01x12 - I'll Be Home for Christmas... Maybe

[bunniefuu]

Okaaaay!

Ta-da!

Yeah, you know, Mom, I don't want to be negative, but that chimney is way too big.

Yeah, the roof's gonna cave.

Why don't we just use the kit, like we always do?

Because, Jack, look... number 5 on my Christmas to-do list, "Make a gingerbread house from scratch."

And here it is!

And it's beautiful!

Oh! A gingerbread house!

Yeah!

Oh. The chimney's quite large.

It's like a guard tower. [Laughs]

Are the elves planning on escaping? [Chuckles]

You could put a little Army man on top, and he could just cut them down one by one.

[Imitates g*nf*re]

Aah! Aah!

[Imitates g*nf*re] Aah!

[Laughs]

Whoo! Aaaaaah!

Aaaaaaah!

Then little knives chase out.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hey! I thought you were gonna get those lights up.

Oh, I was until I saw... this.

Then I thought I'd untangle it sitting in my chair.

Which kind of led me to... sitting in my chair.

All right, but Christmas is just around the corner, and I want to get everything done on my list.

Your list?

Yeah!

Now that you're retired, we have time to do Christmas right.

Were we doing it wrong?

Wake up, we go to Mass.

We open our presents.

There was a ham involved.

Seemed right. Felt right.

Just take a look at the list before you decide you hate it.

Okay, I hate it.

No.

Read it.

[Sighs]

I guess I could do a couple of these, all right?

N... Uh-uh. No, no, no, no.

I'm not putting that Santa sleigh on the roof.

Come on! It's pretty.

Pretty? That thing is a death machine.

["12 Days of Christmas" plays]

Donna: Ooh, honey! Are you okay?

[Strained] How do they look?

[Thud]

Honey, are you okay?!

[Groans]

_

Honey, maybe we should wait.

It just rained.

It's fine.

[Electricity crackles]

Aah!

Ooh! Honey, you okay?

My teeth are hot!

Yeah, okay. That's off the list.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

I'm so glad that we're all finally getting together.

And, Mott, you look very handsome in your suit.

Thank you.

Kind of like Bigfoot at a bar mitzvah.

I'm sorry, guys. Can we just order?

I know it's gonna be a matter of time before we get the phone call.

Mm.

When you have seven kids, babysitters tend to quit...

Sometimes, mid-shift.

Sometimes before you get out of the driveway.

Those are the ones that just break your heart.

Oh, Cindy, I don't know how you do it.

You know when the light turns yellow and you just don't know whether to speed up or slow down, so you just kind of tense up?

That's where I live.

Right in the yellow light.

And I'm sure this guy's of no help, huh?

[Laughs]

He's not... at all.

He makes things harder.

Every... single... day.

Making casual conversation.

Not looking for the real. [Laughs]

But you do a great job with those kids, you know?

We only have three, and that's a handful.

Sometimes seven can feel like...

It's just a lot.

I'm sure it is, with an army like that.

[Chuckles] My gosh.

I'd be freaking out, looking for a hiding spot.

Especially during Christmas? Whoo!

But then, soon, they're gonna all be out of the house, and then you won't have to worry anymore.

Mm, I don't know if I agree with that.

It's okay if you do.

I mean, little Louie...

He's not gonna be out of high school till the year 2030, right?

Guy.

Yeah, you know what? We should just all order.

Everything looks so good.

'Cause out of the seven kids, two are definitely coming back to live at home, you know?

They're not all gonna be winners.

It's just a fact. We've all seen it.

The 26-year-old living in the basement, right?

He's got the Camaro parked on the front lawn.

You guys are probably never gonna be in the house alone again... Ever.

What are we gonna do? Are we gonna do potato skins?

Let's do... Hey, you know the ones that come with bacon a little longer, 'cause they get the bacon in the bottom...

And... she's gone.

She's what?

Where's she going... The bathroom?

