04x07 - Help Is Other People

As you reach the end of your first year in the afterlife, what do you remember most?

The everlasting friendships you made?

The adversity you overcame together?

The day everything was chocolate?

That day was awesome.

I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

It was all chocolate.

Shh, shh, shh.

You only have a few hours left in your first year, so why not do as many amazing good deeds for other people as you possibly can by midnight just in case?

I know.

I know.

All right, I'll take it out.

I'm a little tired, okay?

- Lay off.

- That movie, minus the part where Eleanor gives away the entire experiment, will play before the party tonight.

Speaking of which, the theme is "One Year Down, Infinity to Go.

" Dress is London black tie.

That means Knightsbridge black tie, not Kensington or, heaven forbid, West Brompton.

[LAUGHS]

Can you imagine?

[LAUGHING]

No.

Also, just after midnight, in order to reset my processing power, I will be violently eating my Janet babies.

I'd advise no one look directly at me.

Copy that.

So tonight at the party, we're gonna go for one more point grab.

I'm gonna suggest that they make toasts about each other, celebrate their ups and downs, demonstrate personal growth, blah, blah, blah, humanity is saved.

[LAUGHTER]

One more day, guys.

Let's finish strong.

And to that end, as you might know, I've been practicing human magic.

Oh.

Ta-da.

- Dope.

- [LAUGHS]

So I was thinking No, the Magnificent Dr.

Presto is not performing tonight.

- Come on, I - Dude, magic is always lame.

But it's especially lame here, where there's actual magic.

As a counterargument, check your pocket.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

The other one.

Oh, shoot, sorry.

It's my pocket.

Ta-da.

Dope.

You know what?

You can perform.

- Really?

- Yeah.

You changed my mind with that pocket thing.

Oh, boffo.

- Oh, you're being mean.

- Yep.

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

I am very excited for tonight.

And dare I say, you all look so splendid, you could work the coat check at the Met Gala.

Ooh, speaking of the Met Gala, remember that security cam footage of Solange and Jay-Z fighting in the elevator?

I learned to read lips.

Turns out, she was yelling, "No fair, I wanted to be the one to push the button.

" [LAUGHS]

So, uh, yeah, it wasn't as juicy as some people maybe thought it was.

- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN]

- Hey, gang.

Had a pretty good round today.

Better close this door.

I don't want all those birdies to follow me in here.

[LAUGHS]

Why?

Okay, Brent, hurry up and change so we can get to the party.

Oh, right, hang on.

Uh, Janet gave me this.

Tuxedo in a can.

- [CAN POPS]

- [GASPS]

Ooh, you know, I came this close to firing Janet, but she's gotten a lot better.

Okay, we're not leaving yet.

I need to show you all something.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

This is the result of months of observation.

Now, I know you're gonna think I'm crazy.

No, why would we think that?

But there is something wrong with this neighborhood.

And it involves the people in this room.

So crazy that we're at the end of this thing and we have no idea how we did.

Janet, any chance you could get a look inside that obelisk?

Check that magic scoreboard?

There is a chance, yes.

About 1 in 970 trillion.

Let's give her a whirl.

- [SOFT BEEPS]

- It did not work.

I'll be right back.

- [SOFT BEEP]

- Ugh!

I feel okay about most of it, but I just wish we had one concrete sign that Brent has improved.

One moment where he bumps into someone and sincerely says, "Oops, my bad.

" You know?

I would kill for an "oops, my bad.

" Who's a girl gotta fork to get an "oops, my bad"?

Hey, hey, hey, panicking about this experiment at crucial moments is kind of my move.

- Don't fall apart on me, now.

- I won't.

It's just you know me.

On Earth, I never played a game unless I knew I could either win or bribe the ref so he'd throw it for me.

And if we lose, I'm gonna be so mad.

- Ugh!

- Just one more day.

We're gonna stick to the plan, not do anything radical.

Though we could do something [WHISPERING]

Ah, magical.

You gotta let it go, man.

- [SOFT BEEP]

- She's right.

I've been suspicious about this place since day one.

Over the last few months, I've been collecting data, and now I am positive, something is truly forked up.

You didn't tell me about any of this, muffin.

Okay, you call her muffin?

I'm getting a lot of breaking news at once here.

I was gathering evidence.

I didn't wanna compromise the integrity of the data collection.

Oh, so romantic.

Here's what I know.

Eleanor and Michael are up to something, and it's focused on us.

I mean, there are, like, 300 people in the neighborhood, and somehow they just spend all of their time talking to the six people in this room.

Well, I mean, who else are they gonna talk to?

Dumb Shorts Cathy?

- [LAUGHS]

- What is your problem with her?

I mean, shorts?

