02x04 - Existential Crisis

[bunniefuu]

[quirky music]

You've got to admit things are going pretty well since I took over.

Certainly a lot smoother lately.

And based on my surveillance, our four humans don't suspect anything.

Yeah, because we're k*lling it.

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

[snapping fingers]

You sure are.

Here are the t*rture ideas you asked me to write up for next week.

[groaning]

So long.

You're not supposed to be torturing me.

From now on, make all your memos one page max with pictures.

Also, Quinston over here already came up with a sick idea for how to t*rture Tahani.

Tell him, babe.

We're going to have Tahani throw a party for Gunnar's birthday, but no one will show up because we'll also be throwing a party, and it will be way better.

Boom.

[laughing]

Where do you get these incredible ideas?

Oh, that one just came to me.

It just like popped right into my noodle.

[laughs]

Yeah, that's right.

Up top!

So that's their plan.

This doesn't seem so bad.

It really tucks my nuggets.

I worked so hard on my t*rture ideas, and theirs are so basic.

These millennials, they have no work ethic.

Oh, sorry, a millennial is someone who has only been torturing people for a thousand years.

[soft voice]

A millennial.

Okay.

Coast is clear.

Not a demon in sight.

Except for, you know...

Is that what we should call you?

"Demon"?

Well, I mean, it's not really accurate, and we consider it to be a little r*cist.

But it's fine.

Well, um, let's start our first lesson.

Tahani and Jason will have to make it up since they're both off being fake-tortured.

All right.

Well, I've read everything on your syllabus, and how do I put this delicately?

It's all, ah, stupid garbage.

Look, we have to start somewhere.

So how about Socrates?

All right, all right.

Let me just get into the mind-set of a human.

"Oh, I'm a human, "and my breathing tube is next to my eating tube.

"Oh, and look, my arms end in stupid little sticks." Okay.

Proceed.

Good.

This is so depressing.

I'm being forced to throw a party that I know will fail.

That's why they're doing this.

It's what you're best at.

Just like I'm the best at getting empty water bottles to stay on the roof of a Pizza Hut.

You know what?

I am the best at planning parties.

Vicky may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld, but does she have taste?

Sophistication?

An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde Belgian floral design?

Yes!

She does.

No.

She doesn't.

What if I throw a party that is so amazing that it's actually better than the party that's supposed to win?

When they realize they could have to my party, they'll be sad.

I won't be sad.

They'll be sad.

- Janet!

- Hi there.

Janet, when I turned , I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum, and I swore to uphold the Hostess Code: "I, Tahani Al-Jamil, "shall do my level best "to make every event...

too much." Model tonight's décor after my fundraiser for the Red Cross in Zurich.

No.

.

[laughs]

[sighs]

Man.

Michael is not into your class.

Right now, I'm the best student.

I'm going to be the...

velociraptor.

You trying to say "valedictorian?" No.

Look, dude, this isn't your fault.

You've been teaching him ethics for half an hour, and he's been evil since...

the beginning of time.

Oh!

Maybe the reason Michael can't latch onto the ideas is because he's immortal.

Look, look.

If you live forever, then ethics don't matter to you because, basically, there's no consequences for your actions.

You tell a lie, who cares?

Wait a few trillion years, the guilt will fade.

Before I can teach Michael to be good, I have to force him to think about what we used to think about: that life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning.

That's what you used to think about?

I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.

You mean a skirt?

No.

You're not getting it.

And my thing is different, so shut up.

- Michael?

- Yeah.

Is there any way that you can die?

Yeah, actually there is.

It's called retirement.

It's rare, but when one of us really screws something up...

[clicks teeth]

And what happens exactly?

Well, it's fairly straightforward.

My essence would be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle, and every molecule of my body would be placed on the surface of a different sun.

Sure.

So is that what would happen if your boss found out that you defected to our side?

Yeah.

Okay, so that might actually happen, and if it did there would be no more...

Michael.

Think about that for a second.

Imagine being retired.

Everyone else is here.

But you?

Poof.

Gone.

Nothingness.

Inky black void.

Done.

Okay.

I'll think about that.

[daunting music]

♪ ♪

Huh.

So...

you're saying that I would be...

No...

Me?

[wailing]

Okay!

Now we're getting somewhere.

