can become someone whose privacy I respect, but you can't become both.

Zorn, do not slap me again. Enough is enough.

[gasps]

You stood up to me. You are now a warrior.

What about learning how to fight?

Nah, you're never gonna be good at that, no.

Here's a little tip, though, just sucker punch people.

Now get dressed and drive me to work.

Hell no, Zorn.

That's the spirit.

But there is a time and a place, and I really need a ride.

Edie: Has Alan seemed weird to you? I feel like the clueless mom in an afterschool special.

What, like he's on dr*gs?

Edie, come on. Let's be honest with ourselves.

Alangulon's not cool enough for anyone to offer him dr*gs.

Edie: No, I saw a thing on 60 Minutes that said even lame kids can get dr*gs now.

Edie, I got to go.

Zorn: Linda.

Have you moved your desk to work among your lessers?

You truly you are a man of the people!

Zorn, I got demoted.

Save your sucking up for your new boss, Todd.

What? But you're the best boss ever.

How could this happen?

Seriously, I don't understand corporate employment structure, so I'm genuinely confused here.

I was already on thin ice with Erickson, and then Todd swooped in and said all the right things and used all the right... tennis metaphors.

Well, I mean, you know, look at the bright side.

Now you can sit out here in cubicles with all of us and make Linda jokes. Screw Linda, right, sir?

You don't need to call me "sir."

I'm not your superior anymore.

Not my superior? Huh.

Yeah. W-Wait a second... not my superior... dresses...

[clock ticking]

.. earrings... seeing a gynecologist for your penis... I...

Oh, my God.

You're a woman!

[clocks chiming]

Please, okay? I just...

I need more Zephyritol. I'm desperate.

Well... there is an old saying in the medical community: the first taste is free.

After that, bitch better have my money.

$500 to be exact.

What?

No. Come on. I need those pills.

I didn't just change my legs, it changed my entire life.

I finally felt like the Alan that I've always wanted to be.

You know? Okay, the Alan that can just walk up to anybody and say, "Inspect me. You'll find nothing weird."

Just have a heart.

I'm West Zephyrian.

I actually don't have a heart. There is a ghost in my chest that scares the blood around my body.

So give me the money, or get ready for some serious withdrawal symptoms.

Withdrawal?

[music]

[water splashing]

[screams]

This site says I should confront Alan and demand he tell me what's going on.

And if he refuses... I should... send him to Bible reeducation camp.

What do you think, Craig?

Craig!

I'm sorry. It's just the sandman has just been on my case today.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have gotten up to investigate every little sound last night.

Well, maybe we shouldn't have an air conditioner that sounds like a man strangling Alan.

Alan.

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, me? I'm just looking for a mint.

Why are you wearing a pig nose?

I'm doing the pigs... uh, factories.

Protesting the pig factories. They are very bad, you know.

Pigs are actually smarter than dogs, so... poof.

Yeah, I think I saw that on someone's Facebook wall.

Can I have $500 in cash to do an art project?

It's a really special thing I'm working on where I take five $100 bills and I arrange them on a piece of construction paper.

It's a comment on commercialism and stuff.

Craig: Sounds like it's a good idea.

$500 on art?

[sighs] Fine. I guess I'll just go get it from that guy down at the ravine.

A couple weeks learning about Jesus can't be that bad.

Milady.

Milady.

Zorn, just because I'm a woman doesn't mean you have to stand up every time I stand up.

Of course, milady.

And please stop talking to me like some sad-ass lute player at Ren Fair.

Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. It's just, you know, a lot to wrap my head around.

I mean, you were a woman this whole time?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. So that time we came to work dressed as Lady Zorn and She-Linda...

You just showed up in a dress. We never discussed that beforehand.

It's just, I... I feel like I lost my best friend at work, I mean, you were my bro. You know? And now?

No mo' bro... you know? I'm still the same person I always was, only now...

You can't vote.

Nothing's changed. We're still friends, or at least I hope we can still be friends.

Who else is gonna help me overthrow Todd?

Yeah, but I bet you overthrow like a girl.

[grunts]

[clattering]

[laughs]

Alan: 500 bucks. [music] Come on, something around here's got to be worth 500 bucks.

Oh. Laptop.

Fullerton Online University! [grunts]

So you think you can break into Craig's fiancé's house where Craig lives rent-free... [grunts] and take from Craig's fiancé? [groans]

Well, you got another thing coming.