"Cathy"?

What isn't my problem with her?

Jianyu, are you okay?

You look sweaty.

Oh, no.

He's fine.

He always sweats when he's meditating.

He calls it "sweat-itating.

" No, I mean, um, he doesn't talk, so I call it that.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm friends with Sting.

I can't take it anymore.

I know something, and it's just graduated from hot goss to relevant AF.

Yes, I'm gonna.

I'm gonna.

That's not Jianyu.

His name is Jason.

And he's here by mistake.

Chidi's been helping him hide and become a better person.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

I also knew about this, of course.

Might as well come clean, darling.

Hi, Simone.

Jason Mendoza, Jacksonville, Florida.

Go, Jags, obviously.

Um, what else about me?

I was born in a swimming pool.

Okay, you never told me about this, ducky.

Ducky?

I'm gonna have to sit down.

This is too much.

Well, I swore I wouldn't tell, and keeping your word is a central tenet of deontological ethics.

Aw, so romantic.

Okay, let's assume certain things are odd about this place.

What is your theory?

I don't know.

Maybe this isn't the Good Place.

Maybe it's a test.

My best guess, it's some kind of experiment.

We're being observed in a closed environment.

Simone, look at this logically.

We are in paradise.

There's fresh air, mountains, Janet.

And yes, some of us are under 5'10", but other than that, it is literally perfect here.

No, it is not.

Jason is proof.

And if you need more evidence that this isn't the Good Place, clearly he's not the only one who doesn't belong.

Actually, she's right, and I know it for a fact.

For the first time ever, I am desperate for you to keep talking.

Well, right at the beginning, I talked to Mike and Eleanor, and they were like, "Yeah, don't tell anyone this, "but there's a place better than this, "the Best Place, and that's where you're headed, amigo.

" I don't think they actually called you amigo.

I had to go through the year here, kind of a test, I guess, which, obviously, I aced.

So at midnight, I'm in the first Escalade out of here, baby.

- Brent.

- Yeah?

- Think about this.

- Okay.

How could you get into the Best Place?

You would literally have to be one of the most incredible people in the universe.

I mean, it makes sense to me.

I don't know what to tell you.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Okay, in the words of Princess Kate after we came back from our shopping trip in Ibiza, "There's a lot to unpack here.

" Perhaps we should just put our concerns aside and enjoy ourselves.

No way.

We have to figure out exactly what is going on here.

Okay, just go to the party, but keep your eyes open.

I've got a special mission for us.

- Oh, I - Oh, good.

Muffin and Ducky are on the case.

- - [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- How's it going?

- Awesome.

No, it isn't.

Oh, yeah.

Terrible.

Simone knows the neighborhood isn't what it appears to be.

She's been collecting evidence for months.

So all that hanging out with Brent and participating in group activities Was under false pretenses.

She was observing him.

She's been observing everything.

Guys, pick a card.

- Yes!

- No time.

The subjects are onto us.

They know something weird is going on, and it could derail the entire experiment.

- Oh, no!

- [COINS JINGLING]

Oh, sorry, uh, that was unintentional.

What?

There's nothing here.

Did you find anything?

Just some song lyrics that Michael wrote?

"Here's a trippy little ditty 'bout a train to Groovy City.

"Open up your freaky crystal mind and we'll have a cosmic good time.

" See, that makes me think we're in hell.

Look, we tried to prove your theory, but it feels like we came up empty.

Chidi, there is so much evidence they've been lying.

How can you not see that?

Eleanor told me that this was her first neighborhood.

Maybe some of these are just honest mistakes.

And also she told me some other stuff that I really want to be true.

What kind of stuff?

Well, it was something about us.

Why does everything I do fall apart so close to the end?

My first experiment, now this experiment.

I only got halfway through writing "The Purple Train to Groovy City.

" I just ran out of creative juice.

Focus.

We cannot let this slip away from us at the last second.

New plan: forget the toasts.

We do nothing.

We hope that our early successes make up for the embarrassing mess we've become.

Like Facebook or America.

Okay, sound good?

Michael?

We have no way to know what this really means for the experiment.

I don't think we can play it safe.

I have a plan.

It's risky.

But it might be the only way to get them to where they need to be.

Do you trust me?

Yeah.

Fork it.

Whatever it is, I'm in.

I'm always down for forking it.

- We trust you Michael.

- Then trust the Magnificent Dr.

Presto.

Man, you cannot pull that hat out after you ask us if we trust you.

Soul mates?

That's what Eleanor said, that we're soul mates?

Yep.

Pretty neat, huh?

I think it's pretty neat.

Do you think it's pretty neat, intensely, forever?

Chidi, I really like you.

But I don't think we're soul mates.