Dude, you broke Michael.

No, no.

This is good.

He's having an existential crisis.

It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe.

Look, the good news is, if he can work through this, it's the first step towards understanding human ethics.

And what if he can't?

Then, he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever, and we're all doomed.

Okay, I will be right back.

Gotta go grab some Camus.

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

Can I get you a snack?

Do you eat?

I can never remember.

What do you eat?

Babies?

Do you want me to get you a big fat baby?

What flavor baby?

[gasps]

How about a Cool Ranch baby?

Searching for meaning is philosophical su1c1de.

How does anyone do anything...

when you understand the fleeting nature of existence?

It's pretty easy, man.

I mean, you learn about death when you're a kid, and it's just not that big of a deal.

[cartoon playing on TV]

Eleanor, baby, I have some sad news.

Your doggie, Max, has passed away.

Do you know what that means?

Well, sometimes when a dog is very old, like, five or six or something, he crosses a long rainbow bridge, and at the end of that bridge is a beautiful farm with lots of grass and trees and, I don't know, wagons and a rainbow.

I already said "rainbow." The point is: that's where Max is.

Can we visit him at the farm?

Nope, because it's very far away...

in...

Guam.

- It's in Guam.

- Can we at least...

Okay, look.

I'm lying, okay?

You caught me.

Congratulations.

The farm is made up.

The bridge is made up.

There's no such place as Guam.

Your dog, Max, is dead in a duffel bag under the deck.

How did he die?

The short answer is: I don't know.

And the slightly longer answer is: I didn't know how hot it gets in cars sometimes.

The point is: don't be sad.

Honestly, I'll get kind of annoyed if you do get sad because it's been a very long day and that bitch Carol from work was really on my ass about some stupid thing that I don't even know what it was.

And at the end of that long day, I had to use one of my favorite duffle bags to do something very gross that I did not like.

Now, let's celebrate that dead dog's life by bringing Mommy another bottle of white.

I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good.

So I simply did myself.

[sighs]

Everything is perfect.

Red alert, red alert.

We need help.

What's wrong with Michael?

Uh-oh.

I know that look.

He just snorted a bunch of printer toner.

Mike, listen to me, you have nothing to worry about.

You still have around % of your brain left.

No, no, this is more like a philosophy overdose.

Basically, Michael just smoked a big bowl of ennui, and now he's having an existential crisis.

So, we need to cheer him up.

Look at how pretty the restaurant is.

Didn't Tahani do a good job?

Parties are mere distractions from the relentlessness of entropy.

We're all just corpses who haven't yet begun to decay.

Yeah, but...

balloons!

Okay, we all head over to Vicky's party together.

We babysit Michael in shifts so that no one sees he's a catatonic blob.

Or you could just sit tight.

The entire party are going to be heading over here soon.

[laughs]

Unless I am sorely mistaken.

- [lively music]

- [people cheering]



♪ ♪

♪ I'm taking you, baby ♪ ♪ All the way to lovey town ♪ I was sorely mistaken.

Okay, bud, whatever is going on right now, just shove your feelings way down deep, plaster on a fake smile, and pretend you're having fun.

Okay?

Just like I used to do when someone started talking about their kids.

Hey, welcome, guys.

Wow, this is...

elaborate.

Gunnar was an animal rights activist.

So the theme of the party is "animals.

" Flying station's over there if you want to fly like a falcon.

[exclaims]

And over there we filled a ball pit with puppies.

[people laughing, dogs whining]

That's fun.

Oh, and have you ever wanted to sit in a kangaroo pouch?

My whole dang life.

So we can all hang out here for a bit and then we can head over to your party...

sound good?

Yo, this place is lit.

I'm going to go jump in that kangie's pouch.

Hey...

All right, Tahani, you just need to walk around the party looking miserable.

Great, just like that.

Perfect.

And then Chidi and I will keep an eye on Michael.

- Where's Michael?

- [groans]

[engine revving]

Uh...

I think I found him.

There they are!

Que pasa, muchachos?

Hey there, bud.

You okay?

Okay?

I'm a new man.

Oh, Eleanor, thank you so much for the advice about shoving my feelings down deep.

I feel so much better.

It's like I'm surfing on this wave of positivity.

Is that Janet?

Oh, yeah.