Stop!

It's me.

Craig, what are you doing?!

I'm being the guy that you can count on for everything, Edie.

Oh, my spleen.

Alan.

[gasps] Whoa!

Craig: Oh, my God.

I literally kicked your ass back to Zephyria.

[groans]

Edie: Well, it looks like the Zephyritol is starting to wear off.

I mean, who would have thought that taking strange dr*gs from a cave doctor would have consequences?

Well, we're gonna talk about all this when your father gets here.

I called him. He's very worried.

Can I talk to you?

Sure.

You kicked my son's ass, Craig.

Edie, I thought he was a burglar.

Look, I was just trying to protect us, so you don't always have to call Zorn at the first sign of trouble.

I call Zorn because he's a big dumb barbarian and he's good at dumb barbarian stuff, like m*rder, maiden rescue, car repair.

I fell in love with you because you are all the things that Zorn isn't.

But if I can't do the things that I do and the things that Zorn does, then I'll never be everything that you need.

You don't need to be everything.

You're sweet and sensitive.

Zorn's just...

Zorn: Zorn!

[lightning cracks]

Alangulon. I have come to vanquish your drug-related issues!

[thunder rumbles]

Come on, junkie. Spill it. Tell me what you're hiding.

Alan: Dad, I'm not a junkie.

Ah. That is exactly what a junkie would say.

I was only taking Zephyritol to make my legs look normal.

I was just worried that Layla wouldn't like me because I'm, like, well, I'm different.

Edie: Well, why do you care if Layla loves you?

She's not the woman who birthed you.

Edie, please. Alangulon.

I know exactly what you're going through.

Take a seat, son.

I recently found out something insane about someone in my life.

Turns out this guy I was hanging with was a woman.

A woman, Alangulon. Just imagine my surprise.

And sure, at first it was an adjustment, but then I realized something.

Once you really care about someone, that's it.

That feeling on the inside doesn't change just because things might look different on the outside.

Wow, Dad. That was actually really helpful.

Yeah, I've never heard you say anything that deep.

I didn't know you had it in you.

No, no. I know. Yeah, it blew my mind, too.

But it turns out that I'm kick-ass at being sensitive.

Especially when it comes to my family.

Oh.

[music]

Ah, look at us. Sitting here just like a real family.

Holding hands and silently farting.

Hi, Alan.

Hey.

Or did a spider k*ll you? Are you Alan's ghost?

I actually came here to apologize for how I've been acting kind of crazy lately.

Did you go on Adderall or something?

That's what made Shannon so angry and impulsive and good at AP Spanish.

I need to show you something, okay?

Alan. What-what are you doing?!

These are my legs.

Whoa.

[sighs] I knew you'd be freaked out.

Well, kind of, only because... you had different legs, like, three days ago.

Well, those weren't my real legs.

I was taking these weird Zephyrian dr*gs to change them and... okay, look, if you never want to see me or my freakish legs ever again, I understand.

That's fine.

Alan, the only thing that's weirding me out is that you're standing here with your pants around your ankles.

[music]

I just feel like I need to say sorry for not being honest with you.

I like it when you're yourself.

It's funny.

Oh.

You know I have a-a Twitter where I post funny things you say and do.

It has like 450 followers.

Wow. Um, is that like a... is that a lot?

Is that a little? I don't really know.

It's respectable.

Oh.

♪ All I needed was the love you gave... ♪

Hey, Craig, I found those special baby wipes you like to use instead of toilet paper.

Ooh, you made muffins. It smells incredible.

Oh.

Craig: My beloved Edie.

By the time you're reading this, the only thing left of me will be these good-bye muffins. They're apple-carrot.

I know you won't admit this, but it's become clear to me that you and Zorn are the ones who should be together.

Whatever reason you left him, he's now changed into the husband you deserve and the protector this family needs.

It breaks my heart to leave, but please don't look for me.

I know how to disappear.

P.S. Make sure to individually wrap these muffins in paper towels before freezing them.

It preserves the moistness.

[knocking on door]

Edie: Zorn? Are you in here...

Oh. Hey, Edie. Hey, I just found out Linda's a woman... twice.

Hey-o. Well, I mean, technically, one and a half times.

You just bursting into my apartment like that kind of ruined the sexy vibe.