Because I don't think soul mates actually exist.

Right.

Right, right.

- Right?

- Think rationally.

Isn't it weird that she only told one of us that we're soul mates?

Is it odd?

Yes.

Does it mean that Eleanor's motives are questionable?

Also yes.

But does it suggest that she wasn't being truthful?

Yes.

Okay, I'm starting to see your point.

Whoa.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

What does that mean?

Why is it only four of us?

Why not Tahani and Jason?

Why are there emojis?

I mean, one of them's party hat guy.

I mean, that's good, right?

He's friendly.

It's better than thermometer guy or angry cat or smiling poop coil.

Okay, we have to get back to the party before Eleanor and Michael notice we're missing.

Great plan.

Let's kiss.

Sorry, still thinking about the soul mate thing.

- Let's go.

- Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen I can't believe I'm saying this the Magnificent Dr.

Presto.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

Now, I know some of you may not believe in magic.

Well, I think they believe in some magic.

Yesterday everybody ate a lollipop that let them talk to birds.

- [APPLAUSE]

- Okay, but this is Earth magic.

And it's harder.

And if you don't understand that, I am here to change your mind.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, come on.

It started out as a dollar bill and now it's four quarters.

"Change your mind"?

- Michael, it's three quarters.

- What?

Oh, three quarters.

Three quarters, even harder!

- Thank you!

- [TEPID APPLAUSE]

Can you make them clap harder?

They see what they see, man.

Did you guys find anything?

Yes, proof that the four of us and only the four of us are being forked with.

But we still don't have any hard proof that this place is evil or that Michael and Eleanor are nefarious, so, you know, no one's heart needs to break just yet.

Yeah, I'm with him.

This place is fine.

Hey, if you guys don't make the cut up to the Best Place, I'll try to put in a good word for you.

- You guys got business cards?

- Brent, I need a volunteer.

Come on up.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Okay, Brent, I want you to take off your wristwatch and place it in my hat.

Now, this is a Rolex.

It's the exact same watch Richie Sambora wears.

- Ah.

- So be careful.

And now the Magnificent Dr.

Presto will transform y - Oh.

Oh.

- [GROUND RUMBLING]

[PEOPLE GASPING AND YELLING]

- Oh, my gosh!

- Whoa!

Oh!

- No, oh, Brent!

- [SCREAMS]

[PEOPLE YELLING]

Brent, can you hear me?

If it somehow helps, there's a small dove in your pocket!

Never mind.

Brent, I'm so sorry.

I must have screwed up the trick somehow.

Hold on, we're gonna get you out of there.

Yeah, you better!

I got a hell of a lawsuit on my hands.

I'm gonna frickin' own this place.

- Okay.

- Okay, everyone, uh, please disperse.

We'll let you know when it's safe.

Uh, you three, stay here.

Keep an eye on Brent.

We're gonna try and fix this remotely using eternal-being technology.

Tahani, Jianyu, try and find a rope.

- Righto.

- Okay, so what do we do, try to climb down or wait for the rope?


Neither, we get the fork outta here.

Chidi, a giant hell-hole just opened up and swallowed one of us.

I don't care what this place really is.

Giant holes are bad, and we should go.

Or giant holes are bad, so if someone falls into one, you try to help get him out.

- Whoa.

- [SCREAMS]

I'm not scared!

I'm shouting so you know I'm okay.

I am very brave.

Whoo, I hope this works.

We basically just confirmed that we're lying to them.

Oh, man.

Was this a bad idea?

I mean, what if this was a bad idea?

It wasn't, homey.

It was a good idea.

Can anyone else weigh in?

I'm serious.

In football, trying to run out the clock and hoping for the best never works.

It's called "prevent defense.

" You don't take any chances and just try and hang on to your lead.

But prevent defense just prevents you from winning.

It's always better to try something.

Jason, that was coherent.

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to.

It's a good plan, Michael.

Hopefully they've bonded enough as a group to rescue Brent, call me, get a train, and all head out of here together.

But was it a mistake to have Brent fall in?

We could have had Chidi fall in, right?

Or a cute baby panda or maybe, you know, like, a box of doughnuts?

Everyone loves doughnuts.

Brent was the right choice.

It's not a tough call whether to save Chidi because he's a brilliant and kind person with a caboose you can bounce a quarter off of, and I know because I've done it.

We threw Brent in there because there is no reason any of them should help him because Brent sucks.

Brent is the opposite of a box of doughnuts.

Toilet full of broccoli.

Yeah, kinda, Brent is a toilet full of broccoli.

But because he sucks so bad, if they do risk their safety to help him, they'll get more points.

Basically it's a Hail Mary.

It's risky, but if we complete it, we win the game.

That was two good analogies in a row.