Have you met my secretary, Jeanette?

She's a lot like Janet, but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers.

Hi, Jeanette.

Oh, no, it's still me...

Janet.

Michael just asked that I change my appearance, and also say things like, "You're so funny," and "So how many quarterbacks are in a home run?" [giggles]

Man, repressing your feelings is great.

I was feeling stressed all the time, and now it's just so easy.

Babe, we need to get some food into you.

Get you something to eat.

I don't eat anything.

She's perfect.

Hey!

Turn that around.

♪ Throw them dice, baby ♪ It did kind of hurt actually, but I love it.

So he's moved on from existential crisis to just straight-up mid-life crisis.

That's good, right?

I knew a ton of guys like that back in Arizona.

I mean, they hit on you when they're drunk, and their breath smells like supplements, but overall they're pretty harmless.

It's Chinese for "Japan." Oh, so cool.

No, no.

This is worse.

I mean, an existential crisis is an acknowledgement that life is absurd.

And that absurdity needs to be confronted, but this is just denial.

And at any moment that denial could collapse, and he'll be a mess.

He is a Jenga tower of sadness.

For an immortal being, he's pretty fragile.

I mean the guy contemplates his own death for one forking minute and completely loses his grip on reality?



[somber music]





♪ ♪

[whispering]

You didn't have to come.

I said I'm fine.

Yeah, well, I know you guys weren't super close, but still.

It's hard...

losing a parent.

Eleanor!

Mommy's here, baby!

Oh, and who is this tall drink of wine?

This is my boyfriend, Sam.

Sam, this is my mother...

Sister!

Sister...

[groans]

It's not going to work.

It's my ex-husband's funeral.

Thanks for blowing my cover, Doug!

Listen, baby.

Don't be sad, okay?

Your father wasn't great.

Let's call him what he was: a fart in the shape of a man.

Can you just chill?

I don't want to turn Dad's funeral into a roast.

I'm not.

I'm just saying he sucked.

I mean, the only photo they could get of him was a mug sh*t.

He was a doof.

So don't be sad that he's gone.

I'm not sad.

I'm fine.

Good!

You know, I had a long running bet with Eleanor's father that I would outlive him.

You want to guess who won that one?

Come on, guess.

Well, we're at his funeral.

It's pretty clear...

I did!

I won!

He's dead!

Up top!

Whoa.

[chuckles]

Is there a bar?

I'm just going to...

[sighing]

Did my mom slip you her hotel room key?

Yes.

Yes, she did.

[glass clinking]

Thanks so much for coming to Gunnar's birthday party.

Now, there was a little bit of a mix up, and Tahani also planned a birthday party over at the restaurant.

So...

why don't we all head over there?

No need.

This party is far superior.

I'm sure yours is amazing.

Well, I did fine on the décor, but I don't have, you know, actual unicorns you can ride.

[unicorn huffs]

So you all just stay here and have fun.

Okay, well, if that's what you want.

Let's all get back to the party, then.

Hang on, there, mis amigos!

- Whoo!

I want to make a toast.

- No, no, no, Michael, oh, boy.

Okay, I know what you're thinking.

Birth is a curse, and existence is a prison.

But don't think about that.

Don't be sad, you guys.

Focus on something great like Drakkar Noir...

whoo...

which I am wearing a lot of tonight.

Or the Sharper Image Catalog.

What can't those guys ionize?

By the way, I am feeling amazing.

I'm going to do some push-ups.

Then we'll go around the room and name our favorite cheese.

Okay, that's good with the speeches.

That's good, yeah.

Let's all get back to the party.

What was that?

You didn't run any of that by me.

Oh, I know, I know.

I'm sorry, babe.

Listen, when you guys first took over, I was upset, but it's all good now.

I mean, anger is toxic.

I'm not about that negativity.

Mi t*rture es su t*rture.

I am so happy you're in charge.

Okay, well, good.

Namaste, chica.

[laughs]

Do you want to dance?

- No.

- Okay.

I'm leaving.

I'm too miserable to stay here for one more second.

Why?

There are baby monkeys and dolphins to ride and the game of "Hungry, Hungry Hippos" with actual hippos.

This party is way better than ours.

Why are you miserable?

Ohh.

You stay and have fun.