Whenever somebody reminds her how hard her life is, she just gets upset and leaves.

[Sighs]

Usually it's me.

This time, you.

Where... Where does she go?

Sometimes to her sister's. Sometimes a casino.

I-I-I-I feel horrible.

I mean, I really...

Should I run after her and apologize, or...

No. It's like chasing an ostrich.

If she knows you're following her, she'll turn around and run right at you.

Well, I mean, this is awkward.

What do we do now?

I mean, if we stay, we should probably get the potato skins.

♪

Oh, you going outside to put the lights up?

Ah, no. Mott called.

He needs me to pick up some stuff.

Cindy's still not back.

Oh.

Hey, guys. I got some presents for the kids.

Anything for me?

No.

All right, see you later.

Thank you, Kyle.

You can just put them on the table.

We don't have a tree yet, but it's on the list.

Yeah, well, you know, when you live alone, you don't get a tree.

For the same reason you don't get a second kitchen chair or another fork.

But you're coming here for Christmas Eve, right?

I am, yeah. [Chuckles]

And then on Christmas Day, I wake up and I watch "Home Alone," you know?

At home, alone.

What do you got here?

Oh, Kevin was supposed to do that.

Really? I'll do it.

Yeah?

Yeah!

The boys down at the firehouse, they call me "the untangler."

This is gonna keep me busy for hours.

All right, well, think of it as an early Christmas present.

I will, and I do. Thank you.

♪

Hi.

Found this outside. I assume it's yours?

Oh! There you are!

See, this is why you kids can't have a dog.

You can't even keep Louie inside.

I got you your groceries.

You are all set here, buddy, so I will talk to you later.

Guy, listen, I'm late for work. I got nobody to watch the kids.

You gotta help me out.

I gotta tell you...

I really think they can take care of themselves.

Come on, guy, it's kinda your fault my wife bolted.

I-I don't think it was...

Kids, Uncle Kevin's gonna babysit you guys for a few hours, so let's not have another "Lisa from down the street" incident.

What happened to Lisa from down the street?

These guys say she slipped. She says she was pushed.

Ultimately, the judge will decide.

[Kids shouting]

And salami, salami, salami.

And dealer gets... double salami.

We also gotta assume the dealer has double salami.

Okay, who's up for cheese now? Raise your hand.

Hit me!

Oh, I like it.

Riverboat Sally's in for cheese.

We got some cheese over there.

We got some cheese in the back corner here.

All right. That's great. Okay.

That's your fifth piece of cheese.

That's why you're so big.

Um, no, it's actually because I have a slow metabolism.

No, you just eat a lot.

You know, your father weighs just as much as I do, by the way.

Yeah, because he's twice your height.

Why are you sweating so much?

All right, everybody, let's just eat our sandwiches.

Go eat your sandwiches, everybody.

Nobody's eating.

We want Chipotle.

Okay, you know what?

I'm not sure that type of attitude is gonna fit with the season, because Santa Claus is coming, and I think we all know what that means.

Ooh! What?

"Santa's" not gonna bring me my presents?

Not if I call him.

Do it. See if I care.

Okay. I will.

[Chuckles] Which one are you?

Randi, with an "I."

Okay, Randi with an "I."

[Clears throat]

It's ringing.

Put it on speaker.

Okay, I don't care.

Here you go.

Hello?

That's so not Santa.

I know it's not Santa.

T-That's Chale, one of Santa's elves...

Who lives in Santa's garage.

Yes, I'm Chale.

And I am an elf.

Your father and I are role-playing.

Why?

I don't know.

Hey, Chale, listen.

I got a little Randi Mott over here, and she's not eating her sandwich and she's thrown out some hurtful comments.

Uh, just not sure we should bring her some presents this year, you know?

Hmm.

Sounds like she's a candidate for the naughty list!

[Laughs]

Yes, that's what I was thinking, as well.

Uh, could you call Santa and let him know that?

I'm sorry!

Hang up!

What?