I'm now worried that he's a demon in a Jason suit.

Are we really in hell?

I mean, I didn't lead a perfect life on Earth, but I worked very hard.

Making fun of people you'd never even met.

Well, I guess you must be right, Simone, because you always have to be.

Hey, are you the bottom of a coal-fired pizza?

- Why, 'cause I'm burnt?

- Gah!

You are always right.

Well, if it is hell, I know why I'm here.

Almond milk.

I drank so much of it despite the negative environmental impacts.

Okay, wherever we are, I do not wanna be here when the clock hits zero, okay?

Now might be our only chance to escape.

Not without Brent.

Do you think if the roles were reversed, he would waste any time rescuing you?

Maybe.

If Elle Macpherson were nearby and he wanted to impress her or if he thought that I was a prince he could ransom That's not the point.

He is a person in a hole.

I have a duty to help him get out.

What he would do is irrelevant.

I don't think it is.

If you do a science experiment a thousand times and always get the same results, you move on.

We've given Brent a thousand chances to be a good person.

In one of them, he was so awful, you punched him in the face.

Okay, but when I did that, I thought cutting him out of our group meant that he would have to find another place in heaven to hang out.

That's changed.

I can't just leave him.

[SOLEMN MUSIC]

Well, I respect your position.

I respect yours.

Look, I know everything's really scary right now, but I just have to say it.

That was the most boring breakup I've ever seen.

[CAR ENGINE TURNING OVER]

Hey, Chidi, shake it off.

Another bus comes every 15 minutes.

Brent.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Where are they?

They never called a train.

They must have taken Brent's Escalade.

Oh, that's good.

The important thing is that the group bonded and stayed together.

Hello!

Could someone help us?

- Us?

- Yeah.

This frickin' genius tried to help me and he fell in.

I thought you were smart, man.

Are you serious right now?

Well, turns out, the group did not bond.

The group snapped in half.

Will you help us?

These rocks are really sharp down here.

- I'm scared.

- I'm not.

- Just give us a second.

- Guys, I think we're cooked.

It's over.

No, no way.

I am not giving up.

I told you, I only play games I can win.

And I played this game, so that means we can win.

- I don't think that tracks.

- Shut up.

What do you know?

Literally everything, but keep going.

I am liking this energy from you.

We have eight minutes left, so that means we keep trying.

What else can we try?

We've already blown everything up.

We can't blow it up again.

If there's one thing I know in this world, it's that you can always blow up the same thing twice.

He's right.

We have one last move here.

Guys, we are so sorry about your ordeal.

We just have a few questions for you.

Uh, where are John and Simone?

We can't find them.

They left.

- I don't know where they went.

- Typical.

Disloyal jerks.

You know, man, actually, they really tried with you and you made it very hard to be your friend.

You wanna know what happened?

They got jealous because I'm going to the Best Place.

- They bugged out.

- You're not going to the Best Place!

Don't you get it?

They're torturing you.

They're torturing all of us!

[SCOFFS]

Because this is the Bad Place.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[BOTH CACKLING]

Oh, man!

I can't believe you figured it out!

Wait.

He's right?

This is the Bad Place?

Yeah.

Damn it, he's right.

Yeah, we had a good run, though, didn't we?

- Yeah, we did.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

So no Best Place?

[MOCKINGLY]

"Oh, so no Best Place?" Oh, Brent, you big white oaf.

Never change, bud.

Well, I guess we should let him know you guys are on your way.

- Yeah.

- Wait.

On our way where?

The actual Bad Place.

They let us toy with you a little just for kicks, but now you're going [SQUEAKS]

- [LAUGHS]

- And trust me on this.

It's a lot worse.

[BOTH CACKLING]

- Well done.

- Let's hope it works.

We only have a minute left.

Man, crazy twist, huh?

It's like something out of a Chip Driver novel.

Leave me alone, Brent.

I'm kind of freaking out over here, man.

You're my only real friend.

I'm not your friend.

I don't even like you.

- But you helped me.

- Yeah, I did.

Because I have this stupid moral code that forces me to help everyone.

But you have never helped anyone because you don't care about other people, which is the bare minimum that a person has to do, just care a little about the other people around you, and you can't do it.

What are you trying to say here?

You are a bad person.

You can do this.

Come on, dumdum.

Faster.

No, I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not a bad person.

I'm not.

I'm a good person!

Oh, man.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

Look, Chidi, whatever happens next, I, um I need to say this to you.

All right?

I am I am so, so sorr [SHIMMERING TONE]

- [SOFT BEEP]

- Sorry.

Eleanor asked me to bring her this the second the experiment was over.

Well, you know what they say.

It's zero o'clock in the sky somewhere.