I'm going to go and throw myself a pity party...

though I doubt I can even throw one of those properly.

[whimpers]

[indistinct chatter]

[glasses clink]

God, I love this stuff!

[slurps]

Oh!

Let's keep this party going!

What now, huh?

Want to hit the clubs?

Oh, oh, oh...

Vegas!

No, no, no, even better...

Dubai.

[gasps]

Jeanette, make us a Dubai.

[giggles]

I kind of feel like maybe we should wind down, have a...

No, no, can't do that.

Can't stop moving.

Can't stop moving.

If I stop moving, I'll start thinking and if I start thinking, I'll start thinking about things I don't want to think about, like death.

Oops.

I'm thinking about it now.

Yep, thinking about death again.

Oh, I know.

Jeanette and I have been taking samba lessons, huh?

- Let us show you how to do it.

- Okay.

I think Vicky bought his excuse, but we need to snap him out of this.

Which one of these confusing French books will make him normal again?

It's not that easy.

I mean, emotionally, he's all over the map right now, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think this can be solved with a book.

What's the big whoop?

I dealt with death, and I was fine.

Were you?

I mean, you never had one moment where you were freaked out by the permanence of death?

Never one moment like that?

Hey, man, you got toothbrush holders?

Sure, yeah, right over here.

What's this?

Who has four toothbrushes?

Like, Bill Gates or something?

No, that's like, for a family.

Family?

Like, a whole family and their toothbrushes all together?

Two slots for the parent toothbrushes and two slots for their kids?

Yep.

So the parent toothbrushes can be close to the kid toothbrushes and...

watch over them and...

[sniffs]

They can all talk about their...

toothbrush feelings.

And they can hold their little toothbrush hands when they're sad?

Make sure no harm ever comes to their little bristles?

- Sure.

- [crying]

Oh, um, do you need Kleenex?

Thank you.

[sniffles]

Sorry.

I'm so embarrassed.

A family pack?

[dramatic sobbing]

[clears throat]



[solemn music]



I don't know if what I'm going to say is going to hurt or help, but screw it.

Do you know what's really happening right now?

You're learning what it's like to be human.

All humans are aware of death.

So we're all a little bit sad...

all the time.

That's just the deal.

Sounds like a crappy deal.

Well, yeah.

It is.

But we don't get offered any other ones.

And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway.

I've been there.

And everybody's been there.

So don't fight it.

In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew...

"Go ahead and cry all you want.

But you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger." ♪ ♪

I got you something to eat.

I'm not hungry.

[sniffs]

I just want to sit and stare at nothing and silently scream for the rest of time.

I might be way off-base here, but you seem kind of bummed.

I really thought I could throw a better party than a magical, all-powerful being.

And moreover, what's this say about me, about the life I lived?

The way they're torturing me is through event planning mishaps, and it works.

Am I really that shallow?

Listen, back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a -person dance group.

Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained.

I would give you an eight in every category.

Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.

No, no.

Eight is the best.

It was a scale of - , but eight was highest.

The scale went up and then back down like a tent.

Why?

It's not important.

Lately, you've been really down on yourself.

But you're the most amazing person I've ever met...

besides Michael, and he was constantly torturing us so I'd only rank him a ten.

Which is worse than an eight?

That's so unnecessarily confusing.

The point is: you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained.

I've never seen you dance, but I bet you're good.

'Cause you're good at everything.

You're awesome.

Be nicer to yourself.

Thank you, Jason.

[light music]

From one eight to another.

"Excellent progress this week.

"Tahani devastated by party mishap.

"Eleanor continues to be a selfish monster creating burden for Chidi."" I brought you back from the brink of an existential coma, dude.

No, no.

I have to embellish your misery on these fake t*rture reports so that my boss doesn't get suspicious.

But really...

[sighs]

I am grateful you pulled me out of my funk.

Well, now that you've become acquainted with existential crises, I thought we could read "Death" by philosopher Todd May.

Sounds like the perfect beach read.

Should we wait for Tahani and Jason?

Where are those goofballs?

So, um...

we should probably discuss...

That was awesome!

It was.

[sighs]

Surprisingly so.

But we should still discuss...

Want some breakfast?

I know how to make cereal.

- Sure, but, Jason, we should...

- Okay, be right back.

[playful music]