Hang up!

Okay.

You can eat!

Eat!

Eat!

Next time, don't poke the bear, Randi with an "I."

♪

[Vocalizing "Deck the Halls"]

Kyle! You did, like, three things on my list!

Thank you.

Oh, I'm glad you're happy.

And I know how much you love hot toddies, so I whipped us up a little batch.

Oh, wow!

Cinnamon stick, whipped cream...

Did you put cloves in the lemon?

They didn't put themselves there.

Oh, this is amazing.

I can't get Kevin to do any of this stuff.

Oh, and I noticed that your chimney was caked with soot.

And, uh, I think you know how I feel about fire safety.

So, uh, let me take care of that, so you can have the fire you deserve on Christmas.

Are you crying?

No.

I'm just happy.

Hey.

[Sighs] Sorry I am late.

Man!

Trying to get a house full of kids to sit down and do their homework is a production.

You have no idea!

I have some idea.

Bad news.

Huh?

Cindy got snowed in at the casino, and Mott asked if I could hang out until she got back.

Okay, well, you know, take all the time you need, 'cause your brother is just moving through the list.

I mean, Kyle is amazing.

He does all this work.

He doesn't complain or drag his feet.

I'm so happy for you, honey.

You finally got what you wanted. That's awesome!

[Giggling] I did!

♪

Hey, guy. Sorry I'm late.

[Keys clank]

Yeah. You want some dinner?

Actually, I stopped at Enzo's for a slice.

Good. 'Cause I threw your meatloaf in the garbage, okay?

You can't text me? You can't let me know what's going on?

I tried. A-Actually, I think there's a cellphone tower down.

I couldn't get a signal.

Really, Mott? I taught you that excuse.

Oh. Right. Sorry.

Anyway, the place looks great.

I love seeing all the kids getting along, making their little ornaments.

That's 'cause they thought they were going for their Christmas tree tonight.

Oh.

You know what? Let's just do that tomorrow.

I'm exhausted. I worked all day.

Oh, and I didn't work all day?

You know what?

I'm starting to see why Cindy likes the casino so much.

I said I'm sorry.

You think I like being the finger wagger? 'Cause I don't.

I like having fun, too, you know.

Look, y-you know what? You're right.

Let's do this.

Let's get the tree. Come on.

Look, it's too late, all right?

Three of the kids are already in PJs.

We can go tomorrow.

You really mean it?

You're not just saying? Don't bring my hopes up again.

Don't you do that.

I promise.

Okay, just text me next time.

Meatloaf's in the fridge. I didn't really throw it out.

♪

Hey, Kyle. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just organizing the mail area.

Oh, you don't need to do that.

Well, I ran across some old credit card statements.

A couple things jumped out at me.

Uh... you really shouldn't be doing that.

And you shouldn't be spending so much on groceries.

Don't be ashamed of coupons, Donna.

That's, um... that's pretty invasive.

[Chuckles nervously]

All right.

Okay.

I'm sorry. I don't wanna overstep my bounds.

Thank you.

Oh. But you should know that Jack and I had the talk.

What talk?

You know, the talk... The birds and the bees.

He's only 10.

Well, he asked me about bees, so I thought it was his way of hinting around.

He's doing a report on bees for school.

Well, he might have more info than he needs.

♪

[Sighs]

Hey, babe.

Hey.

I'm gonna have a glass of wine. You want one?

Oh, I probably shouldn't.

Got so much laundry to do.

Oh.

These grass stains are just k*lling me!

It's like, what does Mott do?

Just walk out the front door and fall down?

Well, a little tip is next time, presoak.

Ooh! That's a good one.

You know what? Maybe I will have some of that wine.

Okay.

Live a little.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know what it is?

I'm just tired of feeling invisible.

If I'm not cooking, I'm cleaning.

If I'm not cleaning, I'm doing laundry.

And do I ever hear a thank-you? No, I do not.

Well, last night over here, Kyle did the dishes.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, because he said I looked tired.

He did not say that to you.

He did.

Okay, and you know what?

Even if I do like tired, I don't wanna hear that.

It's like, I wanna hear I look...

Radiant!

Radiant!

Yes!

Yes!

[Glasses clink]

Ugh.

Well, at least you're hearing something.

Mott doesn't even talk.

Yeah, that's right.

And I'm not gonna compete with the TV.

I can't. I just won't.

[Buzzer]

Oh, great... Another load of whites.

By the way, they're not gonna be white.

I'm gonna tell you that right now.

♪

Kevin: Everybody stick together, okay?

Big kids, watch the smaller ones.

And if you see a tree that's taller than your dad...

Probably too expensive.

Hey, isn't that your other family?

It is.

Shopping for a tree without me?

Honey, I texted you. You never texted me back.

I'm taking care of seven children!

I...

Well, the kids, they really wanted a tree.

I had to pull the trigger.

But look at this.

Look.

It's a completed Christmas list.

I've never had one of these before.

I might have your brother frame it for me.

Donna!

Donna, the guy's tying it to the roof.

Come on. Ticktock.

Hey, Kev.

So, I should...

Yeah.

You look good.

You look good, too, Donna.

So, I'll see you soon?

Yeah.

Back home, where we both live.

♪

Hey, kids.

Uncle Kevin has something he wants to say to you.

As you know, I have my own family, and... I'm going back to them.

But that doesn't mean there won't be a place for you always in my heart.

Can't you just stay for two more days?

Oh, Randi, I'm gonna miss you.

I know we got off to a rough start with the relentless weight jokes.

That was only because I really do worry about your health.

I know you do.

And thanks for the pamphlets.

Look, guys, this is gonna be great now, all right?

I mean, your dad, he's gonna...

He's gonna do a lot more around here.

And... well, I'm just...

[Sighs] So hard.

[Chuckling] Saying goodbye's never easy.

All right, guys, come bring it in.

Give me a hug.

Anyone miss me?!

[Kids screaming]

C-Couple more thoughts.

♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm, all is bright ♪
♪ Round yon virgin, mother and child ♪
♪ Holy infant so tender... ♪

Oh, man.

♪ ... and mild ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
♪ Sing the ancient Christmas carol ♪
♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

Yeah!

So, what's next?

Well, I was thinking we could all gather 'round and I will read "A Christmas Carol."

I do all of the parts, and fair warning...

[High-pitched] My Tiny Tim is a tearjerker.

Or we could watch the great Christmas classic "Die Hard."

"Die Hard"!

Anything but Chale reading!

I'm sorry, honey.

[Thumping]

What was that?

Huh. Maybe it was Santa.

Well, it's definitely not the stork bringing a baby, 'cause that's a lie.

[Thumping]

No, what is that?

[Indistinct talking]

[Gasps] Kevin?

This is for you guys!

I did it!

Oh, honey! Thank you!

Crap.

Nobody told me about the sleigh.

Merry Christmas!

[Groans]

Oh, Sara, call 911!

Can't! I'm recording!

I'm okay! I'm all right!

The important thing is, I got the sleigh up there.

[Scraping]

[All scream]

Oh, no!

[Weakly] I'm fine.

Spending a couple days at the Motts' taught me... I really don't appreciate all you do for me around here. And I just want you to know... From now on, I'm gonna start doing a lot more for you.

Aw.

Well, having your brother here for a few days made me a lot more thankful for how little you do around here.

He tends to go overboard. I know.

At least you finished your list.

[Gasps] Isn't it nice?

Yeah. Everything's done!

And now we can just sit here, with the tree and the decorations, and just relax.

It's pretty great.

Yeah.

Your brother's at the window, isn't he?

Yeah, he's there.

Shouldn't we just let him in?

No, no. It's like feeding a stray cat.

You can't do that.

Babe.

All right, fine. It's Christmas.

Go around!

Go around!

♪